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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

Martha Stewart told Matt Lauer on the “Today” show that she is looking for a man on Match.com. You would think it’d be easy for someone like Martha Stewart, but it is not. It’s tough for her. A lot of guys don’t want to get involved with an ex-con. –Jay Leno

In baseball news, the Chicago Cubs said they will move if improvements are not made to Wrigley Field. And today Wrigley Field said it will move if improvements are not made to the Chicago Cubs. –Jay Leno

The U.S. government apparently spent millions of dollars in cash to fund various dubious government projects in Afghanistan — including solar panels and wind farms that never work. No, I’m sorry. That’s what we did here. I had it backwards. –Jay Leno

Researchers now believe the first settlers who settled in America, in Jamestown, resorted to cannibalism. The first settlers ate each other. Good thing that didn’t catch on. That would have changed Thanksgiving, don’t you think? –Jay Leno

More news keeps coming out about Jason Collins, the NBA player who revealed he’s gay. It turns out he’s a free agent looking for someone to sign him. He’s got some interest from Chicago. Not the Bulls, the Broadway musical. -Conan O’Brien

Domino’s Pizza customers can now order a pizza and watch it being made online. A spokesperson for Domino’s said this way their customers can see exactly what went wrong. -Conan O’Brien

The Chicago Cubs are considering leaving Wrigley Field if they don’t get a bigger scoreboard. Then someone reminded the Cubs for the amount of runs they get, they don’t need a scoreboard. -Conan O’Brien

A new study reveals that up to 41 percent of college graduates are working in jobs that don’t require a degree. By the way, I’m one of them. -Conan O’Brien

Martha Stewart has signed up with Match.com, the dating thing. And she’s been taking dating tips from the CEO of Match.com. And I thought, “Wait a minute. That’s insider dating.” –David Letterman

In New York City every year, we have the Tony Awards. We carry them right here on CBS. To make them more exciting, CBS has renamed them the “Jimmies.” –David Letterman

There’s another new category this year in the Tony Awards — best performance by a guy dragged against his will to a Broadway show. –David Letterman

It’s been two years since the SEAL team busted in and got Osama bin Laden. On the night of the raid, the guy never knew what hit him. It’s like being married to a Kardashian. –David Letterman

Martha Stewart is on the prowl. Martha Stewart is now on Match.com. She’s 71, and says she’s looking for a man between 55 and 70 and is not looking to have kids. What 70-year-old woman is looking to have kids? –Jimmy Kimmel

Martha says she’s a fan of the symphony, opera, and rap. I like that. She spent three months in prison and all of a sudden she’s Tupac listening to rap. –Jimmy Kimmel

What kind of rap does Martha Stewart like? Gift wrap. –Jimmy Kimmel

We ran all her information and we determined the best match for Martha. We looked to find someone who’s single, successful, likes kids, age appropriate, athletic, and knows what is it’s like to go through a scandal. I think we were able to find the right man. Arnold Schwarzenegger. –Jimmy Kimmel

Vice President Joe Biden’s plane is apparently stuck in Arizona because of problems with its engine. Officials say they’re trying to fix it as fast as they can. But Obama was like, “No rush.” –Jimmy Fallon

An elementary school here in New York City has become the first school in the country to serve only vegetarian food. Apparently the school board wants to give kids a head start in being difficult at restaurants. –Jimmy Fallon

That’s right. A school is serving only vegetarian foods, like tofu. Now when bullies say, “Give me your lunch money,” students are like, “Here, take it.” –Jimmy Fallon

The FDA has just ruled that girls as young as 15 can now obtain the contraceptive Plan B without a prescription. Before that, most teenagers’ Plan B was getting a show on MTV.  –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama held a press conference today. He said he still wants to close the Guantanamo Bay prison facility, but he doesn’t know how to do it. He should do what he always does. Declare it a small business and tax it out of existence. -Jay Leno

Yesterday Tim Tebow was cut by the New York Jets, although today he did sign with somebody: ChristianMingle.com. So good for him. . -Jay Leno

There’s now talk here in California of letting noncitizens serve on juries. The bad news: If you’re ever on trial for underpaying your nanny, you could get the death penalty. . -Jay Leno

Happy birthday to Willie Nelson. He’s 80 years old. God bless him. Willie has finally reached the age he’s looked for the last 30 years. . -Jay Leno

Yesterday President Obama said that the prison at Guantanamo Bay needs to be closed. To make sure it closes quickly, they’re turning it into a Blockbuster Video. -Conan O’Brien

NBA player Jason Collins’ former fiancee said she had no clue he was gay. Then she showed off an engagement ring given to her by her former fiance, Richard Simmons. -Conan O’Brien

Jason Collins’ former fiancee did say she had no clue he was gay. She went on to say he didn’t cheat on her, so she also had no clue he was in the NBA. -Conan O’Brien

Yeah, she said she had no clue he was gay. When she heard this, Manti Te’o’s fiancee said, “Well, at least you exist.” -Conan O’Brien

New reports say New York Governor Andrew Cuomo will not run for president in 2016 if Hillary Clinton does. In a statement, Hillary said that she appreciates the decision and the support. Then she added, “Because I would crush him.” –Jimmy Fallon

New York City is testing a new plan that would make the average school day longer by over two hours. Parents haven’t commented on the plan yet because they’re busy high fiving everyone they know. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that the air quality in New York City subways is actually the same quality as the air in New York streets. Even crazier, that’s supposed to be good news. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that certain fish use sign language to communicate. Apparently they have a sign for everything — except for “big metal hook.” –Jimmy Fallon

Washington Wizards center Jason Collins has become the first American athlete in a major team sport to come out as gay. Do you know what a breakthrough this is? Finally an NBA player who won’t have any illegitimate kids. –Jay Leno

Collins said it was not a tough decision to tell people that he’s gay. He said it’s easier than telling people he plays for the Washington Wizards. That’s the hard part. –Jay Leno

I had a birthday over the weekend. I turned 63. That is an awkward age. It’s too old for NBC, but it’s still too young to play for the Lakers. –Jay Leno

Supreme Court Justice Steven Breyer had shoulder surgery for an injury after he fell off his bike. It happened when the justice drifted a little too far to the left. -Conan O’Brien

In a new interview, Mike Tyson revealed his ex-girlfriend cooked and ate his pet pigeon right in front of him. Tyson said she also had a dark side. -Conan O’Brien

Jason Collins is the first athlete in a major U.S. sport to announce he’s gay. He’s a free-agent now, but his last team was the Washington Wizards. He’s not the first openly gay wizard. That trail was blazed by Dumbledore. –Craig Ferguson

So far the reaction from fans and teammates has been nothing but positive. Why shouldn’t it be? Jason Collins has nothing to be ashamed of. It’s not like he plays for the Lakers. –Craig Ferguson

The positive reaction to Jason’s announcement is a great sign. It shows us that NBA fans are ready to embrace diversity. And they really want to concentrate on what unites them — hating the Miami Heat. –Craig Ferguson

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Fallon:

Today in Washington, President Obama met with leaders of the American Indian tribes and they honored the president by giving him his own Indian name: “Running Deficit.” –Jay Leno

Native Americans are understandably very upset. This country used to belong to them. And, of course, now it belongs to the Chinese, so they are very furious about that. –Jay Leno

There was one really awkward moment with the American Indians. In the middle of the meeting, Joe Biden walked in wearing a Redskins jersey. –Jay Leno

The CEO of The Cheesecake Factory is now warning that Obamacare will be very costly. Hey, The Cheesecake Factory is one of the reasons we need Obamacare in the first place. –Jay Leno

Starbucks is now introducing for the holidays a $450 gift card. It’s good for two small coffees and a Josh Groban CD. –Conan O’Brien

Mercedes is developing technology to let you look at Facebook on your car windshield. It’s perfect for everyone who wants to get hit by an oncoming 18-wheeler. –Conan O’Brien

Scientists announced they have found the world’s oldest dinosaur. It had a collar on it that read, “If lost, please return to Larry King.” –Conan O’Brien

A list of the world’s best cities came out today and the highest-ranking American city is Honolulu at number 28. They got points taken off for bad public transportation, but apparently it’s a great place to get fake birth certificates. -Craig Ferguson

The list makers say that L.A. needs to spend more time on basic infrastructure. That’s not true. Do you have any idea how much reinforced concrete and stucco we use every year to prop up Cher? -Craig Ferguson

According to the list, the number one city in the world to live is Vienna, Austria. All right, it’s a nice city. I’ve been there, but it’s not Bristol, Tennessee. The main problem, it’s full of Austrians. -Craig Ferguson

Austrians are a cross between Germans and Australians. It’s like, “G’day, Fräulein” and “Put another bratwurst on the barbie, mate.” -Craig Ferguson

McDonald’s just announced that it’s bringing back the McRib later this month. Or, as the Mayans put it, “Hey, we tried to warn you.” –Jimmy Fallon

Barbara Walters has released part of her “Most Fascinating People” list. This year Hillary Clinton and Honey Boo Boo are both on it. That’s right. The woman who may soon be president — and Hillary Clinton. –Jimmy Fallon

Anderson Cooper said that while filming a segment for “60 Minutes” he got a sunburn on his eyeball and was temporarily blind. Either that, or Anderson Cooper is terrible at faking a sick day. –Jimmy Fallon

Mitt Romney is going back to work. Romney is joining the board of directors at Marriott hotels. See, who says President Obama can’t create jobs? There’s one right there. –Jay Leno

I think it’s great that Romney’s getting back to the workforce and not becoming one of those 47 percent looking for a handout. –Jay Leno

The engagement between 86-year-old Hugh Hefner and his 26-year-old girlfriend Crystal Harris is back on. I don’t want to say that Hefner is old, but the ring boy is Larry King. –Jay Leno

Hefner was engaged before and then she broke it off eight days before the wedding. Well now they have worked it out. I guess she has agreed to sign a pre-nup, but only if he agrees to sign the “do not resuscitate” order. –Jay Leno

Kate Middleton’s having a baby. Snooki says she wants to give baby advice to Kate Middleton. Snooki said her number one tip is to find out who the father is. –Conan O’Brien

Kim Kardashian has been touring the Middle East, touching off angry protests among conservative Muslims. You would think conservative Muslims would be happy to see a woman who’s never had a job. –Conan O’Brien

In Russia, there was a 125-mile traffic jam that had drivers stuck in traffic for three days. Here in Los Angeles that’s known as Friday. –Conan O’Brien

The CEO of the Olive Garden blames his company’s low profits on Obamacare — which is odd because most people won’t eat at the Olive Garden until they have health insurance. –Conan O’Brien

Do you know who’s engaged? Hugh Hefner. He said today about his fiancée, “I’ve fallen for her and I can’t get up.” –David Letterman

Hefner’s fiancée’s name is Tiffany — no, sorry, Crystal. What’s the difference? Anyway, she was saying she was really, really looking forward to the ceremony, and people are saying, “Are you talking about the wedding or the funeral?” –David Letterman

Just three weeks until Christmas. So tonight CBS got into the Christmas spirit by showing the heartwarming family classic, “The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.” -Craig Ferguson

Some people say “The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show” serves no purpose other than showing sexy women and using them to bolster ratings. Those people are called “correct.” -Craig Ferguson

“The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show” usually gives CBS a big boost in the ratings. That might get CBS to start sexing up some of their other shows, like putting the cast of “60 Minutes” in bathing suits. -Craig Ferguson

Earlier today Mitt Romney was spotted on a Costco shopping spree. Romney ended up buying 14 Costcos. –Jimmy Fallon

Applebee’s is opening a “green” restaurant in New York that will have waterless urinals, a wall made of plants, and rooftop rainwater harvesting. All of which will be underneath a giant, million-watt neon sign that says “Applebee’s.” –Jimmy Fallon

At Justin Bieber’s concert in New York last week, a fan threw her phone on stage and Bieber took several pictures of himself with it. In a related story, Justin Bieber is in critical condition after getting hit with another 6,000 cell phones. –Jimmy Fallon

Facebook has announced that it will not be developing any of its own games and will continue to rely on outside companies. Facebook can still take credit for that one popular game: “Guess who got fat since high school.” –Jimmy Fallon

One day that child could grow up to be one of the most powerful unemployed people in the world. –Jay Leno

Happy birthday to Britney Spears, who is now 31 years old. At her birthday party, all her family and friends got together and lip-synched “Happy Birthday.” –Jay Leno

President Clinton and President Obama played a round of golf over the weekend. President Clinton asked Obama what his handicap was, and Obama said, “Joe Biden.” –Jay Leno

The Obamas have decorated the White House with 54 Christmas trees. It’s all part of their “For the last time, we’re not Muslim” campaign. –Conan O’Brien

Prince William and Kate Middleton are expecting. They don’t know whether it’s going to be a boy or a girl, but they do know it’s not going to work a day in its life. –Conan O’Brien

Lindsay Lohan says she does not need rehab because she says she has no problem with alcohol. However, Lindsay did admit that her car is a total drunk. –Conan O’Brien

Prince William and his lovely bride are pregnant. Buckingham Palace announced Kate is pregnant. They’ve been married for a year and a half. That’s like five marriages for a Kardashian. -Craig Ferguson

Kate is said to be very nervous about giving birth. Giving birth to a baby wearing a crown is very hard. -Craig Ferguson

Today it was confirmed that Prince William and Kate Middleton are expecting their first baby. You can tell the baby’s a member of the royal family, because Kate said she can already feel it waving. –Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that “Sophia” and “Aiden” were the most popular baby names this year. The least popular baby name was Kim Jong Sandusky. –Jimmy Fallon

While he was in Pennsylvania on Friday, President Obama said that he’s been keeping his own “naughty and nice list” of lawmakers. Then Biden was like, “Great, now I’ve got to worry about his list AND Santa’s?” –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

Mitt Romney has a new fundraising gimmick. If you donate $3 or more to his campaign, your name will be entered into a drawing to win a dinner with Mitt Romney and Donald Trump. If you donate more than $10, you get to sit at a different table. –Jay Leno

A rare copy of Abraham Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation sold for $2.1 million at an auction house in New York City. As you know, the Emancipation Proclamation is the document that freed the vampires. –Jay Leno

Yesterday morning Facebook was temporarily offline, leaving millions of workers unable to do anything except their jobs. –Jay Leno

Regis will be back with Kathie Lee on the fourth hour of the “Today” show. You know how long Regis Philbin has been around? This guy used to hunt vampires with Abe Lincoln. -David Letterman

President Obama has a new ad that hits Mitt Romney’s business career by calling him an “outsourcer-in-chief.” Romney responded with an ad of his own — made by an excellent company in India. –Jimmy Fallon

A family in Colorado was reunited with their lost bulldog, after it was found 500 miles away. In response, the bulldog was like, “Jeez, can’t these people take a hint?” –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that pigeons can actually recognize human faces. So I guess my pigeon friend was just blowing me off the other day in Starbucks. –Jimmy Fallon

Ford has a new technology to help keep a car in its lane on the highway. They say it works great — until you want to exit the highway. –Jimmy Fallon

Analysts, according to The Wall Street Journal, say the weak economy is causing less energy use, resulting in falling oil prices. So basically the worse the economy is, the lower the price of oil. Do you know what that means? If Obama gets re-elected, gas could be free. –Jay Leno

Former President Jimmy Carter has criticized the U.S. for using drones to kill terrorists. A lot of people agree with Carter. They’re all terrorists, but they agree with Carter. –Jay Leno

Rielle Hunter announced she and John Edwards have broken up. That’s scary. When a lying cheater and his home-wrecking mistress can’t work things out, what chance is there for the rest of us? –Jay Leno

A new study says it is OK for woman to drink during pregnancy. Well, why not? Most of them were drunk when they got pregnant in the first place. –Jay Leno

The latest rumor is that Mitt Romney’s running mate will be a white male from Ohio. Or as Romney refers to him, “a person of color.” -Conan O’Brien

Today Joe Biden said the only place Mitt Romney has created jobs is in China. This has sparked an angry rebuttal from Romney spokesperson Wen Cheng-Bao. -Conan O’Brien

For the first time ever, Saudi Arabia is going to allow women to compete in the Summer Olympics. The rumor is that Saudi women are excellent runners — because they’re not allowed to drive. -Conan O’Brien

In July some McDonald’s workers will debut their new uniforms inspired by the TV show “Mad Men.” Also inspired by the 1960s: their wages. -Conan O’Brien

The subways here in New York City now have Wi-Fi. I love it because now in the morning on my way to work I can check my e-hate mail. -David Letterman

Did you know the “Today” show is four hours long? It’s like a telethon. -David Letterman

Regis Philbin will be hosting the fourth hour of the “Today” show with Kathie Lee Gifford. Of course, the Supreme Court has to rule whether it’s constitutional. -David Letterman

Egypt has a new president — Mohammed Morsi. How many of you attended the Mohammed Morsi fundraiser at Sarah Jessica Parker’s house? -David Letterman

Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don’t need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts. –Craig Ferguson

It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things — a bachelor’s degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan. –Craig Ferguson

A new study found that a record number of America’s wealthiest citizens are renouncing their citizenship to avoid high taxes. Which explains why today Donald Trump claimed HE was born in Kenya. –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday in New Hampshire, President Obama said Americans need someone who will wake up every single day and fight for their jobs. Then he said, “But until we find that guy, I’m still your best choice.” –Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend, a man in Tennessee was kicked out of a Kenny Chesney concert because he looked too much like Kenny Chesney. That actually happens a lot — in fact, my grandma was kicked out of an Aerosmith concert for looking too much like Steven Tyler. –Jimmy Fallon

Rapper 50 Cent is doing fine after he was involved in a car accident last night. There was a lot of damage, but fortunately his insurance covers him up to like, 75 cent. –Jimmy Fallon

Jerry Sandusky was found guilty on 45 counts. Penn State did not release a statement on the Sandusky verdict. As usual they’re going to wait 10 years before they say anything. –Jay Leno

Experts say Sandusky is headed for a special circle of hell in the prison system. See, you never hear about the good things the prison system does. –Jay Leno

Gas prices are expected to drop to around $3 a gallon by this fall. The price drop is the result of a complicated system. It’s called the election. –Jay Leno

A group of gay Republicans called GOProud has endorsed Mitt Romney. There was some confusion. When they heard Romney had a reputation for going either way, they didn’t know that meant flip-flopping. –Jay Leno

Anybody go to the big gay pride parade over the weekend? I like the gay pride parade. Everybody dresses up. Where else can you see a 300-pound guy in a cocktail dress? -David Letterman

This weekend is the swim around Manhattan Island. You go to the Hudson, up the East River, and then back down the Hudson, 28 miles around Manhattan. The winner gets a trophy and hepatitis. -David Letterman

Political candidates have to be very inventive when it comes to fund-raising because there are federal laws. So Mitt Romney had a thing where if you would give him $50,000 you could spend the weekend with him. And for an extra $5,000 he will let you touch his hair. -David Letterman

Republicans are now talking about President Obama, saying he’s not much of a president. They’re also saying he is a lousy vampire hunter. -David Letterman

Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I’ve got to change stuff. Then I’m not doing it. –Craig Ferguson

Scientists say over the next hundred years, the coast of California will sink almost five feet. So the presidential candidates need to do something. Mitt Romney is conflicted. On one hand, he denies that global warming exists. But if California is under water, he would definitely win the next election. –Craig Ferguson

President Obama would be affected too. Because if there’s no more Hawaii, where would he pretend to be born? –Craig Ferguson

I think if any state has a chance to come up with a technological solution to rising sea levels, it’s California. In Hollywood, we’re going to do our part by making a crappy reality show about it. –Craig Ferguson

Over the weekend, Mitt Romney held a retreat for his donors, which included dancing. At one point, people started doing “The Robot” — or as Romney calls that, “The Me.” –Jimmy Fallon

Mitt Romney’s weekend retreat also included a buffet dinner. Which explains why Governor Chris Christie’s invitation got “lost in the mail.” –Jimmy Fallon

Two female sprinters may have to do a coin toss after they tied in an Olympic qualifying event. The coin toss will last just a second, while NBC’s coverage of it will last about a day and a half. –Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that Tampa is the vainest city in the U.S. In fact, they’re so vain they probably think this joke is about them. –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

According to statistics no new jobs were created in the month of August.  President Obama said he is confident he can keep up this pace of job creation.

After seeing his poll numbers continue to decrease, Obama is still preaching hope and change, but now the hope is that we will change about thinking what a crappy president he is.

It was a kind of chilly in Los Angeles yesterday morning but it still didn’t send chills down my spine like reading the details of Obama’s job plan.

Things are going about normal for the Obama administration.  Two days after announcing his plans to create more jobs Bank of America announced they plan to cut at least 40,000 jobs. (Not a joke, but Karma for the President.)

Republicans asked Obama why it took three years to come up with a jobs plan.  He fell back into the hope and change mantra by replying, “Because your party was getting way to much hope that change was going to take place next November.”

A gunman went into an IHOP in Carson City, Nevada and started shooting.  He said he thought he was in a Denny’s and wanted to spare the people from having to eat their latest extreme meal, the Mac N’ Cheese Big Daddy Patty Melt.

According to a poll most Americans think we are headed in the wrong direction.  The good news is that the President and Congress are so incompetent that they never get us to where we are going anyway.

Homeland Security says you may no longer have to remove your shoes when you fly.  Apparently, they’ve eliminated all the foot fetish perverts that worked for the TSA.

Public nudity is getting so common place in San Francisco that stores will soon have to reprint the signs in their front windows to say “No Shoes, No Pants, No Service.”

Governor of California, Jerry Brown, says some lawmakers think that taxes are like some kind of sexually transmitted disease.  Whereas, Brown and other likeminded politicians think taxes are a way to screw the public.

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some more funny Obama jokes from the late night comedians covering the last 6-8 months:

“President Obama said in an interview over the weekend that he really misses being anonymous. He said, ‘I miss Saturday mornings rolling out of bed and not shaving, going to the market…’ Be careful what you wish for, 2012 is just around the corner!” –Jay Leno

“President Obama announced that he will run for re-election in 2012. Unfortunately, his popularity is so low that he’s running on the slogan, ‘I’m Michelle Obama’s husband.’” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it’s not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate.” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama escalated the war in Afghanistan, he sent the Navy in to shoot at pirates in the Indian Ocean, and now he’s attacking Libya. It’s like he took the Nobel Peace Prize as an insult.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The situation is deteriorating in Libya and Japan and the stock market is collapsing worldwide. President Obama finally took decisive action. He named Duke, Kansas, Ohio State and Pittsburgh as his Final Four.” —Jay Leno

“President Obama went on ESPN to announce his NCAA tournament picks. Or, as Japan put it, ‘Really?’” —Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama’s approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama says that he prays every night before bed. Or as Fox News reported, ‘Obama in Daily Talks With Allah.’” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama said he was always getting in trouble when he was in middle school. In fact, Obama said he talked so much during class, the teacher had to take away his teleprompter.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha’s basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off.” —Conan O’Brien

“Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card.” —Bill Maher

“It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from ‘Yes we can’ to ‘Yes, we caved.’ It’s so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate.” —Jay Leno

“President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls ‘backyard chats.’ He’s held these in real people’s backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn.” –Jay Leno

“People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt.” –David Letterman

“Well, President Obama said today he’s going to use the gulf disaster to immediately push a new energy bill through Congress. I got an idea. How about first using the gulf disaster to fix the gulf disaster?” —Jay Leno

“Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, ‘We really should change the curtains.’” —Craig Ferguson

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on the current events of the last week:

The Roger Clemens trial started.  He was hoping to draft some of the jurors from the Casey Anthony case for his trial.

Roger Clemens is being charged with lying to Congress about taking steroids.  It turns out you’re actually only allowed to lie to Congress if you’re a congressman.

Last week a woman was accused of stealing $110,000 worth of bull semen.  She stole it either because she thought she’d also get the appendage which it came from or she has some very lonely cows at home.

CNN cancelled Elliot Spitzer’s show.  Who knew there was still an Elliot Spitzer show?

Roseanne is going to have a new show on Lifetime.  It’s called Roseanne’s Nuts.  I didn’t even realize she was a transvestite.

If the government is shut down there will be 800,000 non-essential employees out of work.  I guess that means the President, Vice-President, Congress and about 799,500 others will be on the sideline.

The good news is that if the government is shut down you will still be able to be groped by the TSA if you fly somewhere.

The unemployment rate went to 9.2% nationwide or as President Obama would say “the sky is not falling.”  But he does give us hope that we will have change in 2012.

A federal appeals court ruled that the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy in the military is illegal.  This was a major win for gays.  It also opened the door for military recruiters to start buying advertising time on the TV show “Glee.”

Bill Clinton says Americans need to be more innovative.  That could mean many things to many people.  For him I’m guessing he has seen the likes of John Edwards and Arnold Schwarzenegger get their mistresses pregnant so they need to be more innovative with their birth control.

Herman Cain, Republican candidate for President, has some good ideas except that he thinks we should keep the Fed because he says, “What are we going to replace it with?”  My answer to that argument is that if my dog takes a crap in the back yard and I clean it up I don’t need to have it replaced.

Lady Gaga may have an eating disorder.  You had to suspect she had some confusion about food ever since she wore that meat dress.

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye out for the current events this week:

It looks more and more like Obama’s only workable exit strategy for Libya, even if unintentional, will be when he loses the 2012 election.

Lady Gaga is going to be writing a fashion column, the meat industry couldn’t be more excited.

I saw an article about using human waste to fuel your car.  Talk about efficient, now when you have to pull over to the side of the road to relieve yourself you can also fill up the tank at the same time.

Last week Moammar Kahdafi  had a bad week, first  he lost his Foreign Minister when he defected and now the plastic surgeon who gave him facial plastic surgery went out of business because it ruined his reputation.

In an interview with ABC President Obama said he prays every night before he goes to bed…and apparently that’s all he’s been doing to handle the country.

A cobra from the Bronx zoo had escaped last week but they found him and returned him very quickly.  If only they could get the snakes out of the government that fast and return them to the zoo where they belong we’d all be so much better for it.

Facebook has gotten a lot of credit for helping to create new relationships.  Now it’s also getting blamed for breaking up relationships as divorce lawyers are going to court with Facebook evidence of inappropriate flirting, cheating and who know what kind of unseemly acts with Farmville animals.

Nike is planning a new Cheech and Chong sneaker. In these even if you are too fat to jump high you can get high without ever leaving the ground.

McDonald’s is planning to hire 50,000 new workers in one day.  Something smells bad about this deal and it’s not just the McDonald’s food after it’s been digested.  This is going to make the Obama administration look very good even while most of the jobs are going to be temporary.  I wouldn’t be surprised if there aren’t going to be some big “McFavors” from the Obama administration sliding under those tiny little table in their restaurants.

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon Conan O’Brien, David Letterman and Jimmy Kimmel:

“It’s one humiliation after another for Moammar Gadhafi.  First his own people started rising up against him, then his compound was bombed, and now he’s getting beaten up by the French.” –Jay Leno

“Germany has pulled its forces out of NATO over Libya. When the Germans don’t want to fight and the French do, the whole world is upside down.” –Jay Leno

“We’re fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we’d be fighting if President Obama hadn’t won the Nobel Peace Prize.” –Jay Leno

“According to a new study, hangovers get worse as you age. The older you are, the worse it is to get bombed. Khadafi said, ‘Tell me about it.’” –Jay Leno

“According to reports, Khadafi is surrounded by an elite corps of female bodyguards, all of whom are virgins. In a related story, today Charlie Sheen invaded Libya.” –Conan O’Brien

“On a trip to Israel, Sarah Palin asked the Israelis why they’re apologizing all the time. They responded saying, ‘Because we told everyone Tina Fey was coming.’” –Conan O’Brien

“The NAACP is taking a greater interest in attracting leaders from the gay community. This explains their new name, the ‘National Association for the Advancement of Color-Coordinated People.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump says he will run for president. He’ll have to find a cabinet position for that thing on his head.” –David Letterman

“Trump says that if he’s elected, he won’t let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant.” –David Letterman

“How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he’d use Hair Force One.” –David Letterman

“President Obama has to cut his trip to Latin America short because of the situation in Libya — and to check on his NCAA brackets.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“A man in Texas used his obituary to ask for donations to anyone running against Obama in 2012. And then his ghost was offered a nightly show on Fox News.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary Clinton said that Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi is engaged in ‘theater.’ Which explains the new strategy to defeat him: casting him as the lead in ‘Spider-Man: the Musical.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“We know more about President Obama’s basketball picks than his plans for Libya.” –Jay Leno

“California Marijuana farmers are worried that radiation from Japan could affect their crops. Or maybe for some strange reason they’re just being paranoid.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is doing business in Latin America this week. I guess regular America isn’t good enough for him anymore.” –Jimmy Kimmel

‘President Obama is in Chile. The President of Chile said Michelle Obama is very good looking, and Obama said the same thing about the Chilean President’s wife. I’m not sure this is the kind of trade agreement he went there to negotiate.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Everyone is focused on March Madness but there haven’t been any games in a few days. It’s been so boring that President Obama has decided to focus on the situations in Libya and Japan.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Remember when President Obama said we can’t fight two wars and vowed to change our policy? Well, he did. Now we’re fighting three wars.” –Jay Leno

“Obama said we will send economic aid to Libya to help the Libyan people reach their dreams. And if that works, they’ll try it here.” –Jay Leno

“Rich people are buying Geiger counters. Poor people are putting bags of microwave popcorn on the windowsill. If it starts popping, get the hell out.” –Jay Leno

“The Pentagon held a press-conference about the military operation in Libya. They are calling it Odyssey Dawn. I believe it’s the first military operation named after a stripper” –David Letterman

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Here are some of the  best jokes about President Obama from the late night comedians covering the last year or more:

“President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha’s basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off.” —Conan O’Brien

“It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from ‘Yes we can’ to ‘Yes, we caved.’ It’s so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate.” —Jay Leno

“President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls ‘backyard chats.’ He’s held these in real people’s backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn.” –Jay Leno

“People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt.” –David Letterman

“Well, President Obama said today he’s going to use the gulf disaster to immediately push a new energy bill through Congress. I got an idea. How about first using the gulf disaster to fix the gulf disaster?” —Jay Leno

“Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, ‘We really should change the curtains.’” —Craig Ferguson

“At a stop in Buffalo today, a woman walks up to President Obama and says, ‘You’re a hottie with a smokin’ little body.’ She said that to the president of the United States. I tell you, Betty White is out of control.” —Jay Leno

“Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias ‘Barack Obama’ while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them.” —Jimmy Fallon

“This is kind of crazy. I don’t know if I believe this. A new Harris poll found that 57 percent of Republicans believe President Obama is a Muslim — 57 percent. 45 percent believe he was not born in the United States. 38 percent feel he’s, quote, ‘doing many of the things that Hitler did.’ And 24 percent believe he may be the Antichrist. Oh, like Oprah would date the Antichrist.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“A year into Obama’s first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, “Well, technically that is change.” – Jimmy Fallon

“You know, it’s hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. Isn’t that amazing? It’s a year. And you know, it’s incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster: The Republican party.” -Jay Leno

“Today, by the way, is our president, President Obama’s, one-year anniversary in office. I looked it up. Traditionally on the first anniversary, you give paper, so, I got him his birth certificate.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“That’s pretty amazing, Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize.” –Jay Leno

(This is  a post I made last year around this time but these could mostly apply to this year too.)

Here are some funny New Year’s resolutions that I’m guessing might have been made by some famous people this year:

President Obama has sworn off any new tax cuts and has promised his liberal base he would attend tax cutter’s anonymous.

To his new non-partisan fans Obama has pledged no new stimulus packages.

Last one for Obama, he has promised to not add any more new personalities to his Schizophenia.   (The current ones include centrist, non-partisan, Muslim, Christian,Kenyan, American, communist, socialist and liberal, et. al.)

Hillary Clinton has resolved to never be seen in public in anything but a pants suit.  (Okay, she doesn’t like to make new resolutions so she just carries them over from one year to the next, e.g. “keep an eye on Bill, he may be cheating,” is one she’s had since they’ve been married.)

Larry King, now that he no longer has his show, has resolved to spend more time with his family.  In other words, he wants to have sex with other family members, not just his sister-in-law.

Al Gore has resolved to no longer be boring.   (Oops! Another resolution that never made it past  January 1st.)

Credit card companies have resolved to no longer be arbitrary in their decisions to cancel people’s credit or raise interest rates.  From now on they will simply make all their decisions with the flip of a coin.

Ben Bernake, since dropping money out of helicopters has not worked metaphorically, has vowed to literally drop money out of helicopters.

Congress has vowed to take on the really big issues such as a playoff series for college football and take on those little pesky issues like war, the economy and jobs when they can find the time.

Lindsay Lohan has resolved to write a new book this year entitled, Sobriety for the Insane.

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