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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Congress has started the hearings on the attack on Benghazi, so finally Hillary will get to find out “what difference it makes”…especially to her running for President in 2016.

A British woman says she was able to grow her breasts three cup sizes through hypnosis.  At least she thinks they grew three sizes every time the hypnotist snapped his fingers.  When he snaps his fingers twice she thought all men grow horns and six foot penises.

Rob Kardashian is being sued by a female photographer who claims he assaulted her and took her camera.  It’s the first time on record that a Kardashian didn’t want their picture taken.

Hooters had a Mother’s Day give away of free chicken wings to mothers.  Taking your mother to Hooters on Mother’s Day is the perfect way for an adult woman to tell her mother that she is a lesbian.

More sons would take their mothers to Hooters on Mother’s Day but they are afraid their mothers will tell them, “Don’t play with those, you can take an eye out.”

Many adult children didn’t have to go visit their mothers on Mother’s Day because, due to the economy, many of them already lived with their mothers.

President Obama kicked off his “Middle Class Job and Opportunity Tour.”  It’s actually not so much a tour as a hope that he can find someone who will tell him how to create middle class jobs and opportunities.

The White House is taking a lot of heat over how slow they’ve been to respond to scandal of the IRS auditing of conservative groups.  They said they were going to ask Nancy Pelosi to respond for them but her lips were not mobile enough to talk that day.

A new poll found that 54% of Americans are tired of Justin Bieber.  Just another 10% and he’ll be qualified to run for President.

President Obama delivered a speech on how the Affordable Health Care Act will affect American families.  Appropriately, he was wearing a Darth Vader costume when he gave the speech.

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

The Chicago History Museum is now displaying Hugh Hefner’s “little black book.”  In the early part of the book there are only addresses and no phone numbers because it was before phones were invented.

Vidal Sassoon died last week at 84 years of age.  His hair will live on indefinitely.

President Obama came out in favor of gay marriage last week.  Joe Biden had done the same thing just a few days prior.  The rumor is they will be married shortly after the election in November.

The big winners after Obama endorsed gay marriage – Bert and Ernie!

The Republicans won’t agree to endorse gay marriage but they have offered a compromise.  They are willing to concede that Glee is sometimes a pretty darn good TV show.

The CIA unveiled a plan Al-Qaida had regarding a sophisticated underwear bomb.  The plan was discovered when one of the suicide terrorists bragged to a female TSA agent that, “she would get a bang out of what’s in his underwear.”

A new study says that by 2030 42% of Americans will be obese.  So, apparently, America will be getting thinner over the next 18 years.

Sylvester Stallone announced plans to shoot another Rambo movie.  Its title is “I’ll Keep Making Rambo Movies as Long as You’ll Pay to See Them.”

Obama had a $40,000 a plate fundraising dinner in Hollywood.  Nothing says “the common man’s president” like a $40,000 a plate dinner.

Obama’s new campaign slogan is “It’s not the economy, stupid!  It’s who killed bin Laden.”

For Mother’s Day, Hooters gave free chicken wings to mothers.  But mostly sons took their mothers to Hooters because they were interested in the water wings on the waitresses.

A pair of underpants that once belonged to Queen Victoria are up for auction on eBay.  They became available when the Queen switched to thongs.

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan yesterday. It wasn’t as big a surprise as last year’s Navy SEALs trip to Pakistan, but it was big. –Jay Leno

Vice President Joe Biden stayed behind. He did not go on this trip. Well, thank God for that. What if there had been an emergency here at home and Americans needed somebody to come up and say exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time? –Jay Leno

Mitt Romney is fighting back at charges by President Obama and Vice President Biden that if Romney were president, Osama bin Laden would still be alive. Romney said if he were president, bin Laden would have died a slow and painful death. He wouldn’t have ordered a hit. He would’ve canceled his healthcare. –Jay Leno

President Obama has come up with a new campaign slogan — “Forward” — that’s the slogan. And believe me, if unemployment doesn’t improve by November, it’ll be “Forward my mail.” –Jay Leno

Not such a great day for President Obama. Today he admitted he “made up” a girlfriend in his autobiography. It’s a good thing Oprah’s off the air because this would have gotten him kicked out of the book club. –Craig Ferguson

A lady got arrested for bringing her 5-year-old to a tanning salon. Guess what state she is from — New Jersey. Is that a crime in New Jersey? In New Jersey, I think they call that day care. –Jimmy Kimmel

In court today, she pleaded not guilty by reason of “intanity.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Another parent of the year nominee, Levi Johnston, will become a father again — with another girlfriend. They have already settled on a name, and that name is Breeze Beretta. I’m surprised by this. Levi usually makes sound decisions. –Jimmy Kimmel

Beretta is the name of a gun manufacturer. How bittersweet for Sarah Palin. –Jimmy Kimmel

Senator Joe Biden and New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg played a round of golf together last week. Biden shot an 89 while Bloomberg shot the person who arranged a round of golf with Joe Biden. –Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that a third of Americans would not be able to pass the U.S. citizenship test. It’s a real insult to our Founding Fathers — Denzel Washington and George Jefferson. –Jimmy Fallon

Levi Johnston and his girlfriend revealed that they will name their child Breeze Beretta. I can’t tell if it’s a boy or a girl or a Jamba Juice. –Jimmy Fallon

A new report found that prostitutes are using Twitter as a free way to advertise. They are getting a lot of retweets from one user — @secret service. –Jimmy Fallon

The Secret Service announced that agents will now be assigned chaperones on certain trips. What is that? I thought the Secret Service WAS the chaperone. –Jay Leno

Did you see who President Obama brought along with him to keep an eye on the Secret Service on his latest trip? Tim Tebow. –Jay Leno

German authorities report they have discovered digital files hidden in a porn movie that outline al-Qaida’s plans for more terrorist attacks. I believe this is the first time that a porn film has ever contained a plot. –Jay Leno

Legendary poker player Amarillo Slim has passed away at the age of 83. His friends were stunned. They thought he was bluffing. –Jay Leno

Since Osama bin Laden was killed, they say the brand name of al-Qaida has been damaged. Osama bin Laden’s death has damaged the brand — that and poor customer service. –David Letterman

Occupy Wall Street is back. There were protests everywhere today. They marched all the way to the White House. It’s not easy to get all the way to the White House. Just ask Newt Gingrich. –Craig Ferguson

Occupy Wall Street is in L.A. as well. They were expecting thousands of protesters, but it didn’t happen. A lot of people stayed home because there was something very frightening going on in L.A. today — a light rain. –Craig Ferguson

The Octomom, who filed for bankruptcy, has agreed to star in an adult film. They’re expecting that once it hits the shelves, it could sell tens of copies. –Jimmy Kimmel

How is it possible that the Octomom resorted to porn before she resorted to “Dancing With the Stars”? I’m not sure who to be sadder for, Octomom or ABC. –Jimmy Kimmel

Last night I fell and hit my head on the floor, and for the first time this season I actually saw some stars while watching that show. –Jimmy Kimmel

On Saturday night I was speaking at the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner. I roasted the president, some politicians, and the news media. Barbara Walters was there and was upset about a joke I made about her. I don’t want to turn it into a feud because I know Barbara will pull my heart out and have if roasted by her servants. –Jimmy Kimmel

Today Mitt Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of course, he was disappointed when he learned that the firehouse is not where you get to fire people. –Jimmy Fallon

Last week, a hunter in Kansas shot his friend twice because he mistakenly thought he was a turkey. After the first shot, the guy said he wasn’t a turkey. But, come on, that’s exactly what a turkey would have said. –Jimmy Fallon

There’s a new restaurant in Oregon that serves food infused with medical marijuana. It’s annoying when customers call the waiter over and they’re like, “Hey, we never got our appetizers. Wait, did we get our appetizers?” –Jimmy Fallon

A couple in Indiana claims that a deer got into their house and filled up their bathtub with water. Even weirder — the deer also lit some candles and put on a John Legend CD. –Jimmy Fallon

The Secret Service has withdrawn its protection of Newt Gingrich in advance of him formally announcing the suspension of his campaign. His Secret Service protection was costing us $44,000 a day. I guess they figured it wasn’t worth it anymore to protect Newt from all the people trying to ignore him. –Jay Leno

President Obama has revealed his new re-election slogan — “Forward.” That’s a good message for Obama. He’s telling voters, “Whatever you do, don’t look back at all those campaign promises I made.” –Jay Leno

Here’s a little bit of history. On this day in 1789, George Washington became the first president of the United States after just narrowly beating out Ron Paul. –Jay Leno

According to the New York Post, John Edwards has gone from $500 haircuts to $12.95 haircuts at Supercuts. The next haircut he’s going to get in prison will be free. –Jay Leno

It turns out that there is a woman in an apartment on the Upper East Side who has lived in the same apartment for 100 years. So congratulations to Barbara Walters. –David Letterman

A year ago Osama bin Laden was killed. He was executed in Pakistan. They say that Osama bin Laden would be alive today if his bodyguards hadn’t been screwing around with hookers. –David Letterman

Osama bin Laden was watching TV when the SEAL Team 6 busted in while he was in there with three wives. Just before the SEAL Team 6 came busting in he turned to his wives and said “Hey girls, let’s see who is on “Leno.” That was the last thing he said. –David Letterman

I hosted the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner on Saturday night. The entertainment was me and President Obama. He was very funny, and made jokes about the fact that he ate a dog. Some people thought it was undignified for the president to joke about that. Personally, I feel like once you eat a dog, dignity is pretty much out the window. Get what you can out of it. –Jimmy Kimmel

I was making jokes about the Secret Service while they were 10 feet away from me with machine guns in their hands. President Obama made jokes about them and he didn’t get much of a reaction either. They’re probably laughing on the inside. –Jimmy Kimmel

Strange development in the Secret Service prostitution saga. They issued new rules of conduct on Friday, and on some trips they will send chaperones to make sure the rules are enforced. Am I nuts, or is this weird? We have to give the Secret Service chaperones to make sure they don’t get drunk and have sex? –Jimmy Kimmel

After the prostitution scandal in Colombia, Secret Service agents are banned from bringing guests back to their hotel room. The new policy is raising lots of questions like, “So, your place then?” -Jimmy Fallon

Last week, a man running the London marathon stopped 800 yards from the finish line to propose to his girlfriend. Unfortunately, though, a guy from Kenya passed him and ended up proposing first. -Jimmy Fallon

There’s a new dating site aimed at matching up women who like to travel with men willing to pay for their trips. It’s part of a new dating trend called prostitution. -Jimmy Fallon

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O’Brien and David Letterman:

A group headed up by Magic Johnson bought the Dodgers for $2 billion. How much are beer and hot dogs going to cost at Dodger Stadium now? –Jay Leno

Gas prices are expected to continue to rise throughout the summer, and oil companies say it’s because of high demand due to warmer summer weather — as opposed to what they told us a couple of months ago, that oil prices went up because of higher demand for winter heating oil. So basically, if there’s weather, gas prices go up. –Jay Leno

Newt Gingrich announced today he is laying off a third of his campaign staff. Is that surprising? He laid off two-thirds of his wives. –Jay Leno

“Titanic” is being re-released in 3-D, and they tried to update it a little bit to play to the younger crowd. In the new version, the captain hits the iceberg because he’s texting. –Jay Leno

An investment group headed by Magic Johnson has reached a deal to buy the Los Angeles Dodgers. Magic said he won’t make any major changes other than the Dodgers will now play basketball. –Conan O’Brien

It’s never a good sign when the best athlete on your team is the owner. –Conan O’Brien

“The Hunger Games” mania continues. After “Twilight” fans were called Twi-hards, “Hunger Games” fans have now been dubbed Hunger-lings. “John Carter” fans are referred to as “That guy who saw ‘John Carter.’” –Conan O’Brien

A recent report shows that pot smokers get into fewer car crashers than drunk people. Then again, it’s easier to see what is coming when you’re driving at 11 miles an hour. –Conan O’Brien

A study claims eight out of 109 cities that value sex the most are in California. So thank you, Governor Schwarzenegger. –Jimmy Kimmel

Seven of the eight cities that value sex the most are in the L.A. area. That makes sense. We have Paris Hilton and Charlie Sheen living here. –Jimmy Kimmel

Ron Paul said it’s still too early to count him out as the Republican nominee. Seriously? That’s like Newt Gingrich saying it’s too early to count him out as an Abercrombie model. –Jimmy Fallon

A high school here in New York is asking Knicks point guard Jeremy Lin to speak at its graduation. Lin plans on telling the kids they can be anything they dream of — for about two weeks. –Jimmy Fallon

Alicia Silverstone is making news for feeding her son by chewing his food and then passing it into his mouth. Even birds are like, “Just buy him some Gerber, you weirdo!” –Jimmy Fallon

In New York City this week, they had the annual Greek Independence Day Parade. In fact, it was so authentically Greek that before the parade even started it was $12 million in debt. –Jay Leno

A madam in New York City claims that John Edwards was a customer in her brothel. You hear that kind of thing and it really makes you lose respect for prostitutes, doesn’t it? –Jay Leno

The Supreme Court is deciding right now whether the government can mandate that all Americans buy health insurance. Rick Santorum said, “There’s no way I’m letting the government make me go on a man date.” –Conan O’Brien

The man who hacked into Scarlett Johansson’s cell phone and posted nude photos of her has pled guilty. However, the judge has reduced the man’s sentence if he solemnly swears to do it again. –Conan O’Brien

In Germany, a court has ruled that German police are allowed to racially profile citizens. But don’t worry. It’s Germany, so things shouldn’t get out of hand. –Conan O’Brien

Over the weekend they gave Dick Cheney a heart transplant. Finally all of those midnight trips to the graveyard with the hunchbacked assistant have paid off. –David Letterman

Dick Cheney was talking to a reporter right after the surgery and he said he wants to live long enough to make sure nobody else gets healthcare. –David Letterman

For the first time in history, Americans will watch more movies online than they will on physical media like DVDs. Four billion will be watched the old-fashioned way. In 10 years people will be looking back on us renting movies at Blockbuster like we look back at people washing their clothes on a river rock. –Jimmy Kimmel

Newt Gingrich is hoping to cut into his campaign debt by charging people $50 to take a photo with him. Just imagine — a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get a personal picture with a man who will never be the president of the United States. –Jimmy Kimmel

I would pay the 50 bucks if he agreed to wear a prom dress in the photo. –Jimmy Kimmel

Apparently Tim Tebow is looking for a house in the same neighborhood where Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez lives. It’s right at the intersection of Awkward and Yikes. –Jimmy Fallon

A strip club in New York is offering to give Tim Tebow his first lap dance for free. It’ll be the first time where the customer is the one who keeps yelling “No touching.” –Jimmy Fallon

A woman here in New York claims that her blind date stole her iPhone and her wallet. She was like, “I have to get that iPhone back — I mean, what if he calls”? –Jimmy Fallon

This week a man wearing a Batman costume was pulled over while driving a Lamborghini. I think the real story here is that a grown man who owns a Batman costume can actually afford a Lamborghini. –Jimmy Fallon

I spent my whole weekend filling out my brackets for “The Hunger Games.” –Jay Leno

The New York Police Department says Iran has conducted surveillance inside New York City. They say Iranian operatives are using special mobile surveillance units. I believe they’re called taxi cabs. –Jay Leno

This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. And I thought this was nice — they let him shoot the donor himself. –Jay Leno

Fox News sent Dick Cheney flowers. MSNBC sent chili cheese fries. –Jay Leno

This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. The heart is working so well that Cheney has already gone to Whoville and returned all their Christmas presents. –Conan O’Brien

Rick Santorum said you aren’t a real Republican until you’ve sworn at someone from The New York Times. Moments later a panicked Mitt Romney called the New York Times reception desk and said “Heck!” –Conan O’Brien

The Pope made a visit to Mexico. He took first place in the spring break Wet Pope Hat Contest. –Conan O’Brien

President Obama is getting tough on North Korea. This weekend President Obama warned Kim Jong Un that bad behavior will not be rewarded. Then Kim Jong Un asked, “So how do you explain a new season of ‘Jersey Shore.’” –Conan O’Brien

Tiger Woods did something unusual this weekend. He won a golf tournament. –Jimmy Kimmel

Tiger’s now a 4-1 favorite to win at The Masters. They say all he has to do is stay away from Ambien, Escalades, and hostesses at the Waffle House. –Jimmy Kimmel

Pope Benedict XVI spent the weekend in Mexico. He likes to spend spring break at Señor Frog’s. He’s been doing it since he was in college. –Jimmy Kimmel

The Pope wears the best hats. He gives Lady Gaga a run for her money. –Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday on CNN, White House adviser David Plouffe referred to the Republican presidential race as a “clown show.” That’s as rough as it gets on CNN. Romney, Santorum, Paul, and Gingrich all called the statement ridiculous and then piled into one tiny car and drove off. –Jimmy Fallon

Dick Cheney received a heart transplant this weekend after waiting for two years. He wasn’t waiting for a donor. It just took doctors two years to find Cheney’s current heart. –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday President Obama said that North Korea is in a “time warp” that has missed 50 years of progress. North Korea denied the accusation — in a strongly worded telegraph. –Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that Facebook, Google, and YouTube are the most popular websites in the U.S. — while the least popular website in the U.S. is Gingrich2012.org. –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including David Letterman and Craig Ferguson. (The rest are on vacation.)

“Yesterday, earthquake; today, hurricane. Where do you go next — Tripoli?” –David Letterman

“The earthquake registered 5.8 on the Richter scale. I’ve had bigger heart attacks than that.” –David Letterman

“The earthquake was so strong that the Tea Party shifted to the center.” –David Letterman

“President Obama is enjoying the fun and sun in Martha’s Vineyard. It’s really sad when your SPF factor is higher than your approval rating.” –David Letterman

“After the earthquake on the East Coast, they found Mayor Bloomberg standing under his desk.” –David Letterman

“On the bright side, I didn’t have to shake my morning martini.” –David Letterman

“They felt the earthquake at Martha’s Vineyard. It was so bad, President Obama nearly missed a putt.” –David Letterman

“They traced the epicenter of the earthquake to N.J. Governor Chis Christie’s aerobics class. No, to Kim Kardashian’s honeymoon suite. ” –David Letterman

“Today Mitt Romney announced he’s building a $12-million beach house in California. There’s a man who can read the mood of the country.” –David Letterman

“A guy last week put a fatwa out on me. CBS has been great. When they heard about it, they started holding auditions for my replacement.” –David Letterman

“A guy, a radical extremist, threatened to cut my tongue out. I wish I had a nickel … I think the first time was during the Academy Awards.” –David Letterman

“I’m sorry I was late coming out. Backstage I was talking to the guy from CBS. We were going through the CBS insurance policy to see if I was covered for jihad.” –David Letterman

“Tonight you people are more to me than an audience. You’re more like a human shield.” –David Letterman

There’s a fatwa on me. They say the guy that issued it is an Internet jihadist. Who says Obama isn’t creating jobs? –David Letterman

The State Department is investigating, but everyone knows it’s Leno. –David Letterman

When they killed bin Laden, he had been locked in a house with three wives for six years. So when the SEALs broke in, he said, “Just shoot me.” –David Letterman

“The east coast is still cleaning up after the earthquake. Experts say this only happens once a century. It’s Larry King’s third.” –Craig Ferguson

“Apparently there’s a crack in the Washington Monument. Calm down, Marion Barry, I said ‘a crack.’” –Craig Ferguson

“Gaddafi’s sons are getting arrested. A revolution is not the best time to be a dictator’s sons, or as they’re called in Libya, dictator tots. It’s tater tots with a “dic” in front.” –Craig Ferguson

“No one knows where the low-budget Bond villain Moammar Gaddafi is. He swears he’ll die in his compound. He’s a guy, once he gets a bad idea he sticks with it. Look at this picture. “I’m going to wear the curtains.” –Craig Ferguson

Someone sent the show an envelope with white powder which turned out to be corn starch. On the one hand, I have an enemy out there, but on the other hand, my suits will now be thicker and richer. –Craig Ferguson

Researchers in Britain claim they have created a gel that prevents tooth decay. We’ve got this in America. It’s called “toothpaste.” –Craig Ferguson

We had an Anthrax scare at the studio after they found an envelope with white powder in it. All of the staff had to leave and didn’t get any work done. It was like any other day. –Craig Ferguson

They say the envelope came from France. I knew I shouldn’t have done that Gerard Depardieu joke. –Craig Ferguson

If this had been a real threat, CBS has a plan to replace me with Ashton Kutcher. –Craig Ferguson

Everyone is watching the big global news story. We’re seeing historic changes rocking one of the most ruthless families on earth. That’s right, Kim Kardashian got married. –Craig Ferguson

Some people think Gadhafi will go into exile somewhere harmless where we can keep an eye on him. I’m thinking “Dancing With the Stars.” –Craig Ferguson

I think I speak for everyone when I say we’re hoping for an end to the bloodshed, a peaceful transition to democracy, and . . . cheaper gas. –Craig Ferguson

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Since Anthony Weiner resigned from Congress he’s looking for new career opportunities so he’s thinking of becoming a priest.

Mel Gibson is dating again so it looks like we have a potential comedy replacement as Weinergate gets old.

A man in Oregon, who quit college in 1932, finally went back and got his degree.  I hope he wasn’t just trying to “find himself” before he completed because all he’ll find now is some old guy.

Another case of a person going back to college was a mom who earned her degree 23 years after having a memory loss from a car accident.  Apparently, she forgot how worthless college really is these days and she went back for her degree anyway.

Spam, these days, is thought to be when you spew out a lot of unsolicited e-mails.  Now Burger King is selling spam burgers, but this is the old kind of spam with meat in a can.  It will produce some of the same type of effects as spam e-mail.  After you eat one there will definitely be something spewed out, it just won’t be e-mails.

Lady Gaga’s meat dress is going into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland Ohio.  This goes to show how many preservatives there really are in food these days.

The wedding of Hugh Hefner, 85 years old, to his 25 year old fiancé is off.  When asked for a reaction Hef responded, “What wedding?”

President Obama is contending that the U.S. air attacks against Libya do not constitute hostilities.  This is very similar, if on a different scale, to former President Clinton contending that oral sex does not constitute sex.

Last Week President Obama met with Treasury Secretary, Timothy Geither, in the Oval Office to see what believable lies they could come up with to tell us about the economy.  They came up with numerous lies, none of them believable.

Researchers have found that watching too much TV increases your risk of premature death.  It’s even worse if you text your friend about what happened in your favorite episode while you’re driving.

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Here are some funny observations made over the last week from watching the news and current events:

President Obama accidentally dropped an “S-bomb” at a press conference last week.  Joe Biden commented, “That’s a start but he’s got a way to go until he gets into my league.”

Last week it had been reported that O. J. Simpson was badly beaten in prison after he was bragging about his sexual exploits.  Upon hearing about it Bill Clinton and John Edwards immediately got onto the Internet and googled the word “Karma” in hopes of finding a loophole.

Last week Hillary Clinton urged Bahrain to show restraint in dealing with anti-government protesters.  She figured it worked so well telling Bill to show restraint that now she was going to try it with a country.

Charlie Sheen recently offered Lindsay Lohan life advice.  That’s like the Burger King mascot King telling Ronald McDonald to stay away from fast food.

Charlie Sheen also told TMZ that he is willing to work weekends and beyond the wrap date to finish the season of Two and a Half Men.  He does need the money.  After all, drugs, sex and hookers are not free, you know.

A TSA worker was arrested for stealing thousands of dollars from a flier.  I guess that flier won’t be hiding money in his shorts anymore.

In Malaysia, police arrested three men for stealing 750,000 condoms.  Wow!  They must have had some weekend planned!

A congressman proposed legislation that would eliminate funding for Obama’s teleprompter.  That would have been cruel.  It would be like cutting out his tongue.

Finally, in Egypt, a father named his baby girl Facebook.  Luckily for the girl her dad was not also a big fan of Twitter or the girl may have ended up with the name TwitFace.

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Here are some funny observations from watching the news and seeing the currents events over the last week:

The TSA pat-down guys want to unionize.  They will be in the same union as the girls who do massages with a happy ending.

Michelle Obama has been on the campaign to reduce childhood obesity now for one year.  The program is called Let’s Move!”  The Secret Service code word for the program is called Humpty Dumpty.

In a small town in Kentucky a dog was elected mayor.  That’s very unusual.  Usually when we think of politicians being an animal it’s more like a jackass or weasel.

An Italian couple was accused of using a stick of butter as a murder weapon.  There are even more discreet methods for murder than that one.  For example, no one even knows how many people Al Gore has killed by boring them to death.

Christina Aguilera’s divorce details are coming out.  Apparently, her husband is still holding a grudge because when she said her wedding vows she accidentally said his name wrong.

President Obama unveiled his new $3.73 trillion spending plan.  It would have even been higher but he took new hair plugs for Joe Biden out of the budget.

Barbie and Ken dolls just spent their 43^rd Valentine’s Day together.  In fact, Ken is getting so old he had to contact the Obama administration to see if they could give him any advice on a stimulus plan.  He said after 43 years together it’s just not that easy to get stimulated anymore.

Valentine’s Day was also National Condom Day.  To me that sounds like a bigger cover-up going on than Nixon had with Watergate, which was also about covering up a Dick.

There was a report this week that Apple is working on a cheaper iPhone.  I’d just like to see them work on an iPhone that can make and receive calls.

Starbucks is jumping into the market for single service coffee machines like the Keurig K-cup brewing system.  For men, it would be a lot more appealing if it was a D-cup.

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Fallon and Craig Ferguson:

“Michelle Obama says her husband, President Obama, has quit smoking. Fox News reported this as ‘Obama Destroying the Tobacco Industry.’” –Craig Ferguson

“Joe Biden announced plans for a $53 billion train system. To offset the cost, they’re raising the price of a train ticket to $53 billion.” –Craig Ferguson

“Vice presidents love technology: Joe Biden with the trains, Al Gore with the Internet, and Dick Cheney with the electric torture clamps.” –Craig Ferguson

“The literary world has been abuzz after Bristol Palin released a 304-page memoir. At her age, it’s not called a memoir, it’s called a diary.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Nancy Pelosi described Justin Bieber as ‘adorable but also substantial,’ while Justin Bieber described Nancy Pelosi as ‘court ordered to maintain a distance of 300 feet at all times.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is the richest man in the world, with more than $70 billion in hidden assets. That will go up even more once his unemployment kicks in.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Prince William’s nightclub owner friend is said to be planning a wild bachelor party. It must be weird stuffing a bill in a stripper’s g-string when it has a picture of your grandmother on it.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Catholic Church has approved a new app that lets you make confessions over your iPhone. It also raises the possibility of accidentally butt-dialing God.” –Conan O’Brien

“The economics professor who helped craft President Obama’s healthcare plan is going to explain that plan in a comic book. As a result, President Bush has now come out in favor of Obama’s healthcare plan.” –Conan O’Brien

“An Egyptian Google executive has become a hero to Egyptian protestors for a Facebook page he created. Still no luck selling his futon on Craigslist, though.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama urged private businesses to hire more workers. He didn’t realize that only the government hires more people than it needs.” –Jay Leno

“Washington, D.C. is updating its traffic cameras to enforce traffic laws. How about enforcing bribery and corruption laws?” –Jay Leno

“Keith Olbermann has a new show on Al Gore’s new network. I’m not saying the audience is small, but he begins his show with, Good evening, Al.” –Jay Leno

“There was a power outage at Newark Airport. Who wants a TSA pat-down with the lights off?” –Jay Leno

“Peru has changed its national anthem. It wasn’t too hard to change the lyrics. They just let Christina Aguilera sing it.” –Jay Leno

“The head of Homeland Security told people at the game, if they saw anything not right give them a call. They got 50 million calls as soon as Christina Aguilera started singing the National Anthem. The good news, you can’t accuse her of lip syncing.” –Jay Leno

“Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak told ABC news that he would like to step down from power immediately, but if he did, it could cause chaos in his country. Well, you would hate to see that happen.” –Jay Leno

“Christina Aguilera sang the wrong words to ‘The Star-Spangled Banner.’ And even worse, the Black Eyed Peas sang their songs exactly right.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama had a Super Bowl party which featured food from both Wisconsin and Pennsylvania, which explains why he tested positive for diabetes the next morning.” –Conan O’Brien

“Over the weekend Dick Cheney declared Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak a good friend. Mubarak said, ‘Dude, that’s not really helping.’” –Conan O’Brien

“A lot of Americans are still trapped in Egypt. They’re being advised to bring their own food and water to the airport. Also their own plane.” –Conan O’Brien

darnfunnyonline.com

It time for another episode of It Could Be Worse, where no matter how bad things seem to be it  could always be worse (plus it’s fun to do):

It could be worse:

1)      You could be Justin Bieber’s hair stylist and have to live with that fact, (…or Donald Trump’s.)

2)      You could be a bed bug getting a lot of bad press for living in a 5 star hotel so now the hotels are out to get you.

3)      You could be the gunman who hijacked a bus last week and not be smart enough to know that a bus is not a great getaway vehicle.

4)      You could be Ben Bernanke’s college economics professor and you have to admit that you gave him a passing grade.

5)      You could be the National Anthem and now every time you hear Christina Aguilera sing a song on the radio you cringe.

6)      You could be the container of Gatorade that inevitably gets thrown on the winning coach’s head at the Super Bowl and you never get to fulfill your destiny of getting drunk by a thirsty athlete.

7)      You could be a patch of grass in Iowa already being stomped on by presidential candidates for 2012.

8)      You could be the Black Eyed Peas on Monday morning after the Super Bowl being told that you know how to make a good entrance but not a very good halftime performance.

9)      You could be the maker of one of the really bad Super Bowl commercials.

10)   You could be a “female” tax return and on April 15^th you just know you are going to be cheated on and you still have more than 2 months to think about it.

darnfunnyonline.com