Here are some jokes by Steven Wright, who is the king of the one-liners:
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
When I turned two I was really anxious because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, “If this keeps up, by the time I’m six, I’ll be ninety.”
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He goes: “Not in a row!”
I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.
If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts.
I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Okay, so what’s the speed of dark?
I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked, “Do you have any firearms with you?” I said: “What do you need?’
Boycott shampoo! Demand REAL poo!
I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it.
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
I put some instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case…..coincidence?
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism — to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.