darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brein, David Letterman and Craig Ferguson:

“Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.” –David Letterman

“Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that he is releasing the two American hikers from captivity in Iran on humanitarian grounds. Then he went back to torturing dissidents.” –David Letterman

“The Tea Party is forming its own debt super committee that will meet this week at a Florida Denny’s. You do not want to be the waiter that adds the tax to their check.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama’s hometown newspaper, the Chicago Tribune has called on Obama not to run for re-election. He has to run. He knows there are no other jobs out there.” –Jay Leno

“The Solyndra executives are scheduled to testify before Congress, and they’re expected to take the 5th. Why not take the 5th? They’ve already taken $535 million.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama addressed the United Nations General Assembly. He opened up with a joke: ‘The American dollar is strong.’” –Jimmy Kimmel

“During a fundraiser in New York last night, President Obama said he was quote ‘in a New York state of mind.’ Of course, in a year he might be singing that other Billy Joel song, ”Movin’ Out.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Steven Spielberg is going to release a biopic about Abraham Lincoln next year. Right, that’s a good way to honor Lincoln – by sending people to the theater.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is now over. Gay people can enlist, fight overseas, and then not be able to get married when they get back home.” –Jay Leno

“The military’s policy of ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ is officially over. Don’t confuse this with President Obama’s economic policy, which is ‘don’t ask, I don’t want to talk about it.’” –Jay Leno

“Obama says his new plan to raise taxes on millionaires is not class warfare, it’s math. We Americans hate class warfare, but we also hate math.” –Jay Leno

“Congress’ approval rating has dropped to 12 percent. The other 88 percent are withholding judgment until Congress actually does something.” –Jay Leno

“A new survey shows that 1 in 5 Americans believe that God steers the economy. Mystery solved: God is Chinese.” –Conan O’Brien

“A satellite is now headed toward earth and the people at NASA have no idea where it will land. How would they know? It’s not like they’re rocket scientists.” –David Letterman

“Moammar Gadhafi released an audio message saying that he’s still in power, and just ‘temporarily’ going underground. Sure, just like my local Blockbuster is ‘temporarily’ closing its doors.” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama is speaking to the General Assembly tomorrow and he’s expected to urge the delegates to fight global warming, reduce poverty, and find out what the heck is happening at Netflix.” –Craig Ferguson

“Some critics say Obama should be focusing on jobs instead of addressing the UN. But I think it’s important for Obama to talk to the other countries – because they’re the ones that have all of our jobs.” –Craig Ferguson

“The most famous speech at the U.N. was Nikita Kruschev, who banged his shoe on the desk. I don’t mean he had sex with the shoe. That would have been Clinton. –Craig Ferguson

“The military’s controversial ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy was officially retired. This marks a new age of tolerance, acceptance, and awkward showering for everyone in the military.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I think this will have an effect on our enemies. Be warned, evildoers. First we will defeat you, then we will redecorate your entire country.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Some of the contestants on Dancing with the Stars … well, I’ve seen better dancing at the Republican National Convention. Nancy Grace showed how ironic a last name can be.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“China is now grading restaurants’ hygiene using smiley faces and frown faces. Really? Who do they have working on this stuff in China, kids? Oh.” –Jimmy Fallon

“That’s how ridiculous this policy was. The apology for the affront is, ‘Alright, you can go to Afghanistan and fight for your country.’” –Jon Stewart, on the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

“President Obama says his new jobs bill will create over 1.9 million jobs — and up to 50 of them will be right here in America.” –Jay Leno

“Obama said Americans feel things aren’t fair, that the deck is stacked against them, and that nobody is paying attention. That’s an inspiring campaign speech.” –Jay Leno

“Did you know the White House makes its own beer? President Obama bought the equipment with his own money and he brews his own beer in the White House. That might explain some of these recent economic policies.” –Jay Leno

“More and more information coming out about our other presidential candidates. Like, did you know that Mitt Romney’s real name is Willard? He was born Willard. Well, thank god he had the good sense to change it to “Mitt.” That’s so much more accessible than Will.” –Jay Leno

“An article in the paper says today that Rick Perry is just ‘George Bush 2.0.’ To which Bush said ‘2.0? I wish I did that well in school. Those are my dream grades.” –Jay Leno

“This week, the U.S. military will formally end it’s ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy. Later this week, the Air Force begins Operation ‘It’s Raining Men.’” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama has proposed a new tax increase called the ‘Buffett rule.’ At first, Newt Gingrich was for it because he thought it was the ‘buffet rule.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Michelle Obama has convinced the owners of the Olive Garden to cut calories and sodium by 20 percent. They took the first lady’s advice because Michelle Obama is more Italian than anybody that works at the Olive Garden.” –Conan O’Brien

“All the world leaders at the United Nations agree on one thing: Superman has got to do more.” –David Letterman

“At the United Nations in New York, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was bragging that Iran now leads the world in captured hikers.” –David Letterman

“Nobody likes hiking more than I do, but it seems to me that if you have an atlas, you can find many places to go hiking – that aren’t Iraq or Korea.” –David Letterman

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman and Craig Ferguson:

“Bachmann says she wants to end things that are ‘vulgar and a detriment to society.’ She’s talking about me, right?” –David Letterman

“It’s 95 and miserable today, like Rupert Murdoch. I think you folks should know the air conditioning is hooked up to the applause sign.” –David Letterman

“Michele Bachmann and her husband run this institution where they try to ‘pray away the gay.’ They want gay guys to think outside the bun.” –Jay Leno

“It was so hot in the United Kingdom that Rupert Murdoch was hacking into the phone calls of Eskimos.” –Jay Leno

“The royal couple has left Los Angeles after a short visit. It’s the first time that two unemployed people from another country have come to L.A. and left.” –Jay Leno

“The FBI is investigating after a stun gun was found on a flight to Newark, New Jersey. They think a passenger planned to use the stun gun on himself when he realized he was on a flight to Newark, New Jersey.” –Jay Leno

“Hitler’s birthplace in Austria has revoked his honorary citizenship. Talk about a rush to judgment.” –Jay Leno

“A lawmaker in California is pushing for 13 counties to break away and form a new state called South California.  Meanwhile, residents are pushing for a more fitting name: ‘North Mexico.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“While criticizing President Obama over debt talks, John Boehner said quote, ‘It takes two to tango.’ Then Biden was like, ‘Sure, but it only takes one to break dance.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Arnold Schwarzenegger announced today he’s going back to the thing he does best. No, not that thing; the other thing. He’s going to star in a new Western. I think it’s called ‘Butch Cassiday and the Illegitimate Kid.’ ‘Somebody has to clean up this town. Who’s going to clean it up? Where’s the maid?’” –Craig Ferguson

“We’re three weeks from having to park our car down the street so China can’t find it, and Congress is refighting fluorescent v. incandescent light bulbs.” –Jon Stewart

“Republicans are job creationists. We know the rich create jobs. Democrats believe that jobs just EVOLVE from millions of years of stimulus packages.” –Daily Show senior debt correspondent Wyatt Cenac

“The royal couple really immersed themselves in American culture while visiting. In fact, when they left, they were $2 trillion in debt.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama’s staff got raises of 8 percent, more than double the average for regular Americans, which is 3 percent. But to be fair, many of them will be unemployed next November.” –Jay Leno

“A right-wing religious group in Iowa is now asking all the Republican presidential candidates to sign a pledge to remain faithful to their spouse. Isn’t that the marriage pledge?” –Jay Leno

“The U.S. is now in serious danger of defaulting on our foreign loans, which explains why today, China showed up and broke the Statue of Liberty’s kneecaps.” –Jimmy Fallon

“On Friday, a woman in Texas gave birth to a baby boy weighing in at 16 pounds, 1 ounce. When they did the sonogram, the doctor was like, ‘I’m not sure if it’s a boy or a girl, but it’s definitely an American.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Eliot Spitzer’s show on CNN was canceled. So you wonder, how will the guy kill an hour?” –David Letterman

“In the media business, being evil isn’t always a bad thing (referring to Robert Murdoch). There’s also the lovable kind of evil that we have here at CBS. ” –Craig Ferguson

“One of Murdoch’s tabloids was hacking people’s phones and listening to their voicemails. Victims said their iPhones were so messed up that they were actually working.” –Craig Ferguson

“Murdoch shut down News of the World, which was almost 160 years old. It’s always sad when something that old comes to an end. It was like the last episode of ‘Larry King Live.’” –Craig Ferguson

A report says that a growing number of Americans are worth $1 million. The bad news: last year they were worth $5 million. –Jay Leno

We’re getting closer and closer to the country going into default. We could be out of money by August 2. How many people are surprised we still have enough money to make it until August 2? –Jay Leno

President Obama ordered Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner to take what little money we have left and buy lottery tickets. –Jay Leno

It’s so hot that instead of tapping phones, Rupert Murdoch has been tapping kegs. –David Letterman

They’re going to announce the Emmy Awards for television honors. It’s a nice feeling to be ignored by your peers. –David Letterman

Congress is pledging to work around the clock until they’re absolutely certain they will get nothing done. –David Letterman

The world’s steepest roller coaster opened in Japan. It goes 80 mph and flips upside down seven times. It’s like carpooling with Mel Gibson. –Craig Ferguson

There’s talk that Lindsay Lohan’s mother, Dina, will be on the next season of “Dancing With the Stars.” Which explains the show’s new title, “Dancing With the Non-star Parents of Former Stars.” –Jimmy Fallon

Saks Fifth Avenue is planning to open a new store next year in Kazakhstan. Or as it will be called there, “Saks Dirt Road.” –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Kimmel and David Letterman:

“The world was supposed to end last Saturday but at the last minute, it was picked up for another season.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Harold Camping has shifted his prediction of the apocalypse from May 21 to October 21, which is great because now I don’t have to buy a Halloween costume.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“A new study found that cleaning your house can increase stress. Yeah, but so can hiring someone else to do it for you — just ask Maria Shriver.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Turns out that Maria Shriver could end up with 100,000,000 dollars from her divorce from Arnold. She deserves it. She was a devoted wife and mother to at least 40 percent of his children.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Harold Camping, who predicted the end of the world, says the new date for the apocalypse is October 21. If it rains, it will be October 22.” –David Letterman

“Dick Cheney is publishing a memoir. He’s very thorough, and to get all of the facts for his book, he actually had to waterboard himself.” –David Letterman

“In college, Cheney went through a rebellious phase where he experimented with smiling.” –David Letterman

“Harold Camping has now changed his prediction of the Rapture to October 21. Does Jesus work for the cable company now? “I’ll be there sometime between May and October, between 9 and 5.” –Jay Leno

“The Rapture-predicting preacher, Harold Camping, is really scaling back his predictions. He now predicts the end of the month will be May 31.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama told the Irish people that America will always stand by them, to which Israel laughed.” –Jay Leno

“Obama was also in England, where the queen suggested that we go back to the pre-1776 borders.” –Jay Leno

“According to Osama bin Laden’s journals that were taken during the raid, he wanted to attack L.A. He changed his mind when he realized that he had nothing against the Mexican people.” –Jay Leno

“The good news is, the apocalypse did not happen. The bad news is, we thought it would so we don’t have much of a plan for the show.” –Conan O’Brien

“Arnold Schwarzenegger might have to give Maria Shriver 100,000,000 dollars in a divorce settlement. When asked for a comment Arnold said, “But I have families to support.” –Conan O’Brien
“A new law in Utah makes it illegal for a person to publicly touch their own genitals. In other words, Utah is never getting a major league baseball team.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama just kicked off a 6-day European tour. It’s terrifying because this means Joe Biden is in charge.” –Craig Ferguson

“I’m glad President Obama is reconnecting with his roots in Ireland. When people here in L.A. do that, it means they go a month without getting their hair colored.” –Craig Ferguson

“I tell you what; Hawaiian, Kenya, Irish – this guy truly is the Epcot Center of presidents.” –Jimmy Kimmel, on President Obama visiting Ireland and meeting some of his Irish relatives

“I gave my Beanie Baby collection up for no reason at all.” –Jimmy Kimmel, on the Rapture not happening

“President Obama is on a big European trip this week, and I heard that he’s sleeping at Buckingham Palace when he visits England. That’s when you know the U.S. is short on cash — when even Obama’s like, ‘Hey, is it cool if I crash at your place?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama visited the Irish village where his great-great-great-grandfather was born. Of course, that was always disputed by his great-great-great-grandfather’s archrival, Donny McTrump.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels emailed his supporters over the weekend to tell them he’s not running for president. In response, his supporters were like, ‘Dad, we live in the same house. Couldn’t you just tell us in person?” –Jimmy Fallon

“There are rumors Arnold Schwarzenegger may have had a second child with another woman. I can’t believe Arnold would cheat on his mistress like that.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump said he may reverse his position and decide to run for president. He said he wants to do it because President Obama is being so indecisive.” –Jay Leno

President Obama told Queen Elizabeth that he likes the tea parties in England much better than the ones in the United States. –Jay Leno

I like to think Oprah will be like Batman, and that we can shine a spotlight into the sky and she’ll reappear when we need her most — like when we can’t figure out what to read. –Craig Ferguson

One of Sarah Palin’s supporters is about to release a documentary about her called “The Undefeated.” That’s like a documentary about Arnold Schwarzenegger called “The Faithful.” –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump now says he may run for president as an independent. And when Donald Trump says he’s going do something, Donald Trump . . . says he’s going to do something. –Jimmy Fallon

Rudy Giuliani is apparently thinking about running for president. Wow, that would bring us to, like, seven candidates — and about 35 ex-wives. –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians over the last week including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien,David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson:

Over a million female employees are suing Walmart claiming that women are paid less than men. Walmart denied the claim, saying they underpay all their employees equally. –Jay Leno

A museum of organized crime opened in Las Vegas. Actually, Las Vegas is the museum of organized crime. –Jay Leno

President Obama says that he prays every night before bed. Or as Fox News reported, “Obama in Daily Talks With Allah.” –Conan O’Brien

Obama said that one solution for using less oil is more nuclear power. He also admitted that he doesn’t follow the news. –Conan O’Brien

English farmers are feeding their cattle healthier food to reduce the amount of gas they produce. Farmers also say they won’t fall for the old “pull my hoof” trick. –Conan O’Brien

In an interview with ABC, President Obama said he has to do something about the bags under his eyes. In response, Nancy Pelosi was like, “Call this number and tell them Pelosi sent you.” –Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that 55 percent of men expect to pay on the first date. While the other 45 percent have never been on a second date. –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama’s speech on Libya was scheduled early so it wouldn’t interrupt ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ That’s ridiculous. This is a major historical event that affects the lives of millions of people. I can’t believe it was almost interrupted by Obama’s speech.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The latest episode of ‘Dancing With the Stars’ was preceded by Obama’s new show, ‘Dancing Around the Objectives in Libya.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Critics were saying Obama seemed defensive and slightly angry during his speech on Libya. Sounds like somebody’s March Madness bracket isn’t doing so hot.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.” –Craig Ferguson

“Donald Trump might be running for president and he just released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as ‘blue’ and his hair as ‘ridiculous.’” –Conan O’Brien

“We’re down to the final four now. Only four Middle East countries we haven’t attacked.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama spoke about our role in Libya. He’s not sure when the war will end, what happens when we win, or how much it will cost, but other than that it was quite informative.” –Jay Leno

“Obama wanted to update the American people on Libya but unless Snooki is going to Libya, the American people don’t care.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama said the United States has clear and focused goals in Libya. He said he would share those goals with us as soon as Hillary shares them with him.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A reporter in Florida claimed he was locked in a closet by Joe Biden’s staff to keep him from talking to people at an event. It wouldn’t have been so bad if Biden hadn’t been locked in there too for the same reason.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Census Bureau says 50 million Hispanic people now live in the U.S. You know what that means: 80 million Hispanic people now live in the U.S.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Congress is mad at President Obama because he didn’t consult them before the war in Libya. Congress got us into two other wars and put us 14 trillion dollars in debt. I can’t imagine why he didn’t consult them.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama addressed the nation on Libya. This changes his previous policy on Libya, which was, ‘don’t ask, don’t tell.’” –Jay Leno

“Instead of calling our mission in Libya a war, the White House is calling it a ‘kinetic military action,’ which sounds better than ‘potentially endless quagmire.’” –Jay Leno

“In the wake of record losses, the U.S. Postal Service announced it is cutting 7,500 jobs. But a spokesman for the post office said those positions could be restored if this whole email thing turns out to be nothing but a fad.” –Jay Leno

“About Libya, President Obama says we’re staying for a short time and then leaving. That’s what my relatives always say.” –David Letterman

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Fallon and Craig Ferguson:

“Michelle Obama says her husband, President Obama, has quit smoking. Fox News reported this as ‘Obama Destroying the Tobacco Industry.’” –Craig Ferguson

“Joe Biden announced plans for a $53 billion train system. To offset the cost, they’re raising the price of a train ticket to $53 billion.” –Craig Ferguson

“Vice presidents love technology: Joe Biden with the trains, Al Gore with the Internet, and Dick Cheney with the electric torture clamps.” –Craig Ferguson

“The literary world has been abuzz after Bristol Palin released a 304-page memoir. At her age, it’s not called a memoir, it’s called a diary.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Nancy Pelosi described Justin Bieber as ‘adorable but also substantial,’ while Justin Bieber described Nancy Pelosi as ‘court ordered to maintain a distance of 300 feet at all times.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is the richest man in the world, with more than $70 billion in hidden assets. That will go up even more once his unemployment kicks in.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Prince William’s nightclub owner friend is said to be planning a wild bachelor party. It must be weird stuffing a bill in a stripper’s g-string when it has a picture of your grandmother on it.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Catholic Church has approved a new app that lets you make confessions over your iPhone. It also raises the possibility of accidentally butt-dialing God.” –Conan O’Brien

“The economics professor who helped craft President Obama’s healthcare plan is going to explain that plan in a comic book. As a result, President Bush has now come out in favor of Obama’s healthcare plan.” –Conan O’Brien

“An Egyptian Google executive has become a hero to Egyptian protestors for a Facebook page he created. Still no luck selling his futon on Craigslist, though.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama urged private businesses to hire more workers. He didn’t realize that only the government hires more people than it needs.” –Jay Leno

“Washington, D.C. is updating its traffic cameras to enforce traffic laws. How about enforcing bribery and corruption laws?” –Jay Leno

“Keith Olbermann has a new show on Al Gore’s new network. I’m not saying the audience is small, but he begins his show with, Good evening, Al.” –Jay Leno

“There was a power outage at Newark Airport. Who wants a TSA pat-down with the lights off?” –Jay Leno

“Peru has changed its national anthem. It wasn’t too hard to change the lyrics. They just let Christina Aguilera sing it.” –Jay Leno

“The head of Homeland Security told people at the game, if they saw anything not right give them a call. They got 50 million calls as soon as Christina Aguilera started singing the National Anthem. The good news, you can’t accuse her of lip syncing.” –Jay Leno

“Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak told ABC news that he would like to step down from power immediately, but if he did, it could cause chaos in his country. Well, you would hate to see that happen.” –Jay Leno

“Christina Aguilera sang the wrong words to ‘The Star-Spangled Banner.’ And even worse, the Black Eyed Peas sang their songs exactly right.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama had a Super Bowl party which featured food from both Wisconsin and Pennsylvania, which explains why he tested positive for diabetes the next morning.” –Conan O’Brien

“Over the weekend Dick Cheney declared Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak a good friend. Mubarak said, ‘Dude, that’s not really helping.’” –Conan O’Brien

“A lot of Americans are still trapped in Egypt. They’re being advised to bring their own food and water to the airport. Also their own plane.” –Conan O’Brien

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians this week including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien and Craig Ferguson:

“ Sarah Palin’s reality show will not be returning as she contemplates a possible run for president in 2012. When a candidate walks away from a reality show, that’s when you know they’re serious about being president of the United States.” –Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin should pick The Situation from ‘Jersey Shore’ as her vice president. That way, we can get rid of two reality shows at once.” –Jay Leno

“Chinese President Hu Jintao will be at the White House next week. The good news is, he has no plans to foreclose. We can stay another month.” –Jay Leno

“Former U.S. House Majority Leader, Tom DeLay, has been sentenced to three years in prison. One year for money laundering and two more for his performance on ‘Dancing with the Stars.’” –Jay Leno

“Sad news. It looks like ‘Sarah Palin’s Alaska’ won’t be back for a second year. How does that make her feel? She was governor, almost vice president. She gets one year. Snooki’s on her third year.” –Jay Leno

“Due to the recession there are now 15,000 less lawyers. Nobody ever talks about the good things that happen because of the recession.” –Jay Leno

“Police are looking for a man in Phoenix who robbed a bank and told the teller he wanted the money in twenties, forties and sixties. Authorities believe he could be one of President Obama’s economic advisers.” –Jay Leno

“San Francisco celebrated the opening of the nation’s first gay history museum. The museum is called ‘San Francisco.’” –Conan O’Brien

“The date 1/11/11 only happens once every hundred years. When Larry King heard, he said, ‘This again?’” –Conan O’Brien

“Wikipedia is 10 years old this week. Well, I read that on Wikipedia, so it’s probably not true.” –Craig Ferguson

“The two biggest websites right now are Wikipedia, where you go to learn about things you care about, and Facebook, where you go to learn about people you stopped caring about years ago.” –Craig Ferguson

“Last night was possibly the last show ever of ‘Sarah Palin’s Alaska,’ for several reasons. She might run for President and would have to abide by the equal time rules. Also, she just likes to quit things.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“John Edwards has denied ‘The National Enquirer’ story that he asked his mistress to marry him. Who are you gonna believe, the sleazy purveyor of lies or ‘The National Enquirer’?” –Jay Leno

“A new study shows that a woman’s tears can chemically lower the level of testosterone in a man. When that happens, the man will also start to cry and then eventually be elected speaker of the House.” –Jay Leno

“Illinois officials report that drug sniffing dogs are wrong as much as 70 percent of the time — probably because they’re sniffing drugs all day.” –Jay Leno

“The Obama administration announced that the economy added 103,000 new jobs in December — mostly to homeless radio announcers.” –Jay Leno

“Over 400 people have volunteered to take a one-way trip to Mars to begin colonization. The last people we want starting a civilization on Mars are the people that volunteer to do it.” –Jimmy Fallon

“California Congresswoman Lynn Woolsey referred to the war in Afghanistan as a ‘national embarrassment.’ Then she watched the premiere of ‘Jersey Shore’ and was like, ‘Never mind.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Lawmakers are getting tough on bullying. New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie signed some of the toughest anti-bullying laws in the nation. Then someone gave Christie a wedgie and said, ‘Ha ha. You’ve got a girl’s last name.’” –Conan O’Brien

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some very funny jokes from the late night comedians about the new TSA procedure of feeling up airline passengers from Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon and more:

“Have you heard the TSA’s new slogan? ‘We handle more junk than eBay.’” -Jay Leno

“TSA says they are going to crack down on the invasive pat-downs. In fact, one agent was transferred to another parish.” –David Letterman

“The TSA, it’s our business to touch yours.” –from a “Saturday Night Live” skit spoofing the TSA and their overly aggressive “junk-touching” pat-down procedures with an ad portraying TSA agents as sex workers

“I was over at Burbank airport and you could tell it’s Thanksgiving. I saw a TSA agent probing a guy with a turkey baster.” –Jay Leno

“The TSA has changed airport security guidelines. Now you can have an extensive body pat-down or a naked scan. I think I speak for everybody when I say, “Hey, why can’t we have both?” –David Letterman

“People are concerned that the new airport security scanners could lead to pictures of their genitals ending up on the Internet. Apparently no one has told them that without pictures of genitals, there would be no Internet.” –Conan O’Brien

“The TSA says they will allow pilots to pass through security more easily than before. I’d be happy if the pilots just went through the breathalyzer.” –Jay Leno

“If you believe the news, everyone is horrified by the security measures. Rush Limbaugh on the radio yesterday told President Obama, ‘Keep your hands off my tea bag.’ Don’t worry, Rush, even special ops couldn’t find your tea bag.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Hillary Clinton said on CBS that she would not submit to a pat-down, to which Bill Clinton said, ‘Tell me about it.’” –Jay Leno

“The major pilots unions are complaining about the use of full-body scanners and these pat-down techniques at the airport. Pilots say the searches make it almost impossible for them to smuggle in liquor.” –Jay Leno

“The day before Thanksgiving is National Opt-Out Day, where people are being asked to boycott the TSA’s full-body scanners. Sponsors of the event say people shouldn’t be made to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable while traveling. That’s what Thanksgiving with your family is for.” –Jimmy Fallon

“This year marks the first Thanksgiving in which travelers will get molested before they get to their uncle’s house.” -Seth Meyers

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some jokes about liberal politicians from the late night comedians covering the last year or so:

”A new poll shows that Tiger Woods’ popularity has dropped from 85 percent to 33 percent. President Obama’s popularity is also at 33 percent, but Tiger had more fun getting there.” —Conan O’Brien

”I read today that former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is considering running for the Senate. In fact he’s already holding fundraisers: $500 for the full hour and $300 for a half hour.” —Jimmy Fallon

”President Obama and the first lady say they will not be exchanging gifts this Christmas. Mrs. Obama says they used to, but she got tired of Barack promising big things and not delivering.” —Conan O’Brien

”Bill Clinton revealed that he now supports same-sex marriage, even though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his presidency, he also opposed his own marriage.” —Jimmy Fallon

”When you think about it and think about what it meant at the time and what it has meant since it really is one of those things that in our lifetime we have been tremendously lucky to observe the end of the wall in Berlin. The wall came down 20 years ago today. And that signaled the end of communism. Until, of course, Obama and his pinko buddies took over.” —David Letterman

”Yesterday, President Obama prank-called a Washington radio station, calling himself ‘Barry from D.C.’ Then, just to mess with him, Obama called Glenn Beck’s radio show as ‘B. Hussein from Kenya.”’ —Conan O’Brien

”In Austin, Texas, President Obama told an audience, ‘If you want to go forward you put your car in ‘D.’ If you want to go backward, you put your car in ‘R.” But you know something? Either way, the economy is still F’d.” —Jay Leno

”Google has announced that they’re going to give free Internet access in airports all across the country. It’s fantastic! Up until now, the only way to see something pornographic at an airport was to follow a senator into the bathroom.” —Craig Ferguson

”President Obama’s teleprompter fell to the ground and shattered yesterday during a speech on the economy. Wow, even speeches about the economy are crashing.” —Jimmy Fallon

”Bill Clinton has still got it. He’s still got it. He does! You think it’s easy to pick up two chicks in North Korea? But he did. And he brought them home. The two women are okay. They said they felt violated and dehumanized by their experience. And that was just the flight home.” —Bill Maher

”President Obama just held his first monthly bipartisan meeting and said that working together on jobs would be a good place to start. You know where else would have been a good place to start? A year ago.” —Jimmy Fallon

”President Obama says he will not support a healthcare plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, ‘pull the plug on Grandma.’ Apparently, Obama’s plan calls for the much quicker pillow option.” —Conan O’Brien

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson:

“Washington D.C. was under a tornado watch. It was pretty crazy, especially when the White House landed on Christine O’Donnell.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary Clinton turned 63 years old yesterday. Bill put rose petals on the bed in a nice hotel and then called Hillary and wished her happy birthday.” –Jimmy Fallon

‘Election Day is less than a week away. It’s a shame that either of these parties has to win.’ –Jay Leno

“It looks like California is on the verge of legalizing marijuana. You thought the haze over L.A. was bad before.” –Jay Leno

“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has canceled a train tunnel between New York and New Jersey. As a result, New Yorkers will have to get to New Jersey the same as they always have — by accident.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Sunday is Halloween — it’s the scariest day of the year. Unless you’re a Democrat – then it’s next Tuesday.” –Jay Leno

“Election Day is next Tuesday. According to a new poll, one out of three voters is still undecided. It’s a tough choice. Do you vote for the people who got us into this mess, or the people who can’t get us out of this mess?” –Jay Leno

“The President left a campaign event in Rhode Island yesterday saying he had to go home to ‘walk the dog and scoop the poop.’ That’s not a job for the president. Where’s Joe Biden?” –Jay Leno

“New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino’s Facebook page was hacked and someone wrote offensive remarks in the captions of his pictures. The remarks were so crazy and offensive that Paladino was like, ‘Are you sure I didn’t write these?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“NPR has fired Juan Williams after he said when he sees people in Muslim garb at the airport, he gets nervous. I get nervous when I see people in pilot uniforms hanging around the airport bar. Call me a bigot…” –Jay Leno

“According to a new L.A. Times poll in the gubernatorial race here in California, Jerry Brown now leads Meg Whitman 52 percent to 39 percent. She spent $163 million of her own money and she’s behind by 13 points. That’s the biggest expenditure of money for a loss since the Yankees.” –Jay Leno

“The man Dick Cheney shot in the face on that hunting trip like four years ago says that Cheney has never apologized. Hey pal, join the club. The rest of the country is way in front of you.” –Jay Leno

“According to The New York Post, Eliot Spitzer’s new show on CNN is having trouble booking guests. Well of course, they only pay scale. If you know anything about Eliot Spitzer’s past, he pays $5,000 an hour, usually.” –Jay Leno

“The judges were raving about Bristol Palin on “Dancing With the Stars.” Her mother must have threatened to shoot someone.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Former President George W. Bush has a memoir coming out soon. Between this and Justin Bieber’s book, this could be the biggest year ever for literature.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“There are strikes all over France because the government wants to raise the retirement age. The strikes are threatening the French way of life. Yesterday, an American had to walk all the way across Paris without getting insulted.” –Craig Ferguson

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the funniest jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel and Bill Maher:

“A very joyous week. A week where the whole world was watching a bunch of men trying to climb out of a hole they dug for themselves — but enough about the Democrats. Lets talk about those Chilean miners.” –Bill Maher

“Americans love Chilean miners. I haven’t seen so much hoopla about an endless procession emerging from a scary hole since the Octomom.” –Bill Maher

“One guy had four women waiting for him; there was the wife he never divorced, then there was the woman he lives with, then there was his current girlfriend and then the baby mama. He is now known as the Tiger Woods of mining.” –Bill Maher, on one of the Chilean miners

“They asked her to name a Supreme Court case that she disagreed with; she said Kramer vs. Kramer.” –Bill Maher on the debate between Delaware Senate candidates Christine O’Donnell and Chris Coons

“The Obama administration had quite a day today annihilating the people who might vote for them. They appealed the ruling striking down Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, even though they are supposed to be for striking it down. And then they said even if California legalized pot, the feds would still come in and bust people. But in fairness to Obama, it is an election year and Democrats can’t afford to be seen being for freedom or equality.” –Bill Maher

“New Rule: Jerry Brown must stop apologizing for being in the same room when someone called Meg Whitman a whore. If you want to see a woman really get mad, compare a whore to Meg Whitman.” –Bill Maher

“TLC just released a promo for Sarah Palin’s new reality show. Haven’t the last two years been her reality show?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Vice President Joe Biden told The New York Times that President Obama has asked him to run again in 2012. The bad news? Nobody is asking Obama yet.” –Jay Leno

“‘Jackass 3D’ just opened. It’s the life story of New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino.” –David Letterman

“Vice President Joe Biden said that the Democrats up for election aren’t running on their accomplishments because they’re too hard to explain. So basically he’s saying either voters are to stupid to understand or the Democrats are too stupid to explain it. You know what’s even harder to explain? Why the Democrats are letting Joe Biden talk with the election just a couple weeks away.” –Jay Leno

“Joe Biden said today President Obama has asked him to run again with him in 2010. So I think I speak for all late-night hosts when I say, ‘Thank you, Mr. President.” –Jay Leno

“For the first time in history, there are 100,000 home foreclosures in the month of September. 100,000 people were told this fall they were going to lose their house. 100,001 if you count Nancy Pelosi.” –Jay Leno

“You know that anti-gay candidate Carl Paladino running for governor? He had this horrible anti-gay thing the other day. It turns out he owns two buildings that house gay night clubs. So I guess when it comes to making money, Mr. Anti-Gay’s attitude is ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell.’” –Jay Leno

“Joe Biden told the New York Times that President Obama has already asked him to be his running mate in 2012. Not only that, he said Sarah Palin, Mitt Romey and the rest of the Republicans also asked him to be Obama’s running mate in 2012.” –Jimmy Fallon

“In three weeks Californians will vote on whether to legalize marijuana. Which means that three weeks and one day from now thousands of stoners will say, “Oh crap, that was yesterday?” –Jimmy Fallon

“California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman has released a new TV ad in both Mandarin and Cantonese. This is part of her effort to reach out to the Asian community. That’s how California works, where a white woman from back East, trying to replace an Austrian governor, runs an ad in Chinese to explain to people why she hired a Mexican maid.” –Jay Leno

“The Nobel Prize for economics was awarded to three economists. Should we have even given one out this year? If there’s one thing we’ve learned over the past two years, it’s that there’s no such thing as an expert in economics.” –Jay Leno

darnfunnyonline.com