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Here are some funny observations that were made after seeing the news this week as reported by the media:

It looks like the Democrats are going to be doing so badly in November that Obama is considering unfriending the DNC on his Facebook account.

Obama is doing backyard visits now to campaign and he’s combining it with his new plan to reduce the deficit.  So, while he’s in the backyard he’s grilling hamburgers and hot dogs and selling them for a buck a piece.

President Obama plans on training 10,000 new math and science teachers.  All of America was relieved to hear he wasn’t planning to train any teachers using his form of economics.

In a recent poll 53% of voters said they would vote for Obama again…but only if he was able to go back in time and actually become the guy he promised to be in 2008.

A poll by CNN revealed that 51% of the voters wanted Obamacare repealed.  The other 49% couldn’t answer because they were standing in line to start the onerous paperwork in case they got sick before the bill did get repealed.

Sarah Palin got a protective order against someone who was making alleged threats against her.  If only Bristol Palin had gotten an order for protection she would have never made her idiot ex-boyfriend famous.

Mark Zuckerberg, the 26 year old billionaire who founded Facebook, decided he will donate up to $100million to the troubled public school system in Newark , New Jersey.  He has no connection to the school he just thought it seemed like a good idea after talking to their mayor.  It’s foresight like that which could end that young man in the Obama administration.

Denny’s Restaurant has added a vegan burger to their menu, which is a really great idea considering Denny’s is such a hotbed for vegan customers.

Rahm Emmanuel resigned as Obama’s chief of staff because he wants to run for Mayor of Chicago.  Apparently, he feels that being one step away from running the mob is a more powerful position that being one step from running the United States.

…and finally the economy just doesn’t seem to be getting any better, it keeps falling as fast as Lindsay Lohan when she gets out of rehab.

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Here are some more Obama jokes from the late night comedians covering that last few years, including Jay Leno, David Letterman, and Craig Ferguson and others.

From “The Late Show with David Letterman,”  July 24, 2009:

Anybody see President Obama’s press conference last night on television about the health plan? Here’s the deal: it will cost a trillion dollars, but that will be in three easy payments of $330 billion a month, so it’s not that bad.

President Obama, this guy takes everything seriously. He’s very upset about what’s going on in Iran. As a matter of fact, today he announced that he’s going to stop smoking Camels.

So they gave the Queen an iPod. I remember when British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was here, the Obamas gave him a DVD box set. So, it looks like they’re saving the big gift, the Nintendo, for the Pope.

President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax code. He’s concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that’s just in his administration.

People think it’s amazing that the President would take time to leave Washington, D.C., and fly 3,000 miles to come to California. But that happens to a lot of guys when their mother-in-law moves in with them.

President Obama got some good news today. It seems so many of his cabinet appointees have been forced to pay their back taxes, he now gets a finder’s fee from the IRS.

The Obamas are expecting the arrival of the First Dog in April. Actually, it’s Obama’s second choice of a dog. The first dog, he had some tax problems.

President Obama took his first foreign trip as president today up to Canada. He met with the prime minister to discuss one of the greatest threats facing our nation today — Canadian geese.

Prosecutors said Tuesday that there is no evidence that Barack Obama was involved in the Blagojevich scandal. Or, as Fox News reported it, “Is Barack Obama involved in the Blagojevich scandal?”

He’s come up with a great initiative to create two and a half million jobs for America … it’s a wonderful plan, the catch is we all have to move to China.

Tonight: the media reacts to Obama’s cabinet picks. There’s a debate over whether to shower him with praise — or adulation.

Everyone is waiting to see what Barack Obama has planned. We already know his economic plan. It’s designed to help small businesses that make under $250,000 a year. You know, like General Motors and Chrysler.

It’s an exciting time in Washington, Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. And so far, he’s got his mother-in-law gonna be living with him, and he’s talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. So you got your mother-in-law, you got Hillary Clinton — boy, sounds like smooth sailing to me!

It’s an exciting time in Washington, Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. And so far, he’s got his mother-in-law gonna be living with him, and he’s talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. So you got your mother-in-law, you got Hillary Clinton — boy, sounds like smooth sailing to me!

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Here are some more jokes about Obama from the late night comedians:

From “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon,” June 7, 2010:

Today, President Obama spoke at Kalamazoo’s Central High School graduation ceremony in Michigan. He told the students they could be anything they want to be, but if they could be oil leak experts, that would be great.

President Obama said he hopes the volcano will stop smoking soon, and the volcano said the same thing about him.

President Obama filled out his census. I felt bad for the guy. Like he needs another reminder that he lives with his mother-in-law.

Earlier today, the president of Haiti was at the White House to meet with President Obama. He said the people of his country need jobs, they need places to live, and they need health care. And then the president of Haiti spoke.

On the “Today” show this morning, Michelle Obama said she likes having her mother live at the White House because she helps take care of Sasha and Malia. And Barack Obama said he likes having his mother-in-law living at the White House because he has to say that.

On Fox News yesterday, White House senior advisor David Axelrod said that President Obama hasn’t given up on achieving something valuable in Copenhagen [at the U.N. Climate Change Conference]. In one year, we’ve gone from “Yes we can” to “We haven’t totally given up.”

It’s hard to believe there’s only two weeks left in 2009. President Obama is already said to be hard at work on his New Year’s resolutions. His plan for 2010 is to do all the things he said he was going to do this year.

I‘m trying to sum up President Obama’s first eleven months in office. He gave billions to Wall Street, cracked down on illegal immigrants getting health care, and he’s sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. You know something? He may go down in history as our greatest Republican president ever.

One of the top-selling costumes this Halloween is a vampire version of President Obama called Barackula. Not so popular: Congressman Barney Frankenstein.

The Fox News White House correspondent, a man named Major Garrett, has the swine flu. President Obama has ordered Fox News quarantined for up to five years — as long as it takes!

Earlier today, the Nobel Prize for Economics was awarded to a woman for the first time ever. So congratulations, Michelle Obama.

Yesterday morning, Pope Benedict named five new saints to the Catholic Church, though some are questioning whether Obama really deserved it.

The big question now, with the troops in Afghanistan, is how soon can we expect a decision from President Obama on this troop thing? We’ve been waiting, but I don’t think it’s going to happen any time soon. Remember, it took him five months to decide on a puppy.

Next Tuesday, President Obama plans to make a televised speech to the nation’s students during school hours. Many Republicans are planning to keep their kids home from school in protest. As a result, those kids have voted Obama “Best President Ever.”

The Obamas are taking a vacation on Martha’s Vineyard. … And people on Martha’s Vineyard are going crazy and they’re buying Obama t-shirts, they’re buying Obama mugs, they’re buying Obama caps. The only thing they’re not buying is Obama’ s health-care plan.

I want to say happy birthday today to Barack Obama. The president just turned 48 years old — if he was ever really born, that is. … But Obama’s birthday is a reminder of why health care is so important. As you probably know, due to a lack of health care coverage, Obama’s mother was turned away from a number of hospitals and was ultimately forced to give birth in a manger.

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Here are a few funny observations that were made this week from reading about and watching the news:

President Obama has vowed to “keep fighting, every single day, every single hour, every single minute, to turn this economy around.”  In fact, I felt he had just as strong of a resolve as O.J. did when he said he’d find his ex-wife’s real killer.

…I’d bet if O.J. wasn’t in prison Obama would be out on the golf course with him right now talking about their respective resolves.

The President announced that this fall he will campaign for Democrats in four crucial states.  Republicans have offered to fund his trip to make sure he keeps the promise.

Obama’s appearance will be tied to a major “get out to vote” campaign by Democrats.  The Democrats he will be campaigning for have tried a “get out of our state…please…Sir” campaign directed to Obama but so far it has been unsuccessful.

Obama is coming off his resistance, a little bit at least, on extending the Bush tax cuts for the rich.  He has conceded to only raise taxes of registered Republicans who make more than $250,000.

Enough about Obama (and hopefully we’ll be saying that again in 2012)…A recent study shows that obesity caused by drinking can add to brain damage by drinking itself.  I’m pretty sure, though, this is because fat drunks were found to fall down a lot and hit their heads.

Researchers found that a birth control pill was making some women gain as much as 40 lbs. after taking the pill.  On the plus side though, after gaining the 40 lbs. birth control was not now an issue since they no longer had anyone interested in having sex with them.

Tiger Woods has taken up writing to augment his golfing career.  He wrote a new advertising slogan and presented it to Nike, but they, sadly, did not accept the new slogan which was “Just do me”.

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Since we are into the election season this is a good time to keep attention on one of the major issues of the coming election, taxes.  So here are some tax jokes from over the last few years from the late night comedians:

“It’s fitting that April 14 is National Pecan Day because today, we recognize nuts. And tomorrow, on April 15, we pay our taxes to support them.” -Craig Ferguson

“The government is really asking a lot of us this month — first we’re supposed to count how many people live in our home — then we’re supposed to count how much money we owe them. I actually got confused and accidentally sent a check to the census and a member of my household to the IRS. Sorry grandma.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Nobody likes taxes, but they’ve been around forever. Taxes date back all the way back to the year one, when baby Jesus was visited by two wise men and an IRS agent, who demanded half the family’s frankincense.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“The IRS says it’s been getting death threats since the health care bill passed because the IRS is going to be the ones in charge of implementing it. They say the threats people are making to the IRS are so bad, that they are actually hindering the IRS’s ability to threaten people.” –Jay Leno

“Tomorrow is the day to mail in your tax returns, which means tonight is the night to start making fake receipts.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Today is April 1, April Fools’ Day, a day that people try to fool their friends and relatives. Don’t confuse that with April 15, when people try to fool the IRS.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday President Obama said, ‘We can’t continue to treat tax money like monopoly money.’ Oh really — how come all those guys on Wall Street got ‘get out of jail free’ cards?” –Jay Leno

“The healthcare reform bill now includes a tanning booth tax of 10 percent. You know what this means? This whole thing could be funded by the cast of ‘Jersey Shore.’” –Jay Leno

“Regis Philbin’s back in primetime, hosting 11 new episodes of ‘Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.’ But because of Obama’s tax plan, it’s been re-titled ‘Who Wants To Win Just Under $250,000.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.” –Craig Ferguson

“So, it’s pretty crazy. Look, we’re bailing out Wall Street, we’re bailing out banks, we’re bailing out car companies. In fact, did you know there’s a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government?” –Jay Leno

“Your taxes are due a week from today. You can make out your check directly to Halliburton. Or you can do what I’m going to do. I’m filing my first joint return. No, I’m not getting married, I’m sending the IRS an actual joint with a note that says, ‘If you think I’m paying for this war, you must be high.’” –Bill Maher

“While [President Bush] was doing his taxes, under dependents he listed Scooter Libby, Tom DeLay and Jack Abramoff. Then he caught himself, ‘Dependents? Oh, I thought it said defendants.’” –Jay Leno

“Last night in his speech, President Bush called for a complete overhaul of the tax code. He said he was shocked to find out that some millionaires in this country were still paying taxes.” –Jay Leno

“65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse. The other 35% were women.” –Jay Leno

“President Bush says he’s going to simplify the tax code. Only the states that are blue will have to pay.” –-David Letterman

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Here are the funniest jokes of the week from the late night comedians, including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

“President Obama was in Cleveland pitching his latest economic plan. He picked Cleveland because those are the Browns fans, and in September, they’ll believe anything.” –Jay Leno

“There was one awkward moment when the speech ended at lunch time. 9.6 percent of the people had no job to go back to.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama has introduced a $50 billion plan to rebuild the nation’s infrastructure. Now, let’s think back, remember the first $187 billion stimulus package, wasn’t that what that was supposed to do? Remember when we were told about what were called shovel-ready jobs? Whenever Washington talks about shovel-ready jobs, get your shovel ready.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama is trying to back the Republicans into a corner by paying for tax cuts for small businesses with tax hikes on big business. It’s like that old trick when you take two balls and throw one in the air to distract your opponent and throw the other one right at his chest. That’s right, I can explain abstract fiscal policy using analogies about balls. Tomorrow night we will discuss trickle-down economics.” –Craig Ferguson

“So far rich people have been very quiet about the possibility of getting taxes raised on them, but that doesn’t mean they won’t get mad about it, it just means they don’t know about it. Because it takes a while for bad news to reach a rich person. First their accountant has to tell the butler, who has to tell the servant, who wouldn’t dare interrupt their game of croquet.” –Craig Ferguson

“The new taxes are going to put rich people in a very tough spot. Paris Hilton may have to carry her own cocaine. Trump may have to fire the guy who trims that thing on his head. Warren Buffet may have to move in with his cousin Jimmy Buffet.” –Craig Ferguson

“U.S. commanders in Afghanistan are ending their zero-tolerance policy on corruption and allowing local officials who are on our side to be ‘moderately’ corrupt. It’s the same policy we have in Congress.” –Jay Leno

“Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer stopped speaking during an interview and stared blankly at the camera for 30 seconds. The good news is, she’s now eligible to be governor of Alaska.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama will be laying out a new economic plan. Apparently, we had an old economic plan.” –Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton opened the Middle East peace talks and said, “People with a history of conflict can learn to live together.’ And believe me, she knows what she’s talking about.” –Jay Leno

“A teacher has been jailed for six months for assigning her students masturbation as homework. What is happening to our education system? Remember when teachers cared enough to have sex with students personally.” –Jay Leno

“It’s rumored that White House gatecrasher Michaele Salahi is going to pose nude in Playboy. Salahi said her main motivation for posing in Playboy is the fact that no one’s invited her to.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The first ads for medical marijuana have started airing on television in California. The ads are quite expensive. It costs a lot of money to buy 30 seconds during ‘Spongebob Squarepants.’” –Craig Ferguson

“Hillary Clinton is denying rumors that she will replace Joe Biden as the Vice President in 2012. It’s fun to have a Clinton denying stuff again.” –David Letterman

“At the White House yesterday, President Obama told Israelis and Palestinians to reach a peace deal because they might not get another chance soon. That’s not really a peace plan. That’s how you get a 5-year-old to use the bathroom.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama is now trying for peace in the Middle East using a two state solution. I believe the two states are denial and delusion.” –Jay Leno

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Here are some jokes from the late night comedians over the last year covering Obama and the Democratic party.

”President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee said they gave it gave it to Obama partly for his idealism and commitment to global cooperation, but mostly for calling Kanye West a jackass.” –Conan O’Brien

”Here’s some good news. Barack Obama announced he’s bringing home troops from Iraq. That’s right. Unfortunately, he couldn’t get them direct flights home. They have a two-year layover in Afghanistan.” —Jimmy Fallon

”A new study shows that the phrase most often used by President Obama is, ‘Let me be clear.’ The phrase he uses the least often? ‘Let me be specific.”’ —Jay Leno

”CBS News is reporting that President Obama has decided to send 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Obama says it’s all part of his plan to finally deliver on the campaign promises made by John McCain.” —Jimmy Fallon

”Bill Clinton has still got it. He’s still got it. He does! You think it’s easy to pick up two chicks in North Korea? But he did. And he brought them home. The two women are okay. They said they felt violated and dehumanized by their experience. And that was just the flight home.” —Bill Maher

”A new report just came out that says President Obama has mentioned Jesus Christ in more speeches than President Bush did. Can you believe that? Still, neither has used the phrase ‘Oh God, oh God,’ more than President Clinton.” —Conan O’Brien

”Today, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she sees no need for a House resolution in praise of Michael Jackson. Pelosi added, ‘Isn’t it enough that I’m slowly starting to look like him?”’ —Conan O’Bien

”When Vice President Joe Biden heard that President Obama won the Nobel Prize, he was speechless. So, it’s already doing some good.” —Jay Leno

”The birthers believe that the president was secretly born in Kenya. … I always thought he was born in a manger in Jerusalem.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”I don’t know what exactly Clinton said to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il, but it worked, because they released them. And I have to say, it was nice to see Bill Clinton get a release he’s not almost impeached for, for a change.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”Google has announced that they’re going to give free Internet access in airports all across the country. It’s fantastic! Up until now, the only way to see something pornographic at an airport was to follow a senator into the bathroom.” —Craig Ferguson

”In Austin, Texas, President Obama told an audience, ‘If you want to go forward you put your car in ‘D.’ If you want to go backward, you put your car in ‘R.” But you know something? Either way, the economy is still F’d.” —Jay Leno

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Here are some funny observations that were made after watching the news over the last week.

A fugitive drug lord named,”The Barbie”, was captured in Mexico last week.  This is likely to put a real crimp on sales of the Malibu Marijuana Barbie that Mattel was about to release.

A Cincinnati woman had been arrested for simultaneously masturbating with a sex toy and watching a pornographic movie while driving.  Thank god the police got to her before she was able to start texting to her friends about it.

Paris Hilton was arrested for cocaine possession last week.  At first she said it wasn’t her purse with the cocaine.  Later she said she thought the cocaine was gum.  I’ll just bet when she was a young girl her dog used to eat her homework all the time.

Paris will never be mistaken for a bright girl.  To say she was smart would be like saying Congress stood for truth, justice and the American way.

A member of the Obama administration recently tried to take credit for a drop off in illegal immigrants entering the country.  Why would they come here?  Our economy is bad and there is corruption in the government.  That’s what they are trying to get away from.  The only reason they’d come here is because they’d be passing through on their way to Canada.

A plane was forced to land prematurely recently because a woman was scalded by tea.  Come November I believe there will be many Democrats who get scalded by tea as well, or at least by the Tea Party.

Obama has proposed a new jobs program for rebuilding roads, railways and airports.  He’s a little unrealistic though in his hope that it can be finished in time for the November elections.  He was hoping it would make it easier for the incumbents who get voted out to find their way home.

Obama was also heard saying to Joe Biden that a jobs program was needed because they would both be looking for work in a couple years, to which Biden replied, “You got that f___ing right.”

Yesterday was Labor Day but thanks to the stimulus program and many other Obama programs many people were just calling it “another day”.

That 2 year old Indonesian boy who had a 2 pack a day cigarette habit was able to quit by substituting sex every time he had an urge for a cigarette.

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There is a never ending supply of Obama humor because he helps the comedians make it so easy.  Here are some of the best Obama jokes from Late Night.

”President Obama gave his first State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress tonight. Obama focused on the three most critical things he wants Americans to understand: first, that the economy is in a lot of trouble; second, that the road to recovery won’t be easy; and third, that it’s all President Bush’s fault.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”It’s a great day for our president, Barack Obama, who got to meet the Queen of England today. She very regally gave him a photograph of her, and he gave her an iPod! That’s quite an unusual gift from the President. Usually he gives out about $150 million.” —Craig Ferguson

”Did you see this on ‘60 Minutes’ last night? Michelle Obama is planting a vegetable garden on the White House lawn. You know the economy’s bad when the Obamas are afraid of running out of food.” —Jimmy Fallon

”Shocking news out of Illinois today. Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested on corruption charges, including the allegation that he was selling Barack Obama’s vacant senate seat. Now, I personally am surprised Obama even needed a seat. I thought he just levitated.” —Stephen Colbert

”A new Harris poll found that 57 percent of Republicans believe President Obama is a Muslim — 57 percent. 45 percent believe he was not born in the United States. 38 percent feel he’s, quote, ‘doing many of the things that Hitler did.’ And 24 percent believe he may be the Antichrist. Oh, like Oprah would date the Antichrist.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban. A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful. But I said this guy has experience negotiating with the enemy. For gosh sake, he lives with his mother-in-law, you know.” — David Letterman

”You know, it’s hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. Isn’t that amazing? It’s a year. And you know, it’s incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster: The Republican party.” —Jay Leno

”Here’s some good news. Barack Obama announced he’s bringing home troops from Iraq. That’s right. Unfortunately, he couldn’t get them direct flights home. They have a two-year layover in Afghanistan.” —Jimmy Fallon

”President Obama just held his first monthly bipartisan meeting and said that working together on jobs would be a good place to start. You know where else would have been a good place to start? A year ago.” —Jimmy Fallon

”President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He’s concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that’s just in his administration.” —Jay Leno

”Today, by the way, is our president, President Obama’s, one-year anniversary in office. I looked it up. Traditionally on the first anniversary, you give paper, so, I got him his birth certificate.” —Jimmy Kimmel

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Here are some more Obama jokes that I gathered from various places.  No politician  deserves it more,  although there are many others who do deserve it, from both parties.

Barack Obama told Oprah Winfrey that he deserves to get a “good, solid B-plus” for his first year as President. He also claimed that Bo, the White House dog, ate the economy.

America is the china shop; Obama is the bull.

The aliens forgot to remove Obama’s anal probe.

If Barack Obama had been the Commander in Chief of the Sioux and the Cheyenne, George Armstrong Custer would have died of old age.

Q. Why was Obama staring at the frozen orange juice can?

A. It said “concentrate”.

Q. What would you get if you crossed Albert Einstein with Barack Obama?

A. E = MC Hammer

Q. Why did President Obama feel it was necessary for him to apologize to the world and to degrade the United States?

A.  Jimmy Carter had laryngitis.

Q. Why won’t Obama laugh at himself?

A. Because it would be racist.

Like any corrupt Chicago politician, Obama would frequently go the cemetery to register voters. One night he came across a grave so old and worn that he couldn’t make out the name on the tombstone. The staffer holding the flashlight got impatient and suggested that they just move on to the next plot. Obama angrily exclaimed, “This person has as much right to vote as anyone else here!”

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, ‘Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break’? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a ‘Nazi.’ He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a ‘doughnut eating Gestapo.’ He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn’t care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, ‘I ♥ Obama.’ I try to have a little fun each day now that I’m retired. It’s important to my health.

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