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If you are a woman and you want to see a man instantly get a blank look on his face just ask him to discuss your relationship.  In fact, it just occurred to me that some women could use this as a ploy to not getting any protest just before she is about to go clothing shopping and spend a lot of money.

It would go like this.  She is already dressed and ready to walk out the door.  She sees her husband who is watching TV and engages the ploy.  “You know, honey, I would really like to talk about our relationship.  Can we do that now?”  He immediately goes into a trance, 90% real, 10% feigned in hopes that she will leave without another word.  She waits for a response she knows is not forthcoming.  “Not now?  Okay, maybe later.  I’m going to go shopping then.”  She walks out the door with a smile as she heads off to her guilt free shopping adventure.  After all, she did notify him.  He sits there still fixated in the trace for at least another ten minutes.  Not fair at all!

Eventually, these relationship discussions are inevitable though.  We can only avoid them for so long.  They usually go about like this: (We’ll skip the preliminary stuff and go right to the woman nagging, ‘er, I mean discussing.)

Woman:  I feel like you don’t pay enough attention to me, unless we’re having sex. (Author’s commentary here: truthfully, he may not have been paying that much attention then either.)  And when we’re at home together you are always watching sports or playing video games.

What the man actually heard during this conversation was, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, sex.”  When he heard sex he suddenly felt alive…until she continued talking.  Then, again, he heard her say, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, sports or playing video games.”  Again he perked up.  Suddenly he is hit with  panic.  He doesn’t know what she said.  Does she want to have sex with him now?  If that’s the case he doesn’t want to blow the opportunity.  Or maybe she was telling him she enjoys it when he watches sports or plays video games, in which case let’s get busy watching or playing.  He’s hoping she didn’t say she wanted to watch or play the games with him, please, not that.

Suddenly she breaks the awkward silence that he was too self possessed to realize was occurring.

Woman:  (Angrily) Well, are you going to say anything at all?

Man:  Uh…did you say that..uh…that, uh, you wanted to have sex?

Then he finds himself waking up moments later rubbing his blackened eye.

Occasionally, when a man is just talking with his spouse and he doesn’t consider that they are talking about their relationship he might say something that she considers to be very sweet and loving.  He didn’t know any better and said it inadvertently.

Nevertheless, he will get a lot of credit for this, which means nothing more than the woman will tell all of her closest girlfriends about it.  Actually, she’ll constantly be telling them things that he did, good or bad.  It’s part of a code that women have.  They are compelled to talk about relationships to each other.  It’s like a pact they sign when they reach womanhood.  It’s also necessary because we men are too shallow to do it.

Some men might be tempted to secretly listen in on one of these women sessions sometime.  But the fact is that all they’d ever really hear anyway is, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah and then he wanted to have sex.”

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Recently, Roger Clemens, former Major League baseball player, was indicted for perjury as a result of allegedly lying to Congress about steroid usage.  The absurdity that anyone could get in trouble for lying to Congress, the King of the Liars, was enough impetus to write this article.  If you walk into Congress I would think the atmosphere of chronic liars alone would make someone be compelled to lie.  It would be like walking through the desert, you’d feel compelled to drink water…you walk into Congress, you feel compelled to lie.

I mean, come on, most of those guys were lawyers, so it’s their training to lie.  It’s just what they do.  And then they wanted to become politicians on top of being lawyers.  It’s like taking the scum that is on top of the scum in the dirtiest, filthiest part of the pond that has accumulated scum and that is what the politicians are comparable to.  Not that that would necessarily be a bad thing…providing you are already a very low form of disease causing bacteria.

If Roger Clemens could have a private conversation with some members of Congress this is what I would expect it to be like:

Roger:  Let’s just assume I was lying, which I wasn’t, you guys lie to each other and the public all the time.  Why is okay for you guys?

Congressman #1:  When you believe your lies it is a whole different game. It makes it okay.  If you are really good at something you should do it.  Painters paint, singers sing and liars lie.

Roger:  That’s not fair.

Congressman #1:  Fair?  What does that have to do with anything?  This is politics and government.

Harry Reid:  I noticed you often appeared angry and intense when you were pitching.  Was that the result of steroids?

Roger:  I didn’t take steroids, so I wouldn’t know.

Harry Reid:  Darn it.  I was hoping it was true.  Heck, I would take them too if it was, even a bad personality is better than none like I have.

Nancy Pelosi:  Do you think steroid usage could be an effective replacement for Botox?  Not that I would have any interest in that.

Roger:  Now you’re lying, aren’t you?

Nancy Pelosi:  I don’t know what you mean?  Telling you that I’m lying goes against my Hippocratic oath…oh wait, that is the oath that doctors don’t keep.  (She turns to a fellow congressperson)  What oath do we take?

Fellow congressperson:  The oath to lie, of course.

Nancy Pelosi:  Yes, that’s right. I remember now.  If I answered your question the way you wanted me to I would be breaking my oath…what was the question anyway?

Roger:  Never mind.  I know you use Botox.

Nancy Pelosi:  That’s not true.  The nerves in my face are just dead from me beating myself up all the time for lying to my constituents.  But if you tell anyone that I’ll deny it, as any good congressperson would.

Roger:  What about Charles Rangle?  I’m betting you guys knew he was lying for a long time yet you did nothing until someone else exposed it.

Congressman #1:  He’s one of us.  We were elected to do the job we do.

Roger:  What, lie?

Congressman#1:  I’d be lying if I said yes, so, no.

Roger:  What does that even mean?

Congressman#1:  Exactly.

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Romance is a wonderful thing.  It could be said that it is the glue the holds that holds relationships together.  The only problem with the subject of romance is that men and women have a totally different definition of what it is.

To women it is something like a candlelit dinner while the couple gazes into each other’s eyes with dreamy, loving talk and thoughts, holding hands, along with an occasional caress.  It’s the kind of ultimate experience she hopes can last a lifetime.

Men tend to be simpler.  To us romance equals sex, pure and simple.  That other stuff is what we have to go through to get “romance”.  To women the romance part ends when the sex starts.

Men, being the idiots we are, don’t really get that.  Okay, we get it a little bit but only enough to go along with it until we can get to the real “romance”.

A romantic marriage proposal to a woman would be for the man to carry out a plan that was months in the making.  It would include things like her being carried in a throne by eunuchs into a room that would be filled with flowers while doves fly overhead.  As the man drops to his knees one of the doves flies down and places into his hand the huge diamond engagement ring that he went deeply in debt to purchase just so he could make this special moment even more perfect for her.  With tears streaming down both of their faces he asks her for her hand in marriage, to which she replies, “Yes, oh , yes.”  (This type of female oriented romance will lead to actual “romance” for him soon after so he deems it worthwhile.)

On the other hand, a romantic marriage proposal by a man would be to put the ring down his pants so she gets it when they are being “romantic”, if you get my meaning.

Here is how a typical conversation might go between a man and a woman on the subject of romance.  Although, let me be very clear that the man in this scenario is not nearly as enlightened as the men in the above examples.

Woman:  We need to talk.

Man: (Rolling his eyes) Oh man, what did I do now?

Woman:  You didn’t DO anything.  That’s the problem.

Man:  (Confused) Huh?…Oh wait a minute, are you PMSing.

(The woman glares at him so intensely he can feel the heat penetrating his skin.)

Okay, that was clearly the wrong thing to say.  But I still have no idea what you are talking about.

Woman:  I’m talking about romance.

Man:  (Feeling more confident now) I don’t see a problem then, we just had sex last night.

Woman:  That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking…

Man:  (Cutting her off)  Hey, if you want to mix it up right now, I’m game.  (Looks at his watch) Although we need to hurry, there’s a football game coming on in five minutes.  And if you’re gonna insist on that foreplay stuff we have to get started

Woman: (Yelling)  I’m talking about romance not sex, you moron!

Man:  Well, you’re just talking crazy now.  I can’t even follow you at all.  Plus, calling me a moron totally takes me out of my romantic mood.  Besides, we’re running out of time anyway.  (Turns toward the TV)  Why don’t you just get me a beer and maybe a sandwich too.

Seconds later he receives his beer bottle in the back of his head.

In my defense, I did already say men were idiots.  And, for the record, I’m a great believer in romance…I’m just not saying which definition.

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Whenever I deal with doctors I always have a hard time remembering if it is a Hippocratic oath or a hypocritical oath that they take when they become doctors.

For the record I don’t go to doctors myself as a general rule but I have had dealings with doctors via others recently.  But, I just love it when the doctor himself has to turn sideways to get his fat ass in the door and then he tells his patient that he or she needs to lose weight.  It’s like Dick Cheney telling someone they need to be nicer to people.  Doctors, apparently, have almost as much of a reputation for being heavy drinkers as airline pilots do.  I guess that’s why they insist on having you sign release forms all the time. (And one more quick joke I need to get out of my system) How do gynecologists live with themselves?  All day long they are looking at women between the legs and then they have to go home and look their wives in the eye. (Okay I feel better now… wait I have to resist talking about proctologists…okay I got past it… I wonder if the guy who came up with the UPS slogan, “What can Brown do for you?” was a proctologist.  All right, I was not fully able to get past that urge.)

Anyway, when you go into doctor’s offices they always have the air conditioning blasting away, the magazines are usually old and they either have a medical video playing or a soap opera on TV.  Then there are people coughing and hacking up phlegm and the others look like they should have a chalk line drawn around them and they should be waiting for the undertaker rather than the doctor.  Pretty much if you weren’t sick when you walked in you’ll be well on the way to it before you leave.

Then when the receptionist tells you, “the doctor will see you now,” you know she’s lying through her teeth because you’ll just go into another room and wait in there.  Sometimes you have to undress when you get there too, which could be fun depending on what’s going through your head at the time.  Anyway, if that gets too boring you can always go outside each waiting room and switch the patient’s files.  It can help pass the time and it will really piss off the doctor too.

I recall a conversation I had with a doctor years ago, after making it through all that stuff and finally being in his presence.  It went pretty much like this:

Doc:  Okay turn your head and cough.

Me:  Wait a minute, I came here to have a wart removed.

Doc:  Oh right, some idiot must have switched the charts on me again.

Me:  (withholding laughter.)

Doc:  Okay then, turn around and bend over.

Me:  No, no, the wart is on my finger!

(I think, in retrospect, he was having his own issues.)

Doc:  Oh yeah, then why did you get undressed?

Me:  (Embarrassed) I don’t know it just seemed like the thing to do in a doctor’s office.

Doc: (looking at me strangely)  Anyway, let me see your finger…I’ll prescribe some Prozac for you.

(Doctors are the ultimate drug pushers)

Me:  I’m not depressed about it.  I just want it removed.

Doc:  Oh yeah, that’s right, the Prozac was for me.  (Deep sigh) I wish I had been a proctologist.

I told you he had issues.

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Let’s be clear from the start, iPhones suck.  The irony of the whole thing is that they are many things to many people and they have certainly been called many names, I’ve had a few choice words for them for sure, but they most certainly cannot be called a phone.

To say that the iPhone sometimes drops calls would be like saying Osama bin Laden has a somewhat unfair attitude towards Americans, or that President Obama occasionally likes to spend other people’s money, or the John Edwards has sometimes flirted with other women.

I don’t even own an iPhone myself I’ve just tried to talk to a friend who has one.  But based on that experience I have a pretty good idea how it got its name.  The inventor of the phone at the parent company called his boss (while using his new invention) and said, ”I just came up with a great invention, I call it ‘I am a phone.’”  What the boss heard before the call was dropped altogether was, “(garble, garble)…great invention, I call it “I (garble) phone.”

The boss, being a typical executive from a huge multi-national corporation, gave the call its due attention after it was dropped and looked thoughtfully into space and said to himself, “Hmmm, he said it was great even though iphone is a stupid name…what the hell.  We need something new and I have a golf game to get to so…I know, I’ll capitalize the ‘p’ in phone so I can say I had something to do with it.”

And the iPhone was born.

If the iPhone could talk I’m sure it would sound very much like a foreigner just learning the English language (which is also how anyone feels when they are talking on an IPhone since you can only hear every other word.)  It would say, “Hello, I Phone.”  To that I would tilt my head and raise my eyebrows and say, “Seriously?”

Then it would frown and say, “Well at least I good texting apparatus and I video unit and I Internet source and I good storage unit and  I about 100 other things that nobody really understand but it nice to throw that number out.”

And I’d respond, “Yeah, I’ll give you those things, but you’re a piece of crap phone.”

And it would say, “Yeah, okay.”  Then it would walk away with its head hung a little bit but it would proudly sell itself to the next sucker with a couple hundred dollars and life would go on.

The CEO of the company that makes iPhones, who has the same first name as I do and whose last name is like the second word in the function that I’m guessing there is left to promote that the iPhone 5 will do, (Hint: the first word in the function is what the wind does …now go back and read that sentence again and you’ll get it) has said in response to complaints about dropped calls, “We’re not perfect.”  Well now I feel better about the whole thing because if they were perfect I guess they would have already included that function… Oh lighten up, I’m just kidding!

On that note I’ll sit back and wait for all the nasty calls I’ll probably be getting from fans of the iPhone.  But I’m not too worried because I probably won’t be able to understand the call and it will drop altogether very soon anyway.

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Last week’s article about useless crap was so popular I felt I had to give my readers what they are looking for… more useless crap.  If useless crap is what you want then I will be the King of Useless Crap, for you, my beloved readers.

Let’s get right into it.  Our first useless crap product for this week from the airplane catalog turns out to be more of a pissing product than a crap product.  It’s the Indoor Dog Restroom.  That’s right, it’s a pad that soaks up dog urine so the dog can go in the house rather than outside.  The real trouble starts when you forget to ask your dog if he has to do #1 or #2…. Then it suddenly may become a useful crap item, if you get my meaning.  Mmmhhhh, it that doesn’t stimulate your sense of smell nothing will.  All for only $149.95!

Our next product held in “high” esteem due to its stupidity and uselessness is a chair that can be made so big that when you sit in it you look like a miniature little person like you were shrunken in a Disney movie.  Its purpose is to elevate you at sporting events so you are sure to see all the action.  That is until all the people behind get into a mob mentality and flip your chair over with you in it so that they too can see the action.  That wonderful product allows to get the crap (might it be useless crap?) beaten out of you for only $149.95.

Following that we have the “Healthiest Deep Fryer.”  I’m pretty sure what makes it the healthiest is that it has a price tag of $299.95 allowing the makers to say whatever they want.   Maybe this was made for people in the south that deep fry everything that moves, but from where I stand deep frying is still deep frying  so even the healthiest one is still killing you.

Next we have “The Peaceful Progression Wake up Clock”.  It is so peaceful they don’t even call it an “alarm” clock because that, I’m sure, would be too alarming for the morons that would shell out $99.95 for this clock.  It starts 30 minutes before wake-up by spewing various aromatherapy scents.  Then 15 minutes before wake-up it generates soft nature sounds.  At wake-up time it emits a soft buzzer sound.  By this time you are so relaxed you want to go back to sleep.  Just at that time your wife comes in and yells “Wake-up asshole and go to work.  Your stupid clock is driving me nuts.”  So, actually, one way or another it does actually work.  But still I gotta file it under useless crap.

Lastly, for today, is the “Ultrasonic Barking Dog Deterrent.”  It makes an unpleasant sound when the dog barks that only he can hear and makes him stop barking.  It can be very confusing to the dog because when he hears it in the backyard he asks the cat, “What was that sound?”  The cat, enjoying the fact that he can piss the dog off, replies, “What are you talking about?  I didn’t hear anything.  You’re crazy.”  This kind of thing has driven many dogs to see the pet psychologist.  Anyway, this device is cleverly disguised as a bird house.  So every time a bird tries to walk into the house he tends to knock himself out, again, pleasing the cat to no end.  Actually, this may have been invented by a cat. Also a big winner in this scenario is the burglar who climbs over the fence and the dog won’t bark because this useless crap device has taught him not to.  If you are still interested in this thing it goes for $69.95

Okay, I had a lot of fun bringing you this useless crap but I don’t want to overdo a good thing so if you want to find any more useless crap items you’ll have to pick up your own catalog the next time you are on a plane.

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I had a great urge to write about useless crap again.  I made a recent post about useless crap to think about and while I was then thinking about useless crap when I was on a plane I came across a whole catalog of useless crap, a veritable useless crap book, one might call it, so that is the subject of today’s article.

The catalog folks apparently take pet owners for true suckers of the universe because there are a plethora of pet products in the catalog that truly do fall under the category of useless crap.  In fact, that name might even be a compliment for some of these products.

The first one is a ceramic pet water fountain.  Apparently just your regular water dish is no longer good enough for a dog or cat.  According to this catalog it is important to shell out $80 for this ceramic piece of… you guessed it – useless crap, that essentially attempts to take your pet away from his favorite watering hole, the toilet.  No dog worth his salt will drink out of a sissy water fountain if there is a toilet nearby.  And the funny thing is, or sad depending how you look at it, the toilet doesn’t even need to be flushed for the dog to enjoy it.  And cats are no different no matter how dignified and snobby they give you the impression they are.  If they can reach the water in the toilet they are drinking from it.

It is amazing what they can come up with for sales copy for this product.  “The falling stream of water attracts the pet with the sound of the trickling water, enticing them to drink even more water.” To me that sounds like a recipe for your dog to pee on your carpet.

Next, we have a plastic step stool for smaller dogs or puppies to be able to climb onto your couch, making it easy for your dog to chew up your pillows, scratch holes in the cushions and pee on the couch.  I thought pet owners were looking for ways to keep the pets off the couch.  This is comparable to making new suggestions to Congress on how they can piss off the public even more than they already do.

As we move on, a mere $200 will get you a motorized replica of R2-D2 from Star Wars fame.  As the sales copy states, “it’s sad sounds mimic the original right on down to its occasional bad mood.”  Just what you are looking when you come home from a day of work, especially when your wife and daughter are already simultaneously experiencing PMS.

Lastly, for today, we have video recording sunglasses.  Again, a paltry $200 gets you these sunglasses that allow you to discreetly video tape all that you see.  That is something that will come in handy if you are a spy, which naturally, many people traveling on planes are these days, or if you are walking on a nude beach where taping with a regular recorder may be frowned upon.  Otherwise, not so useful.

That only touches the surface of the useless crap found in the catalog I was looking at.  But if reading about any of these products makes you want to run out and buy a plane ticket to anywhere so you can get a catalog I want a commission.

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A recent study showed that some men had a “disorder” that caused them to make sexual passes, while asleep, to their spouse.  The disorder is called sexsomnia.  To that I say puhleeeeease!   They don’t have  a “disorder”, they have a condition which is called being a man.

Just because some guys feel they have to be creative and pretend they are asleep to make a pass at their wives is no reason for shrinks to say there is something wrong with them.  If they want call it a disease, though, a more appropriate name would be “lack of gettin’ it disorder”. Or if you want to make up a new name you could call it “hornyitis”, which would, of course, be an inflammation of their horniness.

Wanting to have sex is one of the few things that women can accurately predict about men.  So don’t take that away from the poor women who have put up with us men for so long.  And let me speak for all men when I say we are happy to oblige on that point.

I recently read a list of gripes that women had about men.  Among the complaints were:

• that men are not understanding enough
• that men were not sensitive to feelings and needs
• that men are not affectionate enough
• that men don’t communicate enough
• that men don’t express their feelings and thoughts
• and that they don’t pay enough attention to their partners.

In the defense of men let me take up each of these points one at a time.  And really, the facts of our defense are all in the first three paragraphs of this article.  But for purposes of clarity let me break them down.

To say that men are not understanding is clearly a misnomer.  We understand that women have needs for sex too and we don’t want you to have to ask so we are understanding enough to take that burden off of the women.

Next, that men are not sensitive to feelings and needs.  I think that was covered thoroughly already in the last paragraph.

Saying that men are not affectionate enough is obviously wrong.  Let’s just take a look in the Webster’s “Man” dictionary…ah yes, there it is, the definition of affection for men is sex.  (Wow, this is easier than I thought it would be.)

Now saying that men don’t communicate enough is not at all fair.  It’s just that we often prefer to have that physical communication line.  Touch is truly a powerful way to communicate.

To say that men don’t express their feeling and thoughts is simply ridiculous.  For god sake, women, we are telling you we want sex.  How much more expressive about our thoughts and feelings could we be?  The problem all along is that you thought we were deep.  We’re not.  We’re very shallow, actually.

And the last one, that we don’t pay enough attention to our partners.  If we are having sex with you I believe we are paying attention to you (even if sometimes when they are doing it some men are thinking about someone else.  It’s merely a technicality.)

So there you have it.  And as I proof read this article one thing has become very clear to me.  Comedian, Tim Allen, was right all along when he said “men are pigs”.  And you could probably accurately say we have a lot of disorders, but at least we have them with a smile on our faces.

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(I am still traveling so here is another repeat, an essay that was posted last fall.)

My nutritionist informed me the other day that I have parasites in my body.  If you are getting the image of a bunch of deadbeats lining up at a welfare pay window inside my body you are probably wrong.  I hope.

She referred to me as the “host” of these parasites.  See, now, this is the very reason I never liked throwing parties.  There is such a mess to clean up afterward.  Actually, she explained it more like my body is comparable to the typical American public (I would have preferred being called more like the Brad Pitt type, without the herd of children though, but, oh well).  The parasites are kind of like the government, with taxes, healthcare with a public option, etc.  The more of these parasites there are the less healthy you will be.  It suddenly became clear.  To clarify, I asked, “So if the head parasite tries to stimulate everything, all he is stimulating is more parasitic growth?”  “Exactly,” she confirmed.  Now I understood.

I’m pretty sure there are parasites with different personalities too, just like people.  For example, if I’m having a bad hair day, then I know the Donald Trump type parasites are really being active.  On a day where I’m feeling old and creaky in the bones my Larry King parasites are acting up.  Yesterday I had people at my door asking for a donation and my Ben Bernake type parasites where waking up and I almost gave everything away.  Luckily I had enough Jack Benny parasites in me to overcome that urge.

This morning, while getting dressed, I could only get my pants half way up my ass and I couldn’t figure out what was going on.  Finally, I realized I had inadvertently activated some male teenage parasites.  This was confirmed when my car keys were missing.

Last night as I was falling asleep and in that in-between stage of sleep and awake I swear I heard a conversation going on.  It started with some guy with a Mexican accent.  “Hey, man, you really stink.”

A guy with a heavy New York accent answered.  “Yeah, I don’t know what happened it was like I got trapped in a sewer or something.”

The Mexican guy said, “No, dumb ass, you were in the colon.  You gotta stay up here in the stomach where it‘s safe and all the good food is.  You get much lower than the colon and you are outta here, man.”

The New York guy said, “Yeah, I was feelin’ kinda flushed down there.”   Badumbump (sound effects added by me.)  Hey, who said parasites can’t have a sense of humor.

Then I heard a conversation between two fat guys.  I didn’t really get all that was said but it was something about going to McDonalds followed by a trip to Dunkin Donuts.  Apparently about two-thirds of these guys are fat, so it’s just like America, really.

Then I heard another guy trying to get a woman into bed.  It was either a French guy, Bill Clinton or John Edwards, I couldn’t tell which.

Anyway, the nutritionist told me there is a solution to all these voices in my head.  So, fortunately, I’ll be able to go back to just having the ringing in my ears.  She sold me some herbal formula, which, when I started taking it I swear I heard a voice with a Clint Eastwood type sound saying, ”Make my day.”

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(This is an article that I had posted back in December and since I am traveling today I am posting it again now.)

Through intense scientific research (meaning I saw an article in the newspaper that was located next to the comics) I have discovered information that is likely to make women feel superior to men.  There may be a multitude of reasons for them to feel that way, but this is scientific fact.

It turns out that in the first ten weeks of fetal development all brains are female.  Then, in boys, a huge surge of testosterone hits the brain, killing cells in the communication center and growing them in the sex and aggression center.  This explains why men don’t like to talk about their feelings unless those feelings are penis related and also why we leave the toilet seat up when we go to the bathroom as it allows us to be more aggressive in our return trips as we no longer have to bend over to lift the seat.

Because of the testosterone, the male fetus typically lags three weeks behind the female neurologically at birth.  And according to what I’ve heard many females say the gap widens from there.

On the plus side for us men though, the testosterone poisoning does come in handy later because it helps some coordination neurons develop better which allows us to catch footballs, basketballs, and baseballs more easily.  This is vital to society because if not for those skills there would be no sports on television and then there would be no place for the beer companies to show their commercials.

Testosterone is the thing that makes men and women different.  Women with their greater communication skills like to talk about intimacy, and men, because they have more testosterone, like to be intimate (to be clear here, the male definition of intimacy is having sex.)  Women, when the car breaks down, will say they think they heard the doohickey rattling before it broke.  Men due to their greater testosterone levels, will open the hood of the car and nod knowingly and pretend to fix it before they take the car to a professional to get it fixed.  And lastly, when a woman passes gas it will be a great source of embarrassment, but to a man, again, thanks to testosterone, will turn such an event into uncontrollable laughter and entertainment.

Nature, in its infinite wisdom, develops the female brain very precisely with less variation in how girl’s brains develop, which is why women universally think the dress they are wearing makes their ass look fat.  On the other hand the male brain has many more variables which is why sometimes you get Einstein and sometimes Larry the Cable Guy.

I can almost hear two of these fetal brain cells having a conversation prior to the testosterone attack that turns them male:

First female brain cell:  Let go to lunch and have a nice talk about our feelings.

Second Female brain cell:  That sounds great but I’m not really hungry I just had a testosterone snack.

First cell: Oh, what’s that like?

Second cell:  Well I heard it was good for when you’re feeling bloated, so I thought what harm could it do .

First cell: I heard it make you stupid though.

Second cell:  Really, I never heard….WHOA!  I think it just kicked in, talk about a stimulus act.  I’ll bet Obama didn’t have this kind of stimulus in mind when he came up with economic stimulus.   Bill Clinton and Kennedy were probably thinking this way though.

First cell:  Oh my goodness, what’s happening?

Second cell:  I don’t know, but you suddenly look awful darn hot to me.  How about we skip lunch and go to my place and see what we can cook up there? If you get my meaning.

And there you have it women, we were just like you until the testosterone hit us. So it’s not really our fault at all.

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