“The countdown is now under way for what a lot of people are calling, the wedding of the year — on July 31 Chelsea Clinton is getting married. Bill and Hillary are thrilled; they say they don’t care who the groom is as long as it’s not Levi Johnston.” –Jay Leno

“According to a study by the Brookings institution, Washington D.C. has the highest concentration of smart people in the United States. Lets see; we have a mess in the Gulf, we have a dysfunctional Homeland Security, and we are $13 trillion in debt. Imagine how bad it would be if these people weren’t geniuses.” –Jay Leno

“AT&T announced today that they are working on a new app for the iPhone. This one will allow you to make calls.” –Jay Leno

“The Obamas invited Broadway stars to perform at the White House. Unfortunately, things got a little awkward when Barack told one lady how great she was in ‘Wicked,’ then realized it was just Nancy Pelosi.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Bristol Palin wants Levi Johnston to wear a camouflage vest at their wedding next month. When she heard that, Sarah Palin was like, ‘That’s fine, I wasn’t planning on aiming that high anyway.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“It’s so hot in New York City that conservatives have started the ‘Iced Tea Party.’” –David Letterman

“Apparently BP’s containment cap is leaking. When asked if the rumors are true, a BP spokesman said, ‘Aren’t there any more Mel Gibson tapes?’” –Craig Ferguson

“Dick Cheney is recovering from heart surgery in the hospital. I understand Fox sent flowers, and MSNBC sent a large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese.” –Jay Leno

“All of Mel Gibson’s troubles could have been avoided if he’d just made those calls with the iPhone 4. None of them would have gone through.” –Jay Leno

“Rumors are that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are going to film a reality show. Sarah Palin says she can’t wait to start shooting, but that’s totally unrelated.” –Craig Ferguson

“Today is a day of cautious optimism. The BP well has been capped and Lindsay Lohan is in rehab, but we’re not sure how long either one is going to hold.” –Jay Leno

“For the first time since April, oil has stopped gushing into the Gulf of Mexico. I’m not sure what engineers they used to fix it but I think we can rule out the guys who created the new iPhone 4.” –Jay Leno

“Apple will now offer a free iPhone case for all iPhone users. It’s not going to help reception, but it protects the iPhone after you throw it against the wall.” –Jay Leno

“Experts are now saying that these thousands of accidents caused by Toyotas were really driver error. The driver error was buying a Toyota.” –Jay Leno

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“There’s now a 48-hour cease-fire going on in the Middle East. Israel will stop attacking Hezbollah. But, Hezbollah will not necessarily agree to stop attacking Israel. Hey, we can’t even get Mel Gibson to stop attacking Israel.” –Jay Leno

“Mel Gibson apologized to the Jewish community for anti-Semitic remarks he made when he was drunk. Yeah, then Gibson apologized to Catholics for not being able to hold his liquor.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mr. Gibson announced today that he will be entering rehab — the Betty Ford Center for his alcoholism, and I believe the Henry Ford Center For Anti-Semitism.” –Jon Stewart

“As you may have heard, Mel Gibson was arrested in Malibu on a DUI. I don’t know what he was drinking but I think you can rule out Manischewitz.” –Jay Leno

“The sheriff said that Mel’s blood alcohol was .12. Give you an idea how high that is, half a point higher and he would officially be a Kennedy.” –Jay Leno

“They said on the news that if he is convicted he could face up to 14 days in the ‘Thunderdome.’” –Jay Leno

“Police said today that they found a bottle of tequila in Mel’s Lexus. So let’s sum up what happened here; Mel Gibson, who grew up in Australia, was drinking alcohol from Mexico in his Japanese car while yelling about the Jews in Israel. You know where he was coming from? A Thai restaurant. Welcome to America.” –Jay Leno

“Condoleezza Rice has been extremely busy this week, shuttling back and forth between Israel and Mel Gibson’s house.” –Jay Leno

“There are people already trying to capitalize on the Mel Gibson Jewish controversy. In fact a DVD of the arrest just came out. It’s called ‘Goys Gone Wild.’” –Jay Leno

“There’s some controvery about Mel Gibson’s for a DUI in Malibu. They think he may have gotten special treatment. There’s a police report that says instead of handcuffing him like they usually do, the arresting officer opened the door and asked Mel nicely to step in. I think right about now, Rodney King is going, ‘I should have been an actor!’” –Jay Leno

“Mel Gibson learned his lesson. He said it’s the last time he tries to outdrink Lindsay Lohan.” –Jay Leno

“A lot of people are mad at Mel Gibson. Yesterday on The View, Barbara Walters said because of his anti-Semitic remarks, she will never see a Mel Gibson movie again. Yeah, Walters said, as far as I’m concerned, he’s Star Jones to me” –Conan O’Brien

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“A year into Obama’s first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, “Well, technically that is change.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias ‘Barack Obama’ while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Obama is getting his mojo back. Apparently, he’s going to get this financial package. That’s right, the financial package is going through. He got healthcare. He got that nuclear weapons treaty… He’s on a roll and he’s taunting his critics. His new slogan is, ‘Change You Can Suck On.’” —Bill Maher

“Today, by the way, is our president, President Obama’s, one-year anniversary in office. I looked it up. Traditionally on the first anniversary, you give paper, so, I got him his birth certificate.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“That’s pretty amazing, Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley — all dependents.” –Jay Leno

“Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations.” –Jay Leno

“As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing.” –Jay Leno

“It’s a great day for our president, Barack Obama, who got to meet the Queen of England today. She very regally gave him a photograph of her, and he gave her an iPod! That’s quite an unusual gift from the President. Usually he gives out about $150 million.” –Craig Ferguson

“Today, President Obama announced he is using his own money to redecorate the White House. Meanwhile, he is using taxpayers’ money to redecorate the houses of A.I.G. executives.” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He’s concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that’s just in his administration.” –Jay Leno

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“Last night, President Barack Obama spoke from the Oval Office about his plan to clean up the oil spill. Did you folks get a chance to see it? Yeah. Well, I’m glad that problem’s behind us.” –David Letterman

“President Obama made a lot of promises that he can’t possibly keep. I mean, it’s like he’s campaigning again, really.” –David Letterman

“He assured the nation that the gulf will be cleaned up and restored to even greater beauty and prosperity. Well, you know what that means. He’s started drinking. That’s the only possible explanation.” –David Letterman

“And then today, the president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the gulf. And I’m thinking, good luck. They can’t even clean up their gas station restrooms.” –David Letterman”By this point, it’s not even an ‘oil spill’ anymore. Spill is a little accident that can easily be cleaned up. Calling this a ’spill’ is like calling World War II a ‘tiff.’” –Craig Ferguson

“A new poll found that Hillary Clinton is now more popular than President Obama. Hillary was like, ‘Look, I don’t pay attention to the silly polls like that — what were the numbers exactly?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right, Hillary is more popular than Barack. They’re separated by about 10 points, or roughly one billion gallons of crude oil.” –Jimmy Fallon

“You guys, ‘Top Chef D.C.’ premieres tonight on Bravo. I love that show. But since it’s in D.C., the contestants don’t actually cook; they just talk about what they’re going to cook in the future.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama told the residents of the Florida coastal area that he is with them for the long haul, or at least until 2012.” –Jay Leno

“Well, today, President Obama met with that Tony Hayward guy and a couple of other BP executives. The meeting only lasted about 20 minutes, or, in BP terms, 10,000 barrels of oil.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama also ordered a lemon-lime snow cone on the beach. A little awkward. Obama was like, ‘Forget the oil spill for a minute. Can we figure out how to fix the leaks in the bottom of these paper cone things?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Speaking of the oil spill, yesterday, BP ordered 32 oil-separating machines designed by Kevin Costner. Costner said, all along, a voice kept telling him, ‘If you build it and there’s a huge oil spill and the oil company and government have absolutely no idea whatsoever how to clean it up, they will come.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Well, President Obama said today he’s going to use the gulf disaster to immediately push a new energy bill through Congress. I got an idea. How about first using the gulf disaster to fix the gulf disaster?” –Jay Leno

“Well, during the testimony, the president of BP said the underwater cleanup is pretty effective. And when he was done, Congress gave him a standing ovation. Well, sure, they’ve never seen anybody who could lie better than they can.” –Jay Leno

“You know something, if the oil industry could suck up oil the way they suck up to Congress, the gulf would have been cleaned up a month ago.” –Jay Leno

“Hey, have you been following what’s been going on in the South Carolina Democratic primary for the Senate? This is very bizarre. A man named Alvin Greene has won the Democratic primary. But he didn’t go to any campaign events, spent no money, gave no speeches, was kicked out of the Army, he’s unemployed, he lives with his mother, and he’s facing felony charges for showing lewd photos to students. I know. Sounds like a senator to me.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama is now in the Gulf of Mexico. This is his fourth visit since the spill. So the president has been down there four times. And the head of BP is saying, ‘Well see, it hasn’t affected tourism.’” –David Letterman

“The Backstreet Boys are boycotting BP. I think I’ll wait and see what the New Kids on the Block are doing.” –David Letterman

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“Now, according to The Wall Street Journal, a new study says a parent should not be alarmed if their child tells a lie. They say it’s a natural part of development and there are three phases — adolescent lying, young adult lying, and of course, oil executive lying. That is the biggest.” –Jay Leno

“BP, Transocean and Halliburton are blaming each other for the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. They are all right.” –Jay Leno

“These people make Goldman Sachs look responsible, don’t they?” –Jay Leno

“BP is going to try to stop the leak by pushing garbage into it. Oh, yeah, they haven’t screwed up the gulf enough, let’s fill it with garbage, too.” –Jay Leno

“Police in Cairo have detained an American man who arrived on a flight from JFK with two handguns, 250 bullets, swords, daggers and knives in his luggage. When they heard this, JFK screeners were like, ‘Sure he had all these things, but here’s what he didn’t have — bottled water or nail clippers.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Prison inmates in Louisiana are now pitching in to clean up the Gulf Coast oil spill. At this point, the solutions have been dump chemicals in the ocean, shoot a bunch of garbage under water and release prisoners. If none of that works, they’re going to have Al Qaeda come take a look at it.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Hey, here’s some good news. The price of oil has dropped by $12 a barrel. I mean, why buy it when you can just scoop it out of the water, huh?” –Jay Leno

“Oh, speaking of that. If anybody needs a 100-ton concrete containment dome, there’s one on eBay for 75 bucks.” –Jay Leno

“Actually, you know, that stupid idea about using a giant concrete dome and putting it over the leak, well, that didn’t work. In fact, experts are calling this the worst use of a concrete dome since they built that stadium for the Detroit Lions.” –Jay Leno

“Congress told BP they can’t label this catastrophic failure as an unpredictable and unforeseeable occurrence. See, Congress used that excuse for not catching the financial meltdown, so now they have to come up with their own excuse.” –Jay Leno

“Greece is a relatively small country. It would be like a state over here. But it overspends, it over borrows, it promises expensive pension plans, it over-taxes, it over-regulates business. So, the state it would be here would be California.” –Jay Leno

“Well, in announcing this Elena Kagan as his nominee for the Supreme Court, President Barack Obama characterized Kagan as a ‘trailblazing leader.’ The other Democrats said she was a wise choice because she had no paper trail.” –Jay Leno

“Let me tell you about ‘The Late Show.’ It’s like a car bomb and an oil spill all in one.” –David Letterman

“Last weekend, President Obama gave an impassioned speech against technology. And then he had to stop when the teleprompter broke.” –Craig Ferguson

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“So, the Phoenix Suns are wearing jerseys written in Spanish, made in China, modeled after their best player, Canadian Steve Nash. There you go. That is America.” –Jay Leno

“I don’t understand the United Nations. They have selected Iran to sit on the U.N.’s women’s rights panel. Iran! Also on the panel — Ben Roethlisberger, Chris Brown, Phil Spector, Robert Blake and committee chairman O.J. Simpson.” –Jay Leno

“You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I’m telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.” –David Letterman

“Authorities say Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bombing suspect, used the wrong kind of fertilizer, which is what happens when you don’t watch Martha Stewart.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“It was reported that Shahzad went to terrorist camp in Pakistan. Honestly, who are these parents that are sending their kids to terrorist camp?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias ‘Barack Obama’ while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new survey found that 12 percent of parents punish their kids by banning social networking sites. The other 88 percent punish their kids by joining social networking sites.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Well, the amazing part, they arrested this guy. He was already on the plane. It was taxiing down the runway. They called the plane back. And they’re calling it great work by Homeland Security, and I guess it is. I mean, that’s one way to look at it. I mean, how about the fact that a Pakistani guy who bought a one-way ticket to the Middle East, reeking of fertilizer, made it through security and got on the plane. How did that happen?” –Jay Leno

“You know who’s really happy they took him off the plane? The guy sitting next to him. Smelling manure for 14 hours?” –Jay Leno

“Anyway, police raided this guy’s house. I guess it’s in Bridgeport, Conn. Some of the neighbors say the suspect told them he worked on Wall Street, so they were relieved to find out he was just a terrorist.” –Jay Leno

“The real hero in this story was the T-shirt vendor who told the policeman about the smoke coming from the SUV in Times Square. And for some reason, New York Mayor Bloomberg took the policeman to dinner but not the T-shirt vendor. Hey, you see the T-shirt he’s selling today? It says: ‘I saw the smoking SUV first. All I got was this lousy T-shirt.’” –Jay Leno

“And I tell you, this Faisal guy, not the brightest terrorist. Did you see his bomb? Three bottles of Diet Coke and some Mentos. You know, that’s not going to do a lot.” –Jay Leno

“On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices.” –Jay Leno

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“Arizona has passed the strictest immigration bill in American history. A hundred people have been stopped already — and that was just in one van.” –Jay Leno

“Congress has voted against giving itself a pay raise. They thought giving themselves a pay raise now would be unpopular. I think giving them any pay at all right now is unpopular.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama’s National Security Adviser James L. Jones apologized for telling an ethnic joke at a speech. Political insiders were shocked — someone said something stupid and inappropriate and it wasn’t Joe Biden?” –Jay Leno

“George W. Bush’s memoir is coming out in November. It’s called ‘Decision Points’ and it’s about big decisions in his life. I’ve already made a decision not to read it.” –David Letterman

“Bush is working very hard on the book, making revisions. In fact, his computer screen is covered with White-Out.” –David Letterman

“They asked him if he used a ghostwriter and he said, ‘No, the guy’s still alive.’” –David Letterman

“How many people are here just because you’re hiding from the Arizona police?” –David Letterman

“Gov. Rick Perry of Texas shot a coyote while he was jogging. Who carries a gun while jogging? I can barely manage my iPod.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“During a Goldman Sachs hearing yesterday, Sen. Carl Levin used the S-word 11 times on live television when quoting an e-mail. Which begs the question — if a guy swears on C-SPAN and there’s no one watching to hear it, does he really make a sound?” –Jimmy Fallon

“Rolls-Royce is offering the Pentagon a special deal on engines for the Joint Strike Fighter jet. Not to be outdone, Toyota is offering a special deal on engines for kamikaze pilots.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The famous scientist Stephen Hawking says in a new documentary not only does he believe aliens exist, he believes we should not make contact with aliens because they could be very angry beings, especially aliens from Arizona.” –Jay Leno

“As you know, Arizona recently passed the toughest anti-immigration bill in American history. The idea behind this bill is to drive illegal immigrants out of Arizona and back to their homeland of Los Angeles.” –Jay Leno

“This new law is pretty strict. You can’t use the slogan ‘what can brown do for you?’ anymore. Can’t even use that.” –Jay Leno

“The top executive of Goldman Sachs testified before Congress today, which proves crooks always return to the scene of the crime.” –Jay Leno

“So today you had lawyers, congressmen and bankers in the same room. That’s like the trifecta of lying.” –Jay Leno

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“Well, the government said today Somali pirates being held in U.S. custody will be brought to the United States for prosecution, and they will be tried by a jury of their peers. So I’m guessing that’s what, Goldman Sachs?” –Jay Leno

“A new study shows that fewer and fewer immigrants are sending money they earn here back home. They’d like to, but there’s no one left at home. They all live here now. They just send it across the street.” –Jay Leno

“This is rather disturbing. A government panel made up of all retired military personnel says that the school lunches are a threat to our national security because they make our kids too fat to serve the country. It’s unbelievable. Remember the old days, when the Army wanted the best and the brightest? Now they’re stuck with the biggest and the widest.” –Jay Leno

“Here’s something great. General Motors today paid back all the government loans five years ahead of schedule. Amazing what hard work, careful planning and Toyotas rolling over and crashing into trees can do for you.” –Jay Leno

“And unemployment here in California, over 12 percent now. Give you an idea how bad it is, you know the best way to make money in California now? Marrying and divorcing Larry King.” –Jay Leno

“For those of you visiting from Iceland, happy Ash Wednesday.” –Jay Leno

“The British government sent a warship to France to bring home stranded Britons. There was an embarrassing moment — when the ship pulled up to the port, the French immediately surrendered.” –Jay Leno

“The volcano was spewing out so much ash that now, the Catholic Church is saying it couldn’t even see what it was doing wrong.” –Jay Leno

“Because of the volcano, the airlines lost $2 billion. Usually, all they lose is my luggage.” –David Letterman

“The giant cloud of ash over Amsterdam is so bad that you can’t even see the giant cloud of hashish.” –Jay Leno

“According to a top Iranian cleric, earthquakes and volcanoes are caused by women wearing immodest clothing. Or as most guys would call it: a fair trade-off.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama and some prominent Democrats proposed a solution to the erupting volcano — they want to pour money into it.” –Jay Leno

“A town in Tennessee elected a dead man as its mayor. Finally, a politician who won’t cheat on his wife.”  –Jimmy Fallon

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“Next week, the president of China will be at the White House. And good news — he has no plans to foreclose.” –Jay Leno

“Well, give you an idea how important this visit is from the Chinese president, I understand Joe Biden is busy learning some Chinese curse words.” –Jay Leno

“And in a major reversal of U.S. policy, President Obama has narrowed the conditions under which we would use nuclear weapons. He said we’d only use them against Iran, North Korea or Fox News.” –Jay Leno

“The government says the economy is bouncing back. So now we can go back to making cars nobody wants. That will be good.” –David Letterman

“And they’ve been talking about the iPad for months, maybe years. I’m telling you, it took longer for the iPad to come out than it did Ricky Martin.” –David Letterman

“Experts believe the iPad will revolutionize the way people procrastinate.” –David Letterman

“Tiger Woods will play his first golf tournament in five months, and his first tournament in six years without lipstick on his lucky underwear.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Sunday was the big White House Easter egg hunt. Of course, the Catholic priests didn’t have time to hide eggs, they were too busy hiding each other.” –Jay Leno

“As you know, the Roman Catholic Church continues to be rocked by this sex abuse crisis. In fact, they’re thinking of changing their name to the Roman Polanski Catholic Church.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama has come out with a new policy for using nuclear weapons. In a related story, Joe Biden said he would try not to drop the F-bomb so often.” –Jay Leno

“The iPad has only been out for a few days and it has revolutionized the publishing industry. You can download books, you can read them and store them, and for religious fundamentalists, there’s a new app that lets you burn them.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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“Well, earlier today, President Obama canceled the annual White House Easter Egg Hunt. Instead, the kids are going to be on the lawn of the White House drilling for oil.” –Jay Leno

“Well, here’s some good news for us. Iran’s top nuclear scientist has defected to the CIA and is now here in the United States. He’s now on our side. And he had some frightening information. He said Iran was just weeks away from developing their very own Toyota Prius.” –Jay Leno

“Hey, you guys, baseball season starts next week. And President Obama is going to throw out the first pitch at the Nationals game. Meanwhile, Joe Biden will be on hand to make the first error.” -Jimmy Fallon

“Do you know in Switzerland, in Geneva, scientists are celebrating? They have a multimillion-dollar atom-smasher that has given us new information on how the universe began. Couldn’t these scientists save some money and just ask Larry King?” –Craig Ferguson

“During a fundraising trip to California, some young Republicans took the Republican Party credit card to a club in Hollywood that has nude dancers doing bondage shows. Usually when Republicans find themselves in dark rooms with whips and chains, it’s in Dick Cheney’s basement. ” –Craig Ferguson

“It must be very embarrassing for the people involved. I’m sure the strippers didn’t want anyone to know they were hanging out with politicians.” –Craig Ferguson

“On the ‘Today’ show this morning, President Obama said that adjustments will need to be made to the new healthcare law. In fact, it’s getting so many adjustments, Obama’s now calling it the Heidi Montag of congressional bills.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan this past weekend. I guess after the last 14 months in Washington, he wanted to go someplace where there was less fighting.” –Jay Leno

“Pretty quick trip. In fact, it happened so fast, Joe Biden didn’t even have a chance to say something stupid about it.” –Jay Leno

“And, as you know, the people have spoken, but health care passed anyway.” –Jay Leno

“Osama bin Laden has released a new audiotape in which he threatens to kill Americans. You know, as opposed to his earlier, new-age motivational tape.” –Jay Leno

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