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Here are some very funny Rodney Dangerfield jokes:

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’

darnfunnyonline.com

I’ve had Rodney Dangerfield jokes on the site before but he has so many to draw from so here are some more:

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

My cousin is gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

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I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint…a Saint Bernard!

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
– (Back to School, 1986)

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

Yeah, I know I’m ugly…I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’

My wife was afraid of the dark…then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

darnfunnyonline.com