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Today is a short post but a funny one.  Here are the top 1o funniest headlines from the whole Weinergate fiasco:

Top 10 Weinergate Headlines

1. Battle of the Bulge, Weiner Exposed (New York Post)

2. Disgusted Democrats Letting Weiner Shrivel (New York Post)

3. Yeah, I’m A Schmuck (New York Daily News)

4. The Big Wang Theory (The Daily Show)

5. Weiner’s Pickle (Daily News)

6. Cocksure Weiner Mocked Larry Craig Sex Scandal (TMZ)

7. The Lesson of Weiner’s Schnitzel: Delete, Delete, Delete (Kansas City Star)

8. Boehner Won’t Bite on Weiner (CNSNews)

9. Congressman Wants Weiner Probe (Fox News)

10. Weiner’s ‘Junk’ Defense (The Daily Beast)

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

1)      President Obama’s top economic advisor stepped down last week.  He’s being replaced with the rock, paper, scissors method of making decisions.

2)      According to a poll by ABC News/Washington Post, 90 % of Americans view the economy negatively.  The other 10% work in the Obama Administration.

3)      Charlie Sheen is really upset these days.  Just as he gave up cocaine the price of coffee sky rockets.  He says his cocaine habit was cheaper.

4)      It’s getting so bad for Congressman Weiner that he had to change his Facebook status to “It’s complicated.”

5)      The late night comedians got together and prayed for something to replace Donald Trump running for President and God answered their prayers with “Weinergate.”

6)      Obama is really stretching it and saying he has created new jobs.  Just the other day he was heard saying, “I hear Newt Gingrich is hiring.”  He forgot to say that even that is a very temporary job.

7)      In a recent survey about our educational system 75% of the participants said we are failing our young.  The other 25% couldn’t read the question.

8)      In the same survey when people were asked what the consequences of the lack of education for our young would be a very high percentage said it would lead to job security….for them.  This was because they could show up late, get drunk at lunch and still not worry about being replaced by  some young snot-nosed kid.

9)      Hugo Chavez, the dictator of Venezuela, underwent surgery in Cuba.  Even though he hates America he would have considered coming here for the operation but he felt Obamacare was just too communistic for him.

10)   Comedian, Tracy Morgan, is taking some heat for some gay jokes that were considered in bad taste.  It was so bad he no longer has a shot at being considered as a guest on “Glee.”

11)   The U.S. was rated the funniest country in the world according to a survey.  Americans are so quick to laughter there were even some who thought this web site was funny!

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Here is another episode of “It Could be Worse” where we take a humorous look at no matter how bad things seem to be you can always see how things could be worse:

It could be worse:

1)      You could be Arnold Schwarzenegger and have a house twice as big as the one he had, which would mean you’d have twice as many maids and twice as many illegitimate children.

2)      You could be the Philadelphia woman that is suing Dunkin Donuts for putting sugar in her coffee that caused her to go into diabetic shock and not be aware enough to realize that she went into diabetic shock just from walking into Dunkin Donuts.

3)      You could be the new comic book super hero character called “Foreskin Man” that is from San Francisco and lobbying to make circumcision illegal for males under the age of 18…actually, I don’t need to say more on this one because if you are a super hero and that is your name and your project in life you really have hit bottom.

4)      You could be President Obama and in describing the economy you say that we have “hit a few bumps” and not realize that the definition you are using for a bump is a mountain.

5)      You could be Congressman Weiner (again, I could stop right there, but I’ll continue on this one) and be accused of sending pictures of your weiner to college age females and then deny it and follow it up with your admission of guilt. (Nope, just gave all the facts on this one and it was about as low as you’d want to go.) (Man, some people are screwed up but why does it have to be congressmen who are leading the pack of screwed up people.)

6)      You could be Congressman Weiner again and your situation is so bad that even Brett Farve is calling for your resignation.

7)      You could be President Obama and be bragging about all the jobs that have been created but not telling anyone that most of the new jobs came from McDonalds.

8)      You could be James Arness, of Gunsmoke fame, who died last week, and when you  went to heaven you found out that Miss Kitty wasn’t waiting for you there with any of the girls from the saloon.

9)      You could be Dr. Kevorkian, who died this week, and not have had a Dr. Kevorkian to help you go peacefully.

10)   You could be John Edwards who just got indicted for using campaign fund to cover up the facts about his mistress…Okay, the fact is, the real life story on the politicians is as funny as anything anybody can write.

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on currents events over the last week:

It turns out that President Obama has Irish ancestry.  Donald Trump wants to see their birth certificates.

Obama was a little miffed because the security name that Scotland Yard had for him in England roughly translated to smart aleck.  But really that’s a compliment compared to a lot of the names he’s called in his own country.  (If there’s any doubt, I’m talking about the US not Kenya.)

Presidential candidate, Tim Pawlenty, said his campaign will tell the American people the truth, so already we know he’s lying to us.

In an interview with Rolling Stone magazine Donald Trump discusses his best orgasm ever.  Knowing how self absorbed The Donald can be I’m going to guess there was no other person involved with that orgasm.

A man was arrested last week for masturbating on a United Airlines flight.  When he left the plane they charged him a “getting off fee” and it wasn’t because he was leaving.

Speaking of airlines, Southwest Airlines has implemented a new fee.  They’ll charge $15 for curing constipation every time they scare it out of you on one of their planes.

Campbell’s announced sales of its soups have dropped due to rising food costs.  So, to combat that they are going to eliminate any of the real food they still do use in their soups.

The Pope’s advisor on pedophilia cases, an Italian priest, has been arrested and charged with pedophilia.  He told police he was just doing research so he could be a better advisor.

A burglar in Delaware was found sleeping on his victim’s couch after drinking too many beers during the robbery.  The 63 year old woman homeowner came home and he ran out when she said she was going to call to call the police.  He was later apprehended while he was walking in the neighborhood drinking a beer.  He would compare to great thieves as “pull my finger’ would compare to high brow humor.

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Here are some funny observations made after keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

The big sigh of resignation that you may have heard last week was done collectively by all the late night comedians when Donald Trump announced that he would not run for president.

Donald Trump decided not to run for president because he was afraid he’d have to prove his hair was real.

Miss Wisconsin was charged with three counts of identity theft so she gave back her crown.  One of the incidents of identity theft occurred during the Miss Wisconsin Beauty Contest when during the talent competition she showed a video of Kirstie Alley in Dancing With the Stars and passed it off as herself.

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s unfavorable rating has recently gone up to 68%.  But it really depends on who you survey because among Bill Clinton, John Edwards and Al Gore they couldn’t give him a better rating.

In fact, those three same guys were all calling Arnold and asking for the employment agency where he got his maid.

It’s actually a little surprising that Maria Shriver would be so upset with Arnold that she would split up with him, after all, she is a Kennedy.

In Texas, a 100 year old woman graduated from high school.  I guess she was held back a few times.

America has reached its debt limit of $14.3 trillion. Now Obama is getting daily calls from a collection Agency in China asking for a minimum payment to keep the account alive.

I saw a headline that said sperm whales speak in accents.  I didn’t even know they spoke languages at all.   But, being a “sperm “whale I’m guessing the language is the “language of love” and that would make the accent like a French guy, I guess.

Dick Cheney wrote his memoir entitled “In my Time.” Some chapter titles that they wanted to make rhyme with the book title were, “Waterboarding, It’s My Line,” and “Shoot’em in the Face, It’s Just Fine.”  And there was one suggested by George W. Bush, that they didn’t use and it didn’t rhyme with the others, but it did rhyme with itself was “Uncle Dick Sure is a Prick.”

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on the current events over the past week:

Obama is going to have his picture on the new money that’s going to come out.  They are going to call it Nuclear Money.  They are going to call it that because they’ve given out so much regular money during his administration that it will only have a half-life of regular money.

Justin Beiber was on an episode of CSI and that show’s star said he was a brat.  When Justin was asked for a response he started kicking and screaming and said she was a big do-do head.

A new perfume has added the smell of pork to its aromatic blend.  I knew America was getting fatter but this is ridiculous.

We are learning more and more about Osama bin Laden.  His first wife was actually his first cousin and she was only 15 years old when they were married so it’s very possible that for part of the last nine years they have been hiding in the hills of Tennessee.

Donald Trump had a recent interview with Rolling Stone Magazine.  It seems he really gave out a lot of information about himself – he really let his hair down.

Bristol Palin is coming out with a memoir this summer, it’s called “Not Afraid of Life.” And it has a subtitle, “But I am Kind of Afraid of My Mom.”

A TSA screener in Kansas City was criticized for patting down an 8 month old baby.  The screener defended himself saying that there was a suspicious smell coming from the baby’s diaper.

Linsday Lohan was sentenced to 4 months in prison and 400 hours of community service.  She said she was happy so that she could get on with her career.  I can only assume she was talking about her career as a jewelry thief.

A man in Nigeria says God guided him to take 107 wives.  If that is true it looks like God is trying to get a reality show where he tricks people into doing really stupid things.

If this guy with all these wives is from Nigeria maybe he is the person who keeps e-mailing me to help him to get his money out of the country.  Because if they start divorcing him he could end up financially ruined.

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It’s time for another version of “It Could be Worse” where we cheer ourselves up by looking at no matter how bad things seem to be they can always be worse:

It could be worse:

1)      You could be a dog living with a hungry Vietnamese family:

2)      You could be a  homeless person and just as you are making your “will work for food” sign your magic marker dries up.

3)      You could be a very virtuous, attractive, slightly overweight woman and saving yourself for marriage and be set up on a blind date with Bill Clinton.

4)      You could run out of gas on a lonely desolate road and your only source of new gas is the food you ate an hour ago at Taco Bell.

5)      You could have a group of Jehovah’s Witnesses ringing your doorbell and they refuse to leave because they know you are hiding inside.

6)      You could be a guy in a bar telling your friends about the sexual conquest you had last night and through the fog of the beer you realize it was just a masturbation fantasy.

7)      You could be that guy again in the bar talking to your friends and you tell them about the cleavage you just saw but you don’t tell them that it was the cleavage of your fat-assed plumber who was at your house to unclog the toilet.

8)      You could have so many weird things happening to you that you qualify to get your own reality show.

9)      You could have been Donald Trump’s brother named John and when people started calling him “the Donald” they started calling you “the John”.

10)   You could get a free piece of birthday cake when you eat at Denny’s and the only thing you can think to wish for when you blow out the candles is to be in a different restaurant.

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In acknowledgement of his birthday last week here are some of Jay Leno’s best jokes over the last couple of years:

”Well, folks, Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions, impaired her thinking, and she’s hoping that the effects will eventually wear off.”

”I understand it’s not going to be a traditional wedding. Rumor is that Bristol asked Levi to wear his camouflage hunting vest. Which would be the closest he’s ever come to wearing protection of any kind.” —( on Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston’s wedding)

”That’s pretty amazing, Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize.”

”There are new security alerts issued to law enforcement agencies all across the country, because Al Qaeda is planning to attack vital economic centers. Well, good luck trying to find one of those. Luckily, Wall Street took care of them about a year ago, so we are safe.”

”Hey, this is absolutely true. There’s an organization now called ‘Draft Dick Cheney for President, 2012.’ Yeah. Good luck with that. They tried to draft Dick Cheney five times during Vietnam. That didn’t work.”

”It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from ‘Yes we can’ to ‘Yes, we caved.’ It’s so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate.”

”It’s freezing all across the United States. In fact, in D.C., the weather is so bad, they actually hired convicted criminals to shovel snow at the U.S. Capitol. Isn’t that amazing? It’s nice to see members of Congress doing something useful for a change.”

”Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Ironically, many of the babies he’ll kiss on the campaign trail will be his own.”

”A new study shows that the phrase most often used by President Obama is, ‘Let me be clear.’ The phrase he uses the least often? ‘Let me be specific.”’

”A congressman actually apologized to BP’s CEO for the way the company has been treated. How stupid are you when the CEO of BP is in the room and people think you’re the moron?”

”Rush Limbaugh is OK after being released from a Hawaiian hospital after a heart scare. Fox News sent flowers; MSNBC sent cheese fries.”

”In Austin, Texas, President Obama told an audience, ‘If you want to go forward you put your car in ‘D.’ If you want to go backward, you put your car in ‘R.” But you know something? Either way, the economy is still F’d.”

”The White House is calling for bailed-out executives to get a 90% pay cut. They want their pay cut 90% so it’s more in line with the job they’re doing. Here’s my question: why can’t we get this for Congress?”

”In a speech in Canada, former President George W. Bush said he was proud that when he was in office he didn’t sell his soul, which is true. He rented it to Dick Cheney, who then sublet it to Halliburton, but it’s totally different.”

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on the current events over the last week:

Last week Delta Airlines was warned about several rat droppings found in their planes.  Delta took this opportunity to charge fliers a rat dropping clean up fee.

A cat was found that was suspected to have swum from New Jersey to New York Harbor, about a one mile swim, after being swept up in torrential rains in New Jersey.  It really wasn’t that heroic with all the pollution in the water the cat was able to walk most of the way.

The reverend Franklin Graham said that social media could play a big part in the second coming of Christ.  I’m not sure how that is so, unless the reverend thinks Jesus likes to waste a lot of time online and play with pretend farm animals.

Obama’s daughters went to him and asked him for a raise in their allowances.  He refused by saying the economy is too bad and they all have to learn to live within their means.  So the girls called Donald Trump and told him the birth certificate is a fake.

Last Thursday was National Take our Sons and Daughters to Work Day.  This is no longer a special day for many people.  Many have to have to take their kids to work because they can no longer afford a baby sitter.

One of Charlie Sheen’s Goddesses broke up with him so she has gone from a Goddess to a godless, winless, whore.

Osama bin Laden was killed by US Troops.  He was expecting to be rewarded in Heaven with 72 virgins.  Instead he’ll be headed in the other direction and there will be no virgins but he’ll get two fat gay guys with every STD known to man.

Justin Bieber was scolded by a Qantas Airline flight attendant and was told he was acting like a child.  His only response was, “…And, what’s your point?”

Two soldiers that were killed in the Korean War were given the Medal of Honor.  So, apparently the government is acting with his usual efficiency.

In Miami one person was killed and five others were injured after a rat caused a car accident by chewing through wires that cause street lights to go out and resulted in an accident.  The rats in Miami are bad enough just don’t piss off any of those Florida cockroaches.

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Here are some funny observations made as a result of keeping an eye on the current events:

A report shows that swearing is a powerful painkiller.  If that is true then Joe Biden has enough advance payments to live pain-free for the rest of his life.

A college girl tried to spark debate about female body image with a life-size Barbie doll.  The doll she created had a 39” chest and an 18” waist.  This has led men, when asked about the project to remark, “So what’s the problem?”

Lindsay Lohan got sentenced to 120 days in jail for a probation violation.  If they really wanted to punish her they could put her on house arrest while living with her father.

Kid Rock regrets the stage name he chose for himself when he was young, now that he has turned 40.  As a result he’s changing his name again and he’ll now be known as Middle-Aged Rock.

President Obama said he is not concerned with the 2012 election, he is concerned with the here and now…and here and now he needs to do fundraising for the 2012 election.

The government is still running after the threatened shut down of a few weeks ago…Can anyone tell?

Donald Trump came in first by a landslide of people polled to see who should be the next president.  It was a poll of the late night comedians.

Idaho has potatoes, Iowa has corn and Kansas has wheat, but Washington D.C. has the manure to make it all grow.

Michelle Obama has said that their dog Bo is the most popular Obama.  I can see why he is more popular than the President.  Bo only craps on the White House Lawn, whereas the President spread his craps on the whole country.

According to a recent poll by CBS 80% of the population said the economy is doing poorly.  The other 20% have already left the country and were unavailable.

Another CBS poll said 70% of Americans believe we’re on the wrong track.  The other 30% said, “There’s a track?”

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