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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Basketball player, Kris Humphries has reportedly told Kim Kardashian that she has no talent and her fame would not last.  We may have an example of the pot calling the kettle black here, Mr. 5.6 points per game career average.

A transgender woman in Miami, posing as a doctor, is accused of injecting a concoction of cement, mineral oil and “Fix-a-Flat” into a woman’s butt in order to fill it out.  Now people are wondering if this is what made Nancy Pelosi’s face the way it is, or is this, actually, her face we’ve been seeing?  It could be her ass.

I thought of writing an article for my web site about what Congress and the President are doing for the economy but there was nothing to write about so no article.

Congress recently declared pizza a vegetable for school lunches.  What’s next?  Are they going to say there is a Supercommittee in Congress?…Oh wait…

The current cost of the items in the “12 Days of Christmas” song now costs over $100k.  Congress heard about this and, keeping with THEIR Christmas spirit, they want to impose a tax anytime someone sings the song.

A man claimed his sperm was stolen last week.  But that’s what happens when you leave your stuff lying around.

Michael Lohan did not get arrested for anything last week but he did have to have heart surgery.  Lindsay was in shock.  She didn’t know her father had a heart.

The Kardashian Christmas special might be cancelled but I’m not going to let that ruin my holiday fun.  I’m still planning to have a big ass Christmas celebration.

The NBA strike is over and illegitimate children all over the country are cheering because their mothers will get to receive their child support payments from the players.

Oklahoma has had its sixth earthquake in four days.  Apparently Mother Nature thinks Oklahoma is the new California.  Either she thinks California and a few other states have already fallen into the ocean, she is on Psychiatric drugs or she is now working for the post office and the earthquake delivery got lost.

Five people were arrested at the Occupy LA camp when they refused to leave after it was closed down.  Now they’ll get to occupy LA County Jail.  At least it will be cleaner and the food will probably be better.

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

I was going to visit a haunted house for Halloween the other day but the house was foreclosed on so the ghosts were forced to move.

President Obama tried to get a new tax through for Halloween.  He wanted all families making more than $250,000 to give extra candy to trick-or-treaters.

Last week on CNN, Joe Biden said he hadn’t made up his mind yet about running for President in 2016.  So, even though Obama is not doing anything to create jobs at least Biden is, even if it only jobs for comedians.

When Moammar Gadhafi was killed he was shot in the temple twice.  Apparently, he didn’t realize the guy had a gun to his head.  If he had he could be alive today.  Gadhafi begged the guy, “Don’t taze me bro,” instead of “Don’t kill my murderous, cowardly ass, bro.”

Gadhafi being dead will solve one very big problem for the US press.  Now that he is gone they will no longer have to try to randomly figure out how to spell his name.

One more thought on Gadhafi, for Obama to take credit for killing him is like the democrats trying to take credit for the sun coming up in the morning.

If Chaz Bono had won “Dancing with the Stars” Obama was going to try to capitalize on that too and invite him to the White House so that he could capture the transgender vote.

According to a new Fox poll, 9% of Americans approve of the job that Congress is doing.  These 9% were criminals who were just admiring Congresses work.

Obama has also been inspired by the Occupy Wall Street Protesters.  He wants to make one of his campaign promises to be Occupy the White House.  It won’t be a problem when he loses since he never keeps any of his other promises either.

Since road kill is now legal to eat in Obama’s home state of Illinois, he is putting a positive spin on that by pointing out that his state is now feeding the poor without raising taxes.

Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce.  She has had sex videos that have lasted longer than her marriage has.

The FAA has ruled that a recent ski diving sex stunt, where the couple had sex in mid-air, did not break any rules.  Apparently , because the couple was practicing safe sex.

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Things Gadhafi Wants To Say From Hell

10 “Can anyone recommend a good hair gel?”

9 “Tweet me if Chaz wins ‘Dancing With the Stars’”

8 “How is it everything’s hot down here except the coffee?”

7 “Remember folks, when you want a long-lasting fire with that great smoky taste, buy Kingsford, the official charcoal of Hell”

6 “How did the Colts do last night?”

5 “Why is Jack LaLanne here?”

4 “Yes it’s hot — but it’s a dry heat”

3 “If you think it’s hot down here, wait til you see the sizzling Salma Hayek on Letterman tonight”

2 “Homicidal reign of terror? For that you go to hell?”

1 “Osama says hello”

Top Ten Details of Rick Perry’s Tax Plan

10 Fifty percent tax increase for all guys named “Mitt”

9 Hunting camps with offensive names are tax exempt

8 It’s covered in rib sauce

7 Lets people choose regular tax, flat tax, or “El tax muy caliente!”

6 It’s called the 9-9-9-9-9-9-9-9-9 plan

5 The obese pay an additional 3 percent per chin

4 Free dance lessons (video of Rick Perry dancing with Orthodox Jews)

3 Not sure. Honestly, when this guy speaks I have no idea what the heck he’s talking about

2 All tax refunds now go directly to the Chinese

1 Punishment for filing late? Lethal injection

Top Ten Things Overheard At Moammar Gadhafi’s Funeral

10 “Honestly, how the heck did he spell his name?”

9 “It’s a shame he didn’t live long enough to promote himself above colonel”

8 “Is it too soon to hit on the Ukrainian nurse?”

7 “After the services, come back to the house for cake”

6 “Where’s his hot daughter Kim?”

5 “And now, a few words from Moammar’s closest friend, Loni Anderson”

4 “At least he died doing what he loved best — begging for mercy in a storm drain”

3 “Incoming!”

2 “Nice of Leno to send flowers”

1 “Let’s bury this guy”

Top Ten Ways Netflix Can Win Back Customers

10 Quit screwing around

9 Heartfelt plea from Larry Netflix

8 Order “Pirates of the Caribbean” — Johnny Depp personally delivers the DVD

7 Hire the smoking Herman Cain guy as new company spokesman

6 Every DVD comes with a trained monkey who presses “play”

5 I don’t know, change the red envelopes to blue envelopes — leave me alone, I’m watching “Gunsmoke”

4 Mailers include DVDs and a slice of delicious meatloaf

3 With every 10th rental, you get free trip to Aruba — How’s that going to help?

2 Buy the rights to current and future Kardashian sex tapes

1 Change the name to Apple

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

First, California governor, Jerry Brown, passed a “vital” law outlawing anyone under the age of 18 to use tanning beds.  Then, he also passed a law making it okay for 12 year olds to get a vaccine to prevent sexually transmitted disease without getting parental consent, tacitly approving of sex at that age.  So far, there is no word if the 12 year olds will be allowed to use the tanning beds if they are having sex.

Lindsay Lohan recently took some cupcakes to her fellow workers at the morgue where she is doing community service and they were turned down.  This is a new experience for her because she is used to going into a bar and anybody there will happily take her cupcakes.

I carved my Halloween pumpkin but I had to end up throwing it out because the end product looked like what Nancy Pelosi would probably look like without the Botox.

Harold Camping, the Doomsday preacher, who said the world would come to an end last May and then said it would again last Friday.  Now said he’s going to wait until after next year’s presidential election to make his next prediction as to when the world will end.

Researchers in Australia are working on a pill for binge drinkers to take the fun out of drinking.  I thought nature already took care of that.  It’s call “throwing up.”

The State Department has confirmed there is only one Jewish person living in Afghanistan.  But he said there are some advantages but on the downside he still has to call his mother everyday and “try to find a good deli, oy!!!”

The Occupy Wall Street protest has inspired unemployed computer geeks to unite and start a new protest.  They are calling it Occupy Starbucks.

President Obama has introduced a new slogan, “We Can’t Wait.” Coincidentally, he came up with this as he was talking to some old people who were standing in line to go to the restroom.

The house used on Jersey Shore is being rented out to the public who want to feel they are sleazy too for $2,500/night.  That is just a cover charge, alcohol is not included.

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Here are some very funny jokes from comedian Steven Wright:

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’

I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”.  So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?” I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.”

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.
If you had a million Shakespeares, would they write like a monkey?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week, always very witty: 9/19/11 to 9/22/11.

Top Ten Things a Candidate Shouldn’t Say During a Presidential Debate

10. Yeah, I killed a guy

9. 50 states? When did Puerto Rico get in?

8. Can you repeat the question? I was thinking about cookies

7. If elected, my cabinet will feature at least three Kardashians

6. I don’t know a damn thing about the economy, but I do know this: Chaz Bono dances like an angel

5. Can anyone beat Angry Birds, Level 16? I can’t kill the pig with the mustache

4. It’s-a-not-so bad, it’s-a nice-a place — Ah, shaddup you face

3. Hey, Republican spelled backwards is “Nacilbuper”

2. As my good friend Osama bin Laden once said . . .”

1. Senior citizens can bite my a**

Top Ten Rejected Genius Grant Projects

10 Self-cleaning monkey

9 Bacon-free bacon

8 Phone directory of wrong numbers

7 Eating so many tacos it’s ridiculous

6 Determining whether Minka Kelly is “hot” or “smokin’ hot”

5 Something called the Clambulance, for injured mollusks

4 New miracle hairpiece for Dave

3 An Oreo with 10 layers

2 Wearing fedora without looking like a jerk

1 Michele O’Bachmann for President campaign

Top Ten Items On The United Nations General Assembly Agenda

10 Screw with the Swedes

9 Recap highlights from last night’s “Two and a Half Men”

8 Goodbye, Euro. Hello, Chuck E. Cheese tokens

7 Pass resolution that Steve Carell “was robbed” at the Emmys

6 Gently break it to the Russians that they’ve been writing their Rs backwards all these years

5 Finally nail down which one’s Uruguay and which one’s Paraguay

4 Pitch sitcom about Greece and United States called “Two Broke Countries”

3 Do whatever China says

2 Congratulate whatever country came up with the “Girl With the Dragon Tattoo” books, because those were awesome

1 Debate whether to renew the Letterman fatwa

Top Ten Highlights Of Barack Obama’s Deficit Plan

10 Pay everything off with a giant bake sale on the White House lawn

9 New 10,000 percent tax on waffles — no way people are giving up their waffles!

8 Congressional Super Committee now reports to even more powerful Super Duper Committee

7 Medicare no longer covers butt X-rays

6 From now on, quarters are worth 26 cents

5 Change the definition of the word “deficit”

4 Seniors must wait until they’re 112 before they can collect Social Security

3 Open more post offices — those places are money machines!

2 Congressmen must pay hookers in cash

1 Jets giving three and a half in Cincy — it’s like found money

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Here are some Jay Leno jokes that are not all from his show.  A  lot of them are from his showroom act he does at many places around the country.

According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.

Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night’s Democratic debate.

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she’s strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.

Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.

For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn’t that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you’re average – hey, let’s get a pizza!

Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you’re not the best, so you should work a little harder.

I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, “I’d like some fries.” The girl at the counter said, “Would you like some fries with that?”

If God doesn’t destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

If you don’t want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.

Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of LA in the next election. Remember the good ‘ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.

More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy – he’s one of their own.

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they’d be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.
Politics is just show business for ugly people.

The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they’re all lining up.

The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

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Here are  some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

A 75 year old woman recently had a breast implant.  This raised her perkiness quotient from her knees to her waist.

Simon Cowell said in an interview with GQ that he wants his body frozen when he dies.  Some think he wanted to get a jump on things by having an ice cold personality.

Baseball player Nick Swisher and his actress wife are going on a honeymoon in Afghanistan.  This is a sure sign that they consider marriage to be hell.

I saw a headline that said “No More Jobs.”  I thought it was about Steve Jobs resigning as the Apple CEO but it was actually about Obama’s economic policies.

Steve Jobs resigned as the CEO of Apple.  Some say it was for health reasons but it was actually for the challenge of finding a new line of products that he can vastly overcharge the public for and make them stand in long lines to do it!

Joe Biden is saying that the U.S. needs more economic stimulus which is the best evidence yet that more stimulus is a bad idea.

It was very hot this past week in Southern California and there’s been no rain all summer.  It’s causing many Facebook users with Farmville farms to pretend to worry about their pretend crops.

Dick Cheney’s new memoir comes out this week.  Surprisingly, it shows his emotional side as he expresses his love of waterboarding and torture in general.

Cheney is also working to head off any critics of his book.  He’s taking a pro-active approach and invited anyone who wanted to discuss the book with him in person to go on a hunting trip with him.

It was so hot this past week that Lady Gaga decided to be very efficient and wear a bacon dress outside until it cooked and then she went inside, added tomato and lettuce, and had lunch.

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As I see the back to school specials and parents scurrying through stores getting their children ready for the next nine or ten months of parental vacation, where they can blame the schools for their kid’s screw ups, it makes me hark back to my own youth.  Ah, yes, as I transitioned from goofing off in the summer, unsupervised, to goofing off in school, while being supervised.  It was a definite art and was a major part of my education which enhanced my creativity.  And it helped me become such a gooderest writer that I am today with unik speelin skils.  (If you are reading this after reading some of my older posts and you are thinking, “Hey, buddy, you don’t have to fake the bad grammar and spelling,” you’ll have to take it up with my old teachers.  It’s their fault, they should have made me study harder, or at all.)

Those were simpler times, of course.  Back then a kid only had to worry about getting his lunch money stolen or getting paddled by the teacher in front of the rest of the class.  Now kids have all those worries and so many more, such as, being prepared with birth control in case your teacher wants to have sex with you.

Kids are so much more advanced these days.  Back in my day students never had sex with teachers in high school.  You had to wait until you got to college to hone that skill and even then it was just the female students.   Actually, there weren’t even any teachers at my school, in any grade that I would have been interested in.  Of course, there was that one teacher that used to sneak up behind the kids and do a strategic pinch on their shoulder that would make them squirm in their chair.  Not a sexual kind of squirm, though.  So, I don’t think that would qualify and he only did it to the boys anyway, or as they used to say on the Seinfeld show, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

Another tough decision kids have today, that we didn’t have to go through, is choice of weapon.  For example, is a knife sufficient?  Should I carry a gun, or pack, as they say?  How do I get it through the metal detector?  There are so many choices.

I had a distinct advantage back in the day because I played sports in high school.  I would say I was a superstar but there are some of my old high school friends who read these articles and they know better.  Still, I was good enough to make it an advantage.  I was able to get away with more than a lot of kids.  But if the teacher didn’t like sports it became a definite disadvantage.  Then it was like getting chickens to swim and since I went to school, that they cannot swim, is one of the many valuable things I learned there.  I also learned about cosines in algebra, or geometry, one of those classes that vaguely had something to do with math.  Anyway, back to the cosines, since I was very logical I didn’t have to listen when they taught about that because it is obviously just referring to two signs.  Logic is such a great time saver.

There were so many useful things that I learned in school, too many to mention here.  And now that I’ve wrapped up this article I can put to use those valuable goofing off lessons I learned so well back then.

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Abercrombie & Fitch has paid Jersey Shore star Mike Sorrentino, The Situation, to not wear their brand of clothing anymore because they were afraid it might hurt sales.  Now humans beings in general are also feeling he might reflect badly on all humans should aliens from another planet land on earth.

Last Friday was National Aviation Day so all the airline pilots got together and got drunk.  They had invited the air traffic control guys to the party too but they all just fell asleep.

There was a mysterious orange goo that showed up on the shoreline of a village in Alaska.  Turns out it was just residue of the make-up that John Boehner wears.

Burger King has dethroned their king as their mascot because they want to promote a healthy image.  At the same time McDonald’s is considering a new slogan, “Our mascot is a clown and we still kick Burger King’s ass.”

Starbucks is no longer going to let customers use their Internet service a whole day and just buy one cup of coffee.  They say if this is successful they may be able to lower their prices to only 4 times what they should be charging.

The man who saved a 6 year-old girl from a child abductor says he’s an illegal immigrant.  Now Congress is jumping on the band wagon with a new immigration policy – Save a life, get amnesty.

Bill Clinton celebrated his 65^th birthday.  He had a great time a in a relaxing hotel with a wonderful celebration and afterward he even took a call from Hillary wishing him a happy birthday.

The Georgetown University basketball team had a goodwill basketball tour in China that coincided with Joe Biden visiting China.  The Chinese team started a big fight and they couldn’t even finish the game.  It turns out they were pissed at the Americans for bringing Joe Biden into the country.

There was a shortage of drugs reported by drug companies and suddenly the world became brighter to so many people.  (Not a joke so much as a social commentary.)

Bill Clinton became a vegan but this is somewhat hypocritical of him because he is still very thankful that Monica Lewinsky was not a vegan back when he was President.

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