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Here are some of the classic jokes by HennyYoungman, the true king of the one-liners:

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.

A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, “Are you comfortable?” The guy says: “I make a good living.”

Take my wife… please.

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. “Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?”

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman “Can I park here?” “No” says the cop. “What about all these other cars?” “They didn’t ask!”

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I asked a Jewish man “Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?” He said “Yes”, and walked away.

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Here are some more of Woody Allen’s classic jokes:

I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I’m short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

I’m so excited—I think today I’m going to brush all my teeth.

In the event of war, I’m a hostage.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I’m astounded by people who want to know the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought — particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5′7″, it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

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Here are some of Woody Allen’s classic jokes:

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, my brother’s crazy, he thinks he’s a chicken.” The doctor says, “Why don’t you turn him in?” The guy says, “We would. But we need the eggs.”

I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

In California, they don’t throw their garbage away – they make it into TV shows.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’ but not in those words.

When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in my bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.

And in all of Babylonia there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, ’til the prophets bade the multitudes get a grip on themselves and shape up.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways?

I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I think you should defend to the death [the KKK's] right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded… dead.

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Here are some more jokes by the very funny stand up comedian, Mitch Hedberg:

I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

I saw a commercial on late night TV. It said,”Forget everything you know about slipcovers.” So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were.

Hey this joke’s on the first CD, but I added a new line so I can’t f**kin’ rob you of this one: I got a ant farm but them fellas didn’t grow s**t. I said “C’mon what about some celery? You f**kers don’t farm! Plus, if I tore your legs off you would look like snowmen.” That’s the new part.

See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. “Sir, you forgot this!” “No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.”

If you find yourself lost in the woods, f**k it — build a house! Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. “Look at that dead guy. Let’s go that way.”

Some people think I’m high on stage. I would never get high before a show, because when I’m high, I don’t wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don’t know. That does not sound comfortable. Like, when you’re high, and a joke doesn’t work, it’s extra scary. It’s like,”Whoa, what the hell happened there? I am retreating within myself. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated? Why am I not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand?”

If I was a locksmith, I’d be f**kin’ pimping that s**t out.”Say, what’s goin’ on, man? Tell you what, I’ll trade you a free key duplication…” [laughs] That joke made me laugh before I could finish it. Which is good ’cause there’s no ending.

You know when it comes to racism, people say: ” I don’t care if they’re black, white, purple, or green.” Uh, hold on now: purple or green?! You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! Unless they’re suffocating, then help ‘em.

I love my FedEx guy ’cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it. And he’s always on time.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

On a stop light green means go and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means, “where the f**k did you get that banana at?”

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that’s real easy to remember. Something like 222-2222. I would say, “Sweet.” And then people would say, “Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?” I’d say, “Just press 2 for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed 2 enough.”

I’m sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It’s time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

When Gatorade has a commercial, they always have like a guy playin’ sports. I don’t think ya have be like playing sports and sweating to enjoy a Gatorade. I just think you can be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. “I’m thirsty for absolutely no reason, other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time. Can I have a Gatorade, too? Or does that lightningbolt mean ‘No’?”

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Here are some jokes by a very funny  stand up comedian, Mitch Hedberg:

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

My roommate says, “I’m going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?” It’s like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt that some strands were more important than others.

I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I’ve still got tartar, but it’s under control.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an “Escalator temporarily out-of-order” sign. Just “Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.” We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.

I think Pringles’ initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said “F**k it. Cut ‘em up! We can play tennis later.”

I like cinnamon rolls. That’s why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. ‘Cause I don’t always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I’d rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I haven’t slept for 10 days, because that would be too long.

They say that the recipie for sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, and there’s more to it than that. “You want some more home made sprite?” “Not until you figure out what the f**k else is in it!”

I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen’s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.

I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

I was walking down the street the other day when this guy asked if I wanted a frozen banana. I said “no” but then thought I might want a regular banana later, so, “yeah.”

This shirt is “dry clean only”… which means it’s dirty.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he’s fuzzy! Let’s get out of here!

My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said “Mitch, don’t use liquor as a crutch.” I can’t use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely f**ks up the way I walk. It ain’t like a crutch, it’s like a step I didn’t see.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”

I like waffles. Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps. A waffle says to the syrup, “Hold on, now. You ain’t goin’ anywhere. Don’t even be tryin’ to creep down the side. Just rest in these squares. If one square is full, move on to the next one. When you hit the butter, split up.”

I would like to go fishing and catch a fishstick. That would be convenient.

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Here are some jokes by Steven Wright, who is the king of the one-liners:
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

When I turned two I was really anxious because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, “If this keeps up, by the time I’m six, I’ll be ninety.”

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He goes: “Not in a row!”

I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.

If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts.

I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Okay, so what’s the speed of dark?

I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked, “Do you have any firearms with you?” I said: “What do you need?’

Boycott shampoo! Demand REAL poo!

I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

I put some instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case…..coincidence?

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism — to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

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Here are some jokes by Rita Rudner, a great comic who got her big break on the Tonight show and is now a regular headliner in Las Vegas:

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it’s quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

As you get older, the birthday cards you receive get meaner. The closer the person is to you, it seems the meaner they are. Last year I received a card with a rotting corpse on the front and inside it read,”At least she can still attract flys!” Love Mom.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

After you’ve dated someone, it should be legal to stamp them with what’s wrong with them so the next person doesn’t have to start from scratch.

I was asking my friend who has children, “What if I have a baby and I dedicate my life to it and it grows up to hate me? And it blames everything wrong with its life on me?” And she said, “What do you mean, ‘If’?”

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they’d say, “Thank you.” That graduated into “Have a nice day.” That’s now escalated into “You take care of yourself, now.” The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, “Don’t put off that mammogram.”

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.

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Here are some jokes by comedian Jack Handley, who is best known for Deep Thoughts on Saturday Night Live:

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, “What was that?!”

If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas because that’s what He’s getting.

If you ever drop your keys in molten lava you can just forget about ‘em. Cause, man – they’re gone.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “Mankind”. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words – “mank” and “ind”. What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he’s throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

Most people don’t realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might if they screamed all the time for no good reason.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you’re coming home his face might burn up.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he’s real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the person’s house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says “You.” After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”

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Here are some jokes by Bill Cosby, one of the all time great comedians:

I said to a guy, “Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful,” and he said, “Because it intensifies your personality.” I said, “Yes, but what if you’re an asshole?”

A word to the wise ain’t necessary. It’s the stupid ones who need the advice.

I am not the boss of my house. I don’t know when I lost it. I don’t know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss’s job, and I don’t want it!

It was because of my father that from the ages of seven to fifteen, I thought that my name was Jesus Christ. He’d say, “Je-sus Christ!” And my brother Russell thought that his name was Dammit. “Dammit, will you stop all that noise?! And Jesus Christ, sit down!” One day, I’m out playing in the rain, my father yelled, “Dammit will you get back in here!” I said, “Dad, I’m Jesus Christ!”

As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak. She gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by “survival of the fittest.”

Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.

My parents never smiled, because I had brain damage. My wife and I don’t smile, because our children are loaded with it. Oh, my parents smile now, whenever they come over to the house and see how much trouble I’m having. Oh, they have a ball! “Havin’ a little trouble, eh, son?”

I love it when they ask you a question, you try and answer, they tell you to shut up! “Day and night, night and day, work my fingers to the bone, for what?” “I don’t…” “Shut up!!! When I ask you a question, you keep your trap shut! Think I’m talking to hear myself talk? Answer me!!!”

When you’re a father you censor yourself. You get just as angry with a child but you don’t want to say, “What the filth and foul and I’ll filth and foul, filth and foul and, yeah, ya filth and foul face, and I’ll filth and foul, foul, filth!” You don’t want to say that to a child so you censor yourself and you sound like an idiot. “Well what the… who… I’ll… get out of my face!”

My wife and I were intellectuals before we had children. We were very, very bright people. My wife graduated from the University of Maryland, child psychology major with a B-plus average, which means that if you ask her a question about a child’s behavior, she will give you at least an 85 answer. I, from Temple University, physical education major with a child psychology minor, which means that if you ask me a question about a child’s behavior, I will tell you to tell the child to take a lap.

I always wanted to get some calves’ brains, keep ‘em in my hand. My mother would hit me in the head, I’d throw ‘em on the floor. But knowing my mother, it wouldn’t work. She’d say, “Put your brains back in your head! Don’t you let your brains fall out of your head! Have you lost your mind?”

Look, you’re driving a truck. Here comes another truck, gonna hit you. Now whether or not you hit the truck, you are going to have soiled underwear. Cause first you say it, then you do it!

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, “You know, I brought you into this world, I’ll take you out. And it don’t make no difference to me, I’ll make another one look just like you.”

Parents are not interested in justice. They want quiet.

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Here are some jokes by the well known stand up comedian, DL Hughley:

They got the terror alert — it’s orange, it’s yellow, it’s red. Who the hell is protecting us — Skittles?

The whole argument is — when does life begin? Does it begin at conception, or does it begin when the baby is an embryo? Anybody with children knows life with them don’t begin ’til they can pay their own damn bills.

Some reporter came on: ‘The shocking death of Ronald Reagan….’ Ronald Reagan was 93. When you’re 93, you’re shocked you woke up again.

White folk, y’all got the littlest dogs I have ever seen in my whole life… ‘Her name is Peppers. She weighs three pounds and cost $2000.’ Well you should have named her Cocaine.

(On winning the lottery) I guess if I won that much money, I’d still go to work. I’d go to work every day, four hours late, take a two-hour lunch, leave four hours early. Eventually, they would get so sick of that bullsh*t and fire me. Then, I’d get two checks: unemployment and lottery. Who winnin’?

White people, I’m so tired of y’all getting shot at work. It’s so unnecessary. If you ain’t sure what to do, just watch the black people. Look, here’s a rule of thumb: when black people run, you run. You don’t even have to know why.

You go to the airport, they make you take off your shoes — like black people are going to have a bomb in our g**damn shoes. As much money we pay for shoes, you must be out of your mind!

The pope believes that the worst that could happen to him if he passes on is that he immediately goes to Heaven. That’s what he says, but every time I see the pope in public, he’s got that bullet-proof glass wrapped around him, which lets me know he don’t believe all that sh*t he’s talking. Praise the lord — and then, raise the glass up.

White folks, y’all got a child that’s kind of slow, y’all send him to a special school. Black folks won’t even admit there’s anything wrong with their child. ‘Get your crazy ass in this house. Ain’t nothing wrong with that boy. He always wears a football helmet and cowboy boots.’

If you want to stop kids from getting kidnapped, it’s a simple thing: teach them how to cuss. That’ll stop them from getting kidnapped. You don’t believe me? You walk along in the mall, you hear some little kid shout out, ‘I don’t know this motherf**ker!’ Everybody in here will turn around then — ‘I don’t think he know that man.’

Pretty women can’t cook worth a damn. Y’all know you can’t. You can’t make sh*t but reservations. ‘Hey girl, I’m hungry.’ ‘Where do you want to eat at?’ ‘In the kitchen, that’s where I want to eat. See that box with the fire coming out? That’s a stove.’

You ever have the police follow you so long, you get suspicious of your damn self? ‘Maybe I did kill them people. I’m a go ahead and turn myself in.’

In L.A., rich people live with rich people and poor people live with poor people. In New York, that’s from building to building. I asked my friend — I said, ‘Man, what’s a good building?’ He said, ‘A good building, you’ve got a doorman. A bad building just got a man at the door. You don’t want to mess with that.’

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