According to statistics no new jobs were created in the month of August.  President Obama said he is confident he can keep up this pace of job creation.

After seeing his poll numbers continue to decrease, Obama is still preaching hope and change, but now the hope is that we will change about thinking what a crappy president he is.

It was a kind of chilly in Los Angeles yesterday morning but it still didn’t send chills down my spine like reading the details of Obama’s job plan.

Things are going about normal for the Obama administration.  Two days after announcing his plans to create more jobs Bank of America announced they plan to cut at least 40,000 jobs. (Not a joke, but Karma for the President.)

Republicans asked Obama why it took three years to come up with a jobs plan.  He fell back into the hope and change mantra by replying, “Because your party was getting way to much hope that change was going to take place next November.”

A gunman went into an IHOP in Carson City, Nevada and started shooting.  He said he thought he was in a Denny’s and wanted to spare the people from having to eat their latest extreme meal, the Mac N’ Cheese Big Daddy Patty Melt.

According to a poll most Americans think we are headed in the wrong direction.  The good news is that the President and Congress are so incompetent that they never get us to where we are going anyway.

Homeland Security says you may no longer have to remove your shoes when you fly.  Apparently, they’ve eliminated all the foot fetish perverts that worked for the TSA.

Public nudity is getting so common place in San Francisco that stores will soon have to reprint the signs in their front windows to say “No Shoes, No Pants, No Service.”

Governor of California, Jerry Brown, says some lawmakers think that taxes are like some kind of sexually transmitted disease.  Whereas, Brown and other likeminded politicians think taxes are a way to screw the public.

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“President Obama said in an interview over the weekend that he really misses being anonymous. He said, ‘I miss Saturday mornings rolling out of bed and not shaving, going to the market…’ Be careful what you wish for, 2012 is just around the corner!” –Jay Leno

“President Obama announced that he will run for re-election in 2012. Unfortunately, his popularity is so low that he’s running on the slogan, ‘I’m Michelle Obama’s husband.’” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it’s not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate.” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama escalated the war in Afghanistan, he sent the Navy in to shoot at pirates in the Indian Ocean, and now he’s attacking Libya. It’s like he took the Nobel Peace Prize as an insult.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The situation is deteriorating in Libya and Japan and the stock market is collapsing worldwide. President Obama finally took decisive action. He named Duke, Kansas, Ohio State and Pittsburgh as his Final Four.” —Jay Leno

“President Obama went on ESPN to announce his NCAA tournament picks. Or, as Japan put it, ‘Really?’” —Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama’s approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama says that he prays every night before bed. Or as Fox News reported, ‘Obama in Daily Talks With Allah.’” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama said he was always getting in trouble when he was in middle school. In fact, Obama said he talked so much during class, the teacher had to take away his teleprompter.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha’s basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off.” —Conan O’Brien

“Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card.” —Bill Maher

“It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from ‘Yes we can’ to ‘Yes, we caved.’ It’s so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate.” —Jay Leno

“President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls ‘backyard chats.’ He’s held these in real people’s backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn.” –Jay Leno

“People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt.” –David Letterman

“Well, President Obama said today he’s going to use the gulf disaster to immediately push a new energy bill through Congress. I got an idea. How about first using the gulf disaster to fix the gulf disaster?” —Jay Leno

“Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, ‘We really should change the curtains.’” —Craig Ferguson

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The Roger Clemens trial started.  He was hoping to draft some of the jurors from the Casey Anthony case for his trial.

Roger Clemens is being charged with lying to Congress about taking steroids.  It turns out you’re actually only allowed to lie to Congress if you’re a congressman.

Last week a woman was accused of stealing $110,000 worth of bull semen.  She stole it either because she thought she’d also get the appendage which it came from or she has some very lonely cows at home.

CNN cancelled Elliot Spitzer’s show.  Who knew there was still an Elliot Spitzer show?

Roseanne is going to have a new show on Lifetime.  It’s called Roseanne’s Nuts.  I didn’t even realize she was a transvestite.

If the government is shut down there will be 800,000 non-essential employees out of work.  I guess that means the President, Vice-President, Congress and about 799,500 others will be on the sideline.

The good news is that if the government is shut down you will still be able to be groped by the TSA if you fly somewhere.

The unemployment rate went to 9.2% nationwide or as President Obama would say “the sky is not falling.”  But he does give us hope that we will have change in 2012.

A federal appeals court ruled that the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy in the military is illegal.  This was a major win for gays.  It also opened the door for military recruiters to start buying advertising time on the TV show “Glee.”

Bill Clinton says Americans need to be more innovative.  That could mean many things to many people.  For him I’m guessing he has seen the likes of John Edwards and Arnold Schwarzenegger get their mistresses pregnant so they need to be more innovative with their birth control.

Herman Cain, Republican candidate for President, has some good ideas except that he thinks we should keep the Fed because he says, “What are we going to replace it with?”  My answer to that argument is that if my dog takes a crap in the back yard and I clean it up I don’t need to have it replaced.

Lady Gaga may have an eating disorder.  You had to suspect she had some confusion about food ever since she wore that meat dress.

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It looks more and more like Obama’s only workable exit strategy for Libya, even if unintentional, will be when he loses the 2012 election.

Lady Gaga is going to be writing a fashion column, the meat industry couldn’t be more excited.

I saw an article about using human waste to fuel your car.  Talk about efficient, now when you have to pull over to the side of the road to relieve yourself you can also fill up the tank at the same time.

Last week Moammar Kahdafi  had a bad week, first  he lost his Foreign Minister when he defected and now the plastic surgeon who gave him facial plastic surgery went out of business because it ruined his reputation.

In an interview with ABC President Obama said he prays every night before he goes to bed…and apparently that’s all he’s been doing to handle the country.

A cobra from the Bronx zoo had escaped last week but they found him and returned him very quickly.  If only they could get the snakes out of the government that fast and return them to the zoo where they belong we’d all be so much better for it.

Facebook has gotten a lot of credit for helping to create new relationships.  Now it’s also getting blamed for breaking up relationships as divorce lawyers are going to court with Facebook evidence of inappropriate flirting, cheating and who know what kind of unseemly acts with Farmville animals.

Nike is planning a new Cheech and Chong sneaker. In these even if you are too fat to jump high you can get high without ever leaving the ground.

McDonald’s is planning to hire 50,000 new workers in one day.  Something smells bad about this deal and it’s not just the McDonald’s food after it’s been digested.  This is going to make the Obama administration look very good even while most of the jobs are going to be temporary.  I wouldn’t be surprised if there aren’t going to be some big “McFavors” from the Obama administration sliding under those tiny little table in their restaurants.

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“It’s one humiliation after another for Moammar Gadhafi.  First his own people started rising up against him, then his compound was bombed, and now he’s getting beaten up by the French.” –Jay Leno

“Germany has pulled its forces out of NATO over Libya. When the Germans don’t want to fight and the French do, the whole world is upside down.” –Jay Leno

“We’re fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we’d be fighting if President Obama hadn’t won the Nobel Peace Prize.” –Jay Leno

“According to a new study, hangovers get worse as you age. The older you are, the worse it is to get bombed. Khadafi said, ‘Tell me about it.’” –Jay Leno

“According to reports, Khadafi is surrounded by an elite corps of female bodyguards, all of whom are virgins. In a related story, today Charlie Sheen invaded Libya.” –Conan O’Brien

“On a trip to Israel, Sarah Palin asked the Israelis why they’re apologizing all the time. They responded saying, ‘Because we told everyone Tina Fey was coming.’” –Conan O’Brien

“The NAACP is taking a greater interest in attracting leaders from the gay community. This explains their new name, the ‘National Association for the Advancement of Color-Coordinated People.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump says he will run for president. He’ll have to find a cabinet position for that thing on his head.” –David Letterman

“Trump says that if he’s elected, he won’t let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant.” –David Letterman

“How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he’d use Hair Force One.” –David Letterman

“President Obama has to cut his trip to Latin America short because of the situation in Libya — and to check on his NCAA brackets.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“A man in Texas used his obituary to ask for donations to anyone running against Obama in 2012. And then his ghost was offered a nightly show on Fox News.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary Clinton said that Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi is engaged in ‘theater.’ Which explains the new strategy to defeat him: casting him as the lead in ‘Spider-Man: the Musical.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“We know more about President Obama’s basketball picks than his plans for Libya.” –Jay Leno

“California Marijuana farmers are worried that radiation from Japan could affect their crops. Or maybe for some strange reason they’re just being paranoid.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is doing business in Latin America this week. I guess regular America isn’t good enough for him anymore.” –Jimmy Kimmel

‘President Obama is in Chile. The President of Chile said Michelle Obama is very good looking, and Obama said the same thing about the Chilean President’s wife. I’m not sure this is the kind of trade agreement he went there to negotiate.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Everyone is focused on March Madness but there haven’t been any games in a few days. It’s been so boring that President Obama has decided to focus on the situations in Libya and Japan.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Remember when President Obama said we can’t fight two wars and vowed to change our policy? Well, he did. Now we’re fighting three wars.” –Jay Leno

“Obama said we will send economic aid to Libya to help the Libyan people reach their dreams. And if that works, they’ll try it here.” –Jay Leno

“Rich people are buying Geiger counters. Poor people are putting bags of microwave popcorn on the windowsill. If it starts popping, get the hell out.” –Jay Leno

“The Pentagon held a press-conference about the military operation in Libya. They are calling it Odyssey Dawn. I believe it’s the first military operation named after a stripper” –David Letterman

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Here are some of the  best jokes about President Obama from the late night comedians covering the last year or more:

“President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha’s basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off.” —Conan O’Brien

“It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from ‘Yes we can’ to ‘Yes, we caved.’ It’s so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate.” —Jay Leno

“President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls ‘backyard chats.’ He’s held these in real people’s backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn.” –Jay Leno

“People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt.” –David Letterman

“Well, President Obama said today he’s going to use the gulf disaster to immediately push a new energy bill through Congress. I got an idea. How about first using the gulf disaster to fix the gulf disaster?” —Jay Leno

“Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, ‘We really should change the curtains.’” —Craig Ferguson

“At a stop in Buffalo today, a woman walks up to President Obama and says, ‘You’re a hottie with a smokin’ little body.’ She said that to the president of the United States. I tell you, Betty White is out of control.” —Jay Leno

“Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias ‘Barack Obama’ while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them.” —Jimmy Fallon

“This is kind of crazy. I don’t know if I believe this. A new Harris poll found that 57 percent of Republicans believe President Obama is a Muslim — 57 percent. 45 percent believe he was not born in the United States. 38 percent feel he’s, quote, ‘doing many of the things that Hitler did.’ And 24 percent believe he may be the Antichrist. Oh, like Oprah would date the Antichrist.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“A year into Obama’s first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, “Well, technically that is change.” – Jimmy Fallon

“You know, it’s hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. Isn’t that amazing? It’s a year. And you know, it’s incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster: The Republican party.” -Jay Leno

“Today, by the way, is our president, President Obama’s, one-year anniversary in office. I looked it up. Traditionally on the first anniversary, you give paper, so, I got him his birth certificate.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“That’s pretty amazing, Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize.” –Jay Leno

Here are some funny New Year’s resolutions that I’m guessing might have been made by some famous people this year:

President Obama has sworn off any new tax cuts and has promised his liberal base he would attend tax cutter’s anonymous.

To his new non-partisan fans Obama has pledged no new stimulus packages.

Last one for Obama, he has promised to not add any more new personalities to his Schizophenia.   (The current ones include centrist, non-partisan, Muslim, Christian,Kenyan, American, communist, socialist and liberal, et. al.)

Hillary Clinton has resolved to never be seen in public in anything but a pants suit.  (Okay, she doesn’t like to make new resolutions so she just carries them over from one year to the next, e.g. “keep an eye on Bill, he may be cheating,” is one she’s had since they’ve been married.)

Larry King, now that he no longer has his show, has resolved to spend more time with his family.  In other words, he wants to have sex with other family members, not just his sister-in-law.

Al Gore has resolved to no longer be boring.   (Oops! Another resolution that never made it past  January 1st.)

Credit card companies have resolved to no longer be arbitrary in their decisions to cancel people’s credit or raise interest rates.  From now on they will simply make all their decisions with the flip of a coin.

Ben Bernake, since dropping money out of helicopters has not worked metaphorically, has vowed to literally drop money out of helicopters.

Congress has vowed to take on the really big issues such as a playoff series for college football and take on those little pesky issues like war, the economy and jobs when they can find the time.

Lindsay Lohan has resolved to write a new book this year entitled, Sobriety for the Insane.

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”In Austin, Texas, President Obama told an audience, ‘If you want to go forward you put your car in ‘D.’ If you want to go backward, you put your car in ‘R.” But you know something? Either way, the economy is still F’d.” —Jay Leno

”Scott Brown posed naked for Cosmo when he was in law school. See back then, GOP stood for Grand Old Package.” —Jay Leno

‘There are rumors that there is a John Edwards sex tape. People say it’s twenty minutes of Edwards caressing and stroking…And that’s just the part where he fixes his hair.” —Craig Ferguson

”On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices.” —Jay Leno

”On Glenn Beck’s radio show, Sarah Palin accidentally said, ‘We have to stand with our North Korean allies.’ Then Palin was like, ‘Wait. North Korea’s the one in the south, right?”’ —Jimmy Fallon

”One of John McCain’s former top campaign aides says that when he talked to Sarah Palin after McCain picked her to be his running mate, she said it was ‘God’s plan.’ So, apparently, God wanted Obama to win.” —Jay Leno

”On his book tour President Bush is being very candid. He says he used to do stupid things when he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn’t had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?” —David Letterman

”Promoting his new book, President Bush visited the headquarters of Facebook. Unfortunately, he spent the whole visit on Farmville, clearing brush.” —Conan O’Brien

”WikiLeaks supporters have hacked into Sarah Palin’s credit card information after she criticized Julian Assange. Sarah said she’s very upset, and hopes all suspicious charges to her account can be refundiated.” —Jimmy Fallon

‘You know who is on the program tonight? Mitt Romney is here. Mitt Romney is a good-looking Republican from Massachusetts. You know, he’s like that new senator from Massachusetts. He’s like Scott Brown, but with pants.” —David Letterman

‘A new Harris poll found that 57 percent of Republicans believe President Obama is a Muslim — 57 percent. 45 percent believe he was not born in the United States. 38 percent feel he’s, quote, ‘doing many of the things that Hitler did.’ And 24 percent believe he may be the Antichrist. Oh, like Oprah would date the Antichrist.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That’s not the general’s job. That is my job.” —Jay Leno

”Have you heard the TSA’s new slogan? ‘We handle more junk than eBay.”’ —Jay Leno

”TSA says they are going to crack down on the invasive pat-downs. In fact, one agent was transferred to another parish.” —David Letterman

”President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls ‘backyard chats.’ He’s held these in real people’s backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn.” —Jay Leno

”Here’s big news: United States Senate reconfirms chairman of the Fed. Ben Bernanke was reconfirmed. So he’ll have the job for four more years. I just hope we have an economy for four more years.” —David Letterman

”I understand it’s not going to be a traditional wedding. Rumor is that Bristol asked Levi to wear his camouflage hunting vest. Which would be the closest he’s ever come to wearing protection of any kind.” —Jay Leno, on Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston’s wedding

”Democrats are calling Christine O’Donnell ‘the Sarah Palin of the East.’ Really? She’s a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That’s not Sarah Palin, that’s Joe Biden.” —Craig Ferguson

”President Obama held a ceremony at the White House to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. In response, Republicans said, ‘It’s even worse than we thought. He’s a Jewish Muslim.”’ —Conan O’Brien

”You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I’m telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.” —David Letterman

darnfunnyonline.com

According to a new Washington Post poll 59% of Americans think we are on the wrong track.  The other 41% asked, “There’s a track?”

President Obama had a book thrown at him at a rally in Philadelphia which gave the idea to the Attorney Generals of all the red states of throwing the book at him for Obamacare.

The Secret Service decided the guy that threw the book at Obama did it innocently enough and they didn’t press charges.  I’m sure they would have decided differently if there had been a copy of a Constitution in the book.

Brett Farve is accused of propositioning women with lewd photos and text messages.  If he’s not careful he’ll be drafted to run for political office after he retires from football.

In one of the most watched Senate races in the country Republican Sharon Angle will get a big boost this week when both Obama and Joe Biden will be in Nevada to campaign for Harry Reid.

Starbucks is now telling its baristas to slow down, make it special, don’t prepare people’s orders so quickly.  Apparently, someone in management has switched from drinking coffee to smoking pot.

Obama’s polygamist brother, who is 52 years old, married a 19 year old Kenyan woman, his 3^rd Kenyan wife.  It sounds like he is more of a Bill Clinton admirer than he is a Barack Obama admirer.

If he were following his brother’s lead he would he would have charged the girl a fee to marry him, then had her fill out extensive forms with a 30-90 day approval time as well as comply with numerous other unnecessary regulations that his other wives would be in charge of approving and that is how he justifies having the extra wives.  The 19 year old would, of course, be getting screwed the whole time.

…and finally, isn’t it fitting that election day is so close to Halloween.  I can’t think of anything more haunting than the idea of incumbents getting re-elected.

darnfunnyonline.com

”I’m trying to sum up President Obama’s first 11 months in office. He gave billions to Wall Street, cracked down on illegal immigrants getting health care, and he’s sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. You know something, he may go down in history as our greatest Republican president ever.” —Jay Leno

”I don’t know what exactly Clinton said to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il, but it worked, because they released them. And I have to say, it was nice to see Bill Clinton get a release he’s not almost impeached for, for a change.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”Bill Clinton has still got it. He’s still got it. He does! You think it’s easy to pick up two chicks in North Korea? But he did. And he brought them home. The two women are okay. They said they felt violated and dehumanized by their experience. And that was just the flight home.” —Bill Maher

”When you think about it and think about what it meant at the time and what it has meant since it really is one of those things that in our lifetime we have been tremendously lucky to observe the end of the wall in Berlin. The wall came down 20 years ago today. And that signaled the end of communism. Until, of course, Obama and his pinko buddies took over.” —David Letterman

”When Vice President Joe Biden heard that President Obama won the Nobel Prize, he was speechless. So, it’s already doing some good.” —Jay Leno

”Democrats are calling Christine O’Donnell ‘the Sarah Palin of the East.’ Really? She’s a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That’s not Sarah Palin, that’s Joe Biden.” —Craig Ferguson

”A man in Washington, D.C., was apprehended by Secret Service yesterday for taking off his clothes and jogging naked near the White House. In related news, I say that’s probably the last time Biden ever takes Ambien.” —Jimmy Fallon

”President Obama’s teleprompter fell to the ground and shattered yesterday during a speech on the economy. Wow, even speeches about the economy are crashing.” —Jimmy Fallon

”Today, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she sees no need for a House resolution in praise of Michael Jackson. Pelosi added, ‘Isn’t it enough that I’m slowly starting to look like him?”’ —Conan O’Bien

”Bill Clinton revealed that he now supports same-sex marriage, even though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his presidency, he also opposed his own marriage.” —Jimmy Fallon

”There are rumors that there is a John Edwards sex tape. People say it’s twenty minutes of Edwards caressing and stroking…And that’s just the part where he fixes his hair.” —Craig Ferguson

”President Obama says he will not support a healthcare plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, ‘pull the plug on Grandma.’ Apparently, Obama’s plan calls for the much quicker pillow option.” —Conan O’Brien

”CBS News is reporting that President Obama has decided to send 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Obama says it’s all part of his plan to finally deliver on the campaign promises made by John McCain.” —Jimmy Fallon

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