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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, Stephen Colbert, and Jimmy Kimmel:

“A court has ruled that Rahm Emanuel is not legally allowed to run for mayor of Chicago, which in Chicago I believe means he won.” –Stephen Colbert

“A Chicago court ruled former White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel can’t run for Mayor of Chicago. However, according to Chicago law, he’s free to purchase the position.” –Conan O’Brien

“MSNBC has abruptly ended their relationship with Keith Olbermann, and according to his contract he’s not allowed back on television for at least six months. Or as industry experts call it, The Conan.” –Conan O’Brien

“Tomorrow is the State of the Union Address, and Republicans and Democrats will sit together intermingled, if for no other reason than the raw sexual tension.” –Conan O’Brien

“The Pope praised Facebook but said it is no substitute for human interaction. Then the Pope reminded everyone that human interaction is a sin.” –Conan O’Brien

“Vice President Joe Biden was called for jury duty. He can get out of it if he can convince the judge that his presence at his job is essential. So he’s going to jury duty.” –Jay Leno

“Chinese President Hu Jintao was hinting that China may not loan the U.S. any more money. President Obama is now talking to him about a reverse mortgage.” –Jay Leno

Last night, President Obama gave the State of the Union address. Vice President Biden called it a great speech. House Speaker John Boehner called it a real tearjerker. –Jay Leno

President Obama said our country is facing another Sputnik moment, which is well over the heads of a lot of young people. They think Sputnik is Snooki’s older sister. –Jay Leno

Did you see the pictures of Snooki sitting next to Kim Kardashian at an NBA game over the weekend? It looked like Kim was staring at herself in a funhouse mirror. –Jay Leno

A social networking revolution has started in Saudi Arabia. Over 10 million Saudis are now online. In fact, the most popular social networking site for women in Saudi Arabia: “Cover-Your-Facebook.” –Jay Leno

The theme of President Obama’s State of the Union address was “Win the Future.” It was much more inspiring than the original theme: Beat the rerun of “Top Chef.” –Conan O’Brien

Egypt is now in its second day of angry street protests, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is calling for calm. Nothing enrages an inflamed Arab country like a powerful woman ordering it around. .” –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg had his own Facebook fan page hacked into. Zuckerberg immediately ordered the hacker to be tracked down, seized, and hired. .” –Conan O’Brien

It’s been widely reported that the meat content of Taco Bell’s ground beef is only 36 percent, which explains their new slogan: “Think Outside the Cow.” .” –Conan O’Brien

President Obama promised to veto any bill sent to his desk with earmarks. I think he’s just being overly sensitive about his ears. –Jimmy Kimmel

He also said we have to win the future. He said that seven different times I’d settle on tying the future. I don’t like to get greedy. –Jimmy Kimmel

For the State of the Union address last night, Republicans and Democrats sat next to each other, instead of on opposite sides. The press called it “date night.” How come they go on a date, but we’re the ones who get screwed. -Jay Leno

In India, a fighting rooster slashed the trainer’s throat with the blades he had attached to its feet. Official cause of death? Karma. –Jay Leno

The terrorist group Hezbollah has taken control in Lebanon, and opponents have declared a “Day of Rage.” Or as it’s known in the Middle East, “Tuesday.” –Conan O’Brien

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Here are some funny observations based on the currents events over the past week:

There was a video on the Internet about how at Sea World they were brushing the sea lion’s teeth.  Of course, all the British sea lions headed in the opposite direction when the tooth brushes came out, they wanted nothing to do with dental care.

They now want to allow women in combat.  I think it’s a timing thing.  They should only be allowed to fight only when they are PMSing.  That would be a sure way to win any war.

Some sad news, Obama’s dog trainer died.  On the plus side though, she went fast so she didn’t have to deal with Obamacare.

In Germany a new court ruling says bosses can make women wear bras to work.  America is quite different.  Over here bosses want to be able to make women take their bras off during work.

Justin Bieber’s haircut cost $750.  Now there’s a candidate for Donald Trump’s Celebrity Apprentice show.  If he is paying that much to make his hair look that way, much less $750, he is a Donald Trump in the making.

Starbucks has come out with a new larger drink size called “Trenta”.  I guess it’s their way of telling the other coffee shops that “Mine is bigger than yours.”

I saw an Internet article about exercises for the face.   It appears their motto is “Let your ass keep growing but here’s an exercise you can do while sitting and not break a sweat.”  Unfortunately, it opens them up to being the butt of jokes.

According to a Travel and Leisure survey Los Angeles has the rudest people.  That is really bad when you consider Howard Stern doesn’t even live in Los Angeles.

There was a report this week that 1 in 12 sports fans leaves the stadium drunk.  And the figure would even goes higher if they were to include the athletes in those figures.

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Here are some funny observations as a result of keeping an eye on the news and the current events over the last week:

There is a chimpanzee in the news named Omega that wants to quit smoking.  He thinking of contacting that 2 year old Indonesian kid that was in the news a couple months ago that gave up a 2 pack a day habit for some tips.

Johnson and Johnson announced it’s recalling 47 million packages of non-prescription drugs, much of it Tylenol and Sudafed.  What a headache that must be for the executives of the company and now they’ll have nothing to take for it.

According to a report some doctors are now prescribing Prozac for heart disease.  The theory is it will make them so miserable from the other side effects that they will forget about the heart disease.

A few days ago there were birds in Romania that were getting drunk and falling out of the sky when they tried to fly.  Either that or they mistook American Airlines pilots for birds.

Martha Stewart was saying goodbye to her dog and the dog head-butted her giving her a fat lip.  After some women in Hollywood saw this they were thinking, “Hey, this could be better than Botox!”

Recently in one city a cat got called for jury duty.  That’s not so bad.  We also have jackasses serving in Congress.

Snooki from “Jersey Shore” fame is coming out with her own line of handbags.  At first when I heard that I thought of the bags on her chest that she tries to get men to put their hands on, but apparently that was wrong.

There is so much talk these days about organic food.  Now if the Farmville animals and crops from Facebook would go organic too, Facebook fans could find a whole new way to waste time during their workdays, being fake farmers growing fake organic food and animals.

Recently a 4 year-old kid called 911 to tell on his dad.  When word gets out to the 4 year-old crowd this could lead to a rash of kids walking up to their parents with phone in hand, ready to dial saying, “Go ahead, make my day.”

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Here are some funny observations that were made from seeing the news over the last week or so:

The TSA rule is that they can only touch your private areas over clothes.  That would be over the clothes that are on the floor after you were strip searched.

A study revealed that exercise could better help obese people realize when they are full.  Another way would be to occasionally let their stomachs empty out so that they have something to compare it to.

Obama was very upset about the classified documents that got released on Wikileaks.  I had a dog once that I’d get very upset with when he would Wikileak on the carpet.

Wikileaks sound like Barbara Walters reporting that Ricky Martin has incontinence.

Hillary Clinton was getting heat because of the Wikileaks disclosures that she directed U.S. Diplomats to spy on foreign leaders.  She was even more upset when she found out that the Wikileaks site exposed the name of the tailor she uses for her pants suits.

Just over a week ago a Buffalo Bills wide receiver dropped a pass that would have been a game winning touchdown.  Afterward he got on Twitter and blamed God for the whole thing.  God was insulted because he prefers Facebook.

Senator John Ensign got good news in learning the Justice Department would not press charges from any of the fallout from his affair with a female staffer.  The Senate Ethics Committee has broader jurisdiction to pass judgment on any behavior that might cast the Senate in a negative light.  Cast the Senate in a negative light?  How is that even possible?  Their approval rating is getting close to zero.  Who even knew they had an ethics committee? More like a lack of ethics committee.  I’m thinking they’ll give him a commendation because it was a heterosexual affair instead of homosexual one.

A recent study reveals that married men are nicer.  That’s because the married men are no longer on the prowl for sex.  They gave up on that idea of sex after they got married.

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Here are some very funny jokes from the late night comedians about the new TSA procedure of feeling up airline passengers from Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon and more:

“Have you heard the TSA’s new slogan? ‘We handle more junk than eBay.’” -Jay Leno

“TSA says they are going to crack down on the invasive pat-downs. In fact, one agent was transferred to another parish.” –David Letterman

“The TSA, it’s our business to touch yours.” –from a “Saturday Night Live” skit spoofing the TSA and their overly aggressive “junk-touching” pat-down procedures with an ad portraying TSA agents as sex workers

“I was over at Burbank airport and you could tell it’s Thanksgiving. I saw a TSA agent probing a guy with a turkey baster.” –Jay Leno

“The TSA has changed airport security guidelines. Now you can have an extensive body pat-down or a naked scan. I think I speak for everybody when I say, “Hey, why can’t we have both?” –David Letterman

“People are concerned that the new airport security scanners could lead to pictures of their genitals ending up on the Internet. Apparently no one has told them that without pictures of genitals, there would be no Internet.” –Conan O’Brien

“The TSA says they will allow pilots to pass through security more easily than before. I’d be happy if the pilots just went through the breathalyzer.” –Jay Leno

“If you believe the news, everyone is horrified by the security measures. Rush Limbaugh on the radio yesterday told President Obama, ‘Keep your hands off my tea bag.’ Don’t worry, Rush, even special ops couldn’t find your tea bag.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Hillary Clinton said on CBS that she would not submit to a pat-down, to which Bill Clinton said, ‘Tell me about it.’” –Jay Leno

“The major pilots unions are complaining about the use of full-body scanners and these pat-down techniques at the airport. Pilots say the searches make it almost impossible for them to smuggle in liquor.” –Jay Leno

“The day before Thanksgiving is National Opt-Out Day, where people are being asked to boycott the TSA’s full-body scanners. Sponsors of the event say people shouldn’t be made to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable while traveling. That’s what Thanksgiving with your family is for.” –Jimmy Fallon

“This year marks the first Thanksgiving in which travelers will get molested before they get to their uncle’s house.” -Seth Meyers

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Here are some funny observations based on the news over the last week:

Senate candidate, Christine O’Donnell has come out against masturbation.  This really shocked all the current members of Congress.  They are now hopeful that she doesn’t say something bad about blow jobs and hookers or most of them will no longer have a reason to be in politics at all if that’s the case.

Many of the congressmen were aghast that she brought up the subject at all.  Some of them were wondering if she was including all forms of masturbation like, for example, the kind that Congress is doing to the American public.

Apparently she thought this was a good way to get in touch with the American public and she wanted to make sure they weren’t touching themselves before she got in touch.

The Democrats think to ban masturbation would be a terrible idea.  Why do that when you can tax it.  Just another way to jerk money out of the public’s hands.

Well, I think I’ve pleasured myself enough with these masturbation jokes.  But on a related subject, Tiger Woods has a new book coming out.  I believe it’s called “18 holes per day”.

According to the National Bureau of Economic Research the US has officially emerged from the recession in June of 2009.  Unfortunately they forgot to send that memo to the almost 10 % of the country that is unemployed.

Reportedly, the economists from the National Bureau of Economic Research all got their economics diplomas at K-Mart, Wal-Mart and other fine store where they are apparently sold.  And their research was done at the local bar.  This is a good lesson for the kids when they get to college – your calculators will not work properly if you spill alcohol on them when you are playing drinking games.

…And lastly, this is not news but still an interesting observation.  I was in LA area last week and I saw a banner hanging outside someone’s house that said “Trojans”.  I thought that was a weird place to sell condoms. Then I realized they were just fans of USC.  (But then again I bet the USC football program wishes they had been wearing some protection before they got penalized for the Reggie Bush incident a month ago.)

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon,Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel.

“After three weeks of jury deliberations, Rod Blagojevich was convicted yesterday on only one of the 24 counts against him. The one count he was convicted for? Transporting illegally silky hair across state lines.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“He could get up to five years, though that’s very unlikely. He’ll probably do somewhere between Lindsay Lohan and Lil Wayne.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Can you imagine Rod Blagojevich in a prison jumpsuit? He’d look like a traffic cone with a Koosh ball on top.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“According to the Wall Street Journal, there is a growing movement among Democrats to replace Joe Biden as VP with Hillary Clinton in 2012. Do you realize that if that happens, for the first time Hillary will be directly under a president.” –Jay Leno

“Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have reaching a custody agreement. Neither of them is allowed to say anything bad about the other parent or the other parent’s family in front of Tripp. So basically nobody is allowed to speak in front of Tripp.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Fertility clinics in England say they are facing a nationwide donor shortage and are looking for international sperm donors. Finally a job Levi Johnston is actually qualified for.” –Jay Leno

“According to U.S. and Iraqi commanders, if the U.S. pulls out of Iraq, their borders will be vulnerable and they won’t be able to stop anyone from entering their country. Well, join the club.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama may be willing to meet with Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. How does that make the governor of Arizona feel? The president won’t meet with her, but a four-foot tall Holocaust-denier in a Members Only jacket? No problem.” –Jay Leno

“The White House is defending President Obama’s sports activities over the past week, saying that everyone needs leisure time. Thanks to these economic policies, 9.5 percent of Americans have all the leisure time they need.” –Jay Leno

“The economy is so bad, the Obamas are thinking about taking their next vacation in the United States.” –Jay Leno

“In ‘The Expendables,’ Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger beat up Sylvester Stallone for convincing them to invest in Planet Hollywood.” –Craig Ferguson

“Schwarzenegger was only in the movie for five minutes, but during that five minutes, he achieved more than in all his years as governor.” –Craig Ferguson

“When Schwarzenegger heard the title ‘The Expendables,’ he thought it was in reference to California’s teachers.” –Craig Ferguson

“Al-Jazeera’s English-speaking channel was nominated for an International Emmy. On the red carpet, Joan Rivers will be like, ‘Who are you wearing? And why is it ticking?’” –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are some funny observations based on the news from this week.  It’s better to laugh about it than to feel sad about it:

The flight attendant from Jet Blue, who freaked out on the job has become somewhat of a folk hero, of course, no one mentioned that it only among postal workers that he is a hero.  The Post Master General has notified him there is an opening at the Post office any time he wants it.

Mel Gibson was in a one car accident and no one was hurt but I bet he gave an earful to the person responsible.  Either that or he blamed a Jewish person or an ex-girlfriend.

Levi Johnston may run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska.  Since he was no longer running from Sarah Palin and her rifle he felt like he needed to run for something.

I recently saw a headline that said beer could lead to psoriasis in women.  So I guess the side effects are getting a lot more mild because excessive beer use to lead to pregnancy in women.

Obama wants to build a mosque at ground zero and then he wants to issue an apology to Osama Bin Laden for our buildings getting in the way of the planes that were being stolen from America on 9/11.

The movie Eat Pray Love opened last weekend.  It’s a about a woman’s journey of discovery and the discovery of how long a man can sleep in the theater with his eyes open.

Congressman Charles Rangel, who is facing ethics charges in Congress, had his 80^th birthday party last week.  When they brought his cake to him it had a file inside of it.

Denny’s has something new, the Fried Cheese Melt, a sandwich made with four fried mozzarella sticks and melted American cheese grilled between two slices of sourdough bread, served with french fries and a side of marinara sauce.  They are replacing KFC as the official sponsor of the show The Biggest Loser.

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians, including Jay Leno, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon and Craig Ferguson:

“Everyone is talking about Steven Slater, the flight attendant who cursed at a passenger, grabbed two beers, and slid down the escape slide, in what may be the best resignation ever. In fact he’s so good at quitting, they’re thinking about making him the next governor of Alaska.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“It could be the first time in history that someone has been arrested for going down an inflatable slide.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The Mexican Supreme Court ruled that all Mexican states must recognize same-sex marriages registered in Mexico City. So men can now marry in Mexico, but they still can’t honeymoon in Arizona.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. The current mayor said Levi Johnston should get his high school diploma and keep his clothes on if he wants to win. And then Levi was like, ‘Dude, he just told me how to win. What an idiot.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“If anyone is looking for a job, there’s an opening for a flight attendant at JetBlue. … Steven Slater, the famous JetBlue flight attendant, dropped so many F-bombs on that plane that he got a thumbs up from Joe Biden.” –Jay Leno

“The New Orleans Saints visited the White House. They presented President Obama with a Saints jersey with the number 44, in honor of his approval rating.” –Jay Leno

“Health officials in Oregon have shut down a 7-year-old girl’s lemonade stand because she didn’t have a license. Officials haven’t issued a statement yet. They’re busy popping balloon animals and stomping on sand castles.” –Craig Ferguson

“A JetBlue flight attendant cursed out passengers, grabbed two beers, slid down the chute and took off. The pilots were furious. Those were their last two beers.” –Jay Leno

“This flight attendant really went crazy. The good news: terrorists are now afraid to fly.” –Jay Leno

“The New Orleans Saints visited the White House yesterday. That’s an interesting switch, people from New Orleans visiting a disaster area.” –Jay Leno

“Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Ironically, many of the babies he’ll kiss on the campaign trail will be his own.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama announced this month that he created 70,000 new jobs. The bad news is, they are all vacation planners for him and his family.” –Jay Leno

“The U.S. Postal Service reported a $3.5 billion loss in the last quarter, which established it as the federal government’s most successful enterprise.” –Jay Leno

“Plans are being finalized for Mexico’s bicentennial. On Sept. 15, over 70 million Mexicans will celebrate, and that’s just in Los Angeles.” –Jay Leno

“Levi Johnston is planning to run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. He really is trying as hard as he can to get shot by Sarah Palin, isn’t he?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Mel Gibson’s father is speaking out, claiming that the Pope is a homosexual. It might be a good time for the whole Gibson family to go to a monastery and take a vow of silence.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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Here are the very best jokes from this week from the late night comedians, including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel:

“President Obama is going on ‘The View’ to talk about the economy. Later on, he’ll go to ‘General Hospital’ to explain to doctors how the new healthcare system works.” –Jay Leno

“With Arizona’s new immigration law getting ready to kick in, there’s a new slogan: ‘What happens in Arizona stays in Mexico.’” –Jay Leno

“Congress’ approval rating has hit an all-time low of 11 percent. To give you an idea of how bad that is, the BP oil spill is at 12 percent.” –Jay Leno

“Continental announced a new feature called ’self boarding.’ There’s no ticket agent taking your boarding pass anymore, and you scan it yourself as you board the plane. It’s part of Continental’s ‘Terrorists Fly Hassel-free’ program.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama is in town for an appearance on ‘The View.’ He probably won’t get a word in edgewise, but he said he’s used to it. He lives with his mother-in-law.” –David Letterman

“A guy in New York robbed a bank wearing clown pants, a wig, and a bra. I thought to myself, This could be a thousand guys living in the Village.” –David Letterman

“Elmhurst, Ind. wants to make it illegal to roll your eyes in public. But what if Rod Blagojevich comes to town and declares his innocence?” –David Letterman

“A federal judge has blocked Arizona’s immigration law. Immigrants have been celebrating and throwing confetti. The governor of Arizona said, ‘Sure, now they’re showing us their papers.’” –Craig Ferguson

“BP CEO Tony Hayward complained that he was unfairly ‘demonized’ in the U.S. over his handling of the Gulf oil spill. In response, demons complained that they were unfairly compared to BP CEO Tony Hayward.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is lashing out at Paul the Octopus, who predicted winners in the World Cup. Ahmadinejad said the octopus represents what’s wrong with the West. I guess he’s never seen ‘Jersey Shore.’” –Jimmy Kimmel

“He said Paul the Octopus is a symbol of decadence and decay in the Western world. You have to lose some dictator credibility when you pick a fight with an octopus.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama’s new message to the American people is ‘things could be a lot worse.’ We’ve gone from ‘change you can believe in’ to ‘things could be a lot worse.’ The sequel is never as good as the original.” –Jay Leno

“BP announced that as a result of their own internal investigation, it has cleared itself of all blame in the Gulf oil spill. In a related story, Congressman Charlie Rangel has announced that he will be investigating himself and will find himself completely innocent.” –Jay Leno

“An American named Bob Dudley is BP’s new CEO. Nice to see an American taking a job from a foreigner for once.” –Jay Leno

“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said this week that ‘Jersey Shore’ is giving New Jersey a bad name. As opposed to the good, clean, inspirational shows about New Jersey, like ‘The Sopranos.’” –Jay Leno

“Paris Hilton is in hot water for a picture in which she looks like she’s doing a Nazi salute. Let’s be honest, Paris Hilton has no idea what a Nazi salute is. She probably thinks Nazi is a game you play with dice.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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