One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
– (Back to School, 1986)

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

Yeah, I know I’m ugly…I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’

My wife was afraid of the dark…then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

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