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Here are some more Jay Leno jokes about Barack Obama:

And at a rally in Florida today, Barack Obama was interrupted by protesters called Blacks Against Obama. They all drove there together in the same car, a Mini Cooper, if I’m not mistaken.

Barack Obama continues to criticize John McCain’s economic plan. McCain would like to criticize Obama’s plan, but nobody knows what it is yet. So we’re still waiting.

Barack Obama said today, again, he wants to raise taxes on the rich. That’s provided if, by November, anyone is still rich.

I had a great dinner last night. Put on a Barbra Streisand CD, ordered Domino’s, saved $28,488. Last night, Barack Obama hosted a dinner with Barbra Streisand singing. It was $28,500 a plate. $28,500 a plate! But, to be fair, that did include an all-you-can-eat salad buffet. That was included. I guess the food was pretty exotic. The main course was roasted pig in a lipstick glaze.

And another day, another federal bailout. This is unbelievable to me. The Federal Reserve has just loaned the AIG Insurance Company $85 billion to keep it afloat. $85 billion. That is almost as much money as Barack Obama raised last night in Beverly Hills.

Earlier this evening, Barack Obama was in Hollywood at a big fundraiser, a sold-out fundraiser featuring Barbra Streisand singing. $28,500 a ticket. Barbra Streisand was singing. All the big Hollywood stars were there. It featured dinner prepared by the finest Hollywood chefs serving an array of gourmet food. I believe the topic tonight was how John McCain is out of touch with the common people.

Well, I guess it’s getting serious, because Barack Obama’s going to have lunch with Bill Clinton this week to discuss Democratic strategy. They’re going to get together and talk. You know, they haven’t been that friendly up to this point. Of course, it’s tough agreeing on a restaurant, because the two men are both so different. Finally, they settled on a ‘Hooters’ that serves arugula.

According to the New York Times, Barack Obama’s campaign is having a hard time meeting their fundraising goals. And they’re pressing their donors for more money. They want more money. In fact, Obama said today, he’s willing to take change. He will now accept change.

Boy George has released a new song that is inspired by Barack Obama. It’s called ‘Yes We Can,’ by Boy George. If that doesn’t put Obama over the top with the Joe Six-pack crowd, nothing will, huh?”

What a week this has been. If you watched last night, I guess you know, Barack Obama got beat up by a girl.
Did you see that Mount Olympus-style backdrop they had for Barack’s speech, with the big columns on it? Little over the top, do you think, huh? Like, when they introduced him as ‘Barack, son of Zeus,’ that seemed over the top.
And Barack Obama will give his big speech tomorrow night at Invesco Field, a football stadium, which is appropriate, considering how many times Democrats have fumbled in the past few years.

In fact, while Michelle Obama gave her historic speech, Barack Obama watched the whole thing from a family’s living room in Missouri. He was in Missouri. I mean, I know it’s tough getting a hotel room in Denver right now, but come on.

You know, you could see Obama was trying a little too hard to connect with young voters with the text message. I still have it on my phone. [on-screen: cell phone face and text: OMG! Me and Biden are BFFs TTFN ;^)].
You know, they said on the news earlier tonight that this political campaign has only 100 days left. Only! Anybody complaining that this thing was dragging out? Oh, not quick enough?Only 100 days left. Oh, God! 100 Days. I don’t know what’s less likely, Barack Obama getting enough experience in 100 days, or John McCain living another 100 days.

Today in Berlin, Barack Obama spoke to a crowd of over 200,000 people. In fact, he was so eager to please the Germans, he promised he’d name David Hasselhoff as vice president.

Barack Obama’s two daughters are very excited, because I guess Barack Obama promised the kids that after the election he’s going to get them a dog. That’s the thing, they’re all excited, he’s going to get them a dog after the election. And the good news: Jesse Jackson has offered to neuter it, so I think that’s terrific.

The other day the plane that Barack Obama was on had some mechanical difficulties and was forced to land. Well, the National Transportation Safety Board did an inspection on the plane, and you know what they found? The bolts on the plane were fine, but apparently Jesse Jackson had taken some of the nuts off.

Barack Obama is back from his big European tour. Did you see him in Europe? People were cheering him, holding up signs, blowing him kisses. And that was just the American media covering the story.

I’m sure you know by now, Jesse Jackson was overheard saying, and I’ll put this more delicately, that he wanted to cut Barack Obama’s testicles off. And Jesse has been on several news programs the last couple of days, explaining what he meant by those comments. Do you need to explain that?

Insiders claim that even though Jesse Jackson supports Barack Obama publicly for president, privately he doesn’t like him. You know, it’s kind of like Bill with Hillary.

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Signs You’re Watching a Bad Science Fiction Movie

Friday, May 17, 2013

10. It’s called “Journey to the Center of Chris Christie”

9. Takes place eight minutes in the future

8. It’s rated ‘R’ for brief robot nudity

7. Recreates the history of the galaxy in real time

6. Monsters don’t come out during the day or the night

5. People wear more aluminum foil than seems believable

4. The entire film is home video shot by a guy riding space mountain

3. Alien villain portrayed by a spray-painted chimp

2. Introduces Darth Vader’s sister, Ruth Vader Ginsburg

1. It’s two hours of a guy polishing his phaser

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Retirement Home Brothel

Thursday, May 16, 2013

10. “Is that heavy breathing or labored breathing?”

9. “Talk dirty and loud”

8. “My hip!”

7. “This time you be the kaiser”

6. “My other hip!”

5. “It’s been four hours – call 911″

4. “Clear!”

3. “Care to join me on the plastic slipcover?”

2. “Teeth out is another twenty”

1. “Welcome back, Regis”

Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Spending $2 Million On A Painting of A Naked Bea Arthur

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

10. “Should I discuss this with my therapist?”

9. “Can it possibly live up to how I imagined her naked?”

8. “What’s the catch?”

7. “Is this auction clothing-optional?”

6. “Is this what people mean when they say, ‘Dude, you’re into weird stuff’?”

5. “How many more images of a naked Bea Arthur do I need?”

4. “Why has no one snatched this up already?”

3. “Will it go with my bronze statue of Shelly Winters?”

2. “Can I have it delivered in time for Father’s Day?”

1. “How much for just the frame?”

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Doctor After Gastric Band Surgery

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

10. “All done, Fatso!”

9. “You’re alive?!

8. “Open your mouth and say ‘Moooo!’”

7. “We didn’t have to, but I shaved you”

6. “When we opened you up, it was like a Golden Corral”

5. “If you experience any discomfort keep it to yourself”

4. “I went ahead and added the gastric suspenders”

3. “You’re beautiful when you’re unconscious”

2. “And now the easy part: diet and exercise”

1. “Your gender reassignment was a success”

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want to Hear From the Person Sitting Next to Your On A Plane

Monday, May 13, 2013

10. “I’m gonna need more than one air sickness bag”

9. “I’ve been watching you sleep”

8. “1,894 miles to go… 1,893 miles to go… 1892 miles to go”

7. “Technically, I’m supposed to be piloting this thing”

6. “If you say ‘Boeing’ enough times, it begins to sound like your bouncing: ‘Boeing’, ‘Boeing’, ‘Boeing’…”

5. “Now that I think about it, I definitely didn’t pack my own bag”

4. “Sardine?”

3. “Excuse me for a minute while I light my underpants”

2. “The last time I flew, I had to be restrained” (photo of a guy restrained on an airplane)

1. “Am I squeezing your leg too hard?”

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

This week marks the 40th anniversary of the Watergate hearings. For those of you too young to remember, back then the administration had an enemies list. They were spying on reporters, and they used the IRS to harass groups they didn’t like. Thank God those days are gone forever. –Jay Leno

A lot of critics are comparing President Obama to President Richard Nixon, which is unfair. Nixon’s unemployment rate was only 5 percent. –Jay Leno

This whole IRS thing has become a huge story. They apparently were targeting conservative groups like the tea party. You know it’s bad when President Obama says, “Hey, why don’t we talk about Benghazi?” –Jay Leno

The National Aquarium in Washington is going to close. But don’t worry. If you’re in D.C. and you still want to smell something fishy, stop by the White House. They’ve gone from “Change you can believe in” to “Changing the story until you believe it.” –Jay Leno

In a new interview, Joe Biden says he spends four or five hours every day with President Obama. In response, Obama said hiring that Obama impersonator was the best decision he’s ever made. –Conan O’Brien

Since President Obama took office, the Democratic Party has lost nine governorships, 56 members of Congress, and two Senate seats. In his defense, Obama said, “Well, I did promise change.” –Conan O’Brien

China announced it will no longer buy recycled trash from the U.S. I don’t have a joke here. I’d just like to give a round of applause to whatever genius has been selling trash to China. –Conan O’Brien

O.J. Simpson was in court this week trying to overturn his conviction on armed robbery and kidnapping. O.J. said, “I’m tired of everyone thinking of me as a robber and kidnapper and forgetting what a great murderer I am.” –Conan O’Brien

Have you folks been paying attention to what’s going on in Washington? In a matter of six weeks we have three big scandals, and it looks like President Obama and all his buddies in the White House may go to prison. Finally, some good news for the Romney campaign. –David Letterman

People always say this to me: “Hey, Letterman,” they say. “Why don’t you make jokes about Obama?” All right, I’ll tell you why. I don’t make jokes about him because I don’t want the FBI tapping my phone, that’s why. –David Letterman

They see Benghazi as a real powder keg. This scandal, they believe, may go as high as Dennis Rodman. –David Letterman

Here’s the problem. When you get scandals in Washington — like the IRS, Benghazi, and the FBI — it really gets in the way of not getting things done. If they don’t fix these crises pretty soon, honest to God, it could bring gridlock to a screeching halt. –David Letterman

The Cannes Film Festival was yesterday. Everyone who’s anyone in show business is in France right now. “But Craig, you’re here in Los Angeles.” Exactly. I’m lower on the show business ladder than Justin Bieber’s monkey. –Craig Ferguson

The Germans are like, “No, Bieber. We are keeping your monkey. It is never leaving Germany again. This Bieber monkey is the new Hasselhoff of Germany. –Craig Ferguson

Every year there’s a jury at the Cannes Film Festival. Getting on the jury is very competitive in France. Not because the French love cinema, but because they love to judge. –Craig Ferguson

O.J. Simpson took the witness stand. He’s serving up to 33 years on armed robbery, assault, and kidnapping charges. He won’t be eligible for parole until 2017 and who knows if we’ll have even have “Dancing With the Stars” by then. –Jimmy Kimmel

The most notable thing to come out of the trial is that O.J. has put on a lot of weight in prison. I think he found the real killers and ate them. –Jimmy Kimmel

He’s hoping if he’s granting a retrial they’ll let him serve the remainder of his sentence under Waffle House arrest. –Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama is not having a good week. With three scandals shaking the White House, they’re saying this is one of the worst weeks of Obama’s presidency. Obama was like, “How could things get worse?” And Joe Biden was like, “You rang?” –Jimmy Fallon

A town in Minnesota has appointed a 4-year-old boy to be its mayor. People got pretty annoyed when he said his first plan was “waising taxes.” –Jimmy Fallon

Next season “Dancing With the Stars” will be cut back from two nights a week to just one — while “American Idol” will be cut back from two nights a week to a puppet show at Ryan Seacrest’s house. –Jimmy Fallon

The heat wave is continuing. There are warnings this could be a long, hot summer and they are telling everyone to cover up. Believe me. You don’t have to tell the Obama White House twice. They know all about covering up. –Jay Leno

Today the White House unveiled its latest high-tech weapon: the IRS audit. –Jay Leno

I love what IRS commissioner Steve Miller said today about this whole targeting conservative groups thing. He said, “Mistakes were made, but they were in no way made with a political or partisan motivation.” Yeah, “Mistakes were made” — try saying THAT during your next IRS audit. –Jay Leno

First it was Benghazi, then the IRS scandal, and now this phone records scandal. Remember the old days when President Obama’s biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden? What happened to those days? –Jay Leno

President Obama’s right in the middle of three scandals. The IRS ratting out people it doesn’t like. Benghazi, number two. And they say Obama has been phone tapping the AP. So three big scandals. Here’s what I prefer: Weiner and Spitzer. Now those are scandals my writers can really work with. –David Letterman

OJ Simpson is back in court. He’s gained weight. Apparently the only knife OJ has been using lately is the butter knife. –David Letterman

Remember: If the pants don’t fit, you must acquit. –David Letterman

It was just revealed that the Department of Justice secretly recorded the phone calls of AP journalists for two months. Obama promised reporters that the incident will be immediately investigated — by the Department of Justice. –Jimmy Fallon

The founder of Spanx announced that she is giving away half of her fortune to charity. She told her family, “We’ll be fine. Things are just going to get a little tighter. –Jimmy Fallon

The Philadelphia Eagles new coach, Chip Kelly, recently got rid of the team’s long-running tradition of having fast-food Fridays. He says that he wants his players to live healthier lives. Then he sends them out to hit other people with their heads. –Jimmy Fallon

Officials in Belize say that a construction company accidentally destroyed a set of Mayan ruins that were 2,000 years old. Or as the Mayans put it, “Eh, it’s not the end of the world.” –Jimmy Fallon

I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don’t want to get audited by the IRS, so forget that. –Jay Leno

The IRS has now admitted that they targeted conservative groups for extra scrutiny. That’s why Mitt Romney wanted to be president so bad — to keep the IRS off his back. –Jay Leno

Barbara Walters announced her retirement today. Good, I’ll have somebody to hang out with next year. –Jay Leno

O.J. is trying to get a new trial. His lawyer said, “Look, O.J., we’ve been through this before. It’s a long shot. And O.J. said, “You know what? I think I’ll take a stab at it.” –David Letterman

A new study says by 2030 household robots will dominate every phase of our lives. The study says the No. 1 field for robot growth is medicine. That makes sense. Robots already perform well in surgery. That is, until there is a power outage. Then it’s just a coat rack leaning over you as you bleed to death. –Craig Ferguson

On Friday, a truck in Ohio overturned on a highway and spilled hundreds of hot dogs. It got even more annoying when another truck came along and spilled two less buns. –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon:

Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he’ll fit right in. –Jay Leno

Today Sanford said his first order of business was improving relations with South America. –Jay Leno

New predictions claim that 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop it is for government to step in. Oh, yeah, that will work. When it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, who knows better than the U.S. government? –Jay Leno

According to Forbes magazine, Al Gore is now worth more than $200 million. This is what Gore meant when he talked about going green. –Jay Leno

In South Carolina, former Governor Mark Sanford won a congressional seat after dragging around and debating a cardboard cutout of Nancy Pelosi. Then someone explained that WAS Nancy Pelosi. -Conan O’Brien

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he’s still adjusting after his surgery to reduce how much he can eat. He said, “I now have six free hours a day I don’t know what to do with.” -Conan O’Brien

According to a new poll, Americans trust Judge Judy more than they trust Supreme Court justices. She won her trust after her landmark decision in the case of Drunk Lady vs. Other Drunk Lady. -Conan O’Brien

Former NBA player Dennis Rodman has asked North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un to release American prisoner Kenneth Bay. Rodman said, “I’m calling for Kim to do me a solid” and release Kenneth Bay.” How do you think the Koreans will translate “do me a solid?” –Jimmy Kimmel

I’m sure Kenneth Bay would be thrilled to hear that Dennis Rodman is on his case. –Jimmy Kimmel

Wouldn’t it be something if it worked? How many can say they were saved from a North Korean prison camp by Dennis Rodman? Three, four. Eight, maybe. –Jimmy Kimmel

Why do I feel this somehow ends with Michael Jordan being forced to fly to Pyongyang to sign the “Space Jam” poster hanging over Kim Jong Un’s bed to prevent nuclear Armageddon?  –Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday, Delaware became the most recent state to legalize same-sex marriage. That marks the 11th state to make same-sex marriage legal and the first thing I know about Delaware. –Jimmy Fallon

This Sunday is Mother’s Day. That means you have four days to pick out the perfect gift before just buying flowers on the way to brunch. –Jimmy Fallon

Actually, a new survey found out the average American will spend $168 on Mother’s Day this year. For any woman who’s been through labor for a day and a half, remember, it pays exactly $168. –Jimmy Fallon

A movie version of “Dungeons and Dragons” is in the works. It’s expected to set all-time records for people saying, “Ticket for one, please.” –Jimmy Fallon

Chris Christie revealed he had lap-band surgery in February. President Obama wished him well. In fact, Obama is now thinking about having Joe Biden’s mouth stapled. –Jay Leno

CNN anchor Carol Costello was robbed of her iPhone in broad daylight while walking down the street in Atlanta. Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren’t any witnesses. –Jay Leno

Lindsay Lohan has checked into the Betty Ford Center. Celebrities who have been treated at Betty Ford swear by the place. In fact, they return again and again and again. –Jay Leno

The Rolling Stones played the Staples Center here. They are on their big Centrum Silver tour. Tickets went for as much $650. And that’s minus the Medicare deductible. –Jay Leno

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list. -Conan O’Brien

Chris Christie had weight reduction surgery. As a result, I’ll be going into surgery for monologue joke reduction. -Conan O’Brien

A Texas man has fired the first-ever gun created by a 3-D printer. Which raises the question: Don’t you think a gun created by a printer would jam? -Conan O’Brien

A cleric in Iran is warning that an earthquake is on the way, and it’s the fault of women who wear revealing clothes. So yet another setback for the Tehran Hooters. -Conan O’Brien

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had stomach surgery so he won’t be so big. His family gave him a choice. They said, “Look, you either have that surgery or get your own ZIP code.” -David Letterman

Governor Christie is now saying that his decision had nothing to do with 2016, which by the way is his cholesterol. –David Letterman

Cicadas are back, and there are going to be trillions of them. Cicadas mate once every 17 years. They’re like Martha Stewart. –David Letterman

The stock market is at an all-time high. People at home are saying, “Well, that would be great if I had a job.” –David Letterman

Over the weekend, Arnold’s son Patrick Schwarzenegger was kicked out of a nightclub in Hollywood. Apparently, Patrick threatened the DJ. It was a chaotic scene. Security rushed in and said, “Which one of you is Schwarzenegger’s kid?” And 50 people raised their hands. -Craig Ferguson

Over the weekend, the Rolling Stones played here at the Staples Center but they had to cut their ticket prices in half to fill the seats. I guess if people wanted go to the Staples Center to see old guys shuffling around way past their prime, they’d just go see the Lakers. –Craig Ferguson

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that back in February he had a secret lap-band surgery, which explains why there’s been so much food in New Jersey lately. –Jimmy Kimmel

If you examine the pictures, you can see that Christie actually might be getting fatter. He’s the worst ad for lap-band surgery ever. –Jimmy Kimmel

Lap-band surgery is said to be slower than other procedures. Typically, patients lose one to two pounds a week. Which means the governor could be down to a healthy weight in about 100 years. –Jimmy Kimmel

Over the weekend President Obama gave the commencement speech at Ohio State University. He said, “I dare you to do better” — to which the students yelled back, “No, we dare YOU to do better. We need jobs!” –Jay Leno

Mexico’s economy has been on the upswing the last couple of years. They’re getting investors from companies all over the world. In fact, Mexico is now home to 11 million undocumented Americans. –Jay Leno

For the first time ever, girls in Saudi Arabia will be allowed to take part in school sports. Of course, their moms won’t be allowed to drive them to practice. But hey, it’s progress. –Jay Leno

Taco Bell’s chief marketing executive says they are now working on a new low-end menu. What? You mean the stuff they’ve been serving is the high-end stuff? –Jay Leno

PETA is really upset at Chris Christie for killing a spider in front of a group of school children. Governor Christie said, “If PETA is upset by that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today.” -Conan O’Brien

According to a new report, Al Gore now has more money than Mitt Romney. Gore said Mitt and I are living proof that if you’re a boring white guy, anything is possible. -Conan O’Brien

A Catholic bishop from Massachusetts was arrested for drunk driving. He told the cop, “I’m a bishop. I’m supposed to move diagonally.” -Conan O’Brien

“Iron Man 3″ made $175 million in the United States and $680 million worldwide. It’s the second biggest opening behind “The Avengers,” which proves something I have known for a long time. We are all nerds now. –Jimmy Kimmel

The only thing I didn’t understand when I saw “Iron Man 3″ was that Iron Man was in a lot of trouble and the world was in a lot of trouble but The Avengers were nowhere to be found. What happened? Did he lose their phone numbers? Did they unfriend him on Facebook? –Jimmy Kimmel

Where were The Avengers? Seems like if the president is being held hostage, maybe bring the guy with the hammer that shoots lightning bolts. –Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday President Obama spoke at Ohio State’s graduation, and told students that it’s their responsibility to make the world a better place. It got awkward when students were like, “Wait, isn’t that literally your responsibility?” –Jimmy Fallon

Some experts are saying that the 2016 Democratic presidential race could come down to Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden. Biden is calling her a worthy opponent, while Hillary is calling him “practice.” –Jimmy Fallon

The National Park Service is launching a new campaign to attract younger visitors. It has a very creative slogan: “National Parks: Nobody Knows You’re Drinking in Here.” –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

Martha Stewart told Matt Lauer on the “Today” show that she is looking for a man on Match.com. You would think it’d be easy for someone like Martha Stewart, but it is not. It’s tough for her. A lot of guys don’t want to get involved with an ex-con. –Jay Leno

In baseball news, the Chicago Cubs said they will move if improvements are not made to Wrigley Field. And today Wrigley Field said it will move if improvements are not made to the Chicago Cubs. –Jay Leno

The U.S. government apparently spent millions of dollars in cash to fund various dubious government projects in Afghanistan — including solar panels and wind farms that never work. No, I’m sorry. That’s what we did here. I had it backwards. –Jay Leno

Researchers now believe the first settlers who settled in America, in Jamestown, resorted to cannibalism. The first settlers ate each other. Good thing that didn’t catch on. That would have changed Thanksgiving, don’t you think? –Jay Leno

More news keeps coming out about Jason Collins, the NBA player who revealed he’s gay. It turns out he’s a free agent looking for someone to sign him. He’s got some interest from Chicago. Not the Bulls, the Broadway musical. -Conan O’Brien

Domino’s Pizza customers can now order a pizza and watch it being made online. A spokesperson for Domino’s said this way their customers can see exactly what went wrong. -Conan O’Brien

The Chicago Cubs are considering leaving Wrigley Field if they don’t get a bigger scoreboard. Then someone reminded the Cubs for the amount of runs they get, they don’t need a scoreboard. -Conan O’Brien

A new study reveals that up to 41 percent of college graduates are working in jobs that don’t require a degree. By the way, I’m one of them. -Conan O’Brien

Martha Stewart has signed up with Match.com, the dating thing. And she’s been taking dating tips from the CEO of Match.com. And I thought, “Wait a minute. That’s insider dating.” –David Letterman

In New York City every year, we have the Tony Awards. We carry them right here on CBS. To make them more exciting, CBS has renamed them the “Jimmies.” –David Letterman

There’s another new category this year in the Tony Awards — best performance by a guy dragged against his will to a Broadway show. –David Letterman

It’s been two years since the SEAL team busted in and got Osama bin Laden. On the night of the raid, the guy never knew what hit him. It’s like being married to a Kardashian. –David Letterman

Martha Stewart is on the prowl. Martha Stewart is now on Match.com. She’s 71, and says she’s looking for a man between 55 and 70 and is not looking to have kids. What 70-year-old woman is looking to have kids? –Jimmy Kimmel

Martha says she’s a fan of the symphony, opera, and rap. I like that. She spent three months in prison and all of a sudden she’s Tupac listening to rap. –Jimmy Kimmel

What kind of rap does Martha Stewart like? Gift wrap. –Jimmy Kimmel

We ran all her information and we determined the best match for Martha. We looked to find someone who’s single, successful, likes kids, age appropriate, athletic, and knows what is it’s like to go through a scandal. I think we were able to find the right man. Arnold Schwarzenegger. –Jimmy Kimmel

Vice President Joe Biden’s plane is apparently stuck in Arizona because of problems with its engine. Officials say they’re trying to fix it as fast as they can. But Obama was like, “No rush.” –Jimmy Fallon

An elementary school here in New York City has become the first school in the country to serve only vegetarian food. Apparently the school board wants to give kids a head start in being difficult at restaurants. –Jimmy Fallon

That’s right. A school is serving only vegetarian foods, like tofu. Now when bullies say, “Give me your lunch money,” students are like, “Here, take it.” –Jimmy Fallon

The FDA has just ruled that girls as young as 15 can now obtain the contraceptive Plan B without a prescription. Before that, most teenagers’ Plan B was getting a show on MTV.  –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama held a press conference today. He said he still wants to close the Guantanamo Bay prison facility, but he doesn’t know how to do it. He should do what he always does. Declare it a small business and tax it out of existence. -Jay Leno

Yesterday Tim Tebow was cut by the New York Jets, although today he did sign with somebody: ChristianMingle.com. So good for him. . -Jay Leno

There’s now talk here in California of letting noncitizens serve on juries. The bad news: If you’re ever on trial for underpaying your nanny, you could get the death penalty. . -Jay Leno

Happy birthday to Willie Nelson. He’s 80 years old. God bless him. Willie has finally reached the age he’s looked for the last 30 years. . -Jay Leno

Yesterday President Obama said that the prison at Guantanamo Bay needs to be closed. To make sure it closes quickly, they’re turning it into a Blockbuster Video. -Conan O’Brien

NBA player Jason Collins’ former fiancee said she had no clue he was gay. Then she showed off an engagement ring given to her by her former fiance, Richard Simmons. -Conan O’Brien

Jason Collins’ former fiancee did say she had no clue he was gay. She went on to say he didn’t cheat on her, so she also had no clue he was in the NBA. -Conan O’Brien

Yeah, she said she had no clue he was gay. When she heard this, Manti Te’o’s fiancee said, “Well, at least you exist.” -Conan O’Brien

New reports say New York Governor Andrew Cuomo will not run for president in 2016 if Hillary Clinton does. In a statement, Hillary said that she appreciates the decision and the support. Then she added, “Because I would crush him.” –Jimmy Fallon

New York City is testing a new plan that would make the average school day longer by over two hours. Parents haven’t commented on the plan yet because they’re busy high fiving everyone they know. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that the air quality in New York City subways is actually the same quality as the air in New York streets. Even crazier, that’s supposed to be good news. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that certain fish use sign language to communicate. Apparently they have a sign for everything — except for “big metal hook.” –Jimmy Fallon

Washington Wizards center Jason Collins has become the first American athlete in a major team sport to come out as gay. Do you know what a breakthrough this is? Finally an NBA player who won’t have any illegitimate kids. –Jay Leno

Collins said it was not a tough decision to tell people that he’s gay. He said it’s easier than telling people he plays for the Washington Wizards. That’s the hard part. –Jay Leno

I had a birthday over the weekend. I turned 63. That is an awkward age. It’s too old for NBC, but it’s still too young to play for the Lakers. –Jay Leno

Supreme Court Justice Steven Breyer had shoulder surgery for an injury after he fell off his bike. It happened when the justice drifted a little too far to the left. -Conan O’Brien

In a new interview, Mike Tyson revealed his ex-girlfriend cooked and ate his pet pigeon right in front of him. Tyson said she also had a dark side. -Conan O’Brien

Jason Collins is the first athlete in a major U.S. sport to announce he’s gay. He’s a free-agent now, but his last team was the Washington Wizards. He’s not the first openly gay wizard. That trail was blazed by Dumbledore. –Craig Ferguson

So far the reaction from fans and teammates has been nothing but positive. Why shouldn’t it be? Jason Collins has nothing to be ashamed of. It’s not like he plays for the Lakers. –Craig Ferguson

The positive reaction to Jason’s announcement is a great sign. It shows us that NBA fans are ready to embrace diversity. And they really want to concentrate on what unites them — hating the Miami Heat. –Craig Ferguson

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

All five living presidents will gather for the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. President Obama says he hopes he can pick up some ideas for when he builds his. It’s going to be called the “Blame George W. Bush Presidential Library.” –Jay Leno

In observance of Earth Week, NBC currently is running its entire prime-time line-up completely into the ground. –Jay Leno

A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women’s facial expressions. The main reason? They are not usually looking at her face. –Jay Leno

Basketball great Dwight Howard, who reportedly has four children from four different mothers, is expecting a fifth child with a fifth woman. Dwight’s going to be a father again — as opposed to the rest of the Lakers, who are mostly grandfathers. –Jay Leno

Remember the kid from Notre Dame who had the imaginary girlfriend, Manti Te’o. They are saying he will be taken in the first round of the NFL Draft. We heard that from his imaginary agent.  -David Letterman

The New York Jets say they will take the best athlete possible in the draft. They’re going to take the best athlete available. It’s the same strategy the Kardashian sisters use. -David Letterman

The Internet celebrated a major milestone yesterday. It’s the eighth anniversary of the very first video uploaded to YouTube. YouTube was founded in 2005 by a small group of visionaries who asked the question, “What if nobody in America ever got anything done ever again?” –Jimmy Kimmel

Microsoft founder Bill Gates is in a little trouble today. Apparently people in South Korea are mad at him for giving a one-handed handshake to the country’s president, which over there is a sign of disrespect. And in hindsight, the hand buzzer wasn’t a great choice either. –Jimmy Fallon

South Koreans are really upset about this, but Gates says it’s just a miscommunication — while Americans say it’s payback for “Gangnam Style.” –Jimmy Fallon

A new report found that the worst job in the U.S. is being a newspaper reporter. They say it’s better for writers to just focus on fiction and become a CNN reporter. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that the way someone sneezes can say a lot about a person. For example, if they hold their sneeze in, they’re humble. If they cover it, they’re respectful. And if they just sneeze into the air, they’re standing next to you on the subway. –Jimmy Fallon

U.S. intelligence agencies have put together a psychological profile of Kim Jong Un. They say he’s a narcissist, and he is obsessed with Hollywood, obsessed with plastic surgery, and obsessed with the NBA. It’s a condition we know as “Kardashianism.” –Jay Leno

Oscar-winner Reese Witherspoon was arrested for disorderly conduct when she interfered with a police officer’s DUI arrest of her husband. Reese admitted she had also been drinking. –Jay Leno Apparently she told the officer she once played Johnny Cash’s wife, June Carter. But they didn’t believe her — because she couldn’t “walk the line.” –Jay Leno

NBC sportscaster Al Michaels got arrested over the weekend for DUI. His blood alcohol level was .08. And of course, NBC was ecstatic. .08 is the highest number anybody on this network has gotten in years. –Jay Leno

NBC announced this week that we are going green to promote new ways to save our planet. Save our planet? We can’t even save our prime-time lineup! –Jay Leno

Computer hackers hacked into The Associated Press Twitter account and they faked reports about an attack on the White House. And I thought, “Wait a minute, the real news isn’t bad enough? Now we’re making up bad news?” -David Letterman

According to new poll information, Americans now think very strongly positive about George W. Bush. By God, maybe there’s hope for me! -David Letterman

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner is back on Twitter. It’s like giving Lindsay Lohan the keys to the mini bar. -David Letterman

Today France legalized same-sex marriage. The next step is legalizing same-sex mistresses. –Craig Ferguson

Today is William Shakespeare’s birthday. He would have been 449 years old, or as CBS calls it, “our demographic.” –Craig Ferguson

There is talk that Apple CEO Tim Cook might get fired because of the company’s bad performance in the stock market. You can tell Tim Cook is trying to keep his job because he was like, “Have you tried turning the company off and back on again?” –Jimmy Fallon

The miniseries “The Bible” was a big hit. Now it’s being cut down to three hours so that it can be released in theaters. And apparently theaters will be able to feed an entire audience with just one bucket of popcorn. –Jimmy Fallon

A company in California has started selling a new cologne that smells like whiskey. I think my dad’s been wearing that cologne for 40 years. –Jimmy Fallon

A woman in Florida crashed her car into a Target store. But in her defense, the store did have a giant target on it. –Jimmy Fallon

Today is also Earth Day; NBC put green light bulbs in because it’s Earth Day. What a tremendous contribution they’ve made to Earth Day. –Jay Leno

Scientists have discovered that the feeling that you’re being watched is hardwired into our brains. In fact, the only people who don’t have the feeling of being watched are on prime time here at NBC. –Jay Leno

There are rumors that Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are back together. I just want that adorable little girl to be happy again. Maybe Selena can get something out of it, too. –Craig Ferguson

It’s Earth Day today. Let me tell you something about polar bears. They’re endangered but you have to be careful because a polar bear is one of the few animals that will stalk a human. If you go to where polar bears live, it might stalk you and when you’re on the plane going home, it might be behind you reading. –Craig Ferguson

In honor of Earth Day, tonight’s program will be made up of 100 percent recycled jokes. –Craig Ferguson

Happy Earth Day. Did you know there are Earth Day greeting cards? There is no better way to celebrate Earth Day than chopping down trees to make cards. –Jimmy Kimmel

Reese Witherspoon got into trouble. She was arrested for disorderly conduct. She asked the cop, “Do you know my name?” Does that ever work? The answer is either “No,” which is embarrassing or it’s “Yes, I do, and you’re going to jail.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Reese released a statement saying she is deeply embarrassed and clearly had one drink too many. But that’s Earth Day for you. People just get hammered. –Jimmy Kimmel

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries have finalized their divorce, and they did it two weeks before they were scheduled to go to trial. Even their divorce ended before it really started. –Jimmy Fallon

Kim said it’s nice to finally not be married after over a year of sort of not being married. –Jimmy Fallon

NBC has canceled its reality dating show “Ready for Love” after just three episodes. Other NBC shows were like, “They made it to three episodes? What’s their secret?” –Jimmy Fallon

Viewers complained the show was complicated and confusing — marking the first time a dating show has been canceled for being exactly like dating. –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, David Letterman, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

Folks, I’ve got to be honest with you. I had a really awkward day today. I had to call David Letterman and tell him he didn’t get “The Tonight Show” again. –Jay Leno

I want to congratulate our good friend Jimmy Fallon. He’s going to do a great job. I just have one request for Jimmy: We’ve all fought, kicked, and scratched to get this network up to fifth place — now we have to keep it there. Jimmy, don’t let it slip into 6th. We are counting on you. –Jay Leno

Things move so quickly. Jimmy hasn’t even taken over yet and the rumors have already started — like NBC says in five years they plan to replace Jimmy with Justin Bieber. –Jay Leno

Former President George Bush has invited President Obama to the opening of his presidential library later this month. President Obama said he’s looking forward to going through the library to see if there was anything else he could blame Bush for. –Jay Leno

Even though I’m from Boston, I feel right at home in the South. I really do. You see, Boston is also full of people with thick accents who hate the Yankees. –Conan O’Brien

A lot of celebrities live in Atlanta. Elton John has a house here. In fact, you know you spotted Elton John when you think you have spotted Lady Gaga’s grandmother. –Conan O’Brien

How many folks earlier today saw the white smoke coming out of the chimney at NBC? I got a call from my mom today. She says, “Well, David, I see you didn’t get ‘The Tonight Show’ again.” –David Letterman

Didn’t we just go through this? Jay Leno is being replaced — this is the second time this has happened. It’s crazy. He’s being replaced by a younger late-night host. What could possibly go wrong? –David Letterman

But NBC, bless them, announced the official date for Jay Leno’s departure. No mention of his official date of return, however. –David Letterman

The White House has now put together a website for kids. It’s a website to teach kids how to manage a budget responsibly. The website is called “Irony.gov.” –David Letterman

t was announced officially today that starting in February of next year after the Olympics, I will take over as new host of “The Tonight Show” on NBC. Excuse me. OK, I’m told it’s a different Jimmy that’s going to be hosting. –Jimmy Kimmel

Jay Leno passes the torch to Jimmy Fallon. OK. Does anybody know what the return policy is on a yacht? — because I could be in a lot of trouble. –Jimmy Kimmel

Public Policy Polling asked a group of 1,200 registered voters, and 13 percent said they believe Obama is the Antichrist and another 13 percent were not sure. I feel if he were the Antichrist, he would be getting more legislation passed. –Jimmy Kimmel

Welcome to the show, everybody. This is “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” — for now. –Jimmy Fallon

You’ve probably heard the news. I’m going to be taking over for “The Tonight Show” next February. But don’t worry. Until February our focus is right here on . . . whatever this show is called. –Jimmy Fallon

The federal government says it will do one more study on the risk of cellphone radiation. Or as the guy with the third ear growing out of his neck said, “That’s cool. Take your time.” –Jimmy Fallon

A new report found that, despite the slowing economy, going to college is still paying off. Unfortunately, still paying off is what you’ll be doing with your college loans for the rest of your life. –Jimmy Fallon

The Associated Press, the largest newsgathering outlet in the world, will no longer use the term “illegal immigrant.” That is out. They will now use the phrase “undocumented Democrat.” –Jay Leno

Today President Obama asked Congress for $100 million to map the human brain. And believe me, if anybody needs a map to find their brain, it’s Congress. –Jay Leno

Lifetime has canceled the TV show “America’s Most Wanted.” Network executives made the decision after realizing the show was still on. –Jay Leno

Apparently back in the ’80s, the lead singer of Queen, Freddie Mercury, once took a disguised Princess Diana to a gay bar. She was wearing a disguise to look like a guy so she wouldn’t get noticed. How ironic is this? When they got to the gay bar, she met a bunch of guys dressed up to look like Princess Diana. –Jay Leno

There are over 65 streets named Peachtree in Atlanta. Yesterday I punched Peachtree into my GPS. It committed suicide. –Conan O’Brien

I read that not one team from Georgia made it into the NCAA Final Four. Yeah, I read it on a list of things not to bring up while doing a week of shows in Georgia. –Conan O’Brien

Did you see Lindsay Lohan’s April Fools’ Day joke? Last night she tweeted that she’s pregnant. This morning she tweeted “April Fools.” Where’s everybody’s sense of humor? If Barbara Walters wrote it, it’s funny. But with her, it’s a reason to call Child Protective Services. –Jimmy Kimmel

Lindsay tweeted at 1:30 a.m. on April 2. She can’t even show up for her pranks on time. –Jimmy Kimmel

The women’s school district in New Hampshire has officially banned dodge ball because parents complained their kids were being targeted during games which, of course, is the point of dodge ball. –Jimmy Kimmel

The district superintendent says playing dodge ball runs, quote, “counter to what we’re trying to accomplish with our anti-bullying plan. If you really want to ban bullying in school, there’s only one way to do it. You need to ban children from school. –Jimmy Kimmel

Last night Lindsay Lohan went on Twitter and announced that she’s pregnant, but it turns out that it was just an April Fools’ Day joke. Most people laughed it off, while Us Weekly paid 10 grand for the baby photos just in case. –Jimmy Fallon

Yeah, Lindsay said she was pregnant but it was just an April Fools’ joke. Weirdly, no one was more relieved than that fake baby. –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday President Obama shot baskets at the White House and made only two shots out of 22. Even Dick Cheney was like, “That guy needs to learn how to shoot.” –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama went only two for 22. It’s tough times for Obama — one minute, he’s asking Congress to raise the debt ceiling; the next, he’s asking them to lower the hoop. –Jimmy Fallon

Before we get started, let me say that NBC and I have reached a peaceful, amicable agreement that will be beneficial to both sides. April Fools! It will never happen. –Jay Leno

North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. You can see they’re stepping it up. In fact, they released 10 more photos of Kim Jong Un looking through binoculars. –Jay Leno

Happy birthday to former Vice President Al Gore, 65 years old today. But sadly, he could not enjoy his party because he was so obsessed with how fast the ice cream was melting. –Jay Leno

According to the United Nations, more people have working cellphones than have working toilets. Hey, so do most Carnival cruise ships. That’s not unusual. –Jay Leno

Today was opening day for Major League Baseball. And it’s a big deal here in New York. Yankees fans were like, “Let’s win it.” Mets fans were like, “Let’s have fun out there, you guys.” –Jimmy Fallon

It was so cold that one guy charged the mound just to cuddle with the pitcher. –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama is getting ready to unveil his new budget nine weeks after its original due date. Or as his dog Bo put it, “Yeah, yeah. I ate the first draft. I know the drill.” –Jimmy Fallon

Last week Justin Bieber had to leave his pet monkey with customs officials in Germany after he entered the country without the right paperwork. Officials told him, “You have to leave your little friend behind. And the monkey said, “Sorry, Justin, I guess you’ve got to stay.” –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

A major snowstorm has hit the East Coast. In Washington, D.C., everything ground to a halt — and then the snowstorm hit. –Conan O’Brien

Due to budget cuts, all tours of the White House have been canceled indefinitely. When he heard, Joe Biden said, “Now I’ll never see it.” –Conan O’Brien

Lawmakers in Hawaii passed a new law called the Steven Tyler Act. Basically the law gives men the right to gradually morph into old women. –Conan O’Brien

Wrangler is coming out with a pair of jeans that claims to fight cellulite as you wear them. Finally a pair of jeans your boyfriend can say you look fat in, but not for long. –Conan O’Brien

Former president of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez, died yesterday. Sean Penn actually went down to Venezuela and met Chavez a few times. He’s a polarizing figure that a lot of Americans really don’t like. Chavez was, too. –Craig Ferguson

Today Chavez is being mourned all over South America. If he were here today, I’m sure he’d say, “Don’t cry for me, Argentina.” –Craig Ferguson

The people of Venezuela aren’t sure who’ll replace Hugo Chavez. CBS suggested Ashton Kutcher. –Craig Ferguson

South America was the birthplace of the Incan civilization. The Incans were sort of like the Mayans, except they didn’t go around falsely predicting the end of the world. –Craig Ferguson

They just passed something in Hawaii called the Steven Tyler Act. It’s a sweeping piece of legislation that says you must wear a scarf at all times. –Jimmy Kimmel

Actually it’s designed to protect celebrities from paparazzi by making it illegal to take unwanted pictures or video of them in private to sell for profit. No offense, but isn’t every photo of Steven Tyler an unwanted photo? –Jimmy Kimmel

Doesn’t the Steven Tyler Act sound like something we would create to protect ourselves from Steven Tyler? –Jimmy Kimmel

The world’s cardinals are meeting to prepare for the conclave that will choose the new Pope. The rumor is they already have a candidate selected and they’re just waiting on the results of the urine test to come back. –Jimmy Kimmel

Welcome sequestration survivors. Congress did not reach an agreement and Congresswoman Maxine Waters said 170 million jobs could be lost. There are only 155 million workers in America. Are you beginning to understand why we’re in this situation in the first place? -Jay Leno

The cuts have already begun. Just yesterday, the Pope got laid off. -Jay Leno

At this point, we have no idea who the next Pope will be. How about Mitt Romney? He’s not doing anything. -Jay Leno

Gas is so expensive, today I saw Bill O’Reilly carpooling with Bill Maher. -Jay Leno

There’s a big movie out today. It’s called “The Last Exorcism Part 2.” How can it be called “The Last Exorcism Part 2″? By definition, a movie called “last anything” can’t have a sequel. It’s not possible. Unless — unless Hollywood is run by profit-hungry liars. –Craig Ferguson

In the first “Last Exorcist,” a young girl gets possessed by Satan. The priest performs an exorcism to try and cast him out. I guess in part two, the devil returns because he forgot his wallet or something. –Craig Ferguson

Some people think I got this show because I made a deal with the devil. It’s true, actually. Nine years ago, the devil promised me great fame and untold wealth in exchange for my soul. But I broke the deal. Now I’m condemned to this place for all eternity. –Craig Ferguson

If you’re scheduling an exorcism, you need to make sure someone’s actually possessed. If a young woman looks sickly and pale and vomits all the time, she may just be an actress. –Craig Ferguson

Yesterday, Groupon fired the founder and CEO of the company. Yeah, he could tell something was up because today’s deal was his parking space. -Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that at least 50 percent of all pets in the United States are overweight. Veterinarians plan to treat this as a serious problem, or as fat pets put it, “Did you say treat?” -Jimmy Fallon

Kim Kardashian said that couples should be together for at least six months before they decide to get married. And they should stay married for at least six days before they decide to get divorced. -Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that pessimistic people actually live longer than optimists, which would be great news for pessimists if they believed in great news. -Jimmy Fallon

As you know, the Pope stepped down today. There’s a lot of cardinals running for this Pope position. Some of the slogans are pretty catchy. My favorite: “Yes, We Vati-can.” -Jay Leno

We are now in the middle of Lent. The most common thing people are giving up for Lent this year? Watching NBC.  -Jay Leno

For the first time in history, NBC is fifth in the ratings. We are now behind the Spanish language channel Univision. As we call that here in Los Angeles, “Cinco de Ratings.” -Jay Leno

The ratings are so bad that today NBC called Manti Te’o to bring in some imaginary viewers. -Jay Leno

Today was Pope Benedict’s last day at work. Don’t be sad. All the other cardinals are buying him shots at the Vatican Applebee’s. –Conan O’Brien

The Pope spoke to 100 cardinals and said, “Among you is the future Pope.” And then he said, “Now enter The Octagon.” They’re going to fight it out with holy relics. –Conan O’Brien

We are 24 hours away from massive across-the-board budget cuts. If the cuts go into effect, major airports could face delays up to 90 minutes — or as JetBlue calls it, an on-time departure. –Conan O’Brien

These budget cuts are serious. It could negatively affect water and sewage services. In other words, all of America is about to embark on a Carnival cruise. –Conan O’Brien

According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in. –Craig Ferguson

Pope Benedict is officially retired. Apparently there was some last-minute tension at the Vatican because they wouldn’t give the Pope his security deposit back. –Craig Ferguson

He left glue on the walls from his Def Leppard posters. –Craig Ferguson

In the next few weeks, a group will assemble in the Vatican. Their job is to select a new Pope. The group will consist of 120 top cardinals and Simon Cowell. He’ll say, “Your Pope-ing is rubbish. You’re not going to the Vatican.” –Craig Ferguson

Pope Benedict has become the first Pope to retire in 600 years. You have to wonder what a Pope does in retirement. I heard a rumor he already cashed in his 401(k). –Jimmy Kimmel

My favorite part about today was when the Pope left the Vatican, he left in a helicopter — just like “The Bachelor.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Did you know the Pope is a helicopter pilot? He has a helicopter pilot’s license, but never got a driver’s license. He can fly a helicopter, but he can’t drive a car — just like Jesus before him. –Jimmy Kimmel

Pope Benedict officially retired today. People are actually placing bets on who the next Pope will be. At least that’s what I heard during my fantasy Pope draft. -Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday the Senate confirmed Jack Lew to be President Obama’s new Treasury Secretary. Unfortunately, if the sequester happens he’ll have to be let go due to budget cuts. -Jimmy Fallon

Actually, with automatic spending cuts scheduled for tomorrow, 300 illegal immigrants have been released from jail in Arizona. Or as officials put it, “Catch ya later.” -Jimmy Fallon

The NFL is investigating reports that several teams have asked players about their sexual orientation before drafting them. They’ve been asking questions like, “Do you have a girlfriend?” and “Is she real?” -Jimmy Fallon

Dennis Rodman visited North Korea. Rodman came back and said President Obama should call North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. But President Obama was busy discussing Iran’s nuclear capabilities with Scottie Pippen. –Conan O’Brien

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

This horse meat scandal just keeps growing. And it isn’t happening only in Europe. According to a new report, donkey meat has been found in hamburgers in South Africa. Consumers said when they were eating the burgers, they sensed something was wrong but they couldn’t quite pin a tail on it. –Jay Leno

In fact, in South Africa more than two-thirds of the meat products tested contained undeclared ingredients. Or as we call that in this country, a hot dog. –Jay Leno

For the first time ever, NBC finished fifth in the ratings. Fifth! If we were a racehorse in England, we’d be a Burger King Whopper now. –Jay Leno

President Obama said this week that after four years as president, “you realize all the mistakes you’ve made.” so apparently he DOES watch Fox News. –Jay Leno

Today the Pope made his last public appearance. That is, until the new season of “Dancing With the Stars.” –Conan O’Brien

The Pope said that the past few years have been very difficult for the church and at times he felt that “the lord seemed to be asleep.” When asked for comment the lord said, “You try staying awake through a Latin mass.” –Conan O’Brien

Big international controversy about the Oscars. When they aired in Iran, the Iranian government digitally added sleeves to Michelle Obama’s gown. They also altered the video so that Jennifer Lawrence is now deliberately tripped by the Israelis. –Conan O’Brien

Hundreds of employees of Weight Watchers are complaining about the company’s low wages. The employees said, “They’re paying us peanuts. By the way, they’re only six points per serving.” –Conan O’Brien

It’s tax season. Has anybody been to their accountant? I used to go in with a short form and be out of there in 10 minutes. Well, now I went to the guy and the first thing he says to me when I walk into the office is, “Are you sure you weren’t tailed?” –David Letterman

Sequesters — any idea what those are? The star of “Rocky” was Sequester Stallone. That’s as close as I can come. –David Letterman

Congratulations to Chuck Hagel, new secretary of defense. And today, he’s already off to a bad start. He’s going to bring all of the troops home from Afghanistan, but they’re coming on a Carnival cruise. –David Letterman

Italy just had its elections. There’s no winner. There’s no government in Italy. People over there have been running wild through the streets, waving their hands in the air. And then they heard about the elections. –Craig Ferguson

Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he’s got what it takes to be a priest — or an interior decorator. –Craig Ferguson

A lot of Americans can’t believe how crazy the politics are in Italy. A comedian might become prime minister. We would never do that in America. A pro wrestler? Sure. Stuart Smalley from “Saturday Night Live”? Yeah. –Craig Ferguson

TLC has renewed its reality show, “Breaking Amish,” for a second season. Parents of those kids would be so proud if they had any idea what that meant. –Jimmy Fallon

Americans are bracing for this thing called the sequester — when $85 billion will be cut from almost every part of the budget. So teachers, meat inspectors, and TSA workers will all be affected. So if you’re someone who teaches people how to keep bad meat off airplanes, this is a tough weekend. –Jimmy Fallon

In his final speech before resigning, Pope Benedict said that he is not abandoning the Catholic Church. Like most Catholics, he’ll be back for Christmas and Easter. –Jimmy Fallon

Researchers in Germany now say that human longevity has improved so rapidly over the past century that 72 is the new 30. That is bad news for parents. You’ll never get the kids out of the house now. “Dad, I’m only 50. That’s like 17.” –Jay Leno

A storm dumped 17 inches of snow on Amarillo, Texas, yesterday. It was really confusing for people sneaking over the border. They thought they’d gone all the way to Canada. –Jay Leno

In a White House briefing, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano warned that sequestration would affect border security. Her remarks raised eyebrows in Washington and got big laughs in Mexico. –Jay Leno

Doesn’t sequestration sound like some kind of side effect from a bad medicine? –Jay Leno

Somebody noticed that none of the Oscar winners thanked God. To add insult to injury, at his last sermon, the same day, the Pope thanked Harvey Weinstein and Meryl Streep. –Conan O’Brien

It’s being reported that next season, “Downton Abbey” will feature its first black character. The producers hope this will lead to “Downton Abbey’s” first black viewer. –Conan O’Brien

Longevity scientists said that compared to last century, 72 is the new 30. However, they said that Larry King is still very, very old. –Conan O’Brien

The White House officially released portraits of the White House gang. You can all see the portrait of Hillary Clinton. It will be on next month’s cover of the “Sports Illustrated” pantsuit issue.  –David Letterman

The Pope was fired a couple weeks ago. They caught him stealing communion wafers. –David Letterman

The Pope does not earn a nickel. No paycheck, no money coming in, nothing. That must drive his wife crazy. –David Letterman

Earlier tonight ABC announced its new “Dancing With the Stars” lineup. I was confused. I thought the sequester eliminated that. –David Letterman

Today they announced the new cast of “Dancing With the Stars.” Guess who they got this year? Ingo Rademacher. I can’t believe they got him or her. –Craig Ferguson

The show also got Dorothy Hamill and Andy Dick. I know Dorothy Hamill and Andy Dick. One is the prancing ice princess who stole my heart in Montreal and the other one is Dorothy Hamill. –Craig Ferguson

This morning on “Good Morning America,” ABC unveiled the new cast of “Dancing With the Stars.” It was a who’s who of who needs money. –Jimmy Kimmel

TLC announced that “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” will soon be on the air in Australia, Latin America, and the Netherlands. Personally, I’m not in favor of exporting our reality shows to other countries. Deporting our reality shows, yes. But exporting, no. –Jimmy Kimmel

Manti Te’o was apparently one of the slowest linebackers to run the 40-yard dash at the NFL’s scouting combine yesterday. You can tell he took it to heart because today he spent three hours on an imaginary Stairmaster. –Jimmy Fallon

Kim Kardashian said that she and Kanye West want to get married, but they’re not going to rush it. And also because they have to wait until Kim is actually divorced. –Jimmy Fallon

Beyoncé has actually designed her own pair of sneakers. The sneakers are made of stingray, ostrich, cat hair, crocodile, and anaconda skins. So if you want a pair of those sneakers, you’d better order them now while species last. –Jimmy Fallon

The online college, the University of Phoenix, could lose its license because of questionable billing policies. Which makes sense when you find out they got their accounting degree from the University of Phoenix. –Jimmy Fallon

“Life of Pi” took home four Oscars. It’s about a young boy trapped at sea on a small boat with a man-eating tiger. Yet with all that, it’s still a better way to travel than a Carnival cruise. –Jay Leno

Jennifer Lawrence won for best actress and worst stuntwoman. –Jay Leno

There was one glaring omission in the “In memoriam” reel: Lindsay Lohan’s career. Didn’t that die last year? –Jay Leno

Pizzas in Denmark have been discovered with horse meat. Pizzas with horse meat. How fast does THAT get delivered to your house? –Jay Leno

Welcome to the show. I’m Conan O’Brien — or perhaps I’m Daniel Day-Lewis in his greatest role yet. –Conan O’Brien

Last night a toilet flooded the lobby where the Oscars show was being held. The show won an Oscar for best portrayal of a Carnival cruise. –Conan O’Brien

Big winner last night was “Life of Pi,” a story of a young man who wakes up in a lifeboat with a hyena, zebra, orangutan, and tiger, which oddly enough, is also the plot of “The Hangover 3.” –Conan O’Brien

South Korea’s first female president was sworn in. Meanwhile, North Korea said, “We’re just going to stick with men named Kim.” –Conan O’Brien

Anybody see the Academy Awards last night? The show was so long that by the middle of the show the audience was begging Daniel Day-Lewis to free them. –David Letterman

Last night’s Academy Awards lasted about three hours and 40 minutes. Even Jennifer Lawrence’s dress was like, “That’s way too long.” –Jimmy Fallon

The entire cast of “Les Miserables” performed a song from the movie, featuring Russell Crowe. Or as the cast of “Zero Dark Thirty” put it, “Now this is torture.” –Jimmy Fallon

The company that owns Olive Garden announced that its revenue has dropped 5 percent in the last quarter. Which explains their new promotion: limited bread sticks. –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

Former Senator Pete Domenici of New Mexico revealed that while in office he fathered a child with the daughter of another senator, who was a friend of his. He cheated on his wife with the daughter of another senator and they had a baby. When did the Senate become “The Jerry Springer Show”? –Jay Leno

Domenici is defending himself by saying that he is no better or worse than the next guy. And he’s right, because you know who the next guy was? John Edwards.  –Jay Leno

The former San Diego mayor, Maureen O’Connor, told federal prosecutors she went broke after gambling away more than a billion dollars she inherited from her late husband at casinos playing video poker. But to be fair, at one point, she was up 300 bucks. –Jay Leno

Former Chicago Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. pled guilty to misusing hundreds of thousands of dollars of campaign funds for personal use, including buying a $43,000 Rolex watch. How ironic is that? All that money on a watch, and now he’s going to wind up doing time. –Jay Leno

I’ve got the latest Oscar buzz. Many Pakistanis are saying that “Zero Dark Thirty” contains factual errors. Then someone explained to the Pakistanis that being directed by a woman does not qualify as a factual error. -Conan O’Brien

It’s been reported that after the Pope retires he’ll receive a relatively small pension. So don’t be surprised to see an elderly German on the sidewalk with a sign that reads “Will Pope for food.” -Conan O’Brien

It’s being reported that the next Pope could be a cardinal from Boston. That means the Vatican may soon endorse birth control but only for Yankee fans. -Conan O’Brien

It’s still winter here in New York City. It’s 28 and bitter, like Lindsay Lohan. -David Letterman

They’re going to miss Pope Benedict. He’s very underrated. This is the guy who wanted to replace Communion wafers with unlimited bread sticks. -David Letterman

They’re looking for a new Pope. Each candidate will get a week’s tryout with Kelly Ripa. -David Letterman

A woman called 911 because she ran out of cigarettes. You don’t see me calling 911 because I run out of jokes, do you? Not anymore, anyway. -David Letterman

t’s a great day for the city of Los Angeles. We’ve become the first city to synchronize all of our traffic lights. This will make it easier to get downtown and watch the Lakers lose. –Craig Ferguson

Today the Bulgarian prime minister, Boyko Borisov, stepped down. He’s stepping down like the Pope, but with a funnier name and a smaller hat. –Craig Ferguson

I’m not sure who’ll replace Boyko Borisov. My money’s on Ashton Kutcher. –Craig Ferguson

Robert Plant told Australia’s version of “60 Minutes” that he’d be willing to reform Led Zeppelin. When I heard this, I said, “What? Australia has a “60 Minutes?” –Craig Ferguson

A woman in New York has been arrested for hiring strippers to perform at her son’s 16th birthday party. Even Dina and Michael Lohan were like, “That’s a really bad parenting choice.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Florida Atlantic University announced a new corporate sponsor for their football stadium. It happens to be America’s second largest operator of for-profit prisons. I guess they figured a lot of the athletes end up in prison anyway. –Jimmy Kimmel

The school, Florida Atlantic University, says very little will change. The only change they’re making is that hot dogs will now go for two packs of cigarettes. –Jimmy Kimmel

In November, Colorado voted to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. Currently, only Colorado residents can purchase marijuana in the state. But they may open it up to nonresidents too. The new state slogan is “Come for the legal marijuana, stay because you forgot to leave.” –Jimmy Kimmel

I guess to appeal to a younger audience, this year’s Academy Awards are just being referred to as the Oscars. And to appeal to an even younger audience, they’re spelling Oscar with a “z” — and backwards in crayon. –Jimmy Fallon

There’s talk that the White House may fine China for its recent cyber attacks on American companies. The fine could total in the millions of dollars, which is great because we could really use that money to pay back China. –Jimmy Fallon

In an effort to reduce its debt, the U.S. Postal Service is launching its own line of clothing and accessories. They come in one size, embarrasses all. –Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend, President Obama played golf with Tiger Woods. Tiger said the president was a very good golfer for a guy who plays only five days a week. –Jay Leno

Actually, you know what the president’s handicap is? He doesn’t understand economics. –Jay Leno

Actually, Tiger Woods gave the president some very valuable tips. The most valuable one? Erase all of your text messages. –Jay Leno

You knew this was going to happen. Dozens and dozens of lawsuits have already been filed against Carnival Cruise Lines. Well, if you thought the ship was filthy, slimy, and disgusting, wait until these lawyers get involved. –Jay Leno

The Italian press is reporting that the next Pope could be the cardinal from Boston. If he gets the job, he’ll be the first Pope to make you kiss his 2007 World Series ring. -Conan O’Brien

A top food manufacturer is reporting that some of their pasta meals contain horse meat. So if I were you, I’d stay away from the “Rigatoni, My Little Pony.” -Conan O’Brien

In Massachusetts, a dad promised his daughter $200 if she would get off Facebook, which is ridiculous, because every parent knows the best way to get a kid off of Facebook is to join Facebook. -Conan O’Brien

Yesterday Burger King’s official Twitter account got hacked. When asked for comment, people who follow Burger King on twitter were too embarrassed to identify themselves. -Conan O’Brien

I have a special treat for the audience here tonight. Save your ticket stubs, all right? Somebody’s going on a Carnival Cruise! -David Letterman

The Pope, a couple of weeks ago, was fired. One day you’re the leader of the Catholic Church, and the next day you’re at Denny’s blowing on your soup. -David Letterman

Here’s one of the odd things about being Pope. You’re the Pope and you’re in your office and sitting at your desk, and on your desk is a photo of your boss’s son. -David Letterman

Pope Benedict is deaf in one ear. He’s deaf in one ear and also a little bit blind, but boy, he sure could play a mean pinball. -David Letterman

It’s a great day for a bunch of thieves in Belgium. They got away with more than $50 million worth of pure, uncut diamonds. This diamond heist is the biggest robbery ever pulled off at an airport if you don’t count them charging $25 to check a bag. –Craig Ferguson

The thieves got away in a minivan. Police are blaming the Serbian crime syndicate. In a minivan? I think it’s diabolical soccer moms. –Craig Ferguson

When I hear about a crime like this, part of me thinks it’s kind of cool. But it’s not right. Stealing is never cool. They took something without it being funny. This wasn’t “Ocean’s 11.” These guys just came up and took someone’s hard-earned money without being at all funny or cool. So it’s more like “Ocean’s 12.” –Craig Ferguson

In a new interview, Bill Gates said he’s not satisfied with the level of innovation at Microsoft. He would’ve said more, but he had to hang up the phone so his assistant could use the Internet. –Jimmy Fallon

Today North Korea announced that its tourism has steadily increased over the last 10 years. You can tell they’re trying to boost tourism with their new slogan, “North Korea: You’ll Never Want to Leave, Because We Won’t Let You.” –Jimmy Fallon

Reader’s Digest has filed for bankruptcy, just one week after the Pope resigned. Man, my grandmother hasn’t been this depressed since Michael Bublé got married. –Jimmy Fallon

Lawmakers in Montana are considering a bill that would make it legal for people to take road kill home and use it as food. When Montana residents heard that, they were like, “Wait, that was illegal?” –Jimmy Fallon

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