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In matters of the heart guys are actually much saner than women…Well, maybe not but it at least sounded like a good thesis for debate.

When you think about it men will actually dote on women more and do things for them, especially manly things like heavy lifting (when our backs aren’t hurting)  and pretending to know how to fix things around the house before we secretly end up calling a professional to really fix it, than women do.  Okay, okay, I can hear the women groaning as you read this but you have to admit there is at least a measure of truth to that when we think we’ll be rewarded with sex.

And, truthfully, if we think the sex will be extra special we’ll put on a maid’s outfit (unfortunately, for some the maid’s outfit is all the reward they need) and clean the whole house if we have to.  This is where the women have us at an unfair advantage because they know we are stupid enough to go to any extreme if sex is involved.

Proof positive that men are of a very sensitive nature can be had by walking into any sports bar after the home town team has lost a game.  There will be a lot of crying going on in that place, my friend, even if it is into their beer, but still!

I, myself, am a very sensitive guy and this is not just where it concerns me directly but about other people too.  For example, when I see a pregnant woman it often brings tears to my eyes.  It lets me know that a man recently had sex with that woman and that is always a heartwarming experience.  So, not only sensitive but unselfish too.  Wow!

We give and we give and this is just for the promise of sex.  The woman doesn’t always deliver (I dare say in some cases, often doesn’t) but we still keep doing things for her because we have hope.

(Wait, we’re still talking about matters of the heart, right?  Whatever, a man’s heart, as well as his brain are both located in the crotch.)

I know the women reading this are probably thinking of all the sacrifices they make for their spouses and their entire families because they love them and all of this goes unappreciated and taken for granted…WELL, DUH!  It’s just expected from you women, that’s what taken for granted means.

When we men do something sweet and unselfish we make a big deal out of it so everyone knows it and we can inflate our egos.  We make such a big deal out of it that the women don’t want us to do this nice stuff too often so they have to hear about it long afterward.  It’s all part of our master plan.  You women were just more responsible and that’s why you get taken for granted because it was just expected.  We men already scored on sensitive and unselfish, so let’s add brilliant to that too.

Men are also very competitive so it’s a good thing we won (at least according to my calculations) because if we had lost, due to our extremely sensitive nature, we probably would have cried about it, even if it was into our beer.

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Here are some funny quotes about women and some of them are even by women.  I don’t know who said these quotes, they are all unknown:

If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

From 40 feet away she looked like a lot of class. From 15 feet away she looked like something made up to be seen from 40 feet away.

I love women. They’re the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that’s fine.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s – That’s because she changes it more often.

No man knows more about women than I do, and I know nothing.

I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.

When a woman behaves like a man, why doesn’t she behave like a nice man?

Despite my thirty years of research into the woman soul, I have not yet been able to answer the great question that has never been answered: What does a woman want?

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?

Women should have labels on their foreheads saying, ‘Government Health Warning: women can seriously damage your brains, current account, confidence, and good standing among your friends’.

What is better than wisdom? Woman. And what is better than a good woman? Nothing.

A woman knows how to keep quiet when she is in the right, whereas a man, when he is in the right, will keep on talking.

Woman is a miracle of divine contradictions.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

A woman is like a tea bag. She only knows her strength when put in hot water.

Women are an alien race set down among us.

Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good? Luckily, this is not difficult.

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

If a woman insists on being called Ms, ask her if it stands for miserable.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

There’s two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time…they’re gone.

As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.

Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilt and I’ll show you a man.

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

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When my girlfriend is fixing things around the house and the screwdriver and hammer are going rapid fire and I stand around pretending like I know what she is doing, I can at least feel really manly when she  screams and runs away from bugs and I take care of them.  So I am very grateful to all the annoying little insects in and around the house that help restore my manhood.

It’s not that I’m not capable of fixing things around the house I just like to let her feel extra valuable by doing all those things, plus I’m in charge of the bugs, already, so get off my back!  I can’t do everything around the house…Okay, I’m lying.  I don’t really know how to fix things at all, in fact, I can barely tell a Phillips head from Joe’s head.  (But I can at least spell Phillips head and knew not to put the apostrophe in there.  That should be good for something.)

I was careful, above, when I said “I take care of the bugs” and “I’m in charge of them,” for the readers that may be aghast now that I might injure the poor little insects.  Let me say that I do it in the most humane way.  When I see a bug in the house I very carefully and caressingly stun it into submission while I then find it a new home.  Admittedly, I sometimes also give them a new shape and size as determined by the angle that I step on them and the new home is in the trash can but I do try to think nice thoughts as I do it, such as, “Ha-ha, gotcha, you little…”

I like to make their new home in the trash can because if I see the other bugs having a funeral for their friend in there so much the better.   Then it is bonus time for the Bug Man! And I get to add them to my kill …or, ah, I mean, stun total.

I also do other manly chores around the house like washing the dishes, for example.  I get them really clean too, at least in my opinion.  I have heard occasional complaints about food residue being left on the outside of pans.  My theory on that is to let it go; it’s only the outside of the pan for god sake!  The next time the pan is used the food residue will help heat up the pan that much faster, thereby saving energy.  It makes it a very “green” thing to do, especially if the residue is green to start out with.

I also do cleaning around the house but I have to admit I am only good getting at surface dirt that you get in dusting and vacuuming, plus you get to vacuum up an occasional bug, which is really cool!   I think the deeper cleaning should be left to the professionals.  Okay now, if you were thinking I meant the professionals were women then you are the sexist, not me.  Besides that, my hands don’t fit into those rubber gloves very well.  (Yeah I know they have different sizes but let’s keep that between you and me.)

Lest anyone still have any attention on the life span of insects in my house let me assure everyone that no bugs were injured or killed in the writing of this article.  But after I’m done those little critters better run for the hills because I’m feelin’ manly!

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A question many men have had down through the ages, after they have had a wife or girlfriend for a while is, “Is it possible for me to be right?”  The answer is going to be revealed now: Yes, it is possible for you to be right as long as you are not within hearing range of your spouse.

Of course, that doesn’t account for her hearing what you said later on and “correcting” you, so at that point all bets are off.  Momentary rightness is better than none at all.

Here is an example of what I’m talking about.  The husband is forced to go shopping with his wife.  She asks him a question:

Woman:  Which dress do you like best, the green one or the red one?

Man: (Tries to shake his head to wake himself up)…uh, I guess the green one is pretty nice.

Woman:  (Without even looking at them again to ponder) I think I’m going to go with the red one.

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This is how this scene would go if she was looking at the same dresses with a girlfriend:

Woman:  I can’t decide which color I liked best.

Friend: Oh, I definitely like the green one.

Woman: You know, I think you’re right.  You are always so smart about these things.

This is what causes men to want to congregate at bars with their male friends.  There men are always right no matter how wrong (and stupid) they really are.  Here is an example:

Man: I think all words should start with the letter “B.”

(Everyone gets quiet and stares at him blankly.)

Man:  Drinks are on me!

Everyone else: (Cheering) Yeah, the letter “B.” Great idea, man, you’re a genius!

Unfortunately, for me, I don’t drink and I’ve always worked at home so I don’t really get out alone with male friends very often.  Consequently, I am rarely ever right. (Big Sigh)…maybe I should take up drinking.

The thing that makes it strange though is when a man first meets a woman and they start going out, for a very brief period of time, everything the man says is correct.  Sadly, this rightness lasts only a very short  time.  Apparently, the woman goes into the relationship hopeful that this man will be the exception and then she finally catches on that there are no exceptions.  She could rehabilitate his ability to be right but to do that she would have to ship him off to an island inhabited only by men. Ultimately, she knows that the closest her man will get to being right is that if he is right-handed.

It has been said that there are no absolute wrongs or absolute rights in this universe.  The closest measurable thing to an absolute wrong would be when a man is having an argument with his spouse.

It would seem then that women think that men are only good for one thing and being right is definitely not it.  Well, if that one thing was what I wanted it to be I could live with that.  Too bad it’s taking out the trash.

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Recently, while loading the dishwasher, I was told I was being anal.  This would not have been so bad except that this was by someone who would be considered the Queen of Anal by many (and by many, I mean particularly me.)  This is like someone being told by President Obama that they are a bad economist.  Anyway, my first reaction upon hearing this was that I should check my shorts and make sure my entire male package was still intact.  Thankfully it was.

Still, it made me take pause.  Was I becoming a woman?  Then I realized, “Uh oh, chick flicks are generally my favorite type of movie.”  I rationalized, but who could resist a line like, “You had me at hello, you had me at hello.” (I’m not sure why she had to repeat it.  Maybe Tom Cruise was supposed to be hard of hearing in that movie.)

Wait a minute! I am becoming a woman, AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Hold on, hold on. (Oh, I repeat myself too, so, okay Renee Zellweger, you get a pass on that one.)  Oh no, this is getting worse by the minute, I’m talking like a woman too.  I’ve got to stop having this conversation …with myself.  (Do women do that?)

Okay, here’s a positive thought, A Few Good Men was one of my favorite movies of all time.  Yeah, that makes me feel better.  A real ass kicker there.  But, oh crap!  Even that was more of a cerebral movie, no bombs going off or bodies blowing up.  Oh sure, there were a couple of unintentional murders which was the premise for the whole movie, but no real guy stuff, like gratuitous violence.  I’m going to admit something here that, as a man, I am not proud of, but I don’t even like gratuitous violence in movies very much.  (Oh God, I hope I’m still capable of having sex!)

Here we go, here’s something in my favor.  Gratuitous sex, which is often in the chick flicks, which I enjoy, is something I like very much.  Yeah, baby!  I’m starting to feel better about my manhood already.  And gratuitous nudity…bring it on!  Yes!!

While I’ll admit, I don’t need the gratuitous sex and nudity, that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate it.  (I couldn’t just stop when I was feeling better about myself, could I?)

I got it now, for me to enjoy a chick flick it has to be a rom com.  So you see, it’s the comedy that I like.  I don’t go for movies like Eat, Pray, Love, Make Me Throw Up.  That’s a relief.  I am pretty macho after all.

Here is a little aside (to get me off of this subject since I was getting ahead, finally.)  There is a new movie coming out with Cameron Diaz, called Bad Teacher.  I don’t think it’s a rom com, or necessarily even a chick flick, but the ad I saw made me regret my childhood because I never had a teacher that looked remotely like Cameron Diaz.  The teacher I most remember was my fifth grade teacher whose boobs were so big she carried her lunch tray on top of them, but not in an attractive way because the rest of her was equally as big. And she reveled in leading the class in singing a stirring rendition of Carry Me Back to Old Virginy…Ah memories!

So there you have it.  I’m going to end off on this subject of my manhood while I’m still ahead, sort of.  Anyway, I‘ve got to get back to loading the dishwasher!

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You have to admire women.  They are the ultimate multi-taskers.  Not only can they cook, clean, pay the bills, take care of the kids, organize the entire household and do a multitude of tasks for the husband, they can also be the consummate backseat drivers while sitting in the passenger seat of the car.  It’s like they are in two places at once.

People often wonder what we did before the invention of the GPS.  But, really, it’s no mystery we’ve always had women to tell us where to go, what to do, how to drive, tell us we are going too fast, too slow, following too close, we should take the side streets, etc., etc.

Probably the reason men have the reputation of never wanting to stop to ask for directions is that we have already received so many directions from our wives that it’s fun for a change to try it on our own.

Even on the standard GPS, they use a woman’s voice.  By the way, I hate that bitch sometimes.  A lot of times she waits until you are right at the turn and then she tells you to turn, which makes you miss the turn.  At least we get to blame her and it doesn’t start a fight with the wife.

They were probably afraid to have a man’s voice on the GPS because male drivers would start talking about sports to their GPS and they’d end up drinking beers in a bar somewhere and never get to where they were going.

In women’s defense, though, if it wasn’t for them, men would probably not, in general, get a whole lot done.  There would be a lot of TV watching and when we’d get bored we tell the youngest child to come over to our chair and have them pull our finger.  We count on our women at those times to roll their eyes and shake their heads to keep us in line.  Our discipline gets a little steeper when the kids are not around , which is one of the reasons we had kids in the first place…protection.

In our driving women are also necessary because even though we act like it’s a burden that they always tell us what to do, we need the orders.  It also works equally well for the women because it gives them a way to manifest their control freakism.  Women aren’t always control freaks.  It usually only occurs after they get married and it happens out of necessity.  So, if we complain about our wives, we shouldn’t since we actually created the situation.  This all makes marriage a very symbiotic relationship.

In regards to driving I think it would be great if they made a GPS with both a male and female voice and that way the GPS genders could argue with each other and it would save a lot of marriages since the live people would just listen.  It would go like this:

Female GPS voice: Turn right at the next light.

Male GPS voice:  What are you talking about we’ll never get there on the side streets, take the freeway.

Female GPS voice:  Fine, at least put your turn signal on.  If you’re going to get us killed we’ll at least be legal.

Male GPS voice:  You never let up, do you!

…And so it goes.  But what would we do without them?  Pull on my finger and you’ll find out!

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When men clean something, unless it is a car, they have a completely different standard of clean than women have, and by different I mean lower.  Not that we consider the object or room to be unclean, but if a women were to inspect our cleaning job after we do it to our “man clean” standard her first response will be to shake her head, then she’ll try to shame us into redoing the job and ultimately she will bypass us altogether and clean it herself and point out the difference afterward (which we won’t be able to see).

“Woman clean” seems so unnecessary to a man.  When a man cleans up in the house his viewpoint is to get off the worse dirt and the female of the house can get the rest.  We figure we did the hard work and you can take over from there.  We just never put it to the woman like that for self-preservation reasons.  It’s not unlike when we open a jar for the woman, we feel like we cooked the meal but she gets to take the credit.  Being such benevolent guys we can live with that.

“Woman clean” compared to “man clean” could be compared to the high-pitched sounds that only a dog can hear.  Men just don’t see what the women see.

This is a little known fact, but, men used to be in charge of the cleaning back in the caveman days.  They would get the cave spick and span by their standard and then when the woman would get home from having a Sabertooth tiger burger with a swamp grass salad on the side with her girlfriends at the local cave diner she would throw a hissy fit about the cleaning job that he did.  It got to the point that he had to carry a club around just to protect himself.  Finally, the cave woman got so sick of the lousy cleaning job that the man did that she took over the cleaning hat, and that’s where we have it today.  We men keep trying every now and then but we just can’t seem to get our cleaning up to the woman’s standard.  And darn it, we are really upset about that (to the guys only: wink, wink.)

This week we will get a guest rebuttal to what I have to say by my girlfriend, Su.  (Please, don’t confuse her with our occasional guest columnist, Dear Crabby, who some might think she is the real life version of.  Just to be clear, I would never think that, nor do I know anybody who would, just sayin’.)

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Man clean. Oxymoron. For decades, I’ve lived by the adage “A clean machine is a happy machine.” You’d think that guys, who are into machines, would instinctively understand this. Maybe it’s because they stopped cleaning back in the caveman days, before machines.

Recently, our vacuum cleaner wasn’t working. I asked Steve to check it out. He looked at it. He said, “I don’t see anything wrong.”

I answered, “Was the roller clean? Was the belt on track?” You’d of thought I was speaking Greek. Or Cave.

Sigh.

There are things that men are good at, though—taking out the trash, for instance. Steve is so good at this, in fact, that sometimes he puts the cans on the street days before pickup. Hmmmm, I just had a thought…. Maybe he did that so I wouldn’t see that he forgot to put it out the week before….

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(Seriously, guys, she is NOT Dear Crabby.)

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With summer just around the corner, people will want to start going to the beach.  This was often a cause for concern for many people, mostly women, because they were worried how they were going to look in a bathing suit.  It created a boom for fad diets and weight loss gimmicks.  But as America’s collective asses get bigger and bigger this is becoming less of a problem.

It should be noted here before we go further that men also care about what they look like but usually when a man looks in the mirror and he sees a stud.  This is because a man is able to see through his own fat and see the body beneath it.  No one else can see his body like that but it looks that way to him.  Strangely he can see other people’s fat, especially women’s, but his own can easily be ignored.

Women, traditionally, balance out this fat equation by seeing much more fat on their body’s when they look in the mirror.  So it works out really well for the men…until reality rears its ugly head.

Men are basically shallow.  To say that men generally have a lot of self awareness would be like saying Chastity is a good name for a hooker.  We can clearly see outnesses in others, again, especially in women.  But when we glance in a mirror and see ourselves, no matter how bad we look we respond with an excited and satisfied, “Oh Yeah!!”

Women balance this out for us again by getting overly concerned with how they look when they glance in the mirror, and by glancing I mean spending ten minutes analyzing and trying to fix things.

A man can have to purchase two seats to be able to fly on an airplane but the only concession he’ll  make is that he might be slightly overweight.

Women obsess about their weight to the point that it is now a cliché that a woman will ask, “Do these jeans make my ass look fat?”  I think, just for fun, and to cure her of ever asking again, men should answer that question with, “No, the jeans have nothing to do with it.  It’s the fat on your ass that makes your ass look fat.”  On second thought that could be the joke that sends us to our grave so let’s just leave that one alone.  We can just snicker to ourselves the next time she asks and continue to abruptly answer that with, “No, those jeans look great on you.”  It really doesn’t matter because she’ll change them anyway.

So, as I alluded to in the first paragraph the solution to people worrying about their weight apparently is that everyone just lets themselves get fatter.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way and 150lbs. for a woman is becoming the new 120lbs.  Women are going to continue to obsess about their weight and their looks and men will continue to obsess about women’s weight and looks, but not their own.

That said, there are exceptions to these rules, like myself for example.  In fact, I think I’ll give myself the once over in the mirror right now… “Oh Yeah!!”  Heck, it looks like I can eat another bag of potato chips before I go to bed.

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The reputation is that women get together and they talk about relationships over a two hour lunch and then they split up the bill down to the penny and if they catch the waiter trying to listen in on their conversation they stiff him.  But recent research that I have done (meaning I thought about it and came up with this theory) is that men talk about relationships just as much as women do, maybe more.

This may surprise you but, frankly, it appears the men are also much more sensitive about it all too.  Here’s an example:

Woman #1:  Bob just doesn’t communicate with me anymore.  He just comes home and plops down in front of the TV and stares at it until he falls asleep.

Woman #2: I hear you.  My Joe does the same thing.  There is one night a week that’s different though.  I have to admit I get excited every week when Monday comes around… because he goes bowling and I get the house to myself.

(They both laugh.)

Men on the other hand take their relationship talk much more seriously.  Here’s what I mean:

Man #1:  I was watching the Lakers’ game last night and there just doesn’t seem to be any communication going on with them the way they move the ball around.

Man #2: I know what you mean.  I’m really worried about it.  If they keep going this way there won’t be any 3-peat.

Now you see what I mean.  There is genuine concern with the men whereas the women are quite cavalier about this relationship problem and just make a joke about it (and not that funny of one either.)  As it turns out that male conversation above turned out to be very prophetic and I, for one, am very distraught about the Lakers’ loss in the playoffs, stemming from their lack of communication, the cornerstone of any relationship.

Men and women also both talk about sex with their friends pretty equally.  Here’s another example:

Woman #1:  Bob was all horny last night and when I finally got the kids to sleep and went up to the bedroom he was asleep.

Woman #2:  HaHa! Just like a man!

(No one really likes that woman #2.)

Now let’s listen to men discussing sex:

Man #1:  So there I was watching the Lakers and for the first time in a week my wife wants to have sex.

Man #2: Oh my god!  What did you do?

Man #1:  Fortunately I was able to hold her off until halftime.

Man #2:  Cool!  Did you miss any of the game?

Man #1:  No, that was the beauty of the whole thing.  We were done and she had time to make me a snack too before the game was back on.

Man#2:  Oh, that’s beautiful, man.  So it was a win-win for everyone!  Way to go!

Are you following my line of thinking here?  Men – SENSITIVE.  Women, not so much.

Here’s another example that should seal the deal on the sensitivity thing:

Woman #1:  Bob hasn’t bugged me to have sex for weeks now.  I have to admit I’m kind of enjoying it.

Woman #2:  I know what you’re saying.

Here’s the men.  I’ll have to set up this scenario.  They are watching a basketball game and the team they are rooting for make a three point play with only seconds to go, putting them ahead by 5 points.  They jump to their feet and high-five each other.

Man #1:  They (meaning the opposing team) are so screwed now!

They high-five again.

So, you see the men are not only sensitive, but in this example they are also quite passionate about the screwing.  Sensitive and passionate, what a combination!

I don’t know about you but all this relationship talk has somehow put me in the mood to watch some basketball.

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Dear God,

It’s me, Adam.  I, being a man and your ultimate creation, don’t really like to complain, but I feel a need to voice my opinion.  It seems like you made Eve with a few too many flaws.  Of course I love her, but there are times when she can be just a little too grumpy.  It seems to occur at regular intervals every month.  It seems like a basic flaw in the design.  I’m pretty mechanically inclined, being a man, so if you’d like some help on fixing that I’d like to offer my services.

The next thing is, again, not complaining because you know I never do, but it seems like Eve tends to nag a little too much.  After a long day of work in the Garden of Eden I like to come home and relax.  The problem is as soon as Eve sees me sitting on my reclining chair with my feet propped up she thinks I should be doing something around the house like painting or fixing something.  Maybe, in the new design you could have the women do those kinds of chores.  I think the men of future generations will thank me for making that request.

Next up, and you know I’m not a complainer, but, Eve seems to whine an awful lot.  If she’s not happy, nobody is going to be happy.  If she doesn’t like some situation she just tends to complain and go on and on about it no matter what.  I can give her an infinite amount of solutions but she’ll just tell me how they would never work, without her ever trying them.  It can get very frustrating.

Lastly, as we know our language has not developed very far yet, since we don’t have a word to describe this next thing, I’m going to have to coin a new word to describe it.  It seem like what she frequently does should be called “bitching.”  Yeah, I don’t know why but that just feels like an accurate description of the way she tends to act.  I guess the bitching, boy I really like that word, could be summed up to include all the things I already mentioned.

Well, God, I want to thank you very much for listening.  You know I’m not complaining here, because then I’d be doing exactly what I accused Eve of doing.  As we know I’m not a bitch.  There is a word that Eve has come up with to call me, which is “Asshole” and I have to say I’m not really fond of that name.  I’m pretty sure she’s not using it a complimentary way.  Then again you didn’t make her perfect like you made me so maybe she does intend it as a compliment, who knows?  I can’t really figure women out.

I know you told me before you accidentally dropped the mold that you made me from and it broke it so you were unable to make Eve as perfect as I am.  But, then again, since you did make me so perfect maybe I could help you fix up the pattern for Eve.  It’s an idea anyway.

Well, thanks for listening God, we’ll be in touch.  Hopefully you’ll consider my offer before you make too many more models of these women.  If there were a lot of women and they were doing this bitching thing it may be tough for future men to bear.  Just in case you turn down my offer, though, I’ve been thinking of an invention that will help men in the future cope with the bitching.  It would be a thing called a “bar.”

Sincerely,

Adam

Dear Adam,

I think you should know, I’m actually a woman.

Sincerely,

God

Dear God,

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Adam

(Side note from God: “I’m neither a man or a woman but it sure was fun to yank Adam’s chain.  I think I’ll call that ‘humor’”)

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