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Here are the best jokes from this week from the late night comedians… I, for one, am very glad Jay Leno is back:

“Gay marriage now legal in Washington, D.C. How about that? So, if you’re a congressman, in bed with a lobbyist, if you like it, you better put a ring on it.” –Jay Leno

“Well, in his new book, Karl Rove said that the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq badly damaged the Bush administration’s credibility. It’s all in his new book here, it’s called ‘Duh.’” –Jay Leno

“Representative Charles Rangel, the chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, has temporarily surrendered his post pending an ethics investigation. They’ve been investigating him for three months now. And so far, they have not found a single trace of ethics.” –Jay Leno

“Hey, did you hear about this story today? This is pretty wild. The FAA is investigating why a child was allowed to direct air traffic at John F. Kennedy airport. You know this story? … Authorities say they got suspicious when five of the planes landed at a Toys ‘R’ Us parking lot.” –Jay Leno

“Imagine that, children directing air traffic. Today, the Chinese said: ‘Why didn’t we think of that? Sure, get more kids working. Why not?’” –Jay Leno

“Of course, the pilots were stunned. One of them said, ‘Am I still drunk, or is that a kid’s voice?’” –Jay Leno

“Karl Rove’s new memoir, ‘Courage and Consequence,’ is coming out next week. Not sure if ‘Courage and Consequence’ is how most people would describe the Bush years, but I guess it does sound better than ‘Oopsies.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“New Yorkers are desperate. They’re trying to get Paterson to leave early, and I said to myself, ‘That sounds like a job for Jay Leno.’” –David Letterman

“I love the biathlon. That’s the sport that involves skiing and shooting the rifle. Or as Sarah Palin and her husband, Todd, call it, ‘date night.’” –Jay Leno

“President Obama had his first physical exam as president over the weekend. The doctor said he was in much better shape than the country.” –Jay Leno

“Interesting, when the doctor told him to turn his head and cough, he turned to the left.” –Jay Leno

“Let Canada have hockey. If they beat us in obesity, then I’ll start to worry.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Buzz Aldrin will be on ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ He may be the only man to have walked on the moon and moonwalked in the same lifetime.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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Here are the best jokes from this week from the late night comedians.

“It’s a great day for former Vice President Dick Cheney, who was released from the hospital today. He’s doing well. Doctors say he’ll be up and shooting lawyers in no time.” –Craig Ferguson

“About a third of the members of Congress are on Twitter. Now we know why nothing is getting done.” –Craig Ferguson

“There’s a new member of Twitter: the Dalai Lama. I think he just did it to make China mad. Everything he does annoys China, it’s like he’s Ellen DeGeneres and China is Simon Cowell.” –Craig Ferguson

“I disagreed with Cheney about a lot of things, but when he shot that lawyer in the face — you took my heart, Dick.” –Craig Ferguson

“Former Vice President Dick Cheney was released from the hospital today after being treated for a mild heart attack, his fifth heart attack. Next one’s free.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“More than 100,000 free condoms have been distributed in the Olympic Village…Because if there’s one thing we don’t want, it’s the best athletes in the world getting together and producing more.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“It was a fun day for the head of Toyota U.S.A. today. He had to appear in front of Congress to be yelled at by men who don’t do anything.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I have to say, it was actually refreshing to see a car company C.E.O. appear before Congress and not ask for $10 billion.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“But starting today, the credit card companies have to scale back their evil ways. They can’t raise or increase rates whenever they want. That’s great news, because Americans owe $874 billion to credit card companies. To be fair, most of that is Mel Gibson’s bar tab.” –Craig Ferguson

“I don’t keep many credit cards because I’m worried someone might steal my identity. Yeah, right. Like anyone would want my identity. After two days, they’d beg me to take it back.” –Craig Ferguson

“Dick Cheney loves snowboarding. He thinks it’s waterboarding, but colder.” –David Letterman

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As we get closer to the dreaded income tax season I thought this might be a good time for some tax jokes from the past few years from the late night comedians.

“65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse. The other 35% were women.” –Jay Leno

“This week, President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney released their tax returns. Cheney made more money than the president. When asked about it, the president said, ‘That’s true, but he also made more decisions.’” —Conan O’Brien

“The IRS said today anyone with a refund coming from their 2001 taxes will lose it if they don’t pick it up by April 15th. If it is more then three years they will just keep it. How come it doesn’t work that way with back taxes?” —Jay Leno

“We ought to thank President Obama. He made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year.” —Jay Leno

“Earlier today, the White House released President Bush’s tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq.” —Conan O’Brien

“President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off.” —Jay Leno

“Technically, you’re not paying taxes. According to the Bush administration, your bank account is being liberated.” —Jay Leno

“Today the IRS gave some guidelines on how to avoid getting audited. Number one, don’t list deductions that will raise a red flag. Number two, make sure you file on time. Number three, don’t make any stupid anti-war speech at the Academy Awards.” —Jay Leno

“The IRS now says you can deduct weight loss plans off your taxes. You can write it off because the government has officially declared obesity a disease. And it’s a disease, you can deduct medical expenses. That shows what a difference an administration can make. See under Bush, obesity is a disease. Under Clinton it was just sexy.” —Jay Leno

“At last night’s debate, Democrats attacked President Bush saying his tax cuts for the rich bankrupt the middle class. And Bush said ‘Hey, thanks for the new slogan.’” —Craig Kilborn

“Yesterday the IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you’re allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents.” —Conan O’Brien

“I hate to be the one to remind you, but just pretty soon it is going to be April 15th, it is going to be tax time. You know what I am saying? Are you ready? Well you know when something like this happens New Yorkers always try to put the best face they can on a situation. For example the hookers in Times Square, for an extra $50 they will handle your extension.” —David Letterman

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians.  (I can’t wait until Leno is back on the air, he is the best in my opinion by far.)

“And like every president, President Obama is now worried about the poll numbers because they continue just to kind of whittle away and going down and down and down. So he decided to turn things around. What he’s going to do is invite himself to the White House for a beer.” –David Letterman

“There’s a bit of a scandal in men’s figure skating at the Olympics. Three skaters have tested positive for ‘fabulous.’” –David Letterman

“In curling, they get a 40 lb. granite stone and send it down the ice and then they sweep the debris from in front of it. It’s all the fun of shuffleboard, plus household chores.” –David Letterman

“Tiger Woods called a press conference for Friday morning. Only select journalists will be invited and no questions will be taken. Essentially, we’re going to listen to him read. Maybe he’ll announce a new batch of mistresses for 2010.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The Winter Olympics are under way in Canada. Skiing, snowboarding, ice-skating, these are not sports. They’re vacation activities. I feel like I’m watching someone’s home movies.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“They showed the biathlon today, a combination of cross-country skiing and shooting rifles, which is known to Sarah Palin as ‘commuting.’ ” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Today is the birthday of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il. And a lot of people want to get the guy gifts. I have a suggestion. You can’t go wrong with another pair of ladies’ sunglasses.” –David Letterman

“Bob Dylan performed at the White House last night in honor of Black History Month…Because when you think of black history, you think of a mumbling, white, Jewish guy from Minnesota.” –David Letterman

“Happy Presidents’ Day, everybody. On Presidents’ Day, we celebrate America’s presidential history by enjoying a great deal on mattresses.” –Craig Ferguson

“I think it was President Kennedy who said, ‘Ask not what you can do for your country, ask what you can do to get quality goods at discount prices.’” –Craig Ferguson

“Do you know there is a Congressional candidate from Missouri who is saying that allowing gays into the military could strengthen Al Qaeda? I’m thinking, how exactly would that work? ‘They dance better than me, and they know how to accessorize. I’m very, very angry. It’s time for jihad.’” –Craig Ferguson

“A park is opening in London with a playground for old people. It sounds great until the merry-go-round goes so fast, grandpa’s dentures fly off.” –Craig Ferguson

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians.

“The entire East Coast is covered with snow banks and snow drifts, or as Toyota drivers call them — ‘cushions.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama told White House reporters that his meeting with bipartisan congressional leaders went, quote, ‘well.’ When asked why he was being vague, he was like, ‘because.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“The East Coast is covered in snow right now. Washington, D.C., and Northern Virginia got almost 35 inches over the weekend. And may get 20 more inches tomorrow. Schools and businesses were closed. They’re building snow-bamas all over the place.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The federal government was shut down today, and they estimate it cost about $100 million in lost productivity. The House is literally stuck in the House, and they can’t do anything. I have to admit, it is nice to see lawmakers shoveling something else for a change, isn’t it?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Most congressmen are actually taking this opportunity with all the snow to spend some quality time with their mistresses.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Hey, be glad you’re not back East. Huge snowstorms. I don’t think Washington has seen a snow job like this since that last stimulus package.” –Jay Leno

“It was so cold, Nancy Pelosi  had to sit in her driveway for 10 minutes defrosting her eyeballs.” –Jay Leno

“It was so cold, Sarah Palin had to cancel a speech because she didn’t want to take her gloves off to read.” –Jay Leno

“And with all this snow, President Obama told all nonessential White House employees they didn’t have to come in. Well, actually, just Joe Biden.” –Jay Leno

“And how about the commercials for Dockers? Where the guys in their underwear were singing, ‘I’m wearing no pants.’ I thought that was a new John Edwards for president campaign.” –Jay Leno

“But this President Obama, he had an idea about how to handle it. He’s going to let the Democrats handle the snow. They’ll put it on the back burner and hope it melts.” –David Letterman

“And now critics of the automobile industry are saying that Toyota executives knew about the problems with the brakes years and years ago. And they’re wondering, rightly so, why did they drag their feet? Well, trying to stop the car. That’s what they were doing.” –David Letterman

“President Obama just held his first monthly bipartisan meeting and said that working together on jobs would be a good place to start. You know where else would have been a good place to start? A year ago.” –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are the best jokes for this week from the late night comedians.

“On Fox News, Ann Coulter said she’s against body scans at the airport because terrorists will still be able to hide explosives in their anus. So finally Ann Coulter is speaking on a topic she knows something about.” –Jay Leno

“Today, Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He’s retiring.” –Jay Leno

“After 30 years, embattled Senator Chris Dodd announced he would not seek re-election. He said he may go to work for the banking industry. Have you seen his voting record? I think he already works for the banking industry.” –Jay Leno

“Today, President Obama honored more than 80 teachers for excellence in math and science. Then he begged them to leave China and come teach here in the United States.” –Conan O’Brien

“I was reading a book about Osama bin Laden, and it was written by his son, and according to the son, in the book about his father, the kid claims Osama bin Laden was a cruel parent. Gosh, you think you know somebody. But the book is written by bin Laden’s dumb son, Osama W. bin Laden.” –David Letterman

“The weather here in California is very nice. But it’s freezing all across the United States. In fact, in D.C., the weather is so bad — this is true — they actually hired convicted criminals to shovel snow at the U.S. Capitol. Isn’t that amazing? So it’s nice to see members of Congress doing something useful for a change.” –Jay Leno

“The government investigated yet another terrorist threat today. Luckily it was just McDonald’s announcing they’re bringing back the McRib sandwich.” –Jay Leno

“A new poll asked Americans who their ideal next-door neighbor would be. The No. 1 answer was the Obama family, mainly because the Obamas are the kind of neighbors who would lend you a cup of sugar or a trillion dollars.” –Conan O’Brien

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Here are some of the very best jokes of the week from the late night comedians.

“Good news, ladies and gentlemen. Retail sales this year are up. That is fantastic news for the economy of China.” –David Letterman

“I was walking around today on my lunch hour, and I noticed that there are fewer sidewalk Santas this year. And then I remembered that President Obama sent the Salvation Army to Afghanistan. So that’s what happened.” –David Letterman

“And this is good. Democratic leaders are hoping to pass healthcare reform before Christmas. And really, what better Christmas present could Obama give the country than the gift of not having to talk about healthcare anymore?” –Jimmy Fallon

“This is pretty amazing. Computer technicians have found 22 million missing White House e-mails from the Bush administration. In a related story, the White House gardeners were digging in the backyard yesterday; they found three former Dick Cheney hunting buddies buried right there.” –Jay Leno

“They found 22 million missing White House e-mails. You hear President Bush’s excuse? He said he never bothered to ever send any of them because he couldn’t find a stamp.” –Jay Leno

“Huge protest and hundreds of climate change conference in Denmark. At one point, it got so bad the police played an Al Gore speech over the loud speaker just to sedate the crowd.” –Jay Leno

“During his speech at a Home Depot in Washington, D.C., today, President Obama said he thinks energy efficiency and retrofitting are ’sexy.’ He had to cut the speech short, however, after Al Gore showed up and tried to give him a lap dance.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Well, did you hear about this? According to TMZ, you know, Congress was supposed to award Tiger Woods the Congressional Gold Medal, our highest civilian honor, then had to withdraw it, because of the scandal, which seems odd to me. I mean, what’s it up to now? Fifteen mistresses? That sounds like something Congress would give you a medal for, doesn’t it?” –Jay Leno

“It’s interesting. During his speech, President Obama spoke about the difficulty of accepting a Peace Prize while we’re fighting two different wars. And President Bush got really upset. He said, ‘Hey, I’m the one who started both those wars, I should have won the prize.” –Jay Leno

“A South Carolina panel has voted not to impeach Republican Governor Mark Sanford. A fellow Republican, one of the panel chairmen, a guy named Tim Harrison, said, ‘We can not impeach for arrogance or hypocrisy.’ Well, of course not. There’d be no politicians left if you did that.” –Jay Leno

“Big day for President Obama. He accepted his Nobel Prize today and then got right back to the business of running two wars.” –David Letterman

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Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians for this week.

“This Tiger Woods thing has had an effect on a lot of people. In fact, earlier today, Elizabeth Edwards went out and bought a new set of golf clubs.” –Jay Leno

“And The Washington Post suggested today that this party-crashing couple may have a long history of deceiving people. Well, no wonder they fit in at the White House.” –Jay Leno

“A group has now filed papers to nominate Dick Cheney to run for president of the United States in 2012. You may have heard of the group, Halliburton.” –Jay Leno

“Everybody’s talking about President Obama’s speech last night. He’s sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Right now, in Scandinavia, the Nobel Committee is really rethinking the whole peace prize.” –Craig Ferguson

“Anyway, the good news is the first people Obama sends to Afghanistan are those White House party crashers, so it’s not all bad.” –Craig Ferguson

“As you know, Afghanistan is strategically important to the United States because they control, like, 90 percent of the world’s supply of rubble, and we need that.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Congratulations, I want to say, to former President Bill and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Their daughter, Chelsea, got engaged over the weekend. You know when you have to decide whether or not to invite the bride’s father to the bachelor party? That’s going to be a tough call.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Did you hear about that uninvited couple who crashed the state dinner at the White House? Unbelievable. They even had their picture taken with Vice President Joe Biden, which is kind of radical because Biden was also an uninvited guest.” –Jay Leno

“Kind of an awkward Thanksgiving for John Edwards. I guess his relatives asked him to bring his favorite side dish and he showed up with a cocktail waitress.” –Jay Leno

“Hey, this is absolutely true. There’s an organization now called ‘Draft Dick Cheney for President, 2012.’ Yeah. Good luck with that. They tried to draft Dick Cheney five times during Vietnam. That didn’t work.” –Jay Leno

“There’s a new children’s book that’s coming out that features Sarah Palin as a hero. I don’t want to give away the ending, but we finally find out who shot Bambi’s mother.” –Conan O’Brien

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians.

”A new study shows that the phrase most often used by President Obama is, ‘Let me be clear.’ The phrase he uses the least often? ‘Let me be specific.’” -Jay Leno

“Did you see what happened to Rush Limbaugh? Hey wanted to buy the St. Louis Rams and they wouldn’t let him. He said this was a dream he had, to some day own black people.” -Bill Maher

“The White House is calling for bailed-out executives to get a 90% pay cut. They want their pay cut 90% so it’s more in line with the job they’re doing. Here’s my question: why can’t we get this for Congress?” -Jay Leno

“Here’s the latest from the Pentagon. The generals are worried that the White House is spreading itself thin by trying to fight a war on two fronts: with Afghanistan and Fox News.” -Jay Leno

“Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University have invented a robot whose sole mission is to deliver you snacks. Got a big problem here in America. We’re getting too much exercise walking to the fridge, now?” –Jay Leno

“According to USA Today, car theft is at a 20-year low. Well, that shows you how bad the auto business is. People don’t even want to steal them now.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama announced he wants to give every senior citizen $250 next year. This is part of his ‘Cash for Geezers’ program.” –Jay Leno

“And prosecutors in New York City have filed charges against a man they claim scammed dozens of illegal immigrants by posing as an immigration lawyer. They say this guy lied to his clients, he gave them bad advice and stole their money. I don’t know, sounds like a real lawyer to me.” –Jay Leno

“And the Post Office may cancel Saturday delivery of the mail. Do you know about this? See, for young people before texting and twittering, you used to send pieces of paper to each other.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday in Louisiana, a judge denied an interracial couple a marriage license because he felt, I quote, their children would later suffer in life from being interracial. Like when they become president or win the Masters or get an Oscar.”  –Jay Leno

“This afternoon, according to a a media psychologist that was on this cable show today, it may not be John Edwards’ fault that he cheats on his wife. Not his fault. They psychologist said he may suffer from a clinical condition known as Asperger’s syndrome. Asperger’s syndrome. No, you know what he has? He has ‘ass grabber’ syndrome.” –Jay Leno

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