”President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee said they gave it gave it to Obama partly for his idealism and commitment to global cooperation, but mostly for calling Kanye West a jackass.” –Conan O’Brien

”Here’s some good news. Barack Obama announced he’s bringing home troops from Iraq. That’s right. Unfortunately, he couldn’t get them direct flights home. They have a two-year layover in Afghanistan.” —Jimmy Fallon

”A new study shows that the phrase most often used by President Obama is, ‘Let me be clear.’ The phrase he uses the least often? ‘Let me be specific.”’ —Jay Leno

”CBS News is reporting that President Obama has decided to send 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Obama says it’s all part of his plan to finally deliver on the campaign promises made by John McCain.” —Jimmy Fallon

”Bill Clinton has still got it. He’s still got it. He does! You think it’s easy to pick up two chicks in North Korea? But he did. And he brought them home. The two women are okay. They said they felt violated and dehumanized by their experience. And that was just the flight home.” —Bill Maher

”A new report just came out that says President Obama has mentioned Jesus Christ in more speeches than President Bush did. Can you believe that? Still, neither has used the phrase ‘Oh God, oh God,’ more than President Clinton.” —Conan O’Brien

”Today, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she sees no need for a House resolution in praise of Michael Jackson. Pelosi added, ‘Isn’t it enough that I’m slowly starting to look like him?”’ —Conan O’Bien

”When Vice President Joe Biden heard that President Obama won the Nobel Prize, he was speechless. So, it’s already doing some good.” —Jay Leno

”The birthers believe that the president was secretly born in Kenya. … I always thought he was born in a manger in Jerusalem.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”I don’t know what exactly Clinton said to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il, but it worked, because they released them. And I have to say, it was nice to see Bill Clinton get a release he’s not almost impeached for, for a change.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”Google has announced that they’re going to give free Internet access in airports all across the country. It’s fantastic! Up until now, the only way to see something pornographic at an airport was to follow a senator into the bathroom.” —Craig Ferguson

”In Austin, Texas, President Obama told an audience, ‘If you want to go forward you put your car in ‘D.’ If you want to go backward, you put your car in ‘R.” But you know something? Either way, the economy is still F’d.” —Jay Leno

darnfunnyonline.com

A fugitive drug lord named,”The Barbie”, was captured in Mexico last week.  This is likely to put a real crimp on sales of the Malibu Marijuana Barbie that Mattel was about to release.

A Cincinnati woman had been arrested for simultaneously masturbating with a sex toy and watching a pornographic movie while driving.  Thank god the police got to her before she was able to start texting to her friends about it.

Paris Hilton was arrested for cocaine possession last week.  At first she said it wasn’t her purse with the cocaine.  Later she said she thought the cocaine was gum.  I’ll just bet when she was a young girl her dog used to eat her homework all the time.

Paris will never be mistaken for a bright girl.  To say she was smart would be like saying Congress stood for truth, justice and the American way.

A member of the Obama administration recently tried to take credit for a drop off in illegal immigrants entering the country.  Why would they come here?  Our economy is bad and there is corruption in the government.  That’s what they are trying to get away from.  The only reason they’d come here is because they’d be passing through on their way to Canada.

A plane was forced to land prematurely recently because a woman was scalded by tea.  Come November I believe there will be many Democrats who get scalded by tea as well, or at least by the Tea Party.

Obama has proposed a new jobs program for rebuilding roads, railways and airports.  He’s a little unrealistic though in his hope that it can be finished in time for the November elections.  He was hoping it would make it easier for the incumbents who get voted out to find their way home.

Obama was also heard saying to Joe Biden that a jobs program was needed because they would both be looking for work in a couple years, to which Biden replied, “You got that f___ing right.”

Yesterday was Labor Day but thanks to the stimulus program and many other Obama programs many people were just calling it “another day”.

That 2 year old Indonesian boy who had a 2 pack a day cigarette habit was able to quit by substituting sex every time he had an urge for a cigarette.

darnfunnyonline.com

”President Obama gave his first State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress tonight. Obama focused on the three most critical things he wants Americans to understand: first, that the economy is in a lot of trouble; second, that the road to recovery won’t be easy; and third, that it’s all President Bush’s fault.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”It’s a great day for our president, Barack Obama, who got to meet the Queen of England today. She very regally gave him a photograph of her, and he gave her an iPod! That’s quite an unusual gift from the President. Usually he gives out about $150 million.” —Craig Ferguson

”Did you see this on ‘60 Minutes’ last night? Michelle Obama is planting a vegetable garden on the White House lawn. You know the economy’s bad when the Obamas are afraid of running out of food.” —Jimmy Fallon

”Shocking news out of Illinois today. Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested on corruption charges, including the allegation that he was selling Barack Obama’s vacant senate seat. Now, I personally am surprised Obama even needed a seat. I thought he just levitated.” —Stephen Colbert

”A new Harris poll found that 57 percent of Republicans believe President Obama is a Muslim — 57 percent. 45 percent believe he was not born in the United States. 38 percent feel he’s, quote, ‘doing many of the things that Hitler did.’ And 24 percent believe he may be the Antichrist. Oh, like Oprah would date the Antichrist.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban. A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful. But I said this guy has experience negotiating with the enemy. For gosh sake, he lives with his mother-in-law, you know.” — David Letterman

”You know, it’s hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. Isn’t that amazing? It’s a year. And you know, it’s incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster: The Republican party.” —Jay Leno

”Here’s some good news. Barack Obama announced he’s bringing home troops from Iraq. That’s right. Unfortunately, he couldn’t get them direct flights home. They have a two-year layover in Afghanistan.” —Jimmy Fallon

”President Obama just held his first monthly bipartisan meeting and said that working together on jobs would be a good place to start. You know where else would have been a good place to start? A year ago.” —Jimmy Fallon

”President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He’s concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that’s just in his administration.” —Jay Leno

”Today, by the way, is our president, President Obama’s, one-year anniversary in office. I looked it up. Traditionally on the first anniversary, you give paper, so, I got him his birth certificate.” —Jimmy Kimmel

darnfunnyonline.com

Barack Obama told Oprah Winfrey that he deserves to get a “good, solid B-plus” for his first year as President. He also claimed that Bo, the White House dog, ate the economy.

America is the china shop; Obama is the bull.

The aliens forgot to remove Obama’s anal probe.

If Barack Obama had been the Commander in Chief of the Sioux and the Cheyenne, George Armstrong Custer would have died of old age.

Q. Why was Obama staring at the frozen orange juice can?

A. It said “concentrate”.

Q. What would you get if you crossed Albert Einstein with Barack Obama?

A. E = MC Hammer

Q. Why did President Obama feel it was necessary for him to apologize to the world and to degrade the United States?

A.  Jimmy Carter had laryngitis.

Q. Why won’t Obama laugh at himself?

A. Because it would be racist.

Like any corrupt Chicago politician, Obama would frequently go the cemetery to register voters. One night he came across a grave so old and worn that he couldn’t make out the name on the tombstone. The staffer holding the flashlight got impatient and suggested that they just move on to the next plot. Obama angrily exclaimed, “This person has as much right to vote as anyone else here!”

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, ‘Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break’? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a ‘Nazi.’ He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a ‘doughnut eating Gestapo.’ He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn’t care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, ‘I ♥ Obama.’ I try to have a little fun each day now that I’m retired. It’s important to my health.

darnfunnyonline.com

Obama has decided to change the name of “Air Force One,” the Presidential jet. He’s going to rename it “Air Force The One.”

Under both ObamaCare and the Clunker program, bills are divided into parts and labor.

Astronomers have spotted an object in space that they say is potentially dangerous, yet for a year it’s just sat out there and has done nothing. For that, they’ve named the object COMET OBAMA.

And marine biologists have spotted the deepest living fish ever, near the ocean floor at the Earth’s lowest point. They’re calling it, the Barack Obama Approval Ratings Fish.

You remember the Reagan era, when Ronald Reagan was President, and Bob Hope and Johnny Cash were still with us? Well, now we have Obama, no hope, and no cash.

Q: What is the difference between ObamaCare and a car battery?

A: The battery has a positive side.

Exhausted and ill from the effort of enacting the Obama healthcare plan, an elderly Senator goes to the doctor. Doctor says, “I have bad news, good news, and bad news, Senator. The bad news is that you only have six months to live. But the good news is that there’s an operation that is 100% successful in curing this illness.” “That sounds great, Doctor,” says the Senator, “but what’s the other bad news?” The Doctor replies, “The Department of Health and Human Services says the first available slot is seven months from today.”

In the washroom at the airport I saw a handwritten sign posted over one of those hot air hand dryers: “Please push button and listen for a short message from the President!”……….There’s nothing like “hot air” and the smell of crap to give you that true Obama experience!!!!

New bumper sticker:

Obama lied, the economy died.

Q. Why did Obama cross the road?

A. Actually, Obama promised to cross the road, but then he didn’t.

If Obama had half a brain, his butt would be lopsided.

President Obama is to statesmanship as an Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

darnfunnyonline.com

“Big day in Detroit. You may have heard about this. The Obama Administration asked General Motors C.E.O. Rick Wagoner to step down, and he agreed, which is good news for Obama. You know, the last time he tried to get someone to quit, it took months. And even then, he had to promise her a job as Secretary of State.” –Jay Leno

“Today, President Obama announced he is using his own money to redecorate the White House. Meanwhile, he is using taxpayers’ money to redecorate the houses of A.I.G. executives.” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He’s concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that’s just in his administration.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama has asked the Senate to cut $50 billion from the economic stimulus plan. Yeah, Obama says the government will no longer need the $50 billion once everyone in his Cabinet pays their back taxes.” –Conan O’Brien

“And during his inaugural address yesterday, President Barack Obama said, ‘Millions of Americans have lost their homes and some of us who still have homes have their mother-in-laws moving in with them.’” –Jay Leno

“President-elect Barack Obama had his first day in Washington. Obama said he got a little choked up as he left his house in Chicago for Washington D.C. It was especially painful because as soon as he left, Governor Blagojevich sold his house.” –Jay Leno

“Shocking news out of Illinois today. Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested on corruption charges, including the allegation that he was selling Barack Obama’s vacant senate seat. Now, I personally am surprised Obama even needed a seat. I thought he just levitated.” –Stephen Colbert

“Barack Obama said yesterday that the economy was ‘going to get worse before it gets better.’ See, that’s when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election? ‘The audacity of hope!’ ‘Yes, we can!’ ‘A change we can believe in!’ Now it’s, ‘We’re all screwed.’” –Jay Leno

“Barack Obama plans to issue an executive order on his first full day in office, directing the closing of Guantanamo Bay. He said he needs the money for new prisons to hold Democratic mayors and governors.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama announced his new economic team. You know what he should do? Hire those people who were in charge of his fundraising campaign. We can pay this thing off in like a week.” –Jay Leno

“Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he’s got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me.” –David Letterman

“People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt.” –David Letterman

“Obama is getting his mojo back. Apparently, he’s going to get this financial package. That’s right, the financial package is going through. He got healthcare. He got that nuclear weapons treaty… He’s on a roll and he’s taunting his critics. His new slogan is, ‘Change You Can Suck On.’” —Bill Maher

“A year into Obama’s first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, “Well, technically that is change.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations.” –Jay Leno

darnfunnyonline.com

“A year into Obama’s first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, “Well, technically that is change.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias ‘Barack Obama’ while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Obama is getting his mojo back. Apparently, he’s going to get this financial package. That’s right, the financial package is going through. He got healthcare. He got that nuclear weapons treaty… He’s on a roll and he’s taunting his critics. His new slogan is, ‘Change You Can Suck On.’” —Bill Maher

“Today, by the way, is our president, President Obama’s, one-year anniversary in office. I looked it up. Traditionally on the first anniversary, you give paper, so, I got him his birth certificate.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“That’s pretty amazing, Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley — all dependents.” –Jay Leno

“Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations.” –Jay Leno

“As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing.” –Jay Leno

“It’s a great day for our president, Barack Obama, who got to meet the Queen of England today. She very regally gave him a photograph of her, and he gave her an iPod! That’s quite an unusual gift from the President. Usually he gives out about $150 million.” –Craig Ferguson

“Today, President Obama announced he is using his own money to redecorate the White House. Meanwhile, he is using taxpayers’ money to redecorate the houses of A.I.G. executives.” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He’s concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that’s just in his administration.” –Jay Leno

darnfunnyonline.com

The CEO of BP has vowed to make reparations to people effected by the oil spill and to take full responsibility for any ecological damage it may have caused.  Meanwhile, O.J. Simpson is still diligently looking for the killers of his ex-wife.

Obama is planning to visit the gulf oil spill again this week.  He thinks it’s a good opportunity to show he can actually walk on water.

Since BP is a British company it’s a safe bet that the oil spill wasn’t caused by negligence of the workers being off doing extra  brushing or flossing of their teeth.

Rod Blagojevich’s lawyer says the former governor of Illinois “ain’t corrupt.”  So, apparently, the lawyers and politicians in Illinois are not just criminal but they also don’t speak the language that well either.

Blagojevich plans to land on his feet no matter what happens during his trial so he plans to start a new reality show called Bad Haircuts of the Stars.  He and Donald Trump will be the first contestants.

The slogan many of the incumbent congressmen plan to use in the November election is, “They’ll probably suck worse than I do.”

Greece is playing in the World Cup but they are not being too successful because they can’t afford transportation for all the players for each game.

Maybe Obama is being very critical of BP’s CEO because he wants his job after he is voted out in 2012.  After all, when you run a public company you are spending other people’s money and who is better at that than Obama.

If anyone ever accused Obama of being stingy with the taxpayer’s money it would be like accusing George Bush of over thinking a situation.

darnfunnyonline.com

If John McCain was a Maverick, then Barack Obama is a GMC* Pacer. (*Government Motor Company)

Barack got his ObamaCare votes the old fashioned way. He bought ‘em.

Dear Lord, you took my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze. You took my favorite actress, Farah Fawcett. You took my  favorite singer, Michael Jackson. I just wanted to let you know that my favorite President is Barack Obama. Amen.

The Obama economy utilizes a system of carefully monitored checks and balances. He writes the checks, you pay the balance.

Obama is looking forward to retirement, so that he’ll finally have the time to actually read his new healthcare law.

Everyone who believes that ObamaCare will work is entitled to free psychological help.

Q. Why is the healthcare plan called ObamaCare instead of ObamaCares?

A. Because he doesn’t.

ObamaCare will provide taxpayers with plenty of bitter pills.

Obama just gave America a trillion dollar budget deficit. Let’s hope he never learns that there are numbers that come after a trillion.

Q. If the Obama administration was a football division, what would the teams be called?

A. The Stealers, the Bills, the Chargers and the Lyings.

President Obama decided to do one of his public addresses against the backdrop of an American farm, but the ceremony couldn’t get started because of all the flies buzzing around his head. Obama demanded to know why the flies wouldn’t leave, so the farmer explained to him, “Well, those are called circle flies. They always circle around the back end of horses.” Obama angrily replied, “Hey, are you saying that I’m a horse’s ass?” The farmer answered, “No Sir, Mister President. I would never call someone a horse’s ass. It’s hard to fool them flies though.”

Q. Why is ObamaCare like an apple a day?
A. It keeps your doctor away.

darnfunnyonline.com

According to the Pentagon Al-Qaeda is in financial ruin.  It’s so bad that when they filed their income tax this year they got money back from an earned income credit.

Al-Qaeda is having such a tough time financially that they layed off all their contracted suicide bombers and now are only hiring temps.

Kate Gosselin has said recently that she regrets things that she has said to Jon…highest on the list I’m sure was, “Okay, let’s get married.”

Lady Gaga has announced recently that she is celibate.  This is likely in honor of April being the official STD Month.

Larry King has filed for divorce from his seventh wife, apparently this was after having cheated on his wife with her younger sister.  Rumor had it that he has been a long time mentor of Tiger Woods and Jesse James.

Obama did his taxes last week and he was very happy when he learned he could claim the banks and car makers as dependents.  When he told Joe Biden, Joe said, “That’s a big f___ing deal.”

And finally…A recent survey says that 35% of men are turned off by women with fake boobs.  The survey does fail to mention that the men were asked this question in the company of their wives.   Another 30% gave no opinion to the question.  With these men their wives were standing close enough that they didn’t want to take a chance.

darnfunnyonline.com