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(I have seen these passed around several times over the last few years and I get a big laugh out of it each time so I thought I’d post it here on my site today.)

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.

He was a tall as a six foot three inch tree.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

“Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a really duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.

He was deeply in love when she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.

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Here are some funny quotes from movies. Some I was familiar with and some I never heard of:

“To make honey. Young bee need young flower…Not old prune. ”
Karate Kid

“I don’t know if my wife left me because of my drinking or I started drinking ’cause my wife left me.”
Leaving Las Vegas

“That’s nice talk, Ben – keep drinking. Between the 101-proof breath and the occasional bits of drool, some interesting words come out.”
Leaving Las Vegas

“My job requires mostly masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men’s room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that less closely resembles Hell.”
American Beauty

“Hey, don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.”
Annie Hall

“I love the smell of napalm in the morning.”
Apocalypse Now

“I may be bad…but I feel gooood.”
Army of Darkness

“When you first entered the restaurant, I thought you were handsome… and then, of course, you spoke.’
As Good As It Gets

“When I ask for sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads, I expect sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads!”
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

“Do you think if we changed the Bible stories maybe you would get people more easily to relate to them? Instead of the fish story you could do it about Sushi, or instead of giving out bread you did something which had a no-carb alternative or gluten free.”
Bruno

“When a man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher’s knife and a hard-on, I figure he isn’t out collecting for the Red Cross!”
Dirty Harry

“What an excellent day for an exorcism.”
The Exorcist

Bond: You’re not my type.
Girl: Why, cause I have half a brain?
Bond: No, cause you’re single.
James Bond-Casino Royal

“I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.”
Manhattan

“He’s not the messiah. He’s a very naughty Boy.”
Monty Python-Life of brian

“I never listen to you when you’re being morbid.”
A Streetcar Named Desire

“What are you going to do for an encore? Walk on water?”
The Wedding Crashers

“How bout I answer your question with another question; how many abo-digitals do you see modelling?”
Zoolander

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Here are some funny quotes about women and some of them are even by women.  I don’t know who said these quotes, they are all unknown:

If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

From 40 feet away she looked like a lot of class. From 15 feet away she looked like something made up to be seen from 40 feet away.

I love women. They’re the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that’s fine.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s – That’s because she changes it more often.

No man knows more about women than I do, and I know nothing.

I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.

When a woman behaves like a man, why doesn’t she behave like a nice man?

Despite my thirty years of research into the woman soul, I have not yet been able to answer the great question that has never been answered: What does a woman want?

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?

Women should have labels on their foreheads saying, ‘Government Health Warning: women can seriously damage your brains, current account, confidence, and good standing among your friends’.

What is better than wisdom? Woman. And what is better than a good woman? Nothing.

A woman knows how to keep quiet when she is in the right, whereas a man, when he is in the right, will keep on talking.

Woman is a miracle of divine contradictions.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

A woman is like a tea bag. She only knows her strength when put in hot water.

Women are an alien race set down among us.

Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good? Luckily, this is not difficult.

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

If a woman insists on being called Ms, ask her if it stands for miserable.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

There’s two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time…they’re gone.

As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.

Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilt and I’ll show you a man.

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

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Here are some of David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Letting Your Monkey Get Married

10 “Where can I hire a monkey rabbi?”

9 “Should he get a prenup to protect his bananas?”

8 “Do I get along with the monkeys-in-law?”

7 “Band or DJ?” (Important question for any wedding)

6 “Will I mind the newspaper headlines referring to me as ‘local freak?’”

5 “Can the bride’s father pay for the wedding on his circus pension?”

4 “Am I ready to attend the creepiest bachelor party of my life?”

3 “When did my life turn into a Kevin James movie?”

2 “Would he rather go to New York and have a gay monkey marriage?”

1 “Does Men’s Wearhouse rent urine-proof tuxedos?”

Top Ten Thoughts of a Guy Stuck in a Manhole

10 “I’m suing the city for not idiot-proofing these things”

9 “Hey, Chilean Miners!”

8 “A rat just took my Discover card”

7 “Save me, Captain America!”

6 “This is how Orson Welles died”

5 “I think I found Ayman al-Zawahiri”

4 “What? No WiFi? What is this, Russia?”

3 “At least no one can see me”

2 “Where did my life go wrong?”

1 “First I get fired from ‘Two and a Half Men,’ and now this?”

Top Ten Ways Barack Obama Can Win Over The Republicans

10 Show up to next meeting in a Captain America uniform

9 Burn everyone a really cool mix CD

8 Bribe them with free tickets to a “Larry the Cable Guy” show

7 Raise the debt ceiling, but do it with a fun sound effect

6 Do something about the heat

5 Swap places with another guy named Barack Obama — hey, don’t miss the new reality show “Same Name” Sundays at 9:00 p.m. on CBS!

4 Put Chuck Norris on the nickel

3 Like I’m the right guy to ask for advice on winning people over

2 Don’t be such a poor sport when they call him a socialist, foreign-born, radical Muslim who’s trying to destroy America

1 Kill bin Laden again

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Here are some of David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Signs You’re Too Hot

10 You were just named People Magazine’s “Sweatiest Man Alive”

9 For you, business casual means a necktie and underpants

8 You begged Rupert Murdoch to hack into a Dairy Queen

7 You were caught texting photos of your heat rash

6 Your sunburns have sunburns: Kids, remember, Dave says wear sunscreen

5 Your baby daughter’s first word: “clammy”

4 Your sweat is sweating — Kids, remember, Dave says drink plenty of liquids

3 Instead of the maid, you’re spending time with the pool boy (Schwarzenegger only)

2 Every now and then your butt sizzles and smells like bacon

1 You sit through a taping of the “Late Show” just for the air conditioning

Top Ten Surprising Facts About the Moon Landing

10 Was filmed on the same soundstage where they shot “Green Acres”

9 Due to mapping error, initially landed in Moon Valley, Wisconsin

8 They returned to the moon a week later because one of the astronauts dropped his car keys

7 The astronauts each earned 2 million frequent flyer miles

6 Buzz Aldrin stuffed his space suit to make himself look bigger

5 Crew came to blows over who finished the freeze-dried lasagna

4 Astronauts were charged extra for not returning the capsule with a full tank of gas

3 Landed within 50 feet of a Starbucks

2 President Nixon missed the landing because he was watching “Ironside”

1 Neil Armstrong was also the first man on Mrs. Armstrong

Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Rupert Murdoch’s Mind During the Pie Attack

10 “Hey, free pie!”

9 “This would have made a great cover for ‘News of the World’”

8 “How did he get past the pie detector?”

7 “A pie fight in Parliament — what is this, Benny Hill?”

6 “Duh, winning?”

5 “I was Punk’d — wait is Punk’d still on the air? Who writes this stuff?”

4 “Mmmm tasty”

3 “You know what was funny — remember that smoking baby?”

2 “Don’t pie me, bro!”

1 “It’s the same guy who broke into Letterman’s theater”
Top Ten Pieces of Wisdom From Dave’s Mom

10 Paying taxes is for losers

9 Neighbor’s stereo too loud? Cut his power lines

8 If you’re going to vandalize the Ed Sullivan Theater, disable the security cameras first

7 Whenever Regis calls, pretend your hearing aid is on the blink

6 If you catch a player’s 3,000th hit, sell the ball and buy a Corvette

5 Always tip the dealer

4 No one cares how you feel

3 There’s big money in black market cigarettes

2 Never bring a stun gun onboard an airplane

1 Tell your son his show is great, even if you prefer Leno, Kimmel, Stewart, Colbert, Conan, Fallon, Ferguson, and Lopez

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This is something that someone sent me that is really funny about what kids think they hear when they
are in church and what they say as a result:
KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.' 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.' 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.' 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.' 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson..
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !' 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand..
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A wife invited some people to dinner..
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Here are some funny observations made after keeping an eye on the current events over the past week:

Gary Busey said that if Donald Trump runs for president he wants to be the vice president.  And I guess they would make Charlie Sheen in charge of the Food and Drug Administration.

Joe Biden was caught nodding off during Obama’s speech on the budget.  Later on he said, “It’s not a big F___ing deal, he’s not going to do anything he promised to do anyway.”

The Fed reports that the economy is continuing to improve.  They are apparently grading  that improvement on a very steep curve.

Paris Hilton has a new reality show coming out and she was quoted as saying, “I’m ready to show myself.”  I thought she already did that when she did that sex video a few years ago.

Kobe Bryant is trying very hard to make amends for his slur against gays.  He’s apologized several times and now he has even agreed to be on an episode of Glee.

There is a “Naked” pool opening in Las Vegas.  Upon hearing the news Bill Clinton immediately booked a flight to Las Vegas.

In Tennessee a teacher was suspended for ordering her class to taunt a student for being messy by making an oinking sound at him.  She was desperate and had already tried everything else, including telling him that “no teacher was going to want to have sex with such a messy boy.”  Even that didn’t work.

Archeologists claim to have found the first gay caveman.  How would they know this you may wonder?  But then it all made sense.  The drawings he was making on his cave were very much like a recent episode of Glee.

The day taxes were due this year was April 18^th rather than the normal 15^th because of an obscure holiday celebrated only in Washington D.C.  I think it was called “Congress needs 3 more days to figure out how congressmen don’t have to pay their taxes holiday.”

Red-faced zookeepers in Latvia have realized after 20 years that their prized male hippo … isn’t male.  They discovered this when they found her putting on make-up in the ladies room.

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Here are some funny observations from watching the news and seeing the currents events over the last week:

The TSA pat-down guys want to unionize.  They will be in the same union as the girls who do massages with a happy ending.

Michelle Obama has been on the campaign to reduce childhood obesity now for one year.  The program is called Let’s Move!”  The Secret Service code word for the program is called Humpty Dumpty.

In a small town in Kentucky a dog was elected mayor.  That’s very unusual.  Usually when we think of politicians being an animal it’s more like a jackass or weasel.

An Italian couple was accused of using a stick of butter as a murder weapon.  There are even more discreet methods for murder than that one.  For example, no one even knows how many people Al Gore has killed by boring them to death.

Christina Aguilera’s divorce details are coming out.  Apparently, her husband is still holding a grudge because when she said her wedding vows she accidentally said his name wrong.

President Obama unveiled his new $3.73 trillion spending plan.  It would have even been higher but he took new hair plugs for Joe Biden out of the budget.

Barbie and Ken dolls just spent their 43^rd Valentine’s Day together.  In fact, Ken is getting so old he had to contact the Obama administration to see if they could give him any advice on a stimulus plan.  He said after 43 years together it’s just not that easy to get stimulated anymore.

Valentine’s Day was also National Condom Day.  To me that sounds like a bigger cover-up going on than Nixon had with Watergate, which was also about covering up a Dick.

There was a report this week that Apple is working on a cheaper iPhone.  I’d just like to see them work on an iPhone that can make and receive calls.

Starbucks is jumping into the market for single service coffee machines like the Keurig K-cup brewing system.  For men, it would be a lot more appealing if it was a D-cup.

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Here is are various jokes and humor for Valentine’s Day that was sent to me or I found:

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight,” he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it–only to find a book entitled “The meaning of dreams”.

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine’s Day night and sees a beautiful woman at the bar. After a long struggle with his shyness, he finally managed to walk over to her and asked her politely, “Um, would you mind if I give you company?” She made a furious face and yelled at the top of her lungs, “How dare you asked me to sleep with you tonight?” Everyone in the pub started staring at the man who was completely embarrassed. After a few minutes, woman walked over to him and apologized – “You see I am a student of psychology and studying how people respond to embarrassing situations. I am sorry but I was just doing my experiment!” The young man suddenly gave a loud yell, “What do you mean $200?”

Here’s a list of what NOT to give her for Valentines Day:
1.  A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the carmel ones.
2.  Lingerie that you think will look almost as good on her as on the Victoria’s Secret model.
3.  Any clothing item with the words “push-up” or “slim-down” on the label.
4.  Any food item with the words “diet”, “light”,  or “high fiber” on the label.
5.  Any video starring Sylvester Stallone, Jim Carrey, or Jenna Jameson.
6.  Flowers from a hospital’s gift shop–or worse, a mortuary’s.
7.  Poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts out “There was once a girl from Nantucket…”
8.  Anything you ever gave another woman, including your mother.
9.  Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
10.  A gift certificate.
11.  Cash.
12.  Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn’t.
13.  An apologetic look and the words “That was today?”

Valentine’s Day Scorecard for Guys—  How did you rate?

1) SIMPLE DUTIES
You go out to buy her flowers: +5
But return with beer: -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It’s her cat: -10

2) SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany has implants: -8

3) SATURDAY AFTERNOONS
You visit her parents: +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3
And the television is off: -6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6
And you didn’t even go to college: -10
And it’s not really your underwear: -15

4) HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar: +1
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night: -3
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
You give her a gift: 0
You give her a gift, and it’s a small appliance: -10
You give her a gift, and it’s not a small appliance: +1
You give her a gift, and it isn’t chocolate: +2
You give her a gift that you’ll be paying off for months: +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
With her credit card: -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40

5) THOUGHTFULNESS
You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25
Which is in Detroit: -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

6) A NIGHT OUT WITH YOUR PALS
You have a few beers: -9
For every beer after three, -2 again
And miss curfew by an hour: -12
You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
And not wearing any pants: -40
Is that a tattoo? -200

7) A NIGHT OUT, JUST THE TWO OF YOU
You go see a comic: +2
He’s crude and sexist: -2
You laugh: -5
You laugh too much: -10
She’s not laughing: -15
You laugh harder: -25

DRIVING
You lose the directions on a trip: -4
You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals: -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60

9) COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk, you listen, displaying a concerned expression:+20
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television:+10
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep: -10

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