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Since I had some computer problems the other day and we are also at Thanksgiving it made me pause and wonder what it would have been like if the Pilgrims would have had access to a computer.  (What can I say?  I had some free time since  my computer wasn’t working.)  Anyway, this is what I came up with:

Female Pilgrim:  Husband, I need thouest to Google something for me.

Male Pilgrim: (Big smile) Oh, I would be happy to Google thou.   I did not think thouest would be in the mood for, ahem, Googling since the Indians and all the other Pilgrims are coming  over and all the cooking thouest needs  to do.

Female Pilgrim: No, no, thouest is a moron.  To Google something is not a euphemism for sex, it means to get information about something on our new computer.  I want to know how long I’m supposed to cook this turkey.

Male Pilgrim:  Oh that, yeah, I cannot.  Windows is not working.

Female Pilgrim:  I must say, thouest’s English certainly does sucketh. You should say the windows are not working.  What does that matter anyway?  It’s November in New England.  We don’t need the windows open.

Male Pilgrim:  No dearest, wife.  Windows is the operating system on the computer.  If it is not working I cannot Google anything or do anything else on the computer for that matter.

Female Pilgrim:  Oh, well, I guess that is good.  That means thouest can’t look at porn now.

Male Pilgrim:  No, no, no, darling.  I only have eyes for you in thouest’s black dress with the sexy bonnet.

Female Pilgrim:  Thouest are full of excrement from the cow.  I saw thouest looking at picture of female Pilgrim’s ankles on the Internet the other day.

Male Pilgrim:  Well maybe if I got to see your ankles more often I wouldn’t need to look at such pictures.

Female Pilgrim: (Frustrated) AHHHHHHH!   Sometimes  I  wish  those Indians had never  even given us that computer.  I think maybe we should just give it back to them.

Male Pilgrim:  But then people would call us “Indian givers.”

Female Pilgrim:  That is not what that term means!  Thouest really are a moron!

Male Pilgrim:  Whateverest.

Female Pilgrim:  Ever since they gave us that computer all we do is fight.  You spend too much time on Farmville instead of actually working.

Male Pilgrim:  Well, thouest spends too  much  time  on  chat lines.

The camera (there had to be a camera in this  movie that is  going on in my head) pans the room and we see two Indians looking in the window. (That is an actual window not Windows from Microsoft.)  They are laughing to each other and give each other a high five.

First Indian:  They give us diseases, we give them computers.

They high five again.

Back to the Pilgrim couple.

Male Pilgrim: Well, if all thouest is going to do is argue with me, I’m going to watch football.

Female Pilgrim:  Watch what?

Male Pilgrim:  Football, it’s an American tradition every Thanksgiving.

Female Pilgrim:  (Exasperated)  But this is the first Thanksgiving!

Male Pilgrim:  Then I guess I’ll be starting the tradition.

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Today, this being very close to Thanksgiving, we’ll learn about a lesser known group that helped to start the Thanksgiving tradition.  This group was not quite up to being Pilgrims, they are the lesser known Ilgrims.  They just dropped their “P”, which if you just hear that instead of see it you may think that many of the Ilgrims had prostate problems, which many of them did.

You see, the Ilgrims were old Pilgrims that were kind of put out to pasture.  They couldn’t really serve any purpose in the original group anymore so they shipped them away to a neighboring village.  Their Pilgrim children would come to visit every now and then when their guilty consciences caught up with them, but not very often.

The Ilgrim’s Thanksgiving wasn’t quite the same experience as the Pilgrims.  The Pilgrims did invite the Ilgrims to the first Thanksgiving feast but the weather was bad and the Ilgrams couldn’t get there.  Being prideful old people they decided to have their own Thanksgiving feast so they went to the neighboring casino, which was run by the local Indian tribe.  The Indian casino was not their first choice, however.  They had sent out a hunting party but between all the bathroom breaks the male hunters had to take and their eyesight being so bad that they couldn’t get close enough to the deer or turkey to shoot them they ended up with a lesser meat, possum.  Actually, that didn’t even work out that well because after they shot the possum they realized it was already dead, the hunters thought it was just pretending.  It turns out it had been road kill and after they shot it there was not enough meat left to  feed one person let alone the whole group of Ilgrims.  That’s how they ended up at the Indian casino.

They ate at the buffet.  While their snooty kids, the Pilgrims, were eating outside on picnic tables in the middle of November the Ilgrims got to eat in a nice warm casino.  The Indian casino turned out to be a blessing in disguise for the Ilgrims because they met the Indian’s medicine man.  I should point out that these Indians were also older Indians that had been sent off in to the mountains to die.  Instead of going to the mountains though these old Indians met an old medicine man who had a kiosk and was selling snake oil.  Really it wasn’t snake oil at all.  It was actually experimental drugs from Eli Lilly that didn’t improve the quality of life but it did keep the Indians alive a lot longer.

Anyway the Indians at the casino introduced the Ilgrams to the sales rep from Eli Lilly and along with the old medicine man, who, by the way, got drummed out of the medicine man union for using pharmaceutical drugs, they got the Ilgrims hooked on the drugs that extended their lives even though the Ilgrims couldn’t have cared less because all they did after that was stare at their TV sets (which didn’t even work because electricity wasn’t invented yet) and droll into their soup bowls.

Since it did extend their lives another 20 years the Ilgrams started a tradition of going to the Indian casino every Thanksgiving.  And the Ilgram wives didn’t even get upset when the hookers from the casino made advances to their husbands because it wasn’t like they could do anything about it since Viagra had not yet been invented.

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(Note: This was an article I had written last year for Thanksgiving but the site was very new then so I am posting it again for all the new readers to enjoy.)

Thanksgiving is almost here.  This wonderful holiday means many things to many people.  To the football fan it is being able to watch football all day on a day that is not Saturday or Sunday.  To people who like to gorge themselves with food it is more fun than a sex therapist walking in on an orgy.  But to some people it is a an actual day when they do give thanks, such as that Nigerian businessman  giving thanks to Al Gore for inventing the Internet so that he could find that one in 10,000,000 people that is gullible enough to actually give out their bank information in hopes of getting rich.

There are really so many things that we can all give thanks for and when we look deep into our hearts it’s not hard to find them, for example:

Donald Trump can be thankful for all the money he makes because it gives him hope of someday having enough of it to find a cure for the bad hairdo.

Jon and Kate can be thankful for reality TV where people with no observable talent or skill can somehow still become famous and make a fortune.

Fox News can be thankful for Obama being critical of them and bringing up their ratings.

The drug lobbyist can give thankful that there are organizations within our government such as the FDA and Congress where you can still slip people money under the table and get them to do what you want even if you and the organizations you represent are a lying sack of dung.

Ronald McDonald can be thankful for the fact that he met his wife before she ever got a taste of the Burger King’s whopper.

Turkeys can be thankful that there is only one day a year (although for many people Christmas too) where they have to fear for their lives.

But  enough of that.  I always wondered what it was like being a turkey on a turkey farm leading up to  Thanksgiving:

Scene 1 – It is a sunny day in late April and two Turkeys, Tom and Tim, are laying on lounge chairs with their sunglasses on, smoking cigars and sipping on a beverage.

Tom:  It doesn’t get any better than this.  Whoever said being a turkey was a hard life didn’t know what he was talking about.

Tim: Yep, surrounded by chicks (A mother turkey walks by with her babies.) (Author’s note: baby turkeys are officially called poults but that doesn’t fit with the dialogue here, so deal with it!) We live the good life, all right.

Scene 2 – (Author’s note again, the scenes are not that long because turkeys are not known as great conversationalists.)It is mid-summer and Tom and Tim are sitting by the pool.

Tom: It sure is great to be a turkey.

Tim: Yeah, we could have been pigs and we’d have to worry about people who love bacon.

(They both laugh heartily.)

Scene 3.  (It is late October. Tom and Tim are sitting outside their roost.  They both have concerned looks on their faces.)

Tom: Have you noticed less of our turkey friends around here lately?

Tim:  Yeah, I wonder what’s going on?

They see the farmer walking towards them with an axe.  They look at each other wide-eyed and scream.)

Tom & Tim:  AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

(Author’s note, yet again, Tom and Tim thought the farmer was coming at them with an axe because he was going to make them into food but the real reason was because this little play was going nowhere!)

Moral of the story:  If you are an actual turkey, it may seem like everything is going your way but you will, eventually, lose it all in the end.  (Congressmen up for re-election next year need to take note.)

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Here are some really funny Thanksgiving jokes that were sent to me by some readers:

I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own. Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you & threw the door. Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts. Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender white skin. From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits. The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin. My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body. I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door. As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I. I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in. I put in more, you take it willingly. In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can’t put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within. Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender. I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good. Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste. “Oh yes”, I say to you, I must say Grace “Thank God for Butterball turkey…. Amen”

***

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,”I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough. “Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this,” She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

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