“Yesterday, earthquake; today, hurricane. Where do you go next — Tripoli?” –David Letterman

“The earthquake registered 5.8 on the Richter scale. I’ve had bigger heart attacks than that.” –David Letterman

“The earthquake was so strong that the Tea Party shifted to the center.” –David Letterman

“President Obama is enjoying the fun and sun in Martha’s Vineyard. It’s really sad when your SPF factor is higher than your approval rating.” –David Letterman

“After the earthquake on the East Coast, they found Mayor Bloomberg standing under his desk.” –David Letterman

“On the bright side, I didn’t have to shake my morning martini.” –David Letterman

“They felt the earthquake at Martha’s Vineyard. It was so bad, President Obama nearly missed a putt.” –David Letterman

“They traced the epicenter of the earthquake to N.J. Governor Chis Christie’s aerobics class. No, to Kim Kardashian’s honeymoon suite. ” –David Letterman

“Today Mitt Romney announced he’s building a $12-million beach house in California. There’s a man who can read the mood of the country.” –David Letterman

“A guy last week put a fatwa out on me. CBS has been great. When they heard about it, they started holding auditions for my replacement.” –David Letterman

“A guy, a radical extremist, threatened to cut my tongue out. I wish I had a nickel … I think the first time was during the Academy Awards.” –David Letterman

“I’m sorry I was late coming out. Backstage I was talking to the guy from CBS. We were going through the CBS insurance policy to see if I was covered for jihad.” –David Letterman

“Tonight you people are more to me than an audience. You’re more like a human shield.” –David Letterman

There’s a fatwa on me. They say the guy that issued it is an Internet jihadist. Who says Obama isn’t creating jobs? –David Letterman

The State Department is investigating, but everyone knows it’s Leno. –David Letterman

When they killed bin Laden, he had been locked in a house with three wives for six years. So when the SEALs broke in, he said, “Just shoot me.” –David Letterman

“The east coast is still cleaning up after the earthquake. Experts say this only happens once a century. It’s Larry King’s third.” –Craig Ferguson

“Apparently there’s a crack in the Washington Monument. Calm down, Marion Barry, I said ‘a crack.’” –Craig Ferguson

“Gaddafi’s sons are getting arrested. A revolution is not the best time to be a dictator’s sons, or as they’re called in Libya, dictator tots. It’s tater tots with a “dic” in front.” –Craig Ferguson

“No one knows where the low-budget Bond villain Moammar Gaddafi is. He swears he’ll die in his compound. He’s a guy, once he gets a bad idea he sticks with it. Look at this picture. “I’m going to wear the curtains.” –Craig Ferguson

Someone sent the show an envelope with white powder which turned out to be corn starch. On the one hand, I have an enemy out there, but on the other hand, my suits will now be thicker and richer. –Craig Ferguson

Researchers in Britain claim they have created a gel that prevents tooth decay. We’ve got this in America. It’s called “toothpaste.” –Craig Ferguson

We had an Anthrax scare at the studio after they found an envelope with white powder in it. All of the staff had to leave and didn’t get any work done. It was like any other day. –Craig Ferguson

They say the envelope came from France. I knew I shouldn’t have done that Gerard Depardieu joke. –Craig Ferguson

If this had been a real threat, CBS has a plan to replace me with Ashton Kutcher. –Craig Ferguson

Everyone is watching the big global news story. We’re seeing historic changes rocking one of the most ruthless families on earth. That’s right, Kim Kardashian got married. –Craig Ferguson

Some people think Gadhafi will go into exile somewhere harmless where we can keep an eye on him. I’m thinking “Dancing With the Stars.” –Craig Ferguson

I think I speak for everyone when I say we’re hoping for an end to the bloodshed, a peaceful transition to democracy, and . . . cheaper gas. –Craig Ferguson

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Since Anthony Weiner resigned from Congress he’s looking for new career opportunities so he’s thinking of becoming a priest.

Mel Gibson is dating again so it looks like we have a potential comedy replacement as Weinergate gets old.

A man in Oregon, who quit college in 1932, finally went back and got his degree.  I hope he wasn’t just trying to “find himself” before he completed because all he’ll find now is some old guy.

Another case of a person going back to college was a mom who earned her degree 23 years after having a memory loss from a car accident.  Apparently, she forgot how worthless college really is these days and she went back for her degree anyway.

Spam, these days, is thought to be when you spew out a lot of unsolicited e-mails.  Now Burger King is selling spam burgers, but this is the old kind of spam with meat in a can.  It will produce some of the same type of effects as spam e-mail.  After you eat one there will definitely be something spewed out, it just won’t be e-mails.

Lady Gaga’s meat dress is going into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland Ohio.  This goes to show how many preservatives there really are in food these days.

The wedding of Hugh Hefner, 85 years old, to his 25 year old fiancé is off.  When asked for a reaction Hef responded, “What wedding?”

President Obama is contending that the U.S. air attacks against Libya do not constitute hostilities.  This is very similar, if on a different scale, to former President Clinton contending that oral sex does not constitute sex.

Last Week President Obama met with Treasury Secretary, Timothy Geither, in the Oval Office to see what believable lies they could come up with to tell us about the economy.  They came up with numerous lies, none of them believable.

Researchers have found that watching too much TV increases your risk of premature death.  It’s even worse if you text your friend about what happened in your favorite episode while you’re driving.

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President Obama accidentally dropped an “S-bomb” at a press conference last week.  Joe Biden commented, “That’s a start but he’s got a way to go until he gets into my league.”

Last week it had been reported that O. J. Simpson was badly beaten in prison after he was bragging about his sexual exploits.  Upon hearing about it Bill Clinton and John Edwards immediately got onto the Internet and googled the word “Karma” in hopes of finding a loophole.

Last week Hillary Clinton urged Bahrain to show restraint in dealing with anti-government protesters.  She figured it worked so well telling Bill to show restraint that now she was going to try it with a country.

Charlie Sheen recently offered Lindsay Lohan life advice.  That’s like the Burger King mascot King telling Ronald McDonald to stay away from fast food.

Charlie Sheen also told TMZ that he is willing to work weekends and beyond the wrap date to finish the season of Two and a Half Men.  He does need the money.  After all, drugs, sex and hookers are not free, you know.

A TSA worker was arrested for stealing thousands of dollars from a flier.  I guess that flier won’t be hiding money in his shorts anymore.

In Malaysia, police arrested three men for stealing 750,000 condoms.  Wow!  They must have had some weekend planned!

A congressman proposed legislation that would eliminate funding for Obama’s teleprompter.  That would have been cruel.  It would be like cutting out his tongue.

Finally, in Egypt, a father named his baby girl Facebook.  Luckily for the girl her dad was not also a big fan of Twitter or the girl may have ended up with the name TwitFace.

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The TSA pat-down guys want to unionize.  They will be in the same union as the girls who do massages with a happy ending.

Michelle Obama has been on the campaign to reduce childhood obesity now for one year.  The program is called Let’s Move!”  The Secret Service code word for the program is called Humpty Dumpty.

In a small town in Kentucky a dog was elected mayor.  That’s very unusual.  Usually when we think of politicians being an animal it’s more like a jackass or weasel.

An Italian couple was accused of using a stick of butter as a murder weapon.  There are even more discreet methods for murder than that one.  For example, no one even knows how many people Al Gore has killed by boring them to death.

Christina Aguilera’s divorce details are coming out.  Apparently, her husband is still holding a grudge because when she said her wedding vows she accidentally said his name wrong.

President Obama unveiled his new $3.73 trillion spending plan.  It would have even been higher but he took new hair plugs for Joe Biden out of the budget.

Barbie and Ken dolls just spent their 43^rd Valentine’s Day together.  In fact, Ken is getting so old he had to contact the Obama administration to see if they could give him any advice on a stimulus plan.  He said after 43 years together it’s just not that easy to get stimulated anymore.

Valentine’s Day was also National Condom Day.  To me that sounds like a bigger cover-up going on than Nixon had with Watergate, which was also about covering up a Dick.

There was a report this week that Apple is working on a cheaper iPhone.  I’d just like to see them work on an iPhone that can make and receive calls.

Starbucks is jumping into the market for single service coffee machines like the Keurig K-cup brewing system.  For men, it would be a lot more appealing if it was a D-cup.

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“Michelle Obama says her husband, President Obama, has quit smoking. Fox News reported this as ‘Obama Destroying the Tobacco Industry.’” –Craig Ferguson

“Joe Biden announced plans for a $53 billion train system. To offset the cost, they’re raising the price of a train ticket to $53 billion.” –Craig Ferguson

“Vice presidents love technology: Joe Biden with the trains, Al Gore with the Internet, and Dick Cheney with the electric torture clamps.” –Craig Ferguson

“The literary world has been abuzz after Bristol Palin released a 304-page memoir. At her age, it’s not called a memoir, it’s called a diary.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Nancy Pelosi described Justin Bieber as ‘adorable but also substantial,’ while Justin Bieber described Nancy Pelosi as ‘court ordered to maintain a distance of 300 feet at all times.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is the richest man in the world, with more than $70 billion in hidden assets. That will go up even more once his unemployment kicks in.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Prince William’s nightclub owner friend is said to be planning a wild bachelor party. It must be weird stuffing a bill in a stripper’s g-string when it has a picture of your grandmother on it.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Catholic Church has approved a new app that lets you make confessions over your iPhone. It also raises the possibility of accidentally butt-dialing God.” –Conan O’Brien

“The economics professor who helped craft President Obama’s healthcare plan is going to explain that plan in a comic book. As a result, President Bush has now come out in favor of Obama’s healthcare plan.” –Conan O’Brien

“An Egyptian Google executive has become a hero to Egyptian protestors for a Facebook page he created. Still no luck selling his futon on Craigslist, though.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama urged private businesses to hire more workers. He didn’t realize that only the government hires more people than it needs.” –Jay Leno

“Washington, D.C. is updating its traffic cameras to enforce traffic laws. How about enforcing bribery and corruption laws?” –Jay Leno

“Keith Olbermann has a new show on Al Gore’s new network. I’m not saying the audience is small, but he begins his show with, Good evening, Al.” –Jay Leno

“There was a power outage at Newark Airport. Who wants a TSA pat-down with the lights off?” –Jay Leno

“Peru has changed its national anthem. It wasn’t too hard to change the lyrics. They just let Christina Aguilera sing it.” –Jay Leno

“The head of Homeland Security told people at the game, if they saw anything not right give them a call. They got 50 million calls as soon as Christina Aguilera started singing the National Anthem. The good news, you can’t accuse her of lip syncing.” –Jay Leno

“Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak told ABC news that he would like to step down from power immediately, but if he did, it could cause chaos in his country. Well, you would hate to see that happen.” –Jay Leno

“Christina Aguilera sang the wrong words to ‘The Star-Spangled Banner.’ And even worse, the Black Eyed Peas sang their songs exactly right.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama had a Super Bowl party which featured food from both Wisconsin and Pennsylvania, which explains why he tested positive for diabetes the next morning.” –Conan O’Brien

“Over the weekend Dick Cheney declared Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak a good friend. Mubarak said, ‘Dude, that’s not really helping.’” –Conan O’Brien

“A lot of Americans are still trapped in Egypt. They’re being advised to bring their own food and water to the airport. Also their own plane.” –Conan O’Brien

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It could be worse:

1)      You could be Justin Bieber’s hair stylist and have to live with that fact, (…or Donald Trump’s.)

2)      You could be a bed bug getting a lot of bad press for living in a 5 star hotel so now the hotels are out to get you.

3)      You could be the gunman who hijacked a bus last week and not be smart enough to know that a bus is not a great getaway vehicle.

4)      You could be Ben Bernanke’s college economics professor and you have to admit that you gave him a passing grade.

5)      You could be the National Anthem and now every time you hear Christina Aguilera sing a song on the radio you cringe.

6)      You could be the container of Gatorade that inevitably gets thrown on the winning coach’s head at the Super Bowl and you never get to fulfill your destiny of getting drunk by a thirsty athlete.

7)      You could be a patch of grass in Iowa already being stomped on by presidential candidates for 2012.

8)      You could be the Black Eyed Peas on Monday morning after the Super Bowl being told that you know how to make a good entrance but not a very good halftime performance.

9)      You could be the maker of one of the really bad Super Bowl commercials.

10)   You could be a “female” tax return and on April 15^th you just know you are going to be cheated on and you still have more than 2 months to think about it.

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Only 9% of women around the globe consider themselves attractive, according to a survey.  Men, on the other hand, consider 99% of all women attractive when they are naked.

At first, Rahm Emanuel, the former White House Chief of Staff, who had a reputation for being mean, was kicked off the ballot for mayor of Chicago by the courts.  They said he wasn’t mean enough…he was mean, but not “Chicago mean.”

Then 3 days later the high court of Illinois ruled that he could run for mayor of Chicago, proving again that there is justice in Chicago, no matter how much it costs.

The NFL wide receiver who had changed his name to Ochocinco, after originally being known as Chad Johnson, is changing his name again.  This time it’ll be “NO ONE CARES ANYMORE.”

A psychiatrist got his cat a diploma to be a shrink on the Internet just to prove it could be done.  Sadly, the cat is now one of the most qualified psychiatrists in the country.

There is a reported shortage of strippers in Dallas where the Super Bowl is being held.  They are reportedly hiring Tiger Woods to help recruit some of his old girlfriends to work there this week.

And speaking of Tiger Woods, work on the Tiger Woods resort in Dubai has been halted due to the economy.  Apparently, they were working on an orgy room and they had the workers pull out.  I believe the technical term is workus interuptus.

Charlie Sheen checked himself into rehab, but not to be rehabilitated, he was just looking for Lindsay Lohan so they could party together.

Taco Bell is fighting back against the lawsuit that claims they only have 35% meat in their advertised meat, the rest is fillers.  They have a new slogan coming out, “There are only so many bugs we can sweep off the floor to pump up the percentage of our meat.”

The IRS oversight board conducted a survey and found that 87%of Americans think that cheating on taxes is not acceptable.  We know that the IRS would never lie or fudge their stats.  We can take their word to the bank just as we could trust Bill Clinton when he said, “I did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky.”  (For the record I have never cheated on my taxes!!!)

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“A court has ruled that Rahm Emanuel is not legally allowed to run for mayor of Chicago, which in Chicago I believe means he won.” –Stephen Colbert

“A Chicago court ruled former White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel can’t run for Mayor of Chicago. However, according to Chicago law, he’s free to purchase the position.” –Conan O’Brien

“MSNBC has abruptly ended their relationship with Keith Olbermann, and according to his contract he’s not allowed back on television for at least six months. Or as industry experts call it, The Conan.” –Conan O’Brien

“Tomorrow is the State of the Union Address, and Republicans and Democrats will sit together intermingled, if for no other reason than the raw sexual tension.” –Conan O’Brien

“The Pope praised Facebook but said it is no substitute for human interaction. Then the Pope reminded everyone that human interaction is a sin.” –Conan O’Brien

“Vice President Joe Biden was called for jury duty. He can get out of it if he can convince the judge that his presence at his job is essential. So he’s going to jury duty.” –Jay Leno

“Chinese President Hu Jintao was hinting that China may not loan the U.S. any more money. President Obama is now talking to him about a reverse mortgage.” –Jay Leno

Last night, President Obama gave the State of the Union address. Vice President Biden called it a great speech. House Speaker John Boehner called it a real tearjerker. –Jay Leno

President Obama said our country is facing another Sputnik moment, which is well over the heads of a lot of young people. They think Sputnik is Snooki’s older sister. –Jay Leno

Did you see the pictures of Snooki sitting next to Kim Kardashian at an NBA game over the weekend? It looked like Kim was staring at herself in a funhouse mirror. –Jay Leno

A social networking revolution has started in Saudi Arabia. Over 10 million Saudis are now online. In fact, the most popular social networking site for women in Saudi Arabia: “Cover-Your-Facebook.” –Jay Leno

The theme of President Obama’s State of the Union address was “Win the Future.” It was much more inspiring than the original theme: Beat the rerun of “Top Chef.” –Conan O’Brien

Egypt is now in its second day of angry street protests, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is calling for calm. Nothing enrages an inflamed Arab country like a powerful woman ordering it around. .” –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg had his own Facebook fan page hacked into. Zuckerberg immediately ordered the hacker to be tracked down, seized, and hired. .” –Conan O’Brien

It’s been widely reported that the meat content of Taco Bell’s ground beef is only 36 percent, which explains their new slogan: “Think Outside the Cow.” .” –Conan O’Brien

President Obama promised to veto any bill sent to his desk with earmarks. I think he’s just being overly sensitive about his ears. –Jimmy Kimmel

He also said we have to win the future. He said that seven different times I’d settle on tying the future. I don’t like to get greedy. –Jimmy Kimmel

For the State of the Union address last night, Republicans and Democrats sat next to each other, instead of on opposite sides. The press called it “date night.” How come they go on a date, but we’re the ones who get screwed. -Jay Leno

In India, a fighting rooster slashed the trainer’s throat with the blades he had attached to its feet. Official cause of death? Karma. –Jay Leno

The terrorist group Hezbollah has taken control in Lebanon, and opponents have declared a “Day of Rage.” Or as it’s known in the Middle East, “Tuesday.” –Conan O’Brien

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There was a video on the Internet about how at Sea World they were brushing the sea lion’s teeth.  Of course, all the British sea lions headed in the opposite direction when the tooth brushes came out, they wanted nothing to do with dental care.

They now want to allow women in combat.  I think it’s a timing thing.  They should only be allowed to fight only when they are PMSing.  That would be a sure way to win any war.

Some sad news, Obama’s dog trainer died.  On the plus side though, she went fast so she didn’t have to deal with Obamacare.

In Germany a new court ruling says bosses can make women wear bras to work.  America is quite different.  Over here bosses want to be able to make women take their bras off during work.

Justin Bieber’s haircut cost $750.  Now there’s a candidate for Donald Trump’s Celebrity Apprentice show.  If he is paying that much to make his hair look that way, much less $750, he is a Donald Trump in the making.

Starbucks has come out with a new larger drink size called “Trenta”.  I guess it’s their way of telling the other coffee shops that “Mine is bigger than yours.”

I saw an Internet article about exercises for the face.   It appears their motto is “Let your ass keep growing but here’s an exercise you can do while sitting and not break a sweat.”  Unfortunately, it opens them up to being the butt of jokes.

According to a Travel and Leisure survey Los Angeles has the rudest people.  That is really bad when you consider Howard Stern doesn’t even live in Los Angeles.

There was a report this week that 1 in 12 sports fans leaves the stadium drunk.  And the figure would even goes higher if they were to include the athletes in those figures.

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There is a chimpanzee in the news named Omega that wants to quit smoking.  He thinking of contacting that 2 year old Indonesian kid that was in the news a couple months ago that gave up a 2 pack a day habit for some tips.

Johnson and Johnson announced it’s recalling 47 million packages of non-prescription drugs, much of it Tylenol and Sudafed.  What a headache that must be for the executives of the company and now they’ll have nothing to take for it.

According to a report some doctors are now prescribing Prozac for heart disease.  The theory is it will make them so miserable from the other side effects that they will forget about the heart disease.

A few days ago there were birds in Romania that were getting drunk and falling out of the sky when they tried to fly.  Either that or they mistook American Airlines pilots for birds.

Martha Stewart was saying goodbye to her dog and the dog head-butted her giving her a fat lip.  After some women in Hollywood saw this they were thinking, “Hey, this could be better than Botox!”

Recently in one city a cat got called for jury duty.  That’s not so bad.  We also have jackasses serving in Congress.

Snooki from “Jersey Shore” fame is coming out with her own line of handbags.  At first when I heard that I thought of the bags on her chest that she tries to get men to put their hands on, but apparently that was wrong.

There is so much talk these days about organic food.  Now if the Farmville animals and crops from Facebook would go organic too, Facebook fans could find a whole new way to waste time during their workdays, being fake farmers growing fake organic food and animals.

Recently a 4 year-old kid called 911 to tell on his dad.  When word gets out to the 4 year-old crowd this could lead to a rash of kids walking up to their parents with phone in hand, ready to dial saying, “Go ahead, make my day.”

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