According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.

Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night’s Democratic debate.

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she’s strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.

Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.

For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn’t that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you’re average – hey, let’s get a pizza!

Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you’re not the best, so you should work a little harder.

I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, “I’d like some fries.” The girl at the counter said, “Would you like some fries with that?”

If God doesn’t destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

If you don’t want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.

Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of LA in the next election. Remember the good ‘ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.

More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy – he’s one of their own.

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they’d be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.
Politics is just show business for ugly people.

The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they’re all lining up.

The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

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Abercrombie & Fitch has paid Jersey Shore star Mike Sorrentino, The Situation, to not wear their brand of clothing anymore because they were afraid it might hurt sales.  Now humans beings in general are also feeling he might reflect badly on all humans should aliens from another planet land on earth.

Last Friday was National Aviation Day so all the airline pilots got together and got drunk.  They had invited the air traffic control guys to the party too but they all just fell asleep.

There was a mysterious orange goo that showed up on the shoreline of a village in Alaska.  Turns out it was just residue of the make-up that John Boehner wears.

Burger King has dethroned their king as their mascot because they want to promote a healthy image.  At the same time McDonald’s is considering a new slogan, “Our mascot is a clown and we still kick Burger King’s ass.”

Starbucks is no longer going to let customers use their Internet service a whole day and just buy one cup of coffee.  They say if this is successful they may be able to lower their prices to only 4 times what they should be charging.

The man who saved a 6 year-old girl from a child abductor says he’s an illegal immigrant.  Now Congress is jumping on the band wagon with a new immigration policy – Save a life, get amnesty.

Bill Clinton celebrated his 65^th birthday.  He had a great time a in a relaxing hotel with a wonderful celebration and afterward he even took a call from Hillary wishing him a happy birthday.

The Georgetown University basketball team had a goodwill basketball tour in China that coincided with Joe Biden visiting China.  The Chinese team started a big fight and they couldn’t even finish the game.  It turns out they were pissed at the Americans for bringing Joe Biden into the country.

There was a shortage of drugs reported by drug companies and suddenly the world became brighter to so many people.  (Not a joke so much as a social commentary.)

Bill Clinton became a vegan but this is somewhat hypocritical of him because he is still very thankful that Monica Lewinsky was not a vegan back when he was President.

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It could be worse:

1)      You could be heavily invested in the stock market….or at least used to be heavily invested.

2)      Right after you switched to Verizon from AT&T because of bad service Verizon employees went out on strike and your bad service continued…uninterrupted.

3)      You could be a lab rat, which not only means you are a rat but they also do experiments on you.

4)      You could be a regular ceiling in a house and know that you can never be raised any higher than you are right now, unlike if you were a debt ceiling.

5)      You could be Bert and Ernie, who after an online petition to have you wed, decide to just continue being Muppets with benefits.

6)      You could be Alex Trebek , who tore an Achilles tendon while chasing a prostitute who robbed his hotel room and now you are the butt of every possible version of a “Jeopardy” joke about it.

7)      You could be Michele Bachman, who was quoted as saying we need a president who is a fighter, when what she really wanted to say was that we need a president with a set of balls, but she knew that wouldn’t help her get elected.

8)      You could be President Obama and make the statement, “There’s nothing wrong with our country.  There’s something wrong with our politics,” and not realize you are the head politician leading all the other crazy politicians.

9)      You could be Newt Gingrich who only beat “other” in the Iowa straw poll by less than 1% and then you celebrate your “victory” with a trip to Tiffany’s to buy something for your wife.

10)   You could be Obama trying to create new jobs and find out that even the border patrol is no longer hiring because Mexican’s no longer want to come into the country.

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After the debt deal got done in Congress, the Democrats also wanted to strike another deal, while the mood was right, to let them start using the Republican’s bathroom.

In Louisiana, a drunk father was arrested for allegedly letting his 8 year-old son drive his pick-up truck on the Interstate while he slept.  He defended his action by saying, “What’s the big deal?  When I was his age I’d drive my daddy’s truck while having sex with my cousin.”

After the debt deal last week the only thing dropping faster than the stock market was Obama’s approval rating.

A Dunkin Donuts employee in New Jersey was arrested for prostitution.  It was all the result of a misunderstanding.  When her manager told her to go out there and sell some donut holes she just never heard the donut part.

Facebook is always changing and expanding so fast that some people just can’t keep up.  I’m afraid people are going to get confused and start poking their Farmville animals.

82% of those polled disapprove of Congress, a record low.  This means there are probably family, friends, and even the people who are bribing them that don’t approve of them.

President Obama has asked Treasury Secretary, Timothy Geithner, to stay on board.  He figures with the advice he’s gotten from that guy he deserves to go down with the ship.

Geithner still wanted to leave, though, to work in the private sector.  Then he realized there were no jobs in the private sector.

The Treasury Secretary has accused Standard & Poors of making a grave error in downgrading the US credit rating.  He said their math was off by $2 trillion in estimating the size of the deficit over the next 10 years.  Apparently, Standard & Poors doesn’t use the same “bailout math” that the Treasury Department is used to.

After Standard &  Poors’ decision to downgrade the US credit rating President Obama said that the US will always be a AAA nation.  The Automobile Association was very grateful for the endorsement.

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The Post office might be closing 3,653 locations but the good news is we won’t see a drop off in service because it already sucks.

According to a poll less than half of Americans know that Mitt Romney is a Mormon.  Also, less than half know that President Obama was actually not born in the United States.

In another new survey, 40% of Internet users feel lonely when they are unable to get online.  They are forced to use their imaginations to figure out an alternate way to waste time.

In yet another poll, 46% of Americans think that most members of Congress are corrupt.  The other  54% thought corrupt was far too nice of a word.

Hugh Hefner’s former fiance said that she and Hef only had sex once.  Now we know, after that  that “brief interlude”, why she broke It up.

If the government had gone into default they would have been changing the name of Captain America to Private America.

I saw an advertisement this week that said that  the King Kong exhibit at Universal Studios was the world’s largest 3D experience.  I thought the world was the world’s largest 3D experience.

Only  17% of Americans believe that the country is headed in the right direction.  These are the same people that jog backwards.

In San Francisco a bill banning circumcision was “cut off” the ballot.

In Georgia, a 35 year-old Language Arts teacher was arrested for having sex with a 14 year-old male student.  Upon her arrest she said, “What? I thought the language of love was part of the curriculum.”

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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge… you can’t hear him talk.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

How young can you die of old age?

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn’t know what to add to it.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I got this powdered water – now I don’t know what to add.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.

I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.

I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.

I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious!

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Researchers in Japan have discovered a species of snail that migrates by letting itself be eaten by a bird and then flown somewhere and defecated out.  So their traveling experience is not that much different from when humans fly on many airlines today.

Charlie Sheen has a new series, Anger Management.  So this could be a reality program.

Donald Trump has a new grandchild.  The good news is so far the kid is mostly bald.  The family is hoping the bad hair gene will skip at least two generations.

Rick Perry and Michelle Bachman both said God was calling on them to run for President.   Unfortunately, for Newt Gingrich only bill collectors are calling him.

There is a 22 year-old woman who has a nipple on the bottom of her foot.  She gives a whole new meaning to the idea of “going out for a stimulating walk.”

Researchers aren’t sure if the nipple is on the bottom of her foot or if her breasts just really sag a lot.

A TSA officer was indicted on thefts of stealing 4 expensive watches, a $1,000 prepaid credit card and the virginity of 3 young women going through security to board a plane.

After yet another Ethics probe (Isn’t part of the problem too much probing?) of a congressman having an unwanted sexual encounter with a teen-aged daughter of a campaign donor, there was a rumor of a congressman who didn’t engage in extra-marital sex of any kind.  It turned out to be a hoax.

The findings of a new study show that your personality can trigger weight gain.  That is especially true if you feed your personality on a steady diet of McDonald’s food.

The producers of Dancing With the Stars have orders to find more high profile guest so if you are the second cousin of the aunt of a close friend of Brittany Spears your chances of getting on the show have just greatly diminished.

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A Chinese company is selling sex robots for men.  They are so lifelike that they even get regular headaches.

Scientists believe that people born in the next twenty years could live to be a thousand years old.  And the way people are gaining weight these days they could also weigh one thousand pounds.

A woman in Texas gave birth to a baby boy weighing 16 lbs and 1 ounce.  So now American kids aren’t even waiting to be born to be overweight.

If the government is shut down the TSA will still be working but they are threatening a work slow-down if their pay is delayed.  For example, they will only fondle one testicle on men or one breast for women as they go through the line.

House Speaker John Boehner told reporters that dealing with the Obama administration is like dealing with Jell-O.  The Jell-O makers are suing for defamation of character.

Katherine Becker, the Garden Grove woman who cut off her husband penis and threw it in the garbage disposal and ground it up, was arrested.  It’s a sad story.  The physical abuse is one thing, but to destroy a man’s mind is just going too far.

Finally, President Obama has come up with a shovel ready project, the burying of his political career.

In Midway, Georgia police are cutting down on crime by closing a lemonade stand that was being run by three young girls at one of the girl’s homes.  After that police were on the hunt for mothers making apple pie or grandmothers who were taking too long to cross the street.

Lady Gaga’s meat dress is now on exhibit at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland.  Many health conscious women are insisting if this catches on that they will only wear meat dresses made from grass-fed beef.

Timothy Geithner, the Secretary of Treasury, is confident that a debt deal in Congress can get done.  Yet after saying that witnesses heard him on the phone with credit card companies to see if the country’s credit card limits can be raised.

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One thing that did impress me though was the dress code of the workers there.  Except for the Apple logoed shirts they were wearing the type of clothing that you’d see someone typically wear to a picnic.  Since my standard summer wardrobe consists of shirt, shorts and sneakers it made me think, “Hey, maybe I am a geek after all.”  And on top of that it seemed like a lot of the employees were just standing around doing nothing, even though it looked like there were people waiting for service, it made me think, “Hmmm, maybe I do fit in here.”  I thought I could even work at a place like this since I specialize in standing around doing nothing.  It was even my major in college.

I mustered up the courage to ask the manager for a job.  But when he found out that I never owned any Apple made equipment and I think Mac is what you call a guy when you can’t think of his name, the interview got off to a bad start. Then it quickly ended when I realized I didn’t even know how to turn on an Iphone.

That’s okay, I only wanted a paycheck, not a job.  And even though their dress standards were low I get to work at home in my underwear and I think that is even below their standards. (Although, I did see one of them with his underwear outside his clothes.)

When someone finally came up to help us she carried an Iphone.  I was pleasantly surprised when she talked to us rather than texting as we stood face to face.  The question I wanted to ask her is why are all these Apple products prefaced with “I?”  Is it all part of the hedonistic culture that we have emblazoned across the nation and, in fact, the world that is manifested by the geeks that are so afraid to actually communicate that they bury their attention into a machine they can conveniently carry in their hand anywhere they go so they can hide from true human contact with anyone?  But I didn’t ask it because I was too busy laughing to myself about that the guy that was wearing his underwear outside of his clothes.

Then, as we finished, the girl attending to us made us feel as if we got a gift from heaven.  She did a little spin on the pricing that, instead of massively overcharging us only slightly overcharged us, making us feel like we scored a major coup, when it reality it was more like only getting punched in the face as opposed to being mugged and left in the gutter for dead.

Other than all of that it was quite an experience.  But my last question for the Apple people would be if these phones are so damn smart why aren’t they smart enough to teach me how to use one?  (Insert your own joke here about my intelligence or lack thereof.)

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The Blagovjevich trial was completed and he was found guilty of trying to sell the Senate seat vacated by President Obama.  He showed no facial expression when the verdict was read but from the look of his hair he must have really been upset….or crazy.

Blagovjevich’s lawyers are threatening to appeal his sentence and are thinking of using an insanity defense, his hair being the evidence.

Hugh Hefner, fresh off splitting with his fiancé, has a new girlfriend.  This isn’t considered a rebound girlfriend since he has no recollection of even having a fiancé anyway.

Bristol Palin claims in her book that her virginity was “stolen.”  But if a person leaves their car door unlocked with the key in the ignition they need to accept some responsibility for the car being stolen.  Here’s another car parallel, If you buy a really stupid car you are likely to get screwed.

Tracy Morgan just recently apologized profusely for cruel jokes he made about gays.  Now he is in trouble again for equally cruel jokes about the mentally disabled.  Next up for Morgan, he’ll be doing comedy gigs on the funeral circuit.

The company that created Farmville, a game played on Facebook, is doing an IPO and hoping to raise as much as $2 billion dollars.  Either there is an awful lot of pretend  farming going on or there is a pretend barn hidden away with pretend slot machines and hookers.

David Letterman flipped his audience the double bird last week showing he may not appreciate his audiences but he is definitely hands on in dealing with them.

Fireworks may not be legal in California but we can at least take comfort in knowing that as a country we can still blow up other countries.

Lindsay Lohan is now off house arrest.  She has a little more free time now so she updated her mug shot on Facebook.

Experts say that the gay marriage bill could bring in $210 into the economy.  That stands to reason with all the decorating that is likely to happen at their weddings.

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