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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, David Letterman, Conan O’Brien and Craig Ferguson:

“Mitt Romney is getting some heat today for something he said on CNN. He said he’s not concerned about the very poor. I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to say that out loud. Romney said the quote was taken out of context. And that he absolutely cares about the poor. In fact, his campaign bus runs on the tears of the poor.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“In Florida, Mitt Romney won the Republican presidential primary election. He beat Newt Gingrich handily. Political analysts believe that elderly voters in Florida rejected Newt Gingrich because of fears that he would eventually leave them for a younger state.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon.” –David Letterman

“Romney won Florida. Have you taken a good look at Romney and his wife? They look like a couple in a Levitra commercial.” –David Letterman

“Mitt is the guy you think you look like. Newt is the guy you actually look like.” –David Letterman

“Not a great day for Mitt Romney. He put his foot in his mouth. He said in an interview, quote, ‘I’m not concerned about the very poor.’ Is anybody even trying to win this thing?” –Craig Ferguson

“To be fair, to Mitt Romney the ‘very poor’ means anyone who doesn’t use a solid gold toilet.” –Craig Ferguson

‎”Mitt didn’t just beat Newt Gingrich, he stomped him by a devastating 14 percent margin. Fourteen percent! That is higher than Mitt’s tax rate.” –Stephen Colbert

“A woman in Illinois is auctioning off a 2005 Chrysler that once belonged to President Obama. You could tell it was Obama’s car because it gets off to a fast start and then stalls for the next three years.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich is not conceding Florida. He said that Florida has made it clear that this is a two-person race. Yeah, Mitt Romney and Barack Obama.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney’s campaign will start getting Secret Service protection this week. That’s just to protect him from Newt Gingrich.” –Jay Leno

“More problems for Newt Gingrich; he’s now been told that he cannot legally use ‘Eye of the Tiger’ anymore, so he’s switching back to Viagra.” –Jay Leno

“This is real; Newt Gingrich is being sued by the guy who wrote the song, ‘Eye of the Tiger.’ He’s using it in his campaign. Gingrich says he wants the song because he’s a big fan of Rocky. He loves Rocky. Did he see the movie? Didn’t Rocky lose to the black guy? Hello. Isn’t that what happened? Am I wrong?” –Jay Leno

“According to USA Today, more Chinese tourists are coming to America. They get to see things they’ve never seen before: the Grand Canyon, the Statue of Liberty, adults working in factories.” –Jay Leno

“The agriculture department says we now have the smallest cattle population in 60 years. That shows you how fat we’re getting. We’re close to putting cows on the endangered species list.” –Jay Leno

“It’s the first day of Black History Month. So if you’re watching me right now, it means you have completely missed the point.” –Conan O’Brien

“It’s being reported that California needs to raise $3 billion by March. This according to California State Treasurer Nicolas Cage.” –Conan O’Brien

“The government may be legally required to release a video of the Osama bin Laden killing. For some reason it co-stars Katherine Heigl.” –Conan O’Brien

“Despite his big loss in Florida Newt Gingrich vows to stay in the GOP race. And we all know when Newt takes a vow he really sticks with it.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama has been working on a new plan to boost tourism in America by making it easier for foreigners to get into the United States. We have that already. It’s called Mexico.” –Jay Leno

“After he wowed the crowd at the Apollo Theater with his singing voice, producers at ‘American Idol’ have invited President Obama to sing on their show this season. Not to be outdone, Ron Paul’s book will be appraised on the next edition of ‘Antiques Roadshow.’” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney went to a McDonald’s and ordered burgers and fries and apparently everything was going well until Romney asked the cashier if she could break a $1 million bill.” –Conan O’Brien

“Studies are showing that Republican candidates are buying a lot of their ad time on the Weather Channel. You can tell because last night, the weatherman blamed the cold front on immigration and gay marriage.” –Conan O’Brien

“The government may be legally required to release the video of Osama bin Laden’s killing. President Obama said this would be unhelpful, inflammatory, and ‘Could you please release it two days before the election?’” –Conan O’Brien

“The Associated Press reports that China is greatly expanding its state television station. This is really good news for China’s No. 1 reality TV show, ‘Toddlers Making Tiaras.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Rick Santorum says Newt Gingrich is too hot, Mitt Romney is too cold, but he’s the ‘Goldilocks candidate.’ Yes, nothing gets voters excited like comparing yourself to tepid porridge.” –Craig Ferguson

“A lot of people want Gingrich and Romney to continue their attacks on each other all the way to the convention. These people are called Democrats.” –Craig Ferguson

“Newt Gingrich has been attacking Mitt Romney for being wealthy and having money in bank accounts in the Cayman Islands. See, that’s when you know you’re part of the top 1 percent, when your bank’s address has the word ‘island’ in it.” –Jay Leno

“But, Romney says he is not a creature of Washington. He has lived in the real streets of America. I believe it’s Easy Street, if I’m not mistaken.” –Jay Leno

“In fact, when Mitt Romney was young, he and his gang controlled their hood’s hedge fund.” –Jay Leno

“Ron Paul was not in Florida, he was campaigning up in Maine. They think he was afraid that if he went to Florida, they’d grab him and put him in an old folks home.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday, Newt Gingrich accused Mitt Romney of running a dishonest campaign. Oh shut up! These are politicians. It’s like Willie Nelson yelling at Snoop Dogg for smoking dope. Shut up!” –Jay Leno

“Now, Senator John McCain has gotten into the act; McCain says that the Republican debates have turned into mud wrestling. To which Herman Cain said, “I knew I got out too soon!” –Jay Leno

“Over the weekend, Herman Cain announced that he is endorsing Newt Gingrich. Well sure, adulterers like to stick together. You never know when you need an alibi. You cover for me, I’ll cover for you.” –Jay Leno

“Today, Snoop Dog endorsed Ron Paul for president. Snoop said he likes Paul’s positions on everything from legalizing pot … to legalizing pot.” ” –Conan O’Brien

“A newspaper study shows that Republican candidates are buying a lot of ad time on the Weather Channel. … In fact, whenever the forecast calls for rain, they pay the weathermen to say, ‘Thanks a lot, Obama.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Obama goes for the youth vote answering young peoples’ questions on YouTube today. As result, Obama’s new poll numbers are 55% ‘LOL’ and 45% ‘Totally Gay.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Newt Gingrich picked up an endorsement from Herman Cain. It’s not unlike getting Carrot Top’s endorsement for an Academy Award.” –Jimmy Kimmel

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay leno, David Letterman, Conan O”Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, and Jimmy Fallon:

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi says she has dirt on Newt Gingrich, but so far she’s keeping her lips sealed — because that’s how the last surgeon left them. –Conan O’Brien

Olive Garden announced they’re undergoing a makeover to try to increase business. They’re so desperate they’re even considering serving Italian food. –Conan O’Brien

A new website just came out that’s designed to calculate how long it takes Mitt Romney to earn your salary. So from now on, whenever Mitt Romney is running late, he can call there and say, “I’ll be there in five teachers.” –Conan O’Brien

What’s interesting is in the time it took you to think about that joke, Mitt Romney made $65 million. –Conan O’Brien

President Obama gave his annual State of the Union address last night in Washington, D.C. Did the Supreme Court justices really need to wear their robes to that? –Jimmy Kimmel

There’s a new episode of “American Idol” on tonight. Tonight’s auditions were held in aspen. Where else better to find talent than a snowbound town that’s 400 miles by icy road to the nearest city? ? –Jimmy Kimmel

Facebook users probably know, in September, the site unveiled the Facebook profile page, which they call “timeline.” Or more fittingly, “waste of timeline.” ? –Jimmy Kimmel

It’s revolutionary because it allows your friends and co-workers to see drunken photographs of you, not just from last night, but from any point in your existence. ? –Jimmy Kimmel

Mitt Romney released his tax records and they showed that he earned$42 million over the last two years. So now the other candidates aren’t running for president. They’re running to be Mitt Romney. –Conan O’Brien

Google Plus has introduced a new policy that allows nicknames. Unfortunately, it’s a nickname they give you based on your search history. –Conan O’Brien

Here in California, some Starbucks stores have begun selling beer and wine. When asked why, a spokesperson for Starbucks said, “Because sober people don’t buy Michael Buble CDs.” –Conan O’Brien

Nick Nolte was nominated for Best Supporting Actor. It’s his first major nomination since 2002, when he was nominated for Most Maniacal Mug Shot. –Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama gave his annual State of the Union address. And the State of the Union for 2012 is Kentucky. Congratulations. –Jimmy Kimmel

There’s a State of the Union drinking game. Let me just say this, if you really are playing the State of the Union drinking game, you’re probably an alcoholic. –Jimmy Kimmel

Obama focused on four areas he believes are the keys to restoring economic security. Energy, manufacturing, education, and TV shows about cupcakes, which we love. –Jimmy Kimmel

Scientists announced that they have detected a brand new subatomic particle. This particle is so tiny it is actually smaller than the income tax rate paid by Mitt Romney. –Jay Leno

The San Francisco subway system was shut down when some idiot drove an SUV into a subway tunnel. Boy, that Italian cruise ship captain is having a bad week. –Jay Leno

More details are coming out about the Italian cruise ship disaster. It seems the chef on board the ship says the captain ordered dinner after the crash. And here’s the worst part — he ordered it to go. –Jay Leno

That guy has brought more shame to the Italian people than Olive Garden. –Jay Leno

President Obama was addressing some dignitaries at Disney World. They even put the pants on Donald Duck. –David Letterman

I find it fascinating that your average automobile has a better navigation system than an Italian cruise ship. –David Letterman

That Italian captain is a regular Sully Sullenberger, isn’t he? Instead of landing a plane on water, he landed a ship on rocks. –David Letterman

President Obama wants to remind Americans of the things he has taken care of — bin Laden, adios. Gadhafi, bye-bye. And Regis is gone. –David Letterman

President Obama was in Disney World to introduce a new plan to boost tourism in the United States. And also because the Mickey Mouse ears fit perfectly over his real ones. –Jimmy Kimmel

During a debate, Mitt Romney said he grew up in the real streets of America. Yes, the real streets, where people pull up next to you and ask if you have any Grey Poupon. –Jimmy Kimmel

Gingrich is lining up impressive endorsements. Todd Palin, Gary Busey, and now, Chuck Norris. I’ll tell you, his endorsements could beat up Mitt Romney’s endorsements. –Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday in Florida, President Obama kissed a woman on the cheek after she told him he looks good. Which explains why last night, Michelle made him sleep on Air Mattress One. –Jimmy Fallon

There’s a new Facebook app that will post a final status update for you after you die. That’s ridiculous. I don’t need someone to change my status when I die. I need them to water my Farmville crops. . –Jimmy Fallon

The Baltimore Ravens will travel to New England to take on the Patriots. When asked if they were excited for the game, quoth the Ravens, “Nevermore.” . –Jimmy Fallon

A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for warmth. Today he was offered a job as President Obama’s economic adviser. –Jay Leno

President Obama was in Disney World today where he unveiled his new plan to create jobs. He was joined by Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse but not Goofy. He had to stay behind to tend to his vice presidential duties. –Jay Leno

You know why President Obama chose Disney World? It was the only place with longer lines than the unemployment office, so it looks better. –Jay Leno

A McDonald’s restaurant had a rat hopping around on the hamburger buns. They were quick to apologize. They said the rat was supposed to be in the fries. –David Letterman

I saw the videotape of the rat hopping around on the buns. The rat is wearing a hair net, so . . –David Letterman

Texas Governor Rick Perry officially dropped out of the race for president. Yeah, he just couldn’t get over that one campaign hurdle — you know, talking. –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama aired his first campaign ad of 2012, which promotes his record on clean energy. Obama’s a big environmentalist. In fact, for the election he plans to recycle the same promises he made four years ago. –Jimmy Fallon

Next week Obama will visit Iowa, Arizona, Las Vegas, Denver, and Detroit. Not because he’s campaigning, just because all he could afford was a Southwest flight with a bunch of layovers. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that 68 percent of Americans are overweight or obese. While the rest are both. –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson:

“Mitt Romney, whose father was born in Mexico, is now talking up his Mexican heritage. Not to be outdone today, Newt Gingrich said he once cheated on one of his wives with a woman named Juanita.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama will be going to Disney World where he’ll unveil his new plan to create jobs. And what better place for the president to talk about his jobs plan than Fantasyland?” –Jay Leno

“Sen. John McCain told Sean Hannity that choosing Sarah Palin was still the best decision he ever made. Well, today the Arizona DMV took away his driver’s license.” –Jay Leno

“A cardiologist now says that former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards’ trial has to be delayed because Edwards has a life-threatening condition. Hey, don’t all husbands who cheat have a life-threatening condition?” –Jay Leno

“Because of a protest, starting at midnight, Wikipedia is going to shut down for 24 hours. In fact, it’s 11:05, so you have less than one hour to get most of your facts wrong.” –Conan O’Brien

“At the last Republican debate, Mitt Romney talked about his love of hunting. In fact, Romney said on his last hunting trip, he shot three dear and fired two elk.” –Conan O’Brien

“King Jung Nam, the brother of North Korean leader Kim Jung Un, said that as a leader his younger brother will fail. When he heard this, Kim Jung Un was so upset at his older brother, he yelled, ‘I’m telling Kim Jung Mom.’” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is visiting Disney World on Thursday to promote a new plan to boost tourism. Of course, it’s going to be awkward when he walks into the ‘Hall of Presidents’ and sees them making room for Mitt Romney.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Obama doesn’t pay admission to Disney World. He just charges it to the China section of Epcot.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The State Department issued a new travel warning yesterday, urging U.S. citizens to avoid Syria. Yeah, it was part of a new set of warnings called, ‘Things you were probably doing already.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Jon Huntsman has dropped out of the race for president to return to his former job as the guy in the picture that comes with the frame.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“At the first Republican debate, they were standing behind podiums, then they had them at a round table, and then one night they had them in bunk beds.” –David Letterman

“Wikipedia is going dark to protest a bill that’s before Congress. I know what you’re thinking: ‘If Wikipedia is dark, who’ll supply America with bogus facts?’” –Craig Ferguson

“This SOPA bill is aimed at going after Internet pirates. Not old-school pirates, but the modern pirates, who use hard drives.” –Craig Ferguson

“On one hand, this bill threatens free speech, the bedrock on which this country is founded. On the other hand, it’s supported by Viacom, which owns CBS.” –Craig Ferguson

“The bill was cooked up by big studios who want larger fines for websites connected to piracy. People wonder why Hollywood makes such crappy movies and TV shows. It’s because they spend all their time preventing people from stealing the crap they’ve already made.” –Craig Ferguson

There’s a new app that lets you post a message on Facebook after you die. Now you can finish off that message you were typing right before you got into the head-on collision. -Jay Leno

According to a Washington Post poll, 84 percent of Americans do not approve of the way Congress is doing its job. Sixteen percent weren’t even aware Congress is doing a job. -Jay Leno

An intelligence officer with the Canadian armed forces has been arrested for passing Canadian military secrets to a terrorist group. I don’t know what’s more shocking, the fact that he did that or that Canada has military secrets. -Jay Leno

To protest an Internet censorship law, Wikipedia has shut down for 24 hours. So if anyone is trying to look up by bio on Wikipedia, I’m 31, an Olympic medalist, and married to Scarlett Johansson. –Conan O’Brien

To help working mothers in Indonesia, a company is providing breast milk couriers. What happens is the courier takes the milk from the factory where the mother works and takes it to the factory where the baby works. –Conan O’Brien

They found an opossum on the subway, and not only that, but in the opossum’s pouch, they found a loaded weapon. –David Letterman

Here’s what we know about the opossum. What they do is pretend to play dead so predators will leave them alone. Well, isn’t that everybody on the subway?  –David Letterman

From nose to tail, it was two feet long. And it was so big, at first the transit authority thought it was a small New York City rat.  –David Letterman

President Obama took Michelle out to a steak restaurant for her birthday, marking the first time in months the words “Obama” and “well done” appeared in the same sentence. –Jimmy Fallon

Last week, a British Airways crew mistakenly told passengers that their plane was about to crash into the ocean. They made an even scarier announcement later: “Your in-flight movie will be ‘Yogi Bear.’” –Jimmy Fallon

Yeah, the crew told passengers their plane was about to crash, but it turns out a flight attendant hit the wrong button. I don’t know what’s worse — getting lied to about crashing into the ocean, or knowing it happens so often there’s a button for it. –Jimmy Fallon

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day, a day everyone in my studio audience decided to celebrate by seeing the whitest man on television. –Conan O’Brien

According to a study, the third Monday in January is the most depressing day of the year. Yeah, especially if you’re a Broncos fan who supports Jon Huntsman. –Conan O’Brien

One of the products unveiled at the Consumers Electronics Show is a remote for your television that you control with your mind. When you think “on,” it turns on the TV. When you stop thinking completely, it turns on “Jersey Shore.” –Conan O’Brien

From 1934 to 1963, the biggest criminals in America ended up on Alcatraz. Nowadays they end up on Wall Street. –Craig Ferguson

Some of the guys who escaped from Alcatraz made dummies of their heads and put them in their beds to fool the guards. I did the same thing here last time I interviewed Regis Philbin. He never figured it out. –Craig Ferguson

The most famous Alcatraz inmates are probably Al Capone and Machine Gun Kelly. But I think Machine Gun Kelly was destined for a life of crime. –Craig Ferguson

Some big election news. Jon Huntsman has officially dropped out of the 2012 presidential race. Wow, not having Jon Huntsman on the campaign trail is gonna be like . . . Well, it’s gonna be like having Jon Huntsman on the campaign trail. –Jimmy Fallon

During a campaign event on Saturday, Mitt Romney reached into his pocket and gave cash to a woman who said she was broke. Which got awkward, when she was like, “I’m also lonely!” –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, David Letterman and Conan O’Brien:

“Political analysts are saying that Mitt Romney is having trouble generating enthusiasm among Iowa voters. Now, ladies and gentlemen, you know you have a problem when people in Iowa find you dull.” –Conan O’Brien

“There’s a plan for the Pentagon to cut almost half a trillion dollars from the military. The Pentagon plans to pay for future wars by divorcing Kobe Bryant.” –Conan O’Brien

“Today are the Republican Iowa caucuses. Or, as it’s also known, ‘old white guy Mardi Gras.’” –Conan O’Brien

“They say the Iowa caucuses are very important because they are predictors of the Academy Awards.” –David Letterman

“Forty percent of the people of Iowa are undecided about who to select as a Republican candidate for president. Thank goodness we have three dozen more debates.” –David Letterman

“I hope you all had a good holiday. I was in Scotland. I enjoy going back to the country where I was born. That must be what it feels like when Barack Obama visits Kenya.” –Craig Ferguson

“The new ruler of North Korea is Kim Jong Il’s son. That’s an amazing coincidence. The elections must have gone very quickly.” –Craig Ferguson

“The U.S. government is selling $30 billion worth of fighter jets to Saudi Arabia. Yeah, it’s part of a new initiative called, ‘Operation Regret This In Five Years.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama’s campaign has released a highlight reel of his top moments from 2011. The video’s a little weird. Halfway through, it’s taped over by Joe Biden’s recording of ‘Yo Gabba Gabba.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“2012 is supposed to be the year the world ends. Have you seen the national debt? If the world doesn’t end, we are so screwed.” –Jay Leno

Police have detained a suspect in a huge string of arson attacks. This guy was going around Los Angeles setting dozens of cars on fire. And he was setting the cars on fire the old-fashioned way: without a Lakers championship. –Jay Leno

The car owners whose cars were burned were really upset, except for the people that owned Kias. They were thrilled. –Jay Leno

It turns out the suspect in the arson fires is a German man who is upset about his mother’s immigration status. Apparently his mom didn’t know you could just walk over from Mexico. –Jay Leno

Rick Santorum’s campaign is celebrating the Iowa caucuses with a pizza party. Here’s the embarrassing part: It was delivered by Herman Cain. –Jay Leno

I have a New Year’s resolution. This is absolutely the last year I buy another one of those stupid Mayan calendars, okay? –Jay Leno

According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When’s the last time you even ran into a Mayan? –Jay Leno

Experts say traffic deaths are down because the bad economy means more cars are being repossessed, and all the unemployment means we don’t have as many people driving to work. So you know what that means? The White House economic plan is also their highway safety plan. –Jay Leno

Michele Bachmann pulled out of the presidential race and I just want to take a moment and say that Michele gave us a lot of material over the last eight months. –Conan O’Brien

In her concession speech, Bachmann said, “I mean what I say.” Then she thanked her speech writer, Popeye. –Conan O’Brien

There’s already controversy with the Iowa caucuses. About a half hour ago, they found eight more votes for Al Gore. –David Letterman

So now that Michele O’Bachmann is out, that leaves Mitt Romney with best hairdo. –David Letterman

How about that Rick Santorum? He came in second because he is the anti-Romney. Wait a minute. I thought Mitt Romney was the anti-Romney. –David Letterman

Last night, Rick Perry said was quitting the race. But then this morning, he said he’s staying in. Hmm. Going back on his word? Maybe he’d make a good president after all. –Craig Ferguson

They say the day people go back to work after the holidays was the most depressing day of the year. Funny thing. People who don’t have jobs are depressed because they don’t have one and those of us who do are depressed that we do. –Jimmy Kimmel

According to new poll done by “60 minutes,” 2 percent of voters believe that Mitt Romney’s real name, his real first name, is Mittens. That’s true. If Romney legally changes his name to Mittens, he’s got my vote. –Jimmy Kimmel

Dakota Fanning is on the cover of the new Cosmo. She’s only 17. To be on the cover of Cosmo, shouldn’t you be old enough to drink one? –Jimmy Kimmel

France apparently passed a new law that makes it harder to become a French citizen. Most people just get lazy and give up. At which point they’re named a French citizen. –Jimmy Fallon

A 99-year-old man is filing for divorce from his 96-year-old wife, making them the world’s oldest divorced couple. It’s got to be weird when a divorce lawyer is fighting for your kids to get custody of you. –Jimmy Fallon

A man in Maryland says a flashlight on his iPhone helped save his life after he got lost during a hike. If you think that’s cool, this morning the “Angry Birds” app on my iPhone helped save me from three awkward conversations in the elevator. –Jimmy Fallon

The History Channel is planning a new 12-hour miniseries about the evolution of humans. And this is convenient. If you missed the episode on Neanderthals, you can just watch the season premiere of “Jersey Shore” this Thursday at 10:00 p.m. –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and David Letterman:

Rick Perry has made so many gaffes lately, it is hard to tell if he’s running against President Obama or Joe Biden. –Jay Leno

Ron Paul is in favor of letting states legalize marijuana, prostitution, and cocaine. So even if he doesn’t win, that’s going to be one heck of an election night party. –Jay Leno

Employees at Pepsi who smoke have to pay $50 a month more for health insurance because of their risk to their personal health. Even worse, employees who drink Pepsi have to pay $100 a month. –Jay Leno

According to a Gallup survey, the average American man now weighs 196 pounds. The average American woman weighs 160 pounds. That’s up from 142 pounds just 11 years ago. You know what that means? Our fattest Americans have been eating the skinniest ones. –Jay Leno

According to a new survey, 75 percent of employees would rather get a cash bonus than spend time with coworkers at a holiday party. All I can say to my staff is, “I will see you at the holiday party.” –Conan O’Brien

A special Christmas episode of “Glee” featured Chewbacca. I thought that was weird because I always thought C-3PO was the gay one. –Conan O’Brien

Parents in a Connecticut town are upset because their children’s’ bus driver told the kids that Santa Claus is not real and that Jesus wasn’t born on Christmas. Then the kids got really upset when the driver told them, “And I don’t have a driver’s license.” –Conan O’Brien

Pippa Middleton made the list of Barbara Walters’ Most Fascinating People. Who could be more fascinating than someone who’s the sister of someone who married someone who’s famous for just being born? –Craig Ferguson

Some people are objecting to Donald Trump being included in the list. Not me. I’m glad someone is finally giving Trump a forum so he can express himself and get some attention. –Craig Ferguson

Barbara has been doing these specials for a long time. The first time she hosted, the No. 1 most fascinating person was Socrates. –Craig Ferguson

Rick Perry said there were eight supreme court justices instead of nine. But, in his defense, he did know there were only three judges on “Dancing With the Stars.” –Jay Leno

Perry also said the Obama administration sent $500 million to the “country of Solyndra.” If an energy company was a country, don’t you think we would’ve invaded it by now? –Jay Leno

Iran is now in possession of an American drone. When I heard that I thought, “Oh, my god, they captured Joe Biden?” –Jay Leno

According to a new survey, some people are waiting until after Christmas to do their holiday shopping. Yeah, these people are known as men. –Conan O’Brien

Newt Gingrich released a statement promising he would not cheat on his wife. Even better, he said he wouldn’t cheat on his next wife either, or the one after that. –Conan O’Brien

Pope Benedict announced he’s going to visit Mexico sometime next year. He will bring with him a message of hope for all the Mexican people. And then he will come to Los Angeles and give the same message to even more Mexican people. –Jay Leno

I looked all over Hollywood today and I was unable to find a partridge in a pear tree. But I did find a pigeon in a homeless person’s beard. –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald trump announced this morning that he will not serve as moderator at the GOP debate that was scheduled for Dec. 27. He said he had to cancel the debate because he may want to run as an independent candidate — and because only two of the GOP candidates decided to show up. –Jimmy Kimmel

This guy is something. He’s committed to the debate, he’s not committed; he’s running, he’s not running; he’s in, he’s out. What does he think this is, one of his marriages? –Jimmy Kimmel

It was so cold in Texas that death row inmates are cutting in line just to get the electric chair. –Jay Leno

In Hawaii this weekend, someone stole Lindsay Lohan’s purse with $10,000 in it. This was the second time the purse was stolen if you count the first time Lindsay grabbed it, you know. –Jay Leno

Luckily, she got the purse back, but the $10,000 was missing. It turns out the guy who stole it needed the money to pay off a bet with Mitt Romney. –Jay Leno

Mitt Romney tried to make a $10,000 bet with Rick Perry during a presidential debate. Well, who says the Republicans are rich snobs out of touch with the common man? –Jay Leno

A guy went loose in a mall in New Hampshire smashing things with a hammer and he’s charged with feeling like we all do in a mall around Christmas time. . –Conan O’Brien

Many voters feel that Mitt Romney is out of touch with real Americans after he tried to make a bet with Rick Perry for $10,000. When asked to comment, Mitt said, “I’m sorry, but that’s all I had in my pocket at the time.” . –Conan O’Brien

Iran announced it will not return the American spy drone it recently captured. Yeah, they’re also refusing to return the Limp Bizkit album they borrowed 10 years ago. . –Conan O’Brien

Today was Green Monday, one of the busiest online shopping days of the year. I’ll give you an idea of how busy it was. I was on the Wal-Mart website and I was pepper sprayed. –David Letterman

A woman was making meth in a Wal-Mart. But you know, it’s nice to know that something in Wal-Mart is made in America. –David Letterman

A lot of packages this time of year get lost. That’s awful. You’re promised something great. You wait and wait and wait. But nothing good ever comes. It’s like voting for Obama. –Craig Ferguson

Schools here in Los Angeles aren’t allowing Santa Claus to come into the schools anymore. Not because of religious reasons, but they claim he’s wearing gang colors. –Jay Leno

President Obama celebrated Hanukkah at the White House last night. He lit the menorah, and then Vice President Joe Biden came in sang happy birthday, and blew out all of the candles. –Jay Leno

A global study released just today found that happiness does not increase with the rate of economic growth. To which President Obama said, “See? That’s what I’ve been trying to tell people.” –Jay Leno

President Obama said he is “very concerned” about the European debt crisis. While Joe Biden said he is quote “very concerned” about the drop in Nickelodeon’s ratings. –Jimmy Fallon

A woman in Oklahoma was arrested for making meth inside a Wal-Mart. Or as Wal-Mart put it, “Told you we had everything!” –Jimmy Fallon

A man in Russia is filing for divorce, claiming that he doesn’t remember ever getting married. Yeah, it’s like the wedding never happened — which explains his name, Vladimir Kardashian. –Jimmy Fallon

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(My computer was down last week so I didn’t get to post these jokes like I usually do on Friday, so here they are now.)

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel:

“Republican candidate Rick Perry is denying rumors that his top advisers are being demoted. Yep, Perry was like, ‘I want to make it clear that at no point in this campaign have I had any advisers.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“After two months, the LAPD broke up the Occupy protest outside city hall here in Los Angeles last night. Surprisingly, the police didn’t find any drugs on the premises, which means that the police are not very good at finding drugs.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Speaking of NBC, did you guys see this? Last night, Brian Williams continued with the ‘NBC Nightly News’ while a high-pitched fire alarm went off in the studio. Yeah, he kept talking over a loud screeching sound – or as that’s also known, ‘The View.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“I don’t know if you know the Occupy L.A. protesters have been evicted. They all were evicted. As of this morning, according to reports, and all that was left of their campsite was trash, empty tents and the smell of urine. Then someone pointed out that was not Occupy Los Angeles, that was Gary Busey’s house.” –Conan O’Brien

“Congress may allow Americans to start selling horse meat for human consumption. When they heard the news, McDonald’s unveiled their new breakfast offering, the Sea Biscuit biscuit.” –Conan O’Brien

“How many of you are here just because you got kicked out of Occupy L.A.? The police shut down the camp, so it’s time for the homeless people to go back to the public library where they belong. And at last the park can be returned to its rightful owners, crack salesmen.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Riot police arrested hundreds of people outside city hall, still less violent than Black Friday at every Walmart in America.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Occupy L.A. encampment is over and with it, the world’s longest hacky sack game comes to an end. Meanwhile, in New York tonight, the annual lighting of the Christmas tree. A dozen protesters are living in the tree right now. ” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Herman Cain said he’d only drop out of the race if his wife is no longer behind him. His wife said she’s always behind him, because there’s never any room under him.” –Conan O’Brien

“Three wealthy investors who are already worth millions won the $254 million Powerball jackpot.  In a related story, everyone’s head at Occupy Wall Street just exploded.” –Conan O’Brien

“With Herman Cain we’re up to he said, she said, she said, she said, she said, and she was paid not to say.” –Stephen Colbert

“President Obama will attend three fundraisers in New York City tomorrow to raise money for his re-election campaign. Seriously? How about holding a fundraiser to raise money for the United States?” –Jimmy Fallon

“I just saw this. Vice President Biden will travel to Turkey to speak at an economic summit. When he heard he was giving a speech to Turkey, Biden was like, ‘I am SO sorry about Thanksgiving.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“A woman said she had an affair with Herman Cain that lasted 13 years. I don’t know who the accuser is, but I think we can rule out Kim Kardashian.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Herman Cain is making news again. His poll numbers are down, but the number of women he’s polling is up.” –Jay Leno

“Herman Cain is now reassessing his candidacy. Apparently between his marriage, his mistresses and sexually harassing these other women, there’s no time to campaign.” –Jay Leno

“A woman in Southern California pepper sprayed her fellow customers on Black Friday at Wal-Mart so she could get an advantage while shopping. But the good news is, today she was offered a job with the UC Davis police department.” –Jay Leno

“The Christmas season has officially started. Today I saw Herman Cain wearing his mistletoe belt buckle.” –Jay Leno

“A woman claims she had a 13-year affair with Herman Cain. You know what that means? While he was fooling around with those four other women, he was cheating on his mistress.” –Jay Leno

“Well, the inside talk is that Sarah Palin is going to endorse Newt Gingrich. If you think Newt is happy, you should see Mitt Romney.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney admitted in People magazine that as a teenager he experimented with alcohol and cigarettes. He said at that age he could have gone either way…much like his political positions today.” –Jay Leno

“It’s Cyber Monday, when everyone shops online. As soon as I woke up I pepper sprayed myself.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama went shopping and he wandered into a book store. Rick Perry said, ‘When I’m president, that will never happen. There will be no book stores.’” –Conan O’Brien

“In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States.” –Craig Ferguson

“Over the weekend, President Obama took his daughters to a bookstore. Barack bought Malia ‘The Phantom Tollbooth,’ while Malia bought Barack ‘Economics for Dummies.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right, Obama bought eight books for Sasha and Malia. Yeah, I was reading all about it on China’s credit card statement.” –Jimmy Fallon

“I just heard about a woman in Germany who just gave birth to a baby boy named ‘Jihad.’ Or as the TSA put it, ‘Hope you like Amtrak!’” –Jimmy Fallon

Facebook could be going public, sparking one of the largest initial public offerings ever, which will value the company at over $100 billion. And MySpace also has some exciting news. They too are hoping to boost profits by having a bake sale this weekend which could bring in as much as $35. –Jay Leno

Authorities have discovered what they call the most sophisticated tunnel ever found underneath the U.S.-Mexican border, being built by a Mexican drug cartel. And Gov. Rick Perry asked the question we’re all asking: “Why can’t these tunnels be dug by hard-working American drug cartels?” –Jay Leno

I was in the supermarket today, and I saw some Occupy Wall Street protesters in the dairy department. They were protesting the 1 percent milk. –Jay Leno

One of the holiday decorations at the White House is a 400-pound gingerbread house. Isn’t that nice? And if front of that is a 400-pound ginger bread “foreclosed” sign. –Conan O’Brien

Los Angeles is being hit by some seriously strong winds at the moment. I’m just curious, how many people were here for “Two and a Half Men” and they got blown into this studio? –Conan O’Brien

In Utah a hunter was shot when his dog stepped on his shotgun. The dog later apologized and said, “Sorry, but you did neuter me.” –Conan O’Brien

There’s a man in Utah recovering from wounds after his dog shot him in the butt. The police think it’s because the man was wearing a Michael Vick jersey. –Craig Ferguson

It is the holiday season over at the White House. The theme for this year’s Christmas is “Shine, Give, Share.” While rumor is, the theme of next year’s White House Christmas will be “Clean, Pack, Move.” –Jimmy Fallon

Congress just lifted a ban on producing and exporting horse meat. Or as Taco Bell put it, “There was a ban on that?” –Jimmy Fallon

I heard that Facebook is in talks to launch an online gambling app next year. It’s a little weird. When you lose all your money, Facebook just repossesses your land on Farmville. –Jimmy Fallon

That’s right, Facebook is launching an online gambling app. Or you could just gamble the old-fashioned way: Get drunk and log onto Facebook. –Jimmy Fallon

High winds have been pummeling California for the last two days. It was so windy, all the women in Beverly Hills looked like Nancy Pelosi. –Jay Leno

The good news is, the unemployment rate has dropped to 8.6 percent. The bad news is, most of those require a sack, a red suit, and a beard. –Jay Leno

President Obama met with leaders of all the American Indian tribes. He promised to help tackle the challenges facing the Native American communities — like card counting. –Jay Leno

I think Herman Cain is getting a little desperate. He said if his wife forgives him, he’ll throw in free bread sticks, buffalo wings and a 2-liter of Pepsi. –Jay Leno

In a new interview, it’s revealed that Mitt Romney loves chocolate milk. While Rick Perry prefers milk like his poll numbers: 2 percent. –Jimmy Fallon

The Senate is doing its first-ever Secret Santa gift exchange this year. Yeah, there’s a $10 spending limit, but they plan to go $14 trillion over budget. –Jimmy Fallon

A police officer in Florida could lose her job after she tried to cast a spell on her boss. Yeah, when asked for comment, her boss was like, “Ribbit.” –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that Gmail users have the best credit, while people with Yahoo and Hotmail accounts have the worst credit. Or as people with AOL put it, “What’s credit?” –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, David Letterman, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel:

P.E.T.A. says that turkeys are now so fat, they can’t stand up. They’re prone to heart attacks, and they have trouble mating. No, I’m sorry. That’s what the turkeys say about us. –Jay Leno
Officials in New York City have arrested an al-Qaida sympathizer for allegedly planning a terrorist attack. You know, I hope al-Qaida gets the message. If we want to be terrorized over Thanksgiving, we have our relatives come visit us. –Jay Leno
Police say the suspect is a citizen who was originally from the Dominican Republic. Apparently, officials became suspicious when they found someone from the Dominican Republic living in New York and not playing for the Yankees. –Jay Leno
Herman Cain is the first Republican presidential candidate to get secret service protection. The level of protection a candidate gets depends on how well-known they are. For example, Jon Huntsman gets a 10-minute judo lesson and a plastic whistle. –Jay Leno
When are these Republican debates going to stop? I mean, this would be the very reason to call for a dictatorship, just to put an end to these. –David Letterman

The suspected New York City bomber’s mother apologized. She said she was terribly embarrassed by her son and the . . . Oh, sorry, that’s my mom. –David Letterman
There’s talk that Facebook is building its own smart phone. Not to be outdone, there’s talk that MySpace is refurbishing an old beeper. –Jimmy Fallon
Speaking of Facebook, a recent survey showed that the average Facebook user has never met 7 percent of their friends. The article came up in my newsfeed from my friend, the Dalai Lama. –Jimmy Fallon
Tonight was the 14th republican presidential debate, or as Barack Obama has started calling them, campaign ads. –Jimmy Fallon
Microsoft is apparently designing rooms for a hotel in France. You can tell the rooms are from Microsoft. Every time you open the window, they just freeze and need to be reinstalled. –Jimmy Fallon
This is the 14th Republican debate and there are still 12 more to go. The plan, I think, is to keep debating until somebody recognizes Rick Santorum on the street. –Jimmy Kimmel
Mitt Romney admitted in an interview, “I tasted a beer and tried a cigarette once as a wayward teenager and never did it again. This has the makings of the lamest “Behind the Music” special yet. –Jimmy Kimmel
If you think that’s bad, Jon Huntsman is now admitting that in college he experimented with parting his hair to the left. –Jimmy Kimmel
The star of the debate was Herman Cain. He didn’t talk much because the debate was about national defense and his area of expertise is pizza. –Jimmy Kimmel
Rick Perry attacked President Obama for thinking that he’s the smartest guy in the room. He attacked him for being smart. One thing’s for sure, nobody’s ever going to accuse Rick Perry of
that. –Jay Leno

A Fox News reporter asked Herman Cain what he thought of President Obama’s easing of travel restrictions to Cuba, and Cain accused him of asking a “gotcha” question. That’s when you know things are bad: When you’re attacking Fox News for being part of the liberal media. –Jay Leno

Energy Secretary Stephen Chu testified before Congress yesterday that he thought it was a good idea to lend $535 million of our tax dollars to the solar panel company Solyndra right before they went bankrupt. If he’d taken all of that money, put it in a big pile and set it on fire, it would have produced more energy than Solyndra. -Jay Leno

There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn’t share it with the rest of us. -Jay Leno

Rick Perry announced today to satisfy environmentalists he is now using solar power. And this is brilliant thinking, using solar power to run the Texas electric chair. –David Letterman

It’s Regis Philbin’s last day on the Regis show. I shouldn’t call it “the Regis show” because Kelly Ripa’s there. Two great hosts, but let’s be honest. One is mainly just eye candy. And the other one is Kelly Ripa. –Craig Ferguson

In New York, people actually camped out to see Regis’ last show. It looked like Occupy Wall Street. But Regis’ fans are a little bit older so it was more like Occupy Wal-Mart. –Craig Ferguson

The difference between a broadcaster and a host is that a host tells stories and dumb jokes, but a broadcaster can articulate deeper like, you know — things and stuff. –Craig Ferguson

I read that Texas Gov. Rick Perry has challenged Nancy Pelosi to a debate. Yeah, Perry got the idea when he was like, “I can’t remember. Am I good or bad at debates?” –Jimmy Fallon

Happy Birthday to Vice President Biden, who turns 69 this weekend! When they saw him coming, White House staffers turned off the lights, hid behind the couch, and then waited for him to leave. –Jimmy Fallon

A woman is suing Gary Busey over an incident in May where he drunkenly tackled her at an airport. When asked why he got drunk and tackled a stranger, Busey was like, “You’re gonna have to be more specific.” –Jimmy Fallon

Starbucks is planning to close down all the restrooms in its New York locations. Which explains the most popular new Starbucks order: An empty cup. –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman.

“Over the weekend in New York, two Occupy Wall Street protesters got married at the protest. They are registered at Bed, Bath, and Seriously, You Need to Take a Bath.” –Conan O’Brien

“Ron Paul’s campaign is upset because during last week’s Republican presidential debate, he only got to speak for 89 seconds. Meanwhile, Rick Perry’s campaign is upset because during last week’s debate, he got to speak.” –Conan O’Brien

“If we have to sit through any more of these Republican debates, I’m ready for a dictatorship.” –David Letterman

“I’m thinking Herman Cain doesn’t get it. He brought a date to the debate.” –David Letterman

“Cain also says that he’s in favor of waterboarding — as long as it is consensual.” –David Letterman

“People are still talking about Rick Perry’s memory lapse. And it happened a couple of months ago too, when he had trouble remembering the name of his hunting camp.” –David Letterman

“There was another Republican debate on Saturday, and listen to this: Ron Paul only got 89 seconds to speak. Seriously? Rick Perry gets more time than that to try to remember something.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman accused his Republican opponents of coming up with easy sound bites just to get applause. In response, Mitt Romney was like, ‘That is ridiculous. Clap if you like bacon!’” –Jimmy Fallon

People say Herman Cain was rambling and embarrassed himself while trying to answer a question about Libya. Some say it proves he’s not qualified to be president. But the good news is, rambling and embarrassing himself does qualify him to be vice president. -Jay Leno

Cain’s only real foreign policy experience is from when he ran the National Restaurant Association and had to deal with the manager from the International House of Pancakes. -Jay Leno

People attending a Rick Perry event in New Hampshire had to prove they were American citizens. They asked a math or science question and if you get it wrong, you were born here. -Jay Leno

Police in New York City cleared Zuccotti Park of the Occupy Wall Street protesters. Why don’t we let them occupy basketball arenas around the countries. We’re not using them. -Jay Leno

The woman who claimed that Justin Bieber fathered her baby has dropped her paternity suit. In other words, Justin had to find out where babies come from for nothing. –Conan O’Brien

Occupy Wall Street protesters are planning to occupy the subway in New York City. Because if there’s one place to confront the nation’s wealthiest 1 percent, it’s the subway. –Conan O’Brien

Regis Philbin is retiring this week and Vice President Joe Biden stopped by and gave Regis a gift of a bag of tennis balls. When I retire, don’t tell Joe Biden. –Conan O’Brien

Someone shot a bullet at the White House. The Secret Service ruled out Jon Huntsman because that guy has no shot at the White House. –Conan O’Brien

For the Occupy protesters, no more sleeping or no camping in New York City parks. Hooker, crack dealers, not a problem. –David Letterman

Protesters are also now demanding that Mayor Bloomberg be replaced by Billy Crystal. –David Letterman

President Obama is in Australia. When he’s in Australia, his approval ratings go down the toilet in a counter-clockwise motion. –Craig Ferguson

Obama was in Hawaii, now he’s in Australia, and then he’s going to Indonesia. I think he saw the Republican debates and thought, “This election will be a piece of cake. I’m going on vacation.” –Craig Ferguson

Obama said we’re sending 2,500 marines to Australia. They’re going for one reason: We’ve declared war on the dingoes. –Craig Ferguson

The Republican Presidential candidates have really been fighting for attention this week. In fact, Rick Perry proposed cutting the president’s salary in half. Yeah, Perry was like, “What do I care? It’s not like it’ll affect me!” –Jimmy Fallon

In a new interview, Herman Cain said that if Rick Perry were an ice cream flavor, he’d be “Rocky Road.” I don’t know, Perry’s not really any flavor of ice cream. He’s just the brain freeze part. –Jimmy Fallon

Vice President Biden was in New York today for the second time in less than a week, just to see if he left his wallet at the M&M’S Store. –Jimmy Fallon

There’s apparently an upscale club in New York where members eat beaver tail, hard boiled duck eggs, and lamb eyeballs. Or you could go the cheaper route, and just order a McRib. –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O’Brien and David Letterman:

“As you know by now, a fourth woman has come forward and accused Herman Cain of sexual harassment. This woman gave the details, pretty graphic. She said that Herman Cain tried to put his hand up her. So now when Cain says he is reaching out to the American people, you know what he’s reaching for.” –Jay Leno

“At the press conference earlier tonight, Herman Cain said he doesn’t remember the woman, he doesn’t recognize her name or her face…her ass he kind of remembers…” –Jay Leno

“Earlier today Herman Cain rejected calls that he should withdraw from the race. He said, ‘It ain’t gonna happen!’ That’s what he said. Ironically, that’s what women say to him when he’d put his hand up their skirt.” –Jay Leno

“If the Earth was visited by aliens, this would be a huge problem for the Republican Party. Michele Bachmann would want to deport them, Rick Perry would want to execute them, Mitt Romney would be undecided about what to do, and Herman Cain would try to take them up to his room.” –Jay Leno

“Jon Huntsman, who is running for president, has 0 percent support. That means he’s not even voting for himself.” –Jay Leno

“The stock market plunged over 389 points because of financial news in Italy. They’re calling this the worst Italian disaster since Olive Garden introduced that fettuccini alfredo.” –Jay Leno

“After losing a lawsuit with the TSA, former Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura says he’s going to renounce his U.S. citizenship and move to Mexico. Hey, if he changes his mind, he can always sneak back in.” –Jay Leno

“The Republican presidential candidates held a debate in Michigan. Just what Michigan needs: 12 more people looking for a job.” –Conan O’Brien

“It was so beautiful in New York City today, that Herman Cain accusers were holding press conferences in the park.” –David Letterman

“Herman Cain says he will not quit. He is going to stay in the race. You know what that means? He’ll be gone in a week.” –David Letterman

“There’s another Republican presidential debate tonight. This one is focused on why there were so many Republican presidential debates.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Mitt Romney said he created thousands of jobs at governor of Massachusetts. Rick Perry said he created thousands as governor of Texas. Herman Cain said he tried to create a number of jobs for women but now he’s getting attacked for it all of a sudden.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“If I were Mitt Romney, I wouldn’t show up anymore. I would just go to Hawaii and wait it out until the election, drink some caffeine free Diet Coke and watch Herman Cain and Rick Perry self-destruct.” –Jimmy Kimmel

‎”The harassment allegations keep coming at Herman Cain — like an uninvited hand up a pleated skirt.” –Stephen Colbert

“There’s a fifth woman that claims to have had a problem with Herman Cain. If this keeps up, it seems very unlikely he will be president, although it seems more and more likely he will become governor of California.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Herman Cain held a press conference today to deal with the sexual allegations. [Showed Tiger Woods apologizing.] I’m sorry. We had the wrong tape. Did Herman’s wife come after him with a 9-9-9 iron?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s Tuesday. That means another woman has come forward to accuse Herman Cain of sexual harassment.” –Conan O’Brien

“According to a new poll, 42 percent of Americans say they are uncomfortable with the idea of having a Mormon president. When asked why, the people said, ‘We’re still getting used to having a Muslim president.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Herman Cain said he would be willing to take a lie detector test. But that’s kind of a double-edged sword. If he fails, his career is over. And if he passes and it turns out he’s not a liar, he’s obviously not cut out for politics.” –Jay Leno

“A new poll taken abroad found that President Obama’s policies are more popular overseas than they are here in America. That’s because he’s created more jobs overseas than here in America.” –Jay Leno

“The White House says there is no evidence at all that earth has been visited by aliens. Do you believe that? We can’t even find aliens sneaking across the border.” –Jay Leno

Herman Cain is also taking some flack for saying that China was developing nuclear weapons, but they’ve had them since the 60’s. I don’t think he’s that well versed on foreign affairs. Today a reporter asked him how he would handle Greece and he said he would put an extra layer of wax paper under the pizza before you put it in the box.” –Jay Leno

“Big announcement from Herman Cain today. He’s leaving the Tea Party and joining the T&A party.” –Jay Leno

‘The people beat Bank of America, who withdrew their $5 debit fee. Instead, the bank is going to replace that with a $60 annual fee.” –Jay Leno

“Conrad Murray was found guilty of giving Michael Jackson an overdose of a prescription sleeping aid. Pretty reckless on the part of the doctor. They said the sedative he prescribed was five times more powerful than a Joe Biden speech.” –Jay Leno

“You’re here on a special night because everybody in the balcony tonight is a Herman Cain accuser.” –David Letterman

“Four women have accused Herman Cain of being inappropriate. That’s got to remind him of the deal he offered back when he ran pizza joints: Harass four, you get the fifth free.” –Craig Ferguson

“The latest castoff from ‘Dancing With the Stars,’ Herman Cain is here with us tonight. No, wait, I’m sorry. That’s a joke from next year.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“A fourth woman came forward with accusations of sexual harassment dating back to the late ’90s. Her name is Sharon Bialek and her lawyer is Gloria Allred. I think Gloria Allred has a press podium in her living room for instances just like this.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“We’ll see what Herman has to say about this in 30 minutes or less or we’ll give you your money back.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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Here are some of the best jokes from the late night comedians about the Occupy Wall Street protests:

“More than 3 million people from Maine to Maryland lost power because of the snowstorms over the weekend. In New York, the Occupy Wall Street protesters are thinking of changing the name to ‘I’m freezing my beard off.’” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Herman Cain told a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters to go home, get a job, and get a life. That’s the Republican version of hope and change, ladies and gentlemen.” –Jay Leno

“Earlier this week, a protester at Occupy Wall Street proposed to his girlfriend. His exact words were, ‘Will you occupy my parents’ basement with me until I get a job?’” -Conan O’Brien

“This Occupy Wall Street movement is not going away. They called yesterday for a general strike, for people to stay home from work and boycott any spending – otherwise known as what we’re doing already.” –Bill Maher

“Yesterday the CEO of Citigroup said that he can understand why all these Occupy Wall Street protesters are so frustrated. In fact, he felt so bad for them, he gave himself a $10 million sympathy bonus.” –Jimmy Fallon

“I love the protests. And if you think about it, what better way to send a message to Wall Street than by sitting in a pup tent banging on a drum.” –David Letterman

“This Occupy Wall Street movement is now in 1,500 places all around the world. I was at the Occupy Beverly Hills today. It’s two Jews at Starbucks complaining that the scones aren’t fresh, but still it’s a start.” –Bill Maher

“The Occupy Wall Street protesters gathered outside Rupert Murdoch’s house chanting, ‘What do we want?’ Murdoch interrupted saying, ‘I already know, I hacked your phones.’” –Craig Ferguson

“The Occupy Wall Street protests continue to grow. They’ve started to attract a very unsavory element — celebrities.” -Craig Ferguson

“The Occupy Wall Street protesters traveled around New York to stand outside the mansions of the most wealthy people in New York. Is that protesting or tourism?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s the 24th day of the Occupy Wall Street protests, also known as the largest homeless slumber party in the world.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Some protesters brought their kids to the demonstrations. Some of the kids got bored and decided to occupy Sesame Street instead.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Over 700 people who were part of the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations were arrested this past weekend in New York when they tried to block traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge. Because there’s nothing people on Wall Street hate more than not being able to get to Brooklyn.” –Seth Meyers

“The Occupy Wall Street protests continued in New York City. Today the protests have been going on for four weeks now. That’s longer than most NBC sitcoms last.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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