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Here are some very funny jokes from comedian Steven Wright:

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’

I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”.  So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?” I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.”

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.
If you had a million Shakespeares, would they write like a monkey?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week, always very witty: 9/19/11 to 9/22/11.

Top Ten Things a Candidate Shouldn’t Say During a Presidential Debate

10. Yeah, I killed a guy

9. 50 states? When did Puerto Rico get in?

8. Can you repeat the question? I was thinking about cookies

7. If elected, my cabinet will feature at least three Kardashians

6. I don’t know a damn thing about the economy, but I do know this: Chaz Bono dances like an angel

5. Can anyone beat Angry Birds, Level 16? I can’t kill the pig with the mustache

4. It’s-a-not-so bad, it’s-a nice-a place — Ah, shaddup you face

3. Hey, Republican spelled backwards is “Nacilbuper”

2. As my good friend Osama bin Laden once said . . .”

1. Senior citizens can bite my a**

Top Ten Rejected Genius Grant Projects

10 Self-cleaning monkey

9 Bacon-free bacon

8 Phone directory of wrong numbers

7 Eating so many tacos it’s ridiculous

6 Determining whether Minka Kelly is “hot” or “smokin’ hot”

5 Something called the Clambulance, for injured mollusks

4 New miracle hairpiece for Dave

3 An Oreo with 10 layers

2 Wearing fedora without looking like a jerk

1 Michele O’Bachmann for President campaign

Top Ten Items On The United Nations General Assembly Agenda

10 Screw with the Swedes

9 Recap highlights from last night’s “Two and a Half Men”

8 Goodbye, Euro. Hello, Chuck E. Cheese tokens

7 Pass resolution that Steve Carell “was robbed” at the Emmys

6 Gently break it to the Russians that they’ve been writing their Rs backwards all these years

5 Finally nail down which one’s Uruguay and which one’s Paraguay

4 Pitch sitcom about Greece and United States called “Two Broke Countries”

3 Do whatever China says

2 Congratulate whatever country came up with the “Girl With the Dragon Tattoo” books, because those were awesome

1 Debate whether to renew the Letterman fatwa

Top Ten Highlights Of Barack Obama’s Deficit Plan

10 Pay everything off with a giant bake sale on the White House lawn

9 New 10,000 percent tax on waffles — no way people are giving up their waffles!

8 Congressional Super Committee now reports to even more powerful Super Duper Committee

7 Medicare no longer covers butt X-rays

6 From now on, quarters are worth 26 cents

5 Change the definition of the word “deficit”

4 Seniors must wait until they’re 112 before they can collect Social Security

3 Open more post offices — those places are money machines!

2 Congressmen must pay hookers in cash

1 Jets giving three and a half in Cincy — it’s like found money

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Here are some Jay Leno jokes that are not all from his show.  A  lot of them are from his showroom act he does at many places around the country.

According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.

Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night’s Democratic debate.

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she’s strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.

Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.

For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn’t that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you’re average – hey, let’s get a pizza!

Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you’re not the best, so you should work a little harder.

I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, “I’d like some fries.” The girl at the counter said, “Would you like some fries with that?”

If God doesn’t destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

If you don’t want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.

Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of LA in the next election. Remember the good ‘ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.

More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy – he’s one of their own.

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they’d be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.
Politics is just show business for ugly people.

The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they’re all lining up.

The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

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Here are  some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

A 75 year old woman recently had a breast implant.  This raised her perkiness quotient from her knees to her waist.

Simon Cowell said in an interview with GQ that he wants his body frozen when he dies.  Some think he wanted to get a jump on things by having an ice cold personality.

Baseball player Nick Swisher and his actress wife are going on a honeymoon in Afghanistan.  This is a sure sign that they consider marriage to be hell.

I saw a headline that said “No More Jobs.”  I thought it was about Steve Jobs resigning as the Apple CEO but it was actually about Obama’s economic policies.

Steve Jobs resigned as the CEO of Apple.  Some say it was for health reasons but it was actually for the challenge of finding a new line of products that he can vastly overcharge the public for and make them stand in long lines to do it!

Joe Biden is saying that the U.S. needs more economic stimulus which is the best evidence yet that more stimulus is a bad idea.

It was very hot this past week in Southern California and there’s been no rain all summer.  It’s causing many Facebook users with Farmville farms to pretend to worry about their pretend crops.

Dick Cheney’s new memoir comes out this week.  Surprisingly, it shows his emotional side as he expresses his love of waterboarding and torture in general.

Cheney is also working to head off any critics of his book.  He’s taking a pro-active approach and invited anyone who wanted to discuss the book with him in person to go on a hunting trip with him.

It was so hot this past week that Lady Gaga decided to be very efficient and wear a bacon dress outside until it cooked and then she went inside, added tomato and lettuce, and had lunch.

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As I see the back to school specials and parents scurrying through stores getting their children ready for the next nine or ten months of parental vacation, where they can blame the schools for their kid’s screw ups, it makes me hark back to my own youth.  Ah, yes, as I transitioned from goofing off in the summer, unsupervised, to goofing off in school, while being supervised.  It was a definite art and was a major part of my education which enhanced my creativity.  And it helped me become such a gooderest writer that I am today with unik speelin skils.  (If you are reading this after reading some of my older posts and you are thinking, “Hey, buddy, you don’t have to fake the bad grammar and spelling,” you’ll have to take it up with my old teachers.  It’s their fault, they should have made me study harder, or at all.)

Those were simpler times, of course.  Back then a kid only had to worry about getting his lunch money stolen or getting paddled by the teacher in front of the rest of the class.  Now kids have all those worries and so many more, such as, being prepared with birth control in case your teacher wants to have sex with you.

Kids are so much more advanced these days.  Back in my day students never had sex with teachers in high school.  You had to wait until you got to college to hone that skill and even then it was just the female students.   Actually, there weren’t even any teachers at my school, in any grade that I would have been interested in.  Of course, there was that one teacher that used to sneak up behind the kids and do a strategic pinch on their shoulder that would make them squirm in their chair.  Not a sexual kind of squirm, though.  So, I don’t think that would qualify and he only did it to the boys anyway, or as they used to say on the Seinfeld show, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

Another tough decision kids have today, that we didn’t have to go through, is choice of weapon.  For example, is a knife sufficient?  Should I carry a gun, or pack, as they say?  How do I get it through the metal detector?  There are so many choices.

I had a distinct advantage back in the day because I played sports in high school.  I would say I was a superstar but there are some of my old high school friends who read these articles and they know better.  Still, I was good enough to make it an advantage.  I was able to get away with more than a lot of kids.  But if the teacher didn’t like sports it became a definite disadvantage.  Then it was like getting chickens to swim and since I went to school, that they cannot swim, is one of the many valuable things I learned there.  I also learned about cosines in algebra, or geometry, one of those classes that vaguely had something to do with math.  Anyway, back to the cosines, since I was very logical I didn’t have to listen when they taught about that because it is obviously just referring to two signs.  Logic is such a great time saver.

There were so many useful things that I learned in school, too many to mention here.  And now that I’ve wrapped up this article I can put to use those valuable goofing off lessons I learned so well back then.

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Abercrombie & Fitch has paid Jersey Shore star Mike Sorrentino, The Situation, to not wear their brand of clothing anymore because they were afraid it might hurt sales.  Now humans beings in general are also feeling he might reflect badly on all humans should aliens from another planet land on earth.

Last Friday was National Aviation Day so all the airline pilots got together and got drunk.  They had invited the air traffic control guys to the party too but they all just fell asleep.

There was a mysterious orange goo that showed up on the shoreline of a village in Alaska.  Turns out it was just residue of the make-up that John Boehner wears.

Burger King has dethroned their king as their mascot because they want to promote a healthy image.  At the same time McDonald’s is considering a new slogan, “Our mascot is a clown and we still kick Burger King’s ass.”

Starbucks is no longer going to let customers use their Internet service a whole day and just buy one cup of coffee.  They say if this is successful they may be able to lower their prices to only 4 times what they should be charging.

The man who saved a 6 year-old girl from a child abductor says he’s an illegal immigrant.  Now Congress is jumping on the band wagon with a new immigration policy – Save a life, get amnesty.

Bill Clinton celebrated his 65^th birthday.  He had a great time a in a relaxing hotel with a wonderful celebration and afterward he even took a call from Hillary wishing him a happy birthday.

The Georgetown University basketball team had a goodwill basketball tour in China that coincided with Joe Biden visiting China.  The Chinese team started a big fight and they couldn’t even finish the game.  It turns out they were pissed at the Americans for bringing Joe Biden into the country.

There was a shortage of drugs reported by drug companies and suddenly the world became brighter to so many people.  (Not a joke so much as a social commentary.)

Bill Clinton became a vegan but this is somewhat hypocritical of him because he is still very thankful that Monica Lewinsky was not a vegan back when he was President.

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It’s time for another version of It could Be Worse where we take a humorous look at how things could always be much worse than they seem to be at the moment.

It could be worse:

1)      You could be heavily invested in the stock market….or at least used to be heavily invested.

2)      Right after you switched to Verizon from AT&T because of bad service Verizon employees went out on strike and your bad service continued…uninterrupted.

3)      You could be a lab rat, which not only means you are a rat but they also do experiments on you.

4)      You could be a regular ceiling in a house and know that you can never be raised any higher than you are right now, unlike if you were a debt ceiling.

5)      You could be Bert and Ernie, who after an online petition to have you wed, decide to just continue being Muppets with benefits.

6)      You could be Alex Trebek , who tore an Achilles tendon while chasing a prostitute who robbed his hotel room and now you are the butt of every possible version of a “Jeopardy” joke about it.

7)      You could be Michele Bachman, who was quoted as saying we need a president who is a fighter, when what she really wanted to say was that we need a president with a set of balls, but she knew that wouldn’t help her get elected.

8)      You could be President Obama and make the statement, “There’s nothing wrong with our country.  There’s something wrong with our politics,” and not realize you are the head politician leading all the other crazy politicians.

9)      You could be Newt Gingrich who only beat “other” in the Iowa straw poll by less than 1% and then you celebrate your “victory” with a trip to Tiffany’s to buy something for your wife.

10)   You could be Obama trying to create new jobs and find out that even the border patrol is no longer hiring because Mexican’s no longer want to come into the country.

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This week our beloved (not so much) guest columnist, Dear Crabby, is back to wreak havoc on the hearts and souls of all the darnfunnyonline readers.  It not that her advice is bad, it is so bad that when you are done reading her advice it makes you not only never want to ask anybody for advice again, it makes you never even want to ask anyone a question.  She is so mean that…

(Dear Crabby interrupts.)  Okay, joke boy. (Also, not so much.)  They get the idea, now go try and write some of that “high brow”, crotch joke humor of yours while I try to salvage some goodness out of this decrepit web site.

As I’m sure I’ve said before, no one really likes her very much, but, with our budget she is as good as it gets.  Try to not be too insulted by this aptly named, mean spirited, generally bad mannered…

(Dear Crabby) SHUT UP ALREADY!… Finally, now that he’s gone, I think I made him cry, by the way, let’s get to the good stuff.  Here’ s the first question:

Dear Crabby:

I have an uncle who is very crude and constantly cusses around my kids.  He makes off color jokes and they ask me what he means when he says these things.  It’s embarrassing.  He smokes and drinks and is an all around bad influence on my children.  What can I do?

Worried Mommy

Dear Worried Mommy:

Job one would be introducing this hunk of man to me.  I haven’t met a real man like him in a long time.  I can’t wait.  Besides that I don’t see the problem, other than you getting over yourself.  It sounds like you are a prude so your kids are never going to learn about the birds and bees from you, so they might as well learn the ropes from your hot uncle’s jokes.

Seriously, I want to meet the guy.

Crabby

Dear Crabby:

I’m thinking of getting some tastefully done tattoos.  My boyfriend doesn’t think it’s a very good idea.  What do you think?

My Body’s a Canvas

Dear My Body’s a Canvas:

What do I think?  I think you are a moron.  Besides that, I’m pissed because you are making me agree with a man, which I don’t normally do (unless he’s a hunk like the uncle from the first letter.)  If you get tattoos what do you think is going to happen when you get to be my age and your skin starts to sag all over and your tattoos look like it rained on water colors!  What I think you should do is stop being so whiny and don’t write to me anymore unless you have a real question or if you have  a hot uncle who smokes drinks, and swears a lot like the first writer did.

Crabby

Dear Crabby:

Now that the football strike is over my husband will be watching football all the time this fall.  I was really hoping the strike would last and there would be no football this year.  Any suggestions on how I get his attention during football season?

Football Widow

Dear Football Widow,

Any activity where I get to see men beat each other’s heads in is good in my book.  Besides that, to get his attention get naked, the game has halftime and timeouts, what’s the problem?

Crabby

There you have it!  When Dear Crabby does her advice column (aka, spews her venom) and there are no bodies as a result that is always a good thing.  Until next time!

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Here are some funny observations after keeping a watchful eye on current events this week:

The Post office might be closing 3,653 locations but the good news is we won’t see a drop off in service because it already sucks.

According to a poll less than half of Americans know that Mitt Romney is a Mormon.  Also, less than half know that President Obama was actually not born in the United States.

In another new survey, 40% of Internet users feel lonely when they are unable to get online.  They are forced to use their imaginations to figure out an alternate way to waste time.

In yet another poll, 46% of Americans think that most members of Congress are corrupt.  The other  54% thought corrupt was far too nice of a word.

Hugh Hefner’s former fiance said that she and Hef only had sex once.  Now we know, after that  that “brief interlude”, why she broke It up.

If the government had gone into default they would have been changing the name of Captain America to Private America.

I saw an advertisement this week that said that  the King Kong exhibit at Universal Studios was the world’s largest 3D experience.  I thought the world was the world’s largest 3D experience.

Only  17% of Americans believe that the country is headed in the right direction.  These are the same people that jog backwards.

In San Francisco a bill banning circumcision was “cut off” the ballot.

In Georgia, a 35 year-old Language Arts teacher was arrested for having sex with a 14 year-old male student.  Upon her arrest she said, “What? I thought the language of love was part of the curriculum.”

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I had posted some or all of these jokes at some time or another previously but Steven Wright is a very funny guy when you are looking for a fast laugh, so it is worth another round:

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge… you can’t hear him talk.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

How young can you die of old age?

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn’t know what to add to it.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I got this powdered water – now I don’t know what to add.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.

I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.

I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.

I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious!

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