darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some funny quotes about women and some of them are even by women.  I don’t know who said these quotes, they are all unknown:

If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

From 40 feet away she looked like a lot of class. From 15 feet away she looked like something made up to be seen from 40 feet away.

I love women. They’re the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that’s fine.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s – That’s because she changes it more often.

No man knows more about women than I do, and I know nothing.

I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.

When a woman behaves like a man, why doesn’t she behave like a nice man?

Despite my thirty years of research into the woman soul, I have not yet been able to answer the great question that has never been answered: What does a woman want?

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?

Women should have labels on their foreheads saying, ‘Government Health Warning: women can seriously damage your brains, current account, confidence, and good standing among your friends’.

What is better than wisdom? Woman. And what is better than a good woman? Nothing.

A woman knows how to keep quiet when she is in the right, whereas a man, when he is in the right, will keep on talking.

Woman is a miracle of divine contradictions.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

A woman is like a tea bag. She only knows her strength when put in hot water.

Women are an alien race set down among us.

Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good? Luckily, this is not difficult.

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

If a woman insists on being called Ms, ask her if it stands for miserable.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

There’s two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time…they’re gone.

As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.

Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilt and I’ll show you a man.

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some more classic jokes from the Hollywood Squares TV show that brought so many laughs to people in years past:

1) When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

2) If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

3) According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army!

4) Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

5) While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting “Poo! Poo! Poo!” What does that mean?
George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

6) It is the most abused and neglected part of your body – what is it?
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn’t neglected!

7) Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
Charley Weaver: A divorcée.

Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
George Gobel: Get it into his mouth.

9) Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie “What’s The Matter With Helen?” Who plays Helen?
Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver – that’s why they asked the question.

10) Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

11) When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

12) James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was “one of the best things I ever did.” What was it?
Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

13) Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
Charley Weaver: His feet.

14) Do female frogs croak?
Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some Charlie Sheen quotes.  Some are truisms, some are funny, some are funny without intending to be so and some are just… well, you know:

As kids we’re not taught how to deal with success; we’re taught how to deal with failure. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. If at first you succeed, then what?

Boom, crush. Night, losers. Winning, duh.

Dad almost died of a heart attack in the middle of making Apocalypse Now, the biggest movie of his life. It doesn’t make you want to jump into that business.

Fame is empowering. My mistake was that I thought I would instinctively know how to handle it. But there’s no manual, no training course.

For now, I’m just going to hang out with these two smoking hotties and fly privately around the world. It might be lonely up here, but I sure like the view.

From my big beautiful warlock brain, welcome to ‘Sheen’s Korner’ … You’re either in my corner, or you’re with the trolls.

Here’s the good news. If I realize that I’m insane, then I’m okay with it. I’m not dangerous insane.

I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen.

I have a different constitution. I have a different brain; I have a different heart; I got tiger blood, man.

I have to tell them that last night was a shameful train wreck filled with blind cuddly puppies.

I just didn’t believe I was like everybody else. I thought I was unique.

I just don’t want to live like I used to. And at some point, I’m going to put a gag order on myself in terms of talking about the past. I’ve got to slam the door and deal with the present and the future.

I so desperately wanted to be Mr. Somebody. Instead, I was the little brother, included to a point.

I still don’t have all the answers. I’m more interested in what I can do next than what I did last.

I think I have a duty as a recovering guy to help, to make my knowledge of what I went through accessible.

I think my passion is misinterpreted as anger sometimes. And I don’t think people are ready for the message that I’m delivering, and delivering with a sense of violent love.

I think what drove me insane for a long time is feeling like I hadn’t earned most of what I achieved because it came so fast.
I tried marriage. I’m 0 for 3 with the marriage thing. So, being a ballplayer – I believe in numbers. I’m not going 0 for 4. I’m not wearing a golden sombrero.

I try to be known more for my work than for anything else.

I’m 0 for 3 with marriage – the scoreboard doesn’t lie, never has. So what we all have is a marriage of the heart. To sully or contaminate or radically disrespect this union with a shameful contract is something that I will leave to the amateurs and the Bible grippers.

I’m tired of ignoring that I march to a different beat.

I’ve got volumes on how not to behave. I’ve got more information now than a guy should have at my age.

It’s not an act. I love it. It’s totally original. People go, ‘What’s going on with this guy? Why does he sound so weird? What is going on in his brain. I don’t know. Just one day I suddenly woke up with a new brain.

Slash sat me down at his house and said, You’ve got to clean up your act. You know you’ve gone too far when Slash is saying, Look, you’ve got to get into rehab.

That we are to stand by the President right or wrong is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public.

The only thing I’m addicted to is winning. This bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent.

The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them look like droopy-eyed armless children.

There have to be more important things going on in the world than my past.

There was a reason my first substantial role after rehab was to play a maniac whose personal story ended badly. I knew what it was like to go those dark places. I played a guy who died as a result of his abuse.

Uncertainty is a sign of humility, and humility is just the ability or the willingness to learn.

What is a normal childhood? We weren’t rich, we were pretty middle-class. My dad survived from job to job; with him taking care of so many relatives, he couldn’t save any money.

What they’re not ready for is guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom. Print that, people. See where that goes.

When friends asked me, Can we help? I’d say, Not unless you can alter time, speed up the harvest or teleport me off this rock. I used that line from Star Wars.

You have the right to kill me, but you don’t have the right to judge me. That’s life. There’s nobility in that. There’s focus. It’s genuine. It’s crystal and it’s pure and it’s available to everybody, so just shut your traps and put down your McDonalds, your vaccines, your Us Weekly, your TMZ and the rest of it.

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some funny quotes from a fictional, yet classic TV character, Archie Bunker:

The atheist religion don’t believe in the bible.

I ain’t got no respect for no religion where the head guy claims he can’t make no mistakes. Like he’s, waddya call, inflammable.

If God gets sore enough at you Edith, he could turn your jawbone into an ass.

The hookeries and massageries…the whole world is turning into a regular Sodom and Glaucamorra.

That Meathead calls me a religious phonetic.

Beat your tambourines with the Hairy Knishes.

The sexual act was never constipated.

No matter how long we’ve been together Edith, you still, as the kids say, “turn me over.”

All girls go cockeyed during pooberescency.

When a boy’s coming into poobertyhood.

A husband’s conjungal and a wife’s convivial obligation.

What you’re lookin’ at here is kind of an old fashioned guy who really believes in the sanctitity of marriage.

Most of ‘em have more hismones that hermones.

U.S. history….that’s part of your whole American heresy.

You don’t hear me gettin’ historical (hysterical).

President Ford tells us all to bite the bullet and Betsy Ford goes on TV and shoots off her mouth.

I’m readin’ in the paper where the CIA is dopin’ people up. Maybe somebody injected some of that LSD in the lady’s cottage cheese.

That’s what Columbus said to the Indians just before he gypped ‘em out of Manhattan.

Didn’t he take the exercise tax off cars?

It’s a well known histororical fact: they gave ‘em an inch of CzechosloWakia and they took Poland.

My doctor tells me I got a communications disease.

A man’s bar is his castle.

East is East and West is West, but none of us is gonna meet Mark Twain.

A woman should cleave into her husband. Right here in this house is where Edith’s cleavage belongs.

One man’s goose is another man’s dander.

Just ’cause “there’s snow in the basement don’t mean there ain’t no fire in the roof!”

I got bigger fish to fly.

Hell hath no fury like a woman’s corns.

No bum that can’t speak poifect English oughta stay in this country…oughta be de-exported the hell outta here!

Don’t talk like an ignarosis.

All kids are trouble, Edith. And I don’t wanna spend my reclining years trying to raise another one.

New York champagne…that’s a phony label. They don’t grow raisins in New York.

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some really funny jokes that were made on Twitter about Weinergate:

“BREAKING NEWS: Rep. Weiner has apologized to Paul Revere.” —Steve Martin

“Tattoo it on your chest, MEMENTO-style, Weiner: ‘The Internet is forever.”" —Patton Oswalt

“A historic day for trivial Twitter fame. Charlie Sheen has called Anthony Weiner to offer his concession.” —Arianna Huffington

“Weiner-gate is teaching me a few things..if a pic posted of my weener on web looks big: i posted it, if its small, my account was hacked.” —David Spade

“Just my luck! On the same day I find out it’s bad to tweet dirty pictures, FedEx shows up w/ all that penis make-up I ordered!” —Andy Richter

“BREAKING: Rep. Anthony Weiner admits the Twitter pics are his. He also said, ‘When I took the pics it was really really cold.” —Justin Stangel

“Tough to know what Weiner was really thinking during his press conference because he was standing behind a podium.” —Andy Borowitz

“Well, our long, national nut-mare is over.” —Steven Weber

“Now that we have certitude of what Weiner’s wang looks like, let’s use it to raise the debt ceiling!” —Jason Linkins

“STEVE MARTIN IS REALLY OILED AND BUFF. OMG, my Twitter account was just hacked.” —Steve Martin

“I guess this is what happens when Bill Clinton presides at your wedding.” —Sara Benincasa

“Remember when the only people who saw a politician’s penis were hookers and interns?” —Jason Mustian

“Maybe Weiner and his wife have an open genital-tweeting marriage.” —Mileskahn

“Americans will remember where they were, what they were doing, and what color underwear they were wearing when today’s news broke.” —Arianna Huffington

“Somewhere James Carville is thankful that Bill Clinton didnt have a cellphone with a camera back in the 90s.” —PatGarofalo

“Too bad Boehner won’t stand up for Weiner.” —JasonIsbell

“Which would make a better theme song for weiner: You Can’t Touch This or Pants on the Ground?” —elraei

“Schwartzenegger, Weiner, DSK and John Edwards walk in a bar. There were no survivors.” —iowahawkblog

“I hope that instead of retiring Weiner just reads a list of jokes. ‘This is hard.’ ‘Yes: I am pulling out.’ ‘We faced stiff challenges.’” —bengreenman

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some really funny quotes from the world of sports:

“I’m blessed to have great friends, and there are a lot of men in my life who’ve been more than just friends.”– Jim Nantz, April 2005 “Golf Digest”

“I had an awful first quarter but I picked it up. To all you single guys out there, it’s not how you start the date, it’s how you finish the date.”– Shaquille O’Neal

“I eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich before every game. Whoever invented that was smart. That’s got to be one of the best sandwiches ever.”– Bulls rookie Ben Gordon

“It’s cold, it’s hard and I wanna feel it.”– Ron Jaworski while describing a football in cold weather

“It’s been kind of hard, I’m labeled as a jerk right now, you know what I mean? But I love it. I’ve been a jerk all my life. My momma loves this jerk. My kids love this jerk. I’m going to be a jerk in a good way, though. I’m going to be a jerk to the other teams and just go out there and play basketball. I can do that.”– Stephen Jackson

“Just picture your favorite guy and put it right through the hole.”– Drew Brees after winning a skills competition

“I’m tellin’ ya man, to be able to stroke it like that must be some kind of feeling.”– Dick Vitale on J.J. Redick’s shooting ability

“There’s Fredo, there’s Sonny and there’s Michael. The Godfather handed it over to Michael. I have no problem handing it over to Dwyane.”– Shaquille O’Neal on comparing Penny Hardaway to Kobe Bryant and Dwyane Wade

Remember, it doesn’t matter whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. Darrin Weinberg

Some people think football is a matter of life and death…I can assure them it is much more serious than that. – Bill Shankly

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. – Emo Philips

Serious sport is war minus the shooting. – George Orwell

There are two theories on hitting the knuckleball. Unfortunately, neither of them works. – Charlie Lau

Baseball is almost the only orderly thing in a very un-orderly world. If you get three strikes, even the best lawyer in the world can’t get you off. – Bill Veeck

Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple. – Barry Switzer

If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they’d starve to death.- Sam Snead

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some funny quotes from and about the world of sports:

I thought lacrosse was what you find in la church.
~ Robin Williams, 1982 ~

I always turn to the sports pages first, which records people’s accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man’s failures.
~ Earl Warren ~

Olympism is the marriage of sport and culture.
~ Juan Antonio Samaranch ~

Wrestling is ballet with violence.
~ Jesse Ventura ~

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
~ Source Unknown ~

This is a really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.
~ Ted Walsh ~

If at first you don’t succeed … So much for skydiving.
~ Henry Youngman ~

Whenever I feel like exercising I lie down until the feeling passes!
~ Robert M. Hutchins ~

Doug Sanders, professional golfer

I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the

same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be

perfect.

Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers pitcher

All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives “See, there’s a fat guy

doing okay. Bring me another beer.”

Harry Neale, professional hockey coach

Last year we couldn’t win at home, and we were losing on the road. My

failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play.

Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver

When it’s third and ten, you can take the milk drinkers. I’ll take the

whiskey drinkers every time.

Tommy LaSorda, LA Dodgers manager

I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of

the people who hear them don’t care, and the other twenty percent are glad

you’re having trouble.

E. J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations

My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some very funny quotes about the sports of both golf and tennis:

Funny Golf Quotes

I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.
~ Will Rogers ~

I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.
~ Gerald R. Ford ~

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
~ Jack Benny ~

Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club, don’t you?
~ Ben Hogan ~

I don’t want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it.
~ Rogers Hornsby ~

If you drink don’t drive. Don’t even putt.
~ Dean Martin ~

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
~ Lee Trevino ~

I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.
~ Greg Norman ~

I’ll let the racket do the talking.

~ John McEnroe ~

New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there. Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
~ Jimmy Carter ~

When I was 40, my doctor advised me that a man in his 40s shouldn’t play tennis. I heeded his advice carefully and could hardly wait until I reached 50 to start again.
~ Hugo Black ~

Monica Seles – I’d hate to be next door to her on her wedding night.
~ Peter Ustinov ( because she grunted everytime she hit the ball)~

Michael Chang has all the fire and passion of a public service announcement, so much so that he makes Pete Sampras appear fascinating.
~ Alex Ramsey ~

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some really funny political quotes from the “Simpsons” TV show that have occurred over the years:

In the Simpsons episode ”The Day the Earth Was Stupid,” a spoof of ”The War of the Worlds,” two aliens talk to each other after launching an invasion and occupation of Springfield and the rest of the planet:

”The Earthlings continue to resent our presence,” one alien says. ”You said we’d be greeted as liberators!”

”Don’t worry, we still have the people’s hearts and minds,” the other alien replies, holding up a heart and a brain.

”An election!? That’s one of those deals where they close the bars isn’t it?”

—Barney Gumbel

”Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don’t have to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn’t they?”

—Homer Simpson

”I will not buy a presidential pardon.

—Bart Simpson chalkboard gag, which was a reference to the controversy surrounding the last-minute pardons issued by President Bill Clinton on his last day in office

”The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with ‘hail Satan.”’

—Bart Simpson chalkboard gag

Krusty the Clown, announcing his candidacy for Congress: ”Gentlemen, I am your candidate. There’s just one thing. Are you guys any good at covering up youthful, middle aged indiscretions?”

Mr. Burns: ”Are these indiscretions romantic, financial or treasonous?”

Krusty: ”Russian hooker, you tell me.”

Burns: ”We’ll say you were on a fact finding mission.”

”I will not plant subliminAL messaGOREs.”

—Bart Simpson chalkboard gag. This endorsement of Al Gore just prior to the 2000 election made reference to the ‘’subliminal message” claim during the campaign, in which the word ”RAT” briefly appeared in a GOP commercial while Democrats were being mentioned

Todd Flanders: ”Daddy, what do taxes pay for?”

Ned Flanders: ”Oh, why, everything! Policemen, trees, sunshine! And let’s not forget the folks who just don’t feel like working, God bless ‘em!”

Bart Simpson: ”Didn’t you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?”

Grampa Simpson: ”I figured because the democrats were in power again.”

”Ooh! A political discussion at our table. I feel like a Kennedy!”

—Lisa Simpson

”I will not scare the vice president.”

—Bart Simpson chalkboard gag, which was a reference to Vice President Dick Cheney’s heart condition

”No one cares what the definition of ‘is’ is.”

—Bart Simpson chalkboard gag, which was a reference to Bill Clinton’s famous quote during the Monica Lewinsky scandal

Grampa: ”Dear Mr. President, there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot.”

”The president did it is not an excuse.”

—Bart Simpson chalkboard gag, which aired a day after Bill Clinton was impeached

”Lisa, if you don’t like your job, you don’t strike: you just go in every day and do it really half assed. That’s the American way.”

—Homer Simpson

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some funny Joe Biden quotes, not that he meant them to be funny, he is not able to help himself:

“[David] Axelrod really wanted me to do this on teleprompter — but I told him I’m much better when I wing it. I know these evenings run long, so I’m going to be brief. Talk about the audacity of hope. President Obama does send his greetings, though. He can’t be here tonight — because he’s busy getting ready for Easter. He thinks it’s about him.” –Joe Biden, at the 2009 Gridiron dinner

“Look, John’s last-minute economic plan does nothing to tackle the number-one job facing the middle class, and it happens to be, as Barack says, a three-letter word: jobs. J-O-B-S, jobs.” –Joe Biden

“A man I’m proud to call my friend. A man who will be the next President of the United States — Barack America!” –Joe Biden, at his first campaign rally with Barack Obama

“If your kitchen table is like mine, you sit there at night before you put the kids to bed and you talk about what you need. You talk about how much you are worried about being able to pay the bills. Ladies and gentlemen, that is not a worry John McCain has to worry about. It’s a pretty hard experience. He’ll have to figure out which of the seven kitchen tables to sit at.” –Joe Biden

“There’s only three things he mentions in a sentence — a noun, a verb, and 9/11.” –Joe Biden, on Rudy Giuliani

“I should start with an apology to Rudy Giuliani. I said every sentence Rudy utters has a noun, a verb, and 9/11 in it. I was wrong. He called me to tell me after Pat Robertson’s endorsement, there’s an Amen in every sentence he says too.” –Joe Biden

“Yes.” –Joe Biden, giving a one-word answer during a Democratic debate to NBC Anchor Brian Wiliams, who cited criticism of Biden’s “uncontrolled verbosity” and tendency to be a “gaffe machine” in asking whether he would “have the discipline you would need on the world stage”

“I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that’s a storybook, man.” –Joe Biden on Barack Obama

“I got tested for AIDS. I know Barack got tested for AIDS. There’s no shame in being tested for AIDS. It’s an important thing.”

“You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent…. I’m not joking.” –Joe Biden

darnfunnyonline.com