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With the advent of Weinergate (I was going to say “coming” but we’re talking about politicians so that could have more than one meaning, so I used advent.) you kind of wonder if there are any politicians that are not crooks, pervert, psychos or all of the above…On second thought you may not be wondering at all. You are pretty sure that is the case.

But to be fair, I’ll use the old lawyer joke regarding politicians: It’s the 99% that make the other 1% look bad.  So there must be some good ones somewhere.  You just have to look really, really, really, really hard.  But when you think about it the vast majority of politicians started out as attorneys so it really does all make sense.

I think I have more faith in the Nigerian businessman’s letters that I get in my e-mail box on a daily basis, than I do in politicians.  They are certainly more trustworthy.  At least you know they are trying to cheat you right up front…I’m talking about the Nigerian businessman now, not the politician, in case there was any doubt.

The current moral of politicians has lead us to campaign slogans that would pervert JFK’s famous quote to “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what I can do for you if you make a ridiculously high campaign donation.”

It’s quite possible that being crazy is one of the qualifications to becoming a politician. For example, Obama was totally qualified with ideas such as Obamacare, spending money to get out of debt, and rewarding banks with bailouts after they helped screw up the economy.  If those things don’t qualify someone as crazy nothing will.

I can imagine what it would have been like if Obama had gone into the Lincoln Room of the White House to get advice from the ghost of Honest Abe:

Abe: You’re going to do what???  Are you kidding me?

(I could stop there and it would be a believable conversation, but we’ll carry on.)

Obama:  I don’t think I’m really known for my sense of humor except for that time I roasted Donald Trump about that whole birth certificate thing….Snap, Donald!

Abe:  By the way, was that birth certificate legit?

Obama:  Think about it Abe. I’m the president, if I can get money printed on request, I can certainly get a birth certificate printed whenever I want to.

Abe:  Another thing, when I was president I was a nice relaxed speaker and I was famous for my eloquent speaking style.  I gotta tell you you’re a little stiff, like you have a tree limb stuck up your ass. And lose the teleprompter.  I can only assume you came up with stupid ideas like Obamacare when somebody asked you a question and you didn’t have a scripted answer already prepared.

Obama:  Yeah, I’m still trying to think of some way to blame Obamacare on Bush, but I haven’t come up with anything yet.

Abe:  How about blaming it on Hillary?

Obama:  Good idea.

Abe:  Okay, Barack, by the way, again, that name really does sound South African, seriously.  You can see why there would be doubters.  Anyway, the best advice I can come up with is start to do the opposite of what you are inclined to do.  If you think yes, do no. If you think do this, do that instead.  You get the idea.  With the policies you come up with it’s like you put all the possible bad ideas in the world into a hat and whichever ones you draw from the hat you use.

Obama:   (Long pause) So, you’re saying that would be wrong then?

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I would like to rectify a grievous error that many of us citizens make when we refer to a politician as an ass.  The fact is that is not what they are, but correctly stated, it is where their heads are stuck at most of the time, either up their own or up someone else’s.  I feel much better having clarified that for everyone.

The public confidence in Congress is at an all time low, even lower than that of the president’s, although he is gaining fast, and to be fair he has only been in office a little over a year. You can’t blame anyone who lacks confidence though, what with nearly every headline you read or hear regarding politicians is about corruption, infidelity, graft and general lack of ethics (a.k.a.  “another day in Congress”.)  It is little wonder that the Tea Party is gaining popularity so fast.  Of course, our members of Congress could get right on board with that if we’d just be willing to change it from tea to a rum and coke party and maybe add a few hookers into the mix (and add a room on the side with free botox injections for Nancy Pelosi.)  It would be one of the few bipartisan ideas that every one of them could support.

The “Nigerian businessman” who just sent you an e-mail asking for your bank information is only a guy in training to become a politician.  Tiger Woods would have made an exceptional politician except that he got caught way too early in his career.  You have to be able to hide these things better than that.  You need to at least get elected first.  Then it is more acceptable because it is totally expected.

There was going to be a new reality show called “Dancing with the Politicians” but it never got on the air.  Because of all the slime it made the floors too slippery and no one could dance.  Plus, could you imagine someone wanting to dance with Harry Reid or Nancy Pelosi?

Another new political reality show being tossed around is entitled “Deal or No Deal on Healthcare”.  They are planning to borrow their advertising slogan from the movie “The Sixth Sense” so when their commercial comes on a kid will come out and say, “I see dead people.”   That should define the show quite well.

There is one more political reality show in the works but this one is strictly for democrats.  Really, the last one was too but they’ll at least pretend to let the republicans play.  This show is called “What Would Ted Kennedy Do?”  The guy who loses has to drive his car off a bridge into a river with a pregnant woman with him.  If he survives he’ll be forced to serve in the Senate for the rest of his life and he’ll be known as “The Liar of the Senate”.  No wait… maybe that was “Lion”… not really sure on that, I’ll have to get back to you.

And last of all, there is going to be a news show just about Congress.  It will be called “The Stimulus Report”.  It will be an expose’ on which congressmen are taking Viagra bribes from the drug companies to let them continue to legally push drugs on the American people.

On that note I am all for throwing a party for Congress at election time….as long as it is the Tea Party.

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