Ben Bernake has pledged to fight deflation but he basically said he has no idea how.  So he has been seen wearing boxing gloves and wandering around looking for some girl named Dee Flation.  Richard Nixon became famous for the line, “I am not a crook.”  Bernake is likely to be known for the line, “I am not an economist.”  In fact, he so much has no idea of what he is doing that he is thinking of retiring and becoming an executive for BP oil.

Miners in Chile’ are trapped in a mine and officials there are saying it will take months to get them out.  So, apparently the BP oil execs and engineers have been transferred to Chile’.

Male teachers in Milwaukee are up in arms because their health benefits are no longer going to cover Viagra.  At the same time the female students at the school who were having trouble getting passing grades are breathing a sigh of relief.

John Lennon’s toilet went on sale this last weekend at a Beatle’s convention in Liverpool, England.  You can bet Liverpool was flush with stories about that.  It sold for over $14,000 so you can bet the guy who bought that has a good head for business.  (Whew!  I feel relieved getting those toilet puns out of my system and, frankly, I’d have been pissed if I hadn’t.)

There is a car being developed that will be powered by urine.  This is seen to be a real boon to the beer industry.

Obama has said in a recent interview that he is not worried about all the rumors that he is Muslim and accusations that he wasn’t born in the US.  He was quoted as saying, “I can’t spend all my time with  my birth certificate plastered to my forehead.”  But maybe he could stuff it in his mouth or at least use it to cover the teleprompter when he talks so that we don’t have to hear about any more hope and change.  Too much more of his change and the country will be bankrupt.  (A little too much truth there to be very funny.  Sorry about that, so I’ll do one more.)

There is talk about doing a male version of The View.  In that show I guess you’ll have men sitting around burping, farting, cussing and watching sports while drinking beer and telling jokes about women.  What else would it be?

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A massage therapist has accused Al Gore of sexual misconduct in 2006 while he had checked into a hotel under the alias of Mr. Stone.  This alias must have been based on what his personality is like because Tipper has assured everyone that it wasn’t because Al would get as hard as that.

The woman is claiming to have clothing with DNA from his semen as evidence that it occurred.  Gore is now claiming to have invented that method of proving illicit sex.

Congressman are now suggesting that the proper punishment for BP executives would be to put them in a small room with vuvuzela horns blowing until the oil spill is fully cleaned up.

Obama is warning European countries not to make cuts in their economies because budget slashing could threaten the global recovery.  Ben Bernake has even offered to lend any of these financially strapped countries helicopters to drop money from, if needed.

General McChrystal, the top general in Afghanistan, got fired for making disparaging remarks about Obama and his administration.  If that’s all it takes I think we have finally found a way to get all of our troops out of Afghanistan.

In related news, McChrystal had unfriended both Obama and the editor of Rolling Stone magazine from his Facebook account.

An Arizona restaurant is serving lion burgers, burgers actually made from lion meat.  They said it only happened because they had bought the lions to have illegal aliens fight the lions,  ala the Roman coliseums, but when they found out that might be bad PR they decided going this route with the lions would be so much better.

Chest x-rays of Marilyn Monroe recently sold at an auction for $45,000.  The buyer was pissed because he thought they were going to be 3D photos and now he thinks the auctioneers are just trying to extort more money out of him by forcing him to buy the 3D glasses.

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You’d both hear that stuff come out when he was actually intending some really nasty stuff and you’d both look at each other and say “What!?” (Note: the exclamation point and question mark would not be sounded out in this case.)  You’d both start laughing and walk away friends again.

It kind of works that way with kids sometimes:

1st Kid:  You stupid do-do brain.

2^nd Kid:  Yeah, well  you’re balongo head.

1^st Kid: You’re a kalogtangoagado face.

2^nd Kid:  You’re a boo-boo head.

Then they are overtaken by uncontrollable laughter for no logical reason and they run off and play again, only to repeat the process a few more times in the day.

Maybe adults should just fight like kids do, or better yet, if heads of state would argue like that we could end up with world peace.  Let’s use our imaginations and think of what Hillary Clinton and the dictator of North Korea, Kim Jong-il, would argue like if they did it like kids:

Hillary:  You need to get rid of your stupid-head nuclear weapons.

Kim Jong-il:  Nuh-Uh!

Hillary:  Yuh-huh!

Kim Jong-il:  I can do what I want.

Hillary: Yeah, well you have weird hair.

Kim Jong-il:  Well, you’re a BITCH!  (Oops!  Sorry, I lost track of things there, that’s actually what Bill Clinton would have said to Hillary.  I’ll give Kim another shot at it.)

Kim Jong-il:  Well you wear weird pants suits all the time.

To that, Hillary’s lower lip would start to quiver and after a short pause she would get up and run to the door.  Just before she ran out she would turn and yell at him:

Hillary:  Yeah, well why are all the people in your stupid country named Kim?  Can’t you think of any other names?

Then she’d run out into the hall and bumps into the principal of the United Nations, who would take them both into his office and they work things out.  They would stick their tongues out at each other as they’d leave the office but at least they weren’t fighting anymore.

Okay, that one probably didn’t end up like you thought it would (it didn’t for me either) but nobody got blown up.

So, let’s give this fighting like kids one more go, with President Obama and Vladimir Putin, the Prime Minister of Russia, going at it like kids would:

Obama:  Why do act so weird all the time?

Putin:  I don’t, you do, you stupid bogo head.

Obama:  No, you do!

Putin:  No, You do!

Obama:  Wait a minute.  Why are we fighting?  I admire you and your country so much.  I wish my country was more like yours.

Putin:  Hey, thanks dude.  You keep working on it, you’re headed there.

They put their arms around each other and as they are walking off together Putin has another question:

Putin:  Why do people in your country accuse you of being a communist like it’s a bad thing?

Obama:  I KNOW, huh?

They laugh about it together and then run off and play in a pile of other people’s money.

If you’ve followed Obama’s presidency at all that one didn’t surprise you a bit…Yuh-huh!

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You don’t pay taxes. They take taxes.

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

A black C student can’t do shit with his life. A black C student can’t be a manager at Burger King, meanwhile a white C student just happens to be the President of the United States.

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

Have you been watching American Idol? They have Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul judgin’ the singin. Paula Abdul?! Gettin’ Paula Abdul to judge a singin’ contest is like gettin’ Christopher Reeve to judge a dance contest!

You won’t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.

I don’t get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there’s no rehab for stupidity.

That s**t wasn’t about race. That s**t was about fame. If O.J. wasn’t famous he’d be in jail right now. If O.J. drove a bus, he wouldn’t even be O.J. He’d be Orenthal the bus driving murderer.

If a woman tells you she’s 20 and looks 16, she’s 12. If she tells you she’s 26 and looks 26, she’s damn near 40.

Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn’t even the star of his own Halloween special.

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Yeah, I love being famous. It’s almost like being white, y’know?

Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don’t want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I’m talking about. Every club you go into, there’s always some old guy. He ain’t really old, just a little too old to be in the club.

Men want three things in life. Food, sex, and silence. So feed me, f**k me and shut the f**k up!

They don’t want you to vote. If they did, we wouldn’t vote on a Tuesday. In November. You ever throw a party on a Tuesday? No. Because nobody would come.

The only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they’re not mad they lost. Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won an Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance. I was like, “If you’d done that in the movie, you’d have won an Oscar, girl!”

You know the worst thing about n****rs? N****rs always want credit for some s**t they supposed to do. A n****r will brag about some s**t a normal man just does. A n****r will say some s**t like, “I take care of my kids.” You’re supposed to, you dumb motherf**ker! What kind of ignorant s**t is that?! “I ain’t never been to jail!” What do you want, a cookie?! You’re not supposed to go to jail, you low-expectation-having motherf**ker!

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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

My cousin is gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

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Q: What’s the difference between Elvis and a smart Liberal?

A: Elvis has been sighted.

Q: How do you get a one-armed Liberal out of a tree?                                                                                                                               A: Wave to him.

Q: What do you call a basement full of Liberals?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 Democrats.

Q: What is foreplay for a Democrat?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.

Q: What is the Democrat doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

A Democrat found a magic genie’s lamp and rubbed it. The genie said, “I will grant you one wish.” He said, “I wish I were smarter”. So the genie made him a Republican.

Q: What the difference between a Democrat and the rear end of a horse?
A: I don’t know either.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They prefer to walk in the dark.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a Democrat.

Q: What’s the difference between a Liberal and a sack of manure?
A: The sack.

Q: What’s the difference between an Iraq terrorist and a liberal?
A: The Iraq terrorist makes fewer demands.

Q: How can you tell a group of Liberals?
A: They are the ones burning the Constitution

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Goldman Sachs insists they did not mislead investors,  A spokesman was quoted as saying, “Fraud-shmaud, we prefer to call it artistic license in the field of accounting.”

The new one hundred dollar bill was recently unveiled, unfortunately it’s only worth about $25.

Several key staffers from the SEC were found to have been looking at excessive porn while they should have been policing the economy.   I’m wondering if that included looking at the books of Goldman Sachs because there were definitely people getting screwed there.

Rachel Uchitel, the first mistress linked to tiger Woods is rumored to be joining “Dancing with the Stars”.  In related news they are thinking of changing the name of “Dancing with the Stars” to “Dancing with 15 Minutes of Fame”.

In a recent poll 80% of people said they don’t trust the government.  To that I say, “Duh.”  Next the same pollsters are going to poll teenage girls to see if they like to attend Jonas Brothers concerts.

In another poll, a majority of people favored the legalization of marijuana.  The poll was conducted at the Woodstock Retirement Home.

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A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

Experience is what you have after you’ve forgotten her name.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor’s sixth husband. I know what I’m supposed to do, but I don’t know how to make it interesting.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

I’d rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I’d rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it’s terribly inconvenient.

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He’s shy a quarter of a million dollars. That’s why he’s retiring.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.

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Remember, half the people you know are below average. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture most people have. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. OK, so what’s the speed of dark? When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? Why do psychics have to ask you your name? Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, “What the heck happened?” Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow

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