“President Obama is going on ‘The View’ to talk about the economy. Later on, he’ll go to ‘General Hospital’ to explain to doctors how the new healthcare system works.” –Jay Leno

“With Arizona’s new immigration law getting ready to kick in, there’s a new slogan: ‘What happens in Arizona stays in Mexico.’” –Jay Leno

“Congress’ approval rating has hit an all-time low of 11 percent. To give you an idea of how bad that is, the BP oil spill is at 12 percent.” –Jay Leno

“Continental announced a new feature called ’self boarding.’ There’s no ticket agent taking your boarding pass anymore, and you scan it yourself as you board the plane. It’s part of Continental’s ‘Terrorists Fly Hassel-free’ program.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama is in town for an appearance on ‘The View.’ He probably won’t get a word in edgewise, but he said he’s used to it. He lives with his mother-in-law.” –David Letterman

“A guy in New York robbed a bank wearing clown pants, a wig, and a bra. I thought to myself, This could be a thousand guys living in the Village.” –David Letterman

“Elmhurst, Ind. wants to make it illegal to roll your eyes in public. But what if Rod Blagojevich comes to town and declares his innocence?” –David Letterman

“A federal judge has blocked Arizona’s immigration law. Immigrants have been celebrating and throwing confetti. The governor of Arizona said, ‘Sure, now they’re showing us their papers.’” –Craig Ferguson

“BP CEO Tony Hayward complained that he was unfairly ‘demonized’ in the U.S. over his handling of the Gulf oil spill. In response, demons complained that they were unfairly compared to BP CEO Tony Hayward.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is lashing out at Paul the Octopus, who predicted winners in the World Cup. Ahmadinejad said the octopus represents what’s wrong with the West. I guess he’s never seen ‘Jersey Shore.’” –Jimmy Kimmel

“He said Paul the Octopus is a symbol of decadence and decay in the Western world. You have to lose some dictator credibility when you pick a fight with an octopus.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama’s new message to the American people is ‘things could be a lot worse.’ We’ve gone from ‘change you can believe in’ to ‘things could be a lot worse.’ The sequel is never as good as the original.” –Jay Leno

“BP announced that as a result of their own internal investigation, it has cleared itself of all blame in the Gulf oil spill. In a related story, Congressman Charlie Rangel has announced that he will be investigating himself and will find himself completely innocent.” –Jay Leno

“An American named Bob Dudley is BP’s new CEO. Nice to see an American taking a job from a foreigner for once.” –Jay Leno

“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said this week that ‘Jersey Shore’ is giving New Jersey a bad name. As opposed to the good, clean, inspirational shows about New Jersey, like ‘The Sopranos.’” –Jay Leno

“Paris Hilton is in hot water for a picture in which she looks like she’s doing a Nazi salute. Let’s be honest, Paris Hilton has no idea what a Nazi salute is. She probably thinks Nazi is a game you play with dice.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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With news of Mel Gibson’s rants coming out at the same time as the movie “Despicable Me” many people thought it was actually Mel’s autobiographical movie.

BP was able to finally stop the oil leak in the Gulf this last week.  They hired Mel Gibson to yell at it and it immediately shut down.

The YMCA is now officially called just “The Y”.  So, apparently, not only are Americans too lazy to go there to exercise.  They are also too lazy to say four letters instead of just one.

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are now engaged to be married and the office pools are already surpassing the size of the Super Bowl pools on how long they will be together.

Last week Yankee owner, George Steinbrenner, died of a heart attack.  Somewhere a whole bunch of dead former Yankee players are waiting to get chewed out for something.

Dick Cheney had heart surgery last week and he’s expected to make a full recovery.  He should be back shooting and waterboarding people in no time at all.

Joe Biden had to pay over $200,000 to the Treasury Department in penalties for his 2008 bid for the presidency due to sloppy bookkeeping and record keeping.  His spokesperson said that sort of thing is very common but privately Biden was heard to say it was actually “a big f—ing deal.”

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Apparently Al Gore had a hot sexual affair.  It’s hard for me to imagine using Al Gore and hot sex in the same sentence.  I can only imagine things like the woman saying, “No, you are NOT putting your carbon footprint in there.”

I guess for Al Gore, when the evidence started coming in against global warming he decided he was going to do whatever he could to make things hotter.

Since Al Gore tried to take credit for inventing the Internet I wonder if he is going to say that he invented cheating on a spouse.

There have been a lot of complaints about the referees at the World Cup.  In fact, some people are saying there is more cheating going on there than from past democratic presidential and vice-presidential candidates.

North Korea has been accused of hiring its fans for the World Cup which is akin to how former New York governor, Elliot Spitzer, used to hire his “dates”.

BP CEO, Tony Hayward, says he wasn’t in the loop regarding the oil spill.  I bet there are a lot of people living in the gulf coast area that would like to put him in the loop, specifically, a loop around his neck with a knot in it.

A lot of congressmen are secretly loving this oil spill.  They are saying, “Now everybody forgets how badly we suck.”

In Bali, a man was caught having sex with a cow and he was forced to marry it.  Now when he says to someone that he is married to a old cow he is not just being mean.

According to a study done by European researchers obese men have a much easier time finding a sexual partner than obese women do.  But the obese men also have a high rate of erectile dysfunction, which is probably the reason they are able to find a sexual partner since all they can do in bed is cuddle anyway.

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A 95 year old lady from Alabama got her college degree last week.  It turns out she never intended to go to college.  She was on her way to the Social Security office and she got lost and ended up enrolling  in college when she thought she was signing up for her Social Security  check.

President Obama has sent 1,200 National Guard troops to the Mexican border.  They are there searching for Osama Bin Laden.

Next he’ll be sending airport security to the border to make sure none of the illegal aliens cross the border with nail clippers or toothpaste tubes bigger than 3 oz.

The BP oil leak is officially a disaster now because Joe Biden was heard whispering in Obama’s ear that “this is a big f___ing deal.”

BP executives are very concerned about various species going extinct from the oil spill.  The species they are most concerned about are BP executives.

The Sex and the City sequel opened recently.  They are already planning the next one.  But since the girls are getting a little older now that one will be called Menopause in the City.

Heidi  Montag and Spencer Platt have split up.  She is reportedly drowning her sorrow at the plastic surgery bar.

Seattle residents recently told their mayor they want a nude beach.  Not so they can soak up the sun since it rains there all the time.  It‘s just that the economy is so bad they are afraid they won’t be able to keep a shirt on their backs.

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“Earlier today, British Petroleum began this operation known as ‘top kill,’ which comes on the heels of their previous operations, ‘fish kill’ and ‘bird kill.’” –Jay Leno

“According to a White House report, President Obama becoming more and more frustrated by this whole oil leak thing. He lost his temper today. He reportedly yelled at people, ‘Plug the damn hole!’ That’s the same thing he says whenever Joe Biden starts talking.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama announced yesterday he plans to send 1,200 troops to the U.S.-Mexican border. You know who we should hire to protect our border? It’s so simple. Mexicans. They want jobs, they’re there already.” –Jay Leno

“Last night was the finale of ‘Dancing With the Stars’ and Kate Gosselin made an appearance. I don’t want to say it was bad, but this morning, the Pakistani Taliban took credit for it.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Hey, today is National Tap Dancing Day. Yes, this is the day we honor BP executives trying to explain the gulf oil disaster.” –Jay Leno

“One of the big gambling Web sites published odds on what species would be the first to become extinct from the oil spill. Unbelievable. You know the odds-on favorite? Democrat.” –Jay Leno

“Oh man, and the stock market. Another bad day. The market is so bad, BP had to lay off 15 senators.” –Jay Leno

“In Idaho, Republican Congressional candidate Vaughn Ward is in trouble after he was caught plagiarizing a famous speech by Barack Obama. When they asked this guy if he thought he could get away with this, you know what he said? ‘Yes, we can! Yes, we can! Yes, we can!’” –Jay Leno

“And over the weekend, at the Shanghai World Expo, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton passed out teddy bears to Chinese children. The kids politely accepted the bears even though, you know, they made them.” –Jay Leno|

“BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake BP account that is mocking the oil company. In response, Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak that’s ruining the ocean.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The White House is backing a new plan to repeal ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.’ They want to relax the harsh standard and implement their new policy, ‘Just Try To Not Make It Super Obvious.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“I heard that Paul McCartney invited the Jonas Brothers to his tribute at the White House next Wednesday because he thinks of them as the next Beatles. The Jonases were like, ‘Oh, man, that is so nice of you — who are the Beatles?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“And because of the ocean currents, experts say oil from the Gulf could easily spread up the East Coast all the way to the Carolinas. In fact, today, people in North Carolina said they hadn’t seen anything this slick and slimy since the John Edwards campaign.” –Jay Leno

“At the White House, speaking last week, a rodent ran in front of President Obama as he stood at the podium. In fact, the rat was picked up on the microphone going, ‘How do I get off this sinking ship?’” –Jay Leno

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Scientists in Germany have found the world’s oldest sex toy, 28,000 years old and made of stone.  I’m not sure how they know it was a sex toy but they are consulting with Larry King to see how it was used.

Last week a United flight from New York to L.A. made an emergency landing because of a fire in the cockpit.  It seems the match the pilot was using to light his cigarette got too close to the alcohol he was drinking and that started it.

Woody Allen recently defended Roman Polanski.  So mothers, if your teenage daughter is an actress don’t let them be in a Woody Allen movie.

Attorney General Eric Holder said he may sue Arizona for their immigration law.  He hasn’t read the law yet, he is going to wait until the movie comes out.

KFC’s new Double Down, famous for its gazillion grams of fat, is wildly successful.  So much so that they have a special deal going.  They are doing those punch cards and after you buy 10 Double Downs you get a coupon for a free coffin.

There’s a new social network site for children 10 and under called “Togetherville”.  Their motto is “it’s never too early to learn to sit around wasting time.  Then graduate to video games.”

Sadly, this site was developed after Michael Jackson’s passing.  It would have served as a great dating site for  him.

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The rumor is that Elena Kagen, the new Supreme Court Justice nominee, had dated Elliot Spitzer, former Governor of New York, when they were in college.  Another rumor is that she is a lesbian, but I’m sorry that makes her sound more like a prostitute than a lesbian.

Again about Elena Kagen, if she is a lesbian maybe dating Elliot Spitzer is what made her want to be a lesbian.

Tiger Woods’ swing coach resigned.  We knew all about the affairs but he was into swinging too….and who you needed a coach to do that.

Playboy magazine is going to be featuring a 3D centerfold in June.  I think it is great that the readers will now get the glasses that come with the magazine and isn’t that ironic since Playboy readers often ruin their eyesight anyway.

A spokesman for  Playboy said they want to make people who are infatuated with the Internet  remember there’s nothing like holding a magazine in your hands, or in this case having it stick to your hands.

With all the crimes coming out about the banks like Goldman Sachs and many of the others, it makes you wonder, we know the banks were “too big to fail”, now we’ll find out if their executives are “too big to jail”.

…and finally, in a survey at the University of Kentucky only 20% of the students considered oral sex to be sex.  They are now considering changing the name of the school to Bill Clinton University.

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A spokesman for BP said at a press conference that BP was going to take full responsibility for the oil spill then he added, “Hey, what is the deal with Goldman Sachs, can you believe what they did to the economy?  What’s up with that?”

There are now allegations that Michael Jackson was gay.  I don’t know about that but I heard he was seriously considering becoming a Catholic priest.

A holy man in India is claiming to have gone the last 70 years without food or water.  I think someone needs to tell him that there is white cloth wrapped around his body because he is a mummy and he has been dead for 70 years.  If the kid from “The Sixth Sense” was there he’d be saying, “I see dead people,” to him.

The SEC is investigating the recent unusual trading activity in the stock market in the last few days.  They said they are going to get to the bottom of this.  Luckily, since many of their executives have been accused of looking at porn on the job they are used to investigating many bottoms.

A recent survey showed that people 45 and older were dissatisfied with their sex lives.  Of course, this was mostly men who had recently read about Tiger Woods’ exploits.

Ben Bernake spoke to graduates of the University of South Carolina and told them that money can’t buy happiness.  I think the unspoken message here was that as long as there was a Fed and he was running it you aren’t very likely to have any money.

Elena Kagen, the Solicitor General, was nominated to the Supreme Court by Obama.  I never heard of the Solicitor General post.  What does it do?  It sounds like she just makes sales calls to people about nothing in particular.  If she makes a decision in the Supreme Court is she going to be calling people to get their opinion about how to vote?

…and finally, with all the news about Greece lately, former president Bush was heard asking Laura Bush, “What do you call a person from Greece, a Greaser?”

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Goldman Sachs insists they did not mislead investors,  A spokesman was quoted as saying, “Fraud-shmaud, we prefer to call it artistic license in the field of accounting.”

The new one hundred dollar bill was recently unveiled, unfortunately it’s only worth about $25.

Several key staffers from the SEC were found to have been looking at excessive porn while they should have been policing the economy.   I’m wondering if that included looking at the books of Goldman Sachs because there were definitely people getting screwed there.

Rachel Uchitel, the first mistress linked to tiger Woods is rumored to be joining “Dancing with the Stars”.  In related news they are thinking of changing the name of “Dancing with the Stars” to “Dancing with 15 Minutes of Fame”.

In a recent poll 80% of people said they don’t trust the government.  To that I say, “Duh.”  Next the same pollsters are going to poll teenage girls to see if they like to attend Jonas Brothers concerts.

In another poll, a majority of people favored the legalization of marijuana.  The poll was conducted at the Woodstock Retirement Home.

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According to the Pentagon Al-Qaeda is in financial ruin.  It’s so bad that when they filed their income tax this year they got money back from an earned income credit.

Al-Qaeda is having such a tough time financially that they layed off all their contracted suicide bombers and now are only hiring temps.

Kate Gosselin has said recently that she regrets things that she has said to Jon…highest on the list I’m sure was, “Okay, let’s get married.”

Lady Gaga has announced recently that she is celibate.  This is likely in honor of April being the official STD Month.

Larry King has filed for divorce from his seventh wife, apparently this was after having cheated on his wife with her younger sister.  Rumor had it that he has been a long time mentor of Tiger Woods and Jesse James.

Obama did his taxes last week and he was very happy when he learned he could claim the banks and car makers as dependents.  When he told Joe Biden, Joe said, “That’s a big f___ing deal.”

And finally…A recent survey says that 35% of men are turned off by women with fake boobs.  The survey does fail to mention that the men were asked this question in the company of their wives.   Another 30% gave no opinion to the question.  With these men their wives were standing close enough that they didn’t want to take a chance.

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