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Here are the best jokes from this week from the late night comedians… I, for one, am very glad Jay Leno is back:

“Gay marriage now legal in Washington, D.C. How about that? So, if you’re a congressman, in bed with a lobbyist, if you like it, you better put a ring on it.” –Jay Leno

“Well, in his new book, Karl Rove said that the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq badly damaged the Bush administration’s credibility. It’s all in his new book here, it’s called ‘Duh.’” –Jay Leno

“Representative Charles Rangel, the chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, has temporarily surrendered his post pending an ethics investigation. They’ve been investigating him for three months now. And so far, they have not found a single trace of ethics.” –Jay Leno

“Hey, did you hear about this story today? This is pretty wild. The FAA is investigating why a child was allowed to direct air traffic at John F. Kennedy airport. You know this story? … Authorities say they got suspicious when five of the planes landed at a Toys ‘R’ Us parking lot.” –Jay Leno

“Imagine that, children directing air traffic. Today, the Chinese said: ‘Why didn’t we think of that? Sure, get more kids working. Why not?’” –Jay Leno

“Of course, the pilots were stunned. One of them said, ‘Am I still drunk, or is that a kid’s voice?’” –Jay Leno

“Karl Rove’s new memoir, ‘Courage and Consequence,’ is coming out next week. Not sure if ‘Courage and Consequence’ is how most people would describe the Bush years, but I guess it does sound better than ‘Oopsies.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“New Yorkers are desperate. They’re trying to get Paterson to leave early, and I said to myself, ‘That sounds like a job for Jay Leno.’” –David Letterman

“I love the biathlon. That’s the sport that involves skiing and shooting the rifle. Or as Sarah Palin and her husband, Todd, call it, ‘date night.’” –Jay Leno

“President Obama had his first physical exam as president over the weekend. The doctor said he was in much better shape than the country.” –Jay Leno

“Interesting, when the doctor told him to turn his head and cough, he turned to the left.” –Jay Leno

“Let Canada have hockey. If they beat us in obesity, then I’ll start to worry.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Buzz Aldrin will be on ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ He may be the only man to have walked on the moon and moonwalked in the same lifetime.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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Here are the best jokes from this week from the late night comedians.

“It’s a great day for former Vice President Dick Cheney, who was released from the hospital today. He’s doing well. Doctors say he’ll be up and shooting lawyers in no time.” –Craig Ferguson

“About a third of the members of Congress are on Twitter. Now we know why nothing is getting done.” –Craig Ferguson

“There’s a new member of Twitter: the Dalai Lama. I think he just did it to make China mad. Everything he does annoys China, it’s like he’s Ellen DeGeneres and China is Simon Cowell.” –Craig Ferguson

“I disagreed with Cheney about a lot of things, but when he shot that lawyer in the face — you took my heart, Dick.” –Craig Ferguson

“Former Vice President Dick Cheney was released from the hospital today after being treated for a mild heart attack, his fifth heart attack. Next one’s free.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“More than 100,000 free condoms have been distributed in the Olympic Village…Because if there’s one thing we don’t want, it’s the best athletes in the world getting together and producing more.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“It was a fun day for the head of Toyota U.S.A. today. He had to appear in front of Congress to be yelled at by men who don’t do anything.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I have to say, it was actually refreshing to see a car company C.E.O. appear before Congress and not ask for $10 billion.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“But starting today, the credit card companies have to scale back their evil ways. They can’t raise or increase rates whenever they want. That’s great news, because Americans owe $874 billion to credit card companies. To be fair, most of that is Mel Gibson’s bar tab.” –Craig Ferguson

“I don’t keep many credit cards because I’m worried someone might steal my identity. Yeah, right. Like anyone would want my identity. After two days, they’d beg me to take it back.” –Craig Ferguson

“Dick Cheney loves snowboarding. He thinks it’s waterboarding, but colder.” –David Letterman

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Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians for this week.

“I think it was Bill Clinton who popularized the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy. But don’t confuse that with another Clinton policy — ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Hillary.’ That was a whole different policy.” –David Letterman

“Here is a historical fact. It was on this day in 1690, the first paper money was printed up in the colony of Massachusetts. The pilgrims realized that when they ran out of money, they could just print more. Thus, the federal government was born.” –Jay Leno

“At the town hall event, President Obama also said jobs will be our No. 1 focus in 2010. He then added, ‘Specifically, mine and Biden’s jobs.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Everybody’s talking about the military’s ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy. Admiral Mike Mullen said it’s wrong to force people to lie about who they are in order to serve their country. Then Congress was like: ‘Who cares? We do that every election.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Well, the Oscar nominations were announced today, you guys. Best-actor nominees included George Clooney for ‘Up in the Air,’ Jeremy Renner for ‘The Hurt Locker,’ and President Obama for the ‘State of the Union.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“I read in The New York Times that the Obama administration is planning huge changes to President Bush’s ‘No Child Left Behind’ law. The new law will be called, ‘Let’s Face It, Some Kids Are Just Duds.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Obama administration has reversed itself and is now considering moving the trial of the 9/11 terrorists out of Manhattan after protests from Congress and the mayor of New York. See, they’re going to do an Off Broadway version first, see if people like it. See, then if it does well, then they’ll bring it into the city.” –Jay Leno

“And of course, the terrorists — the terrorists, they want it in Manhattan. A jury of their peers?  Sure, a bunch of New York cab drivers. They’d get off like that.” –Jay Leno

“Osama bin Laden has released yet another audiotape message. Where does he find all these audiotapes, O.K.? You can’t even buy audiotapes anymore. I mean, is there a tiny country in the Middle East called Radioshackistan? Is that where they’re coming from? Where do you — we can’t even play them. We don’t have machines that old.” –Jay Leno

“Great Britain and America now have proposed a half-billion-dollar fund to create jobs for Taliban members who agree to lay down their arms. And if it works there, they’re going to offer the same deal to NBA players.” –Jay Leno

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians:

“President Obama is getting ready to pardon the White House turkey, the Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner.” –Jay Leno

“The White House and the Senate Democrats are working on a new jobs bill. The White House said this new jobs bill could create twice as many non-existent fake jobs as the last one.” –Jay Leno

“Now, three weeks ago, [the Administration] said the $787 billion stimulus-thing created one million new jobs. Then, last week, they said it was really only 640,000 jobs. Now, they’re saying they really don’t know. You know how to create a new job? Fire the guy in charge of counting.” –Jay Leno

“There’s a lot of controversy over this section of this new health care bill that says if you don’t buy health insurance, you can go to jail for five years. They say it’ll prevent freeloaders of the system. Yeah, but — well, if they do go to jail, won’t they get free health care for five years?” –Jay Leno

“Legal experts are worried about having [Khalid Sheikh Mohammed's] trial here in New York City with this guy because they think he’ll use the trial as a soapbox. Use the trial as a soapbox. Have you seen the guy, there he is. If he does, it will be the closest this guy has been to soap in years.” –David Letterman

“In a long-standing Thanksgiving tradition, President Obama is scheduled to pardon the White House turkey this coming Wednesday. ‘Hey, that’s great,’ said Joe Biden. ‘I didn’t even know I did anything wrong.’” –Seth Meyers

“Former Cuban leader Fidel Castro, reportedly a huge fan of President Obama. He thinks President Obama’s doing a great job. Well, Obama hasn’t had PR that good since the Reverend Wright was campaigning for him.” –Jay Leno

“The George W. Bush library design was unveiled this week by former First Lady Laura Bush. Did you know that she was a librarian when she first met George? Did you know that? In fact, she’s the only thing he ever checked out of a library.” –Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton tells Vogue magazine that she naps on command, like that. Yeah, especially when Bill asks if she’s in the mood” –Jay Leno

“On Friday, President Obama pardons the White House turkey. Mmm-boy. Dick Cheney didn’t miss an opportunity. He proves that Obama is soft on poultry.” –David Letterman

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Here are some of the best of the jokes from the late night comedians this week.

“Well, here’s a story that won’t go away. Congressman Joe Wilson has refused Democrats’ demand to apologize to Congress on the House floor, to which Kanye West  said, ‘I’ll do it. That’s okay, I’ll do it.” –Jay Leno

“Wait, have you heard about this? Oh, I love this. They have new House rules saying members of Congress cannot call the President a liar. They cannot call him a hypocrite. They cannot say he is dishonest. Today, President Bush  said, ‘Hey, where were these rules when I was President?’” –Jay Leno

“Hey, if they start banning hypocrites and liars from the floor of Congress, there won’t be anybody in the building.” –Jay Leno

“Of course, you know President Obama  yesterday created quite a stir, because he apparently called Kanye West a jackass. Yeah, well, some people are now upset with President Obama for calling Kanye a jackass. They’re upset about it. Yeah, and Joe Biden is furious, because ‘Jackass’ is his Secret Service code name.’” –Conan O’Brien

“In Connecticut — this is weird — one of the Republican candidates running for Congress is the former CEO of the W.W.E. wrestling organization, which could be good. Congressmen will be less likely to scream out, ‘You lie!’ if they could get hit with a folding chair.” –Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, former President Jimmy Carter said that Congressman Joe Wilson’s outburst during President Obama’s speech last week was based on racism. When Joe Wilson heard that, he said, ‘I can’t get mad at Jimmy Carter. He’s white.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Joe Wilson is now the only United States congressman to be formally rebuked for speaking out while the President was giving an address. That could explain his Secret Service codename, ‘Kanye.’” –Jimmy Fallon

‘Yesterday, Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke said it is ‘very likely’ that the recession is over. I hope this isn’t like when President Bush told us the war in Iraq was over.’ –Jimmy Kimmel

“They always do this when there’s a holiday, whenever people want something. The latest rumor is there may be a pumpkin shortage this year. They say a chilly, damp summer in the Midwest and Northeast has hurt the pumpkin crop. They say large pumpkins are going to be hard to find. Isn’t that unbelievable? I mean, our pumpkins are getting smaller and thinner, and our trick-or-treaters are getting bigger and fatter.” –Jay Leno

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