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Every now and again it’s fun to take an optimistic view of things and look to see how things can always be worse than you think they are.  Here are some examples:

It could be worse, you be Tony Hayward, the deposed CEO of BP, and you are finally getting your life back as you had publicly wished for and then you discover that your life actually kind of sucks because you were such an ass in the first place.

It could be worse, you could be a new girl friend of Mel Gibson and you never told him that you are Jewish.

It could be worse, you could be ex-governor Blagojevich and your attorney at your trial suggested you don’t testify in court because your hairdo is so weird he thinks it could cloud the judgment of the jury.

It could be worse, you could be Levi Johnston and just get word that you were hired to star in a new music video and your future mother-in-law, Sarah Palin, gets a gleam in her eye when she asks when the shooting starts and you get a terrible feeling that she’s not talking about just the video.

It could be worse, you could be the Burger King mascot and find out that your girlfriend is no longer interested in your Whopper because she is now seeing Ronald McDonald.

It could be worse, you could be Tiger Woods struggling to get your old swing back…plus your golf game currently sucks as well.

It could be worse, you could be a guy wearing your Speedos at the beach and as you come out of the ocean, due to shrinkage from the cold water , the snickers you hear are louder than the roar of the ocean.

It could be worse, you could be Harry Reid and be so boring that you would lose a politician’s charisma contest with Al Gore.

After comparing your life to these people if you are not feeling better about yourself e-mail me with your life situation because you will be a candidate to be in the next episode of “it could be worse.”

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Here are some jokes from JC, and in the world of comedy that would be Johnny Carson:

We’re more effective than birth control pills.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

If it weren’t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we’d still be eating frozen radio dinners.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

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Here are some jokes by comedian Dick Gregory, who was very popular back in the 60’s and 70’s:

Hell hath no fury like a liberal scorned.

I am really enjoying the new Martin Luther King Jr stamp – just think about all those white bigots, licking the backside of a black man.

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that.

I wouldn’t mind paying taxes – if I knew they were going to a friendly country.

If it wasn’t for Abe Lincoln, I’d still be on the open market.

In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a right and a duty, but in Chicago it’s a sport.

Just being a Negro doesn’t qualify you to understand the race situation any more than being sick makes you an expert on medicine.

Political promises are much like marriage vows. They are made at the beginning of the relationship between candidate and voter, but are quickly forgotten.

We used to root for the Indians against the cavalry, because we didn’t think it was fair in the history books that when the cavalry won it was a great victory, and when the Indians won it was a massacre.

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.

You know why Madison Avenue advertising has never done well in Harlem? We’re the only ones who know what it means to be Brand X.

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Here are some more jokes from Chris Rock, (I had posted some on Monday) a very funny guy:

You don’t pay taxes. They take taxes.

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

A black C student can’t do shit with his life. A black C student can’t be a manager at Burger King, meanwhile a white C student just happens to be the President of the United States.

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

Have you been watching American Idol? They have Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul judgin’ the singin. Paula Abdul?! Gettin’ Paula Abdul to judge a singin’ contest is like gettin’ Christopher Reeve to judge a dance contest!

You won’t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.

I don’t get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there’s no rehab for stupidity.

That s**t wasn’t about race. That s**t was about fame. If O.J. wasn’t famous he’d be in jail right now. If O.J. drove a bus, he wouldn’t even be O.J. He’d be Orenthal the bus driving murderer.

If a woman tells you she’s 20 and looks 16, she’s 12. If she tells you she’s 26 and looks 26, she’s damn near 40.

Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn’t even the star of his own Halloween special.

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Yeah, I love being famous. It’s almost like being white, y’know?

Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don’t want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I’m talking about. Every club you go into, there’s always some old guy. He ain’t really old, just a little too old to be in the club.

Men want three things in life. Food, sex, and silence. So feed me, f**k me and shut the f**k up!

They don’t want you to vote. If they did, we wouldn’t vote on a Tuesday. In November. You ever throw a party on a Tuesday? No. Because nobody would come.

The only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they’re not mad they lost. Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won an Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance. I was like, “If you’d done that in the movie, you’d have won an Oscar, girl!”

You know the worst thing about n****rs? N****rs always want credit for some s**t they supposed to do. A n****r will brag about some s**t a normal man just does. A n****r will say some s**t like, “I take care of my kids.” You’re supposed to, you dumb motherf**ker! What kind of ignorant s**t is that?! “I ain’t never been to jail!” What do you want, a cookie?! You’re not supposed to go to jail, you low-expectation-having motherf**ker!

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This is the continuing feature run on darnfunnyonline where we like to make the observation how things could always be worse, no matter how bad they seem right now:

It could be worse, you could be an incumbent congressman in November.

It could be worse, you could be a robber and decide to rob a donut shop filled with policeman.

It could be worse, you could be a person who does not think, therefore, you are not.

It could be worse, you could be a fish at the end of a fisherman’s line instead of a fish in the Gulf of Mexico where you have the option to swim away.

It could be worse, in the body sizes of life, you could be a size that even Starbucks hasn’t invented yet.

It could be worse, you could be a high fructose corn syrup product in the hands of a fat guy.

It could be worse, you could be one of the plans the A-Team had that never came together.

It coud be worse, you could be a new lobbyist and the very first congressman you try to bribe turns out to be the very first honest congressman.

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Here are some funny jokes from the very popular comedian, Chris Rock:

I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter, hold onto their mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass, I can see old ladies on the phone. They’ve already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for me to do something wrong.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to
go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are namedBush, Dick, andColon. Need I say more?

Ever see a list of the richest black people in the country? Oprah’s on there. Cosby. Michael Jordon. Magic Johnson. Tiger Woods. Movie stars. But you can’t get past number eight without running across a brother who just hit the Lotto jackpot last week.

Bush lied to me. They all lied to me. “We gotta go to Iraq because they’re the most dangerous country on Earth, they’re the most dangerous regime in the world.” If they so dangerous, how come it only took two weeks to take over the whole f***ing country? S**t. Man, you couldn’t take over Baltimore in two weeks.

My mother is the kind of woman you don’t want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She has coupons for coupons.

My mother was real cheap. Okay, practical. She would never pay a bill on time. “If they ain’t cutting it off, I ain’t paying.” She would say, “The first bill is a suggestion. If they really want you to pay it, then they’ll come and tap on your window.” Her whole philosphy of life was: if you die owing money, then you’ve won.

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost $5,000. Because if a bullet cost $5,000, we wouldn’t have any innocent bystanders. That’d be it. Every time someone gets shot, people will be like, ”Damn, he must have did something. S**t, they put $20,000 worth of bullets in his ass.” People would think before they killed somebody, if a bullet cost $5,000. ”Man, l would blow your f**king head off, if l could afford it. l’m gonna get me another job, l’m gonna start saving some money, and you’re a dead man! You better hope l can’t get no bullets on layaway.” So even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you won’t have to go to no doctor
to get it taken out. Whoever shot you would take their bullet back. ”l believe you got my property.”

People are starving all over the world, what do you mean, “Red meat will kill you”? Don’t eat no red meat? No, don’t eat no green meat! If you’re one of the chosen few people in the world lucky enough to get your hands on a steak, bite the s**t out of it!

The only thing I know about Africa is that it’s far, far away. About a thirty-five hour flight. The boat ride’s so long, there are still slaves on their way here.

We got so much food in America we’re allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain’t allergic to s**t. You think anyone in Rwanda’s got a f**king lactose intolerance?!

White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says “gun”? Congressional hearing.

Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population, and 90% of the Final Four.

A man is only as faithful as his options.

I mean, they don’t grade fathers. But if your daughter’s a stripper, you f***ed up.

A white boy that makes C’s in college can make it to the White House.

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Here are some funny observations (aka jokes) that are based on this week’s news:

A spokesman for BP said at a press conference that BP was going to take full responsibility for the oil spill then he added, “Hey, what is the deal with Goldman Sachs, can you believe what they did to the economy?  What’s up with that?”

There are now allegations that Michael Jackson was gay.  I don’t know about that but I heard he was seriously considering becoming a Catholic priest.

A holy man in India is claiming to have gone the last 70 years without food or water.  I think someone needs to tell him that there is white cloth wrapped around his body because he is a mummy and he has been dead for 70 years.  If the kid from “The Sixth Sense” was there he’d be saying, “I see dead people,” to him.

The SEC is investigating the recent unusual trading activity in the stock market in the last few days.  They said they are going to get to the bottom of this.  Luckily, since many of their executives have been accused of looking at porn on the job they are used to investigating many bottoms.

A recent survey showed that people 45 and older were dissatisfied with their sex lives.  Of course, this was mostly men who had recently read about Tiger Woods’ exploits.

Ben Bernake spoke to graduates of the University of South Carolina and told them that money can’t buy happiness.  I think the unspoken message here was that as long as there was a Fed and he was running it you aren’t very likely to have any money.

Elena Kagen, the Solicitor General, was nominated to the Supreme Court by Obama.  I never heard of the Solicitor General post.  What does it do?  It sounds like she just makes sales calls to people about nothing in particular.  If she makes a decision in the Supreme Court is she going to be calling people to get their opinion about how to vote?

…and finally, with all the news about Greece lately, former president Bush was heard asking Laura Bush, “What do you call a person from Greece, a Greaser?”

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Here are some funny quotes from author/comedian Robert Benchly.  He died in 1945 which goes to show you comedy is timeless.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated.

A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death.

After an author has been dead for some time, it becomes increasingly difficult for his publishers to get a new book out of him each year.

Behind every argument is someone’s ignorance.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it’s compounding a felony.

Great literature must spring from an upheaval in the author’s soul. If that upheaval is not present then it must come from the works of any other author which happens to be handy and easily adapted.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

I know I’m drinking myself to a slow death, but then I’m in no hurry.

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by that time I was too famous.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

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As we get closer to the dreaded income tax season I thought this might be a good time for some tax jokes from the past few years from the late night comedians.

“65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse. The other 35% were women.” –Jay Leno

“This week, President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney released their tax returns. Cheney made more money than the president. When asked about it, the president said, ‘That’s true, but he also made more decisions.’” —Conan O’Brien

“The IRS said today anyone with a refund coming from their 2001 taxes will lose it if they don’t pick it up by April 15th. If it is more then three years they will just keep it. How come it doesn’t work that way with back taxes?” —Jay Leno

“We ought to thank President Obama. He made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year.” —Jay Leno

“Earlier today, the White House released President Bush’s tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq.” —Conan O’Brien

“President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off.” —Jay Leno

“Technically, you’re not paying taxes. According to the Bush administration, your bank account is being liberated.” —Jay Leno

“Today the IRS gave some guidelines on how to avoid getting audited. Number one, don’t list deductions that will raise a red flag. Number two, make sure you file on time. Number three, don’t make any stupid anti-war speech at the Academy Awards.” —Jay Leno

“The IRS now says you can deduct weight loss plans off your taxes. You can write it off because the government has officially declared obesity a disease. And it’s a disease, you can deduct medical expenses. That shows what a difference an administration can make. See under Bush, obesity is a disease. Under Clinton it was just sexy.” —Jay Leno

“At last night’s debate, Democrats attacked President Bush saying his tax cuts for the rich bankrupt the middle class. And Bush said ‘Hey, thanks for the new slogan.’” —Craig Kilborn

“Yesterday the IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you’re allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents.” —Conan O’Brien

“I hate to be the one to remind you, but just pretty soon it is going to be April 15th, it is going to be tax time. You know what I am saying? Are you ready? Well you know when something like this happens New Yorkers always try to put the best face they can on a situation. For example the hookers in Times Square, for an extra $50 they will handle your extension.” —David Letterman

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Here is some technology humor that all you addicted texters may identify with.

These days people who text a lot often complain about sore fingers and thumbs.  Talk about karma, it was these same people who 30 years ago caused bullies on the playground to get sore fingers from giving the current texters  so many noogies.

The real reason Tiger Woods had to take off from the golf tour is not to get sex addiction counseling.  He needed time for his fingers to recover from all the texting he was doing to the cocktail waitresses, hookers and porn stars that he was seeing.

Many people with lap tops are complaining of sore necks and backs from straining to see their laptops, very similar to members of the Obama administration straining to see results from anything they’ve done in the last year.

Construction workers are planning to have a pity party for all the people complaining of their injuries from texting.

“Text thumb” and BlackBerry neck” injuries are getting so prominent that some people are considering using their cell phones to actually talk out loud to people.

….and finally, on another note, there has been a recent uproar about debarking of dogs, a procedure in dogs where the vocal cords are cut out so they can’t bark.  People are saying it is inhumane for dogs but many feel for Congress it could be a really productive procedure.

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