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Here are some more Jay Leno jokes about President Obama:

President Bush briefed Barack Obama on the state of the nation this week. I don’t know that things look bad, but after the briefing, Obama called McCain and said, ‘You still want the job?’

This was actually in the paper today, that both parties are already preparing for 2012. Isn’t that unbelievable? But I was thinking, it’s going to be tough for Barack Obama to come up with a campaign slogan for 2012. I mean, what’s it gonna be? ‘Don’t change, everything’s fine, don’t change anything, keep it exactly the same!’

In the latest issue of Sports Illustrated, Barack Obama says if he is fortunate to win the White House, he would like to install a basketball court. That’s what he said. It’s going to be built right on top of what is now the bowling alley.

Actually, Barack Obama’s wasting no time. He has chosen Illinois Congressman Rahm Emanuel as his chief of staff. Rahm Emanuel. Apparently Barack’s first order of business, no guys with regular names. Okay, that’s it! No Larrys, no Bobs! Just Barack and Rahm.

Don’t you love how the different news outlets put their own slant on it? Like see how Fox News is covering Barack Obama’s first 24 hours? They said, ‘Day One: American Held Hostage!’

Barack Obama spent his first day as president-elect putting together his transition team. And if you believe MSNBC, by tomorrow he will have chosen all 12 of his disciples.

Hey, did you see Barack Obama on the news? He took time out to take his kids trick-or-treating, that was nice. But he’ll only let them take candy from households making over $200,000 a year.

Hey, I watched ‘American Idol’ last night, the Barack Obama show. Did you all see Barack Obama’s infomercial? It was called “American Stories.” You know why they called it “American Stories”? I guess it sounded better than ‘Barack Obama Running Out the Clock.’

The show was very well done. I got to admit, I especially liked the end, where Barack rose to the heavens on a cloud. Wasn’t that unbelievable?

Here’s the amazing part, this is true, it was the highest-rated show on NBC last night. NBC’s already talking to Barack about picking it up for 13 more episodes.

This is exciting. Earlier this evening, Barack Obama’s 30-minute infomercial appeared on three of the major networks. Fox, CBS and NBC. And, of course, NBC was thrilled to be considered a major network. We haven’t had that in years!

Now, if you didn’t see it, one part was a little odd. At the end, Barack said, ‘If you vote now, we’ll throw in a set of steak knives and a can of Oxiclean.’

And of course, this Barack Obama appearance was historic for our network. Did you know this? This is the first time a black man has appeared on NBC in prime time since Bill Cosby.

Barack Obama continues to lead in the polls. Barack said, today, if it wasn’t for Fox News, he might be up two or three more points in the polls. So apparently, five of the six news channel openly rooting for him isn’t enough. You gotta get that last one.

Barack Obama also says that both men and women should have to register for the draft. What do you think of that? The first woman he wants signed up? Sarah Palin.

Barack Obama has bought a half-hour of airtime on CBS. He’s now negotiating with NBC, but they have some disagreement. See, Barack just wants to buy a half-hour, but NBC wants him to buy the entire prime-time schedule for the entire rest of the year.

Barack Obama said today the government’s $700 billion bailout should not be a blank check. Barack Obama says he knows that $700 billion is a lot of money. In fact, it would take him at least 10 Hollywood fund raisers to come up with that kind of money.

And the first presidential debate will take place this Friday night. They say John McCain’s challenge will be to distance himself from President Bush. And Barack Obama’s challenge will be to answer questions before his supporters can start clapping. So it’s going to be very tricky.

At a rally in Florida, Barack Obama was interrupted by a protest group calling themselves ‘Blacks Against Obama.’ Actually, a pretty small group. It’s just Condoleezza Rice and Jesse Jackson.

Here are several jokes by Jay Leno about Barack Obama:

Anyway, a spokesman for Barack Obama says the prisoners that are released from Guantanamo will either be sent back to their home countries or enter the New York City cab driver training program.

President-elect Barack Obama is starting to get an idea of just how hard his new job is going to be. Today, he said he wanted to bring a sense of accountability to Washington. I think they realized actual accountability, never going to happen.

Activists are now pressuring President-elect Obama to make good on his pledge to end the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy in the military to allow gays to openly serve in the military. You know, I think it’s about time. Don’t you? Let me tell you something, if someone is willing to risk their life for our country, they should be able to watch ‘Dancing with the Stars’ openly.

Well, President-elect Barack Obama and his family are gonna spend the holidays in his home state of Hawaii. And you know who couldn’t be more thrilled with this? The press, the reporters who follow the president. Well, think about it. After eight years of spending every holiday cutting brush in Crawford, Texas, they get to go to Hawaii!

And earlier today, President-elect Obama and Vice President-elect Biden met with Al Gore in Chicago to discuss energy and climate change issues. Obama, Gore and Biden. So, you have the greatest speaker of our lifetime, the most boring speaker of our lifetime and the guy who speaks non-stop for our entire lifetime. All together in one room.

Barack Obama says he is promising not to smoke cigarettes while in the White House. I don’t know. Is that a big issue for the American people? [a woman in the audience yells 'Yes!']. Really? You care if he smokes? Let me tell you something, okay? If he fixes the economy, he can smoke a bong in the White House.

President-elect Barack Obama was on ‘Meet the Press’ yesterday. And he told the American people the economy was going to get worse before it gets better. That’s what he said. It’s going to get worse. See, that’s when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election, ‘The audacity of hope!’ ‘Yes, we can!’ ‘Change we can believe in!’ Now it’s, ‘We’re all screwed, good night, thank you! It’s going to get worse!’

Hey, did you see that picture on the front page of USA Today yesterday of Arnold Schwarzenegger shaking hands with Barack Obama? Didn’t it look like one of those ads for one of those bad buddy action movies from the ’80s, you know? [as Schwarzenegger] He’s a strongman from Austria. He’s an African-American from Chicago. They fight crime; they’re ebony and ivory.

Well you know what’s really strange? If [Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano] gets this job, she would be the first official to take the job overseeing homeland security working for a guy, if he wasn’t president, whose name would probably be on the no-fly list. ‘Barack Hussein Obama? Yeah, step off to the side, please. Thank you.’

Is it me, or is Barack Obama on the cover of, like, every magazine now? I went to the newsstand. Joey, hand me that, will you? … Here’s Barack: cover of Time, Men’s Health, GQ, Tiger Beat, ‘Is he the fourth Jonas Brother?’

The press is calling President-elect Barack Obama the first wired president, ’cause he’s very big on e-mail and the internet and all that kind of stuff. But once he becomes president, he’ll have to give up all personal communication devices because of security concerns. Looks like America is ready for a black president, we’re just not ready for a Blackberry president.

Hey, Barack Obama had to give up his Blackberry. He’s the first wired president. … He might have to give his Blackberry because of security reasons. Because they’re easy to hack into. In fact, when Obama heard he might have to give it up, he said, ‘OMG! WTF?’ I mean, he couldn’t believe it.

Barack Obama’s mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with him. See, Joe Biden was right. ‘Hostile forces will test him in the first few months.’

Today in Chicago, for the first time since the election, John McCain sat down with President-elect Barack Obama. Pretty impressive. Obama agreed to sit down and talk to McCain without any preconditions.

According to Newsweek, sociologists believe that nine months after election day, there could be tens of thousands of what they call ‘Obama babies.’ Psychologists say this is not unusual, because a lot of people celebrate a big victory by having sex. That’s true. See, that’s why there’s never been any Detroit Lions babies.

According to CNN, Barack Obama’s popularity going into office is higher than Clinton’s, Reagan’s or either of the President Bush’s when they entered office. It’s much higher. Well, hang on, hang on. That’s on CNN. On Fox, he’s somewhere between Attila the Hun and lead poisoning.

President Bush briefed President-elect Obama on the state of the nation this week. You know, look, I don’t want to say things look bad, but Barack Obama’s new slogan? ‘Maybe We Can.’
President-elect Barack Obama is still looking for a new White House dog. The search is on. In fact, do you realize he has spent more time selecting a dog than John McCain did selecting a running mate?

It was on this in day in 1789 that Benjamin Franklin said those famous words, ‘In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes. Death and taxes, which ironically, was the Secret Service code name for John McCain and Barack Obama.

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

A man in England has created a car that runs on coffee. Well, what a genius this guy is. Let’s pick a liquid that costs even more money than gasoline. –Jay Leno

Hey, if you think it costs a lot to fill up your tank now, just wait until Starbucks is involved. –Jay Leno

You know what that guy should invent? A Carnival Cruise ship that runs on human waste. That thing could go forever. –Jay Leno

Scientists say they are getting closer to being able to do “Jurassic Park”-style cloning of extinct species. Imagine that? Things that were thought to be extinct could be brought back from the dead. So there’s hope for NBC. It could turn around. –Jay Leno

A guy in Great Britain found a way to make cars run on coffee. It sounds like a great idea, right? Well, wait until you start trying to fill up the tank at Starbucks. –David Letterman

The good news is if cars start running on coffee, it means once again I can smoke at the pumps. –David Letterman

The new Pope worked as a bouncer in a nightclub. You don’t think of that as step number one on your way to the top, do you? –David Letterman

I believe he’s the only Pope who has ever said, “You’ve had enough, Miss Lohan.” –David Letterman –Craig Ferguson

The first day of spring is known as the “vernal equinox.” The equinox is special. It only happens twice a year, like a good night in ratings for NBC. –Craig Ferguson

It is spring in L.A. Flowers are blooming, sundresses are coming out, and Taylor Swift is gathering up new boyfriends to last through the summer. –Craig Ferguson

Even though it’s warm here in L.A., people still have to wear layers — at least until their plastic surgery heals. –Craig Ferguson

Here at CBS, spring also means March Madness. I love the name March Madness. I’m glad the PC police haven’t made us change March Madness to “early spring psychosis.” –Craig Ferguson

How does spring break work for people who get their degrees online? Do they go to websites about the beach? –Jimmy Kimmel

The president filled out his NCAA bracket. He picked Indiana, Louisville, Florida, and Ohio State to reach the Final Four. He had Indiana to win, but Republicans in the House blocked that. –Jimmy Kimmel

A man in the U.K. is making news for getting his car to run on coffee. That’s a good idea. Since gas prices aren’t high enough, let’s add Starbucks to the equation. –Jimmy Fallon

During his visit to Israel today, President Obama’s limousine broke down after it was mistakenly filled with the wrong fuel. Or as Obama put it: “Who the hell filled this thing up with coffee?” –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama filled out his NCAA tournament bracket. He picked Florida, Indiana, Louisville, and Ohio State to go to the Final Four. It’s been four months since the election, and he still needs Florida and Ohio to win. –Jimmy Fallon

A NASA official told Congress that if a meteor was on track to strike the U.S., Americans should pray. Even Pope Francis was like, “That’s your Plan A?” –Jimmy Fallon

A 28-year-old woman from Serbia has a rare brain condition where she sees everything upside down. The good news? She’s now been given a job at the White House as President Obama’s economic adviser. –Jay Leno

She sees everything upside down. In fact, she thinks NBC is at the top of the ratings. –Jay Leno

The U.S. Senate is now fighting to keep open the Senate barber shop. It loses $350,000 a year. Do you know what that makes it? The most successful government program ever. It’s losing only $350,000 a year. –Jay Leno

The island nation of Cyprus is now considering a 10 percent tax on every individual savings account in that country. They’ll take 10 percent of your money right out of the bank. To which President Obama said: “You can do that?” –Jay Leno

I have a problem with “Bates Motel.” It’s set in the present day. I don’t like that. I don’t want to see Norman Bates texting, “OMG, mom just stabbed somebody.” –Craig Ferguson

Justin Bieber says he’s growing a mustache. He’s going to post the finished result on Twitter, assuming Twitter still exists in the year 2050. –Craig Ferguson

Today’s the last full day of winter. Which means I still have a little more time to take down my Christmas lights before it gets weird. –Jimmy Fallon

Kentucky Senator Rand Paul announced that he supports a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. Or as illegal immigrants put it, “Who do you think’s going to build that path?” –Jimmy Fallon

Kate Middleton revealed that she wants to have a boy, but Prince William is hoping for a girl. However, they both agree that no matter what gender it is, its nanny will love it just the same. –Jimmy Fallon

Burger King is now offering a turkey burger on its menu. Or as horses put it, “Nope, still us.” –Jimmy Fallon

To celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, Carnival Cruise had all their toilets overflowing with green water. –Jay Leno

You know the whole legend of St. Patrick, right? St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland — and then they came to the United States and became NBC executives. –Jay Leno

I woke up this morning to the sound of helicopters and police sirens — which of course in L.A. can only mean one thing: Lindsay Lohan’s back in court again. –Jay Leno

Lindsay was late once again for a court appearance by almost an hour. But I blame the judge. Who in his right mind would schedule a Lindsay Lohan court appearance for the morning after St. Patrick’s Day? –Jay Leno

Lindsay Lohan was back in court for a probation violation hearing. She was 48 minutes late to court. What she really needs to steal is a watch. –Jimmy Kimmel

Tiger Woods announced he is dating Lindsey Vonn. So just when you thought Lohan had a lock on the title of Lindsay with the worst judgment, along comes Lindsey Vonn. –Jimmy Kimmel

Tiger said, “We have become close and are now dating. We thank you for your support and respecting our privacy.” And the best way to keep it private is to post about it on Facebook. –Jimmy Kimmel

It’s nice to see Tiger with a woman not holding a subpoena for a change. –Jimmy Kimmel

It is the day after St. Patrick’s Day. So if you’re just waking up now, I’m sorry, I don’t know whose apartment you’re in. –Jimmy Fallon

The guy who plays Satan on the History Channel’s “The Bible” looks like President Obama. Even Rush Limbaugh was outraged. He was like, “How can you do that to Satan?” –Jimmy Fallon

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(I wrote this article last year around this time…Hmmm, if only it had come true.)

President Obama apparently got a visit from the ghost of Christmas future, which made him realize the right thing to do was to give a gift to all the poor children whose parents make more than $250,000 a year.  Of course, the Democrats may assert that he got a visit from the Devil, but it’s all a matter of perspective.

Instead of seeing a grave site in his future like Scrooge saw in the classic Dickens tale, Obama saw himself sitting in a retirement chair in 2012, which to a power hungry politician is the same as a grave site.

I’m guessing it went something like the following.  When Obama got the visit from the ghost of Christmas future, who he dreaded the most of all the Christmas spirits, he first saw Hillary Clinton haggling over his belongings while she was preparing to run for election in 2012.

Next the ghost of Christmas future took him to see “tiny” Joe Biden.  He was “tiny” not because he was short in physical stature but short or “tiny” in his ability to think and talk at the same time.  He got to view a conversation from the future:

Tiny Joe:  Hi, Mr. President, how the f___ are you?  Why so glum?

Obama:  I just lost the primary, to Hillary Clinton of all people.  I thought I had her bought off with that Secretary of State post.

Tiny Joe:  Oh well, It’s not a big f___ing deal.  We had four years.  Our time is passed.  Hey, I know, we can blame Bush for not getting re-elected.

Obama:  It is a big deal, you idiot.  We almost had the whole country turned communist.  Now, I won’t be able to make it happen.

Tiny Joe shrugs and walks off.  The ghost of Christmas future and Obama fast forward to a room where they see Tiny Joe’s head soaking in a jar of formaldehyde.

Obama:  What happened to him?

Ghost:  You shot him after the last scene we just saw and now they are studying his brain to try to figure out how someone so stupid could advance so far in the political scene.  You spent the rest of your life in prison, where you lobbied for prisoners to get free cigarettes from the government.

Obama:  Hmmm…Still, I did get to shoot Biden, so every cloud does have a silver lining.

They fast forward to a new scene.  Obama walks into Ben Bernake’s office:

Obama:  Hi Uncle Ben.  Even though I’m not going to be President anymore will you still be able to print money for me any time I want it.

Bernake shakes the shackles that father time has pinned him with due to all his financial transgressions and he shouts at the top of his lungs:

Ben:  No, you moron, not another dime for you.  I’m going to have to fake another bailout to the big companies so they force their employees and unions to vote for Hillary.  Yeah, she’s a bitch, but at least she’s not a Republican.

Obama wakes up and finds himself in the Lincoln Room of the White House.  He sees the ghost of Lincoln staring him in the face.

Obama:  Abe is it really you?

Lincoln:  (Sarcastically) No, I’m that commie Franklin D. Roosevelt?  Of course, I’m Abe.  But if you don’t straighten up your act you’re going to end up here with us other presidential ghosts and you’ll be treated just like we all treat Roosevelt.  Nobody likes him very much, not even Truman.

Obama:  What should I do Abe?

Lincoln:  Work with the Republican’s for starters.

Obama:  I will, Abe, I will.

Obama ran out of the room and he was true to his word.  He did work with the Republicans, at least to the degree that he thought it would get him re-elected.

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

In a recent poll Hillary Clinton was the most popular political figure, or at least that’s what the headlines stated.  Upon further inspection the respondents said we’d be better off with her as President than Obama.  Well, duh!  At the very least we’d be no worse off, but that’s like being given the choice of dying by lethal injection or the electric chair, you’re dead either way.  I’m guessing those respondents that said they’d prefer Hillary are just pissed at Obama, they are big fans of pants suits or they just came from their psychiatrist’s office where they received a lobotomy.  Frankly, anybody who would want either Hillary or Obama as president would probably answer their phone, “Hello, comrade.”

That survey makes me wonder whether people just don’t remember Hillary or if shock treatment is on the rise in the U.S.

Of course, if Hillary was President she could make Bill the Vice President (or President of vice might be more appropriate) and Monica Lewinsky could be the chief of his staff… oh, wait, that was supposed to be Chief of Staff.  There is also a Cabinet Post called Chief of Veteran Affairs and I’ll bet Bill could recommend someone for that position since he is the veteran of so many affairs.

You get the idea when you hear Obama talking and pushing one of his programs that are going to “save” the economy that he wishes he was doing it on Facebook because then maybe he could get someone to “like” him since that is about the only way he could get someone to like him these days.

Dallas Cowboy’s quarterback, Tony Romo played on Sunday with a broken rib, which made it hard for him to even talk after the game.  If only we could find some way to make it hard for some of our politicians to talk.  Oh wait, being accused of sex crimes always makes them reluctant to talk.

For any fans of Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt who hoped they might someday get back together I believe that door has officially been closed after Pitt was interviewed this week and said he was bored while married to her.

In Orange County, a hockey mom had sex with two of son’s 14 year-old teammates, which pretty much makes her the ultimate sports mom.  Talk about giving it up for the team!  That kid is now, officially, the kid most embarrassed by his parents.

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President Obama’s approval numbers are in and, apparently, just trying to look good instead of being effective is not the way to go.  His approval numbers are at an all time low.  In fact, they are so bad that his only workable strategy he has to win next year’s election is for someone to invent time travel so he can go back in time, reverse the killing of bin Laden and time it to be done  about next September.

Jobs, or lack of them, are the current thing that is bringing him down, but there have been so many others before this.  He had promised to create shovel ready jobs but being in the government he just had the wrong concept of what that is.  His idea of a shovel ready job is people leaning on shovels and doing nothing, which is metaphorically what he is doing as he watches his presidency go by.

Obama has proposed $300 billion to jump start the economy and he is currently filling out the loan papers from the Chinese government, as I write this, so he can borrow the money to get that done.  I suspect though that the Democratic party’s idea of creating jobs is some kind of virtual job where nothing actually ever really gets done.  Now that I think of it, Farmville on Facebook was probably Obama’s attempt at job creation.

Congress has an even lower approval rating than Obama.  Eighty-two percent of the population disapproves of the job that Congress is doing.  To put that in prospective that is about the same kind of disapproval rating that perverts, liars and criminals would get…oh, that makes sense then!

Under The Obama administration the economy has gotten so bad that there is talk of replacing the dollar as the main currency in the world, appropriately, Monopoly money is the currency that they would replace it with.  Further proof of the downfall of the economy is that the tea party can no longer afford tea bags so they’ve just been drinking ice water this summer.  To celebrate the bad approval numbers for Obama they did splurge though and had Kool-aid.

Just this last week one of the president’s speech writers resigned so that he could go into comedy writing, apparently he was tired of writing tragedies.  But to have a little fun before he left and to get him started into the comedy he wrote one last speech for Obama, that unfortunately never got done.  In it he used several quotes, or at least paraphrases, from our past presidents.  The speech would have been done but Obama accidentally gave the paper it was written on to the Fed so they could use it to print more money.  Anyway, this is how it went: (By the way, the writer wasn’t worried if Obama would question it because he just reads whatever the teleprompter says.)

“Four score and seven years ago I did not have sex with that woman, Ms Lewinsky.  What’s really important to note about my years as president is that I am not a crook.  And what we as American’s should do is ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for me.  Furthermore, we have nothing to fear but the fear of losing the next election and you should all know that the buck stops here because we have run out of any more bucks.

“I believe it was Jimmy Carter who said, ‘What the heck, four years of this crap is plenty.’ And in closing (Look thoughtfully into the air like you always do) I’d like to say, it was all Bush’s fault.”

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Here are some more funny Obama jokes from the late night comedians covering the last 6-8 months:

“President Obama said in an interview over the weekend that he really misses being anonymous. He said, ‘I miss Saturday mornings rolling out of bed and not shaving, going to the market…’ Be careful what you wish for, 2012 is just around the corner!” –Jay Leno

“President Obama announced that he will run for re-election in 2012. Unfortunately, his popularity is so low that he’s running on the slogan, ‘I’m Michelle Obama’s husband.’” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it’s not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate.” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama escalated the war in Afghanistan, he sent the Navy in to shoot at pirates in the Indian Ocean, and now he’s attacking Libya. It’s like he took the Nobel Peace Prize as an insult.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The situation is deteriorating in Libya and Japan and the stock market is collapsing worldwide. President Obama finally took decisive action. He named Duke, Kansas, Ohio State and Pittsburgh as his Final Four.” —Jay Leno

“President Obama went on ESPN to announce his NCAA tournament picks. Or, as Japan put it, ‘Really?’” —Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama’s approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama says that he prays every night before bed. Or as Fox News reported, ‘Obama in Daily Talks With Allah.’” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama said he was always getting in trouble when he was in middle school. In fact, Obama said he talked so much during class, the teacher had to take away his teleprompter.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha’s basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off.” —Conan O’Brien

“Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card.” —Bill Maher

“It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from ‘Yes we can’ to ‘Yes, we caved.’ It’s so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate.” —Jay Leno

“President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls ‘backyard chats.’ He’s held these in real people’s backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn.” –Jay Leno

“People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt.” –David Letterman

“Well, President Obama said today he’s going to use the gulf disaster to immediately push a new energy bill through Congress. I got an idea. How about first using the gulf disaster to fix the gulf disaster?” —Jay Leno

“Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, ‘We really should change the curtains.’” —Craig Ferguson

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Here are some of the best and funniest Obama jokes from the late night comedians over the last 6 months or so:

“President Obama changed his slogan from ‘Yes we can,’ to ‘Yes we cave.’” –Jay Leno, on the debt deal

“Obama achieved the same kind of compromise with the Republicans that Custer reached with Sitting Bull.” –David Letterman, on the debt deal

“President Obama said he’d be OK being a one-term President. And with that he shoved an iPhone down his pants and pressed ’send.’” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama said regarding the economy, ‘The sky is not falling.’ The poll numbers are falling, the market is falling, support for the war in Libya is falling, Anthony Weiner’s pants are falling, but the sky is fine.” –Jay Leno

“The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they’ve granted President Obama full citizenship.” –David Letterman

“Rush Limbaugh said yesterday that Obama never would have tracked down bin Laden if it weren’t for George W. Bush’s policies. Although in fairness, Obama never would have even been elected if it weren’t for George W. Bush’s policies.” –Jimmy Fallon

“I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama ’cause his response to every question during the debates will be: ‘Wait, I forget…Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no, it was me, wasn’t it?’” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama must be very happy because he finally took down his arch enemy: Donald Trump. The bin Laden announcement interrupted ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’” –Craig Ferguson

“Osama bin Laden’s death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, ‘President Obama saves the world.’ Stations on the right are going, ‘Obama kills fellow Muslim.’” –Craig Ferguson

“I don’t like this new Obama who hunts Muslim extremists. I like the old Obama who WAS a Muslim extremist.” –Stephen Colbert

“President Obama released his long-form birth certificate, proving once and for all he was born in this country. But you know, it never ends. Now Republican leaders are saying they want to see the placenta.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama released his long-form birth certificate yesterday. So we found the birth certificate. Now it’s on to bin Laden.” –David Letterman

“Prominent people are coming forward to attest to President Obama’s American citizenship. The Governor of Hawaii just said he first met Obama just days after he was born. He knew it was Obama, because he kept pointing to his diaper and calling for change.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is slated to appear on one of Oprah’s last shows. He’s hoping it’s the one on which she gives away 14 trillion dollars.” –Conan O’Brien

“The White House said that President Obama will not focus on full-time campaigning for a long time. Yeah, he wants to wait a year or two before he gets serious about it — just like he did with being president.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Over the weekend, President Obama announced that he was running for a second term as president of the United States. There’s a brand-new campaign slogan — ‘Give me four more years to find my birth certificate.’” —David Letterman

“President Obama, I guess, is starting to confess to some of his anxieties. In a recent interview, President Obama said, ‘I miss being anonymous.’ He said, ‘In the old days, I could blend in with all the other Hawaiian Barack Hussein Obamas.’” —Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is going to seek reelection. His slogan this time? ‘Change you can believe in. This time I promise. Really.’” –Jay Leno

“President Obama said he plans on running for re-election against the Republicans. After the tax cuts for the rich, the bailouts for Wall Street, and the bombing in Libya, I already thought he was the Republican candidate.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama laid out his plan to reduce the $14 trillion national debt. Unfortunately for Sasha and Malia, it involves selling a lot of Girl Scout cookies.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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A couple of weeks ago President Obama thought he was talking privately at a fundraiser to democratic supporters who were paying $38,000 a plate.  He figured it was a safe audience to complain about Republicans and anything he wanted to.  Unfortunately, things don’t always go as planned (or as promised if we were talking about his campaign) and unbeknownst to the President his comments were being piped into the White House pressroom where some veteran reporters were taking notes.  This is very similar to being caught in a room with your pants down, but then this article isn’t about Bill Clinton.

My favorite quote from this unauthorized snooping (I think it’s called Karma) was Obama’s opinion of the White House information technology.  He said, “I always thought I was going to have really cool phones and stuff.  I’m like, c’mon guys, I’m the president of the United States.  Where’s the fancy buttons and stuff and the big screen coming up?  It doesn’t happen.”

So, apparently he thought he was going to be the president on Star Trek.  Now I’m beginning to understand what is wrong with this presidency.  No wonder it took him so long to come up with a birth certificate, he is actually a president from the future.

And as far as the part where he says, “c’mon guys, I’m the president of the United States.”  We’re all hoping to remedy that in 2012.

If all the Obama’s have this kind of attitude I’m guessing that his dog, Bo, wants his dog poop cleaned up with gold plated shovels and placed delicately into lace covered bags, of course, all at tax payer’s expense.  Hey, I just realized maybe politicians are descended from dogs because they just do their business wherever they want to just like a dog does.

Next, Obama said about Republicans, “Do they think we’re stupid?”…I’m sorry, my mind went ablaze with potential rebuttals for that question.  There are so many possible comments for that one and I’m sure they are going through your head as well, so I’m going to leave that one alone.

He also said about government employees that some of them were slugs and not trying to do their job. I couldn’t agree more and may I say that when there is a problem like that it often starts at the top.  And sometimes it’s because the guys at the top are more interested in “cool stuff” instead of doing their job effectively.

Obama must have been having a bad week because a few days after this event he was being interviewed by a reporter and he admonished the interviewer afterward for not letting him finish his answers. My guess is the reporter was afraid he’d pull out a teleprompter and he’d never get to finish the interview.

Back to the fundraiser gaffe, the press secretary said the next day that the president wasn’t embarrassed by anything he said because it wasn’t anything he wouldn’t say in a public venue.  So either the press secretary figures Obama often says stupid things in public venues or maybe he was thought he was talking about Joe Biden.

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(This is  a post I made last year around this time but these could mostly apply to this year too.)

Here are some funny New Year’s resolutions that I’m guessing might have been made by some famous people this year:

President Obama has sworn off any new tax cuts and has promised his liberal base he would attend tax cutter’s anonymous.

To his new non-partisan fans Obama has pledged no new stimulus packages.

Last one for Obama, he has promised to not add any more new personalities to his Schizophenia.   (The current ones include centrist, non-partisan, Muslim, Christian,Kenyan, American, communist, socialist and liberal, et. al.)

Hillary Clinton has resolved to never be seen in public in anything but a pants suit.  (Okay, she doesn’t like to make new resolutions so she just carries them over from one year to the next, e.g. “keep an eye on Bill, he may be cheating,” is one she’s had since they’ve been married.)

Larry King, now that he no longer has his show, has resolved to spend more time with his family.  In other words, he wants to have sex with other family members, not just his sister-in-law.

Al Gore has resolved to no longer be boring.   (Oops! Another resolution that never made it past  January 1st.)

Credit card companies have resolved to no longer be arbitrary in their decisions to cancel people’s credit or raise interest rates.  From now on they will simply make all their decisions with the flip of a coin.

Ben Bernake, since dropping money out of helicopters has not worked metaphorically, has vowed to literally drop money out of helicopters.

Congress has vowed to take on the really big issues such as a playoff series for college football and take on those little pesky issues like war, the economy and jobs when they can find the time.

Lindsay Lohan has resolved to write a new book this year entitled, Sobriety for the Insane.

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