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Funny Things Kids Say in Church

This is something that someone sent me that is really funny about what kids think they hear when they are in church and what they say as a result: KIDS IN CHURCH 3-year-old Reese : 'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little boy was overheard...

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Steven Wright Quotes, Again

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 05-01-2010

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I had previously posted some jokes from Steven Wright but he has so many good, quick one-liners that I’m posting some new ones:

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it.

I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious!

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.

I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking,” but I don’t have that much time.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

darnfunnyonline.com

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Steven Wright Jokes

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 14-10-2009

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Here are some jokes from Steven Wright who is the true modern day “king of the one-liners”.
 
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. 

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‘What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!’

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. 

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Don’t you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. 

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge… you can’t hear him talk. 

Hermits have no peer pressure.

How young can you die of old age?

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn’t know what to add to it. 

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

darnfunnyonline.com

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