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Here are some jokes from two classic comedians, Jack Benny and George Burns, who were also good friends so it appropriate to post their jokes together:

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
Jack Benny

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
Jack Benny

Hors D’oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
Jack Benny

I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.
Jack Benny

I don’t want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
Jack Benny

Modesty is my best quality.
Jack Benny

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
Jack Benny

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that’s down can come up.
George Burns

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
George Burns

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman – or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
George Burns

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
George Burns

I can’t afford to die; I’d lose too much money.
George Burns

I don’t believe in dying. It’s been done. I’m working on a new exit. Besides, I can’t die now – I’m booked.
George Burns

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To tell the truth I had never heard of this guy and he has been dead for 25 years.  He was a writer and comedian.  Some of the quotes are funny and some of them are just truisms worth reading.  Enjoy:

A good farmer is nothing more nor less than a handy man with a sense of humus.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.

Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.
I can only assume that your editorial writer tripped over the First Amendment and thought it was the office cat.

It is easier for a man to be loyal to his club than to his planet; the bylaws are shorter, and he is personally acquainted with the other members.
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.

The time not to become a father is eighteen years before a war.

There is nothing more likely to start disagreement among people or countries than an agreement.

Whatever else an American believes or disbelieves about himself, he is absolutely sure he has a sense of humor.

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Here are some jokes from the classic comedian, Henny Youngman:

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put ‘page 2.’

I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she’d kill me. She thinks I’m selling dope.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?

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Here are some more jokes from Chris Rock, (I had posted some on Monday) a very funny guy:

You don’t pay taxes. They take taxes.

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

A black C student can’t do shit with his life. A black C student can’t be a manager at Burger King, meanwhile a white C student just happens to be the President of the United States.

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

Have you been watching American Idol? They have Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul judgin’ the singin. Paula Abdul?! Gettin’ Paula Abdul to judge a singin’ contest is like gettin’ Christopher Reeve to judge a dance contest!

You won’t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.

I don’t get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there’s no rehab for stupidity.

That s**t wasn’t about race. That s**t was about fame. If O.J. wasn’t famous he’d be in jail right now. If O.J. drove a bus, he wouldn’t even be O.J. He’d be Orenthal the bus driving murderer.

If a woman tells you she’s 20 and looks 16, she’s 12. If she tells you she’s 26 and looks 26, she’s damn near 40.

Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn’t even the star of his own Halloween special.

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Yeah, I love being famous. It’s almost like being white, y’know?

Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don’t want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I’m talking about. Every club you go into, there’s always some old guy. He ain’t really old, just a little too old to be in the club.

Men want three things in life. Food, sex, and silence. So feed me, f**k me and shut the f**k up!

They don’t want you to vote. If they did, we wouldn’t vote on a Tuesday. In November. You ever throw a party on a Tuesday? No. Because nobody would come.

The only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they’re not mad they lost. Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won an Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance. I was like, “If you’d done that in the movie, you’d have won an Oscar, girl!”

You know the worst thing about n****rs? N****rs always want credit for some s**t they supposed to do. A n****r will brag about some s**t a normal man just does. A n****r will say some s**t like, “I take care of my kids.” You’re supposed to, you dumb motherf**ker! What kind of ignorant s**t is that?! “I ain’t never been to jail!” What do you want, a cookie?! You’re not supposed to go to jail, you low-expectation-having motherf**ker!

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Here are funny quotes from cartoonist, Scott Adams, the creator of the comic strip, “Dilbert”, which lampoons the corporate world:

Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information.

Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company.

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.

I get mail; therefore I am.

I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it’s done.

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn’t have to ride around with jerks.

Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results.

Most success springs from an obstacle or failure. I became a cartoonist largely because I failed in my goal of becoming a successful executive.

Normal people… believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.

One way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be dead.

Remember there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.

Remind people that profit is the difference between revenue and expense. This makes you look smart.

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I’ve had Rodney Dangerfield jokes on the site before but he has so many to draw from so here are some more:

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

My cousin is gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

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Today we have jokes from 2 different comedians, A. Whitney Brown, a Saturday Night Live alumnus, and Lenny Bruce, a classic innovator in the comedy world.

A group of white South Africans recently killed a black lawyer because he was black. That was wrong. They should have killed him because he was a lawyer.
A. Whitney Brown

I am as frustrated with society as a pyromaniac in a petrified forest.
A. Whitney Brown

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
A. Whitney Brown

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
A. Whitney Brown

I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I’m going to be if I grow up.
Lenny Bruce

The liberals can understand everything but people who don’t understand them.
Lenny Bruce

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
Lenny Bruce

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can’t fake it… try to fake three laughs in an hour – ha ha ha ha ha – they’ll take you away, man. You can’t.
Lenny Bruce

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.
Lenny Bruce

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.
Lenny Bruce

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Here are some quotes from Steve Allen, who was an extremely quick witted comedian and entertainer as well as the founder and original host of the Tonight Show:

Asthma doesn’t seem to bother me any more unless I’m around cigars or dogs. The thing that would bother me most would be a dog smoking a cigar.

Dark energy is perhaps the biggest mystery in physics.

Humor is a social lubricant that helps us get over some of the bad spots.

I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That’s how I lost my mind.

If the Old Testament were a reliable guide in the matter of capital punishment, half the people in the United States would have to be killed tomorrow.

If there is a God, the phrase that must disgust him is – holy war.

In a rational society we would want our presidents to be teachers. In our actual society we insist they be cheerleaders.

One of the nice things about problems is that a good many of them do not exist except in our imaginations.

Ours is a government of checks and balances. The Mafia and crooked businessmen make out checks, and the politicians and other compromised officials improve their bank balances.

The hair is real – it’s the head that’s a fake.

Totalitarianism is patriotism institutionalized.

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A while ago I posted some Woody Allen quotes and here are some more:

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said ‘No.’

I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I’ve never been an intellectual but I have this look.

If my films don’t show a profit, I know I’m doing something right.

If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

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December is all about the holidays so here are some funny Christmas quotes:

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.  – Phyllis Diller

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The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin. – Jay Leno

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Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts. – Unknown

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Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet. – Unknown

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I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. – Shirley Temple

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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven. – W.C. Fields

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Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. – Johnny Carson

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The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. – Johnny Carson

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Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit. – Kin Hubbard

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discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money? – Tom Armstrong

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