Here are some jokes by stand-up comedian Mo Mandel, who has appeared on various venues, including Comedy Central:
Our high school coach got caught with meth at a game. And he told the school that he had bought it, but never used it. I’ve never bought drugs and not used them. Right? They’re not condoms.
I don’t use condoms ’cause I’m trying to build a fan base.
I did this TV show at three in the morning. The booker would not let me tell the meth joke. He said he wanted the show to be appropriate for children as young as seven. I was like, ‘If a seven-year-old’s watching TV at three in the morning, the meth joke will work.’
They used to pick on me. I was the only Jewish kid in this redneck town. They hated Jews, but they didn’t know anything about them. ‘Hey, Jew boy, go back to Utah!’
I didn’t fight back. I’m like the opposite of Jay-Z. I have 99 problems and being a bitch is a significant portion of those problems.
You ever been to a comedy club? Not a very classy environment. They always have a two drink minimum. They force you to drink ’cause they’re very insecure that the show might suck. They’re like, ‘Come on in — this guy’s hilarious, as long as you are f**ked up the whole time.’ Can you imagine another business trying to pull that? You go to a restaurant; they’re like, ‘Come on in, the food’s great here. Before you eat it, you got to smoke some weed. Yeah, we just serve Hot Pockets up in this bitch. But if you’re high it, doesn’t suck as much.’
I’m Jewish in kind of a weird way. Check it out — face and hair are just excessively Jewy; then I got, like, the muscular jock’s body. Kind of in between a Jew and a guy who drives by in a truck and yells, ‘Jew.’ A little bit dreidel, a little bit methamphetamine.
When you move to LA to get into show biz, all your friends from back home warn you that you’re going to become shallow and superficial. But I don’t really worry about it, ’cause I don’t even talk to those friends anymore.
Grew up with those hippie parents. Mom was always smoking weed around the house. It’s not cool. If you’re a parent, don’t smoke weed in front of your kids, because it ruins weed for your kids, and that’s selfish. I see my Mom rolling joints — very confusing. First time someone offered me a joint in high school, I was like, ‘I’m not going through menopause. Why would I want that? My temperature’s fine, and I’m very fertile.
Here’s how I feel about gay marriage. I don’t understand why people care whether you marry a man or a woman. ‘Cause if you’ve ever seen a couple over 65, it is very hard to tell who is who.
They say breaking up is so hard to do, but have you ever done it by e-mail? It’s incredibly easy: point, click, done, bitch.
I’m now in what’s known as a long distance relationship, which is very tough. I live in L.A., and she lives in the future.
Have you ever been in the position where you’re dating somebody and she tells you she’s an anorexic, but there’s just no way? I was dating this girl who told me she’s an anorexic. I was like, ‘Well, keep working on it because — did you just start right now?’
We were at this liquor store in Long Beach at 1 a.m. buying pornography, cigarettes and vodka. And then Darren goes, ‘Hey, you want to buy a lottery ticket?’ ‘No, Darren, I do not. We’re buying pornography, cigarettes and vodka. Clearly, we are not on a winning streak.’
Everyone in L.A. is obsessed with being healthy but in just ridiculous ways… They take anti-depressants, and they also take Pilates, and they take yoga, and they take spin class. It’s like, if you’re unhappy, don’t try to live longer.