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Most of the late night shows were in reruns this week so except for the first few jokes from David Letterman from this week the rest are some funny jokes I picked out from the last few months:

“President Obama is on vacation. This is his sixth vacation. He’ll have plenty of time for vacation when his one term is up.” –David Letterman

“They’re vacationing at the beach. He’s down there with Snooki, Jwoww, the The Situation.” –David Letterman

“President Obama could not wait to get on vacation. As soon as the plane landed, he grabbed a couple beers and slid down the emergency slide.” –David Letterman

”Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. The current mayor said Levi Johnston should get his high school diploma and keep his clothes on if he wants to win. And then Levi was like, ‘Dude, he just told me how to win. What an idiot.”’—Jimmy Fallon

”Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That’s not the general’s job. That is my job.” —Jay Leno

”On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices.” —Jay Leno

”In the press this week, NBC has been calling me every name in the book. In fact, they think I’m such an idiot they now want me to run the network.” —Conan O’Brien

”There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.” —Craig Ferguson

”It’s a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she’ll probably quit after a year.” —Craig Ferguson

”I understand it’s not going to be a traditional wedding. Rumor is that Bristol asked Levi to wear his camouflage hunting vest. Which would be the closest he’s ever come to wearing protection of any kind.” —Jay Leno, on Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston’s wedding

”It’s not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It’s that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse’s office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.” —Jon Stewart

”During his acceptance speech, newly elected Senator Scott Brown told the crowd that his two daughters are both available. Man, so many great American speeches, right? ‘Four score and seven years ago,’ ‘Ask not what your country can do for you,’ ‘I have a dream,’ and now, ‘My daughters are both available.”’ —Jimmy Fallon

”BP’s company newsletter has an article that says most Gulf residents aren’t upset with BP because their cleanup crews have boosted the local economy. BP taking credit for boosting the economy in the Gulf is like al Qaeda taking credit for creating jobs in airport security.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”What a week in Washington. They passed health care, they’re talking about immigration reform, it looks like they’ve ended ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,’ and they’re legalizing marijuana. Let me tell you something, if you’re a gay drug dealer from Mexico who snuck across the border for free health care so you could join the Navy, this is the greatest year of your life.” —Jay Leno

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Here are some more Joe Biden jokes from the late night comedians since he has been the Vice President.

“Hey, I thought this was nice. To celebrate Earth Day, a group of schoolchildren in Washington each planted a hair plug in Joe Biden’s head.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama says his daughters will take care of the dog, but who picks up the dog’s poop after the kids go to sleep? Well, that duty will fall on a low-level employee with nothing else to do. Joe Biden’s going to be cleaning up.” –Craig Ferguson

The Obamas have chosen a new White House dog. It is a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Very cute dog. Their first choice was a wheaten terrier, but it was arrested for tax evasion. Bo arrived just in time, because Sasha and Malia were getting tired of throwing Frisbees at Joe Biden.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Today was Joe Biden’s first full day as vice president. Yeah, advisors say Biden spent most of the day watering his hair.” –Conan O’Brien

“It’s Vice President-elect Joe Biden’s birthday today. And Barack Obama bought him 12 cupcakes for his birthday, which is a smart gift to give Biden because when his mouth is full of cupcakes he can’t say anything stupid.” –Craig Ferguson

“Late last night, Sen. Barack Obama was elected the 44th president of these United States. And even if you are a Republican or a member of one of the small crazy people parties, you could find something to be happy about, whether it’s that we have our first-ever African-American president or even that we have our first vice president with hair plugs.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“See, I got to admit, as a comedian, I’m gonna miss President Bush. Because Barack Obama is not easy to do jokes about. He doesn’t give you a lot to go on. See, this is why God gave us Joe Biden.” –Jay Leno

“You know, an article in the Washington Post today said that some medical experts believe Joe Biden may have had Botox. In fact, you know how they could tell? His expression didn’t change when they asked him about his hair plugs.” –Jay Leno

“Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi in her speech, praised Joe Biden, calling him the ‘full package,’ that’s what she called him, that’s the actual term she used, she called him the ‘full package.’ Now he’s getting phone calls from Senator Larry Craig.” –Jay Leno

“Although Joe Biden is in great physical condition, the Republicans are raising questions about his health now. I guess he had a brain aneurysm a couple of years ago. Hey, you can’t expect every vice president to be the picture of health like Dick Cheney, okay?” –Jay Leno

“In a speech in Washington, D.C., Delaware Senator Joe Biden said although he wants to be president, he’d rather be at home making love to his wife. Which is ironic, because Bill Clinton said the same thing. He said he’d rather be home making love to Joe Biden’s wife too.” –Jay Leno

“Actually, Joe Biden looked pretty good. In fact, Joe’s popularity has gone from 1% to 2% last week to 3% today. At this rate, he could win the nomination by the year 2032.” –Jay Leno

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Joe Biden has set himself up to be the best source of Vice-Presidential comedy writing material since Dan Quayle so here are some Biden jokes from late night since he’s been in office:

“Sir Paul McCartney played at the White House last night. He dedicated the Beatles song ‘Michelle’ to the First Lady. Isn’t that lovely? And then for Joe Biden, he played ‘Fool on the Hill.’” –Craig Ferguson

“Joe Biden accidentally revealed the location of the Vice President’s top secret bunker. The guy can’t help it. But he did apologize. He said, ‘I am so sorry for the mistake. The launch code is 85334. It will never happen again. It will never happen again. My Gmail password is robot23. What am I doing? The house key is under the plant near the doorstep.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Vice President Joe Biden is on a trip to Bosnia, Serbia, and Kosovo. The White House is calling it ‘Operation Keep Biden Away From the Microphones.’” –Jay Leno

“Here’s something that I am very excited about. Joe Biden, the current vice president, was yakking away over the weekend. And he — remember when Dick Cheney was in an undisclosed location and everybody thought: Where? So supposedly top secret information, classified information. And Joe Biden just says, ‘No, I know where he was. He was hiding under his house. Joe Biden is living proof that people can give up sensitive information without being tortured.’” –David Letterman

“At the Gridiron Dinner, Joe Biden started talking and accidentally revealed Dick Cheney’s secret hiding place. See, there’s more proof you don’t need waterboarding to get secret information. Just give Joe Biden a couple of drinks….This is part of our new plan. It’s called ‘Don’t Ask, We’ll Tell.’” –Jay Leno

“There was a private screening of ‘Star Trek’ at the White House over the weekend. And President Obama said he really liked the film. The best thing about private screenings, because we get to do them – it’s not like seeing it with the public, you know, where there might be some moron talking through the whole movie. In fact, that’s why they didn’t tell Joe Biden.” –Jay Leno

“Oh, man, Biden did it again. God may have taken away Bush, but by golly, he gave us Joe Biden. You see this today? Joe Biden was on the ‘Today’ show, and he said he would tell his family members not to take any commercial flights and don’t ride in any subway cars because of this swine flu. You know, I don’t think Joe Biden’s going to catch swine flu, but it’s pretty obvious he has a case of foot-in-mouth disease.” –Jay Leno

“Vice President Joe Biden said on the ‘Today’ show that the subways in New York City are not safe because of swine flu. Hey Joe, listen to this – the subways weren’t safe before swine flu.” –David Letterman

“Oh, on Friday, President Obama was taken to a secure location in the White House after a single engine plane strayed over White House air space. As a precaution, they took the President to a place in the White House nobody even knew existed — Joe Biden’s office.” –Jay Leno

“Joe Biden is Barack Obama’s running mate. Yeah, nothing says change like a guy who’s been in the Senate for 35 years.” –David Letterman

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians, including Jay Leno, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon and Craig Ferguson:

“Everyone is talking about Steven Slater, the flight attendant who cursed at a passenger, grabbed two beers, and slid down the escape slide, in what may be the best resignation ever. In fact he’s so good at quitting, they’re thinking about making him the next governor of Alaska.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“It could be the first time in history that someone has been arrested for going down an inflatable slide.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The Mexican Supreme Court ruled that all Mexican states must recognize same-sex marriages registered in Mexico City. So men can now marry in Mexico, but they still can’t honeymoon in Arizona.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. The current mayor said Levi Johnston should get his high school diploma and keep his clothes on if he wants to win. And then Levi was like, ‘Dude, he just told me how to win. What an idiot.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“If anyone is looking for a job, there’s an opening for a flight attendant at JetBlue. … Steven Slater, the famous JetBlue flight attendant, dropped so many F-bombs on that plane that he got a thumbs up from Joe Biden.” –Jay Leno

“The New Orleans Saints visited the White House. They presented President Obama with a Saints jersey with the number 44, in honor of his approval rating.” –Jay Leno

“Health officials in Oregon have shut down a 7-year-old girl’s lemonade stand because she didn’t have a license. Officials haven’t issued a statement yet. They’re busy popping balloon animals and stomping on sand castles.” –Craig Ferguson

“A JetBlue flight attendant cursed out passengers, grabbed two beers, slid down the chute and took off. The pilots were furious. Those were their last two beers.” –Jay Leno

“This flight attendant really went crazy. The good news: terrorists are now afraid to fly.” –Jay Leno

“The New Orleans Saints visited the White House yesterday. That’s an interesting switch, people from New Orleans visiting a disaster area.” –Jay Leno

“Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Ironically, many of the babies he’ll kiss on the campaign trail will be his own.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama announced this month that he created 70,000 new jobs. The bad news is, they are all vacation planners for him and his family.” –Jay Leno

“The U.S. Postal Service reported a $3.5 billion loss in the last quarter, which established it as the federal government’s most successful enterprise.” –Jay Leno

“Plans are being finalized for Mexico’s bicentennial. On Sept. 15, over 70 million Mexicans will celebrate, and that’s just in Los Angeles.” –Jay Leno

“Levi Johnston is planning to run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. He really is trying as hard as he can to get shot by Sarah Palin, isn’t he?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Mel Gibson’s father is speaking out, claiming that the Pope is a homosexual. It might be a good time for the whole Gibson family to go to a monastery and take a vow of silence.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman and Craig Ferguson:

“The countdown is now under way for what a lot of people are calling, the wedding of the year — on July 31 Chelsea Clinton is getting married. Bill and Hillary are thrilled; they say they don’t care who the groom is as long as it’s not Levi Johnston.” –Jay Leno

“According to a study by the Brookings institution, Washington D.C. has the highest concentration of smart people in the United States. Lets see; we have a mess in the Gulf, we have a dysfunctional Homeland Security, and we are $13 trillion in debt. Imagine how bad it would be if these people weren’t geniuses.” –Jay Leno

“AT&T announced today that they are working on a new app for the iPhone. This one will allow you to make calls.” –Jay Leno

“The Obamas invited Broadway stars to perform at the White House. Unfortunately, things got a little awkward when Barack told one lady how great she was in ‘Wicked,’ then realized it was just Nancy Pelosi.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Bristol Palin wants Levi Johnston to wear a camouflage vest at their wedding next month. When she heard that, Sarah Palin was like, ‘That’s fine, I wasn’t planning on aiming that high anyway.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“It’s so hot in New York City that conservatives have started the ‘Iced Tea Party.’” –David Letterman

“Apparently BP’s containment cap is leaking. When asked if the rumors are true, a BP spokesman said, ‘Aren’t there any more Mel Gibson tapes?’” –Craig Ferguson

“Dick Cheney is recovering from heart surgery in the hospital. I understand Fox sent flowers, and MSNBC sent a large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese.” –Jay Leno

“All of Mel Gibson’s troubles could have been avoided if he’d just made those calls with the iPhone 4. None of them would have gone through.” –Jay Leno

“Rumors are that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are going to film a reality show. Sarah Palin says she can’t wait to start shooting, but that’s totally unrelated.” –Craig Ferguson

“Today is a day of cautious optimism. The BP well has been capped and Lindsay Lohan is in rehab, but we’re not sure how long either one is going to hold.” –Jay Leno

“For the first time since April, oil has stopped gushing into the Gulf of Mexico. I’m not sure what engineers they used to fix it but I think we can rule out the guys who created the new iPhone 4.” –Jay Leno

“Apple will now offer a free iPhone case for all iPhone users. It’s not going to help reception, but it protects the iPhone after you throw it against the wall.” –Jay Leno

“Experts are now saying that these thousands of accidents caused by Toyotas were really driver error. The driver error was buying a Toyota.” –Jay Leno

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Mel Gibson has made himself a hot topic as of late and here are some jokes from the late night comedians about what had made him a hot topic over the last few years…hint, it has not been his acting.

“There’s now a 48-hour cease-fire going on in the Middle East. Israel will stop attacking Hezbollah. But, Hezbollah will not necessarily agree to stop attacking Israel. Hey, we can’t even get Mel Gibson to stop attacking Israel.” –Jay Leno

“Mel Gibson apologized to the Jewish community for anti-Semitic remarks he made when he was drunk. Yeah, then Gibson apologized to Catholics for not being able to hold his liquor.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mr. Gibson announced today that he will be entering rehab — the Betty Ford Center for his alcoholism, and I believe the Henry Ford Center For Anti-Semitism.” –Jon Stewart

“As you may have heard, Mel Gibson was arrested in Malibu on a DUI. I don’t know what he was drinking but I think you can rule out Manischewitz.” –Jay Leno

“The sheriff said that Mel’s blood alcohol was .12. Give you an idea how high that is, half a point higher and he would officially be a Kennedy.” –Jay Leno

“They said on the news that if he is convicted he could face up to 14 days in the ‘Thunderdome.’” –Jay Leno

“Police said today that they found a bottle of tequila in Mel’s Lexus. So let’s sum up what happened here; Mel Gibson, who grew up in Australia, was drinking alcohol from Mexico in his Japanese car while yelling about the Jews in Israel. You know where he was coming from? A Thai restaurant. Welcome to America.” –Jay Leno

“Condoleezza Rice has been extremely busy this week, shuttling back and forth between Israel and Mel Gibson’s house.” –Jay Leno

“There are people already trying to capitalize on the Mel Gibson Jewish controversy. In fact a DVD of the arrest just came out. It’s called ‘Goys Gone Wild.’” –Jay Leno

“There’s some controvery about Mel Gibson’s for a DUI in Malibu. They think he may have gotten special treatment. There’s a police report that says instead of handcuffing him like they usually do, the arresting officer opened the door and asked Mel nicely to step in. I think right about now, Rodney King is going, ‘I should have been an actor!’” –Jay Leno

“Mel Gibson learned his lesson. He said it’s the last time he tries to outdrink Lindsay Lohan.” –Jay Leno

“A lot of people are mad at Mel Gibson. Yesterday on The View, Barbara Walters said because of his anti-Semitic remarks, she will never see a Mel Gibson movie again. Yeah, Walters said, as far as I’m concerned, he’s Star Jones to me” –Conan O’Brien

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More and more Al Gore is a politician who has earned the right to be the butt of jokes.  So, here are some from the late night comedians over the last few years:

“There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.” –Craig Ferguson

“You guys heard about Al Gore and Tipper splitting up? Everybody is talking about it. Everyone’s blogging about this, and now there are reports online that his daughter and her husband are splitting up. I bet this is the one week where Al Gore wishes he didn’t invent the Internet.” –Jimmy Fallon

“After 40 years, Al and Tipper Gore have split up. Nobody knows why, but there is a rumor today that Al came home early last week and found another man’s carbon footprints.” –Bill Maher

“They could tell he was lonely as of late because when he’d hug a tree, he’d linger.” –Bill Maher, on Al Gore

“Al Gore and his wife, longtime married couple, are separating. Tipper Gore. And they may get a divorce. Apparently what happened, they experienced global cooling.” –David Letterman

“Were you sad to learn that Al Gore and his wife, Tipper are splitting up— I was. I was a little sad about that. Yeah, according to the report, the two are ’separating amicably after a long process of careful consideration.’ You know, even his divorce is boring.” –Jay Leno

“Would you have ever guessed that Bill and Hillary would turn out to be Washington’s happiest married couple?” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday Al Gore told members of Congress ‘that the planet has a fever and it needs a doctor.’ When the congressmen heard this, they asked Gore, ‘You won an Oscar for this?’” –Conan O’Brien

“Al Gore told Congress that global warming shouldn’t be a political issue, it should be a moral issue. And Congress went, ‘A moral issue? What’s that?’” –Jay Leno

“Congratulations to Al Gore. His movie won an Oscar. Today it got reversed by the Supreme Court. … Al Gore announced last night that for the first time, the Academy Awards had a green theme. Which is not really true. It’s always had a green theme — money and envy.” –Jay Leno

“The big winner of the night was global warming. Everyone jumped on the hybrid bandwagon. But if you ask me, any lowering of emissions they achieved with the limos was canceled out by the amount of smoke they blew up Al Gore’s ass.” –Stephen Colbert

“If any of you at home are wondering about the former vice president’s seeming largess, I will have you know, he has not gained weight. He is so passionate about saving this Earth, he is trying not to exhale. … Here’s an inconvenient truth: cake isn’t a food group” –Jon Stewart

“You all ready for the Oscars? … Al Gore is expected to win for his documentary on global warming. I hope he … includes President Bush in the acceptance speech. I mean, without President Bush, we probably wouldn’t have a lot of this global warming.” –Jay Leno

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Here are the funniest jokes of the week from the late night comedians including, Jay Leno, David Letterman and Craig Ferguson.

“You people are so lucky you live in California. This heat wave back east is just unbelievable. … It was so hot in Washington, Nancy Pelosi skipped the Botox, had her face injected with frozen yogurt.” –Jay Leno

“Vice President Joe Biden made a surprise visit to Iraq on July 4. It was a surprise because Biden thought he was going to Des Moines for a fund-raiser.” –Jay Leno

“While Vice President Biden was away, Republican Chairman Michael Steele was forced to take over the job of saying embarrassing things you have to apologize for later.” –Jay Leno

“You hear about this? Michael Steele said that — well, he’s in trouble, actually — for saying the war in Afghanistan was Obama’s war, and it was unwinnable. In fact, Steele felt so sorry for it, he said today he went to his favorite bondage nightclub, demanded to be spanked.” –Jay Leno

“Back in 1776, Americans were fighting to escape British rule, these days we’re fighting to escape British oil.” –Jay Leno

“They say traces of BP’s oil has started turning up in disturbing places, like congressmen’s pockets.” –Jay Leno

“Iran has banned the mullet. Today, the state of Kentucky broke off all diplomatic relations with Iran.” –Jay Leno

“Sunday is July 4, when America combines our two favorite pastimes: alcohol and explosives.” –David Letterman

“Ladies and gentlemen, news from the world of broadcasting. Larry King has announced his retirement. He says he wants to spend more time with his wives.” –David Letterman

“But, seriously, Larry has really been trying to slow down, of course, since his recent death.” –David Letterman

“Here’s how savvy the Russian spies are and were — they knew four years ago that Ricky Martin was gay.” –David Letterman

“They’re having the confirmation hearings down in Washington, D.C., with Elena Kagan. And so far, the woman has offered very few opinions. I thought to myself, well, my God — how do you find a woman like that?” –David Letterman

“BP executives are saying that Hurricane Alex has rendered their clean-up efforts completely useless. In other words, nothing has changed.” –Craig Ferguson

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Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians for this week, including Jay Leno and Jimmy Fallon.

“The Gulf oil spill, now officially the worst in U.S. history. In fact, they’re calling this the biggest environmental disaster since the State of New Jersey.” –Jay Leno

“As you know, we’re right in the middle of a process called ‘top kill.’ Doesn’t it sound like some bad Steven Seagal movie from the ’80s?” –Jay Leno

“BP says if ‘top kill’ fails, they’ll try something called the ‘junk shot.’ Hey, worked last night for the Lakers.” –Jay Leno

“Well, there’s a big new scandal going on. Have you heard about this? Republicans are now saying that President Obama had Bill Clinton offer a job to Pennsylvania’s Joe Sestak in exchange for dropping out of the Pennsylvania Senate race against Arlen Specter. It’s kind of complicated. But if it’s true, it’s an impeachable offense. That’s what they’re saying. They’re comparing it to the Clinton impeachment. Close, but no cigar.” –Jay Leno

“It’s been a rough day in the stock market. It’s so bad, today, President Obama had to lay off two teleprompters.” –Jay Leno

“The economy is so bad, Joe Biden had to cash in his swear jar.” –Jay Leno

“The economy is so bad, I saw the governor of Arizona eating at Taco Bell.” –Jay Leno

“Obama called the Gulf Coast oil spill ‘an assault on our shores.’ And then he said the same thing about fat dudes in Speedos.” –Jimmy Fallon

“This is a crazy story. An American adventurist strapped himself to a bunch of helium balloons and floated from England to France. Immediately afterward, people in Mexico asked, ‘Exactly how many balloons?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new study found that the average person has lost an hour of sleep at night during the recession. Luckily, most of them can just sleep in late the next day.” –Jimmy

“Well, folks, here’s the latest update. I guess this is good news. BP officials say the ‘top kill’ plan is working. The bad news — BP officials are a bunch of lying weasels.” –Jay Leno

“British Petroleum is still trying to minimize the PR damage. You know what they said today? They said all the oil that spilled this month is on the house. No charge.” –Jay Leno

“And a new study shows that fathers can suffer a form of postpartum depression after their child is born, especially if they’re John Edwards.” –Jay Leno

“A new poll found that 43 percent of Americans think President Obama is doing a good job at handling the BP oil spill. Of course, the same poll found that 43 percent of Americans hate pelicans.” –Jimmy Fallon

“And today at a press conference, Obama said that the government does not have better technology than BP. That’s a nice thing to announce to the world, that our government has fewer resources than a company that tried to plug a hole with a ‘top hat.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Earlier today, British Petroleum began this operation known as ‘top kill,’ which comes on the heels of their previous operations, ‘fish kill’ and ‘bird kill.’” –Jay Leno

“And now, here’s something that’s going to get a lot of people upset. It turns out according to a report by the Interior Department Inspector General, employees of the Federal agency that inspects these offshore oil rigs accepted gifts from the oil companies. And you know who arranged the payoffs? Fergie.” –Jay Leno

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians, including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman and Jimmy Kimmel.

“The Pulitzer Prize for fiction was handed out today, given to Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal for his Vietnam War memoir.” –Jay Leno

“Well, that’s the big story in Connecticut. Their attorney general, Richard Blumenthal, who was considered a shoo-in for his race for the U.S. Senate, is now under fire for claiming that he served in Vietnam when he really didn’t. Turns out he has no war record at all. In fact, only combat experience? Shooting himself in the foot.” –Jay Leno

“Well, the truth is he got five deferments, like Dick Cheney. Then he used connections to get into a special reserve unit, like George Bush. And he would have been fine, if he hadn’t lied like John Edwards.” –Jay Leno

“Some good news today for Blumenthal. Because of all the trouble he’s in for lying, he was offered a job as spokesman for British Petroleum.” –Jay Leno

“Thousands of bees swarmed the White House on Sunday morning. And President Obama doesn’t miss a trick. He is smart. Because all these bees were worker bees, he’s now counted them as 10,000 new jobs he’s created.” –Jay Leno

“Another show canceled right here at CBS, ‘The Ghost Whisperer.’ Every week, the ghost whisperer would run errands for dead people. This week, you tune in, she’s trying to find a job for Arlen Specter.” –David Letterman

“Eliot Spitzer may get his own show on CNN. It would be quite a switch for somebody else to be paying him for an hour.” –David Letterman

“In Louisiana, BP claims that it’s making progress with the leaking oil in the Gulf. They’re working on a plan to heat the Gulf up to 600 degrees and use it to fry chicken.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“During a speech in Ohio yesterday, President Obama reminded the crowd that the economy was much worse a year ago. Then the crowd reminded him that he was already president a year ago.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea.” –David Letterman

“A congressman from my home state of Indiana, Mark Souder, has been forced to resign because he was in a sex scandal. Finally, I’m no longer Indiana’s biggest embarrassment.” –David Letterman

“Have you heard about this guy, Richard Blumenthal? He’s a Democratic candidate for Senate in Connecticut. It turns out he actually lied about serving in Vietnam. Not good. In fact, today, he says he hasn’t got this much attention since he became the first man to walk on the moon.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Blumenthal lied about serving in Vietnam in several speeches, which I guess explains why his descriptions of the war sounded like Wikipedia entries.” –Jimmy Fallon

“British Petroleum is starting to get a little defensive. Have you heard their new slogan? ‘Yeah, like you never spilled anything before.’” –Jay Leno

“For the first time ever, an Arab-American woman has been named Miss U.S.A. Her name is Rima Fakih from Dearborn, Mich. She says she hopes winning this title will finally help get her name off the no-fly list.” –Jay Leno

“Well, at a rally in Arizona this weekend, Sarah Palin said, ‘We’re all Arizonans now’ — at which point, every immigrant in Arizona was like, ‘So, we can stay?’” – Jimmy Fallon

“In a new interview, BP’s CEO said that the Gulf Coast oil spill is relatively tiny compared to the ‘very big ocean.’ That’s like telling someone who’s just been shot not to worry about the bullet because they’re really, really fat.” –Jimmy Fallon

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