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These are not new but they are funny every time you read them.

Here are 10 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres
ever aired on British TV and radio…

1) Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator:

“And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this
morning and it was amazing!”

2) New Zealand Rugby Commentator:

“Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of
him.”

3) Ted Walsh – Horse Racing Commentator:

“This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.”

4) Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977:

“Ah, isn’t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is
kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.”

5) US PGA Com mentator:
“One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well
is that before each tee shot his wife takes out his balls
and kisses them. Oh my god!! What have I just said?”

6) A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked:

“So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?”

7) Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:

“Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.”

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North
said:

“There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold
night like this.”

9) Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:

“Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance
he gets.”

10) Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up
to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s UK eclipse
coverage remarked:

“They seem cold out there, they’re rubbing each other and
he’s only come in his shorts.”

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel:

“Rich Iott, the Republican nominee and Tea Party-backed candidate for Congress in Ohio, has admitted that he dressed up in a Nazi uniform for a Nazi reenactment. He said he was just following orders. His campaign slogan: ‘In your heart you know he’s Reich.”’ –Jay Leno

“A Republican candidate for Congress in Ohio, a guy named Richard Iott, photos have surfaced of him dressed in a Nazi uniform. He would go to Nazi reenactments dressed as an SS Stormtrooper. He said he only dressed as a Nazi as a bonding ritual with his son. Really? Any other kids do that with their dads? ‘I don’t want to fish, I don’t want to play catch, Let’s dress up as Nazis!’” –Jay Leno

“Jerry Brown’s staff spent the weekend coming up with their new campaign slogan: ‘Just say ho.’” –Jay Leno

“Gubernatorial candidate Jerry Brown’s campaign is in trouble for allegedly calling her opponents Meg Whitman a ‘whore.’ And of course, now real whores are upset with Brown because they don’t want to be mixed up in politics. There are some things they won’t do.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama met with students in the Oval Office who have started their own businesses. Or, as those students are known on campus, ‘weed dealers.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Google is investing in an offshore wind farm project that could provide electricity to 1.9 million homes on the East Coast. And not to be outdone, Yahoo just bought a brand new ceiling fan.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A Greek billionaire is giving a million dollars to a man that ran naked in front of President Obama in Philadelphia. Obama called the stunt ‘highly immature’ while Biden called it ‘totally worth it.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino’s pit bull, Duke, bit another dog during a campaign stop this week. People who were there said he was growling, foaming at the mouth, and completely out of control. And so was his pit bull.”  –Jimmy Fallon

“Carl Paladino criticized his opponent for marching in a gay pride parade. I guess he’s planning on decorating the governor’s mansion himself.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“A man was arrested for streaking at President Obama’s rally in Philadelphia. Thankfully, the police were able to restrain and clothe Joe Biden.” – Craig Ferguson

“Someone actually threw a book at the president. When Obama saw something fly by, he said, ‘Christine O’Donnell on a broom!’” –Craig Ferguson

“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie canceled a tunnel they were digging from New Jersey into New York. Apparently, New Yorkers found out about it.” –Jay Leno

“It’s being reported that the economy lost 95,000 jobs in September. And that’s just people leaving the White House.” –Jay Leno

“The White House is becoming like ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ Every week, someone is voted off.” –Jay Leno

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Since we are into the baseball playoff season, and sexually I like to refer to myself as a fall classic (I can dream, can’t I?) I thought it would be apropos to point out the similarities between baseball and sex as one ages:

A good young shortstop can go deep in the hole to make a great play that everyone enjoys.  An aging shortstop might still be able to go deep in the hole but he can’t always pull off the great play anymore.

When you are young and versatile you are able to play every position there is.

As you get older you don’t move as well as you used to so you only want to play one position or sometimes two.  Playing every position is too hard but you still get a lot of enjoyment at those one or two positions because you are still in the game.

As a pitcher you can still go the distance when you need to but it’s okay to come on in relief and just make a short appearance.  After all, your fastball still has a lot of movement on it.

As a hitter you can still swing the bat pretty well and you can still hit the long ball.

Sometimes it’s okay to only get to first or second base.  You don’t need to hit a home run every time you get to the plate.

The fans still love to see you play…oops! Wait a minute, I was thinking of an aging stripper.

…And one of the best comparisons of all is that it is a game that can be enjoyed at any age.

(For women the game would be soft ball and I don’t even want to go there.)

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This was sent to me by a friend. It's funny and the timing with the upcoming election made it very
appropriate.

T'was  the night before elections
 And  all through the town
> Tempers  were flaring
> Emotions all up and down
>
> I, in my bathrobe
> With my dog in my lap
> Had cut off the TV
> tired from all the political crap 
>
> When  all of a sudden
> There arose such a noise
> I peered out my window
> And saw Obama and his boys
>
> They  had come for my wallet
> They wanted my pay
> To give to the others
> Who had not worked a day! 
>
> He  snatched up my money
> And quick as a wink
> Jumped  back on his bandwagon
> As I gagged from the stink
>
> He  then rallied his henchmen
> Who  were pulling his cart
> I could tell they were out
> To tear my country apart!
>
> 'On  Fannie, on Freddie,
> On  Biden and Ayers!
> On  Acorn, On Pelosi'
> He  screamed at the pairs!
>
> They took off for his cause
> And as they flew out of sight
> I  heard him laugh at the nation
> That wouldn't stand up and fight!

> So  I leave you to think
> On  this one final note—
> IF  YOU DON'T WANT SOCIALISM
> GET  OUT AND VOTE !!!!
> GOD  BLESS AMERICA , OUR ONLY HOPE!

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This was e-mailed to me  by a friend.   It is both funny and very fitting especially this close to the election:

This one is a little different…Two Different Versions… Two Different Morals

OLD VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE OLD STORY:
Be responsible for yourself!

MODERN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper
and everybody cries when they sing, ‘It’s Not Easy Being Green…’

ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant’s
house where the news stations film the group singing,
We shall overcome.

Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright
has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper’s sake.

President Obama condemns the ant
and blames President Bush, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus , and the Pope for the grasshopper’s plight.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid
exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act
retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having  nothing left to  pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given  to the grasshopper

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading  friends finishing up the last bits of the ants food while the government house he is  in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn’t maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and peaceful, neighborhood.

The entire Nation collapses
bringing the rest of the free world with it.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in2010 and 2012

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Here are some funny observations that were made after seeing what was happening this week in the news:

A recent study found that childhood obesity is linked to a cold virus.  That is especially true if the cold virus is on doughnuts, cookies and French fries.

Joe Biden made another verbal gaffe when he said he’s second in line to be president, but as vice-president he’s actually first in line.  But, as Joe would say, “It’s not a big f___ing deal.”

There is a rumor that Christine O’Donnell is opposed to meat hammers that chef will often use to soften a roast or something like that.  The thing is she is just opposed to anyone beating their meat.

But then there is another rumor about Christine O’Donnell.  She may be getting a little more aggressive about the masturbation thing.  She is changing her campaign slogan to “Forget about masturbation, just go out and get laid.”

People are calling Christine O’Donnell a witch.  It’s not like she’ll be the first one in Washington.  We’ve had Nancy Pelosi and Hillary for quite a while already.

The economy is getting so bad that Lady Gaga was seen recently wearing a dress made out of a combination of spam and liverwurst.

Mel Gibson is in talks about being a guest on ‘Mad Men”.  Talk about type casting.

According to a new theory related in a book about the Titanic, it hit an iceberg because of a steering error.  So apparently, they had Toyota engineers that helped build the Titanic.

…And finally, this is merely an observation and not really a joke but Bill Clinton is hitting the campaign trail for Democrats.  But is that really going to help the Dems?  Bill has almost become a caricature of himself.  I’ll be expecting him to soon be walking around with girls on each arm like Hugh Hefner.  I guess the real joke in this last paragraph is that if Bill Clinton is campaigning for them, the joke is on the Democrats.

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Here are some funny observations based on the news over the last week:

Senate candidate, Christine O’Donnell has come out against masturbation.  This really shocked all the current members of Congress.  They are now hopeful that she doesn’t say something bad about blow jobs and hookers or most of them will no longer have a reason to be in politics at all if that’s the case.

Many of the congressmen were aghast that she brought up the subject at all.  Some of them were wondering if she was including all forms of masturbation like, for example, the kind that Congress is doing to the American public.

Apparently she thought this was a good way to get in touch with the American public and she wanted to make sure they weren’t touching themselves before she got in touch.

The Democrats think to ban masturbation would be a terrible idea.  Why do that when you can tax it.  Just another way to jerk money out of the public’s hands.

Well, I think I’ve pleasured myself enough with these masturbation jokes.  But on a related subject, Tiger Woods has a new book coming out.  I believe it’s called “18 holes per day”.

According to the National Bureau of Economic Research the US has officially emerged from the recession in June of 2009.  Unfortunately they forgot to send that memo to the almost 10 % of the country that is unemployed.

Reportedly, the economists from the National Bureau of Economic Research all got their economics diplomas at K-Mart, Wal-Mart and other fine store where they are apparently sold.  And their research was done at the local bar.  This is a good lesson for the kids when they get to college – your calculators will not work properly if you spill alcohol on them when you are playing drinking games.

…And lastly, this is not news but still an interesting observation.  I was in LA area last week and I saw a banner hanging outside someone’s house that said “Trojans”.  I thought that was a weird place to sell condoms. Then I realized they were just fans of USC.  (But then again I bet the USC football program wishes they had been wearing some protection before they got penalized for the Reggie Bush incident a month ago.)

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Here are some funny observations that were made after watching the news over the last week.

A fugitive drug lord named,”The Barbie”, was captured in Mexico last week.  This is likely to put a real crimp on sales of the Malibu Marijuana Barbie that Mattel was about to release.

A Cincinnati woman had been arrested for simultaneously masturbating with a sex toy and watching a pornographic movie while driving.  Thank god the police got to her before she was able to start texting to her friends about it.

Paris Hilton was arrested for cocaine possession last week.  At first she said it wasn’t her purse with the cocaine.  Later she said she thought the cocaine was gum.  I’ll just bet when she was a young girl her dog used to eat her homework all the time.

Paris will never be mistaken for a bright girl.  To say she was smart would be like saying Congress stood for truth, justice and the American way.

A member of the Obama administration recently tried to take credit for a drop off in illegal immigrants entering the country.  Why would they come here?  Our economy is bad and there is corruption in the government.  That’s what they are trying to get away from.  The only reason they’d come here is because they’d be passing through on their way to Canada.

A plane was forced to land prematurely recently because a woman was scalded by tea.  Come November I believe there will be many Democrats who get scalded by tea as well, or at least by the Tea Party.

Obama has proposed a new jobs program for rebuilding roads, railways and airports.  He’s a little unrealistic though in his hope that it can be finished in time for the November elections.  He was hoping it would make it easier for the incumbents who get voted out to find their way home.

Obama was also heard saying to Joe Biden that a jobs program was needed because they would both be looking for work in a couple years, to which Biden replied, “You got that f___ing right.”

Yesterday was Labor Day but thanks to the stimulus program and many other Obama programs many people were just calling it “another day”.

That 2 year old Indonesian boy who had a 2 pack a day cigarette habit was able to quit by substituting sex every time he had an urge for a cigarette.

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In honor of Labor day here are some signs that were found at businesses where they apparently had a sense of humor:

Business Signs and A Few Chuckles

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
“We’re #1 in the #2 business.”
**************************
Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
**************************
At a Proctologist’s door
“To expedite your visit please back in.”
**************************
On a Plumber’s truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”
**************************
On a Plumber’s truck:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
**************************
Pizza Shop Slogan:
“7 days without pizza makes one weak.”
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”
**************************
On a Plastic Surgeon’s Office door:
“Hello. Can we pick your nose?”
**************************
At a Towing company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”
**************************
On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”
**************************
At an Optometrist’s Office
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
**************************
On a Taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”
**************************
In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”
**************************
On a Fence:
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.”
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
**************************
In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
**************************
At the Electric Company:
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don’t, you will be.”
*************************
In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.”
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait..”
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
“Tank heaven for little grills.”
*************************
And don’t forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”

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In honor of the school season getting back into full swing here are some school jokes I found on the Internet:

Back to School Joke:

Summer vacation was over and Little Johnny returned back to school.

Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.

“Wait a minute,” she said. “I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved!; couldn’t you show me the same courtesy?”
LETTERMAN’S

Top Ten Signs You Are Headed For Summer School

10. You failed the Pledge of Allegiance

9. You take notes with the eraser end of the pencil

8. You identify more than half of the state capitals as “Funkytown”

7. Principal’s final words before summer break: “See you tomorrow”

6. For your civics class project, you brought in several photos of Honda Civics

5. Whenever you enter the room, your family stops talking about Disneyland

4. Your history report was on President Martin Sheen

3. In your physics final, you keep referring to “gravity” as “gravy”

2. Latest report card includes several G’s

1. You threw a phone at the principal
Teacher Circulation Joke

A well-intentioned teacher was giving a lesson on blood circulation. Trying to make the matter clear, she explains, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”

“Yes,” responds the class.

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”

The answer then comes from the back of the class, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”
One for all those that hate math class:

Math is like love; a simple idea, but it can get complicated.

Not really a school joke, but we’ll call it a history lesson:

Over five thousand years ago,  Moses said to the children of Israel ”
pick up your shovel, mount your asses  and camels, and I will lead you to
the promised land”.

Nearly 75 years  ago, Roosevelt said, “Lay down your shovels, sit on
your asses, and light up  a camel, this is the promised land”.

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of
camels, and mortgaged the promised land.

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