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Here are some funny observations from the news over the last week:

With news of Mel Gibson’s rants coming out at the same time as the movie “Despicable Me” many people thought it was actually Mel’s autobiographical movie.

BP was able to finally stop the oil leak in the Gulf this last week.  They hired Mel Gibson to yell at it and it immediately shut down.

The YMCA is now officially called just “The Y”.  So, apparently, not only are Americans too lazy to go there to exercise.  They are also too lazy to say four letters instead of just one.

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are now engaged to be married and the office pools are already surpassing the size of the Super Bowl pools on how long they will be together.

Last week Yankee owner, George Steinbrenner, died of a heart attack.  Somewhere a whole bunch of dead former Yankee players are waiting to get chewed out for something.

Dick Cheney had heart surgery last week and he’s expected to make a full recovery.  He should be back shooting and waterboarding people in no time at all.

Joe Biden had to pay over $200,000 to the Treasury Department in penalties for his 2008 bid for the presidency due to sloppy bookkeeping and record keeping.  His spokesperson said that sort of thing is very common but privately Biden was heard to say it was actually “a big f—ing deal.”

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Here are some funny, albeit meaningless, ideas to ponder throughout the day when you have extra time, like while standing in a line, sitting on the toilet, etc.

Lindsay Lohan had an obscenity manicured onto the nail of her middle finger while appearing at her recent court date.  It makes you wonder if Joe Biden might have been her copywriter.

Since women are so worried about making sure clothing and accessories match, does that mean they think a guy might not want to sleep with them if their shoes and purse did not match.

If terrorists are promised 70 virgins when they go to heaven does it follow that Catholic priests are promised 70 12 year-old altar boys when they go to heaven?

How many Republicans are secretly cheering that President Obama is campaigning for Harry Reid?  And I wonder if they are secretly hoping Joe Biden joins in too because that would really make it a “Big f___ing deal”.

How many Americans are waiting for Obama to start taking credit for creating jobs for all the people doing the BP oil clean-up?

American’s diets are typically so bad it makes you wonder if they are just eating that way so their asses get so fat that they will be considered too big to fail.

Since the Netherlands were in the Cup Final I’m curious how many people actually thought Peter Pan might be playing.

BP has reported progress on the oil spill.  I’m wondering if the progress is that Obama is no longer talking about kicking anyone’s ass.

….And last of all I wonder how many of you are actually going to remember some of these lines the next time you are sitting on the toilet.

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Here are some funny observations that were gotten from the happenings in the news from the last week.

A massage therapist has accused Al Gore of sexual misconduct in 2006 while he had checked into a hotel under the alias of Mr. Stone.  This alias must have been based on what his personality is like because Tipper has assured everyone that it wasn’t because Al would get as hard as that.

The woman is claiming to have clothing with DNA from his semen as evidence that it occurred.  Gore is now claiming to have invented that method of proving illicit sex.

Congressman are now suggesting that the proper punishment for BP executives would be to put them in a small room with vuvuzela horns blowing until the oil spill is fully cleaned up.

Obama is warning European countries not to make cuts in their economies because budget slashing could threaten the global recovery.  Ben Bernake has even offered to lend any of these financially strapped countries helicopters to drop money from, if needed.

General McChrystal, the top general in Afghanistan, got fired for making disparaging remarks about Obama and his administration.  If that’s all it takes I think we have finally found a way to get all of our troops out of Afghanistan.

In related news, McChrystal had unfriended both Obama and the editor of Rolling Stone magazine from his Facebook account.

An Arizona restaurant is serving lion burgers, burgers actually made from lion meat.  They said it only happened because they had bought the lions to have illegal aliens fight the lions,  ala the Roman coliseums, but when they found out that might be bad PR they decided going this route with the lions would be so much better.

Chest x-rays of Marilyn Monroe recently sold at an auction for $45,000.  The buyer was pissed because he thought they were going to be 3D photos and now he thinks the auctioneers are just trying to extort more money out of him by forcing him to buy the 3D glasses.

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This is the continuing feature run on darnfunnyonline where we like to make the observation how things could always be worse, no matter how bad they seem right now:

It could be worse, you could be an incumbent congressman in November.

It could be worse, you could be a robber and decide to rob a donut shop filled with policeman.

It could be worse, you could be a person who does not think, therefore, you are not.

It could be worse, you could be a fish at the end of a fisherman’s line instead of a fish in the Gulf of Mexico where you have the option to swim away.

It could be worse, in the body sizes of life, you could be a size that even Starbucks hasn’t invented yet.

It could be worse, you could be a high fructose corn syrup product in the hands of a fat guy.

It could be worse, you could be one of the plans the A-Team had that never came together.

It coud be worse, you could be a new lobbyist and the very first congressman you try to bribe turns out to be the very first honest congressman.

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Here are some funny jokes from the very popular comedian, Chris Rock:

I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter, hold onto their mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass, I can see old ladies on the phone. They’ve already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for me to do something wrong.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to
go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are namedBush, Dick, andColon. Need I say more?

Ever see a list of the richest black people in the country? Oprah’s on there. Cosby. Michael Jordon. Magic Johnson. Tiger Woods. Movie stars. But you can’t get past number eight without running across a brother who just hit the Lotto jackpot last week.

Bush lied to me. They all lied to me. “We gotta go to Iraq because they’re the most dangerous country on Earth, they’re the most dangerous regime in the world.” If they so dangerous, how come it only took two weeks to take over the whole f***ing country? S**t. Man, you couldn’t take over Baltimore in two weeks.

My mother is the kind of woman you don’t want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She has coupons for coupons.

My mother was real cheap. Okay, practical. She would never pay a bill on time. “If they ain’t cutting it off, I ain’t paying.” She would say, “The first bill is a suggestion. If they really want you to pay it, then they’ll come and tap on your window.” Her whole philosphy of life was: if you die owing money, then you’ve won.

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost $5,000. Because if a bullet cost $5,000, we wouldn’t have any innocent bystanders. That’d be it. Every time someone gets shot, people will be like, ”Damn, he must have did something. S**t, they put $20,000 worth of bullets in his ass.” People would think before they killed somebody, if a bullet cost $5,000. ”Man, l would blow your f**king head off, if l could afford it. l’m gonna get me another job, l’m gonna start saving some money, and you’re a dead man! You better hope l can’t get no bullets on layaway.” So even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you won’t have to go to no doctor
to get it taken out. Whoever shot you would take their bullet back. ”l believe you got my property.”

People are starving all over the world, what do you mean, “Red meat will kill you”? Don’t eat no red meat? No, don’t eat no green meat! If you’re one of the chosen few people in the world lucky enough to get your hands on a steak, bite the s**t out of it!

The only thing I know about Africa is that it’s far, far away. About a thirty-five hour flight. The boat ride’s so long, there are still slaves on their way here.

We got so much food in America we’re allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain’t allergic to s**t. You think anyone in Rwanda’s got a f**king lactose intolerance?!

White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says “gun”? Congressional hearing.

Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population, and 90% of the Final Four.

A man is only as faithful as his options.

I mean, they don’t grade fathers. But if your daughter’s a stripper, you f***ed up.

A white boy that makes C’s in college can make it to the White House.

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I’ve had Rodney Dangerfield jokes on the site before but he has so many to draw from so here are some more:

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

My cousin is gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

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Today we have jokes from 2 different comedians, A. Whitney Brown, a Saturday Night Live alumnus, and Lenny Bruce, a classic innovator in the comedy world.

A group of white South Africans recently killed a black lawyer because he was black. That was wrong. They should have killed him because he was a lawyer.
A. Whitney Brown

I am as frustrated with society as a pyromaniac in a petrified forest.
A. Whitney Brown

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
A. Whitney Brown

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
A. Whitney Brown

I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I’m going to be if I grow up.
Lenny Bruce

The liberals can understand everything but people who don’t understand them.
Lenny Bruce

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
Lenny Bruce

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can’t fake it… try to fake three laughs in an hour – ha ha ha ha ha – they’ll take you away, man. You can’t.
Lenny Bruce

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.
Lenny Bruce

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.
Lenny Bruce

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Here are some funny observations (aka jokes) that are based on this week’s news:

A spokesman for BP said at a press conference that BP was going to take full responsibility for the oil spill then he added, “Hey, what is the deal with Goldman Sachs, can you believe what they did to the economy?  What’s up with that?”

There are now allegations that Michael Jackson was gay.  I don’t know about that but I heard he was seriously considering becoming a Catholic priest.

A holy man in India is claiming to have gone the last 70 years without food or water.  I think someone needs to tell him that there is white cloth wrapped around his body because he is a mummy and he has been dead for 70 years.  If the kid from “The Sixth Sense” was there he’d be saying, “I see dead people,” to him.

The SEC is investigating the recent unusual trading activity in the stock market in the last few days.  They said they are going to get to the bottom of this.  Luckily, since many of their executives have been accused of looking at porn on the job they are used to investigating many bottoms.

A recent survey showed that people 45 and older were dissatisfied with their sex lives.  Of course, this was mostly men who had recently read about Tiger Woods’ exploits.

Ben Bernake spoke to graduates of the University of South Carolina and told them that money can’t buy happiness.  I think the unspoken message here was that as long as there was a Fed and he was running it you aren’t very likely to have any money.

Elena Kagen, the Solicitor General, was nominated to the Supreme Court by Obama.  I never heard of the Solicitor General post.  What does it do?  It sounds like she just makes sales calls to people about nothing in particular.  If she makes a decision in the Supreme Court is she going to be calling people to get their opinion about how to vote?

…and finally, with all the news about Greece lately, former president Bush was heard asking Laura Bush, “What do you call a person from Greece, a Greaser?”

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Here are some quotes/jokes from comedian, Dennis Miller:

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry’s support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry’s appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.

A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

Born again?! No, I’m not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis’ nightstand.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don’t they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

I lapsed into rude.

I rant, therefore I am.

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

Now, I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God’s way of letting you know that you’re having too good a time.

One man’s Voltaire is another man’s Screech.

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation’s highways.

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.

President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.

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Here are some jokes about liberal democrats that were sent to me by another.    Actually, most of these are interchangeable for either party.  The unfortunate fact is there is a too much humor material in both parties.

Q: What’s the difference between Elvis and a smart Liberal?

A: Elvis has been sighted.

Q: How do you get a one-armed Liberal out of a tree?                                                                                                                               A: Wave to him.

Q: What do you call a basement full of Liberals?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 Democrats.

Q: What is foreplay for a Democrat?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.

Q: What is the Democrat doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

A Democrat found a magic genie’s lamp and rubbed it. The genie said, “I will grant you one wish.” He said, “I wish I were smarter”. So the genie made him a Republican.

Q: What the difference between a Democrat and the rear end of a horse?
A: I don’t know either.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They prefer to walk in the dark.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a Democrat.

Q: What’s the difference between a Liberal and a sack of manure?
A: The sack.

Q: What’s the difference between an Iraq terrorist and a liberal?
A: The Iraq terrorist makes fewer demands.

Q: How can you tell a group of Liberals?
A: They are the ones burning the Constitution

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