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Here are some more Jay Leno jokes about President Obama:

President Bush briefed Barack Obama on the state of the nation this week. I don’t know that things look bad, but after the briefing, Obama called McCain and said, ‘You still want the job?’

This was actually in the paper today, that both parties are already preparing for 2012. Isn’t that unbelievable? But I was thinking, it’s going to be tough for Barack Obama to come up with a campaign slogan for 2012. I mean, what’s it gonna be? ‘Don’t change, everything’s fine, don’t change anything, keep it exactly the same!’

In the latest issue of Sports Illustrated, Barack Obama says if he is fortunate to win the White House, he would like to install a basketball court. That’s what he said. It’s going to be built right on top of what is now the bowling alley.

Actually, Barack Obama’s wasting no time. He has chosen Illinois Congressman Rahm Emanuel as his chief of staff. Rahm Emanuel. Apparently Barack’s first order of business, no guys with regular names. Okay, that’s it! No Larrys, no Bobs! Just Barack and Rahm.

Don’t you love how the different news outlets put their own slant on it? Like see how Fox News is covering Barack Obama’s first 24 hours? They said, ‘Day One: American Held Hostage!’

Barack Obama spent his first day as president-elect putting together his transition team. And if you believe MSNBC, by tomorrow he will have chosen all 12 of his disciples.

Hey, did you see Barack Obama on the news? He took time out to take his kids trick-or-treating, that was nice. But he’ll only let them take candy from households making over $200,000 a year.

Hey, I watched ‘American Idol’ last night, the Barack Obama show. Did you all see Barack Obama’s infomercial? It was called “American Stories.” You know why they called it “American Stories”? I guess it sounded better than ‘Barack Obama Running Out the Clock.’

The show was very well done. I got to admit, I especially liked the end, where Barack rose to the heavens on a cloud. Wasn’t that unbelievable?

Here’s the amazing part, this is true, it was the highest-rated show on NBC last night. NBC’s already talking to Barack about picking it up for 13 more episodes.

This is exciting. Earlier this evening, Barack Obama’s 30-minute infomercial appeared on three of the major networks. Fox, CBS and NBC. And, of course, NBC was thrilled to be considered a major network. We haven’t had that in years!

Now, if you didn’t see it, one part was a little odd. At the end, Barack said, ‘If you vote now, we’ll throw in a set of steak knives and a can of Oxiclean.’

And of course, this Barack Obama appearance was historic for our network. Did you know this? This is the first time a black man has appeared on NBC in prime time since Bill Cosby.

Barack Obama continues to lead in the polls. Barack said, today, if it wasn’t for Fox News, he might be up two or three more points in the polls. So apparently, five of the six news channel openly rooting for him isn’t enough. You gotta get that last one.

Barack Obama also says that both men and women should have to register for the draft. What do you think of that? The first woman he wants signed up? Sarah Palin.

Barack Obama has bought a half-hour of airtime on CBS. He’s now negotiating with NBC, but they have some disagreement. See, Barack just wants to buy a half-hour, but NBC wants him to buy the entire prime-time schedule for the entire rest of the year.

Barack Obama said today the government’s $700 billion bailout should not be a blank check. Barack Obama says he knows that $700 billion is a lot of money. In fact, it would take him at least 10 Hollywood fund raisers to come up with that kind of money.

And the first presidential debate will take place this Friday night. They say John McCain’s challenge will be to distance himself from President Bush. And Barack Obama’s challenge will be to answer questions before his supporters can start clapping. So it’s going to be very tricky.

At a rally in Florida, Barack Obama was interrupted by a protest group calling themselves ‘Blacks Against Obama.’ Actually, a pretty small group. It’s just Condoleezza Rice and Jesse Jackson.

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

The employment report came out last week.  It seems the only shovel ready jobs that President Obama has created are the ones where somebody has to shovel the BS that he tells about jobs.

Sonic has new Peanut Butter Bacon Milkshake.  It has 1720 calories with 118 grams of fat and 128 grams of sugar.  Its marketing slogan will likely be “To die for,” and if you drink this you probably will.

Obama was quoted as saying, “We need Mexico.”  And he’s right.  Without the illegal alien vote he never would have won the last election.

Washington Wizards center Jason Collins has become the first American athlete in a major team-sport to come out as gay.  He has said there is no reason being gay should effect his playing the game of basketball, although it can, at times, interfere with his love of show tunes and his joy of shoe shopping.

The Kentucky Derby was last week.  In recent years the stakes on this race have become much higher for the horses.  Now, for the horses that don’t win, they are shipped to fast food joints.

In upstate New York, a 22-year-old, male Wal-Mart employee was arrested for allegedly engaging in prostitution in the store’s men’s room.  Of course, since he was working at Wal-Mart he was forced to really lower his prices.

Lindsay Lohan left the Morningside Recovery rehab facility, in Orange County, two minutes after walking through the doors.  She was disappointed because they didn’t have any happy hour.

President Obama said he still wants to close the Guantanamo Bay prison facility, but he doesn’t know how to do it.  His staff has assured him not to worry about it, though, since it was just a campaign promise.

Chicago’s homicide total in April was its lowest since 1962.  The theory is that young people grew up leaning to shoot with computer games and they don’t know how to shoot real guns.

For the first time since 2007, the U.S. Treasury is planning to pay down the national debt.  But don’t get excited, it’s only a plan, sort of like a campaign promise, they never really follows through.

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Signs Your Ice Cream Truck Driver Is Nuts

Friday, May 3, 2013

10. He greets customers with “Who sent you?”

9. Offers three toppings: sprinkles, nuts, and fire ants

8. Only works winters

7. On truck loudspeaker you hear him sobbing

6. Your scoop of “vanilla” turns out to be Crisco

5. Truck never slows below 85 miles per hour

4. Price of everything is “How much you got?”

3. He has licked everything in the truck

2. Keeps ice cream scoop warm in his pants

1. He’s wearing nothing but a sugar cone

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want to Hear In A Movie Preview

Thursday, May 2, 2013

10. “In a world where waffles do not exist…”

9. “From the director who once met the nephew of the director who brought you ‘The Godfather’”

8. “Meryl Streep is New Jersey Governor Chris Christie”

7. “Come see the film ‘Entertainment Weekly’ calls ‘97 minutes in length’”

6. “Starring Tom Hanks, but not that Tom Hanks”

5. “The incredible, true story of a teenager’s monkey, seized by German authorities”

4. “Strap yourself in for two hours you’ll never get back”

3. “Coming soon, another asinine movie about vampires”

2. “Special Sneak Preview at midnight in my van”

1. “Anthony Weiner in 3-D”

Top Ten Other Stadium Inventions

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

10. Cup holder holders

9. On-field parking

8. Fully-obstructed-view seating

7. Chimpanzee ushers

6. Shoulder-launched hot dogs

5. Retractable field

4. Every seat gets a throw pillow

3. Even warmer, flatter beer

2. Vibrating condiment pumps

1. Valet-parking dogs

Top Ten Phrases You Don’t Want To See In An Online Dating Profile

Monday, April 29, 2013

10. “Never convicted”

9. “Probably a tapeworm”

8. “Rest in peace, Qaddafi”

7. “Mommy says I’m handsome”

6. “95% bedbug-free”

5. “Casino restroom attendant”

4. “Face tattoo”

3. “Limbaugh-esque”

2. “Per hour”

1. “Twice, with Andy Dick”

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

Martha Stewart told Matt Lauer on the “Today” show that she is looking for a man on Match.com. You would think it’d be easy for someone like Martha Stewart, but it is not. It’s tough for her. A lot of guys don’t want to get involved with an ex-con. –Jay Leno

In baseball news, the Chicago Cubs said they will move if improvements are not made to Wrigley Field. And today Wrigley Field said it will move if improvements are not made to the Chicago Cubs. –Jay Leno

The U.S. government apparently spent millions of dollars in cash to fund various dubious government projects in Afghanistan — including solar panels and wind farms that never work. No, I’m sorry. That’s what we did here. I had it backwards. –Jay Leno

Researchers now believe the first settlers who settled in America, in Jamestown, resorted to cannibalism. The first settlers ate each other. Good thing that didn’t catch on. That would have changed Thanksgiving, don’t you think? –Jay Leno

More news keeps coming out about Jason Collins, the NBA player who revealed he’s gay. It turns out he’s a free agent looking for someone to sign him. He’s got some interest from Chicago. Not the Bulls, the Broadway musical. -Conan O’Brien

Domino’s Pizza customers can now order a pizza and watch it being made online. A spokesperson for Domino’s said this way their customers can see exactly what went wrong. -Conan O’Brien

The Chicago Cubs are considering leaving Wrigley Field if they don’t get a bigger scoreboard. Then someone reminded the Cubs for the amount of runs they get, they don’t need a scoreboard. -Conan O’Brien

A new study reveals that up to 41 percent of college graduates are working in jobs that don’t require a degree. By the way, I’m one of them. -Conan O’Brien

Martha Stewart has signed up with Match.com, the dating thing. And she’s been taking dating tips from the CEO of Match.com. And I thought, “Wait a minute. That’s insider dating.” –David Letterman

In New York City every year, we have the Tony Awards. We carry them right here on CBS. To make them more exciting, CBS has renamed them the “Jimmies.” –David Letterman

There’s another new category this year in the Tony Awards — best performance by a guy dragged against his will to a Broadway show. –David Letterman

It’s been two years since the SEAL team busted in and got Osama bin Laden. On the night of the raid, the guy never knew what hit him. It’s like being married to a Kardashian. –David Letterman

Martha Stewart is on the prowl. Martha Stewart is now on Match.com. She’s 71, and says she’s looking for a man between 55 and 70 and is not looking to have kids. What 70-year-old woman is looking to have kids? –Jimmy Kimmel

Martha says she’s a fan of the symphony, opera, and rap. I like that. She spent three months in prison and all of a sudden she’s Tupac listening to rap. –Jimmy Kimmel

What kind of rap does Martha Stewart like? Gift wrap. –Jimmy Kimmel

We ran all her information and we determined the best match for Martha. We looked to find someone who’s single, successful, likes kids, age appropriate, athletic, and knows what is it’s like to go through a scandal. I think we were able to find the right man. Arnold Schwarzenegger. –Jimmy Kimmel

Vice President Joe Biden’s plane is apparently stuck in Arizona because of problems with its engine. Officials say they’re trying to fix it as fast as they can. But Obama was like, “No rush.” –Jimmy Fallon

An elementary school here in New York City has become the first school in the country to serve only vegetarian food. Apparently the school board wants to give kids a head start in being difficult at restaurants. –Jimmy Fallon

That’s right. A school is serving only vegetarian foods, like tofu. Now when bullies say, “Give me your lunch money,” students are like, “Here, take it.” –Jimmy Fallon

The FDA has just ruled that girls as young as 15 can now obtain the contraceptive Plan B without a prescription. Before that, most teenagers’ Plan B was getting a show on MTV.  –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama held a press conference today. He said he still wants to close the Guantanamo Bay prison facility, but he doesn’t know how to do it. He should do what he always does. Declare it a small business and tax it out of existence. -Jay Leno

Yesterday Tim Tebow was cut by the New York Jets, although today he did sign with somebody: ChristianMingle.com. So good for him. . -Jay Leno

There’s now talk here in California of letting noncitizens serve on juries. The bad news: If you’re ever on trial for underpaying your nanny, you could get the death penalty. . -Jay Leno

Happy birthday to Willie Nelson. He’s 80 years old. God bless him. Willie has finally reached the age he’s looked for the last 30 years. . -Jay Leno

Yesterday President Obama said that the prison at Guantanamo Bay needs to be closed. To make sure it closes quickly, they’re turning it into a Blockbuster Video. -Conan O’Brien

NBA player Jason Collins’ former fiancee said she had no clue he was gay. Then she showed off an engagement ring given to her by her former fiance, Richard Simmons. -Conan O’Brien

Jason Collins’ former fiancee did say she had no clue he was gay. She went on to say he didn’t cheat on her, so she also had no clue he was in the NBA. -Conan O’Brien

Yeah, she said she had no clue he was gay. When she heard this, Manti Te’o’s fiancee said, “Well, at least you exist.” -Conan O’Brien

New reports say New York Governor Andrew Cuomo will not run for president in 2016 if Hillary Clinton does. In a statement, Hillary said that she appreciates the decision and the support. Then she added, “Because I would crush him.” –Jimmy Fallon

New York City is testing a new plan that would make the average school day longer by over two hours. Parents haven’t commented on the plan yet because they’re busy high fiving everyone they know. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that the air quality in New York City subways is actually the same quality as the air in New York streets. Even crazier, that’s supposed to be good news. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that certain fish use sign language to communicate. Apparently they have a sign for everything — except for “big metal hook.” –Jimmy Fallon

Washington Wizards center Jason Collins has become the first American athlete in a major team sport to come out as gay. Do you know what a breakthrough this is? Finally an NBA player who won’t have any illegitimate kids. –Jay Leno

Collins said it was not a tough decision to tell people that he’s gay. He said it’s easier than telling people he plays for the Washington Wizards. That’s the hard part. –Jay Leno

I had a birthday over the weekend. I turned 63. That is an awkward age. It’s too old for NBC, but it’s still too young to play for the Lakers. –Jay Leno

Supreme Court Justice Steven Breyer had shoulder surgery for an injury after he fell off his bike. It happened when the justice drifted a little too far to the left. -Conan O’Brien

In a new interview, Mike Tyson revealed his ex-girlfriend cooked and ate his pet pigeon right in front of him. Tyson said she also had a dark side. -Conan O’Brien

Jason Collins is the first athlete in a major U.S. sport to announce he’s gay. He’s a free-agent now, but his last team was the Washington Wizards. He’s not the first openly gay wizard. That trail was blazed by Dumbledore. –Craig Ferguson

So far the reaction from fans and teammates has been nothing but positive. Why shouldn’t it be? Jason Collins has nothing to be ashamed of. It’s not like he plays for the Lakers. –Craig Ferguson

The positive reaction to Jason’s announcement is a great sign. It shows us that NBA fans are ready to embrace diversity. And they really want to concentrate on what unites them — hating the Miami Heat. –Craig Ferguson

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

The five living ex-presidents all attended the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library, although the jury is still out on if Jimmy Carter is actually alive.

Not surprisingly, many of the books in the library are picture books and coloring books.

According to two new studies, Los Angeles has the worst smog and the worst traffic in the U.S.  Even though we don’t get snow in LA, on the bright side, we do get to throw smog balls at each other and build smogmen.  Instead of a carrot for a nose we use a broken exhaust pipe.

NBC has pulled the reality-dating show, Ready for Love, after three episodes.  It turns out they weren’t ready for love, only for sex, and now they are screwed.

There’s a new men’s cologne that smells like whiskey.  The same company makes a whiskey that tastes very sweet.

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner has returned to Twitter, but he was only allowed to do so on the condition that he wouldn’t use any body parts as a name label.

Because of the sequester, the FAA has been forced to lay off the cocktail waitresses that served drinks to the air traffic controllers.

Mike Tyson revealed his ex-girlfriend cooked and ate his pet pigeon right in front of him.  But luckily Tyson still has the brains of a bird….not the bird, but of a bird.

Jason Collins is the first athlete in a major U.S. sport to announce he’s gay. He’s a free-agent now, but his last team was the Washington Wizards.  He said now that he free of that chain he feels so much better…the chain being a player for the Wizards….coming out of the closet was good too.

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Here are some of David Letterman’s best jokes about Hillary over the last several years:

One week, and Barack Obama will be the new President of the United States. I’m telling you, things are really starting to look bad for Hillary.

Bill and Hillary Clinton helped drop the ball in Times Square on New Year’s Eve. But it was frigid. It was bitter cold, it was icy. And that’s just their marriage, ladies and gentlemen.

The suburbs are cold also. Up in Chappaqua, Bill and Hillary accidentally got into the same bed. It’s that cold.

Hillary Clinton is going to be secretary of State in the Obama Administration. Well, political insiders are now saying that Barack and Hillary actually have a good working relationship, but they don’t have a close personal relationship. No, wait a minute, that’s Hill and Bill.

Are you excited about Hillary Clinton? It looks like she’ll be named Secretary of State. They’re talking about that. And she’ll also receive the home version of the presidency and some other wonderful prizes.

Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he’s got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me.

Now this is a tough process because when, you know, you are going to appoint to you a Cabinet-level position, there is a whole process. It is a vetting process. And a questionnaire, and there was some trouble, because they filled out the questionnaire, running the check on Hillary. Listen this. Turns out, she was married to a guy who was once impeached.

How about this, they’re talking about Hillary Clinton maybe secretary of state. She takes that job, it means she will be spending a lot of time away from home. So today she took out her pantsuit with the travel stickers, and then she bought an electronic ankle bracelet for Bill.

But I’m telling you, ladies and gentlemen, in the world of politics, there is always something that goes haywire, always something that screws up, always something that ruins a lovely event. There is always that bump in the road, and it happened earlier today at the White House. An historic meeting, you have Barack Obama meeting with George W. Bush, and he showed up there for his orientation tour. So did Hillary.

How about that Hillary? She’s all upset because they have been using her recorded message of her criticizing Barack Obama. The McCain campaign got ahold of this audio where Hillary is saying unflattering things about Barack Obama, and they’re using them now. They call it one of those robocalls. Do you ever get some of those? Hillary is furious, because she wanted to make those calls herself.

And did you hear what happened down in Washington, DC, earlier today? Guards had to wrestle and apprehend an intruder who was trying to jump over the White House fence. Nice try, Hillary.

Celebrity birthdays, do you like celebrity birthdays? Hillary Clinton, 61 years old yesterday, how about that? Hillary and Bill shared a quiet birthday dinner, followed by a quiet breakfast, followed by a quiet lunch.

By the way, if you want to get Hillary a gift, you can’t go wrong with a gift certificate from Bed, Bath and Bitterness.

You know, that’s what people are saying, they’re saying that Sarah Palin is transmitting, every time she blinks, it’s some sort of coded message that she’s transferring over the television to the public. I remember the same thing, Hillary Clinton, same thing. Do you remember that? She used to actually — this is true — she used to send coded messages by opening and closing her pantsuit.

Congratulations to Bill and Hillary Clinton: this weekend, 33rd wedding anniversary. How about that? And you thought the Iraqi war was a never-ending conflict.

That’s right, Hillary Clinton’s celebrating 32 years of marriage to Bill, or as Hillary likes to call it, ‘the Bridge to Nowhere.’

But the big wedding anniversary; I mean, at least Hillary gets to have one celebration this year, so that’s nice.

But, you know, when Sarah Palin and John McCain make an appearance together, there’s always a brief hug, just kind of a brief hug. No kissing. So whenever you see them, like on stage some place or getting on or off a plane or whatever on TV, a brief hug, no kissing. … It’s just like Bill and Hillary.

I don’t know if you are aware of this or not, but this Democratic convention, they’re trying to be environmentally friendly. Even the confetti that they drop, that’s actually shredded Clinton subpoenas.

Hillary gave a rousing speech, it was so passionate, emotional, I’m telling you, Nancy Pelosi’s face almost moved.

And then what they did, they showed an inspirational film about the political career of Hillary Clinton, and whoa — moving, terribly dramatic and very insightful The name of the film about Hillary Clinton I believe was entitled ‘The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuit.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign right now, this very minute, is $20 million in debt. Now, when she gets that 3 AM call, it’s from a collection agency.

Politics is a dirty business. Hillary Clinton announced she’s running for president, and the Republicans are already busy digging up dirt. They found out that once in her lifetime she slept with Bill Clinton.

Bill Clinton’s been getting in the way of Hillary’s campaign. Can you believe that? She’s really upset about it, so she’s encouraged him to start dating again.

It’s true, everybody is in the holiday spirit. Last night, Bill Clinton saw the “Nutcracker.” Not the ballet, Hillary.

Hillary Clinton is ending her campaign, but really in the bigger sense it’s sad because, think about it, there goes right down the drain the Clinton dream of a being a two-impeachment family.

But don’t discount Hillary Clinton, because she’s nothing if not shrewd. … Don’t ever forget that. Hillary has a back-up plan. First, nothing but superdelegates. Remember when we heard all about the superdelegates? … Well, now she has another back-up plan to get to the White House. She’s going to marry John McCain.

Hillary Clinton, senator from New York, announced she wants to be president. She would be our first female president, if you don’t count James Buchanan.

Are you familiar with the Hillary Clinton 3 AM phone call commercial that she’s been running? Well, she’s got another one of those, and the phone rings at 3 AM, Hillary answers the phone, she picks it up, and she says “Stop bothering me, President Obama!”

Hillary criticized Obama so strongly that at one point he yelled at her. He just said, “Hey, easy, lady, we’re not married.”

You all excited about the 2008 presidential election? There’s some interesting potential matchups. For example, Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani. On the one hand, you have a pushy New Yorker with a history marital problems. Or, you have a pushy New Yorker with a history marital problems.

Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she’s too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, too angry to be president. When she heard this, Hillary said, “Oh yeah? I’ll rip your throats out, you bastards.”

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Things Overheard at the George W. Bush Presidential Library Dedication

Friday, April 26, 2013

10. “Is it ‘library’ or ‘libary’?”

9. “On your right is the hall of unread intelligence memos”

8. “Where did you get that suit – Men’s Wearhouse?”

7. “They forgot to build an exit for the Afghanistan war exhibit”

6. “Hey, Cheney, slow down on the cocktail weiners”

5. “It’s the only presidential library with a mechanical bull”

4. “What’s Nixon doing here?”

3. “I’m missing golf for this crap?”

2. “Who knew Bush was born in Kenya?”

1. “Duck!”

Top Ten Other AP Twitter Account Bulletins

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

10. Betty White’s pregnant

9. Seal Team 6 captures Reese Witherspoon

8. For a good meal at a fair price, you can’t beat Golden Corral

7. Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes — same guy

6. Apple replaces iPhone with edible PiePhone

5. George W. Bush to open presidential library (hard to believe, but that’s actually true)

4. Lindsay Lohan acquitted of all charges

3. Latvia calling it quits

2. Critics agree: Letterman at the top of his game

1. Governor Chris Christie skips dessert

Top Ten Signs Your First Day As A News Anchor Didn’t Go Well

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

10. Well, you’re wearing two neckties

9. Kept mispronouncing your own name

8. Weatherman tells you to expect an 80% chance of unemployment

7. Your tearful, on-air admission of falsifying your resume

6. Referring to Kim Jong Un as “Our great and powerful leader”

5. No one appreciated your Walter Conkite impression

4. Last story of the broadcast announced a job opening for a news anchor

3. Received congratulatory phone call from Sue Simmons (video of Sue: “What the f**k are you doing!?”)

2. Kept dropping your pants and yelling “This just in!”

1. Aspired to be the next Ernie Anastos (video of Ernie: “Keep f**kin that chicken”)

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

All five living presidents will gather for the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. President Obama says he hopes he can pick up some ideas for when he builds his. It’s going to be called the “Blame George W. Bush Presidential Library.” –Jay Leno

In observance of Earth Week, NBC currently is running its entire prime-time line-up completely into the ground. –Jay Leno

A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women’s facial expressions. The main reason? They are not usually looking at her face. –Jay Leno

Basketball great Dwight Howard, who reportedly has four children from four different mothers, is expecting a fifth child with a fifth woman. Dwight’s going to be a father again — as opposed to the rest of the Lakers, who are mostly grandfathers. –Jay Leno

Remember the kid from Notre Dame who had the imaginary girlfriend, Manti Te’o. They are saying he will be taken in the first round of the NFL Draft. We heard that from his imaginary agent.  -David Letterman

The New York Jets say they will take the best athlete possible in the draft. They’re going to take the best athlete available. It’s the same strategy the Kardashian sisters use. -David Letterman

The Internet celebrated a major milestone yesterday. It’s the eighth anniversary of the very first video uploaded to YouTube. YouTube was founded in 2005 by a small group of visionaries who asked the question, “What if nobody in America ever got anything done ever again?” –Jimmy Kimmel

Microsoft founder Bill Gates is in a little trouble today. Apparently people in South Korea are mad at him for giving a one-handed handshake to the country’s president, which over there is a sign of disrespect. And in hindsight, the hand buzzer wasn’t a great choice either. –Jimmy Fallon

South Koreans are really upset about this, but Gates says it’s just a miscommunication — while Americans say it’s payback for “Gangnam Style.” –Jimmy Fallon

A new report found that the worst job in the U.S. is being a newspaper reporter. They say it’s better for writers to just focus on fiction and become a CNN reporter. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that the way someone sneezes can say a lot about a person. For example, if they hold their sneeze in, they’re humble. If they cover it, they’re respectful. And if they just sneeze into the air, they’re standing next to you on the subway. –Jimmy Fallon

U.S. intelligence agencies have put together a psychological profile of Kim Jong Un. They say he’s a narcissist, and he is obsessed with Hollywood, obsessed with plastic surgery, and obsessed with the NBA. It’s a condition we know as “Kardashianism.” –Jay Leno

Oscar-winner Reese Witherspoon was arrested for disorderly conduct when she interfered with a police officer’s DUI arrest of her husband. Reese admitted she had also been drinking. –Jay Leno Apparently she told the officer she once played Johnny Cash’s wife, June Carter. But they didn’t believe her — because she couldn’t “walk the line.” –Jay Leno

NBC sportscaster Al Michaels got arrested over the weekend for DUI. His blood alcohol level was .08. And of course, NBC was ecstatic. .08 is the highest number anybody on this network has gotten in years. –Jay Leno

NBC announced this week that we are going green to promote new ways to save our planet. Save our planet? We can’t even save our prime-time lineup! –Jay Leno

Computer hackers hacked into The Associated Press Twitter account and they faked reports about an attack on the White House. And I thought, “Wait a minute, the real news isn’t bad enough? Now we’re making up bad news?” -David Letterman

According to new poll information, Americans now think very strongly positive about George W. Bush. By God, maybe there’s hope for me! -David Letterman

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner is back on Twitter. It’s like giving Lindsay Lohan the keys to the mini bar. -David Letterman

Today France legalized same-sex marriage. The next step is legalizing same-sex mistresses. –Craig Ferguson

Today is William Shakespeare’s birthday. He would have been 449 years old, or as CBS calls it, “our demographic.” –Craig Ferguson

There is talk that Apple CEO Tim Cook might get fired because of the company’s bad performance in the stock market. You can tell Tim Cook is trying to keep his job because he was like, “Have you tried turning the company off and back on again?” –Jimmy Fallon

The miniseries “The Bible” was a big hit. Now it’s being cut down to three hours so that it can be released in theaters. And apparently theaters will be able to feed an entire audience with just one bucket of popcorn. –Jimmy Fallon

A company in California has started selling a new cologne that smells like whiskey. I think my dad’s been wearing that cologne for 40 years. –Jimmy Fallon

A woman in Florida crashed her car into a Target store. But in her defense, the store did have a giant target on it. –Jimmy Fallon

Today is also Earth Day; NBC put green light bulbs in because it’s Earth Day. What a tremendous contribution they’ve made to Earth Day. –Jay Leno

Scientists have discovered that the feeling that you’re being watched is hardwired into our brains. In fact, the only people who don’t have the feeling of being watched are on prime time here at NBC. –Jay Leno

There are rumors that Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are back together. I just want that adorable little girl to be happy again. Maybe Selena can get something out of it, too. –Craig Ferguson

It’s Earth Day today. Let me tell you something about polar bears. They’re endangered but you have to be careful because a polar bear is one of the few animals that will stalk a human. If you go to where polar bears live, it might stalk you and when you’re on the plane going home, it might be behind you reading. –Craig Ferguson

In honor of Earth Day, tonight’s program will be made up of 100 percent recycled jokes. –Craig Ferguson

Happy Earth Day. Did you know there are Earth Day greeting cards? There is no better way to celebrate Earth Day than chopping down trees to make cards. –Jimmy Kimmel

Reese Witherspoon got into trouble. She was arrested for disorderly conduct. She asked the cop, “Do you know my name?” Does that ever work? The answer is either “No,” which is embarrassing or it’s “Yes, I do, and you’re going to jail.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Reese released a statement saying she is deeply embarrassed and clearly had one drink too many. But that’s Earth Day for you. People just get hammered. –Jimmy Kimmel

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries have finalized their divorce, and they did it two weeks before they were scheduled to go to trial. Even their divorce ended before it really started. –Jimmy Fallon

Kim said it’s nice to finally not be married after over a year of sort of not being married. –Jimmy Fallon

NBC has canceled its reality dating show “Ready for Love” after just three episodes. Other NBC shows were like, “They made it to three episodes? What’s their secret?” –Jimmy Fallon

Viewers complained the show was complicated and confusing — marking the first time a dating show has been canceled for being exactly like dating. –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Obama unveiled his 2014 budget.  Before it is passed there will be a lot of give and take.  Mostly taking from the taxpayers and giving to the government.

According to a new survey, 48% of male dog owners said they rely more on their computers than on their dogs, to which the dogs replied, “Yeah, well can your computer do this for you?” as the dogs sniffed their owners butts.

The city of Stockton, California has declared bankruptcy.  The mayor is so desperate he has even been responding to e-mails from Nigerian royalty.

Target has officially apologized for calling the color of a plus sized dress on their website, “Manatee gray.”  They said they understand now that some manatee’s are actually brown.

Last week Dick Cheney used politically technical terms to describe our situation with North Korea as, “We are deep doo-doo.”  I hate it when leaders use terms we laymen can’t understand.

Obama’s new budget has $8 billion for job training programs.  The $8 billion dollars will create many jobs for government trainers, who will then be laid off and collect unemployment because there are no actual jobs to train people for.

Lindsay Lohan will be moving into the Seafield Center on Long Island for 90 days of drug rehab.  Her father, Michael, was treated there in the late 80’s so we can expect this rehab to be equally as effective as her previous rehabs.

Carnival is now offering Caribbean cruises for as little as $38 per night.  Running water, working toilets and barf bags are all extra.

An 18 year old girl from the UK has only eaten packaged noodle soups for the last 13 years.  She realizes this has not been the healthiest diet so she is going to upgrade it by starting to eat at McDonald’s.

The Iranian government is claiming their scientists have developed a time machine. I thought the Iranian government was already back in the 19^th century.

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Denny’s Wedding

Thursday, April 11, 2013

10. “I guess the Waffle House was booked”

9. “I said I wanted to get married at Disney”

8. “You think this is bad – they’re having their honeymoon at Sleepy’s”

7. “You may now exchange onion rings”

6. “By the power vested in me, the assistant manager, Keith…”

5. “I’d like to read a passage from appetizers”

4. “You got them a deep fryer? I got them a deep fryer!”

3. “We’re registered at Jenny Craig”

2. “The waiter’s in the kitchen giving the maid of honor a sausage slam”

1. “You may now Heimlich the bride”

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Accountant

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

10. Take off your clothes and sit on the examining table (Harvey Tanton)

9. Good news — you earned enough to co-sign my mortgage! (Whitney Boyd)

8. My client Wesley Snipes said prison wasn’t so bad (Phil Defalco)

7. Would you like to touch my rubber thumb? (Lawrence Spielman)

6. I’m faxing over your 1099 form right now [makes faxing sound] (Gary Schatsky)

5. Care to make a tax-deductible donation to the Taliban? (Bob Manger)

4. Give me fifty bucks — I’ll make your taxes disappear (Andrew Ross)

3. Do you have someplace to stay until things blow over? (Sandra Bussell)

2. Ignore the blood stains (Richard Koenigsberg)

1. Ey, Nice W-2s (Andrew Rubin)

darnfunnyonline.com