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Here are some more Jay Leno jokes about Barack Obama:

And at a rally in Florida today, Barack Obama was interrupted by protesters called Blacks Against Obama. They all drove there together in the same car, a Mini Cooper, if I’m not mistaken.

Barack Obama continues to criticize John McCain’s economic plan. McCain would like to criticize Obama’s plan, but nobody knows what it is yet. So we’re still waiting.

Barack Obama said today, again, he wants to raise taxes on the rich. That’s provided if, by November, anyone is still rich.

I had a great dinner last night. Put on a Barbra Streisand CD, ordered Domino’s, saved $28,488. Last night, Barack Obama hosted a dinner with Barbra Streisand singing. It was $28,500 a plate. $28,500 a plate! But, to be fair, that did include an all-you-can-eat salad buffet. That was included. I guess the food was pretty exotic. The main course was roasted pig in a lipstick glaze.

And another day, another federal bailout. This is unbelievable to me. The Federal Reserve has just loaned the AIG Insurance Company $85 billion to keep it afloat. $85 billion. That is almost as much money as Barack Obama raised last night in Beverly Hills.

Earlier this evening, Barack Obama was in Hollywood at a big fundraiser, a sold-out fundraiser featuring Barbra Streisand singing. $28,500 a ticket. Barbra Streisand was singing. All the big Hollywood stars were there. It featured dinner prepared by the finest Hollywood chefs serving an array of gourmet food. I believe the topic tonight was how John McCain is out of touch with the common people.

Well, I guess it’s getting serious, because Barack Obama’s going to have lunch with Bill Clinton this week to discuss Democratic strategy. They’re going to get together and talk. You know, they haven’t been that friendly up to this point. Of course, it’s tough agreeing on a restaurant, because the two men are both so different. Finally, they settled on a ‘Hooters’ that serves arugula.

According to the New York Times, Barack Obama’s campaign is having a hard time meeting their fundraising goals. And they’re pressing their donors for more money. They want more money. In fact, Obama said today, he’s willing to take change. He will now accept change.

Boy George has released a new song that is inspired by Barack Obama. It’s called ‘Yes We Can,’ by Boy George. If that doesn’t put Obama over the top with the Joe Six-pack crowd, nothing will, huh?”

What a week this has been. If you watched last night, I guess you know, Barack Obama got beat up by a girl.
Did you see that Mount Olympus-style backdrop they had for Barack’s speech, with the big columns on it? Little over the top, do you think, huh? Like, when they introduced him as ‘Barack, son of Zeus,’ that seemed over the top.
And Barack Obama will give his big speech tomorrow night at Invesco Field, a football stadium, which is appropriate, considering how many times Democrats have fumbled in the past few years.

In fact, while Michelle Obama gave her historic speech, Barack Obama watched the whole thing from a family’s living room in Missouri. He was in Missouri. I mean, I know it’s tough getting a hotel room in Denver right now, but come on.

You know, you could see Obama was trying a little too hard to connect with young voters with the text message. I still have it on my phone. [on-screen: cell phone face and text: OMG! Me and Biden are BFFs TTFN ;^)].
You know, they said on the news earlier tonight that this political campaign has only 100 days left. Only! Anybody complaining that this thing was dragging out? Oh, not quick enough?Only 100 days left. Oh, God! 100 Days. I don’t know what’s less likely, Barack Obama getting enough experience in 100 days, or John McCain living another 100 days.

Today in Berlin, Barack Obama spoke to a crowd of over 200,000 people. In fact, he was so eager to please the Germans, he promised he’d name David Hasselhoff as vice president.

Barack Obama’s two daughters are very excited, because I guess Barack Obama promised the kids that after the election he’s going to get them a dog. That’s the thing, they’re all excited, he’s going to get them a dog after the election. And the good news: Jesse Jackson has offered to neuter it, so I think that’s terrific.

The other day the plane that Barack Obama was on had some mechanical difficulties and was forced to land. Well, the National Transportation Safety Board did an inspection on the plane, and you know what they found? The bolts on the plane were fine, but apparently Jesse Jackson had taken some of the nuts off.

Barack Obama is back from his big European tour. Did you see him in Europe? People were cheering him, holding up signs, blowing him kisses. And that was just the American media covering the story.

I’m sure you know by now, Jesse Jackson was overheard saying, and I’ll put this more delicately, that he wanted to cut Barack Obama’s testicles off. And Jesse has been on several news programs the last couple of days, explaining what he meant by those comments. Do you need to explain that?

Insiders claim that even though Jesse Jackson supports Barack Obama publicly for president, privately he doesn’t like him. You know, it’s kind of like Bill with Hillary.

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Signs You’re Watching a Bad Science Fiction Movie

Friday, May 17, 2013

10. It’s called “Journey to the Center of Chris Christie”

9. Takes place eight minutes in the future

8. It’s rated ‘R’ for brief robot nudity

7. Recreates the history of the galaxy in real time

6. Monsters don’t come out during the day or the night

5. People wear more aluminum foil than seems believable

4. The entire film is home video shot by a guy riding space mountain

3. Alien villain portrayed by a spray-painted chimp

2. Introduces Darth Vader’s sister, Ruth Vader Ginsburg

1. It’s two hours of a guy polishing his phaser

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Retirement Home Brothel

Thursday, May 16, 2013

10. “Is that heavy breathing or labored breathing?”

9. “Talk dirty and loud”

8. “My hip!”

7. “This time you be the kaiser”

6. “My other hip!”

5. “It’s been four hours – call 911″

4. “Clear!”

3. “Care to join me on the plastic slipcover?”

2. “Teeth out is another twenty”

1. “Welcome back, Regis”

Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Spending $2 Million On A Painting of A Naked Bea Arthur

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

10. “Should I discuss this with my therapist?”

9. “Can it possibly live up to how I imagined her naked?”

8. “What’s the catch?”

7. “Is this auction clothing-optional?”

6. “Is this what people mean when they say, ‘Dude, you’re into weird stuff’?”

5. “How many more images of a naked Bea Arthur do I need?”

4. “Why has no one snatched this up already?”

3. “Will it go with my bronze statue of Shelly Winters?”

2. “Can I have it delivered in time for Father’s Day?”

1. “How much for just the frame?”

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Doctor After Gastric Band Surgery

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

10. “All done, Fatso!”

9. “You’re alive?!

8. “Open your mouth and say ‘Moooo!’”

7. “We didn’t have to, but I shaved you”

6. “When we opened you up, it was like a Golden Corral”

5. “If you experience any discomfort keep it to yourself”

4. “I went ahead and added the gastric suspenders”

3. “You’re beautiful when you’re unconscious”

2. “And now the easy part: diet and exercise”

1. “Your gender reassignment was a success”

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want to Hear From the Person Sitting Next to Your On A Plane

Monday, May 13, 2013

10. “I’m gonna need more than one air sickness bag”

9. “I’ve been watching you sleep”

8. “1,894 miles to go… 1,893 miles to go… 1892 miles to go”

7. “Technically, I’m supposed to be piloting this thing”

6. “If you say ‘Boeing’ enough times, it begins to sound like your bouncing: ‘Boeing’, ‘Boeing’, ‘Boeing’…”

5. “Now that I think about it, I definitely didn’t pack my own bag”

4. “Sardine?”

3. “Excuse me for a minute while I light my underpants”

2. “The last time I flew, I had to be restrained” (photo of a guy restrained on an airplane)

1. “Am I squeezing your leg too hard?”

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some more Jay Leno jokes about President Obama:

President Bush briefed Barack Obama on the state of the nation this week. I don’t know that things look bad, but after the briefing, Obama called McCain and said, ‘You still want the job?’

This was actually in the paper today, that both parties are already preparing for 2012. Isn’t that unbelievable? But I was thinking, it’s going to be tough for Barack Obama to come up with a campaign slogan for 2012. I mean, what’s it gonna be? ‘Don’t change, everything’s fine, don’t change anything, keep it exactly the same!’

In the latest issue of Sports Illustrated, Barack Obama says if he is fortunate to win the White House, he would like to install a basketball court. That’s what he said. It’s going to be built right on top of what is now the bowling alley.

Actually, Barack Obama’s wasting no time. He has chosen Illinois Congressman Rahm Emanuel as his chief of staff. Rahm Emanuel. Apparently Barack’s first order of business, no guys with regular names. Okay, that’s it! No Larrys, no Bobs! Just Barack and Rahm.

Don’t you love how the different news outlets put their own slant on it? Like see how Fox News is covering Barack Obama’s first 24 hours? They said, ‘Day One: American Held Hostage!’

Barack Obama spent his first day as president-elect putting together his transition team. And if you believe MSNBC, by tomorrow he will have chosen all 12 of his disciples.

Hey, did you see Barack Obama on the news? He took time out to take his kids trick-or-treating, that was nice. But he’ll only let them take candy from households making over $200,000 a year.

Hey, I watched ‘American Idol’ last night, the Barack Obama show. Did you all see Barack Obama’s infomercial? It was called “American Stories.” You know why they called it “American Stories”? I guess it sounded better than ‘Barack Obama Running Out the Clock.’

The show was very well done. I got to admit, I especially liked the end, where Barack rose to the heavens on a cloud. Wasn’t that unbelievable?

Here’s the amazing part, this is true, it was the highest-rated show on NBC last night. NBC’s already talking to Barack about picking it up for 13 more episodes.

This is exciting. Earlier this evening, Barack Obama’s 30-minute infomercial appeared on three of the major networks. Fox, CBS and NBC. And, of course, NBC was thrilled to be considered a major network. We haven’t had that in years!

Now, if you didn’t see it, one part was a little odd. At the end, Barack said, ‘If you vote now, we’ll throw in a set of steak knives and a can of Oxiclean.’

And of course, this Barack Obama appearance was historic for our network. Did you know this? This is the first time a black man has appeared on NBC in prime time since Bill Cosby.

Barack Obama continues to lead in the polls. Barack said, today, if it wasn’t for Fox News, he might be up two or three more points in the polls. So apparently, five of the six news channel openly rooting for him isn’t enough. You gotta get that last one.

Barack Obama also says that both men and women should have to register for the draft. What do you think of that? The first woman he wants signed up? Sarah Palin.

Barack Obama has bought a half-hour of airtime on CBS. He’s now negotiating with NBC, but they have some disagreement. See, Barack just wants to buy a half-hour, but NBC wants him to buy the entire prime-time schedule for the entire rest of the year.

Barack Obama said today the government’s $700 billion bailout should not be a blank check. Barack Obama says he knows that $700 billion is a lot of money. In fact, it would take him at least 10 Hollywood fund raisers to come up with that kind of money.

And the first presidential debate will take place this Friday night. They say John McCain’s challenge will be to distance himself from President Bush. And Barack Obama’s challenge will be to answer questions before his supporters can start clapping. So it’s going to be very tricky.

At a rally in Florida, Barack Obama was interrupted by a protest group calling themselves ‘Blacks Against Obama.’ Actually, a pretty small group. It’s just Condoleezza Rice and Jesse Jackson.

Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Things Going Through This Baby’s Mind At This Moment

Friday, May 10, 2013

10. “What’s everyone staring at?”

9. “You can go faster, it’s not like I’m a week old”

8. “Grip it and rip it, dude”

7. “Ah, this is just the vacation I needed”

6. “Next week: solid food and slalom”

5. “I’m getting too old for this crap”

4. “Takes my mind completely off teething”

3. “Isn’t this what Cheney did to people?”

2. “If I were old enough to talk, I’d say, ‘Aggghhhh!’”

1. “I could really go for a cigarette”

Top Ten Reasons I Decided To Become A Teacher

Thursday, May 9, 2013

10. I hope to live up to the teachers who inspired me — like Ms. What’s-Her-Name

9. It’s no fun saying the pledge of allegiance every day by myself

8. Honestly, I didn’t pay much attention the first time through school

7. Kids need to know the moon landing was faked

6. If I could make a difference in just one student’s life — well, that wouldn’t be a very good average

5. The glamour

4. You work long hours, but at least the pay is bad

3. Hoping to teach in an all song-and-dance high school, like on “Glee”

2. In the summer, I can watch all you losers go to the office

1. I want to help kids talk good

Top Ten Least Memorable James Bond Films

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

10. “Lick And Let Dry”

9. “You’ve Only Bathed Twice”

8. “Oldfinger”

7. “Clams Casino Royale”

6. “Gold Bond: The Spy Who Loved Medicated Powder”

5. “Secret Service On Her Majesty”

4. “James Bond: Mall Cop”

3. “Leafraker”

2. “From Rush Limbaugh With Love”

1. “Cold Sores Are Forever”

Top Ten Thoughts People Have About Sandwiches

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

10. “Sure, I’ll have a sandwich”

9. “Is the second date too early for a French dip?”

8. “Honestly, screw wraps”

7. “Is America ready for its first gay sandwich?”

6. “Do I want a 12-inch or a foot-long?”

5. “Has the United States Treasury considered a sandwich-backed currency?”

4. “What does BLT stand for?”

3. “When will this country lift the ban on Cuban sandwiches?”

2. “When I say ‘hold the pickles’ I’d actually like to hold the pickles”

1. “Grinder? I just met her!”

Top Ten Least Impressive Auction Items

Monday, May 6, 2013

10. Rice thrown at a Kardashian wedding

9. Autographed photo of Brad Pitt’s accountant

8. Any Lance Armstrong memorabilia

7. Auctioneer’s half-finished lunch

6. Bible signed by a guy who looks like Jesus

5. Richard Nixon’s junk mail

4. The shoes Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin wore yesterday

3. Shellacked replica of Fred Astaire’s favorite sandwich

2. Water bottle which may or may not have been used by Marco Rubio

1. Dinner with Andy Dick

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are several jokes by Jay Leno about Barack Obama:

Anyway, a spokesman for Barack Obama says the prisoners that are released from Guantanamo will either be sent back to their home countries or enter the New York City cab driver training program.

President-elect Barack Obama is starting to get an idea of just how hard his new job is going to be. Today, he said he wanted to bring a sense of accountability to Washington. I think they realized actual accountability, never going to happen.

Activists are now pressuring President-elect Obama to make good on his pledge to end the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy in the military to allow gays to openly serve in the military. You know, I think it’s about time. Don’t you? Let me tell you something, if someone is willing to risk their life for our country, they should be able to watch ‘Dancing with the Stars’ openly.

Well, President-elect Barack Obama and his family are gonna spend the holidays in his home state of Hawaii. And you know who couldn’t be more thrilled with this? The press, the reporters who follow the president. Well, think about it. After eight years of spending every holiday cutting brush in Crawford, Texas, they get to go to Hawaii!

And earlier today, President-elect Obama and Vice President-elect Biden met with Al Gore in Chicago to discuss energy and climate change issues. Obama, Gore and Biden. So, you have the greatest speaker of our lifetime, the most boring speaker of our lifetime and the guy who speaks non-stop for our entire lifetime. All together in one room.

Barack Obama says he is promising not to smoke cigarettes while in the White House. I don’t know. Is that a big issue for the American people? [a woman in the audience yells 'Yes!']. Really? You care if he smokes? Let me tell you something, okay? If he fixes the economy, he can smoke a bong in the White House.

President-elect Barack Obama was on ‘Meet the Press’ yesterday. And he told the American people the economy was going to get worse before it gets better. That’s what he said. It’s going to get worse. See, that’s when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election, ‘The audacity of hope!’ ‘Yes, we can!’ ‘Change we can believe in!’ Now it’s, ‘We’re all screwed, good night, thank you! It’s going to get worse!’

Hey, did you see that picture on the front page of USA Today yesterday of Arnold Schwarzenegger shaking hands with Barack Obama? Didn’t it look like one of those ads for one of those bad buddy action movies from the ’80s, you know? [as Schwarzenegger] He’s a strongman from Austria. He’s an African-American from Chicago. They fight crime; they’re ebony and ivory.

Well you know what’s really strange? If [Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano] gets this job, she would be the first official to take the job overseeing homeland security working for a guy, if he wasn’t president, whose name would probably be on the no-fly list. ‘Barack Hussein Obama? Yeah, step off to the side, please. Thank you.’

Is it me, or is Barack Obama on the cover of, like, every magazine now? I went to the newsstand. Joey, hand me that, will you? … Here’s Barack: cover of Time, Men’s Health, GQ, Tiger Beat, ‘Is he the fourth Jonas Brother?’

The press is calling President-elect Barack Obama the first wired president, ’cause he’s very big on e-mail and the internet and all that kind of stuff. But once he becomes president, he’ll have to give up all personal communication devices because of security concerns. Looks like America is ready for a black president, we’re just not ready for a Blackberry president.

Hey, Barack Obama had to give up his Blackberry. He’s the first wired president. … He might have to give his Blackberry because of security reasons. Because they’re easy to hack into. In fact, when Obama heard he might have to give it up, he said, ‘OMG! WTF?’ I mean, he couldn’t believe it.

Barack Obama’s mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with him. See, Joe Biden was right. ‘Hostile forces will test him in the first few months.’

Today in Chicago, for the first time since the election, John McCain sat down with President-elect Barack Obama. Pretty impressive. Obama agreed to sit down and talk to McCain without any preconditions.

According to Newsweek, sociologists believe that nine months after election day, there could be tens of thousands of what they call ‘Obama babies.’ Psychologists say this is not unusual, because a lot of people celebrate a big victory by having sex. That’s true. See, that’s why there’s never been any Detroit Lions babies.

According to CNN, Barack Obama’s popularity going into office is higher than Clinton’s, Reagan’s or either of the President Bush’s when they entered office. It’s much higher. Well, hang on, hang on. That’s on CNN. On Fox, he’s somewhere between Attila the Hun and lead poisoning.

President Bush briefed President-elect Obama on the state of the nation this week. You know, look, I don’t want to say things look bad, but Barack Obama’s new slogan? ‘Maybe We Can.’
President-elect Barack Obama is still looking for a new White House dog. The search is on. In fact, do you realize he has spent more time selecting a dog than John McCain did selecting a running mate?

It was on this in day in 1789 that Benjamin Franklin said those famous words, ‘In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes. Death and taxes, which ironically, was the Secret Service code name for John McCain and Barack Obama.

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Signs Your Ice Cream Truck Driver Is Nuts

Friday, May 3, 2013

10. He greets customers with “Who sent you?”

9. Offers three toppings: sprinkles, nuts, and fire ants

8. Only works winters

7. On truck loudspeaker you hear him sobbing

6. Your scoop of “vanilla” turns out to be Crisco

5. Truck never slows below 85 miles per hour

4. Price of everything is “How much you got?”

3. He has licked everything in the truck

2. Keeps ice cream scoop warm in his pants

1. He’s wearing nothing but a sugar cone

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want to Hear In A Movie Preview

Thursday, May 2, 2013

10. “In a world where waffles do not exist…”

9. “From the director who once met the nephew of the director who brought you ‘The Godfather’”

8. “Meryl Streep is New Jersey Governor Chris Christie”

7. “Come see the film ‘Entertainment Weekly’ calls ‘97 minutes in length’”

6. “Starring Tom Hanks, but not that Tom Hanks”

5. “The incredible, true story of a teenager’s monkey, seized by German authorities”

4. “Strap yourself in for two hours you’ll never get back”

3. “Coming soon, another asinine movie about vampires”

2. “Special Sneak Preview at midnight in my van”

1. “Anthony Weiner in 3-D”

Top Ten Other Stadium Inventions

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

10. Cup holder holders

9. On-field parking

8. Fully-obstructed-view seating

7. Chimpanzee ushers

6. Shoulder-launched hot dogs

5. Retractable field

4. Every seat gets a throw pillow

3. Even warmer, flatter beer

2. Vibrating condiment pumps

1. Valet-parking dogs

Top Ten Phrases You Don’t Want To See In An Online Dating Profile

Monday, April 29, 2013

10. “Never convicted”

9. “Probably a tapeworm”

8. “Rest in peace, Qaddafi”

7. “Mommy says I’m handsome”

6. “95% bedbug-free”

5. “Casino restroom attendant”

4. “Face tattoo”

3. “Limbaugh-esque”

2. “Per hour”

1. “Twice, with Andy Dick”

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Here are some of David Letterman’s best jokes about Hillary over the last several years:

One week, and Barack Obama will be the new President of the United States. I’m telling you, things are really starting to look bad for Hillary.

Bill and Hillary Clinton helped drop the ball in Times Square on New Year’s Eve. But it was frigid. It was bitter cold, it was icy. And that’s just their marriage, ladies and gentlemen.

The suburbs are cold also. Up in Chappaqua, Bill and Hillary accidentally got into the same bed. It’s that cold.

Hillary Clinton is going to be secretary of State in the Obama Administration. Well, political insiders are now saying that Barack and Hillary actually have a good working relationship, but they don’t have a close personal relationship. No, wait a minute, that’s Hill and Bill.

Are you excited about Hillary Clinton? It looks like she’ll be named Secretary of State. They’re talking about that. And she’ll also receive the home version of the presidency and some other wonderful prizes.

Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he’s got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me.

Now this is a tough process because when, you know, you are going to appoint to you a Cabinet-level position, there is a whole process. It is a vetting process. And a questionnaire, and there was some trouble, because they filled out the questionnaire, running the check on Hillary. Listen this. Turns out, she was married to a guy who was once impeached.

How about this, they’re talking about Hillary Clinton maybe secretary of state. She takes that job, it means she will be spending a lot of time away from home. So today she took out her pantsuit with the travel stickers, and then she bought an electronic ankle bracelet for Bill.

But I’m telling you, ladies and gentlemen, in the world of politics, there is always something that goes haywire, always something that screws up, always something that ruins a lovely event. There is always that bump in the road, and it happened earlier today at the White House. An historic meeting, you have Barack Obama meeting with George W. Bush, and he showed up there for his orientation tour. So did Hillary.

How about that Hillary? She’s all upset because they have been using her recorded message of her criticizing Barack Obama. The McCain campaign got ahold of this audio where Hillary is saying unflattering things about Barack Obama, and they’re using them now. They call it one of those robocalls. Do you ever get some of those? Hillary is furious, because she wanted to make those calls herself.

And did you hear what happened down in Washington, DC, earlier today? Guards had to wrestle and apprehend an intruder who was trying to jump over the White House fence. Nice try, Hillary.

Celebrity birthdays, do you like celebrity birthdays? Hillary Clinton, 61 years old yesterday, how about that? Hillary and Bill shared a quiet birthday dinner, followed by a quiet breakfast, followed by a quiet lunch.

By the way, if you want to get Hillary a gift, you can’t go wrong with a gift certificate from Bed, Bath and Bitterness.

You know, that’s what people are saying, they’re saying that Sarah Palin is transmitting, every time she blinks, it’s some sort of coded message that she’s transferring over the television to the public. I remember the same thing, Hillary Clinton, same thing. Do you remember that? She used to actually — this is true — she used to send coded messages by opening and closing her pantsuit.

Congratulations to Bill and Hillary Clinton: this weekend, 33rd wedding anniversary. How about that? And you thought the Iraqi war was a never-ending conflict.

That’s right, Hillary Clinton’s celebrating 32 years of marriage to Bill, or as Hillary likes to call it, ‘the Bridge to Nowhere.’

But the big wedding anniversary; I mean, at least Hillary gets to have one celebration this year, so that’s nice.

But, you know, when Sarah Palin and John McCain make an appearance together, there’s always a brief hug, just kind of a brief hug. No kissing. So whenever you see them, like on stage some place or getting on or off a plane or whatever on TV, a brief hug, no kissing. … It’s just like Bill and Hillary.

I don’t know if you are aware of this or not, but this Democratic convention, they’re trying to be environmentally friendly. Even the confetti that they drop, that’s actually shredded Clinton subpoenas.

Hillary gave a rousing speech, it was so passionate, emotional, I’m telling you, Nancy Pelosi’s face almost moved.

And then what they did, they showed an inspirational film about the political career of Hillary Clinton, and whoa — moving, terribly dramatic and very insightful The name of the film about Hillary Clinton I believe was entitled ‘The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuit.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign right now, this very minute, is $20 million in debt. Now, when she gets that 3 AM call, it’s from a collection agency.

Politics is a dirty business. Hillary Clinton announced she’s running for president, and the Republicans are already busy digging up dirt. They found out that once in her lifetime she slept with Bill Clinton.

Bill Clinton’s been getting in the way of Hillary’s campaign. Can you believe that? She’s really upset about it, so she’s encouraged him to start dating again.

It’s true, everybody is in the holiday spirit. Last night, Bill Clinton saw the “Nutcracker.” Not the ballet, Hillary.

Hillary Clinton is ending her campaign, but really in the bigger sense it’s sad because, think about it, there goes right down the drain the Clinton dream of a being a two-impeachment family.

But don’t discount Hillary Clinton, because she’s nothing if not shrewd. … Don’t ever forget that. Hillary has a back-up plan. First, nothing but superdelegates. Remember when we heard all about the superdelegates? … Well, now she has another back-up plan to get to the White House. She’s going to marry John McCain.

Hillary Clinton, senator from New York, announced she wants to be president. She would be our first female president, if you don’t count James Buchanan.

Are you familiar with the Hillary Clinton 3 AM phone call commercial that she’s been running? Well, she’s got another one of those, and the phone rings at 3 AM, Hillary answers the phone, she picks it up, and she says “Stop bothering me, President Obama!”

Hillary criticized Obama so strongly that at one point he yelled at her. He just said, “Hey, easy, lady, we’re not married.”

You all excited about the 2008 presidential election? There’s some interesting potential matchups. For example, Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani. On the one hand, you have a pushy New Yorker with a history marital problems. Or, you have a pushy New Yorker with a history marital problems.

Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she’s too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, too angry to be president. When she heard this, Hillary said, “Oh yeah? I’ll rip your throats out, you bastards.”

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Things Overheard at the George W. Bush Presidential Library Dedication

Friday, April 26, 2013

10. “Is it ‘library’ or ‘libary’?”

9. “On your right is the hall of unread intelligence memos”

8. “Where did you get that suit – Men’s Wearhouse?”

7. “They forgot to build an exit for the Afghanistan war exhibit”

6. “Hey, Cheney, slow down on the cocktail weiners”

5. “It’s the only presidential library with a mechanical bull”

4. “What’s Nixon doing here?”

3. “I’m missing golf for this crap?”

2. “Who knew Bush was born in Kenya?”

1. “Duck!”

Top Ten Other AP Twitter Account Bulletins

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

10. Betty White’s pregnant

9. Seal Team 6 captures Reese Witherspoon

8. For a good meal at a fair price, you can’t beat Golden Corral

7. Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes — same guy

6. Apple replaces iPhone with edible PiePhone

5. George W. Bush to open presidential library (hard to believe, but that’s actually true)

4. Lindsay Lohan acquitted of all charges

3. Latvia calling it quits

2. Critics agree: Letterman at the top of his game

1. Governor Chris Christie skips dessert

Top Ten Signs Your First Day As A News Anchor Didn’t Go Well

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

10. Well, you’re wearing two neckties

9. Kept mispronouncing your own name

8. Weatherman tells you to expect an 80% chance of unemployment

7. Your tearful, on-air admission of falsifying your resume

6. Referring to Kim Jong Un as “Our great and powerful leader”

5. No one appreciated your Walter Conkite impression

4. Last story of the broadcast announced a job opening for a news anchor

3. Received congratulatory phone call from Sue Simmons (video of Sue: “What the f**k are you doing!?”)

2. Kept dropping your pants and yelling “This just in!”

1. Aspired to be the next Ernie Anastos (video of Ernie: “Keep f**kin that chicken”)

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Little Known Facts About Hell

Friday, April 5, 2013

10. Front door – Turkey; back door – Trenton

9. It’s loosely modeled after Kennedy Airport’s Delta terminal

8. Most people are there for loitering

7. Smells like a Yankee Candle store

6. People give away endings to films without saying “spoiler alert”

5. High temperature and humidity good for sinuses

4. Considering ban on large sodas

3. Everyone shares one bathroom

2. Waiters are extra-chatty

1. After recent takeover, was renamed “Trump Hell”

Top Ten Things We Will Miss About Jay Leno

Thursday, April 4, 2013

10. Whenever he used a “Headline” I sent in, I got a “Tonight Show” T-shirt

9. Now I’m the only guy in late night television who’s not a Jimmy

8. He looks damn good in denim

7. Driving one of his antique fire trucks

6. Playful spats with Gelman

5. If you broke down on the freeway, Jay was always there to help with a camera crew

4. Can’t remember the name of the bit, but it’s the one where Jay is walking

3. He’s mom’s favorite talk show host

2. I won’t be able to do this anymore (Dave does Leno impression)

1. Watching him interview big stars who won’t do this show

Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Traveling with Your Monkey

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

10. “When was my last tetanus shot?”

9. “Would it be easier to FedEx the monkey?”

8. “Why didn’t I think of this sooner?”

7. “Should I take my monkey out of school for this?”

6. “Are we visiting countries that consider monkey a delicacy?”

5. “Isn’t this the premise of every disease-outbreak movie?”

4. “Will other travelers mind the smell of monkey?”

3. “Should my monkey and I just take a staycation?”

2. “Do I have my monkey’s allergy medicine?”

1. “Germany is welcoming to monkeys, right?”

Top Ten Signs Your Baseball Team Isn’t Ready for the Season

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

10. Your first baseman is so fat, he’s also your second baseman

9. Your cleanup hitter has asked to work from home

8. Most of your players believe the uniform buttons in the back

7. Minutes before first pitch, clubhouse kid runs to Dick’s to buy bats

6. Already planning your October vacations

5. Most players spent off-season attempting to steal back their memorabilia

4. Opening Day giveaway is a letter of apology from the General Manager

3. Something is still not quite right with the big dance number

2. Team doctor: Conrad Murray

1. You’re the New York Mets

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Questions On The Dog IQ Test

Thursday, March 28, 2013

10. Did you eat the dishtowel?

9. If a car is moving at 30 mph and you chase it at 15 mph, how soon will you catch it?

8. Sit

7. What is it, boy, trouble at the mill?

6. Kibbles, bits, or none of the above?

5. Paw?

4. Conjugate “woof”

3. Who’s a good doggie?

2. Summarize the advantage of licking yourself

1. Can you parallel park a car? (video of dog driving a car)

Top Ten Signs Your Pilot Is A Fake

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

10. His wrinkled Pan Am uniform

9. Excitedly tells you it’s his first time on a plane

8. During takeoff, furiously flaps his arms

7. He’s also in the Skymall magazine modeling hats

6. Refers to every control in the cockpit as a ‘doo-hickey’

5. Insists on patting down every passenger himself

4. “Flies” you from Gate 3 to Gate 4

3. Wanders through cabin collecting “gas money”

2. When he thanks you for flying, his mustache falls off

1. He can’t hold his liquor

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Popes’ Lunch

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

10. “Are you seeing anyone?”

9. “I just love the Vatican City Cheesecake Factory”

8. “Hmm, what would Jesus order?”

7. “Who do you have to canonize to get some coffee around here?”

6. “I know I’m infallible, but I should’ve gone with the chicken”

5. “Which of you had the margarita, no salt?”

4. “Cardinals be crazy”

3. “Why didn’t I think of being the humble Pope?”

2. “Oh look at the time, I should get back to poping”

1. “Put it on God’s tab”

darnfunnyonline.com