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Appropriate to the Christmas season here are a few of David Letterman’s top Ten Christmas Lists: TOP TEN ELF COMPLAINTS 10. Bells on clothing target for jeers at truck stops 9. Need two pieces of I.D. to buy beer 8. Santa’s union-busting goons killed a guy last spring 7. Black elves control...

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Obama and the Christmas Spirit Repeated from Last Year

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 06-12-2012

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(I wrote this article last year around this time…Hmmm, if only it had come true.)

President Obama apparently got a visit from the ghost of Christmas future, which made him realize the right thing to do was to give a gift to all the poor children whose parents make more than $250,000 a year.  Of course, the Democrats may assert that he got a visit from the Devil, but it’s all a matter of perspective.

Instead of seeing a grave site in his future like Scrooge saw in the classic Dickens tale, Obama saw himself sitting in a retirement chair in 2012, which to a power hungry politician is the same as a grave site.

I’m guessing it went something like the following.  When Obama got the visit from the ghost of Christmas future, who he dreaded the most of all the Christmas spirits, he first saw Hillary Clinton haggling over his belongings while she was preparing to run for election in 2012.

Next the ghost of Christmas future took him to see “tiny” Joe Biden.  He was “tiny” not because he was short in physical stature but short or “tiny” in his ability to think and talk at the same time.  He got to view a conversation from the future:

Tiny Joe:  Hi, Mr. President, how the f___ are you?  Why so glum?

Obama:  I just lost the primary, to Hillary Clinton of all people.  I thought I had her bought off with that Secretary of State post.

Tiny Joe:  Oh well, It’s not a big f___ing deal.  We had four years.  Our time is passed.  Hey, I know, we can blame Bush for not getting re-elected.

Obama:  It is a big deal, you idiot.  We almost had the whole country turned communist.  Now, I won’t be able to make it happen.

Tiny Joe shrugs and walks off.  The ghost of Christmas future and Obama fast forward to a room where they see Tiny Joe’s head soaking in a jar of formaldehyde.

Obama:  What happened to him?

Ghost:  You shot him after the last scene we just saw and now they are studying his brain to try to figure out how someone so stupid could advance so far in the political scene.  You spent the rest of your life in prison, where you lobbied for prisoners to get free cigarettes from the government.

Obama:  Hmmm…Still, I did get to shoot Biden, so every cloud does have a silver lining.

They fast forward to a new scene.  Obama walks into Ben Bernake’s office:

Obama:  Hi Uncle Ben.  Even though I’m not going to be President anymore will you still be able to print money for me any time I want it.

Bernake shakes the shackles that father time has pinned him with due to all his financial transgressions and he shouts at the top of his lungs:

Ben:  No, you moron, not another dime for you.  I’m going to have to fake another bailout to the big companies so they force their employees and unions to vote for Hillary.  Yeah, she’s a bitch, but at least she’s not a Republican.

Obama wakes up and finds himself in the Lincoln Room of the White House.  He sees the ghost of Lincoln staring him in the face.

Obama:  Abe is it really you?

Lincoln:  (Sarcastically) No, I’m that commie Franklin D. Roosevelt?  Of course, I’m Abe.  But if you don’t straighten up your act you’re going to end up here with us other presidential ghosts and you’ll be treated just like we all treat Roosevelt.  Nobody likes him very much, not even Truman.

Obama:  What should I do Abe?

Lincoln:  Work with the Republican’s for starters.

Obama:  I will, Abe, I will.

Obama ran out of the room and he was true to his word.  He did work with the Republicans, at least to the degree that he thought it would get him re-elected.

darnfunnyonline.com

The Economy and the Three Stooges

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 18-10-2012

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(I originally wrote this over a year ago but it is just as appropriate today so I’m posting it again.)

I hate to do this to the Three Stooges, who are actually respected in their field, that being slap-stick comedy, but I’m going to have to compare the Obama administration’s handling of the economy to the Three Stooges.  My apologies to the original Stooges because I’m sure they would do a better job of handling the economy than the current stooges are doing.

President Obama would be Moe, Timothy Geithner would be Larry and I’ve anointed Bernanke as Curly just because he is bald and I can imagine him lying on the floor running in a circle yelling, “Moe, Larry, cheese.  Moe, Larry, cheese,” every time he has an uncontrollable urge for cheese.  (Or in this case the cheese would be a stimulus.)  Of course, Joe Biden would be Shemp because he just never fit in and no one really ever liked that guy.

I can just hear one of the meetings with the three of them in the Oval Office:

Obama (as Moe):  Okay, you knuckleheads, what do you think about another one of those Quantitative Easings?

Geithner (as Larry):  I don’t know, this is the 20th one, they don’t seem to be working anymore.

Obama (as Moe) to Bernanke (as Curly): What do you think? Should we do it?

Bernanke (as Curly):  Why Soitenly!  Ynuk, ynuk, ynuk.

Then after it fails again for the 20th time Obama and Geithner are in the Oval Office putting the blame on Bernanke by Geithner pulling on Bernanke’s ear with a wrench, while Obama is lifting Bernanke by the nose with a crow bar.

It’s something to marvel at that Moe, who was always so angry, would still probably pull better poll marks that Obama does today.  And that is because if Moe were here now and he saw what Obama was doing he’d call him a knucklehead and give him a double poke in the eyes and everybody would probably cheer for him.

Moe did always have a habit of acting tough but when there was any real danger he would run away with the other Stooges which is why Obama is the perfect modern day Moe.  What he was essentially saying to Congress about the debt ceiling and raising taxes was, “Why I oughta…”  And then when things got tough he and the other stooges turned and ran away as they were heard to say, “yneh, yneh, yneh…”

Here is another scenario from the Oval Office Back from when the major banks were about to go bankrupt:

Obama (as Moe):  What are we going to do now?

Geithner (as Larry):  It’s just too big to fail.

Obama (as Moe):  We’re not talking about your head, you know.

Bernanke (as Curly):  I think he’s right.  We should drop money from helicopters if we have to. (Steve’s note:  Sadly, that really does sound like something the Three Stooges would say rather than the guy in charge of the Fed, but he actually did say those words.)

Obama (as Moe):  Okay, you knuckleheads better be right or you’re in big trouble.

Months later, after their bailout failed miserably, there is a lot of eye gouging and hitting in the head… you can imagine that scene if you’ve ever seen the Three Stooges.

Obama, Geithner and Bernanke are constantly telling us they have the answers to fix the economy and each time it gets worse.  Bernanke claims to be an expert and a student of the Depression but if the three of them became more expert on the Three Stooges instead, our economy would probably be in a lot better shape right now.  Luckily, everybody already ignores Shemp (Biden) anyway.

darnfunnyonline.com

The Relationship Between Trading Stocks and Sex

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 30-08-2012

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I am getting back into stock trading after a three and a half year hiatus for various reasons.  In studying the terminology I have to admit I am getting very excited.  Oh yeah, for the excitement of trading, too, but I was talking about the terms making me horny.

Let me give you an example.  The wider the spread the deeper the penetration you are likely to get with the movement going up and down…What??  Okay, confession time, while those are all legitimate words and phrases used in trading, the way I worded them really doesn’t make much sense as far as trading goes, (maybe a little if you use your imagination, and I did!) but they sure do make sense in sex!…Hey, don’t judge me!  I don’t have a girlfriend and talking about sex is as close I can get to getting it.

I have previously written an article about the “Similarities Between Basketball and Sex” and another entitled “Baseball and Sex are Very Similar.” Now I’m writing this one and since football season is almost here I was planning on showing how football and sex are intertwined…Really, I’m not obsessed.  (But, man, I gotta get a girlfriend!)

Seriously, though, here are some more examples that show the relationship between stock trading and sex or relationships, men and women, etc. :

Going short or long in trading has its own meaning.  In sex it has a meaning too, for the man and with obvious ramifications for the woman as well.  When you are short a stock you get out whenever it best suits your purposes.  When you are short in sex sometimes it would be hard to tell if you even got in.

In trading, a day order is an order that is good to be filled anytime within that day.  A day order in a relationship is whatever the wife tells the husband to do whenever she sees him relaxing and enjoying himself.

In reading a stock graph a strong indicator that a move is about to occur is a double bottom.  In sex, think of a big butt or as it was referred to in the rap song, Baby got Back, a “juicy double.”

A double top is also an indicator of a strong move about to take place.  In sex, think of someone like Dolly Parton.

Another stock term is filling the gap.  In sex, that is not always possible if you are dealing with someone who is short.  (Refer to previous paragraph on long and short.)

Getting filled….Ditto on the above paragraph.

Market depth…Again, it has to do with if you are short or long.

Another stock term, overbought…In sex, it means he paid more than he had to for the jewelry he bought to get her in the mood.

And finally, in stocks, a shallow market…In sex, it would refer to me being shallow for writing this article.

Whew!  I don’t know about you, I’m not even a smoker, but after writing this I feel like a need a cigarette.

darnfunnyonline.com

Men and Women are Different

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 12-07-2012

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(This is an article I wrote about 2 1/2 years ago for the web site and I’m re-posting it today.)

What man, when he hears his spouse say, “We need to talk,” hasn’t occasionally wished that he had become a monk?  The sex life would not be so good but that vow of silence thing would really come in handy at a time like that.

Let’s face it, men and women are actually very different!  I have to admit (begrudgingly) that men may have a few quirks of their own.  Some people (if that person is a woman) might assume that women are actually superior.  (Note to all men: that’s not what I believe. I was forced at gunpoint to say this by a group of crazed women who have read some of my previous writings.)

Men can sometimes get so consumed in their work that when they are not working they have trouble differentiating the rest of life from work.  For example, Tiger Woods spends his work day trying to get it into the hole, and apparently, when he gets off work he’s still trying to do the same thing.

Yes, men are an anomaly.  Through the ages they have willingly gone to war but if you ask them to go shopping they’ll get a look of horror similar to the look you’d get from Bill Clinton if you told him he could only have sex with Hillary for the rest of his life.

In men’s defense though, the shopping thing is genetic.  That’s why at conception female chromosomes are designated as “X” and men as “Y”.  It’s a logical thing (obviously developed by a man) because when females are old enough to open a map they are Xing off the locations of all the malls and the males get the “Y” because when they see them doing that they ask, “why are they doing that?”

Men do seem to be much simpler than women.  When a woman has to make an important decision about something she will often agonize over it for days, weighing all the pros and cons until she finally comes to a conclusion which she will immediately doubt and then have to go out to lunch to discuss it with her girlfriends.  A man, on the other hand, faced with a life changing decision will go to a bar and make the decision with his best friend by playing paper, rock, scissors.

Woman will usually blame themselves for things to the point of introversion, whereas men like to find an external cause.  If a woman tries on jeans she hasn’t worn for a while and they seem tight it is because she’s getting fat.  If the same happens to a man he will come up with many more creative reasons for the tight jeans like they must have shrunk in the wash, or there is a lot of humidity lately that shrank them, or my wife is mad at me so she wants me to think I’m getting fat by having my clothes taken in.

Men are way more competitive than women, which is why most women aren’t big sports fans.  Men are sure they can influence the outcome of a game on TV by “intending “their team to win, or by yelling at the players (again on TV).  This can even get to the point of insisting the phone lines stay open in case one of the players calls for advice.

Okay, upon further inspection, it looks like both of the sexes have their own issues.  It’s hard to say which one is more screwed up.  But, being a man I am, of course, competitive and want to win so I’ll make it into a game….Here we go…paper, rock scissors….YES, THE MEN WIN!!!

darnfunnyonline.com

Fourth of July Picnic with the Founding Fathers

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 05-07-2012

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Being an amateur history buff and yesterday being the 4th of July, I tried to imagine what the first 4th of July celebration was like.  Here is what I came up with:

July 4th 1776

The congressmen from the various 13 colonies are lingering around in a picnic atmosphere with hamburgers and hot dogs coming fresh off the grill.  John Hancock, who was the President of the Congress that signed the Declaration of Independence, gathered everyone around him.

Hancock:  Okay guys.  I signed the document so how about the rest of you guys come up here and put your John Hancock’s onto this document.  (Smiles)…Your “John Hancock,” I like that.

Ben Franklin:  It’s no “A penny saved is a penny earned,” but it’s not bad.

The signers put their signature on the Declaration of Independence, one by one.  John Hancock sees that Sam Adams just signed it.

Hancock:  Oh, Sam Adams, by the way, thanks for bringing the beer today.

Sam Adams:  No problem, and the next time you go to the store to pick up a six-pack, don’t forget me.

Just then a tall man with a beard and a black stove pipe hat steps up on a platform and starts speaking.

Tall man:  Four score and 7 years ago our forefathers brought forth to us a new nation…

Hancock:  Who’s the guy with the funny hat?

Franklin:  Calls himself Abe Lincoln.

Hancock:  Somebody wanna Google Abe Lincoln and find out who this guy is.

A minute later a guy comes back with an answer.

One of the signers:  It’s hard to read my computer screen in this sunlight but it says here that he’s the president in 1860.  Ewww, doesn’t end good for him.  Maybe we should tell him, he’s a good speaker and he sure is saying nice stuff about us.

Hancock:  Nah, he’s another time traveler.  Can’t tell him his future, it’ll upset the time space continuum, or so I’ve heard.  Have security get him out of here… Interesting though, they still remember what we did here today, four score and 7 years ago (he counts on his fingers and his assistant whispers in his ear.)

Assistant:  That’s 87, sir.

Hancock:  Yes, right, 87 years ago.  I wonder if 200 to 250 years from now people will remember it too…

Ben Franklin:  Well, you know what they say, “Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.”

Hancock:  What does that have to do with anything?  And, enough with the witticisms, already.

Ben Franklin:  You watch, that one will catch on before you know it.

Hancock:  Anyway…Hey, Thomas Jefferson, have you started working yet on that idea that you had for a Constitution?

Jefferson:  No, that’s still a few years down the line.  My biggest fear is that people will pervert it and you’ll have these “Constitutional Scholars” in the future that pretend to know what it means and do the opposite.

Hancock:  Don’t worry about that, you are a great writer, just do the best you can.  After all, every era has assholes, just look at that guy.

He points to a drunk guy with a bucket on his head as he staggers into a tree and everyone laughs.

END SCENE

(On a more serious note for a change, our forefathers were great men who rose above the extreme problems of the day and gave us a wonderful foundation for the government we have today.  It’s fantastic that we have a day every year to commemorate that.  Hopefully, we’ll all begin to conserve, or get back, that government on a daily basis.  If not, we could very easily be ordering Chinese take-out on the fourth of July’s of the future instead of having a picnic.)

darnfunnyonline.com

Fun Times at the DMV

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 28-06-2012

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I have had the unfortunate necessity of having to go to the DMV three times in the last three years.  Apparently, after the first time I went the DVM gods did not like the article that I wrote afterward (read it here) so they punished me by making me go again last year.  Of course, moving to California might have had something to do with it too.  Then I wrote another article about that DMV experience, which I will always treasure, and again the gods made me return.  But, again, I moved back to Las Vegas.  I’m getting a recurring theme here that moving forces you to go to the DMV, along with those gods, or more likely, devils.   The lesson from that theme is DON’T MOVE!

I finally made the time to go yesterday.  I would have put it off longer but I was already fined for not doing it within thirty days of moving back to Nevada.  I guess they consider the DMV their welcoming party.  Let’s say that the lady behind the information booth (hereafter referred to as the Nazi Bitch) was not that welcoming.  I was next in line and my attention must have wandered for a millisecond and when I didn’t immediately jump up to her booth to praise her she started flailing her Nazi Bitch arms to get my attention.  When I did get there she didn’t greet me courteously, unless DMV courteousness is a snarl.  Luckily, I was able to escape with only my feelings hurt.  I’ve seen worse.

The Nazi Bitch gave me a number which meant I had to wait for a very long time.  I’m pretty sure she found a way to give me a number later than would have been my normal turn.  It’s a game the Nazi Bitches play against each other to see who can screw over the most people.

I had to figure out something to do to pass the time since I didn’t have the foresight to bring something to read.  I noticed a lot of people were looking at their cell phones.  That didn’t work out that well for me since I neither text or play games on my phone,  so staring at the numbers got a little boring.

I decide to people watch.  I quickly came to the conclusion that white socks and sandals is a fashion statement no one should make.  My next conclusion was that too many people go to the snack bar, not necessarily while at the DMV, just in general.

Not being a very deep thinker, those were my only conclusions before my number came up.  What an adrenaline high when I saw my number flashing.  I ran to my designated booth and while it wasn’t the same Nazi Bitch there, this lady also qualified as a Nazi Bitch.  Apparently, they put it on their resume when they apply for the job.

She asked me if I wanted to use the picture from my California driver’s license or get a new picture.  I opted for using the old picture.  She looked at the picture and said , “Really?”  She looked at it again and shrugged.  I think she thought I didn’t have much to work with anyway, so why bother.

I guess she wanted to get rid of me as soon as possible because she didn’t even make me do the eye test.  Darn it, I had spent a lot of time practicing mumbling the letters so she couldn’t hear me when she asked me to read a line so I could buy more time to squint and get the correct answer.  Another DMV disappointment.

All in all, it wasn’t my worst DMV experience.  I’ve had worse, just read my previous articles.  If some of the employees would take some friendly pills it wouldn’t have been bad at all.  But I did make one decision while I was there.  I’m not going to move again for a very long time.

darnfunnyonline.com

The History of Shopping

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 21-06-2012

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The never ending saga of women torturing men with shopping played out with me as the victim a few weeks ago when my daughter was visiting me from out of town.  She innocently asked me if I would take her to pick up a few things and I was stupid enough to buy that.  The rest of the buying was done by her and, you guessed it, I got to pay for it.

It’s really hard to understand the reason why shopping for men can be physically painful but it is.  I’m talking about the kind of pain that feels like a red hot probe inside your brain frantically searching for something that is not there, kind of pain.  I would definitely prefer hard physical labor while pins and needles were poked into my muscles, to a day of shopping with a woman.  It’s a similar type of pain anyway, and with my example there is a chance you could escape.

I think the scientific reason for men not liking to shop with a woman. It is simply that WE HATE THAT.

I can give you more of an explanation, actually.  I’ve researched this thoroughly and this is what I made up…er, what I discovered to be the truth.

The basic incident that started all the problems goes all the way back to Adam and Eve.  Eve went to Adam and said we need to shop for some apples.  Adam wisely wanted to stay home that day and watch sports on TV but Eve wouldn’t hear of it.  She cajoled him into going apple shopping in spite of the fact that Adam argued that apples were the forbidden fruit.  That was his first mistake, telling her that it was something she couldn’t shop for.  It was all downhill from there.

Eve had to find the perfect apple.  She couldn’t just find an apple and be done with it.  She had to SHOP.  First she looked at the Jonathan Apples, then the Golden Delicious and the Red Delicious, next the Gala, then the McIntosh and finally the Granny Smith.  All the while she was comparing theses apples one against the other as Adam sat off at a distance with a blank look and intermittently rubbing his forehead.

Every time Eve asked Adam his opinion of which apple would be the best she would contradict his opinion and say, “Hmm, no I like the other one better.”  Adam was starting to go more than a little crazy when Eve had finally decided on the Red Delicious, not because it tasted the best but because it was the shiniest and prettiest.  Adam at least thought they could finally get the hell out of there when Eve decided she wanted to try on some of the leaved branches of the apple trees to cover up her private parts.  That’s when Adam finally lost.  This is when the first swear words were invented too, by the way.

Adam yelled to God, “God, damn her.”  Well, this pretty much pissed off God because this was his kingdom and he didn’t like being told what to do.  So he reversed things on Adam and he damned all men by making it a natural law of the universe that they would hate shopping forevermore and women would make their men go shopping with them despite that.

It’s been that way ever since.  There’s the history behind it but I think there is even a more underlying reason men don’t like to go shopping with women and that is just that WE HATE THAT.

darnfunnyonline.com

More Ill-Advised Advice from Dear Crabby

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 07-06-2012

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I’ve decided to let our advice columnist, Dear Crabby, slither through the doors of darnfunnyonline once again to spew her venomous advice.  If I don’t let her do this every once in a while she’ll just insult me, so I figure it’s best to let her spread it around.  So, anyway, here’s Crabby.

(Dear Crabby)  Thank you, Steve, you witless wonder.  That lack of enthusiasm in your introduction reminded me how I felt the last time I read something you wrote.

Let’s get to our first question:

Dear Crabby:

I’m looking to get into the business world and I think I should use the word, paradigm, because they seem to say that a lot in the business world.  Can you tell me what it means?

Business Guy

Dear Business Guy:

I can help you out.  Let’s break the word down.  Para is from Greek language and it means, beside or like.  Digm is from the Stupid language (which I believe you speak fluently) meaning to “dig them.” So now you’ll see that to you paradigm, if YOU used it in the business world, would mean to be like digging yourself a hole so deep you’ll never get out of it.  SO JUST STICK TO YOUR JOB AT MCDONALD’S BECAUSE THAT IS YOUR CEILING IN THE BUSINESS WORLD, moron.

I hope that advice helps, it was given from the heart.

Crabby

Dear Crabby:

My girlfriends don’t really like my boyfriend.  They complain about him constantly and it makes me have doubts.  Should I be listening to them?

Confused

Dear Confused:

First of all, quit trying to live your life like you are a character in “Sex and the City.”  When you think about them they are actually a bunch of neurotic, psycho sluts anyway.  If you want to be like them you are already in trouble?  No, you shouldn’t listen to your friends either, and to be frank, it’s best not to take advice from other people, except yours truly, of course.  Actually, your boyfriend sounds like he deserves better than you.  If he is good looking tell him to get in contact with me.

Crabby

Dear Crabby,

My husband is having trouble finding work and he is thinking of taking a job as an assassin.  He has no experience except that he can be a little mean sometimes and he does like to go squirrel hunting.  Do you think I should let him?

Financially Strapped

Dear Financially Strapped:

Just shoot yourself now and save the aggravation!

Crabby

Okay, this is Steve, again.  I need to cut off Dear Crabby now before her advice has people at our door with clubs and knives.  Just remember, readers, whenever you need advice on a subject you can always think what Dear Crabby would tell you to do and then DO THE OPPOSITE.

darnfunnyonline.com

In the End

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 31-05-2012

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When your child grows up and finally moves out on his or her own, you parents will look back on their childhood with fond memories. You’ll forget the troublesome times like when he broke the neighbor’s windows playing baseball and tried to blame it on Edgar, the neighborhood wimp. You’ll forget how she cried herself to sleep after she shaved the head of her Barbie doll to make her look cool and then hated it.

You’ll look back and laugh at all the funny things like when you had a house full of eleven year old girls in your basement and when you heard them giggling you went down to inspect. You saw them all dancing in their underwear and they said they were pretending they were Madonna.

Next you’ll remember how the principal called you both into school after your daughter was suspended for showing off her artistic talents. Unfortunately, it was on the photo hanging in the hallway of the principal himself. You’ll remember how you both had sweaty palms just at the prospect of walking into the principal’s office. But after talking to him you felt she was justified in drawing that mustache, in fact, a set of horns wouldn’t have been too bad either.

After that you’ll say to your wife, “You know those terrible twos’ weren’t really that bad, were they?” Oh sure, there was that time when your daughter, Penny, found out there was a coin named after her so she tried to stick one up her nose. You had to take her to the emergency room to get it removed. But looking back on it now, it’s all very funny.

Then you’ll recall how you punched out the guy at the Little League game for heckling your kid. So what if he struck out four times and made three errors. He’s your son and no one’s going to say those things about him in front of you and get away with it. Then your wife will correct you and tell you she was the one that actually decked the guy. It was true, but you had the same idea. She just beat you to it and it was lucky for him she did, too.

Then there was the time you went to the elementary school play and even though your daughter threw up right on stage, you were still very proud of her. What the heck, Linda Blair got her start just like that in the “Exorcist”.

And don’t forget how you popped a couple buttons off your shirt at that awards banquet where your son got the “Most Improved Player Award” on his junior high basketball team. But, you will forget how he shortly thereafter drubbed you in a game of one on one.

You’ll never forget how graceful your daughter looked as she skied down that steep slope right after her first lesson. You had to watch from a wheelchair because you had just sprained your knee coming down the same slope moments earlier.

Oh my gosh! Remember how that one time you were fretting over how you would pay the bills and your four year old daughter walked up offering her piggy bank to you.

But most of all you’ll never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, (using three year old parlance) forget that first time you held your baby. A warmer feeling could not exist. . .gee, my eyes are just not working well today.. .all right. I’m ready again.

That’s all in the past though. You can be proud of your baby now, too, all grown up and ready to start a life of his or her own. As the young adult walks out to the car and you follow, loaded down with his or her luggage, try to listen carefully as he or she barks the instructions on how to load it in the trunk. It will be a sentimental moment, to be sure, as your child drives away, but you and your wife did a good job and you can be proud of yourselves, too.

Now that the kids are all grown up you may say to your wife, “Gee, do you want to have another baby?” It will most likely be too late for that. But now that you’re alone, you can have a blast pretending you’re trying for real.

darnfunnyonline.com

Communication-Men vs. Women

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 24-05-2012

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(This is a humor article I had written and posted on darnfunnyonline 2 1/2 years ago and I’m re-posting it now.)

It is a commonly known fact (meaning I believe it to be true) that women get married so they will have someone to talk to, or more accurately, someone to listen to them.  Men on the other hand get married so they have someone to have regular sex with and they don’t have to talk to them to get it.

Not really working out so well, is it?

There are exceptions, like Bill Clinton, who loves to talk and also like to have sex.  He made his own rules and got married to someone he never wanted to have sex with so he would have a reason to talk to other women and get them to have sex with him but never have to marry them because he already had a wife.  Very confusing.

But, back to the general rule.  Women long for the open communication about their feelings and thoughts about their relationships.  Men want to be left alone to watch sports and spit and cuss.  Open communication to a man is not falling asleep while his spouse is talking to him, and occasionally nodding to assure her he is listening, while thinking of sports or sex.

Among a man’s favorite things to talk about are business, sports and sex.  And most men love to tell jokes, which are mostly about business, sports or sex, which is why most women don’t really get the jokes.  But to show that they have good sense of humor they laugh anyway.  By the way, a man’s definition of a woman with a sense of humor is someone who laughs at his jokes.

One of the great joys of sex for a man is that it gets the woman to stop talking.  On the other hand, one of the things women like about sex is that it gives them something to talk about later on.

Strangely enough, women even seem to like to talk about how fat they are as long as their men reassure them that it is not true at all.  And any sane man will do that if he any hopes of ever achieving his dream as noted in the first paragraph of this article.

One place where this is all turned around is in the bathroom.  Men will talk about anything while they are sitting on the toilet.  Especially if it is about the size of the dump they are leaving, and they’ll probably want to show it as well.  Women do not want to talk while sitting on the toilet, in fact, that is one place where they decidedly do not want to share their feelings.

Again, there are exceptions to all these “rules”.  Take Barack Obama (please take him) for example, no man in the history of the universe liked to talk more than this guy.  It is actually quite possible that he is a woman in disguise.  He’s also bad at bowling, another clue.  But to his advantage he does like basketball, so there is hope for him.

Just imagine how confusing it is for Michelle Obama.  She says, “Barack, we need to talk.”

Instead of frowning and rubbing his temples in despair or curling up into the fetal position like most men when they hear that phrase, he says excitedly, ”Sure Michelle, what do want to talk about, socialism, health care, bail outs, swine flu vaccinations, town hall meetings, the evils of the Republican party, printing more money…”

Michelle, now being forced to take the typical man’s viewpoint says, “Never mind, let’s just have sex.”

Barack says, “Great idea, and then we can talk about how much I actually hate pretending to like that Nancy Pelosi  bitch.”  Which is a subject anyone, male or female, can get on board with.

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