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(My computer was down last week so I didn’t get to post these jokes like I usually do on Friday, so here they are now.)

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel:

“Republican candidate Rick Perry is denying rumors that his top advisers are being demoted. Yep, Perry was like, ‘I want to make it clear that at no point in this campaign have I had any advisers.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“After two months, the LAPD broke up the Occupy protest outside city hall here in Los Angeles last night. Surprisingly, the police didn’t find any drugs on the premises, which means that the police are not very good at finding drugs.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Speaking of NBC, did you guys see this? Last night, Brian Williams continued with the ‘NBC Nightly News’ while a high-pitched fire alarm went off in the studio. Yeah, he kept talking over a loud screeching sound – or as that’s also known, ‘The View.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“I don’t know if you know the Occupy L.A. protesters have been evicted. They all were evicted. As of this morning, according to reports, and all that was left of their campsite was trash, empty tents and the smell of urine. Then someone pointed out that was not Occupy Los Angeles, that was Gary Busey’s house.” –Conan O’Brien

“Congress may allow Americans to start selling horse meat for human consumption. When they heard the news, McDonald’s unveiled their new breakfast offering, the Sea Biscuit biscuit.” –Conan O’Brien

“How many of you are here just because you got kicked out of Occupy L.A.? The police shut down the camp, so it’s time for the homeless people to go back to the public library where they belong. And at last the park can be returned to its rightful owners, crack salesmen.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Riot police arrested hundreds of people outside city hall, still less violent than Black Friday at every Walmart in America.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Occupy L.A. encampment is over and with it, the world’s longest hacky sack game comes to an end. Meanwhile, in New York tonight, the annual lighting of the Christmas tree. A dozen protesters are living in the tree right now. ” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Herman Cain said he’d only drop out of the race if his wife is no longer behind him. His wife said she’s always behind him, because there’s never any room under him.” –Conan O’Brien

“Three wealthy investors who are already worth millions won the $254 million Powerball jackpot.  In a related story, everyone’s head at Occupy Wall Street just exploded.” –Conan O’Brien

“With Herman Cain we’re up to he said, she said, she said, she said, she said, and she was paid not to say.” –Stephen Colbert

“President Obama will attend three fundraisers in New York City tomorrow to raise money for his re-election campaign. Seriously? How about holding a fundraiser to raise money for the United States?” –Jimmy Fallon

“I just saw this. Vice President Biden will travel to Turkey to speak at an economic summit. When he heard he was giving a speech to Turkey, Biden was like, ‘I am SO sorry about Thanksgiving.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“A woman said she had an affair with Herman Cain that lasted 13 years. I don’t know who the accuser is, but I think we can rule out Kim Kardashian.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Herman Cain is making news again. His poll numbers are down, but the number of women he’s polling is up.” –Jay Leno

“Herman Cain is now reassessing his candidacy. Apparently between his marriage, his mistresses and sexually harassing these other women, there’s no time to campaign.” –Jay Leno

“A woman in Southern California pepper sprayed her fellow customers on Black Friday at Wal-Mart so she could get an advantage while shopping. But the good news is, today she was offered a job with the UC Davis police department.” –Jay Leno

“The Christmas season has officially started. Today I saw Herman Cain wearing his mistletoe belt buckle.” –Jay Leno

“A woman claims she had a 13-year affair with Herman Cain. You know what that means? While he was fooling around with those four other women, he was cheating on his mistress.” –Jay Leno

“Well, the inside talk is that Sarah Palin is going to endorse Newt Gingrich. If you think Newt is happy, you should see Mitt Romney.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney admitted in People magazine that as a teenager he experimented with alcohol and cigarettes. He said at that age he could have gone either way…much like his political positions today.” –Jay Leno

“It’s Cyber Monday, when everyone shops online. As soon as I woke up I pepper sprayed myself.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama went shopping and he wandered into a book store. Rick Perry said, ‘When I’m president, that will never happen. There will be no book stores.’” –Conan O’Brien

“In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States.” –Craig Ferguson

“Over the weekend, President Obama took his daughters to a bookstore. Barack bought Malia ‘The Phantom Tollbooth,’ while Malia bought Barack ‘Economics for Dummies.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right, Obama bought eight books for Sasha and Malia. Yeah, I was reading all about it on China’s credit card statement.” –Jimmy Fallon

“I just heard about a woman in Germany who just gave birth to a baby boy named ‘Jihad.’ Or as the TSA put it, ‘Hope you like Amtrak!’” –Jimmy Fallon

Facebook could be going public, sparking one of the largest initial public offerings ever, which will value the company at over $100 billion. And MySpace also has some exciting news. They too are hoping to boost profits by having a bake sale this weekend which could bring in as much as $35. –Jay Leno

Authorities have discovered what they call the most sophisticated tunnel ever found underneath the U.S.-Mexican border, being built by a Mexican drug cartel. And Gov. Rick Perry asked the question we’re all asking: “Why can’t these tunnels be dug by hard-working American drug cartels?” –Jay Leno

I was in the supermarket today, and I saw some Occupy Wall Street protesters in the dairy department. They were protesting the 1 percent milk. –Jay Leno

One of the holiday decorations at the White House is a 400-pound gingerbread house. Isn’t that nice? And if front of that is a 400-pound ginger bread “foreclosed” sign. –Conan O’Brien

Los Angeles is being hit by some seriously strong winds at the moment. I’m just curious, how many people were here for “Two and a Half Men” and they got blown into this studio? –Conan O’Brien

In Utah a hunter was shot when his dog stepped on his shotgun. The dog later apologized and said, “Sorry, but you did neuter me.” –Conan O’Brien

There’s a man in Utah recovering from wounds after his dog shot him in the butt. The police think it’s because the man was wearing a Michael Vick jersey. –Craig Ferguson

It is the holiday season over at the White House. The theme for this year’s Christmas is “Shine, Give, Share.” While rumor is, the theme of next year’s White House Christmas will be “Clean, Pack, Move.” –Jimmy Fallon

Congress just lifted a ban on producing and exporting horse meat. Or as Taco Bell put it, “There was a ban on that?” –Jimmy Fallon

I heard that Facebook is in talks to launch an online gambling app next year. It’s a little weird. When you lose all your money, Facebook just repossesses your land on Farmville. –Jimmy Fallon

That’s right, Facebook is launching an online gambling app. Or you could just gamble the old-fashioned way: Get drunk and log onto Facebook. –Jimmy Fallon

High winds have been pummeling California for the last two days. It was so windy, all the women in Beverly Hills looked like Nancy Pelosi. –Jay Leno

The good news is, the unemployment rate has dropped to 8.6 percent. The bad news is, most of those require a sack, a red suit, and a beard. –Jay Leno

President Obama met with leaders of all the American Indian tribes. He promised to help tackle the challenges facing the Native American communities — like card counting. –Jay Leno

I think Herman Cain is getting a little desperate. He said if his wife forgives him, he’ll throw in free bread sticks, buffalo wings and a 2-liter of Pepsi. –Jay Leno

In a new interview, it’s revealed that Mitt Romney loves chocolate milk. While Rick Perry prefers milk like his poll numbers: 2 percent. –Jimmy Fallon

The Senate is doing its first-ever Secret Santa gift exchange this year. Yeah, there’s a $10 spending limit, but they plan to go $14 trillion over budget. –Jimmy Fallon

A police officer in Florida could lose her job after she tried to cast a spell on her boss. Yeah, when asked for comment, her boss was like, “Ribbit.” –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that Gmail users have the best credit, while people with Yahoo and Hotmail accounts have the worst credit. Or as people with AOL put it, “What’s credit?” –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are a small sample of some jokes by the late night comedians about the liberals:

”Yesterday, the country of Kosovo unveiled an 11-foot tall statue of former President Clinton. Yeah. That’s right. The Clinton statue is so life-like, it’s already been slapped 12 times.” —Conan O’Brien

”A new study shows that the phrase most often used by President Obama is, ‘Let me be clear.’ The phrase he uses the least often? ‘Let me be specific.”’ —Jay Leno

”After Joe Wilson’s outburst, everyone was shocked. Because usually when a politician shoots off his mouth and makes a fool of himself, his name is Joe Biden. … But even Biden said he was embarrassed by Wilson’s behavior. This is Joe Biden we’re talking about. Joe Biden saying it’s embarrassing is like an Australian bartender saying you’ve had too much to drink.” —Craig Ferguson

”A man in Washington, D.C., was apprehended by Secret Service yesterday for taking off his clothes and jogging naked near the White House. In related news, I say that’s probably the last time Biden ever takes Ambien.” —Jimmy Fallon

”Police in Texas seized a shipment of ecstasy pills this week shaped like President Obama’s face. The drug is characterized by a brief powerful high followed by a long, slow comedown.” —Seth Meyers

”In Austin, Texas, President Obama told an audience, ‘If you want to go forward you put your car in ‘D.’ If you want to go backward, you put your car in ‘R.” But you know something? Either way, the economy is still F’d.” —Jay Leno

”President Obama and the first lady say they will not be exchanging gifts this Christmas. Mrs. Obama says they used to, but she got tired of Barack promising big things and not delivering.” —Conan O’Brien

”A new poll shows that Tiger Woods’ popularity has dropped from 85 percent to 33 percent. President Obama’s popularity is also at 33 percent, but Tiger had more fun getting there.” —Conan O’Brien

”Bill Clinton revealed that he now supports same-sex marriage, even though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his presidency, he also opposed his own marriage.” —Jimmy Fallon

”The birthers believe that the president was secretly born in Kenya. … I always thought he was born in a manger in Jerusalem.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That’s not the general’s job. That is my job.” —Jay Leno

”It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from ‘Yes we can’ to ‘Yes, we caved.’ It’s so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate.” —Jay Leno

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Here are some of David Letterman’s Top Ten Lists from last week:

Top Ten Things That Have Lasted Longer Than The Kardashian Marriage

10.Chris Christie’s lunch hour

9.A conversation with Regis

8.Every one of Brett Favre’s “retirements”

7.The line at the Department of Motor Vehicles — can I get an amen?

6.Herman Cain Chief of Staff, Mark Block’s exhale

5.ABC’s remake of “Charlie’s Angels”

4.My fatwa

3.Muammar Qaddafi in the drain pipe

2.”The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien”

1.This Top Ten list

Top Ten Matt Lauer Travel Tips

10.Get drunk before your flight, airplane booze is expensive

9.Try Greece, where the current exchange rate is one U.S. dollar equals all of their money

8.If you enjoy solitude, you might want to try New York City’s Ed Sullivan Theater

7.Foreigners do not like it when you call them “Pappy”

6.You need a souvenir? You grab an extra suitcase from that baggage carousel

5.Try hiking on the Iran/Iraq border

4.When smuggling wildlife, remember: lizards in your shirt, monkeys in your pants

3.If you’re in Florence and you want a great meal, you cannot beat the Olive Garden

2.Honeymooning with Kim Kardashian? Get refundable tickets

1.Never look at your hotel room under a black light

Top Ten Signs Herman Cain’s Campaign Is In Trouble

10.Can’t afford cigarettes for new campaign ads

9.It’s been fun, but there’s no way we’re actually electing a guy named “Herman”

8.While campaigning, kissed a photo of himself and signed a baby

7.New campaign slogan “Mayday!”

6.Even Michele O’Bachmann thinks his ideas are nuts

5.He trails Qaddafi’s corpse in the polls

4.Refuses to acknowlege the road to the White House goes through me, Dave

3.He’s acting less fun-crazy and more crazy-crazy

2.Just accepted million dollar offer to pose nude in Playboy

1.There’s a 0-0-0 chance he’ll be President

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, David Letterman, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel and Conan O’Brien:

“I love the protests. And if you think about it, what better way to send a message to Wall Street than by sitting in a pup tent banging on a drum.” –David Letterman

“There’s so many protestors now they are going to move them out of the park and put them in a pothole. You know, that one over on 8th Avenue.” –David Letterman

“The New York Times reports that Moammar Gadhafi spent his last days hovering between defiance and delusion, surviving on rice and pasta. In other words, Gadhafi spent his last days as a sophomore in college. That’s what I did.” –Conan O’Brien

“A bank in Washington was robbed by two men in George W. Bush masks. Luckily, right afterwards two guys in President Obama masks came and bailed the bank out, so everything is fine.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama was back in Los Angeles today, where he will appear on the ‘Tonight Show’ with Jay Leno, to highlight the one job that was saved during his administration.” –Conan O’Brien

“It seemed that after he was killed, Gadhafi’s body was stored at a commercial freezer at a shopping mall. It’s one thing to hunt a guy down and shoot him twice in the head, but then to drag him to the mall? Come on, guys hate that.” –Jay Leno

“The guy who killed Gadhafi was wearing a New York Yankees cap at the time. So, for at least one Yankees fan, it turned out to be a pretty good October.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday on CNN, Joe Biden said he hasn’t made up his mind about whether he’ll run for president in 2016. Which raises the question: ‘Who was raising that question?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“I just read that a bear broke into a candy store in Tennessee and started eating all the candy. That’s right, a live bear filled with candy. Or as Sarah Palin calls that, ‘the best piñata ever.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“I’m very excited that President Obama is coming tomorrow night and as you know he’s on his nationwide ‘I Whacked Another Terrorist’ tour.” –Jay Leno

“The world was supposed to end Friday. I don’t think it did, though. Harold Camping also predicted the apocalypse was going to happen back in May and I don’t think that one happened either. Well, you know what they say, the third apocalypse is the charm.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“This is reported to be the 12th time Camping has predicted the end of the world, the first time being in 1978. Not only is he bad at predicting things but he’s kind of a bummer to hang out with.” –Jimmy Kimmel

We had President Obama on the show last night. I think the president enjoys visiting NBC because we’re the only place that has lower numbers than he does. –Jay Leno

According to polls, Rick Perry has now fallen to fifth place. You know who is in fourth place? Carrot Top. –Jay Leno

A man from India has become the first 100-year-old person to run a full marathon. He’s 100 years old, but to be fair, he was 94 when he started the race. –Jay Leno

Chaz Bono was voted off of “Dancing With the Stars.” Afterwards, he said he appeared on the program to show America a different kind of man. Yeah, because if there’s one thing America’s never seen, it’s a white guy who can’t dance. –Conan O’Brien

In a new interview, Rick Perry said it was a mistake for him to participate in the presidential debates. Perry said “I’m not one of these ‘word talkers.’” –Conan O’Brien

Michele Bachmann said she wants her three daughters to learn to shoot a gun. Mostly so they can put her campaign out of its misery. –Conan O’Brien

In an interview last night, Rick Perry criticized Mitt Romney for flip-flopping on the issues. Romney said that Perry has no idea what he’s talking about. Then he added, “But he does know what he’s talking about.” –Jimmy Fallon

A company in England is coming out with a new perfume that smells like beer. Yeah, it’s called “Lohan.” –Jimmy Fallon

Sylvester Stallone is being sued for copying another writer’s screenplay to make “The Expendables.” Yeah, you can tell from the part where Stallone blows up a fighter jet and then goes, “Simba, one day all of this will be yours.” –Jimmy Fallon

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The Republican presidential debates are raising the awareness of the unfairness of income taxes (as if that should even be needed….but still) so I thought I’d post some tax jokes from the late night comedians.

“Two things you need to know about taxes. They’ve extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China.” –David Letterman

“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s fitting that April 14 is National Pecan Day because today, we recognize nuts. And tomorrow, on April 15, we pay our taxes to support them.” -Craig Ferguson

“I’m not going to pay taxes. When they say I’m going to prison, I’ll say no, prisons cost taxpayers a lot of money. You keep what it would have cost to incarcerate me, and we’ll call it even.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Because of a holiday, the deadline for taxes is April 18, so you have three extra days to dig through restaurant dumpsters for receipts.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The government is really asking a lot of us this month — first we’re supposed to count how many people live in our home — then we’re supposed to count how much money we owe them. I actually got confused and accidentally sent a check to the census and a member of my household to the IRS. Sorry grandma.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Nobody likes taxes, but they’ve been around forever. Taxes date back all the way back to the year one, when baby Jesus was visited by two wise men and an IRS agent, who demanded half the family’s frankincense.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“The IRS says it’s been getting death threats since the health care bill passed because the IRS is going to be the ones in charge of implementing it. They say the threats people are making to the IRS are so bad, that they are actually hindering the IRS’s ability to threaten people.” –Jay Leno

“Tomorrow is the day to mail in your tax returns, which means tonight is the night to start making fake receipts.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as psychopaths, and then the rest of us.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Today is April 1, April Fools’ Day, a day that people try to fool their friends and relatives. Don’t confuse that with April 15, when people try to fool the IRS.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday President Obama said, ‘We can’t continue to treat tax money like monopoly money.’ Oh really — how come all those guys on Wall Street got ‘get out of jail free’ cards?” –Jay Leno

“The healthcare reform bill now includes a tanning booth tax of 10 percent. You know what this means? This whole thing could be funded by the cast of ‘Jersey Shore.’” –Jay Leno

“Regis Philbin’s back in primetime, hosting 11 new episodes of ‘Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.’ But because of Obama’s tax plan, it’s been re-titled ‘Who Wants To Win Just Under $250,000.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.” –Craig Ferguson

“So, it’s pretty crazy. Look, we’re bailing out Wall Street, we’re bailing out banks, we’re bailing out car companies. In fact, did you know there’s a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government?” –Jay Leno

“President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He’s concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that’s just in his administration.” –Jay Leno

“As part of a plan to close his state’s budget deficit, New York Governor David Paterson is proposing a tax on Internet pornography. You see, this is why we can’t have blind governors. I mean, no offense, but of course he’s going to tax pornography. If he can’t enjoy it, nobody can. What’s next, a tax on rainbows?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“And there are a lot of new taxes coming. California state legislators want to solve our state’s giant deficit by taxing marijuana. Meanwhile, Oregon wants to increase a tax on beer, while New York wants to tax Internet porn. You know what this means? By the end of spring break, this whole thing could be paid for.” –Jay Leno

“Another one of President Barack Obama’s nominees is having tax issues, which proves one thing: The Democrats like raising the taxes, but they hate paying them.” –Craig Ferguson

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Here are David Letterman’s Top Ten lists from last week, Monday through Wednesday:

“Top Ten Things Columbus Said When He Arrived In America”

10. “What should we do first — unpack or hit the bar?”
9. “Who wants smallpox?”
8. “What do you mean the Pinta lost my luggage?”
7. “One day they’ll name the whole country after me — or, at least, a city in Ohio”
6. “Amerigo Vespucci can s**k it!”
5. “I can see, like, 15 Starbucks from here”
4. “Mama mia, that’s a spicy new world!”
3. “Where my dawgs at?”
2. “I hope I’m not too late to pre-order the iPhone 4S”
1. “I wonder who Regis has on the show tomorrow?”

Top Ten Reasons Chris Christie Endorsed Mitt Romney

10. Romney sounds like pastrami

9. Perry wouldn’t let him fry eggs on the Texas electric chair

8. Two liters of Shop Rite root beer and a king size Snickers did the trick

7. If elected, Romney said he’d overturn rule requiring enormous people to buy extra airplane seat

6. Needed something to do between lunch and second lunch

5. Acting on direct orders from Colonel Sanders

4. It was a close call between him and Rick Santorum — just kidding

3. Mistook Mitt’s repeated ‘bi-partisan’ references to mean two kinds of cheese

2. Movie star good lucks — who could resist?

1. Only other options were the nutjob, the crackpot, the pizza dude and Newt

Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Herman Cain

10.Spends free time pepper-spraying Wall Street protestors

9.Wants to add the inventor of the calzone to Mount Rushmore

8.Had no idea Newt Gingrich was running for President

7.Ends every conversation with a, “You know we hold the record for jumping jacks”

6.Oil he used for pizzas, same stuff Romney puts in his hair

5.He’s the last remaining person on earth named “Herman”

4.Secretly funneled cash to Pepsi during the 1980s Cola Wars

3.Once arrested for “dating” uncooked pizza dough

2.Candidate most frequently hit on by Marcus Bachmann

1.Chris Christie wants to be his running mate just for the free pizza

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Here are some of David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Amanda Knox’s Mind When The Verdict Was Read

10 “Mama mia, that’s a spicy verdict”

9 “If there’s time, I’d still like to see the Coliseum”

8 “Can I keep my Versace prison jumpsuit?”

7 “Four years in an Italian prison, this is the last time I book through Priceline”

6 “Who’s Justin Bieber?”

5 “I want to go hiking in Iran”

4 “I can’t believe I’ve gone four years without a Pop Tart”

3 “Does time served in Italian jail count towards my degree?”

2 “I wonder how Conan is doing on ‘The Tonight Show’”

1 “If Michele O’Bachmann becomes President, I’m moving back to Italy”

Top Ten Reasons Chris Christie Is Not Running for President

10 As always, he’s following his gut

9 Wants to spend more time with pie

8 There isn’t a Quiznos within five miles of the White House

7 Afraid of going up against the Newt Gingrich juggernaut

6 Doesn’t own a tie without a mustard stain

5 He was advised against it by his closest confidante, Duncan Hines

4 Constitution requires every candidate to be able to see their feet

3 Can’t understand response because of chewing

2 Hank Williams, Jr. just compared him to Stalin

1 He was born in Kenya

Top Ten Ways Rick Perry Plans To Spend $17 Million

10 Death row taco bar

9 Two words: Alberto VO5

8 Hire staff to write some more great zingers like this . . .

7 Always wanted to see Branson

6 Spend a weekend at his hunting lodge with Hank Williams, Jr.

5 $8.5 million on campaign buttons; $8.5 million on bumper stickers

4 Health care for all Texans . . . I’m totally messing with you

3 Shut up or he’ll execute you

2 Get a fabulous makeover from Michele O’Bachmann’s husband

1 Buy lunch for Chris Christie

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel and Conan O’Brien:

“Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie.” –David Letterman

“The two American hikers have been released from Iran and they’re trying to reintroduce them to American culture. Right now, they’re in a screening room outside of Washington, going through Jennifer Aniston comedies.” –David Letterman

“Arnold Schwarzenegger has commissioned a sculptor to create seven larger-than-life statues of himself in a Speedo. So I guess he’s taking the divorce well. … They’re eight feet tall and made of bronze and horse steroids.” –Jimmy Kimmel

‎”I voted for Obama because he was black, not because I agreed with him. I barely agreed with him that he was black.” –Daily Show Senior Black Correspondent Larry Wilmore

“President Obama is criticizing Rick Perry for denying global warming. Can understand why Rick Perry doesn’t take global warming seriously. As governor of Texas, he’s probably fried more people than global warming all put together.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama claims his new jobs bill will be better than his old jobs bill, which only created one job that went to a guy named Bill.” –Jay Leno

“Herman Cain won the Republican straw poll in Florida. Cain has had more wins in Florida this year than the Miami Dolphins.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama’s visit to Los Angeles has really messed up traffic. It took me two hours to get to work. Of course, I ride a little girl’s bike to work.” –Conan O’Brien

“Obama was heckled by someone who said, ‘Don’t forget about medical marijuana.’ The Secret Service has narrowed the suspects down to everyone in L.A.” –Conan O’Brien

“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie vetoed a tax break for ‘Jersey Shore.’ The veto made Snooki so angry that she turned orange-red.” –Conan O’Brien

“Hallmark has launched a line of recession-themed cards that say, ‘Sorry you lost your job.’ The good news is, the cards come pre-addressed to your congressman.” –Conan O’Brien

“Joe Biden was a guest on ‘The View’ today. It was a little weird, When Whoopi said it was time for ‘Hot Topics,’ Biden was like, ‘The sun! Coffee! Toasters! Did I win?’” –Jimmy Fallon
“Mitt Romney came to New York to meet with Donald Trump. First thing, Trump asked to see Romney’s birth certificate, and then they got down to business.” –David Letterman

“Rick Perry did so badly at the last debate, that President Obama turned to Michelle and said, ‘Honey, you can stop packing.’” –David Letterman

“Perry said he didn’t do well because he was exhausted. Sure, he’s exhausted from executing all those people.” –David Letterman

“President Obama was in San Diego and traffic was a huge mess. There was even a three-hour backup tunneling in from Mexico.” –Jay Leno

“Obama says he will be reforming No Child Left Behind. That’s not to be confused with Michelle Obama’s childhood obesity campaign, ‘No Child Left With a Big Behind.’” –Jay Leno

“President Obama and Bill Clinton played golf together. You know what you’d get if you crossed Obama and Clinton? Tiger Woods.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama’s campaign just launched a new program geared toward seniors called ‘Operation Vote.’ Great, just what old people need – another operation.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Arnold Schwarzenegger has commissioned an 8-foot bronze sculpture of himself. There’s even going to be a maid in charge of polishing it.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Pakistan warned the United States to stop the rhetoric against their country or ‘they will lose an ally.’ Pakistan could become an enemy harboring terrorists – as opposed to an ally harboring terrorists.” –Jay Leno

“The stock market dropped 400 points yesterday. I saw a bunch of guys running out of Goldman Sachs with squeegees.” –David Letterman

“Someone smashed the windows in President Obama’s L.A. campaign office. And today, Joe Biden said it was likely the work of vandals, and definitely not someone who forgot their key and had to go to the bathroom.” –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are the very best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon Conan O’Brien, David Letterman and Craig Ferguson:

“President Obama described himself as an eternal optimist. He then explained that he’s the kind of person that sees the country as ‘half employed.’” –Conan O’Brien

“A man wearing an Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that or Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit.” –Conan O’Brien

“Tim Pawlenty endorsed Mitt Romney, calling him a ‘bedrock conservative.’ When he heard this, John McCain said, ‘I grew up in Bedrock, and I don’t remember seeing him.’” –Conan O’Brien

“It’s being reported that Rick Perry met his wife when they were in elementary school. There was another boy that liked her too but Perry had him executed.” – Conan O’Brien

“In England a dominatrix is saying a prominent politician used to hire her for services. Of course, a dominatrix in England is someone who ties you down and then flosses you.” –Conan O’Brien

“The Republican debate was up against Monday night football. It was like NFL vs. LOL.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney said that President Obama, does not understand that the president doesn’t create jobs. Then Romney went on to explain his plan to create jobs once he’s elected president.” –Jay Leno

“Since Rick Perry has been governor of Texas, 234 criminals have been executed. That’s the difference between Texas and California: In California, those criminals would have been given tryouts for the Raiders.” –Jay Leno

“The economy is so bad that in Texas Rick Perry had to execute convicts just by throwing a toaster in the bath tub! That’s how bad.” –Jay Leno

“According to a new poll, only 55 percent of Americans think President Obama is intelligent. Yeah, that may not sound impressive, but it’s up 55 percent over the last president.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new study found that in the last 30 years, the average home size has increased by 600 square feet. Which is fitting, since in the last 30 years, the average person size has increased by 600 square feet.” –Jimmy Fallon

“His New York district is having a special election to replace Anthony Wiener. I was going to make a joke, but it’s just so hard at this point …” –Jimmy Fallon

“There’s a commemorative 9/11 Merlot, perfect for when you’re drinking to never forget. ” –Stephen Colbert

The movie “Contagion” is about an outbreak of an infectious disease. I was thinking about that while I was shaking everyone’s hands. –Jay Leno

Do you know why most of the people died in the movie? They were denied treatment because their HMO called it a pre-existing condition. –Jay Leno

Threatening messages were posted on the White House Facebook page. Secret Service takes this very seriously and they’re warning that whoever is responsible runs the risk of being unfriended. –Jay Leno

There was another Republican debate on CNN. The big winner: Monday night football on ESPN. –Jay Leno

A South Carolina man was arrested for sneaking a taser gun into a football game and using it on somebody. The man was arrested — and immediately signed by the Oakland Raiders.  –Conan O’Brien

A new report says there has been a sharp increase in the use of marijuana over the last year. Maybe that explains the sharp increase in unemployment over the last year. -Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama wants to get Americans back to what we do best. He wants teachers teaching, police policing, firemen fighting fires, and the rest of us checking Facebook. -Jimmy Kimmel

Obama says the jobs bill will be paid for. I don’t like this focus on paying for things. That’s what future generations are for. -Jimmy Kimmel

The Department of Agriculture announced that it will ban six new strains of E. coli. Which explains why the hot dog vendor outside my building is now just selling napkins. -Jimmy Fallon

Instead of sending in a written resume, a man in California recently got a job because of a YouTube video he made. As opposed to most people, who lose their job because of a YouTube video they made. -Jimmy Fallon

Italy is asking China to help bail them out of their debt crisis. Doesn’t that make you mad? Hey Italy, China is our sugar daddy. –Jay Leno

The Democrats lost a seat they’ve held in New York since the 1920s. The White House said, “At least President Obama created one new job.” –Jay Leno

Dick Cheney was grilled by the women of “The View.” So apparently he’s willing to undergo torture himself to prove a point. –Jay Leno

After saying the jobs bill is paid for, President Obama now says that it will be paid for by raising taxes over 10 years. I can’t figure out if he’s the kind of guy who makes infomercials, or the kind of guy who falls for infomercials. –Jay Leno

President Obama’s re-election campaign is doing a contest where contributors can win a chance to have dinner with the president. Or, if you come in 2nd place, a mid-afternoon Hot Pocket with Joe Biden. –Conan O’Brien

Mitt Romney’s campaign is offering a chance to win a day with Romney. It’s called, “Vote for Mitt Romney or else you’ll have to spend a day with Mitt Romney.” –Conan O’Brien

A company in Denmark has released a solid gold phone that costs more than $57,000. They say it’s the coolest phone you’ll ever drop in your toilet. –Conan O’Brien

President Obama is determined to help the unemployed because it’s looking increasingly likely that in a year, he’ll be one of them. –Jimmy Kimmel

If I was president, I’d freeze everyone in carbonite until the job market improves. It worked for Han Solo. –Jimmy Kimmel

The government is about to release a report on what went wrong during the BP oil spill. Or as fish put it, “Hey, no rush.” –Jimmy Fallon

A town in Minnesota has canceled plans to change the name of a street called “Stoner Avenue.” It’s a weird street. Instead of saying, “Stop,” all the signs just say, “Chill, bro.” –Jimmy Fallon

A week after releasing him into the wild, scientists have lost track of a penguin named Happy Feet. Of course, polar bears know the penguin by his new name: “Tasty Feet.” ­–Jimmy Fallon

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Here are the very best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Fallon:

“Dick Cheney’s new memoir contains some startling surprises. For example, he is still alive.” –Jay Leno

“This book is not for the faint–hearted. It was written by the faint–hearted.” –Jay Leno

“Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move campaign to reduce childhood obesity is under attack from the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance. A study shows fat acceptance peaks in bars just about closing time.” –Jay Leno

“The earthquake last week caused cracks in the Washington Monument. Experts say it’s the biggest crack problem in D.C. since Marion Barry.” –Jay Leno

“Dick Cheney’s new memoir will be a best seller. I think it’s published by ‘Simon & Shooter.’” –David Letterman

“If you like light summer reading, Dick Cheney’s memoir came out at midnight . In Washington, D.C. this is like a ‘Harry Potter’ book coming out. There were long lines of bald old men outside bookstores, putting electrodes on each other’s nipples. Then they heard about Cheney’s book coming out.” –Craig Ferguson

“Reviewers say Cheney’s book shows a new sensitive side and reaches out to his former enemies. Ha ha! No, he goes after his enemies like they’re lawyers on a quail hunt. He blasted Rumsfeld and Colin Powell and even President Bush’s dog Barney. He says, ‘That dirty bastard was leaving dirt bombs all over the White House, and so was Barney.’” –Craig Ferguson

“Dick ‘Kaboom’ Cheney has written a book, and he says he wouldn’t change anything. He feels strongly about this. He’d still invade the wrong country.” –David Letterman

“Cheney says he wrote the memoir because friends encouraged him to do it. This guy has friends?” –David Letterman

“Moammar Gadhafi had a photo album of pictures of Condoleezza Rice. Who doesn’t have one of those?” –David Letterman

“Gadhafi is apparently on the run, though today he released a message congratulating Beyonce on her pregnancy.” –David Letterman

“Hurricane Irene wasn’t that bad. In fact, it was downgraded to a tropical storm. Even our hurricanes are getting downgraded. Maybe Irene owed money to China too.” –Jay Leno

“Over 6 million people were evacuated from New Jersey ahead of the hurricane. And now, three of them have gone back.” –Jay Leno

“They had so much rain in New York that a lot of the cabbies had their first shower in years.” –Jay Leno

“New York even the subways were closed for Irene. New Yorkers had nowhere to go to the bathroom. They were stunned.” –Jay Leno

“The rhetoric is heating up between Republicans Rick Perry and Mitt Romney. These two do not like each other. Perry has opposed many of Romney’s positions – but to be fair, so has Romney.” –Jay Leno

“Vice President Joe Biden has been in China meeting with the Chinese Vice President. One embarrassing moment during the trip when he met the Chinese Vice President’s children, he said, ‘What factory do you work in? Those are nice sneakers, did you make those?’” –Jay Leno

“Happy birthday to Sen. John McCain, who turned 75 today. He celebrated with a party that was going just fine – until he invited Sarah Palin.” –Craig Ferguson

“Get this. In a recent interview, Dick Cheney said that his new memoir will have quote ‘heads exploding’ in D.C. Yeah, especially if you read it while you’re on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney.” –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama’s uncle has been arrested on suspicion of drunk driving. Remember when the most embarrassing person in the president’s life was Joe Biden? –Jay Leno

How sad is it for the uncle? He got thrown in jail and the only relative he could call for bail money is $14 trillion in debt. –Jay Leno

The three crew members on the international space station may leave early because a rocket bringing supplies crashed. They have some food left, but it’s all in the mini-bar, and that’s really expensive in space. –Jay Leno

I’m feeling pretty good. I finally got myself weaned off the Weather Channel. –David Letterman

The show last night was so bad that the audience called Mayor Bloomberg and demanded to be evacuated. –David Letterman

The CIA is hoping Moammar Gadhafi’s weapons don’t fall into the wrong hands. Weren’t they already in the wrong hands? –David Letterman

The Justice Dept is trying to block the merger between AT&T and T-Mobile. It’s only fair because AT&T keeps blocking the mergers between me and the people I try to call. –Jimmy Fallon

In a new interview, President Obama said Ben Franklin is the Founding Father he would most like to meet. Meanwhile, Joe Biden said that Panthro is the ThunderCat he would most like to meet. –Jimmy Fallon

Researchers found that your first decision is usually your right one. Then they were like, “Scratch that, the second decision — that’s the right one.” –Jimmy Fallon

Chick-fil-A is offering free breakfast for an entire week. Although if you eat breakfast at Chick-fil-A for an entire week, you’re going to pay a price. –Jimmy Fallon

Hey, I heard that 7-Eleven is now selling potato chips that taste like hot dogs. Seriously? I’m still waiting for 7-Eleven to sell hot dogs that taste like hot dogs. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that women gain more weight after marriage, but men gain more weight after a divorce. Yeah, the divorce usually takes place after men point out that women gained more weight after marriage. –Jimmy Fallon

That’s right, after couples get divorced, men gain the most weight. While women gain the most stuff. –Jimmy Fallon

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