Home Owner: I mean Pottersville. Don’t you think I know where I live? What’s the matter with you?
[He proceeds toward his house. George is completely bewildered]
George Bailey: Oh, I don’t know. Either I’m off my nut, or he is…
[to Clarence]
George Bailey: … or you are!
Clarence: It isn’t me!

Christmas makes me happy no matter what time of year it comes around. -Bryan White

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. -George Carlin

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. -Dave Barry

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. -Johnny Carson

Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip. –Gary Allan

Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log. –Ellen DeGeneres

That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. –Jerry Seinfeld

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. –Bernard Manning

Handmade presents are scary because they reveal that you have too much free time. –Doug Coupland

There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas. –Robert Lynd

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. –Shirley Temple

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. –Phyllis Diller

If you haven’t got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. –Bob Hope

Santa Claus has the right idea – visit people only once a year. –Victor Borge

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin. –Jay Leno

Our children await Christmas presents like politicians getting in election returns: there’s the Uncle Fred precinct and the Aunt Ruth district still to come in. –Marcelene Cox

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays. –Henny Youngman

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. –Garrison Keillor

I love giving gifts and I love receiving them. I really like giving little kids extravagant gifts. You see their little faces light up and they get excited. If it’s a really good gift, I love receiving it, like jewels, small islands. –Gina Gershon

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. -Erma Bombeck

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The best things in life are silly.

The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.

The only risk of failure is promotion.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

There’s nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot.

We must develop knowledge optimization initiatives to leverage our key learnings.

You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.

You don’t have to be a “person of influence” to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they’ve taught me.

Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information.

Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company.

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.

Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure.

I get mail; therefore I am.

I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination.

If a job’s worth doing, it’s too hard.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it’s done.

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn’t have to ride around with jerks.

Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results.

Let’s form proactive synergy restructuring teams.

Most success springs from an obstacle or failure. I became a cartoonist largely because I failed in my goal of becoming a successful executive.

Normal people… believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.

Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.

One way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be dead.

Remember there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.

Remind people that profit is the difference between revenue and expense. This makes you look smart.

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In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless lawyer is a
shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.
 -- John Adams

If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the
newspaper you are misinformed.
-- Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But
then I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like
a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-- Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the
support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt
he proposes to pay off with your money.
-- G. Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on
what to have for dinner.
-- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in
rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys
to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to
live at the expense of everybody else.
-- Frederic Bastiat, French economist (1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short
phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it
stops moving, subsidize it.
-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-- Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it
costs when it's free!
-- P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as
possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-- Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean
politics won't take an interest in you!
-- Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in
session.
-- Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-- Anonymous

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite
at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-- Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.
The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-- Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the
taxidermist leaves the skin.
-- Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to
fill the world with fools.
-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.
-- Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong
enough to take everything you have.
-- Thomas Jefferson

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
-- Aesop
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If Harry Potter’s so magical, why can’t he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldn’t need a broomstick to cling onto.
Frankie Boyle

I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.
Yogi Berra

I like talking to a brick wall, it’s the only thing in the world that never contradicts me.
Oscar Wilde- Lady Windermere’s Fan

I saw the movie, ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’ and I was surprised because I didn’t see any tigers or dragons. And then I realised why: they’re crouching and hidden.
Steve Martin

It’s a scientific fact. For every year a person lives in Hollywood, they lose two points of their IQ.
Truman Capote

Bond: That looks like a woman’s gun.
Largo: Do you know a lot about guns, Mr. Bond?
Bond: No, I know a little about women.

Bond: You’re not my type.
Girl: Why, cause I have half a brain?
Bond: No, cause you’re single.
Casino Royal

Lois: How would you like me to make your life a living hell?
Ace Ventura: Well, I’m not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I’ll give you a call sometime. Your number’s still 911? All righty then.
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

Little Girl: …and then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork, and the stork flew down from heaven, and put the diamond in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby!
Pugsley: Our parents are having a baby too.
Wednesday: They had sex.
Addams Family Values

The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Sex is like bridge: If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
Charles Pierce

I was the first woman to burn my bra – it took the fire department four days to put it out.
Dolly Parton

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.
Dolly Parton

As long as people are still having premarital sex with many anonymous partners while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence free environment, I’ll be sound as a pound!
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

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“At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.”
Salvador Dali

“Have no fear of perfection–you’ll never reach it.”
Salvador Dali
“Drinking Coke is like getting your period, it just happens.”
Neve Campbell in I really hate my job

“We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.”
George Bernard Shaw

“I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments.”
Jim Morrison

“A man in the house is worth two in the street.”
Mae West

“Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
Anonymous

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.
Woody Allen

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better… while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody Allen

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
Woody Allen

“Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade since it consists principally of dealing with men.”
Joseph Conrad

Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
Anonymous

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.
Lenny Bruce

Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.
Anonymous

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Anonymous

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
Einstein

“The most incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is comprehensible.”
Einstein

“Everything government touches turns to crap.” Ringo Star

Interviewer “Are you a mod or a rocker?”
Ringo “I’m a mocker”
Ringo Star

“I don’t like jail, they got the wrong kind of bars in there”
Charles Bukowski

I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof] I could make love for eight hours. What I didn’t say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie.
Sting

Neil: [Reading his letter to the bank manager] Darling fascist bully-boy… Give me some more money… You bastard… May the seed of your loins be fruitful in the belly of your woman… Neil.
The Young Ones

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.
Homer Simpson

Sex is the most beautiful thing that can take place between a happily married man and his secretary.
Barry Humphries

Michael Scott: Ladies and gentleman, I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car.
Oscar: Where?
Michael Scott: It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best they could. And she is going to be ok.
Stanley: What is wrong with you? Why would you have to phrase is like that?
The office

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Funny Life Quotes by Artists

I enjoy life. I think I’ll enjoy death even more.
Cat Stevens

Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts.
Jim Morrison

Before I was shot, I always thought that I was more half-there than all-there – I always suspected that I was watching TV instead of living life. Right when I was being shot and ever since, I knew that I was watching television.
Andy Warhol

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
Will Rogers

Funny Life Quotes in TV

“I could have drank myself into a really great Life.”
Patricia Arquette- Medium

We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
Jeff Marder

…And In Movies

My momma always said, “Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”
Forrest Gump

It’s not how long it takes, it’s who’s taking you.
Marilyn Monroe

“Look at life through the windshield, not the rear-view mirror”
Byrd Baggett

“Don’t worry about life, you’re not going to survive it anyway.”

When you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.
Jean Harlow

Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else.
Judy Garland

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You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon’.
Chris Rock

“The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.”
Oscar Wilde

“Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes.”
Oscar Wilde

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
Groucho Marx

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Woody Allen

“I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.”
Woody Allen

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.
Woody Allen

Life is something to do when you can’t get to sleep.
Fran Lebowitz

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.
Mark Twain

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If you make an ass out of yourself, there will always be someone to ride you
Bruce Lee

“If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.”
Einstein

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
Oscar Wilde

I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.
Dolly Parton

I modeled my looks on the town tramp.
Dolly Parton

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin

“Some people never go crazy, What truly horrible lives they must live”
Charles Bukowski

“It’s possible to love a human being if you don’t know them too well.”
Charles Bukowski

I’ll beat him so bad he’ll need a shoehorn to put his hat on.
Muhammad Ali

If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you.
Muhammad Ali

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
Muhammad Ali

My toughest fight was with my first wife.
Muhammad Ali

Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.
Dave Letterman

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library.
When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
Rodney Dangerfield

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
Tim Allen

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!
Drew Carey

A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.
Steve Martin

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Anonymous

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Anonymous

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Anonymous

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“To make honey. Young bee need young flower…Not old prune. ”
Karate Kid

“I don’t know if my wife left me because of my drinking or I started drinking ’cause my wife left me.”
Leaving Las Vegas

“That’s nice talk, Ben – keep drinking. Between the 101-proof breath and the occasional bits of drool, some interesting words come out.”
Leaving Las Vegas

“My job requires mostly masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men’s room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that less closely resembles Hell.”
American Beauty

“Hey, don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.”
Annie Hall

“I love the smell of napalm in the morning.”
Apocalypse Now

“I may be bad…but I feel gooood.”
Army of Darkness

“When you first entered the restaurant, I thought you were handsome… and then, of course, you spoke.’
As Good As It Gets

“When I ask for sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads, I expect sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads!”
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

“Do you think if we changed the Bible stories maybe you would get people more easily to relate to them? Instead of the fish story you could do it about Sushi, or instead of giving out bread you did something which had a no-carb alternative or gluten free.”
Bruno

“When a man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher’s knife and a hard-on, I figure he isn’t out collecting for the Red Cross!”
Dirty Harry

“What an excellent day for an exorcism.”
The Exorcist

Bond: You’re not my type.
Girl: Why, cause I have half a brain?
Bond: No, cause you’re single.
James Bond-Casino Royal

“I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.”
Manhattan

“He’s not the messiah. He’s a very naughty Boy.”
Monty Python-Life of brian

“I never listen to you when you’re being morbid.”
A Streetcar Named Desire

“What are you going to do for an encore? Walk on water?”
The Wedding Crashers

“How bout I answer your question with another question; how many abo-digitals do you see modelling?”
Zoolander

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