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(My new humor book, “How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That”  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

This past week a Biblical Scholar came out and said that God was married.  Finally, we can have more of an understanding why a good, benevolent God would cause such things as disease, hardship, earthquakes, hurricanes, pestilence, etc.

I’m not saying that women can drive men a little crazy sometimes…okay, well maybe I am, but I only mean it in a good way… (Quick guys, somebody help me out of the corner I trapped myself into here.)

Well, since no one came to my defense it is just more evidence that all the men were afraid because their women tend to be control freaks.  Yes, I know that is a generalization and it is totally untrue.  It’s just the married women who are control freaks.

I have a theory about this…which upon speculation I have decided to keep totally to myself.  I thought that might be wise based on the hot breath I felt on my neck.  And trust me; this is not the good type of hot breath that we men fantasize about.  It’s more like a specter of death kind of hot breath that warned me to keep my mouth shut.  (See, I told you they were control freaks-ouch!)

Women like to think that they don’t want their men to be “whipped”, yet, in reality, they like to feel like they control everything about their man.  They won’t use the term in public but when they get behind closed doors where it is just women talking I’d bet it is one of the most common words in their vocabulary!  This is kind of like Charlie Sheen and “winning”.  For women their version of “winning” is “whipped”.

Here is an example of a woman having her man “whipped”:

Wife: Honey, I need you to take out the trash right away, it’s starting to overflow.

Husband:  I’ll do it in a little while.  I’m busy right now.

Wife:   You said the same thing a few hours ago.  You’re sitting on your chair doing nothing.

Husband:  That’s just the way it appears.  For all you know I could be saving the world here while I’m deep in my thought processes.

Wife:  That’s great Ghandi, but how about saving the world after you take out the trash.  We’re going to have our own crisis of great proportions right here in this house if you don’t do it now!

Husband:  Fine, I’ll do it, but the fate of the world is on your head.

Wife:  I’ll bear that burden…And while you’re up run to the store and get a few things.  I’ll make a list.

(The husband is grumbling to himself as he walks out the door.)

Wife:  (Gets a big smile and says to herself) Duh, whipped.

In reality, it only appears we men are whipped.  We are not stupid… okay, maybe a little bit.  But what we really are is sly like a fox.  If we let you women think you are in control of everything we get out of an awful lot of work and that plays right into our hands.  Because, what we are more than anything is lazy and shiftless.  I think it’s safe to say the men win that round…wait…At least I think we do.

darnfunnyonline.com

(My new humor book, “How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That”  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

As a man I can’t really understand why a woman feels a burning need to buy new clothing just because she is taking a trip.  My girlfriend recently had to go somewhere for a couple of weeks and in the rush of getting ready it was an emergency to get to the mall to buy new clothing.  I asked her why she couldn’t just wear some of the clothing that was in her closet.  I got an eye roll and, “You wouldn’t understand.”  That was definitely a statement I could agree with.

But the fact is (at least the facts as I see them) women have been this way down through the ages.  I can just hear a pioneer woman as she is packing up the wagon to join the wagon train going west:

Woman:  I am not getting onto that wagon until I get to the store and buy a new bonnet.

Man:  What’s wrong with the bonnets you have now?  Don’t you have like a dozen of them?

Woman:  All of my bonnets are so last year!  Have you ever even seen the cover of Pioneer Woman Weekly?

Man:  Well, no not really, I’ve been working in the field and hunting for food and taking care of the animals.

Woman:  (rolls her eyes and shakes her head)

Next, let’s take the time machine back a little farther to Roman times:

Woman:  Since we are going to visit my mother I’m going to have to go buy some new stolas.  (Author’s note: that is comparable Roman clothing for women to a toga…it’s not that I’m so smart, I googled it.  And you thought I didn’t do research for these articles!)

Man:  But, why?  You have enough stolas to fill a chariot.

Woman:  When we attend an orgy on this trip I’m not going to going to wear a stola that I wore to another orgy.

Man:  But at a Roman orgy we are naked!

Woman:  Duh, you have to wear clothing to get there.  And , by the way, it will need to be designer.  I’m not going to be caught dead wearing something off the rack and risk some other woman throwing the same outfit I had on into the  a pile of clothing at the door.

Man:  Well, I’m not buying a new toga, mine is perfectly good.

Woman:  You men are so lucky, all your togas are the same color and design.

Man:  Whatever!

Woman:  (rolls her eyes and shakes her head)

Now we’ll go way back to prove my theory, back to prehistoric times:

Woman:  If we are having dinner at the Flintsones’s tonight I’m going to need a new outfit.

Man:  Didn’t I just skin a tiger for you the other day?

Woman:  Yes and I heard Fred killed a tiger from that same herd.  I’m not going to be wearing the same skins Wilma has on.  (Author’s note again: I know a group of tigers is not called a herd but my research budget for this article has already been reached.  Get over it!)

Man:  Oh, man!

Woman:  And, Grrgg, I want a Sabertooth skin!

Man:  Okay, fine!  Women!

Woman: (rolls her eyes and shakes her head)

So, there you have it, undeniable proof that woman have been obsessed with clothing down through the ages.  And I’ll bet you if we took a look into the future you would see a woman in a space ship buying new clothing every time she and her husband were going to take off for a new planet.  Yup! I just looked, it’s true!

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