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Some Johnny Carson Jokes

Here are some jokes from one of my favorites, Johnny Carson: Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president. For days after death...

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Some Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 12-10-2009

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I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint…a Saint Bernard!

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
(Back to School, 1986)

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

Yeah, I know I’m ugly…I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’

My wife was afraid of the dark…then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

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