Here are some jokes by Conan O’Brien about Hillary Clinton from over the past few years:
Earlier today, President Barack Obama, Vice President Joe Biden and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton all appeared together at a press conference. They were all there. It’s cool. There was an awkward moment when both men realized they were wearing the same suit as Hillary.
According to the Wall Street Journal, this is interesting, many of the people Barack Obama has appointed to his cabinet are excellent basketball players. Except for Hillary Clinton, who prefers lacrosse or field hockey.
Hillary Clinton has reportedly accepted Barack Obama’s offer to become secretary of state. That’s what they’re saying in the New York Times. Yeah, according to Bill Clinton, this is the first time in 20 years that Hillary has said ‘yes.’
Today, Bill Clinton said, if it will help Hillary become secretary of state, he’d be willing to release his financial records. Yeah. Yeah, meanwhile, Hillary said, if it will help her get the job, she’ll release Bill’s testicles. They’ve been in the jar so long.
Henry Kissinger’s in the news. Henry Kissinger says if Barack Obama picks Hillary Clinton to be his secretary of state, it will be a sign of great courage on his part. Yeah, then Kissinger said, ‘Seriously, Barack, protect your nuts. She’s crazy.’
Speaking of Bill Clinton, big event yesterday in New York. Barack Obama had lunch with the former president. Yeah, afterwards, Clinton said, ‘It’s the first time the two of us have had a chance to sit down together and really bitch about Hillary.’
This is one of those sweet stories, a woman in Illinois has discovered that her Jeep Cherokee used to be owned by Barack Obama. Yeah. You can tell the Jeep is Obama’s because Hillary Clinton keeps trying to get in the driver’s seat.
Earlier tonight, Hillary Clinton gave a big speech at the Democratic Convention in support of Barack Obama. Experts say it was the longest speech ever delivered entirely through clenched teeth.
Tomorrow night at the Democratic Convention to show her support for Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton is going to give a speech. Everyone’s waiting to hear what she says, yeah. Hillary’s speech is entitled, ‘Forget All Those Things I Said During The Primaries.
Hillary Clinton still campaigning hard. In a speech this weekend that she just gave, Hillary Clinton said that John McCain “couldn’t be more out of touch.” Yeah, then Hillary said, “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to win the Democratic nomination.”
This weekend, Bill Clinton said Hillary should not drop out of the presidential race. Yeah, when asked why, Bill said, “Because then she’d come home.”
Hillary Clinton says she isn’t dropping out because there are still six states that haven’t had their Democratic primary. That’s right. Barack Obama’s favored in the states of Oregon, Montana and South Dakota, and Hillary is favored in the state of denial.
Hillary Clinton says she’s willing to debate Barack Obama. This is what she said: anytime, anywhere, and would even meet him in the back of a truck. Yeah, which is surprising, because the “anytime, anywhere, even in back of a truck” offer is usually made by Bill Clinton.
Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had a private talk. Did you hear about this? They had a private discussion. They agreed to stop attacking each other so harshly. Hillary told Barack, “We should pretend to like each other, just like Bill and I do.”
Yesterday on the campaign trail … Senator Hillary Clinton was extremely critical of NAFTA, even though the program was implemented by Bill Clinton. When asked about it, Hillary said, “It’s not just NAFTA. I’m also opposed to my husband’s views on MILFs.”
Hillary has a big lead in the Democratic race for president. Political insiders are speculating that if Hillary Clinton wins the nomination, she may choose a Hispanic running mate. When he heard about this, Bill Clinton yelled, “How about Salma Hayek?”
A new novelty item is now being sold. Get this, it’s a Hillary Clinton nutcracker that cracks nuts between its legs. Yeah, Hillary calls the nutcracker silly, and Bill Clinton calls it chillingly lifelike.”
Bill Clinton is out there promoting his new book. … In an interview, former President Bill Clinton says that most people don’t know Hillary has the world’s best laugh. Bill added, ” get to hear it every time she pushes me down the stairs.”
The Washington Post reports that Senator Hillary Clinton is trying to win the Democratic nomination by reaching out to women. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “Oh sure, when she does it, it’s okay.”
The first Democratic presidential debate was held earlier tonight. … Big event. It featured Senator Hillary Clinton facing off against seven men. Or, as Bill Clinton calls it, the worst porn movie plot ever.
Hillary Clinton says if she is elected president, she will use Bill Clinton as an ambassador because “she can’t think of a better cheerleader for America.” To which Bill Clinton said, “I can think of 20 and I have their phone numbers.”
The latest political rumor is that if Hillary Clinton wins the presidency, she will be replaced in the Senate by her husband, Bill Clinton. When asked about it, Bill Clinton said, “I dream of replacing Hillary every day.”
Political experts are now saying that to win the presidency in 2008 a candidate has to get hot at the right time. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “Hillary’s doomed.”
This week at a fashion show in Rome, a line of dresses were introduced that feature huge pictures of Hillary Clinton’s face. When he heard this, Bill Clinton said, “Finally, Hillary’s face on another woman’s body.”
Yesterday, on a campaign trip, Hillary Clinton suggested that she knows how to deal with evil and bad men, like Osama bin Laden, because she had to put up with her husband. Which explains why Hillary wants to look for bin Laden at the nearest Hooters.
Chelsea Clinton tried to help her mother attract the gay vote in Pennsylvania by visiting several lesbian bars. That’s true, yeah. Yeah, when asked to comment afterwards, Chelsea said, “I’ve never seen so many women with my mom’s haircut.”
Senator Hillary Clinton was asked about President Bush and she said, “I’m not going to believe this president again.” Yeah, Hillary said, to be fair, I stopped believing presidents ten years ago. Apparently she had a bad experience.
Big, big win for the Democrats. Senator Hillary Clinton’s overwhelming victory has fueled speculation that she will run for president in 2008. In other words, there was some good news for Republicans.
According to a new survey, Hillary Clinton’s popularity rating is down to its lowest point in over a year. When Bill Clinton heard this, he said, “If there’s one thing Hillary can do, it’s bring polls down.”
Senator Hillary Clinton hired a former adviser to President Clinton. Apparently she’s taking his advice because today she hit on three waitresses.
Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Senator Hillary Clinton running for president. Apparently, some Democrats don’t like the idea, while others hate it.
Over the weekend, Hillary Clinton visited Iraq to boost moral. Apparently it worked because former President Clinton has never been in a better mood.
Big shake-up in the Hillary Clinton campaign. This is huge. Yesterday, true story, Hillary Clinton’s top adviser abruptly left her campaign. When he heard about it, Bill Clinton said, “Wait, we can leave?”