“A year into Obama’s first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, “Well, technically that is change.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias ‘Barack Obama’ while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Obama is getting his mojo back. Apparently, he’s going to get this financial package. That’s right, the financial package is going through. He got healthcare. He got that nuclear weapons treaty… He’s on a roll and he’s taunting his critics. His new slogan is, ‘Change You Can Suck On.’” —Bill Maher

“Today, by the way, is our president, President Obama’s, one-year anniversary in office. I looked it up. Traditionally on the first anniversary, you give paper, so, I got him his birth certificate.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“That’s pretty amazing, Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley — all dependents.” –Jay Leno

“Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations.” –Jay Leno

“As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing.” –Jay Leno

“It’s a great day for our president, Barack Obama, who got to meet the Queen of England today. She very regally gave him a photograph of her, and he gave her an iPod! That’s quite an unusual gift from the President. Usually he gives out about $150 million.” –Craig Ferguson

“Today, President Obama announced he is using his own money to redecorate the White House. Meanwhile, he is using taxpayers’ money to redecorate the houses of A.I.G. executives.” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He’s concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that’s just in his administration.” –Jay Leno

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“The Gulf oil spill, now officially the worst in U.S. history. In fact, they’re calling this the biggest environmental disaster since the State of New Jersey.” –Jay Leno

“As you know, we’re right in the middle of a process called ‘top kill.’ Doesn’t it sound like some bad Steven Seagal movie from the ’80s?” –Jay Leno

“BP says if ‘top kill’ fails, they’ll try something called the ‘junk shot.’ Hey, worked last night for the Lakers.” –Jay Leno

“Well, there’s a big new scandal going on. Have you heard about this? Republicans are now saying that President Obama had Bill Clinton offer a job to Pennsylvania’s Joe Sestak in exchange for dropping out of the Pennsylvania Senate race against Arlen Specter. It’s kind of complicated. But if it’s true, it’s an impeachable offense. That’s what they’re saying. They’re comparing it to the Clinton impeachment. Close, but no cigar.” –Jay Leno

“It’s been a rough day in the stock market. It’s so bad, today, President Obama had to lay off two teleprompters.” –Jay Leno

“The economy is so bad, Joe Biden had to cash in his swear jar.” –Jay Leno

“The economy is so bad, I saw the governor of Arizona eating at Taco Bell.” –Jay Leno

“Obama called the Gulf Coast oil spill ‘an assault on our shores.’ And then he said the same thing about fat dudes in Speedos.” –Jimmy Fallon

“This is a crazy story. An American adventurist strapped himself to a bunch of helium balloons and floated from England to France. Immediately afterward, people in Mexico asked, ‘Exactly how many balloons?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new study found that the average person has lost an hour of sleep at night during the recession. Luckily, most of them can just sleep in late the next day.” –Jimmy

“Well, folks, here’s the latest update. I guess this is good news. BP officials say the ‘top kill’ plan is working. The bad news — BP officials are a bunch of lying weasels.” –Jay Leno

“British Petroleum is still trying to minimize the PR damage. You know what they said today? They said all the oil that spilled this month is on the house. No charge.” –Jay Leno

“And a new study shows that fathers can suffer a form of postpartum depression after their child is born, especially if they’re John Edwards.” –Jay Leno

“A new poll found that 43 percent of Americans think President Obama is doing a good job at handling the BP oil spill. Of course, the same poll found that 43 percent of Americans hate pelicans.” –Jimmy Fallon

“And today at a press conference, Obama said that the government does not have better technology than BP. That’s a nice thing to announce to the world, that our government has fewer resources than a company that tried to plug a hole with a ‘top hat.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Earlier today, British Petroleum began this operation known as ‘top kill,’ which comes on the heels of their previous operations, ‘fish kill’ and ‘bird kill.’” –Jay Leno

“And now, here’s something that’s going to get a lot of people upset. It turns out according to a report by the Interior Department Inspector General, employees of the Federal agency that inspects these offshore oil rigs accepted gifts from the oil companies. And you know who arranged the payoffs? Fergie.” –Jay Leno

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“The Pulitzer Prize for fiction was handed out today, given to Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal for his Vietnam War memoir.” –Jay Leno

“Well, that’s the big story in Connecticut. Their attorney general, Richard Blumenthal, who was considered a shoo-in for his race for the U.S. Senate, is now under fire for claiming that he served in Vietnam when he really didn’t. Turns out he has no war record at all. In fact, only combat experience? Shooting himself in the foot.” –Jay Leno

“Well, the truth is he got five deferments, like Dick Cheney. Then he used connections to get into a special reserve unit, like George Bush. And he would have been fine, if he hadn’t lied like John Edwards.” –Jay Leno

“Some good news today for Blumenthal. Because of all the trouble he’s in for lying, he was offered a job as spokesman for British Petroleum.” –Jay Leno

“Thousands of bees swarmed the White House on Sunday morning. And President Obama doesn’t miss a trick. He is smart. Because all these bees were worker bees, he’s now counted them as 10,000 new jobs he’s created.” –Jay Leno

“Another show canceled right here at CBS, ‘The Ghost Whisperer.’ Every week, the ghost whisperer would run errands for dead people. This week, you tune in, she’s trying to find a job for Arlen Specter.” –David Letterman

“Eliot Spitzer may get his own show on CNN. It would be quite a switch for somebody else to be paying him for an hour.” –David Letterman

“In Louisiana, BP claims that it’s making progress with the leaking oil in the Gulf. They’re working on a plan to heat the Gulf up to 600 degrees and use it to fry chicken.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“During a speech in Ohio yesterday, President Obama reminded the crowd that the economy was much worse a year ago. Then the crowd reminded him that he was already president a year ago.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea.” –David Letterman

“A congressman from my home state of Indiana, Mark Souder, has been forced to resign because he was in a sex scandal. Finally, I’m no longer Indiana’s biggest embarrassment.” –David Letterman

“Have you heard about this guy, Richard Blumenthal? He’s a Democratic candidate for Senate in Connecticut. It turns out he actually lied about serving in Vietnam. Not good. In fact, today, he says he hasn’t got this much attention since he became the first man to walk on the moon.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Blumenthal lied about serving in Vietnam in several speeches, which I guess explains why his descriptions of the war sounded like Wikipedia entries.” –Jimmy Fallon

“British Petroleum is starting to get a little defensive. Have you heard their new slogan? ‘Yeah, like you never spilled anything before.’” –Jay Leno

“For the first time ever, an Arab-American woman has been named Miss U.S.A. Her name is Rima Fakih from Dearborn, Mich. She says she hopes winning this title will finally help get her name off the no-fly list.” –Jay Leno

“Well, at a rally in Arizona this weekend, Sarah Palin said, ‘We’re all Arizonans now’ — at which point, every immigrant in Arizona was like, ‘So, we can stay?’” – Jimmy Fallon

“In a new interview, BP’s CEO said that the Gulf Coast oil spill is relatively tiny compared to the ‘very big ocean.’ That’s like telling someone who’s just been shot not to worry about the bullet because they’re really, really fat.” –Jimmy Fallon

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“Well, earlier today, President Obama canceled the annual White House Easter Egg Hunt. Instead, the kids are going to be on the lawn of the White House drilling for oil.” –Jay Leno

“Well, here’s some good news for us. Iran’s top nuclear scientist has defected to the CIA and is now here in the United States. He’s now on our side. And he had some frightening information. He said Iran was just weeks away from developing their very own Toyota Prius.” –Jay Leno

“Hey, you guys, baseball season starts next week. And President Obama is going to throw out the first pitch at the Nationals game. Meanwhile, Joe Biden will be on hand to make the first error.” -Jimmy Fallon

“Do you know in Switzerland, in Geneva, scientists are celebrating? They have a multimillion-dollar atom-smasher that has given us new information on how the universe began. Couldn’t these scientists save some money and just ask Larry King?” –Craig Ferguson

“During a fundraising trip to California, some young Republicans took the Republican Party credit card to a club in Hollywood that has nude dancers doing bondage shows. Usually when Republicans find themselves in dark rooms with whips and chains, it’s in Dick Cheney’s basement. ” –Craig Ferguson

“It must be very embarrassing for the people involved. I’m sure the strippers didn’t want anyone to know they were hanging out with politicians.” –Craig Ferguson

“On the ‘Today’ show this morning, President Obama said that adjustments will need to be made to the new healthcare law. In fact, it’s getting so many adjustments, Obama’s now calling it the Heidi Montag of congressional bills.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan this past weekend. I guess after the last 14 months in Washington, he wanted to go someplace where there was less fighting.” –Jay Leno

“Pretty quick trip. In fact, it happened so fast, Joe Biden didn’t even have a chance to say something stupid about it.” –Jay Leno

“And, as you know, the people have spoken, but health care passed anyway.” –Jay Leno

“Osama bin Laden has released a new audiotape in which he threatens to kill Americans. You know, as opposed to his earlier, new-age motivational tape.” –Jay Leno

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“I think it was Bill Clinton who popularized the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy. But don’t confuse that with another Clinton policy — ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Hillary.’ That was a whole different policy.” –David Letterman

“Here is a historical fact. It was on this day in 1690, the first paper money was printed up in the colony of Massachusetts. The pilgrims realized that when they ran out of money, they could just print more. Thus, the federal government was born.” –Jay Leno

“At the town hall event, President Obama also said jobs will be our No. 1 focus in 2010. He then added, ‘Specifically, mine and Biden’s jobs.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Everybody’s talking about the military’s ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy. Admiral Mike Mullen said it’s wrong to force people to lie about who they are in order to serve their country. Then Congress was like: ‘Who cares? We do that every election.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Well, the Oscar nominations were announced today, you guys. Best-actor nominees included George Clooney for ‘Up in the Air,’ Jeremy Renner for ‘The Hurt Locker,’ and President Obama for the ‘State of the Union.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“I read in The New York Times that the Obama administration is planning huge changes to President Bush’s ‘No Child Left Behind’ law. The new law will be called, ‘Let’s Face It, Some Kids Are Just Duds.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Obama administration has reversed itself and is now considering moving the trial of the 9/11 terrorists out of Manhattan after protests from Congress and the mayor of New York. See, they’re going to do an Off Broadway version first, see if people like it. See, then if it does well, then they’ll bring it into the city.” –Jay Leno

“And of course, the terrorists — the terrorists, they want it in Manhattan. A jury of their peers?  Sure, a bunch of New York cab drivers. They’d get off like that.” –Jay Leno

“Osama bin Laden has released yet another audiotape message. Where does he find all these audiotapes, O.K.? You can’t even buy audiotapes anymore. I mean, is there a tiny country in the Middle East called Radioshackistan? Is that where they’re coming from? Where do you — we can’t even play them. We don’t have machines that old.” –Jay Leno

“Great Britain and America now have proposed a half-billion-dollar fund to create jobs for Taliban members who agree to lay down their arms. And if it works there, they’re going to offer the same deal to NBA players.” –Jay Leno

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“In Washington this week, of course, President Obama is expecting a visit from Santa Claus. Finally, an invited guest at the White House for a change.” –Jay Leno

“Of course, the storm is the big story, it is unbelievable. It actually paralyzed Washington more than Joe Lieberman. In fact, there was so much white powder in D.C., people thought Marion Barry was mayor again.” –Jay Leno

“Meteorologists are calling this a record blizzard, which makes sense if you think about it. Republicans have always said that the Senate would pass health care when hell freezes over, and apparently, it has!” –Jay Leno

“Democrats in Congress have scheduled a vote on health care for Christmas Eve. They said, this issue is so important, we’re willing to work even on Christmas Eve. You know, I think that’s great. I like that. I mean, anything that keeps drunk drivers off the road on Christmas Eve, you know, I think that’s terrific.” –Jay Leno

“This is big. The Senate is trying to pass health care by Christmas. They had to take a rare vote last night at 1:00 a.m. Yeah, they scheduled it for 1am because that’s when John McCain gets up to pee.” –Conan O’Brien

“I saw this today. President Obama said, ‘The federal government can no longer spend taxpayers’ money like it’s Monopoly money.’ Especially since now, Monopoly money is actually more valuable than the dollar.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Over the weekend, the U.S. transferred 12 Guantanamo detainees to their homelands of Afghanistan, Yemen and Somalia. Wait, we’re sending potential terrorists back to Afghanistan? That’s like dropping Roman Polanski off at a Jonas Brothers concert.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama has signed a new $1.1 trillion spending bill. See, the reason it’s called a spending bill is they get to spend it and we get the bill.” –Jay Leno

“Sources close to Tiger Woods say that he’s spending his days now eating cereal and watching cartoons. In other words, Tiger Woods has gone from living every man’s fantasy life, to living every man’s real life.” –Conan O’Brien

“The latest rumor is that Tiger Woods’ wife has decided to divorce him. Apparently, she realized that once she’s single she’ll have a better chance of sleeping with Tiger Woods.” –Conan O’Brien

“Today a judge issued an order that requires Tiger Woods to stay 90 feet away from mistletoe.” –David Letterman

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