Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:
A new study says that working fewer hours can slow global warming. So you know what that means? President Obama’s economic policy is also his climate change policy. –Jay Leno
This is kind of disturbing. The Justice Department has concluded that the president can order drone strikes on American citizens. And today, Rush Limbaugh came out in favor of Obamacare. –Jay Leno
The U.S. Postal Service announced they are ending Saturday delivery of the mail. Now if you have a problem and you want to complain, you can email them at USPS.com. –Jay Leno
Some Democrats in Congress are now trying to change the marijuana laws, making it legal so it can be taxed and increase revenue. Is that what the government’s come down to now? We’re selling drugs to pay off our debts? When did Uncle Sam become Scarface? –Jay Leno
Next year’s Super Bowl is already in the news. It takes place in New Jersey. The NFL says it wants to prevent another blackout. This one involves keeping Chris Christie away from his microwave. –Conan O’Brien
Beyonce’s publicist is busy trying to get seven unflattering photos of Beyoncé removed from the Internet. The publicist is described by friends as hard working and new to the Internet. –Conan O’Brien
A member of Congress is criticizing Steven Spielberg after he discovered parts of the movie “Lincoln” are historically inaccurate — particularly the scene where Lincoln dies in the mouth of a great white shark. –Conan O’Brien
After the Super Bowl game, the winning team, the Baltimore Ravens, lost the trophy. But that’s not the only thing. The 49ers lost the trophy in the first quarter. –David Letterman
You know, something similar happened to golfer Tiger Woods. He lost a trophy wife. –David Letterman
In New York City this week, it’s Fashion Week. Remember, during Fashion Week, please, whatever you do, do not feed the supermodels. –David Letterman
In the last two months Fox News has fired Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, and Dick Morris, well-known political pundit. Well, great. Two more jobs lost under Obama. –David Letterman
It is a great day for fans of Monopoly — the game that introduced generations of kids to the concept of mortgage debt. –Craig Ferguson
Today Monopoly added a new game piece: the cat. The new piece was chosen after weeks of online voting. Is that a surprise? Whenever there’s a vote for something on the Internet, the cat always wins. –Craig Ferguson
To make room for a cat, Monopoly’s dropping one of the old game pieces. So the iron is going away. Take it from me. You should never put a cat and an iron together. No matter how wrinkly the cat is. –Craig Ferguson
You know what I never understood? — why they sell Ouija boards in the “board game” section. I don’t think that is really a game, is it? Nothing says “family fun” like communicating with the dead. –Craig Ferguson
A major announcement from the makers of Monopoly today. They’re retiring their least-popular game piece — the iron. It will not be a part of the game from now on. They have to keep updating these poor games to keep them fresh. Candy Land just changed its name to Fresh Organic Vegetable Land. –Jimmy Kimmel
Monopoly let people in 120 countries vote through Facebook. The choices for a new game piece were a diamond ring, a little robot, helicopter, guitar, and the winner which was a cat. This goes to show you if you let the Internet decide, it will always choose cats. –Jimmy Kimmel
I hope this doesn’t cause a problem with the little Scottie dog. I can’t have animals chasing each other on my board. –Jimmy Kimmel
Now what do you do with the Monopoly iron? There are still ways to enjoy it. You can use it as a paperweight for Post-it notes. –Jimmy Kimmel
PETA is criticizing Beyoncé for the leather costume she wore during the Super Bowl halftime show. Or as the ball that got thrown and kicked for three solid hours put it, “Yeah, THAT’S the leather you should be worried about.” –Jimmy Fallon
It was just revealed that the Federal Reserve was hacked on Sunday. It’s pretty serious. In fact, they say the hackers could’ve made off with as much as negative $14 trillion. –Jimmy Fallon
After thousands of people voted on Facebook, Monopoly is replacing its iron game piece with a cat. And if that surprises you, remember — these are the people who had enough free time to vote on a new Monopoly game piece. –Jimmy Fallon
North Korean leader Kim Jong Un recently got a smart phone. And you can tell it’s a smart phone because today it left North Korea. –Jimmy Fallon
People are still trying to figure out why the power went out Sunday at the Super Bowl. Today they found out the reason. Turns out China cut off the electricity for nonpayment of our bill. –Jay Leno
CBS is now facing a possible fine because Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco was overheard dropping the F-bomb on the air. CBS is arguing they could not have foreseen this happening — you know, someone on the Ravens breaking the law who isn’t Ray Lewis. –Jay Leno
In Great Britain the bones of King Richard III, who was killed in 1485, have been discovered under a parking lot. And you know how he died? Fighting over a parking space. –Jay Leno
According to a new traffic study, it takes longer to get to work in Washington, D.C., than any other city in the country. On the other hand, they don’t do any work once they get there, so it’s pretty much a wash. –Jay Leno
What a kooky Super Bowl it was. Strange stories keep coming out. During the Ravens’ celebration, it was revealed the Super Bowl trophy went missing. Coach John Harbaugh called his mother and said, “Make Jim give it back. Make him give it back now!” –Conan O’Brien
After the game, Super Bowl quarterback Joe Flacco announced his wife’s pregnant. In response, Dan Marino said, “I can explain.” –Conan O’Brien
A Justice Department memo claims that President Obama has the right to order the assassination of an American anywhere in the world. Isn’t that crazy? In a related story, Donald Trump has gone into hiding. –Conan O’Brien
Scientists have found the remains of England’s King Richard III under a parking lot. Unfortunately, they couldn’t find his ticket. So he’ll be charged the day rate. –Conan O’Brien
They had the Super Bowl blackout and now we’re learning that they also lost the Super Bowl trophy. The Lombardi Trophy — they give you that giant silver football, and now it’s missing. So that explains the blackout. It was a heist! –David Letterman
You don’t know you’re old until you try to participate in current culture. I’ll give you an example. I’m watching the Super Bowl and the lights go out. Out of force of habit in my own home I try to clap them back on. –David Letterman
The power went out for 35 minutes in the Superdome. It was the most highly viewed power outage since Obama’s first debate with Romney. –David Letterman
The Canadians got rid of their penny today. There are no more one-cent coins in Canada. So now if you’re in Canada, and say to someone “a penny for your thoughts,” that is now illegal. They will put you in jail. –Craig Ferguson
Canadians have a one-dollar coin. They call it the loonie. Here in America, the loonie is what we call Mel Gibson. –Craig Ferguson
Remember the expression, “Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you’ll have good luck?” Well, what are they supposed to do in Canada now? Without the penny, everyone in Canada is now doomed to a luck-free life of clean air, civilized social discourse, and free health insurance. –Craig Ferguson
A French tattoo artist met a young lady and less than 24 hours after they met, she allowed him to tattoo his name on her face. That means she either really loves him or really hates her parents. –Jimmy Kimmel
They say they’re planning to get married. Once you get a name tattooed on your face, you might as well give it a shot. –Jimmy Kimmel
On the bright side, if the marriage doesn’t work out . . . Well, actually there is no bright side, so good luck. –Jimmy Kimmel
The White House is warning North Korea that it will face significant consequences if it moves forward with a new round of nuclear tests. Not only that — it’s also warning South Korea that it will face serious consequences if Psy makes another ad for pistachios. –Jimmy Fallon
Pakistan is opening an amusement park and a zoo in the same town where the raid on Osama Bin Laden took place. The zoo is pretty cool, but I’ve heard you won’t be able to see the seals until it’s too late. –Jimmy Fallon
The Department of Justice is trying to block Anheuser-Busch from buying Corona. So they did what everyone else does — got their older brother to buy it for them. –Jimmy Fallon
darnfunnyonline.com
