The Best of Jay Leno Jokes
Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 02-05-2011
Tags: best jay leno jokes, Jay Leno jokes, late night humor, late night jokes
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Last week was Jay Leno’s 61st birthday so to celebrate here are some of his best jokes over the last year or so:
”Congress has voted to extend the Bush tax cuts. Is it me, or is George W. Bush getting more done now than when he was in office?”
”It’s interesting. During his speech, President Obama spoke about the difficulty of accepting a Peace Prize while we’re fighting two different wars. And President Bush got really upset. He said, ‘Hey, I’m the one who started both those wars, I should have won the prize.”
”President Obama gave his speech last night at West Point. He was going to give it at the White House, but he wanted some place with better security.”
”Have you heard the TSA’s new slogan? ‘We handle more junk than eBay.”’
”Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That’s not the general’s job. That is my job.”
”President Obama arrived in China yesterday. And to foster the spirit of good will, he wore the traditional clothes made by the children of China. You know, L.L. Bean, J. Crew, Banana Republic, Nike, Reebok.”
”President Obama’s new message to the American people is ‘things could be a lot worse.’ We’ve gone from ‘change you can believe in’ to ‘things could be a lot worse.’ The sequel is never as good as the original.”
”In the Delaware Republican U.S. Senate primary, Tea Party candidate Christine O’Donnell won a huge upset. Interesting woman, very conservative. She has come out against masturbation. So not only is she against politicians putting their hands in our pockets, she’s against you putting your hands in your own pockets as well.”
”We’re learning more and more about the new Massachusetts senator, Scott Brown. Well, you probably know this. Back in 1982, he posed naked for Cosmo. Yeah, isn’t that amazing? He’s got it backwards. First you get elected to the Senate, then you get caught with your pants down.”
”When Vice President Joe Biden heard that President Obama won the Nobel Prize, he was speechless. So, it’s already doing some good.”
”Here, of course, we celebrate Halloween. In Mexico they call it what? ‘Day of the Dead,’ where people believe the dead rise and walk the earth again. Or, as folks at Acorn call it, the ‘Voter Registration Day.”’
”I guess you heard about that kid that tried to blow up the plane on Christmas Day with a bomb he had hidden in his underwear. Before he could get the bomb lit, some hero passengers grabbed him. They dragged him into first class. See, I had no idea that’s how you got upgraded on Delta. I thought it was a point system.”
”A family values conservative Republican from Indiana, Mark Souder , has admitted to having an affair with a woman on his staff. Apparently Souder would take this woman to remote locations inside state parks and have sex with her. See, this is what Republicans mean when they talk about opening up our public lands for drilling.”
”You know this Tea Party candidate, Christine O’Donnell, is causing a lot of controversy with her kind of unorthodox views. She’s come out against masturbation. You know what that means? She’s out of touch with those voters who are in touch with themselves.”
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