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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

After President Obama wowed the crowd at the Apollo Theater last week with his singing voice the producers of American Idol invited him to sing on their show next year.  The timing couldn’t be better because he expects to have a lot of time on his hands after the election.

Newt Gingrich still feels he has a shot in this election.  He figures he should not only be a favorite with fat Americans, but also of divorced Americans, which between the two has to cover about 90% of the population.

Newt is touting himself as a regular guy, a sort of “every man.”  I don’t know if he is every man but as fat as he is he could definitely pass for two or three of them.

Supermodel Gisele Bundchen asked friends and family to pray for her husband, Tom Brady, to win the Super Bowl.  He’s already won 3 Super Bowls and he’s married to a supermodel.  That’s like asking people to pray for Mitt Romney to make more money.

The labor department announced that the economy created 243,000 new jobs last month.  Unfortunately, none of them were in the US.

According to the Wall Street Journal, a study has shown that nagging is the number one cause for divorce in the US.  The number two cause was when injury caused by men ignore the nagging.

Taco Bell is being investigated in a salmonella outbreak that sickened 68 people in 10 states.  A Taco Bell spokesman said, “What’s the big deal? That’s way below our average…Hey, maybe we’ll get a reward!”

Last week was Groundhog Day.  The groundhog saw his shadow so it looks like we’ll have 6 more weeks of Republican primaries.

A man in Thailand was arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear.  Interestingly, his former profession was boxer, but his career was brief because he liked to chase women who wore thongs.

According to a report 60% of Miami residents are miserable.  Coincidentally, this survey was done during a week when Miami stores were having a hard time getting deliveries of “Depends.”

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Super Bowl Fun Facts

10.Before Gatorade, players dumped bouillabaisse on their coaches

9.This year, every commercial will feature a sneezing monkey

8.Super Bowl II was played on shag carpeting

7.No team trailing at the end of the fourth quarter has ever won a Super Bowl

6.Officials at the first Super Bowl were dressed as Zorro

5.Every Super Bowl is decided a week in advance by NFL spokesman Greg Aiello

4.Super Bowl MVP Larry Csonka appeared in the film, “Larry Csonka and the Chocolate Factory”

3.Mike Ditka is only person to win Super Bowl as a player, coach and cheerleader

2.Due to football shortage, Super Bowl XXXII was played with mangoes

1.Pat Nixon slept with every member of the 1972 Miami Dolphins backfield

Top Ten Sound Effects

10.Doorbell

9.German Grandma

8.Slide Whistle

7.Dog on Mitt Romney’s car (Frightened yelping, horn honking)

6.Seal (Matt Damon making seal sound)

5.Bacon sizzling or Shower

4.Glass crash (Tom Hanks making glass crash sound effects)

3.Crowd at New York Knicks game (Booing)

2.Kitty (Dave making kitty sound effects)

1.The sound of people watching at home (Snoring)

Top Ten Things Staffers Would Like To Say To Dave On His 30th Anniversary In Late Night

10.”I stopped watching in ‘92″
(Jay Johnson)

9.”One of these days we’ll figure out how to kill you and make it look like an accident”
(Biff Henderson)

8.”My therapist says I have Stockholm syndrome”
(Kathy Mavrikakis)

7.”I will not be berated this way — go f**k yourself”
(Jude Brennan)

6.”My family thinks I work at Walgreens”
(Will Lee)

5.”Thirty years — we’ve never met”
(Barbara Gaines)

4.”Hey Grandpa, shove it up your ass”
(Sue Hum)

3.”You’re incompetent”
(Rob Burnett)

2.”I’ve always loved you, now and forever”
(Rick Scheckman)

1.”I’ve got nothing to say to that prick”
(Paul Shaffer)

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Spending $16,000 on a Super Bowl Ticket

10.”Do they have anything in the more affordable $15,000 range?”

9.”Have I recently divorced either Kobe Bryant or Tiger Woods?”

8.”Can I afford it after spending $12,000 on a Pro Bowl ticket?”

7.”Isn’t this why the rest of the world hates us?”

6.”Would it make more sense to watch at home and spend the 16 grand on snacks?”

5.”Before I spend the money, how’s Gronkowski’s ankle?”

4.”For $4,000 an hour, couldn’t I get a really good hooker?”

3.”If I’ve got 16 grand, should I buy the Mets?”

2.”Will I forever be known as ‘The Ass—- who spent $16,000 on a Super Bowl ticket?’”

1.”Do I get to have sex with Madonna?”

Top Ten Other Newt Gingrich “Big Ideas”

10.A Milk Dud the size of a basketball

9.More awards shows

8.New iPhone app called “Angry Jowls”

7.Ban people from calling something “awesome” unless it actually inspires awe

6.Fill Grand Canyon with custard; rename it Grand Cannoli

5.Diapers on horses

4.You’ve heard of the five-blade razor? How ’bout the six-blade razor?

3.Free donuts?

2.End the decade-long conflict between Elton John and Madonna

1.Open marriages for people named Newt

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

When Obama was at Disney World last week he went into one of their stores.  As he was leaving one of the clerks said to him, “Mr. President, you have to pay for the Mickey Mouse ears…oh, sorry, never mind.”

During a search of a Guantanamo Bay prison cell, guards found a copy of al-Qaeda magazine.  It was the issue where Barbara Walters interviewed the ten most interesting terrorists of the years.

KC of KC and the Sunshine Band had a birthday this week.  Not that he’s getting old, but now when he does a little dance, he can no longer make a little love, because he’s got to sit down tonight….and rest.

According to a University of Michigan study, talking about sex is as important to a relationship as having sex.  Unless, since 40% of men now have moobs, or male breasts, they get into comparing breast size with their wives….then it’s not the best.

Last weekend in Oakland 400 “Occupy protesters” were arrested for throwing rocks bottles and starting fires.  Police are theorizing that it’s been so long since an Oakland sports team won a championship that rioters had to find something else to riot about.

A woman in Iowa gave birth to a baby boy weighing 13 lbs. and 13 ounces.  So, now American youth aren’t even waiting to get out of the womb to get fat.

Mitt Romney says he’s not from Washington and that’s why he should be elected President.  Great, since he’s not from there he’s going to end up taking even more vacations than Obama does.

Romney also said about not being from Washington, that he’s lived on the real streets of America…the ones paved with gold.

A hospital worker from Logan, Utah was arrested for having sex with an unconscious woman in the hospital he worked at.  He told police he just made a mistake.  After he touched her between the legs and she didn’t move, he was sure it was his wife so he thought it was okay to have sex with her.

President Obama announced a new energy plan.  He’s going to vacation more and conserve his energy until he finds out who his opponent in the election will be so he knows who to attack.

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Here are some jokes by stand up comedian Dave Attell:

I make my own fun. Like today, I’m sitting on the couch, right? My dog’s licking himself, right? I’m touching myself, right? We catch each other’s eyes — we both start laughing.

I know what women like. I know you’re looking at me, thinking, ‘How does he know?’ I know. I know what they like: lots and lots of attention. You might call it stalking, but they love it… They’ll try to fool you with a restraining order.

You know what I like to do on a night like this? Sit in my apartment playing my favorite apartment game: find the smell.

Why is the Klan still having meetings? Is there any new business with the Ku Klux Klan? ‘Well, we do hate everybody, right? OK, see you next week.’

Men like looking at breasts, especially the cleavage. The cleavage! Thrusting it out at me, making me do things, making me listen to you — it’s crazy. I can’t do that. I can’t walk around with half a testicle hanging out, can I?

I only have one grandpa. We call him Grandpa Alive.

I travel a lot. I hate traveling, I guess ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

Sparklers are the gay cousin of the firework family. I think a flashlight is more dangerous than a sparkler. My friends have M-80s, bottle rockets, sticks of dynamite — they’re blowing stuff up, having fun; I’m walking around like the Special Olympics torch boy.

I had a dream I was trapped in an elevator with Michael Bolton, Kenny G and Yanni, and I had a gun with one bullet. Now, what do you do? I blew my head off, that’s what I did.

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay leno, David Letterman, Conan O”Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, and Jimmy Fallon:

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi says she has dirt on Newt Gingrich, but so far she’s keeping her lips sealed — because that’s how the last surgeon left them. –Conan O’Brien

Olive Garden announced they’re undergoing a makeover to try to increase business. They’re so desperate they’re even considering serving Italian food. –Conan O’Brien

A new website just came out that’s designed to calculate how long it takes Mitt Romney to earn your salary. So from now on, whenever Mitt Romney is running late, he can call there and say, “I’ll be there in five teachers.” –Conan O’Brien

What’s interesting is in the time it took you to think about that joke, Mitt Romney made $65 million. –Conan O’Brien

President Obama gave his annual State of the Union address last night in Washington, D.C. Did the Supreme Court justices really need to wear their robes to that? –Jimmy Kimmel

There’s a new episode of “American Idol” on tonight. Tonight’s auditions were held in aspen. Where else better to find talent than a snowbound town that’s 400 miles by icy road to the nearest city? ? –Jimmy Kimmel

Facebook users probably know, in September, the site unveiled the Facebook profile page, which they call “timeline.” Or more fittingly, “waste of timeline.” ? –Jimmy Kimmel

It’s revolutionary because it allows your friends and co-workers to see drunken photographs of you, not just from last night, but from any point in your existence. ? –Jimmy Kimmel

Mitt Romney released his tax records and they showed that he earned$42 million over the last two years. So now the other candidates aren’t running for president. They’re running to be Mitt Romney. –Conan O’Brien

Google Plus has introduced a new policy that allows nicknames. Unfortunately, it’s a nickname they give you based on your search history. –Conan O’Brien

Here in California, some Starbucks stores have begun selling beer and wine. When asked why, a spokesperson for Starbucks said, “Because sober people don’t buy Michael Buble CDs.” –Conan O’Brien

Nick Nolte was nominated for Best Supporting Actor. It’s his first major nomination since 2002, when he was nominated for Most Maniacal Mug Shot. –Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama gave his annual State of the Union address. And the State of the Union for 2012 is Kentucky. Congratulations. –Jimmy Kimmel

There’s a State of the Union drinking game. Let me just say this, if you really are playing the State of the Union drinking game, you’re probably an alcoholic. –Jimmy Kimmel

Obama focused on four areas he believes are the keys to restoring economic security. Energy, manufacturing, education, and TV shows about cupcakes, which we love. –Jimmy Kimmel

Scientists announced that they have detected a brand new subatomic particle. This particle is so tiny it is actually smaller than the income tax rate paid by Mitt Romney. –Jay Leno

The San Francisco subway system was shut down when some idiot drove an SUV into a subway tunnel. Boy, that Italian cruise ship captain is having a bad week. –Jay Leno

More details are coming out about the Italian cruise ship disaster. It seems the chef on board the ship says the captain ordered dinner after the crash. And here’s the worst part — he ordered it to go. –Jay Leno

That guy has brought more shame to the Italian people than Olive Garden. –Jay Leno

President Obama was addressing some dignitaries at Disney World. They even put the pants on Donald Duck. –David Letterman

I find it fascinating that your average automobile has a better navigation system than an Italian cruise ship. –David Letterman

That Italian captain is a regular Sully Sullenberger, isn’t he? Instead of landing a plane on water, he landed a ship on rocks. –David Letterman

President Obama wants to remind Americans of the things he has taken care of — bin Laden, adios. Gadhafi, bye-bye. And Regis is gone. –David Letterman

President Obama was in Disney World to introduce a new plan to boost tourism in the United States. And also because the Mickey Mouse ears fit perfectly over his real ones. –Jimmy Kimmel

During a debate, Mitt Romney said he grew up in the real streets of America. Yes, the real streets, where people pull up next to you and ask if you have any Grey Poupon. –Jimmy Kimmel

Gingrich is lining up impressive endorsements. Todd Palin, Gary Busey, and now, Chuck Norris. I’ll tell you, his endorsements could beat up Mitt Romney’s endorsements. –Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday in Florida, President Obama kissed a woman on the cheek after she told him he looks good. Which explains why last night, Michelle made him sleep on Air Mattress One. –Jimmy Fallon

There’s a new Facebook app that will post a final status update for you after you die. That’s ridiculous. I don’t need someone to change my status when I die. I need them to water my Farmville crops. . –Jimmy Fallon

The Baltimore Ravens will travel to New England to take on the Patriots. When asked if they were excited for the game, quoth the Ravens, “Nevermore.” . –Jimmy Fallon

A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for warmth. Today he was offered a job as President Obama’s economic adviser. –Jay Leno

President Obama was in Disney World today where he unveiled his new plan to create jobs. He was joined by Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse but not Goofy. He had to stay behind to tend to his vice presidential duties. –Jay Leno

You know why President Obama chose Disney World? It was the only place with longer lines than the unemployment office, so it looks better. –Jay Leno

A McDonald’s restaurant had a rat hopping around on the hamburger buns. They were quick to apologize. They said the rat was supposed to be in the fries. –David Letterman

I saw the videotape of the rat hopping around on the buns. The rat is wearing a hair net, so . . –David Letterman

Texas Governor Rick Perry officially dropped out of the race for president. Yeah, he just couldn’t get over that one campaign hurdle — you know, talking. –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama aired his first campaign ad of 2012, which promotes his record on clean energy. Obama’s a big environmentalist. In fact, for the election he plans to recycle the same promises he made four years ago. –Jimmy Fallon

Next week Obama will visit Iowa, Arizona, Las Vegas, Denver, and Detroit. Not because he’s campaigning, just because all he could afford was a Southwest flight with a bunch of layovers. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that 68 percent of Americans are overweight or obese. While the rest are both. –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are some jokes by a very good stand-up comedian, Jimmy Allen:

To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. Now, if a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.

Women have an easier time purchasing condoms than men because women are bold. Women aren’t bothered by it. Women will walk into that drug store, ‘Yeah, let me see, give me the lambskin lubricated one that’s ribbed with feathers, two feet long and…

Did you hear there’s a stealth condom? That’s what it’s called. It’s called the stealth condom. Now how many guys are going to go out and buy a stealth condom? How many guys want to get in and out without anyone knowing they were there?

Have you ever been to someone else’s home, used their bathroom, then found out there was no toilet paper? What do you do? You can’t yell, so weird things go through your mind. Do you ever sit there and think things like, ‘Well, this is an old pair of underwear I got on. I’d hate to use all their cotton balls. I bet you those Q-Tips would hurt. I wonder if they’ve read this magazine before? Here kitty, kitty…’

After three years of marriage, there are some questions I’d like to ask my wife. Little things like, ‘Honey, why is it that you get three closets and I get the back of a chair? Honey, I want to know, why do you watch TV commercials when you have a remote control?’

Now that I’m married, I’m being asked questions I have never been asked before in my entire life. The other day, my wife came up to me and said, ‘Do you think I’m fat?’ I said, ‘Excuse me sweetheart, but do you see “stupid jackass” written on my face?”

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

According to a poll, 43% of Americans thought God helped Tim Tebow win football games.  But many of them also resented it because that meant God was sitting at home watching football while they were at church.

President Obama was in Disney World last week where he unveiled his new plan to create jobs.  Appropriately, the code name they had for the plan was “Goofy.”

According to the CDC, 69% of Americans are overweight or obese.  So, if California ever does fall into the ocean we’ll know why.

Wikipedia was voluntarily down for a day last week in protest of proposed laws for anti-piracy.  So, for that day you had to go to another source if you wanted misinformation about a topic.

Newt Gingrich’s ex-wife had said that he wanted an open marriage.  I don’t think that’s different than most politicians.  He just wanted to be able to screw as many people as possible.

A human head was found near the famous Hollywood sign in Hollywood hills.  Parts of the brain were missing so police were pretty certain that it was a local resident rather than a tourist.

Joe Biden was at a Democratic fundraiser last week in San Francisco and he said, “The Giants are on the way to the Super Bowl.”  After getting jeered he said he made a mistake because the San Francisco baseball team is the Giants.  Who would have thought Biden would ever get confused?  Anyway, since the subject was football it is appropriate that he stuck his foot in his mouth.

Last week a woman took her 5 year-old son along with her on a bank robbery.  Apparently, she had no money for a baby sitter and that’s why she was robbing the bank.

Newt Gingrich overheard a newsman reporting about the election saying, “The stakes were very high.”  Newt’s reaction was, “Steaks?  I’ll have three, well done.”

Chris Christie had harsh words about Newt Gingrich’s past record.  One reporter called it putting a knife into Newt’s back.  Naturally, Christie would have saved the fork for himself because he was going to lunch right afterword – hey, fat guys gotta eat.

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Revelations In The Interview With Newt Gingrich’s Ex-Wife

10.He keeps getting married just for the cake

9.Their towels were monogrammed “His” and “Current Wife’s”

8.Newt has a revolving account at Dairy Queen

7.He never leaves home without a set of blank divorce papers

6.He was born in Kenya

5.In college, he broke into primate testing facility and was scratched by an infectious Rhesus Monkey

4.Like a boa constrictor, he squeezes his food to death and swallows it whole

3.Newt was once briefly married to Kris Humphries

2.His body is featured in Jenny Craig “before” photos

1.He once had sex with a vending machine

Top Ten Signs Mitt Romney Is Getting Cocky

10.Answers all questions with, “So’s your mother”

9.Offered Santorum a ten thousand vote head start in South Carolina primary

8.He’s forwarding his mail to the White House – Wow, that’s cocky

7.Skipping next three primaries to go on tour with Young Jeezy

6.Started selling his own commemorative presidential plates on QVC

5.Donated $50,000 to Rick Perry’s campaign

4.Now spelling “Mittt” with three T’s

3.Ended debate by taking out wad of bills and “making it rain”

2.Wants to rename states Mittchigan, Mittsouri, Mittsissippi, and New Mittsico

1.Offered to help Newt with his concession speech

Top Ten Things People Said When They Heard Jon Huntsman Was Dropping Out Of The Presidential Race

10.”Who’s Jon Huntsman?”

9.”Is he the rich boring white guy, or the other rich boring white guy?”

8.”Seriously, who’s Jon Huntsman?”

7.”You mean my tax attorney? Oh wait, that’s Stan Huntsman”

6.”Does this mean we can bring Herman Cain back? That guy was hilarious”

5.”So that leaves only four viable candidates, plus Rick Perry”

4.”It’s like Jon Huntsman said…Well, actually, I have no idea what he said”

3.”Hey honey, some guy I’ve never heard of is dropping out of the race”

2.”He should have Tebowed more”

1.”Now who’s gonna lose to Obama in the general election?”

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson:

“Mitt Romney, whose father was born in Mexico, is now talking up his Mexican heritage. Not to be outdone today, Newt Gingrich said he once cheated on one of his wives with a woman named Juanita.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama will be going to Disney World where he’ll unveil his new plan to create jobs. And what better place for the president to talk about his jobs plan than Fantasyland?” –Jay Leno

“Sen. John McCain told Sean Hannity that choosing Sarah Palin was still the best decision he ever made. Well, today the Arizona DMV took away his driver’s license.” –Jay Leno

“A cardiologist now says that former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards’ trial has to be delayed because Edwards has a life-threatening condition. Hey, don’t all husbands who cheat have a life-threatening condition?” –Jay Leno

“Because of a protest, starting at midnight, Wikipedia is going to shut down for 24 hours. In fact, it’s 11:05, so you have less than one hour to get most of your facts wrong.” –Conan O’Brien

“At the last Republican debate, Mitt Romney talked about his love of hunting. In fact, Romney said on his last hunting trip, he shot three dear and fired two elk.” –Conan O’Brien

“King Jung Nam, the brother of North Korean leader Kim Jung Un, said that as a leader his younger brother will fail. When he heard this, Kim Jung Un was so upset at his older brother, he yelled, ‘I’m telling Kim Jung Mom.’” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is visiting Disney World on Thursday to promote a new plan to boost tourism. Of course, it’s going to be awkward when he walks into the ‘Hall of Presidents’ and sees them making room for Mitt Romney.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Obama doesn’t pay admission to Disney World. He just charges it to the China section of Epcot.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The State Department issued a new travel warning yesterday, urging U.S. citizens to avoid Syria. Yeah, it was part of a new set of warnings called, ‘Things you were probably doing already.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Jon Huntsman has dropped out of the race for president to return to his former job as the guy in the picture that comes with the frame.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“At the first Republican debate, they were standing behind podiums, then they had them at a round table, and then one night they had them in bunk beds.” –David Letterman

“Wikipedia is going dark to protest a bill that’s before Congress. I know what you’re thinking: ‘If Wikipedia is dark, who’ll supply America with bogus facts?’” –Craig Ferguson

“This SOPA bill is aimed at going after Internet pirates. Not old-school pirates, but the modern pirates, who use hard drives.” –Craig Ferguson

“On one hand, this bill threatens free speech, the bedrock on which this country is founded. On the other hand, it’s supported by Viacom, which owns CBS.” –Craig Ferguson

“The bill was cooked up by big studios who want larger fines for websites connected to piracy. People wonder why Hollywood makes such crappy movies and TV shows. It’s because they spend all their time preventing people from stealing the crap they’ve already made.” –Craig Ferguson

There’s a new app that lets you post a message on Facebook after you die. Now you can finish off that message you were typing right before you got into the head-on collision. -Jay Leno

According to a Washington Post poll, 84 percent of Americans do not approve of the way Congress is doing its job. Sixteen percent weren’t even aware Congress is doing a job. -Jay Leno

An intelligence officer with the Canadian armed forces has been arrested for passing Canadian military secrets to a terrorist group. I don’t know what’s more shocking, the fact that he did that or that Canada has military secrets. -Jay Leno

To protest an Internet censorship law, Wikipedia has shut down for 24 hours. So if anyone is trying to look up by bio on Wikipedia, I’m 31, an Olympic medalist, and married to Scarlett Johansson. –Conan O’Brien

To help working mothers in Indonesia, a company is providing breast milk couriers. What happens is the courier takes the milk from the factory where the mother works and takes it to the factory where the baby works. –Conan O’Brien

They found an opossum on the subway, and not only that, but in the opossum’s pouch, they found a loaded weapon. –David Letterman

Here’s what we know about the opossum. What they do is pretend to play dead so predators will leave them alone. Well, isn’t that everybody on the subway?  –David Letterman

From nose to tail, it was two feet long. And it was so big, at first the transit authority thought it was a small New York City rat.  –David Letterman

President Obama took Michelle out to a steak restaurant for her birthday, marking the first time in months the words “Obama” and “well done” appeared in the same sentence. –Jimmy Fallon

Last week, a British Airways crew mistakenly told passengers that their plane was about to crash into the ocean. They made an even scarier announcement later: “Your in-flight movie will be ‘Yogi Bear.’” –Jimmy Fallon

Yeah, the crew told passengers their plane was about to crash, but it turns out a flight attendant hit the wrong button. I don’t know what’s worse — getting lied to about crashing into the ocean, or knowing it happens so often there’s a button for it. –Jimmy Fallon

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day, a day everyone in my studio audience decided to celebrate by seeing the whitest man on television. –Conan O’Brien

According to a study, the third Monday in January is the most depressing day of the year. Yeah, especially if you’re a Broncos fan who supports Jon Huntsman. –Conan O’Brien

One of the products unveiled at the Consumers Electronics Show is a remote for your television that you control with your mind. When you think “on,” it turns on the TV. When you stop thinking completely, it turns on “Jersey Shore.” –Conan O’Brien

From 1934 to 1963, the biggest criminals in America ended up on Alcatraz. Nowadays they end up on Wall Street. –Craig Ferguson

Some of the guys who escaped from Alcatraz made dummies of their heads and put them in their beds to fool the guards. I did the same thing here last time I interviewed Regis Philbin. He never figured it out. –Craig Ferguson

The most famous Alcatraz inmates are probably Al Capone and Machine Gun Kelly. But I think Machine Gun Kelly was destined for a life of crime. –Craig Ferguson

Some big election news. Jon Huntsman has officially dropped out of the 2012 presidential race. Wow, not having Jon Huntsman on the campaign trail is gonna be like . . . Well, it’s gonna be like having Jon Huntsman on the campaign trail. –Jimmy Fallon

During a campaign event on Saturday, Mitt Romney reached into his pocket and gave cash to a woman who said she was broke. Which got awkward, when she was like, “I’m also lonely!” –Jimmy Fallon

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This week I had some computer troubles.  Being a man, I was, of course, confident that I could fix it myself.  So, as I’m sure you can guess, I went to my tool box and got my most trustworthy tool, duct tape, and decided to get started.

As you might be guessing by now, duct tape is actually the only tool in my tool box.  Truthfully , it’s not so much a tool box as it is a drawer…in the kitchen, that has a lot of other important fix up stuff such as scotch tape, (I’m seeing a trend here that sticky stuff is important in repairing things) thumb tacks and matches.  The matches are kind of a last resort, if you can’t fix it you can at least have fun melting it down.

My computer had a virus.  It was kind of disgusting as it was sneezing, coughing up phlegm and there was about a box of used Kleenexes all around the floor of my desk.  Still, I was not to be deterred.  First, I exhausted all of the geek type methods of fixing a computer, i.e. looking at the screen while moving the mouse around deftly with a hard, determined look on my face like I really know what I’m doing , just in case anybody was watching me.  It’s true, I have people come from miles around just to watch me work on my computer.  There is a grandstand set up in my office just for that purpose.

After my forehead started hurting from faking that determined look so well and I had used up the extensive methods I knew of by using the mouse (exactly one) I decided to resort to my mechanical skills.  That’s right, it was time to open up the computer and stare at the insides, again, like I knew what I was doing.  This was a talent I had developed long ago when I would “fix” my car.

Naturally, fixing a car is a lot different than a computer because it’s bigger and there are a lot more things to stare at in a knowing fashion.  As I started opening the computer up some dramatic background music started to play and was getting louder…bompa, bompa, bompa, bompa, bompa.  Even I felt the drama and I KNEW I had less than a one percent chance of fixing anything.  I looked around and thought instinctively, “Where the heck is that coming from?”

At first I figured it was one of my fans in the grandstand seats, but strangely, they were empty.  I went back to work.  The music got louder and louder.  My adrenaline was pumping.  Finally, it became too much.  I got off the floor.  My computer got a reprieve from my skillful hands.  I went into the other room and discovered that someone was watching an episode of Glee and they were doing a dramatic song.  I was comforted in knowing that, even if I was unable to fix the computer, I was able to, at least, solve that mystery.

Now back at the computer, I was on this case once again.  I had her opened, wide open.  I did my stare.  Strangely, I felt like nothing had been repaired.  This called for drastic measures.  I decided to loosen some screws.  By the time I had the third one off I came to the conclusion that, “I had no freaking idea what I was going to do so put the screws back in before it’s too late.”

I had already gone through all the swear words that I knew, multiple times, so there was only one thing left to do…call someone who really knew what they were doing.  Fortunately, that method worked and before long my computer was disease free and working normally again.

As I leaned against the wall, I proudly realized that I had a lot to do with it getting fixed.  I did make the call to the competent person, after all.  I confidently looked at my curled up fingers, blew on my nails and wiped them off on my shirt.  I felt I should put my signature on this job like a painter does with his art work, even if I only did it symbolically.  So, I tore off a little piece of duct tape and pasted it onto the corner of the computer.  Job completed!

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