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Here are David Letterman’s Top Ten Lists from last week:

Friday, April 27, 2012
Top Ten Pieces Of Advice For Young Athletes

10.It helps to be 6′5″, 240 pounds

9.Accentuate brown eyes by playing for a team with green uniforms

8.Trash talking is part of the game, but always follow up the next day with an apology note

7.After playing on the grass, be sure to check for ticks

6.Get out now – there’s very little money in sports

5.Tebow already has God – try thanking Ryan Seacrest

4.Study hard, practice, and spend hours and hours playing “Madden 13″

3.Keep your head on a swivel, take one game at a time, and other crap like that

2.Don’t waste your money on fast cars and fast living – Invest in tattoos

1.Talk to friends, family and clergy about which Kardashian is right for you

Thursday, April 26, 2012
Top Ten Lesser-Known Animal Ailments

10.Restless tentacle syndrome

9.Limp gizzard

8.Kibble intolerance

7.Goat gout

6.Irritable owl syndrome

5.Angry birds

4.Hoarse crabs

3.Horse crabs

2.Labored meowing

1.Sprained blowhole

Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Top Ten Signs Your Boss Is A Jerk

10.Begins each day by leading a pledge of allegiance to Kim Jong-Un

9.Always asking himself, “What would Donald Trump do?”

8.Whenever you make a fresh pot of coffee, she dumps it in your lap

7.Gets upset about not getting to introduce his understudy

6.Casually walks around the office saying, “I make more than you — I make more than you”

5.You donate a kidney to her, and she’s complaining that it’s used

4.In case of fire, you’re told to stay inside and answer the phones

3.His desk is decorated with photos of your wife

2.He looks like this guy (cut to Dave)

1.Always nags you to guard the President instead of sleeping with hookers

Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Top Ten Programs On Dog TV

10.”Neuter, She Wrote”

9.”Doogie Schnauzer, M.D.”

8.”America’s Got Heartworm”

7.”How I Met Your Breeder”

6.”Bones”

5.”The King Charles Spaniel Of Queens”

4.”Keeping Up With The Pomeranians”

3.”Who’s A Good Boy?” starring Nathan Lane

2.”Two Broke Bitches”

1.”Shih Tzu My Dad Says”

Monday, April 23, 2012
Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Philip Humber’s Mind During His Perfect Game

10.”Don’t jinx it by thinking about it, don’t jinx it by thinking about it — I’m thinking about it”

9.”Thank goodness for my catcher AJ Pierzanky…Piernoftski…Piezonski…whatever”

8.”Go sit in the truck!”

7.”Thank goodness I drafted myself for my fantasy team”

6.”The only thing better than pitching a perfect game is making a perfect meatloaf every time with my new Perfect Meatlof Pan”

5.”Can Broadway’s ‘End Of The Rainbow’ really be like seeing Judy Garland in person?”

4.”Grab some pine, ducklips!”

3.”I see the Red Sox are up 9-0 on the Yanks — that’s an easy win”

2.”I wish I could get me one of those dancing horses”

1.”Humber? How about Humbest!”

Here are some jokes by stand up comedian Cory Kahaney.  She is a frequent performer on Comedy Central:

I married a lawyer, which I know sounds very impressive. Every girl dreams, when they grow up, they’re gonna marry a doctor, marry a lawyer. But me, I had to marry the only lawyer in America with a conscience. I didn’t marry the cutthroat, ruthless, gimme-all-your-money lawyer. No, I married the pay-me-what-you-can-whenever-you-can-I-just-want-to-see-justice-served lawyer. I got so ripped off, ladies and gentlemen. Do you know what it’s like? It’s like I finally banged a rock star, but he’s with a Christian band.

This is my second marriage, and I have a kid from my first marriage ’cause I like souvenirs.

I have a gay sister, which has been great for me ’cause my parents have now forgiven me everything. At this point, if I brought home a dwarf with a mohawk, six tattoos and a nose ring, as long as he has a penis, he can stay for dinner.

Why do we need 24 handicapped parking spaces at Home Depot? Could we just talk about this? If a guy can spackle his bathroom, lay pipe and put up gutters, don’t you think you can walk the extra 30 feet to the parking lot?

In some ways, all men are the same. For example, why do you all like to have sex first thing in the morning? Do we smell good first thing in the morning? ‘Cause you don’t.

I don’t really think anybody gets off properly in 69. Matter of fact, I think 69 is rude. It’s rude. It’s like saying to someone, ‘Listen, we’re gonna have sex, right? But we’re gonna go Dutch.’

I know where my daughter is every night. She’s with her friends. They come to my house, they go in her room, they close the door, and they light incense. I don’t know what’s going on in there — like, I think there’s a Zen Buddhist meeting in my apartment.

Halloween is pay day, folks. A lot of parents are strange; they say, ‘Ration the candy.’ I say, ‘Let them eat as much as they want — they throw up, the rest is mine.’ That’s how I handle Halloween.

I met a guy in a bar, which is generally not a good idea. That’s like going grocery shopping when you’re hungry and you bring home stuff that you don’t need.

I’m watching TV with my father late at night ’cause he doesn’t sleep. And you know that commercial for ‘Save the Children’? The one that comes on really late, where the lady goes, ‘For the price of a cup of coffee, 67 cents a day’? My father and I are both sitting there, thinking the exact same thing: ‘Where can you get coffee for 67 cents?!’

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It is time for another version of “It could be worse,” (which translates to I didn’t have time to write any real jokes) where we look at how things could always be a whole lot worse than they actually seem.

It could be worse:

You could be a Secret Service agent and find out that what you are doing with prostitutes is not so secret and, actually, not very servicing either.

It could be Earth Day every day, which would remind us all of Al Gore on a continuous basis.

You could be a man and have read the story that scientists say that by 2050 robots will replace hookers and then you think, “Gee, my wife is ahead of her time.  She is already like a robot in bed.”

Or you could be a woman and think the same thing about your husband.

You could be the transgendered man who gave birth to three kids and separated from his wife…Wow! Enough said on that one already.

You could be Jack Nicholson on your 75^th birthday and “not be able to handle the truth” that you are 75 years old.

You could be former Senator, John Edwards, who goes on trial this week for allegedly using illegal campaign contributions and if you are convicted it’s quite possible you will have insufficient hair care products in jail to satisfy your needs.

You could be the overweight cat in New Mexico that is comparable to a 600 pound human and develop a complex because all the neighborhood mice are mocking you.

You could be the fisherman who accidentally caught a 2,000 pound shark off the coast of Mexico and realize that’s what it’s like all the time for people who deal with lawyers.

You could be North Korea after their failed nuclear bomb test and be afraid that the U.S. is going to send a bomb of their own your way by sending a copy of the movie “John Carter” to all the theaters in North Korea.

You could be Newt Gingrich, who was bitten by a penguin at the St. Louis Zoo because it thought you were a hippopotamus trying to attack.

You could be President Obama and think that the congressional and judicial branches of the government should be cancelled…(That’s not a joke at all, just something that needed to be said.)

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Here are some jokes by comedian, Amy Schumer, who has been seen frequently on comedy Central and other TV shows:

I’m so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he’s always turning the lights on, you know what I’m saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he’s like, ‘Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.’ I was like, ‘Oh my god, you’re so cute. You think I don’t want you to see me?’

I’ll never forget how my best friend told us she was pregnant. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, ‘You guys, I’m keeping this one.’

I just went through a break up, actually. I’m not worried about meeting someone else or being lonely. I’m just worried about all the pictures. But my mom always told me, you know, ever since I was a little girl, ‘Never put your face in them.’

My mom’s always saying really smart things… like, you probably heard this one, ‘Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?’ Wish I’d listened to that one.

I hate false advertising, like ‘Skittles: taste the rainbow.’ No one’s ever been like, ‘Rainbow, right you guys?’ Or what’s Reese’s? ‘There’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s.’ Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear.

I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea — he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, ‘He’s probably in a band.’

There’s nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her — because the kid can tell.

Out of nowhere she tells me that Oliver Stone — you know, the director — she’s like, ‘He has this huge Asian fetish, and I find it totally offensive.’ And I’m like, ‘Why, Kwan? That sounds awesome.’ She’s like, ‘I’m offended because I’m Asian.’ And I was just like, ‘Well, I’m sorry, but I didn’t even notice that. I thought you were just really tired.’

The kids didn’t call me Amy Schumer; they called me Amy Jewmer. One summer, I’ll never forget this, all the kids took turns throwing handfuls of pennies at me. I know, I was like, ‘Excuse me — this is awesome!’

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel:

President Obama is gearing up for his presidential campaign. He’s creating a new series of ads. The first ad boasts “just last week my Secret Service created jobs for 11 Colombian women. –Conan O’Brien

The Secret Service prostitution scandal has gotten worse because apparently agents were also snorting cocaine. However, in the agents’ defense, the Colombian hotels offer cocaine in the mini bar. –Conan O’Brien

Conservatives are now criticizing President Obama because as a child in Indonesia he sometimes ate dog meat. But on the plus side, Obama is now polling very well among cats. –Conan O’Brien

The Megamillions story is getting interested. The married couple in their 60s who won the Megamillions lottery says they giggled about it for hours, and by giggle they mean nervously plotted to murder each other. –Conan O’Brien

Justin Timberlake announced he is unveiling his own line of home decor things. I haven’t been this excited since Hooters announced they were lifting my lifetime ban. –Craig Ferguson

Apparently only “employees” are allowed to wear those tiny orange shorts. –Craig Ferguson

Justin didn’t design the furniture, nor did he build it. Other than that, it’s all his. He’s seen it. Maybe. –Craig Ferguson

President Obama, in his memoir, talked about his childhood in Indonesia living with his stepfather. He said when he was 8 years old, his stepfather introduced him to a number of unusual meats, including dog. Our president ate dog. Not only that, according to the book, he also ate snake. And his mother was looking for tiger. He was eating through Noah’s Ark. -Jimmy Kimmel

But the dog thing — maybe that is where the floppy ears come from. . -Jimmy Kimmel

This is not something that someone dug up on him. This was in a book the president wrote himself. How did we miss this? If Ryan Seacrest wrote a book and said he ate dog, we would know about it. . -Jimmy Kimmel

The deadline to file your tax returns was last night at midnight. If you forget, don’t worry. The IRS never checks. . -Jimmy Kimmel

During a campaign event, Newt Gingrich was bitten by a penguin. It was feeding time and Newt and the penguin were fighting over pieces of squid. –Conan O’Brien

There is a record number of Americans now who owe so much in back taxes that they are renouncing your U.S. citizenship. These Americans were offered a place in Nicholas Cage-istan. –Conan O’Brien

In London there’s a new service that delivers the morning-after pill to your home by bicycle messenger. And to make sure you don’t regret your decision, the pills will be delivered by a kid who is an obnoxious jerk. –Conan O’Brien

If nobody paid taxes, imagine what the country would be like. America would be flat broke. All right, we’d be more flat broke. –Craig Ferguson

This year the government will spend a trillion dollars more than it will take in. Experts say 32 percent of our taxes go to defense. And the rest buys hookers for the Secret Service. –Craig Ferguson

According to his tax return, President Obama made $800,000 last year. In fact, the president made so much money that today he endorsed Mitt Romney for president. –Craig Ferguson

In case you’re wondering where your tax dollars go, 21 percent goes to Medicare and Medicaid, 20 percent to social security, 20 percent to defense spending, and the other 39 percent they squander. -Jimmy Kimmel

I don’t mind paying taxes. But what I don’t get: When we send in our return, why do we have to put stamps on the envelope? Can’t they give us a pass on that? -Jimmy Kimmel

The IRS is very into social media now. They have five different Twitter accounts. And while you may not be following them, they are definitely following you. -Jimmy Kimmel

The IRS also has four Facebook pages and zero friends on all of those. -Jimmy Kimmel

Mitt Romney has already begun the process of choosing a running mate. Romney wants someone with a different ethnicity who appeals to women, so his first choice is President Obama. –Conan O’Brien

The 116th Boston Marathon was won by a woman from Kenya and a man from Kenya. It was a very exciting race. Both winners narrowly edged out someone from Kenya. –Conan O’Brien

A British historical society declared that Britain’s greatest foe of all time was George Washington, our George Washington. Coming in second place was Adolf Hitler and third place went to Madonna’s accent. –Conan O’Brien

Somebody stole five vintage guitars from Tom Petty right before his concert tour. If the criminals are caught, they ought to be charged with a misdemeanor because it’s a “petty” theft. –Craig Ferguson

An 83-year-old woman from England is calling herself the world’s oldest supermodel. I’m just going to keep calling her by her real name, Madonna. –Craig Ferguson

President Obama talked about the Secret Service prostitution scandal, saying he’s reserving judgment until all the facts are in, or at least until he figures out a way to blame this on Mitt Romney. –Craig Ferguson

Congratulations are in order for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, who just got engaged. You know what, I knew there was something going on between those two. -Jimmy Kimmel

At the St. Louis Zoo, Newt Gingrich got too close to one of the animals and was bit on the hand by a penguin. If you’re named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you. – Jimmy Kimmel

This is the 100th anniversary of the Titanic disaster. On its maiden voyage, it collided with an iceberg and sank into the ocean. But it still made it further than that North Korean rocket. –Jay Leno

Yesterday, North Korea launched a big long-range missile. It was supposed to scare everybody. It exploded less than a minute after launching. In fact, leader Kim Jong Un was so mad, he went home, kicked his dog, and then ate it. –Jay Leno

President Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama. –Jay Leno

In an interview, President Obama said he prefers Jay-Z to Kanye. Did you know Obama was a fan of hip-hop? In fact, he has his own rap nickname, Biggie Deficit. –Jay Leno

It’s a great day for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. They’re officially engaged. I wonder if this means they’re thinking of having kids. –Craig Ferguson

Today in Australia they kicked off the World Atheist Convention. Atheists from around the world get together to congratulate themselves for figuring it all out. –Craig Ferguson

Not such a great day for North Korea. Yesterday, they launched a top-secret new missile. It blasted off and flew about 90 seconds and then blew up. It fell apart faster than a Kardashian marriage. –Craig Ferguson

That’s what the North Koreans get for launching it on Friday the 13th. Why couldn’t they have just waited until Saturday the 14th? Maybe the atheists told them not to worry about it. –Craig Ferguson

Today is Friday the 13th. And if you don’t believe this day is bad luck — just ask North Korea how that rocket launch went. –Jimmy Fallon

Last night Newark Mayor Cory Booker rescued a woman trapped inside a burning house. Not to be outdone, Governor Chris Christie rescued a Tostito that fell in his artichoke dip. –Jimmy Fallon

The Obama administration is trying to distance itself from remarks made by long-time Democratic adviser Hilary Rosen. She said that Mitt Romney’s wife, Ann, a stay-at-home mother of five who has cancer, has never worked a day in her life. The ironic part — because of that idiotic statement, she may never work another day in her life. –Jay Leno

Let me tell you something — if you’re the mother of five boys, you never had a day off in your life, OK? –Jay Leno

And now, even vice president Joe Biden is furious. He said, “Making stupid comments that hurt the president, that’s my job. She has no right.” –Jay Leno

Rick Santorum has suspended his presidential campaign. He dropped out after spending a weekend in prayer, and then realizing he didn’t have one, he dropped out. –Jay Leno

In an interview, once again President Obama called Kanye West a jackass. In other words, President Obama’s finally found an issue that can bring this country together. –Conan O’Brien

Today Newt Gingrich is blaming the failure of his presidential campaign on Fox News. Newt’s also blaming the failure of his diet on Cinnabon. –Conan O’Brien

JK Rowling has a novel now aimed at adults. It’s called “Harry Potter and the 30-Year Adjustable Rate Mortgage.” –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday Newt Gingrich gave a campaign speech at a senior center, scheduled between a Jazzercise class and a Bingo game. That’s when you know you’re in trouble – when your campaign speech is the least exciting thing happening at a senior center. -Jimmy Fallon

Newt Gingrich gave a speech at a senior center. Or as audience members put it, “Unplug me.”

Gingrich spoke to seniors, right before the Bingo game — which was awkward, because one of the Bingo players turned out to be Ron Paul. -Jimmy Fallon

Happy birthday to David Letterman, who turned 65 years old today. I don’t want to say he’s getting old, but today, he read the Top Ten reasons to get off his lawn. -Jimmy Fallon

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Thursday, April 12, 2012
Top Ten Things I, Dave, Hoped To Do By The Time I Turned 65

10.Suffer a massive, teeth-rattling heart attack

9.Become a gay icon

8.Work like I don’t need the money, love like I’ve never been hurt, and dance like nobody’s watching

7.Serve a half-term as Governor of Alaska

6.Design my own line of necklaces for Kay Jewelers

5.Work with a dedicated staff and crew whom I respect and admire…who feel the same about me

4.Do something to cause a ‘Fire Dave’ rally

3.Replace the sound effects guy

2.Know when to quit

1.Betty White

Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Top Ten Words Rarely Used To Describe Mitt Romney

10.Gangsta

9.Laugh-a-minute

8.Newty

7.The Mormon Lenny Kravitz

6.Poor but honest

5.Silver-haired “sexplosion”

4.Honey-voiced

3.Slutty

2.Friend to Irish Setters

1.Presidential

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Here are  some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Levi Johnston (of Bristol Palin infamy) has impregnated another Alaskan girl.  He has become such an argument for birth control even Rick Santorum is starting to waver on the subject.

The new iPhone case has a secret compartment for condoms.  Apple’s thinking was that if their iPhones start to procreate they’ll lose a lot of money because people won’t have to buy them anymore.

A Delta flight attendant was removed from a flight because he was acting unstable.  He has now joined forces with the unstable JetBlue pilot and they’ve announced they are going to start their own crazy airline.

In China a rescue team used an iPhone to rescue a 2 year-old boy who had fallen down a well.  That’s when technology has gone too far when an iPhone  replaces Lassie.

A prostitute was arrested at McDonald’s for offering sex to an undercover agent for 2 cheeseburgers off the dollar menu.  She used to charge a Big Mac Value Meal for sex but the current state of the economy just won’t allow it.

According to a new study, when people use the Internet too much it can cause psychological problems.  The study was written up as an article and has been syndicated to numerous sites on the Internet.

An Australian pilot said a snake appeared in his lap in the cockpit of his plane.  It seems the “snake” would appear every time a pretty flight attendant would walk into the cockpit.

The mayor of La Toba, Spain has banned burping, picking your nose, slurping your soup and a list of 62 other items he considered basic rules of politeness.  The women in the town are up in arms about this because, apparently, men won’t be able to live there anymore.

An NFL cheerleader for the Cincinnati Bengals has been indicted for having sex with a teenage boy.  While she’ll probably no longer be able to be a cheerleader she appears to have a great future as a teacher in the public school system.

A 27 year-old Chinese boy is suffering from renal deficiency after he sold his kidney so he could buy an iPhone and an iPad.  The good news is he may soon be able to meet up with Steve Jobs and maybe learn how to use those things to stay in communication from the great beyond.

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Here are David Letterman’s top Ten lists from last week:

Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Top Ten Questions Received By The Marshmallow Peeps Hotline

10.”I accidentally ate one — what should I do?”

9.”Have you considered making nacho cheese Peeps?”

8.”How can I encourage my child to eat more processed marshmallow?”

7.”Can I send you a peep made of actual chicken?”

6.”This is Gladys Knight — sorry, I was trying to reach the Pips”

5.”I’m too fat to leave my house — do you deliver?”

4.”Why don’t you ever call me for a change?”

3.”May I please speak to Mr. Marshall Peeps?”

2.”Why was Sarah Palin hosting the ‘Today’ show?”

1.”Chick or Bunny — what would Jesus eat?”

Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Top Ten Sneezes

10.Monkey

9.Natalie Portman

8.News anchor

7.Scandinavian news anchor

6.Green Day’s Billie Joe Armstrong

5.First sneeze ever captured on film

4.Me, Dave

3.President Obama

2.Twins

1.Baby panda

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Graig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

Congratulations to Mitt Romney, the big winner in yesterday’s primary. He won in Wisconsin. Rick Santorum finished second. Newt Gingrich came in fourth behind Ron Paul. But Wisconsin was not a total loss for Newt. He did make off with a 45-pound wheel of cheese. –Jay Leno

Best Buy announced they’re going to close stores in the United States while opening 50 new stores in China during the same time. Well, they say opening the stores in China will save shipping costs because all the stuff is made there anyway. –Jay Leno

The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That’s something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane. –Jay Leno

Sarah Palin co-hosted the “Today” show. She did a pretty good job, and they want to bring her back for a new version of “Where in the World is Matt Lauer?” What they’re going to do is release Matt into Central Park, and then Sarah will track him down “Hunger Games” style. –Jay Leno

Recently at the White House, President Obama admitted he’s a Trekkie. Although Trekkies say he doesn’t qualify because he has a wife and a job. -Conan O’Brien

Today Allegiant Airlines will start charging $35 extra if you have carry-on bags. Meanwhile, JetBlue is charging $35 extra if you want a pilot who isn’t insane. -Conan O’Brien

Dartmouth College, a fine institution, has named their medical school after Dr. Seuss. Because nothing is better than hearing your doctor say, “You don’t have cancer on your nose, you don’t have cancer on your toes.” -Conan O’Brien

There is a strange new law making its way through the Arizona Legislature that would make it illegal to post negative comments on the Internet. The penalty for annoying or offending someone is up to six months in jail. That is good. They’re always saying the prisons aren’t full enough. –Jimmy Kimmel

Ryan Seacrest was on the “Today” show. He is joining the NBC family. This on top of six or seven other jobs. America’s job growth is lacking and the cause is Ryan Seacrest. ABC, NBC, radio, cable — hundreds of jobs and he is not satisfied. –Jimmy Kimmel

Mitt Romney is catching heat for a possible violation of election rules. He was at a sub shop handing out free sandwiches. Special Romney sandwiches — they come on really, really white bread. –Jimmy Kimmel

Romney gave the sandwiches to people and apparently this is against the law. The Democratic Party in Wisconsin fired a formal complaint. Not sure with who — Quiznos, maybe. –Jimmy Kimmel

Last night Mitt Romney went three for three by winning the primaries in Maryland, Wisconsin, and Washington, D.C. Not to be outdone, Rick Santorum went three for three by offending women, atheists, and Latinos. -Jimmy Fallon

A Delta Airlines flight attendant was removed from a plane this morning because he was acting unstable. He was saying crazy stuff you never hear on a Delta flight, like “Prepare for an on-time arrival.” -Jimmy Fallon

The Delta flight attendant was removed for acting unstable, but on the bright side he was immediately hired as a pilot for JetBlue. -Jimmy Fallon

The New York Mets are now offering peanut-free seating for fans with severe allergies. Mets officials said they want to make sure that gagging and choking only occur on the field. -Jimmy Fallon

Well, congratulations to Kentucky. They won the NCAA championship 67-59 over Kansas, very nice. Did you see the news after the game? People in Kentucky flipping over cars, they were burning couches. That was all on the same front lawn. –Jay Leno

Oh, here’s your tax dollars at work. This is what makes people furious. The head of the GSA, a woman named Martha Johnson, has resigned after they found out she spent over $830,000 on a four-day government conference in Las Vegas. And the president is furious. Not President Obama, the president of China. It’s his money. It’s his money she spent. –Jay Leno

Up in Sacramento this week a man jumped on the hood of a police car that was moving. Started screaming his name. He was wearing a puffy winter jacket, a sombrero, one boxing glove. Police say the guy was in a total state of delirium. They didn’t arrest him. Turns out just a JetBlue pilot on break. He was just on break. –Jay Leno

Goldman Sachs sold their shares in the New York paper “Village Voice” because its back page has ads for prostitution. Goldman Sachs said the only people that should pay to get screwed are their clients. -Conan O’Brien

The Tony Awards announced Neil Patrick Harris will host for a third time. So once again they’ve snubbed Mike Ditka. -Conan O’Brien

A new study claims that four out of 10 Americans are now obese. The study was conducted by anyone working at a water park. -Conan O’Brien

Mitt Romney is trying to get female voters and Rick Santorum said, “What? Women can vote? Are you kidding me? ” –David Letterman

But the Wildcats, what a team, the Kentucky Wildcats. Listen to this. This is how good they are. Four of the starters are freshmen. Four guys. And they’re going right to the NBA . Who says Obama isn’t creating jobs? –David Letterman

It’s a great day here at the CBS network. Today the network announced that David Letterman and I extended our contracts until 2014. Yes! Which is good news here, of course, two more years of Dave. Bad news, two more years of me. -Craig Ferguson

What people are really talking about, of course, is the $650 million Mega Millions lottery. If you missed the drawing on Friday, the winning numbers were not yours. -Craig Ferguson

Welcome, lotto losers. Remember, you’re not just losers. You’re mega-losers! If it makes you feel any better, the odds of winning were 176 million to 1 — about the same odds the Supreme Court will pass Obamacare. –Jay Leno

There were three winning lotto tickets. I guess we’re not sure who the three winners are yet. But when they do come forward, two things happen immediately. You get a call from the IRS asking for half. Then you get a call from your friends and relatives asking for the other half. –Jay Leno

That was so much money that the JetBlue pilot could afford to go nuts on his own private plane. –Jay Leno

Betty White has a new show on NBC called “Off Their Rockers” where senior citizens prank young people. It’s kind of like what we’re doing to them with Social Security. –Jay Leno

Three people have won the Mega Millions lottery. You know what that means — three more votes for Mitt Romney. -Conan O’Brien

Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney has no principles. In other words, he has given Romney his official endorsement. -Conan O’Brien

iTunes announced a controversial app has been pulled after people said it was designed for stalkers. The developers say they will resubmit their app under its original name: Facebook. -Conan O’Brien

Oprah Winfrey’s longtime boyfriend Stedman Graham has written a book about being proud of who you are. It’s not helping that the cover of the book says, “Written by Oprah Winfrey’s boyfriend.” -Conan O’Brien

The Mega Millions jackpot added up to a record $656 million. Three people correctly picked all six numbers. Now the plan is to throw them into a pit of some kind and have them fight to the death. –Jimmy Kimmel

The winning tickets were sold in Illinois, Kansas, and Maryland. All we know is their first names are Khloe, Kourtney, and Kim. –Jimmy Kimmel

I always think it’s funny that people wait in line for hours and hours when it’s $640 million, but if it’s a hundred million, it’s not really worth it. –Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday was April Fools’ Day. Mitt Romney’s staffers played a prank on him by staging a fake campaign event in an empty room — or as Newt Gingrich put it, “My staff has been playing that prank on me for six months.” -Jimmy Fallon

I read that the odds of winning the Mega Millions jackpot were only 1 in 176 million — or as most people put it, “Well, yeah. That’s why I bought two.” -Jimmy Fallon

On Saturday the Empire State Building went dark for an hour to draw attention to climate change. Of course, 10 endangered eagles then crashed into the building. -Jimmy Fallon

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Here are some jokes by standup comedian Mike Birbiglia:

I’ve been listening to this rapper, Busta Rhymes. Sometimes he’ll say a really good rhyme, and he’ll say his name afterwards. He’ll be like, ‘Cat in the hat, and that was that — Busta Rhymes.’ I really like that. I’d like to do that with jokes. Like, ‘I like drinking coffee, but if I ever reach a point in my life where the best part of waking up is Folgers in my cup, I’m not sure I wanna wake up — Mike Birbiglia.’

This girl offered me E at the club. She’s like, ‘You gotta do E. It helps you feel the music.’ I was like, ‘I don’t even like this music. I don’t really want to take the next step.’

Everyone tries to get you to dance at these clubs, especially women. They’re like, ‘You gotta dance. You gotta dance!’ And then I dance, and they’re like, ‘Not like that.’

I went to Dunkin’ Donuts last week, and the person waiting on me didn’t speak any English at all, like, no words. And it’s like I’m all for the melting pot theory, but if I lived in Portugal and I worked at Dunkino Donutos, I might pick up a few keywords, you know, like donutos, munchkinos, chocolatto, coverato. The customers would be like, ‘Blah, blah, blah, donutos.’ And I’d be like, ‘Right away, sir.’

My female friends complain about dating. My friend was like, ‘I went out with this guy, and he wanted to sleep with me after five dates.’ And I was like, ‘No, he wanted to sleep with you after one date. He thought he might have a chance after five. He probably wanted to sleep with you after zero dates, but he thought a trip to Applebee’s might grease the wheels a little.’

I was living with a girl for a while. We worried about different things. One day, I was like, ‘What do you fear the most?’ And she was like, ‘I fear you’ll meet someone else, and you’ll leave me, and I’ll be all alone.’ And she was like, ‘What do you fear the most?’ And I was like, ‘Bears.’

I try and go to the gym. But it seems kind of counterproductive because the idea is to impress women, but there are women at the gym and they can see me bench-pressing 65 pounds. And I don’t think they’re saying, ‘Check out the guy in the dress socks. I saw him do one chin-up and then fall on the ground.’

One of the reasons why panda bears are going extinct is because the male pandas like eating more than they like mating, which at first, I thought was strange. But then I thought, if I were a panda bear and I had to have sex with another panda bear, I wouldn’t be that excited either. I’d be like, ‘Oh great, she looks exactly like me.’

I love Valentine’s Day. When you’re a kid, everyone gets a valentine. It’s like, ‘To Tim: Nice pants! Love, Scott.’

I’m Italian… Sometimes people come up to me and they’ll be like, ‘In Italy, it’s pronounced ‘Bir-Bee-Lya.’ And I’m like, ‘In America, you’re annoying.’

I was an altar boy when I was a kid — and the answer is ‘no.’

I wanted to be a rapper — I really did — and it surprises people because I’m a white bread cracker. That’s my favorite white person slur — ‘white bread.’ The other day, someone was like, ‘What’s up, white bread?’ And I was like, ‘That’s not even an insult. That’s just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup.’

Rappers now will be like, ‘It’s 2005, motherf**ker.’ I’m like, you’re mad about the date? You’ve gotta pick your battles, man.

Technology’s moving so fast, man. It’s to the point where you can make stuff up, and people will believe you. You can be like, ‘You seen the new Sony Teleporter?’ People will be like, ‘No, but I heard about it.’ I end up saying that all the time — ‘No, but I heard about it.’ It means I haven’t heard about it, but I like you.

I’ve got an apartment, and it’s a little bigger than my body. And my friend came over to give me advice. He was like, ‘You gotta get nice little hand soap for your bathroom because women love that.’ I was like, ‘Do they also love it when your shower is one foot from your toaster? ‘Cause I got that goin’ on, too!’

I’m not good at drinking; I just become another person. Like last year, I went out drinking, and I met this girl and she gave me her number, but the next day I didn’t even want to call her. I didn’t feel like she met me, I felt like she met ‘Two-Drink Mike.’ It’s totally different. Two-Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Zero-Drink Mike enjoys biographies and has serious opinions about wildlife.

Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When it’s good, it’s good. When it’s bad, you get it on your shirt.

I stayed at a hotel last week in Washington, D.C. It was the Abraham Lincoln Suites, and they have these Abraham Lincoln quotes everywhere. And one of them was like, ‘Whatever you are, be a good one.’ I just don’t feel like he should get credit for generalities like that. Like, ‘How Are Ya?’ — Abraham Lincoln.

I walked on stage as I heard them say, ‘Please welcome Mike Bahooski!’, and I was so mad. In my head, I was like, ‘You didn’t even try! You just said “B” and then whatever you could think of, and you made me Polish. That’s a really specific choice.’

I went to the doctor the other day. They told me there was something in my bladder. Whenever they tell you that, it’s never anything good, like, ‘We found something in your bladder, and it’s season tickets to the Yankees!’

I didn’t realize how good I was with computers until I met my parents.

I found the antidote to this crazy virus online, and I was able to make it go away. But when I left the house, my parents still insisted on placing the computer in the corner of the house with the screen facing the wall, like the computer had done something wrong.

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