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Here are some funny jokes about various subjects by several different comedians:

We came up with Earth Day so we would have one day every year that would remind us what planet we were living on. -Lewis Black

I was at a casino. I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said, ‘You gotta move — you’re blocking the fire exit,’ as though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. –Mitch Hedberg

If you’re flammable and have legs, you’re never blocking a fire exit. –Mitch Hedberg

There was this guy recently who sued his landlord because he said scalding water from the shower burned his genitals. That’s a hell of a way to test the water, huh? –Greg Giraldo

I like to talk to strangers. I like to go up to people I don’t know and just start conversations with them, just start a conversation. Try it. But the way I do it, don’t start the conversation in the beginning, just start it in the middle. Try it. Just go up to somebody you don’t know and and just go, ‘Well how do you think I felt?’ – Louis C. K.

Your name’s not Dickard; your name is Richard. There’s no reason to give yourself a phallic name. There’s no reason. You have so many choices: you can be Rick, you can be Rich. I’d rather be called Chard than be called Dick. Nobody does that: ‘My name’s Carl, but you can call me Cock.’ –Eddie Brill

One time, I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. –Demetri Martin

I notice that there are no ‘B’ batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion. Because if there were, you wouldn’t know when someone was stuttering. –Demetri Martin

I got talking to a girl in the front row; I asked her her name. She said, ‘It’s Pataka.’ I said, ‘That’s an unusual name. You don’t hear that every day.’ To which she replied, ‘Actually, I do.’ –Jimmy Carr

We say stupid stuff — ‘He looks down his nose at me.’ Well, of course, we all look down our nose. If he could look up his nose at you, either he’d be a freak or you’d be a booger. –Tom Cotter

Not only am I going to cause your card to rise to the top — I’ve changed it to the seven of spades. –The Amazing Jonathan

I saw a sign on this door; it said, ‘Exit Only.’ So, I entered it and went up to the guy working there, and I was like, ‘I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door over here by, like, 100%, man.’ –Demetri Martin

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. She gets into the chair and tells the tattoo artist, “I want two tattoos, one on each of my inner thighs. I want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other.”

The tattoo artist begins his work, but is a bit confused, so he says, “Lady, I’ll do anything my customers want, but I gotta ask, why would you want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other?”

“Well, if you really want to know,” she firmly answers, “I’m sick and tired of my husband telling me that there’s never anything to eat between the holidays.” -Unknown

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Steven Tyler is going to be leaving American Idol so that he can devote more time to his first love, cross dressing.

A man barricaded himself in a hotel in Belmont, North Carolina.  He threatened to shoot police and one of his demands was that he wanted to marry Paris Hilton.  So, I guess it is true; the criminal does try to punish himself.

At first the White House told us not to read too much into the recent bad jobs report.  Now they are saying it’s a vast right wing conspiracy and finally it will be Bush’s fault.

Bruce Willis has begun filming his fifth Die Hard movie.  His character is starting to get old.  The plot of the movie is he’s trying to get the attention of a driver who forgot to turn off his turn signal and now he’s really pissing off the other drivers.

Willis said there will be one more movie in the series after this.  In it his John McClain character will sign off and the movie will be called Died Hard.

There was a New York man who went to the hospital because he had a twelve hour erection after taking Cialis.  The doctors saved him but now he wants to pitch the story idea to Bruce Willis, with the title Almost Died Hard.  (Okay, I’m done with the Die Hard jokes.)

A new report finds the quality of education in public schools to be so bad these days that the only good reason for students to stay in school anymore is to have sex with the teachers.

Joe Biden announced that he is confident that Obama can win by running on his record.  Typically, he messed up the sentence and altered some words.  What he meant to say was, “he can only win if he runs away from his record.”

Charlie Sheen is really showing more and more signs of sanity and sobriety.  He has officially signed off from Twitter.

Robert F. Kennedy’s daughter, Kerry Kennedy, was arrested in New York for driving under the influence of drugs.  Her excuse was that she was trying to channel the family legacy.

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Here are some jokes by stand up comedian, Lynne Koplitz, who has appeared on Comedy Central:

I’ve been really cranky ’cause I’m on a diet. Here’s the thing: I’m OK with my weight like this, but I want to do television, which means I need to be a weight that’s not achievable.

My roommate actually asked me for four grapes once. She counted grapes. What kind of mental patient counts grapes? Do you know anyone who does that? That’s the weirdest thing. I was like, ‘Four grapes…’ To me grapes aren’t even a food. They’re like a palate cleanser. That’s what I eat to get the Big Mac taste out of my mouth.

Homeless guy asks for a dollar, and I said no because I was in a hurry or something, and as I was walking away, he was like, ‘You’ve got a fat ass, bitch!’ ‘Really? I’m taking my fat ass home. And I’m gonna eat when I get there.’

I dated a younger guy.  They expect you to be knowledgeable, don’t they, in the bedroom? I dated a guy — I’m not making this up — he literally said to me once, ‘Teach me something.’ I know a little Spanish: ‘El butt-o no entrado.’

You know what I like about dating younger guys? They follow rules really well. Like you can tell a younger guy, ‘Look, sex with me is like taking the SATs: just show up on time, do the best you can, and when I say stop, put your little pencil down.

Things change when you’re in your 30s. First of all, we hesitate when someone asks our age. ‘How old are you?’ You’re like, ‘How old am I? How’s the lighting? 28. Oh, you have cataracts? 25.’

Sometimes, I’ll do it doggy style because you can watch television. It’s a very underrated position because it frees you up to multitask. Let’s face it, the laundry isn’t going to fold itself, people.

You ever fall asleep performing oral sex? What’s so funny? I’ve done it. It’s not that bad. Waking up is horrible.

He was like, ‘Could you be enthusiastic, please?’ Not for nothing, but I’ve been with him for five years. His penis is in syndication at this point. You want enthusiasm? Make it do something I’ve never seen it do before, like the dishes. Oh, I would be so enthusiastic. I’d be like, ‘Go, penie! Go, penie! Go, penie!’

I think that genitalia is proof that the universe loves women more than men, and I’ll tell you why: ’cause if you look at our stuff — I mean, it’s all kind of gross — but at least with women, it’s all organized. It’s like God made a little package; it’s all tucked in with hospital corners and stuff. And with men, it’s like God started to make a bow, and the phone rang.

People start telling me I resemble Cindy Crawford. It’s not a compliment, because if I do look like her, it means I just kind of resemble her, which means I’m the Cindy Crawford you can get. I’m like the knockoff, Target version of Cindy, like that imposter’s cologne — like, ‘If you like Poison, you’ll love Arsenic.’

I grabbed a pair of pantyhose the other day — ladies, you can relate — something happened, and I had no crotch expansion all day. The women are giggling. Look at the men. It’s a sea of faces looking at me, like ‘Crotch: sounds good. Expansion: I’m interested. I don’t know what she’s talking about, but I’m alert.’

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Here are some Jay Leno jokes that are not all from his show.  A  lot of them are from his showroom act he does at many places around the country.

According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.

Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night’s Democratic debate.

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she’s strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.

Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.

For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn’t that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you’re average – hey, let’s get a pizza!

Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you’re not the best, so you should work a little harder.

I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, “I’d like some fries.” The girl at the counter said, “Would you like some fries with that?”

If God doesn’t destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

If you don’t want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.

Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of LA in the next election. Remember the good ‘ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.

More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy – he’s one of their own.

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they’d be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.
Politics is just show business for ugly people.

The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they’re all lining up.

The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Abercrombie & Fitch has paid Jersey Shore star Mike Sorrentino, The Situation, to not wear their brand of clothing anymore because they were afraid it might hurt sales.  Now humans beings in general are also feeling he might reflect badly on all humans should aliens from another planet land on earth.

Last Friday was National Aviation Day so all the airline pilots got together and got drunk.  They had invited the air traffic control guys to the party too but they all just fell asleep.

There was a mysterious orange goo that showed up on the shoreline of a village in Alaska.  Turns out it was just residue of the make-up that John Boehner wears.

Burger King has dethroned their king as their mascot because they want to promote a healthy image.  At the same time McDonald’s is considering a new slogan, “Our mascot is a clown and we still kick Burger King’s ass.”

Starbucks is no longer going to let customers use their Internet service a whole day and just buy one cup of coffee.  They say if this is successful they may be able to lower their prices to only 4 times what they should be charging.

The man who saved a 6 year-old girl from a child abductor says he’s an illegal immigrant.  Now Congress is jumping on the band wagon with a new immigration policy – Save a life, get amnesty.

Bill Clinton celebrated his 65^th birthday.  He had a great time a in a relaxing hotel with a wonderful celebration and afterward he even took a call from Hillary wishing him a happy birthday.

The Georgetown University basketball team had a goodwill basketball tour in China that coincided with Joe Biden visiting China.  The Chinese team started a big fight and they couldn’t even finish the game.  It turns out they were pissed at the Americans for bringing Joe Biden into the country.

There was a shortage of drugs reported by drug companies and suddenly the world became brighter to so many people.  (Not a joke so much as a social commentary.)

Bill Clinton became a vegan but this is somewhat hypocritical of him because he is still very thankful that Monica Lewinsky was not a vegan back when he was President.

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It’s time for another version of It could Be Worse where we take a humorous look at how things could always be much worse than they seem to be at the moment.

It could be worse:

1)      You could be heavily invested in the stock market….or at least used to be heavily invested.

2)      Right after you switched to Verizon from AT&T because of bad service Verizon employees went out on strike and your bad service continued…uninterrupted.

3)      You could be a lab rat, which not only means you are a rat but they also do experiments on you.

4)      You could be a regular ceiling in a house and know that you can never be raised any higher than you are right now, unlike if you were a debt ceiling.

5)      You could be Bert and Ernie, who after an online petition to have you wed, decide to just continue being Muppets with benefits.

6)      You could be Alex Trebek , who tore an Achilles tendon while chasing a prostitute who robbed his hotel room and now you are the butt of every possible version of a “Jeopardy” joke about it.

7)      You could be Michele Bachman, who was quoted as saying we need a president who is a fighter, when what she really wanted to say was that we need a president with a set of balls, but she knew that wouldn’t help her get elected.

8)      You could be President Obama and make the statement, “There’s nothing wrong with our country.  There’s something wrong with our politics,” and not realize you are the head politician leading all the other crazy politicians.

9)      You could be Newt Gingrich who only beat “other” in the Iowa straw poll by less than 1% and then you celebrate your “victory” with a trip to Tiffany’s to buy something for your wife.

10)   You could be Obama trying to create new jobs and find out that even the border patrol is no longer hiring because Mexican’s no longer want to come into the country.

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

After the debt deal got done in Congress, the Democrats also wanted to strike another deal, while the mood was right, to let them start using the Republican’s bathroom.

In Louisiana, a drunk father was arrested for allegedly letting his 8 year-old son drive his pick-up truck on the Interstate while he slept.  He defended his action by saying, “What’s the big deal?  When I was his age I’d drive my daddy’s truck while having sex with my cousin.”

After the debt deal last week the only thing dropping faster than the stock market was Obama’s approval rating.

A Dunkin Donuts employee in New Jersey was arrested for prostitution.  It was all the result of a misunderstanding.  When her manager told her to go out there and sell some donut holes she just never heard the donut part.

Facebook is always changing and expanding so fast that some people just can’t keep up.  I’m afraid people are going to get confused and start poking their Farmville animals.

82% of those polled disapprove of Congress, a record low.  This means there are probably family, friends, and even the people who are bribing them that don’t approve of them.

President Obama has asked Treasury Secretary, Timothy Geithner, to stay on board.  He figures with the advice he’s gotten from that guy he deserves to go down with the ship.

Geithner still wanted to leave, though, to work in the private sector.  Then he realized there were no jobs in the private sector.

The Treasury Secretary has accused Standard & Poors of making a grave error in downgrading the US credit rating.  He said their math was off by $2 trillion in estimating the size of the deficit over the next 10 years.  Apparently, Standard & Poors doesn’t use the same “bailout math” that the Treasury Department is used to.

After Standard &  Poors’ decision to downgrade the US credit rating President Obama said that the US will always be a AAA nation.  The Automobile Association was very grateful for the endorsement.

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Here are some funny observations after keeping a watchful eye on current events this week:

The Post office might be closing 3,653 locations but the good news is we won’t see a drop off in service because it already sucks.

According to a poll less than half of Americans know that Mitt Romney is a Mormon.  Also, less than half know that President Obama was actually not born in the United States.

In another new survey, 40% of Internet users feel lonely when they are unable to get online.  They are forced to use their imaginations to figure out an alternate way to waste time.

In yet another poll, 46% of Americans think that most members of Congress are corrupt.  The other  54% thought corrupt was far too nice of a word.

Hugh Hefner’s former fiance said that she and Hef only had sex once.  Now we know, after that  that “brief interlude”, why she broke It up.

If the government had gone into default they would have been changing the name of Captain America to Private America.

I saw an advertisement this week that said that  the King Kong exhibit at Universal Studios was the world’s largest 3D experience.  I thought the world was the world’s largest 3D experience.

Only  17% of Americans believe that the country is headed in the right direction.  These are the same people that jog backwards.

In San Francisco a bill banning circumcision was “cut off” the ballot.

In Georgia, a 35 year-old Language Arts teacher was arrested for having sex with a 14 year-old male student.  Upon her arrest she said, “What? I thought the language of love was part of the curriculum.”

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I had posted some or all of these jokes at some time or another previously but Steven Wright is a very funny guy when you are looking for a fast laugh, so it is worth another round:

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge… you can’t hear him talk.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

How young can you die of old age?

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn’t know what to add to it.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I got this powdered water – now I don’t know what to add.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.

I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.

I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.

I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious!

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Researchers in Japan have discovered a species of snail that migrates by letting itself be eaten by a bird and then flown somewhere and defecated out.  So their traveling experience is not that much different from when humans fly on many airlines today.

Charlie Sheen has a new series, Anger Management.  So this could be a reality program.

Donald Trump has a new grandchild.  The good news is so far the kid is mostly bald.  The family is hoping the bad hair gene will skip at least two generations.

Rick Perry and Michelle Bachman both said God was calling on them to run for President.   Unfortunately, for Newt Gingrich only bill collectors are calling him.

There is a 22 year-old woman who has a nipple on the bottom of her foot.  She gives a whole new meaning to the idea of “going out for a stimulating walk.”

Researchers aren’t sure if the nipple is on the bottom of her foot or if her breasts just really sag a lot.

A TSA officer was indicted on thefts of stealing 4 expensive watches, a $1,000 prepaid credit card and the virginity of 3 young women going through security to board a plane.

After yet another Ethics probe (Isn’t part of the problem too much probing?) of a congressman having an unwanted sexual encounter with a teen-aged daughter of a campaign donor, there was a rumor of a congressman who didn’t engage in extra-marital sex of any kind.  It turned out to be a hoax.

The findings of a new study show that your personality can trigger weight gain.  That is especially true if you feed your personality on a steady diet of McDonald’s food.

The producers of Dancing With the Stars have orders to find more high profile guest so if you are the second cousin of the aunt of a close friend of Brittany Spears your chances of getting on the show have just greatly diminished.

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