I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said ‘No.’

I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I’ve never been an intellectual but I have this look.

If my films don’t show a profit, I know I’m doing something right.

If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

darnfunnyonline.com

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

Darnfunnyonline.com