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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon,Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel.

“After three weeks of jury deliberations, Rod Blagojevich was convicted yesterday on only one of the 24 counts against him. The one count he was convicted for? Transporting illegally silky hair across state lines.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“He could get up to five years, though that’s very unlikely. He’ll probably do somewhere between Lindsay Lohan and Lil Wayne.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Can you imagine Rod Blagojevich in a prison jumpsuit? He’d look like a traffic cone with a Koosh ball on top.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“According to the Wall Street Journal, there is a growing movement among Democrats to replace Joe Biden as VP with Hillary Clinton in 2012. Do you realize that if that happens, for the first time Hillary will be directly under a president.” –Jay Leno

“Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have reaching a custody agreement. Neither of them is allowed to say anything bad about the other parent or the other parent’s family in front of Tripp. So basically nobody is allowed to speak in front of Tripp.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Fertility clinics in England say they are facing a nationwide donor shortage and are looking for international sperm donors. Finally a job Levi Johnston is actually qualified for.” –Jay Leno

“According to U.S. and Iraqi commanders, if the U.S. pulls out of Iraq, their borders will be vulnerable and they won’t be able to stop anyone from entering their country. Well, join the club.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama may be willing to meet with Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. How does that make the governor of Arizona feel? The president won’t meet with her, but a four-foot tall Holocaust-denier in a Members Only jacket? No problem.” –Jay Leno

“The White House is defending President Obama’s sports activities over the past week, saying that everyone needs leisure time. Thanks to these economic policies, 9.5 percent of Americans have all the leisure time they need.” –Jay Leno

“The economy is so bad, the Obamas are thinking about taking their next vacation in the United States.” –Jay Leno

“In ‘The Expendables,’ Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger beat up Sylvester Stallone for convincing them to invest in Planet Hollywood.” –Craig Ferguson

“Schwarzenegger was only in the movie for five minutes, but during that five minutes, he achieved more than in all his years as governor.” –Craig Ferguson

“When Schwarzenegger heard the title ‘The Expendables,’ he thought it was in reference to California’s teachers.” –Craig Ferguson

“Al-Jazeera’s English-speaking channel was nominated for an International Emmy. On the red carpet, Joan Rivers will be like, ‘Who are you wearing? And why is it ticking?’” –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are some funny observations based on the news from this week.  It’s better to laugh about it than to feel sad about it:

The flight attendant from Jet Blue, who freaked out on the job has become somewhat of a folk hero, of course, no one mentioned that it only among postal workers that he is a hero.  The Post Master General has notified him there is an opening at the Post office any time he wants it.

Mel Gibson was in a one car accident and no one was hurt but I bet he gave an earful to the person responsible.  Either that or he blamed a Jewish person or an ex-girlfriend.

Levi Johnston may run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska.  Since he was no longer running from Sarah Palin and her rifle he felt like he needed to run for something.

I recently saw a headline that said beer could lead to psoriasis in women.  So I guess the side effects are getting a lot more mild because excessive beer use to lead to pregnancy in women.

Obama wants to build a mosque at ground zero and then he wants to issue an apology to Osama Bin Laden for our buildings getting in the way of the planes that were being stolen from America on 9/11.

The movie Eat Pray Love opened last weekend.  It’s a about a woman’s journey of discovery and the discovery of how long a man can sleep in the theater with his eyes open.

Congressman Charles Rangel, who is facing ethics charges in Congress, had his 80^th birthday party last week.  When they brought his cake to him it had a file inside of it.

Denny’s has something new, the Fried Cheese Melt, a sandwich made with four fried mozzarella sticks and melted American cheese grilled between two slices of sourdough bread, served with french fries and a side of marinara sauce.  They are replacing KFC as the official sponsor of the show The Biggest Loser.

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians, including Jay Leno, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon and Craig Ferguson:

“Everyone is talking about Steven Slater, the flight attendant who cursed at a passenger, grabbed two beers, and slid down the escape slide, in what may be the best resignation ever. In fact he’s so good at quitting, they’re thinking about making him the next governor of Alaska.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“It could be the first time in history that someone has been arrested for going down an inflatable slide.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The Mexican Supreme Court ruled that all Mexican states must recognize same-sex marriages registered in Mexico City. So men can now marry in Mexico, but they still can’t honeymoon in Arizona.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. The current mayor said Levi Johnston should get his high school diploma and keep his clothes on if he wants to win. And then Levi was like, ‘Dude, he just told me how to win. What an idiot.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“If anyone is looking for a job, there’s an opening for a flight attendant at JetBlue. … Steven Slater, the famous JetBlue flight attendant, dropped so many F-bombs on that plane that he got a thumbs up from Joe Biden.” –Jay Leno

“The New Orleans Saints visited the White House. They presented President Obama with a Saints jersey with the number 44, in honor of his approval rating.” –Jay Leno

“Health officials in Oregon have shut down a 7-year-old girl’s lemonade stand because she didn’t have a license. Officials haven’t issued a statement yet. They’re busy popping balloon animals and stomping on sand castles.” –Craig Ferguson

“A JetBlue flight attendant cursed out passengers, grabbed two beers, slid down the chute and took off. The pilots were furious. Those were their last two beers.” –Jay Leno

“This flight attendant really went crazy. The good news: terrorists are now afraid to fly.” –Jay Leno

“The New Orleans Saints visited the White House yesterday. That’s an interesting switch, people from New Orleans visiting a disaster area.” –Jay Leno

“Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Ironically, many of the babies he’ll kiss on the campaign trail will be his own.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama announced this month that he created 70,000 new jobs. The bad news is, they are all vacation planners for him and his family.” –Jay Leno

“The U.S. Postal Service reported a $3.5 billion loss in the last quarter, which established it as the federal government’s most successful enterprise.” –Jay Leno

“Plans are being finalized for Mexico’s bicentennial. On Sept. 15, over 70 million Mexicans will celebrate, and that’s just in Los Angeles.” –Jay Leno

“Levi Johnston is planning to run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. He really is trying as hard as he can to get shot by Sarah Palin, isn’t he?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Mel Gibson’s father is speaking out, claiming that the Pope is a homosexual. It might be a good time for the whole Gibson family to go to a monastery and take a vow of silence.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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Here are the very best jokes from this week from the late night comedians, including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel:

“President Obama is going on ‘The View’ to talk about the economy. Later on, he’ll go to ‘General Hospital’ to explain to doctors how the new healthcare system works.” –Jay Leno

“With Arizona’s new immigration law getting ready to kick in, there’s a new slogan: ‘What happens in Arizona stays in Mexico.’” –Jay Leno

“Congress’ approval rating has hit an all-time low of 11 percent. To give you an idea of how bad that is, the BP oil spill is at 12 percent.” –Jay Leno

“Continental announced a new feature called ’self boarding.’ There’s no ticket agent taking your boarding pass anymore, and you scan it yourself as you board the plane. It’s part of Continental’s ‘Terrorists Fly Hassel-free’ program.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama is in town for an appearance on ‘The View.’ He probably won’t get a word in edgewise, but he said he’s used to it. He lives with his mother-in-law.” –David Letterman

“A guy in New York robbed a bank wearing clown pants, a wig, and a bra. I thought to myself, This could be a thousand guys living in the Village.” –David Letterman

“Elmhurst, Ind. wants to make it illegal to roll your eyes in public. But what if Rod Blagojevich comes to town and declares his innocence?” –David Letterman

“A federal judge has blocked Arizona’s immigration law. Immigrants have been celebrating and throwing confetti. The governor of Arizona said, ‘Sure, now they’re showing us their papers.’” –Craig Ferguson

“BP CEO Tony Hayward complained that he was unfairly ‘demonized’ in the U.S. over his handling of the Gulf oil spill. In response, demons complained that they were unfairly compared to BP CEO Tony Hayward.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is lashing out at Paul the Octopus, who predicted winners in the World Cup. Ahmadinejad said the octopus represents what’s wrong with the West. I guess he’s never seen ‘Jersey Shore.’” –Jimmy Kimmel

“He said Paul the Octopus is a symbol of decadence and decay in the Western world. You have to lose some dictator credibility when you pick a fight with an octopus.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama’s new message to the American people is ‘things could be a lot worse.’ We’ve gone from ‘change you can believe in’ to ‘things could be a lot worse.’ The sequel is never as good as the original.” –Jay Leno

“BP announced that as a result of their own internal investigation, it has cleared itself of all blame in the Gulf oil spill. In a related story, Congressman Charlie Rangel has announced that he will be investigating himself and will find himself completely innocent.” –Jay Leno

“An American named Bob Dudley is BP’s new CEO. Nice to see an American taking a job from a foreigner for once.” –Jay Leno

“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said this week that ‘Jersey Shore’ is giving New Jersey a bad name. As opposed to the good, clean, inspirational shows about New Jersey, like ‘The Sopranos.’” –Jay Leno

“Paris Hilton is in hot water for a picture in which she looks like she’s doing a Nazi salute. Let’s be honest, Paris Hilton has no idea what a Nazi salute is. She probably thinks Nazi is a game you play with dice.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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Here are some funny observations from the news over the last week:

With news of Mel Gibson’s rants coming out at the same time as the movie “Despicable Me” many people thought it was actually Mel’s autobiographical movie.

BP was able to finally stop the oil leak in the Gulf this last week.  They hired Mel Gibson to yell at it and it immediately shut down.

The YMCA is now officially called just “The Y”.  So, apparently, not only are Americans too lazy to go there to exercise.  They are also too lazy to say four letters instead of just one.

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are now engaged to be married and the office pools are already surpassing the size of the Super Bowl pools on how long they will be together.

Last week Yankee owner, George Steinbrenner, died of a heart attack.  Somewhere a whole bunch of dead former Yankee players are waiting to get chewed out for something.

Dick Cheney had heart surgery last week and he’s expected to make a full recovery.  He should be back shooting and waterboarding people in no time at all.

Joe Biden had to pay over $200,000 to the Treasury Department in penalties for his 2008 bid for the presidency due to sloppy bookkeeping and record keeping.  His spokesperson said that sort of thing is very common but privately Biden was heard to say it was actually “a big f—ing deal.”

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Here are some funny observations based on recent happenings over the last week.

Apparently Al Gore had a hot sexual affair.  It’s hard for me to imagine using Al Gore and hot sex in the same sentence.  I can only imagine things like the woman saying, “No, you are NOT putting your carbon footprint in there.”

I guess for Al Gore, when the evidence started coming in against global warming he decided he was going to do whatever he could to make things hotter.

Since Al Gore tried to take credit for inventing the Internet I wonder if he is going to say that he invented cheating on a spouse.

There have been a lot of complaints about the referees at the World Cup.  In fact, some people are saying there is more cheating going on there than from past democratic presidential and vice-presidential candidates.

North Korea has been accused of hiring its fans for the World Cup which is akin to how former New York governor, Elliot Spitzer, used to hire his “dates”.

BP CEO, Tony Hayward, says he wasn’t in the loop regarding the oil spill.  I bet there are a lot of people living in the gulf coast area that would like to put him in the loop, specifically, a loop around his neck with a knot in it.

A lot of congressmen are secretly loving this oil spill.  They are saying, “Now everybody forgets how badly we suck.”

In Bali, a man was caught having sex with a cow and he was forced to marry it.  Now when he says to someone that he is married to a old cow he is not just being mean.

According to a study done by European researchers obese men have a much easier time finding a sexual partner than obese women do.  But the obese men also have a high rate of erectile dysfunction, which is probably the reason they are able to find a sexual partner since all they can do in bed is cuddle anyway.

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Here are some funny observations from reading the news last week.  So it isn’t all bad, it just depends on how you look at things.

A 95 year old lady from Alabama got her college degree last week.  It turns out she never intended to go to college.  She was on her way to the Social Security office and she got lost and ended up enrolling  in college when she thought she was signing up for her Social Security  check.

President Obama has sent 1,200 National Guard troops to the Mexican border.  They are there searching for Osama Bin Laden.

Next he’ll be sending airport security to the border to make sure none of the illegal aliens cross the border with nail clippers or toothpaste tubes bigger than 3 oz.

The BP oil leak is officially a disaster now because Joe Biden was heard whispering in Obama’s ear that “this is a big f___ing deal.”

BP executives are very concerned about various species going extinct from the oil spill.  The species they are most concerned about are BP executives.

The Sex and the City sequel opened recently.  They are already planning the next one.  But since the girls are getting a little older now that one will be called Menopause in the City.

Heidi  Montag and Spencer Platt have split up.  She is reportedly drowning her sorrow at the plastic surgery bar.

Seattle residents recently told their mayor they want a nude beach.  Not so they can soak up the sun since it rains there all the time.  It‘s just that the economy is so bad they are afraid they won’t be able to keep a shirt on their backs.

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians.  It’s all Jay Leno and Jimmy Fallon this time.

“Earlier today, British Petroleum began this operation known as ‘top kill,’ which comes on the heels of their previous operations, ‘fish kill’ and ‘bird kill.’” –Jay Leno

“According to a White House report, President Obama becoming more and more frustrated by this whole oil leak thing. He lost his temper today. He reportedly yelled at people, ‘Plug the damn hole!’ That’s the same thing he says whenever Joe Biden starts talking.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama announced yesterday he plans to send 1,200 troops to the U.S.-Mexican border. You know who we should hire to protect our border? It’s so simple. Mexicans. They want jobs, they’re there already.” –Jay Leno

“Last night was the finale of ‘Dancing With the Stars’ and Kate Gosselin made an appearance. I don’t want to say it was bad, but this morning, the Pakistani Taliban took credit for it.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Hey, today is National Tap Dancing Day. Yes, this is the day we honor BP executives trying to explain the gulf oil disaster.” –Jay Leno

“One of the big gambling Web sites published odds on what species would be the first to become extinct from the oil spill. Unbelievable. You know the odds-on favorite? Democrat.” –Jay Leno

“Oh man, and the stock market. Another bad day. The market is so bad, BP had to lay off 15 senators.” –Jay Leno

“In Idaho, Republican Congressional candidate Vaughn Ward is in trouble after he was caught plagiarizing a famous speech by Barack Obama. When they asked this guy if he thought he could get away with this, you know what he said? ‘Yes, we can! Yes, we can! Yes, we can!’” –Jay Leno

“And over the weekend, at the Shanghai World Expo, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton passed out teddy bears to Chinese children. The kids politely accepted the bears even though, you know, they made them.” –Jay Leno|

“BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake BP account that is mocking the oil company. In response, Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak that’s ruining the ocean.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The White House is backing a new plan to repeal ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.’ They want to relax the harsh standard and implement their new policy, ‘Just Try To Not Make It Super Obvious.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“I heard that Paul McCartney invited the Jonas Brothers to his tribute at the White House next Wednesday because he thinks of them as the next Beatles. The Jonases were like, ‘Oh, man, that is so nice of you — who are the Beatles?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“And because of the ocean currents, experts say oil from the Gulf could easily spread up the East Coast all the way to the Carolinas. In fact, today, people in North Carolina said they hadn’t seen anything this slick and slimy since the John Edwards campaign.” –Jay Leno

“At the White House, speaking last week, a rodent ran in front of President Obama as he stood at the podium. In fact, the rat was picked up on the microphone going, ‘How do I get off this sinking ship?’” –Jay Leno

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Here are some jokes based on funny observations from the news over the last week:

Scientists in Germany have found the world’s oldest sex toy, 28,000 years old and made of stone.  I’m not sure how they know it was a sex toy but they are consulting with Larry King to see how it was used.

Last week a United flight from New York to L.A. made an emergency landing because of a fire in the cockpit.  It seems the match the pilot was using to light his cigarette got too close to the alcohol he was drinking and that started it.

Woody Allen recently defended Roman Polanski.  So mothers, if your teenage daughter is an actress don’t let them be in a Woody Allen movie.

Attorney General Eric Holder said he may sue Arizona for their immigration law.  He hasn’t read the law yet, he is going to wait until the movie comes out.

KFC’s new Double Down, famous for its gazillion grams of fat, is wildly successful.  So much so that they have a special deal going.  They are doing those punch cards and after you buy 10 Double Downs you get a coupon for a free coffin.

There’s a new social network site for children 10 and under called “Togetherville”.  Their motto is “it’s never too early to learn to sit around wasting time.  Then graduate to video games.”

Sadly, this site was developed after Michael Jackson’s passing.  It would have served as a great dating site for  him.

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Here are some funny observations that are based on the news over the last week:

The rumor is that Elena Kagen, the new Supreme Court Justice nominee, had dated Elliot Spitzer, former Governor of New York, when they were in college.  Another rumor is that she is a lesbian, but I’m sorry that makes her sound more like a prostitute than a lesbian.

Again about Elena Kagen, if she is a lesbian maybe dating Elliot Spitzer is what made her want to be a lesbian.

Tiger Woods’ swing coach resigned.  We knew all about the affairs but he was into swinging too….and who you needed a coach to do that.

Playboy magazine is going to be featuring a 3D centerfold in June.  I think it is great that the readers will now get the glasses that come with the magazine and isn’t that ironic since Playboy readers often ruin their eyesight anyway.

A spokesman for  Playboy said they want to make people who are infatuated with the Internet  remember there’s nothing like holding a magazine in your hands, or in this case having it stick to your hands.

With all the crimes coming out about the banks like Goldman Sachs and many of the others, it makes you wonder, we know the banks were “too big to fail”, now we’ll find out if their executives are “too big to jail”.

…and finally, in a survey at the University of Kentucky only 20% of the students considered oral sex to be sex.  They are now considering changing the name of the school to Bill Clinton University.

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