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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

The five living ex-presidents all attended the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library, although the jury is still out on if Jimmy Carter is actually alive.

Not surprisingly, many of the books in the library are picture books and coloring books.

According to two new studies, Los Angeles has the worst smog and the worst traffic in the U.S.  Even though we don’t get snow in LA, on the bright side, we do get to throw smog balls at each other and build smogmen.  Instead of a carrot for a nose we use a broken exhaust pipe.

NBC has pulled the reality-dating show, Ready for Love, after three episodes.  It turns out they weren’t ready for love, only for sex, and now they are screwed.

There’s a new men’s cologne that smells like whiskey.  The same company makes a whiskey that tastes very sweet.

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner has returned to Twitter, but he was only allowed to do so on the condition that he wouldn’t use any body parts as a name label.

Because of the sequester, the FAA has been forced to lay off the cocktail waitresses that served drinks to the air traffic controllers.

Mike Tyson revealed his ex-girlfriend cooked and ate his pet pigeon right in front of him.  But luckily Tyson still has the brains of a bird….not the bird, but of a bird.

Jason Collins is the first athlete in a major U.S. sport to announce he’s gay. He’s a free-agent now, but his last team was the Washington Wizards.  He said now that he free of that chain he feels so much better…the chain being a player for the Wizards….coming out of the closet was good too.

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Obama unveiled his 2014 budget.  Before it is passed there will be a lot of give and take.  Mostly taking from the taxpayers and giving to the government.

According to a new survey, 48% of male dog owners said they rely more on their computers than on their dogs, to which the dogs replied, “Yeah, well can your computer do this for you?” as the dogs sniffed their owners butts.

The city of Stockton, California has declared bankruptcy.  The mayor is so desperate he has even been responding to e-mails from Nigerian royalty.

Target has officially apologized for calling the color of a plus sized dress on their website, “Manatee gray.”  They said they understand now that some manatee’s are actually brown.

Last week Dick Cheney used politically technical terms to describe our situation with North Korea as, “We are deep doo-doo.”  I hate it when leaders use terms we laymen can’t understand.

Obama’s new budget has $8 billion for job training programs.  The $8 billion dollars will create many jobs for government trainers, who will then be laid off and collect unemployment because there are no actual jobs to train people for.

Lindsay Lohan will be moving into the Seafield Center on Long Island for 90 days of drug rehab.  Her father, Michael, was treated there in the late 80’s so we can expect this rehab to be equally as effective as her previous rehabs.

Carnival is now offering Caribbean cruises for as little as $38 per night.  Running water, working toilets and barf bags are all extra.

An 18 year old girl from the UK has only eaten packaged noodle soups for the last 13 years.  She realizes this has not been the healthiest diet so she is going to upgrade it by starting to eat at McDonald’s.

The Iranian government is claiming their scientists have developed a time machine. I thought the Iranian government was already back in the 19^th century.

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Last week the White House had its 35^th annual Easter Egg Roll and the theme was “be healthy, be happy, be you,” and all the fat kids were like, “how can I be me if I’m happy and healthy?”  And then they added, “Just give me a soda, a pizza, a video game and leave me alone.”

President Obama proposed spending $100 million to map the human brain in hopes of unlocking some of its mysteries, for example, why the federal government spends so much money on useless crap like this study.

The other day on the White House basketball court President Obama made 2 of 22 shots.  Not only that, but his golf game is struggling, causing him a lot of stress.  Luckily, he doesn’t have to worry about those pesky problems like a bad economy.

Pope Francis is going to review the scandal ridden Vatican Bank as one of his first actions.  It’s surprising actually, who even knew there were altar boys working with the priests at the bank.

Scientists now say that frogs can predict earthquakes, so now if you see a frog on the weather channel telling you about a coming earthquake we can thank the scientists.

According to a new poll, 13% of Americans think President Obama is the antichrist, while Obama himself, considers he is Christ.

Kim Jung-Un of North Korea has threatened to attack America.  But then, he has also recently threatened to get a normal haircut but he hasn’t done that either.

The city of Stockton, California has declared bankruptcy.  Their economy was so messed up they even asked Greece for a loan.

According to a new poll, 52% of Americans support legalizing marijuana.  Many of the others were too high to give an opinion.

According to the National Enquirer, Cher is falling apart.  Luckily, she’s no stranger to plastic surgery so she can be put back together again.

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

Justin Bieber is supposedly planning to grow a mustache.  My ass has a better chance of growing a mustache…actually, now that I think about it, if I shave it properly, my ass probably could grow a mustache.

There is a big controversy about the History Channel’s, The Bible, because the actor portraying Satan closely resembles President Obama.  That makes sense since Obama is driving our economy straight to Hell.

The Bible is so popular that many networks are trying to copy the success with new Biblically themed shows.  There’s one coming out called Keeping up with the Twelve Disciples.  There’s another one coming out called Real Housewives of Mesopotamia.

A  few days ago both President Obama and Vice President Joe Biden were out of the country at the same time for over an hour, or as the general populace calls it, ”Happy Hour.”

A man in England has created a car that runs on coffee.  The only problem is it’s hard to keep it from speeding right after you fill it up.

According to a new study, the average member of Congress can only speak at a 10^th grade level.  While speaking intellectually is not their thing, they are able to spend more money on useless crap than any 1,000 women combined who are drunk on a limitless budget at the mall.

In Florida, they are trying to legalize medical marijuana.  With their older population whose memories are going bad anyway, if you add pot to the equation nobody in the state is ever going to find another set of keys.

According to a study, in some ways dogs and cats can see better than humans.  In a related survey of young males, as long as they can see porn they’ll never be jealous of an animal’s eyesight.

A law student at the University of New Mexico School of Law fell out of her chair in class and is suing the school.  She will graduate early and with honors.

A parting thought, not based on the news, do male cats refer to female cats vagina’s as humans?

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Scientists say they found a chemical protein that makes women talk more than men.  They are still looking for the chemical protein that causes men not to listen.

In Meadville, PA, at Allegheny College, they recently brought in two sex experts to teach masturbation to the students.  College students that don’t know how to masturbate???  I think this is one of those instances where the students become the teachers.

Obama keeps talking about the dire consequences of sequester budget cuts, for example, he may have to cut down to only playing 18 holes of golf on some days.

To Obama’s thinking sequestration is like castration because that’s what cutting the budget in anyway feels like to him.

In New Jersey a man was arrested after police found 100 bags of heroin in his anus.  That’s how fat Americans are getting that they can put 100 bags of anything in their asses.

The sequester budget cuts were the reason the Pope retired.  He was offered an early retirement buyout (as opposed to dying on the job) and a gold plated Pope hat and he couldn’t resist that.

Obama said last week that after four years as president you realize all the mistakes you’ve made.  The main lesson he learned was to stick to golf, you can get a fat lip playing basketball.

A report in the New Zealand Medical Journal says it is healthier for you to pass gas on a flight than to try and hold it in.  The study also reported it’s less embarrassing if you blame the incident on the person   sitting next to you by looking at them disgustingly and yelling, “Did you just fart?”

Recently, Montana made it legal for people to take road kill for food.  In a related story, Taco Bell announced that the state of Montana has become its main supplier of meat.

The activities of the Pope on his first day of retirement included shopping for some clothing that don’t resemble an expensive bathrobe, scheduling a vacation to Disneyland and  finding a couple of nice Catholic hookers to spend the night with so he could hear their confessions.

According to a survey the most popular dating site for seniors is OurTime.com.  The least popular site is PastOurPrime.com.

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Now that marijuana is legal in Washington State, they are looking for a marijuana consultant.  Unfortunately, of all the people qualified for the job none of them has the ambition to apply.

According to a traffic study, it takes longer to get to work in Washington D.C. than in any other city in the country.  So, now members of Congress are saying, “So, that’s why we never get anything done here!”

The skeletal remains of King Richard III, from over 500 years ago, were found under a parking lot in Great Britain, leading Scotland Yard to believe it was a mob hit.

A new study by the Center for Policy and Research says that people working less slows global warming.  Who would have thought that there was a good side to Obama’s economic policies?

American Airlines and US Airways are expected to announce a merger this week.  So if you are flying on either airline expect to be charged a merger fee.

President Obama’s head speech writer is stepping down to pursue a career as a Hollywood screenwriter.  Fortunately, writing for Obama made him an expert in creating fictional characters.

In searching for Joe Biden’s speech writer no one would claim to have the job because no one wanted to admit to writing the stuff that he says.

Monopoly is getting a makeover.  Not only is a cat replacing the iron as one of the Monopoly pieces, there are other changes too to reflect the current times: when you pass go you will still collect $200 but now you have to pay $180 of it in various taxes; when you buy a house it’s already in foreclosure; and there is a Community Chest card that says, “Congress just passed a new law. Drop your pants and bend over.”

A 105 year-old woman is the oldest person on Facebook.  She got onto Facebook out of desperation because all of her real friends were dead.

Tonight Obama will give his State of the Union speech. He will call for new investments in infrastructure, education and research and then blame Bush for not spending more on those things in the past.

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Since I was away over the last two weeks I didn’t really keep up with current events, so instead, I thought I’d just throw out some random thoughts and observations:

If a man has sex with a blowup doll and then he uses that same doll in the passenger seat of his car to drive in the carpool lane I think it should be considered a legal carpool.

Conversely, if a woman uses a dildo in the bedroom and then puts it in the passenger seat of the car she should also be able to drive in the carpool lane.  After all, some women refer to their spouses as dickheads anyway, so why would a whole body need to be there for carpooling.

If your hair stylist has a website named “itwillgrowback.com,” you might want to think about a new hair stylist.

While performing, a mime never has to worry about forgetting his lines.

Justin Beiber’s hair use to hang down in his face, now it stands straight up like in a cartoon when the character really gets surprised.  I’m thinking he may be as surprised as everyone else is at his success.

If a piece of cheese cuts a person, does the cheese then smell like a fart?  (It would have to be very sharp cheese to do that.)

Why is it whenever there are evil outer space aliens in a movie they always have a British accent?

Duct tape is the most valuable tool in my tool box, but for some reason it didn’t work to fix a blown car engine.

When a person gets a taste of their own medicine, what does that actually taste like, and if it’s their own medicine why should anyone else ever get it anyway?

You would think fat cells would develop an inferiority complex, because people are always trying to get rid of them.

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Here are some jokes by Steven Wright, who is the king of the one-liners:
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

When I turned two I was really anxious because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, “If this keeps up, by the time I’m six, I’ll be ninety.”

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He goes: “Not in a row!”

I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.

If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts.

I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Okay, so what’s the speed of dark?

I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked, “Do you have any firearms with you?” I said: “What do you need?’

Boycott shampoo! Demand REAL poo!

I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

I put some instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case…..coincidence?

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism — to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

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It’s time for another episode of “It Could be Worse” where we take a look at how things could always be much worse than they seem if you just find something to compare it to. (It’s especially true around the holidays.)

It could be worse:

The Mayan calendar could have been correct.

If you were Hillary Clinton, you could have been wearing a dress instead of the traditional pants suit when you fell down and hit your head, giving yourself a concussion, and even Bill wouldn’t have tried to look up your dress.

You could be Hillary again and every time you hear mention of Benghazi you faint and hit your head.

You could be playing Santa in a mall and you’d have a lot of fat kids sitting on your lap all day for a month.

It could be Christmas and you could be Charlie Brown.

Joe Biden could be put in charge of reforming gun control.  Oh wait!  That is happening!!  Or as Biden would say, “This is a big f______ deal!”

You could be so into the spirit of the Christmas season that you could watch a porn film and 5 minutes later you realize that you can’t remember the plot.

If you are a Republican and you don’t enjoy your Christmas celebration you can’t even blame George W. Bush, like the Democrats will.

You could be eating Christmas dinner at Denny’s… (To anyone that is eating at Denny’s, you could be eating at McDonald’s – and so on down the food chain.)

You could be Tim Tebow after splitting up with actress Camilla Belle and now you’re not having sex with everyone again instead of not having sex with just her.

And finally, you could not believe in the true spirit of Christmas!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Al-Qaeda’s number two man has been killed by an American drone.  The drone was not Joe Biden.

According to TMZ, Lindsay Lohan is struggling financially.  It’s so bad that the liquor store by her house has cancelled her unlimited tab.

Again, according to TMZ, Lindsay hasn’t paid her storage bill and the contents are about to be auctioned off.  It even includes some very personal items such as several of the orange jumpsuits that she wore in jail.

She is also facing a possible 8 months in jail for probation violation.  If she does get put into jail they’ll put her in isolation because they don’t want her to be a negative influence on the other criminals.  And this could be perfect timing for jail because it’s also rumored that she doesn’t have the money to pay her rent.

Rick Perry has already announced that he will run for President again in 2016, but there is a very good chance that by that time he will have forgotten about it.

American kids are still way behind Asian kids in math and science.  But American kids weigh more than Asian kids and they can sit on them until they give them the answers to the math and science questions, so it all works out.

In a new poll, 44% of Americans think that Santa Claus is a Democrat and 28% believe he is a Republican.  The remaining 28% no longer believe in Santa Claus.

It being so close to Christmas and Santa Claus being in the news a lot and that poll saying that many people think of Santa as a Democrat, Donald Trump has asked to see Santa’s birth certificate.

Chris Christie told Barbara Walters that he is not too fat to be President.  And when you think about it, if you want a President who is representative of the American people, a fat guy is perfect.

If Christie does get in the race for President, it won’t be as much of a run as it will be a waddle.

If he gets elected President it will be even harder to bring down the deficit because we’ll have to pay to feed him.

Michigan passed a right-to-work law.  Unfortunately, because of Obama’s policies to keep giving free handouts to the poor, many people would just rather not work at all.

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