“An upcoming Republican debate will be moderated by Donald Trump. It will take place in the Trump Forum for the Future of Democracy and Casino.” –Conan O’Brien

“The day before yesterday, Herman Cain suspended his campaign. That is a shame. He touched so many people.” –Stephen Colbert

“Herman Cain announced Saturday he was suspending his campaign. He brought his wife with him, so apparently he couldn’t get a date. I guess he used up all his 9-9-9 lives. The closest he got to the White House was spending the night at Ginger White’s house.” –Jay Leno

“The good news: unemployment is down and people are out looking for work. That’s good news. In fact today Herman Cain applied at Domino’s, Pizza Hut, Round Table, and Little Caesars…” –Jay Leno

“Not surprisingly, Herman Cain suspended his presidential campaign. He made the announcement on Saturday…he brought his wife with him so apparently he couldn’t find a date.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama is getting some flak for his planned 17-day Christmas vacation. That’s a long time, 17 days. I mean, even Mary and Joseph only took the day off for Christmas.” –Jay Leno

“To save money, the U.S. Postal Service announced the end of next-day service. That’s a good way to get people to come back, isn’t it? Make your service even slower than it already is.” –Jay Leno

“Due to the bad economy, the Queen of England’s salary will be frozen for the next four years. In fact, to make ends meet the queen is thinking of having a yard sale. Getting rid of a lot of stuff they don’t use anymore, like Canada.” –Jay Leno

“We have a mayor here called Mayor Bloomberg and he’s a little man. And this is the worst time of year for the guy, as you can imagine because whenever he’s out walking around, everybody’s screaming, ‘Look, one of Santa’s elves!’” –David Letterman

“Herman Cain has suspended his presidential campaign, but he has asked the Secret Service if they could continue to provide him protection, at least until his wife cools off.” –David Letterman

“Everybody’s talking about the presidential election. And this is big: Two days after stepping down, there are rumors that Herman Cain is endorsing his former rival, Newt Gingrich. Not to be president, but to be his new wingman.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Even though Herman Cain is suspending his campaign, he’s launching a new website called TheCainSolution.com. Yeah, it’s the only political website that makes you click an ‘I’m Over 18′ button to enter.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Herman Cain made a major announcement on Saturday at the grand opening of his new campaign headquarters, announcing that he is suspending his campaign. It was a grand opening and a grand closing at the same time.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Now that he’s back home Herman Cain’s wife has a huge to-do list for him. 1. Clean out the garage. 2. Go live in it.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Cain blames a conspiracy by powerful Democrats who are intent on destroying him for these various allegations. I don’t think you can blame the Democrats. I’m pretty sure they were rooting for him in this particular case.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Over the weekend, Herman Cain dropped out the Republican presidential race. Cain said he wants to spend more time with the wife. Not his wife.” –Craig Ferguson

Here in Los Angeles, it was so cold that Christmas shoppers here at the Wal-Mart pepper sprayed each other just to feel the burn. –Jay Leno

Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich sentenced to 14 years in prison. This is the most disgraceful thing to happen to an Illinois governor since their last governor. –Jay Leno

According to reports, one of Moammar Gadhafi’s sons had an elaborate plan to sneak into Mexico. Authorities broke up the plan before it took place. Believe me, if there’s one thing Mexico will not stand for, it’s people sneaking over their border. –Jay Leno

There was an embarrassing moment for Rick Perry. He announced that it was the anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Jam. –Jay Leno

India has suspended its plans to let a Wal-Mart open in its country. The prime minister’s exact words were “India will make your crappy clothes, but we won’t buy them.” –Conan O’Brien

Someone hacked into Facebook and leaked Mark Zuckerberg’s private photos. When Zuckerberg realized someone had showed a blatant disregard for his privacy, he hired them. –Conan O’Brien

Rod Blagojevich is going away for 14 Years in prison. His barber got the death penalty. –David Letterman

Newt Gingrich did not make it on the Most Fascinating People list. He made it on another list of 2011 though: Most Fascinating Newts. –David Letterman

The former governor of Illinois Rod Blagojevich got 14 Years in prison. He will probably get time off for good hair. –Craig Ferguson

To give you an idea how long that is, take Kim Kardashian’s marriage and add 14 years. –Craig Ferguson

He was convicted of trying to sell Barack Obama’s vacant senate seat. If he had waited a few years, he could probably sell it back to Barack Obama. –Craig Ferguson

Alec Baldwin was kicked off an American Airlines flight yesterday. The good news is, it freed up three seats for standby passengers. –Craig Ferguson

The Library of Congress has partnered with Twitter to store every tweet ever posted in their archive of historical documents. So, this is what Congress is doing? –Jimmy Kimmel

The Library of Congress is home to some of the most important documents in history including the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and now it will so include tweets from Gretchen44, who likes strawberry balsamic vinegar on her salad. –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump is hosting a debate in Iowa, but so far Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum are the only presidential candidates to RSVP. Rick Santorum actually requested a plus one — you know, so he could bring all of his supporters. –Jimmy Fallon

This week, a designer in New York unveiled a bottle of perfume that costs $1 million. Yeah, a million bucks for a few ounces of liquid. Which explains its name: “Starbucks.” –Jimmy Fallon

Dr. Phil just revealed that he helped perform his own vasectomy 30 years ago. In related news, never make small talk in an elevator with Dr. Phil. –Jimmy Fallon

This month marks the 19th anniversary of the text message. Man, I can’t believe that 20 years ago, we didn’t have the ability to write someone and let them know, “Hey, just called you.” –Jimmy Fallon

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“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie officially announced that he will not be running for president. Do we really want a president who looks like an American League umpire?” –David Letterman

“Chris Christie would have been the first American President visible from space. The Marine Band would have played ‘Hail to the Chef.’ If he’d run, the Republicans would have had to choose between him and Rick Perry. One’s morbidly obese, and the other is morally obtuse.” –David Letterman

“Chris Christie announced that he will not run for president. I don’t think you have to announce that, I think you just don’t run.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Not only did Christie say he’s not going to run, he’s also not going to jog or walk anymore.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“People said it’s not fair to joke about Chris Christie being fat when they wouldn’t make the same kinds of jokes if he were gay. But it’s a whole different thing. For one thing, if he were gay, he wouldn’t be fat. I’d love to have him in the Oval Office. He’d fit right in.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“In a new interview, President Obama revealed that Steve Jobs gave him an iPad last year before it was officially released. Unfortunately, it broke when Biden thought it was an Etch A Sketch and started shaking it.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Rick Perry is pretty serious about running for President. Today he freed all of the slaves on his ranch. Did you hear about that?” –Jay Leno

“Not looking good for Perry. In fact, earlier today, Herman Cain said that he would rather go hunting with Dick Cheney than Rick Perry.” –Jay Leno

“That terrorist Anwar al-Awlaki, who was killed last week, was American-born and was a top recruiter for al-Qaida. You don’t often see an American taking a foreigner’s job.” –Jay Leno

“Police in Massachusetts have arrested a man for allegedly planning to blow up the Pentagon and the Capitol by using radio-controlled model airplanes filled with explosives. Is this the best the terrorists have now? Using toys? What is Wile E. Coyote joined Al Qaeda. What’s next? Maybe a batch of poison cookies cooked from an EZ Bake oven?” –Jay Leno

“More than 700 protestors were arrested over the weekend for blocking traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge. They say the best way to fight corporate greed is to make random people sit in traffic while they’re trying to visit their aunt in Brooklyn.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Herman Cain said that as president, he will bring Republicans and Democrats together. He was the guy that brought pineapple and ham together on a pizza, so it wouldn’t be surprising.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Hey, congratulations to the Obamas, who are celebrating their 19th wedding anniversary today. They were going to go out to dinner, but they couldn’t find a sitter for Biden.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Actually, President Obama did take Michelle out to a lovely dinner on Saturday. It was a little awkward, though. When the bill came, Obama just put it on the tab of the Chinese couple sitting next to them.” –Jimmy Fallon

“In a new interview, Michele Bachmann said that quote, ‘China has blinded U.S. satellites with their lasers.’ Which explains Michele Bachmann’s new campaign adviser: Gary Busey.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Special Forces killed the editor of al-Qaida’s magazine. So your delivery may be a little late this month. Before this guy worked for al-Qaida’s magazine, he worked for ‘Carbomb and Driver.’” –David Letterman

“It’s the third week of the Wall Street protests and they’ve closed down an entire Manhattan street. And then, the cops asked Michael Moore to move.” –Craig Ferguson

“Happy anniversary to President Obama and the first lady. They had a nice private dinner to celebrate the 19th anniversary of the last time someone said ‘yes’ to an Obama proposal.” –Craig Ferguson

“I don’t know much about the Supreme Court. If it’s anything like the Supreme Taco, it’s like a regular court, but with extra sour cream.” –Craig Ferguson

“There are nine Supreme Court members and nine people on a baseball team. Coincidence? Yes.” –Craig Ferguson

They say Chris Christie decided not to get into the presidential race because he has no shot at winning. That’s not stopping President Obama though. –Jay Leno

Amanda Knox is finally home and she says she doesn’t want to do anything that reminds her of Italy. So last night, they went to the Olive Garden. –Jay Leno

A woman in California has been in prison for 20 years after she murdered her husband and ate him. The sad part: It was the only time she and her husband had dinner together. –Jay Leno

Hank Williams, Jr. was fired by ESPN because he compared President Obama to Adolf Hitler. That’s a rookie mistake. –David Letterman

The Nobel Prize for medicine went to the team of doctors that X-rayed Kim Kardashian’s butt. –David Letterman

A month ago, all we heard about was Rick Perry and now, he’s off the map. He had a worse September than the Red Sox. –David Letterman

Gov. Chris Christie from New Jersey is not running for president. He weighed the pros, he weighed the cons, and then he weighed himself. –David Letterman

Sarah Palin will not run for president, which is good news for Palin-haters, but bad news for the moose population. –Jimmy Kimmel

Hey, Congratulations to Donald Trump, who just welcomed his fourth grandchild! You could tell it was Trump’s grandchild because as soon as it came out, it demanded to see its own birth certificate. –Jimmy Fallon

Researchers in the U.K. have developed a vegetable called “super broccoli” designed to fight heart disease. Not to be outdone, researchers in America have developed a way to stuff an Oreo inside another Oreo. –Jimmy Fallon

Today first lady Michelle Obama made a surprise visit to the Secret Service headquarters. Michelle was like, “You guys are great. But since I was able to surprise you . . . you’re fired.” –Jimmy Fallon

The founder of Home Depot announced that he is supporting Mitt Romney for president. It’s kind of a nice story, because Mitt Romney was actually assembled with parts from Home Depot. –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

“Yesterday, earthquake; today, hurricane. Where do you go next — Tripoli?” –David Letterman

“The earthquake registered 5.8 on the Richter scale. I’ve had bigger heart attacks than that.” –David Letterman

“The earthquake was so strong that the Tea Party shifted to the center.” –David Letterman

“President Obama is enjoying the fun and sun in Martha’s Vineyard. It’s really sad when your SPF factor is higher than your approval rating.” –David Letterman

“After the earthquake on the East Coast, they found Mayor Bloomberg standing under his desk.” –David Letterman

“On the bright side, I didn’t have to shake my morning martini.” –David Letterman

“They felt the earthquake at Martha’s Vineyard. It was so bad, President Obama nearly missed a putt.” –David Letterman

“They traced the epicenter of the earthquake to N.J. Governor Chis Christie’s aerobics class. No, to Kim Kardashian’s honeymoon suite. ” –David Letterman

“Today Mitt Romney announced he’s building a $12-million beach house in California. There’s a man who can read the mood of the country.” –David Letterman

“A guy last week put a fatwa out on me. CBS has been great. When they heard about it, they started holding auditions for my replacement.” –David Letterman

“A guy, a radical extremist, threatened to cut my tongue out. I wish I had a nickel … I think the first time was during the Academy Awards.” –David Letterman

“I’m sorry I was late coming out. Backstage I was talking to the guy from CBS. We were going through the CBS insurance policy to see if I was covered for jihad.” –David Letterman

“Tonight you people are more to me than an audience. You’re more like a human shield.” –David Letterman

There’s a fatwa on me. They say the guy that issued it is an Internet jihadist. Who says Obama isn’t creating jobs? –David Letterman

The State Department is investigating, but everyone knows it’s Leno. –David Letterman

When they killed bin Laden, he had been locked in a house with three wives for six years. So when the SEALs broke in, he said, “Just shoot me.” –David Letterman

“The east coast is still cleaning up after the earthquake. Experts say this only happens once a century. It’s Larry King’s third.” –Craig Ferguson

“Apparently there’s a crack in the Washington Monument. Calm down, Marion Barry, I said ‘a crack.’” –Craig Ferguson

“Gaddafi’s sons are getting arrested. A revolution is not the best time to be a dictator’s sons, or as they’re called in Libya, dictator tots. It’s tater tots with a “dic” in front.” –Craig Ferguson

“No one knows where the low-budget Bond villain Moammar Gaddafi is. He swears he’ll die in his compound. He’s a guy, once he gets a bad idea he sticks with it. Look at this picture. “I’m going to wear the curtains.” –Craig Ferguson

Someone sent the show an envelope with white powder which turned out to be corn starch. On the one hand, I have an enemy out there, but on the other hand, my suits will now be thicker and richer. –Craig Ferguson

Researchers in Britain claim they have created a gel that prevents tooth decay. We’ve got this in America. It’s called “toothpaste.” –Craig Ferguson

We had an Anthrax scare at the studio after they found an envelope with white powder in it. All of the staff had to leave and didn’t get any work done. It was like any other day. –Craig Ferguson

They say the envelope came from France. I knew I shouldn’t have done that Gerard Depardieu joke. –Craig Ferguson

If this had been a real threat, CBS has a plan to replace me with Ashton Kutcher. –Craig Ferguson

Everyone is watching the big global news story. We’re seeing historic changes rocking one of the most ruthless families on earth. That’s right, Kim Kardashian got married. –Craig Ferguson

Some people think Gadhafi will go into exile somewhere harmless where we can keep an eye on him. I’m thinking “Dancing With the Stars.” –Craig Ferguson

I think I speak for everyone when I say we’re hoping for an end to the bloodshed, a peaceful transition to democracy, and . . . cheaper gas. –Craig Ferguson

darnfunnyonline.com

“The White House sent Vice President Joe Biden to China today. So now we owe them a trillion dollars AND an apology.” –Conan O’Brien

“Newt Gingrich, who came in 8th place in the Iowa Straw Poll, said he’s ‘not dead yet.’ Then he was invited on ‘Dancing With the Stars,’ and he said, ‘OK, now I’m dead.’” –Conan O’Brien

“A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn’t sound too bad to me. You’d probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama is touring the country in a bus, because nothing inspires hope in the economy like the president riding in a bus.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Texas Governor Rick Perry distanced himself from George W. Bush by saying, ‘I went to Texas A&M. He went to Yale.’ In other words, his idea of instilling confidence is by saying, ‘Don’t worry. I’m not as smart as George W. Bush.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Michele Bachmann wished Elvis Presley a happy birthday even though it’s actually the anniversary of his death. When told about the mistake, Bachmann said, ‘My apologies to Elvis, and the entire Costello family.’” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is riding around the Midwest in a bus, because nothing inspires confidence in the American economy like a President riding around in a bus. The President should be on a jet-ski with a machine gun.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama’s new slogan is: ‘I Thought We Could, but It Turns Out the Other Guys Are Assholes.’” –Jon Stewart

“Tim Pawlenty announced that he’s dropping out of the race for president. Pawlenty said he wants to spend more time with his family because even they don’t know who he is.” –Conan O’Brien

“Canada imposed a ban on trade with North Korea. No more hockey highlight DVDs for Kim Jong Il.” –Conan O’Brien

“The NYPD created a new unit that will use social media sites to catch criminals. Criminal caught on Facebook and Twitter will be arrested, while criminals caught on MySpace will be told about Facebook.” –Conan O’Brien

“Republican Congressman Phil Hinkle, who voted to ban gay marriage, was caught propositioning a male prostitute. Hinkle said, ‘Well, I wasn’t going to marry him.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race for president, saying he wants to spend more time lacking charisma with his family.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Only 39 percent of Americans approve of the job President Obama is doing. Ratings are at an all-time low, but ratings for ‘Jersey Shore’ are at an all-time high.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“If I were president, I would just pass a law against opinion polls. Hit them at the source.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Now that Pawlenty is out, the big question is whether Bachmann or Perry will get his supporter.” –Stephen Colbert

“In Iowa in her tent Michele Bachmann had Randy Travis and a petting zoo. Of course you were only allowed to pet animals of the opposite sex.” –Stephen Colbert

“If all of Jon Huntsman’s supporters met at the Ames, Iowa Quiznos, the fire marshal would say, ‘yeah, that’s fine, here are some more seats.’” –Jon Stewart

“How did libertarian Ron Paul become the 13th floor in a hotel?” –Jon Stewart on the media ignoring Paul’s second plash finish in the Iowa Straw Poll

President Obama is on a bus tour talking about jobs, and it was reported that his bus was made in Canada. That’s so unpatriotic. If he was a real American, that bus would be made in China. –Conan O’Brien

Obama said the housing market may not pick up again for another year or longer. On the bright side, President Obama now has nine people interested in his house. –Conan O’Brien

Michele Bachmann said that when she is president, gas prices will come down to less than $2 a gallon. When asked how she’ll make that happen, she said she’ll hunt down the CEO of Exxon and stare at him. –Conan O’Brien

Ford engineers are working on technology to let your car communicate with the cars around you. The new technology is called “a horn.” –Conan O’Brien

A new survey has Rick Perry ahead of Mitt Romney by 11 points, and Michele Bachmann is five points behind him. I think it’s going to come down to who wears the most flag pins. - Jimmy Kimmel

Perry was a Democrat at one time, but only once, when he was experimenting in college. – Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump may be running for president, and why not? He’s got that everyman quality that we can all relate to. – Jimmy Kimmel

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“Arnold Schwarzenegger was seen wearing a t-shirt that said, ‘I Survived Maria.’ Maria Shriver was seen wearing a shirt that said, ‘I Survived ‘Twins.’ ‘End of Days’ and ‘Jingle All the Way.’” –Conan O’Brien

“After Monday’s 600-point drop, the stock market fell and got back up again six times the next day. The stock market is acting like me after two appletinis.” –Conan O’Brien

“Scientists have discovered that Texas and Antarctica were once linked. They say their first clue was when they were shot at by penguins.” –Conan O’Brien

“A new study shows that Americans with Type 2 diabetes can completely reverse the disease by eating healthy foods. In other words, no cure for Type 2 diabetes.” –Conan O’Brien

“The United States has been downgraded, and this is how bad it is: Even Greece won’t talk to us.” –Jay Leno

“Great day today! Obama didn’t speak. Congress didn’t act. Experts on vacation. And the Dow soared 400 points. There’s a lesson in there.” –Jay Leno

“A 61-year-old woman ended her attempt to swim from Havana to Florida. She stopped when she realized how bad the American economy was, and started swimming in the other direction. –Jay Leno

“Our national credit rating was downgraded and it caused a nosedive on Wall Street. If I had any understanding of any of this, I’d be very nervous right now, but fortunately I don’t.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Al Gore got so angry during a speech about global warming that he almost woke up some of the people in the audience.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump told CNN he may consider getting back into the presidential race. He said he has to mull it over, comb it over, and he’ll go from there.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“There have been major riots in London. Apparently they realized that this is the last ‘Harry Potter’ movie.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Rush Limbaugh accused President Obama of trying to inflict as much damage as possible in four years. And then Rush Limbaugh’s chair accused him of doing the same thing.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Dow fell 634 points and went below the 11,000 mark. All I can say is: It’s a good thing all my money is tied up in Beanie Babies.” –Jimmy Fallon

“There was a small fire today at President Obama’s vacation home in Martha’s Vineyard. Or as Obama told China, ‘Darn! That’s where I was keeping the $14 trillion I was about to give back! What are the odds?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Been a tough year for the NY Yankees, lost all 4 series vs the Red Sox. So today S&P downgraded the Yankees to the Mets.” –Jimmy Fallon

“S&P makes a $2 trillion mistake. Or as it’s known in financial circles, a “Trump” –Daily Show tweet

“S&P downgraded the United States from AAA to AA+, and it gets worse. Today, Italy, England, and Greece un-friended us on Facebook.” –Jay Leno

“Standard and Poor’s has also warned there’s a 1 in 3 chance we could be downgraded again in the next three years. We could go from AA+ to F.U. That’s how bad it’s gotten.” –Jay Leno

“The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can’t hurt us again until tomorrow.” –Jay Leno

“Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced he’s not going to resign. He had suggested he might be leaving and getting a job in the private sector. But thanks to his economic policies there are no jobs in the private sector, so I guess he’s going to stay.” –Jay Leno

“I don’t know why Timothy Geithner would quit working at the Treasury. It must be an easy job now, especially since there’s no money in it.” –Jay Leno

“Only a couple of days until the big Republican Iowa Republican straw poll. Pollsters say it’s a dead heat between the guy you never heard of, the guy who used to be somebody, and the woman who has no chance of winning.” –Jay Leno

“It turns out that Texas Gov. Rick Perry got a D in Principles of Economics. So he can’t be president, but he can get a job on President Obama’s economic team.” –Jay Leno

“The United States’ credit rating was downgraded to AA+. Am I the only one who thinks that doesn’t sound so bad?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“We owe China more than a trillion dollars. Why don’t we just give them Florida?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama said that even though we’ve been downgraded, we’re still a AAA nation. Unfortunately, he meant in the minor league baseball sense.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“A new poll shows that disapproval of Congress is at an all-time high. Eighty-two percent of Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing and the other 18 percent weren’t home when the question was asked.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“We’ve always been told our kids and grandkids are going to have to pay for our reckless spending. Now WE have to pay?!” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Wall Street got so hammered today Ronnie and The Situation tried to have sex with it.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Man, America’s credit rating took a real hit this weekend. On Friday night, the U.S. actually lost its AAA status. Or as Joe Biden put it, ‘What happens if I get a flat tire?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“About 45,000 Verizon employees are on strike after failing to reach a new contract. Yeah, things are so bad, the S&P downgraded them from ‘Verizon’ to ‘AT&T.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“China has told us our days of squandering borrowed money are over. So maybe we shouldn’t tell them we just spent $76 million going to the Smurf movie.” –Conan O’Brien

“The economy’s so bad Angelina Jolie is now adopting kids from America. My Facebook friends are now eating their Farmville animals. Piers Morgan can only afford to hack into the voicemail of Ringo.” –Conan O’Brien

They say the price of gas could soon be under $3 a gallon. Do you know what that means? You can now afford to drive by the house you used to live in, go by the job you used to have, and go see the bank where you used to have money. –Jay Leno

President Obama said this week that the downgrading of our credit rating should give America “a renewed sense of urgency.” A renewed sense of urgency? The only people that don’t think it’s urgent are the congressmen that just went on a five week vacation. –Jay Leno

Did you know that China has the exact same credit rating that we do? You’d think their credit would be better, but it’s not. Look who owes them all the money. –Jay Leno

With the stock market in flux, the price of gold has shot up to almost $2,000. In other words, Flava Flav’s mouth is now a millionaire and about to retire. –Conan O’Brien

Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman announced that he received the endorsement of Jeb Bush, Jr., who is the son of the brother of the former president. Analysts say he’s sewn up the crucial “guy you didn’t know existed” vote. –Conan O’Brien

The Republican Party is making automated robocalls to voters, blaming Democrats for the credit downgrade. Yeah, I thought I got a robocall from Mitt Romney. Turns out it was actually Mitt Romney. –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

“Tomorrow President Obama will lay out his plan for bringing our troops home from Afghanistan. Ten years ago Afghanistan had a backwards, corrupt government. And now they have a democratically elected, backwards, corrupt government. So that’s progress.” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich has a new campaign slogan: ‘Now hiring!’ Sixteen of Gingrich’s top staff quit last week, and today, two of his top fundraisers quit. He’s not even president and he’s already raising the unemployment rate.” –Jay Leno

“Jon Huntsman is so little known, when he announced for the Presidency he had his name written on his hand.” –Jay Leno

“The Wall Street Journal is reporting that a Chinese billionaire investor named Wang Gongquan announced to the world that he is leaving his wife to elope with his mistress, and he did it on a Chinese blogging site like Twitter. Men are the same all over the world, aren’t they? We have Weiner, they have Wang. It’s the same thing. No matter where you go.” –Jay Leno

“Arnold Schwarzenegger is laying low in Europe. He was in his homeland of Austria, and he said he misses schnitzel. By the way, schnitzel is the name of his Austrian lovechild.” –Conan O’Brien

“The Egyptian military is asking people who they want to be the next president by using a Facebook poll. So congratulations to Egypt’s new leader, President Betty White.” –Conan O’Brien

“You all know Bristol Palin has a book. She reveals that she lost her virginity on a camping trip. Bristol said she named her son ‘Tripp’ because ‘camping’ seemed like a dumb name.” –Conan O’Brien

“To no one’s surprise, on the ‘Today Show’ this morning, John McCain said he will not be running in 2012, or walking for that matter. He’s just going to get one of those Rascal scooters and drive around.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Yesterday President Obama urged more foreign countries to start investing in the U.S. economy. The president of Mexico was like, ‘The people of Mexico are with you. Literally, they’re already there with you.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“A spokesman for Texas Gov. Rick Perry says there’s a 50/50 chance he’ll run for president. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin says there’s an 80/50 chance she’ll run for president.” –Conan O’Brien

“NBC has apologized for editing out the words ‘under God’ from its coverage of the U.S. Open. They’re also apologizing for Brian Williams signing off with ‘Hail Satan.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Bristol Palin’s new book says she lost her virginity on a night when she had too many wine coolers. It’s in the chapter “Things I Have in Common with Conan O’Brien.’” –Conan O’Brien

“After John Edwards, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and father-to-be Anthony Weiner, who would have thought Charlie Sheen would be dad of the year?” –Jay Leno

“President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner played golf this weekend. Obama’s handicap is Joe Biden.” –Jay Leno

“The team of Obama and Boehner beat the team of Vice President Joe Biden and Ohio Gov. John Kasich. When they tallied up the score, they were 14 trillion over par.” –Jay Leno

“A new study has found that the majority of wealthy people in China want to move to other countries and the government is trying to find ways to keep them. If only they could build a big wall.” –Jay Leno

“Arnold Schwarzenegger’s favorite game on Father’s Day? Old Maid.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama and John Boehner played golf against Joe Biden on Saturday and they won $2. Just 7 trillion more rounds like this and we’ll pay off that deficit in no time.” –Jimmy Fallon

Did you see that video where a crying baby is handed to Obama and as soon as the president holds the baby in his arms it stops crying? Do you know how rare that is these days that a politician is handed a baby from a crowd and it’s not his? –Jay Leno

President Obama announced this week that he is going to start sending out his own messages personally on Twitter. And today Anthony Weiner said, “It’s a trap, don’t do it!” But President Obama’s tweets are a little different than Anthony Weiner’s. When Obama sends out pictures of something obscene, it’s the unemployment numbers. –Jay Leno

It has now been revealed that Newt Gingrich had a second line of credit at Tiffany’s for up to a million dollars. That sounds like a lot until you remember that Congress has a line of credit with China for up to $14.3 trillion. –Jay Leno

According to new polls, 66 percent of Americans believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news is, gas is so expensive and traffic is so bad that we won’t get there for a long time. –Jay Leno

Just days after calling off her wedding to Hugh Hefner, Playboy Playmate Crystal Harris has returned the couple’s dog to Hefner. Sources say he is a slightly mangy fellow who pees himself a lot, but he’s very glad to get his dog back. –Conan O’Brien

Here’s fascinating cultural, sociological news: New York City is very close to legalizing same-sex marriage. But until it becomes official, the only place in New York City where gay couples can actually marry is backstage at the Tony Awards. –David Letterman

Cindy Lauper turned 58 years old today. You can tell she’s getting up there — her new song is called “Girls Just Wanna Have a Quiet Evening at Home Watching Lifetime.” –Jimmy Fallon

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“Photos of Congressman Weiner have surfaced of him cross-dressing in college, in bra and pantyhose, proving that even back then he knew he wanted to be a Congressman.” –Jay Leno

“According to a new report, only 12 percent of American high school students can pass a basic history test. That’s the lowest percentage since our country was founded in 1922.” –Jay Leno

“Congressman Weiner’s wife returned today from her diplomatic trip to Ethiopia. She said she got really tired of Ethiopians telling her, ‘I feel so sorry for you.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Anthony Weiner has asked that everyone respect his privacy. I guess that wasn’t his concern when he was texting pictures of himself.” –David Letterman

“A new survey found that 87 percent of high school seniors are less than proficient in U.S. history. Not me. In fact, when I was a senior, I did a 10-page paper on my favorite president, George Jefferson.” –Jimmy Fallon

“It turns out that 70 percent of guns found in Mexico actually come from the U.S. Meanwhile, 70 percent of people found in the U.S. actually come from Mexico.” –Jimmy Fallon

“One more vote is needed in the N.Y. State Senate to legalize gay marriage. That one vote could be the Republican Senator from Staten Island. If he’s willing to be known for the rest of his career as the Staten Island Fairy.” –Jon Stewart

“President Obama said he’d be OK being a one-term President. And with that he shoved an iPhone down his pants and pressed ’send.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Arnold Schwarzenegger’s housekeeper says Maria Shriver became suspicious after noticing similarities between Arnold and her 13-year-old son. For instance, after serving as class president, he left the sixth grade with a $42 billion deficit.” –Conan O’Brien

“During the GOP debate, Herman Cain was asked if he likes deep dish or thin crust pizza. Then Newt Gingrich interrupted and said, ‘Wait, there’s pizza?’” –Conan O’Brien

“Anthony Weiner asked Bill Clinton for advice, and actually followed it for awhile. Of course eventually he was forced to tell the truth.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama said regarding the economy, ‘The sky is not falling.’ The poll numbers are falling, the market is falling, support for the war in Libya is falling, Anthony Weiner’s pants are falling, but the sky is fine.” –Jay Leno

“According to the latest survey on the economy, 48 percent of the people surveyed think we’ll have a great depression. The other 52 percent think it will just be a pretty good depression.” –Jay Leno
“One of bin Laden’s wives said he was a sex machine. In fact, he was the only man who could find her jihad spot.” –Jay Leno

“When asked about the Congressman Weiner scandal, President Obama said that if it were him, he’d resign. When Bill Clinton was asked about the same thing he said, ‘If it was me, I wouldn’t be surprised.’” –David Letterman

“The New York Daily News is reporting that Anthony Weiner’s car isn’t registered at the DMV. Oh man — he must be so embarrassed right now.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Congressman Anthony Weiner has just checked himself into a treatment centre for people battling chronic sexual dysfunction. Checked in? He’s already there, it’s called Congress.” –Jay Leno

“Congressman Anthony Weiner has announced that he’s not resigning in the wake of the scandal. One thing we know about Weiner is that he knows how to stand firm.” –Jay Leno

“According to the Wall Street Journal, economic experts now fear there may be a second recession. A second recession? When did the first one end?” –Jay Leno

“The economy is so bad that bedbugs are now infesting sleeping bags and tents, because they can’t afford to stay in hotels anymore.” –Jay Leno

“NASA is planning to send the first iPhones into space next month. Yeah, scientists say that if they can figure out a way to make iPhones work in outer space, they could eventually get them to work here in midtown Manhattan.” –Jimmy Fallon

“According to reports, Osama bin Laden’s bedroom had the only air conditioner in his compound. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m starting to think that he was kind of a jerk.” –Jimmy Fallon

“I think Congressman Weiner should resign. Not for any political reasons, but just because I would like to see him become the next ‘Bachelor.’” –Jimmy Kimmel

“”According to recently released emails, Sarah Palin relied on her husband, Todd, quite frequently for policy advice. You know what they say: Behind every great woman, there’s a snowmobile racer.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Sasha Obama turned 10 years old yesterday. It was so cute when her mom Michelle had her blow out the candles on her birthday lettuce.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“For the sixth time in a year, an air traffic controller was found asleep in the Reno Nevada airport. I have a good way to keep them awake. Make them sit in the same cramped plane chairs that we have to sit in.” –Craig Ferguson

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”When Vice President Joe Biden heard that President Obama won the Nobel Prize, he was speechless. So, it’s already doing some good.” —Jay Leno

”Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That’s not the general’s job. That is my job.” —Jay Leno

”In Austin, Texas, President Obama told an audience, ‘If you want to go forward you put your car in ‘D.’ If you want to go backward, you put your car in ‘R.” But you know something? Either way, the economy is still F’d.” —Jay Leno

”A new poll shows that Tiger Woods’ popularity has dropped from 85 percent to 33 percent. President Obama’s popularity is also at 33 percent, but Tiger had more fun getting there.” —Conan O’Brien

”Democrats are calling Christine O’Donnell ‘the Sarah Palin of the East.’ Really? She’s a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That’s not Sarah Palin, that’s Joe Biden.” —Craig Ferguson

”A new study shows that the phrase most often used by President Obama is, ‘Let me be clear.’ The phrase he uses the least often? ‘Let me be specific.”’ —Jay Leno

”President Obama just held his first monthly bipartisan meeting and said that working together on jobs would be a good place to start. You know where else would have been a good place to start? A year ago.” —Jimmy Fallon

”There are rumors that there is a John Edwards sex tape. People say it’s twenty minutes of Edwards caressing and stroking…And that’s just the part where he fixes his hair.” —Craig Ferguson

”Yesterday, the country of Kosovo unveiled an 11-foot tall statue of former President Clinton. Yeah. That’s right. The Clinton statue is so life-like, it’s already been slapped 12 times.” —Conan O’Brien

”A new report just came out that says President Obama has mentioned Jesus Christ in more speeches than President Bush did. Can you believe that? Still, neither has used the phrase ‘Oh God, oh God,’ more than President Clinton.” —Conan O’Brien

”Yesterday, President Obama prank-called a Washington radio station, calling himself ‘Barry from D.C.’ Then, just to mess with him, Obama called Glenn Beck’s radio show as ‘B. Hussein from Kenya.”’ —Conan O’Brien

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Here are the very best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, Craig Ferguson and Stephen Colbert:

“The President and First Lady attended a parent-teacher conference, and when they left, President Obama didn’t look very happy. Apparently Joe Biden’s being held back a grade.” –Craig Ferguson

“In some countries Women’s Day is a national holiday and men give women flowers. In America Women’s Day falls on another holiday, Mardi Gras, where men give women beads in the respectful and post-feminist desire to see their naked boobies.” –Craig Ferguson

“In New Orleans tonight the streets are awash in necklaces. If only you could have waited a few weeks, Lindsay Lohan.” –Craig Ferguson

“I’m upset that friend of the show Mike Huckabee criticized Natalie Portman for having a child out of wedlock. Listen, I’m no fan of unwed mothers either, but this is Natalie Portman we’re talking about. That unborn child is Luke Skywalker.” –Conan O’Brien

“This is the last voyage of the Space Shuttle, and President Obama called them in space today: ‘You’re not going to believe what’s happening with Charlie Sheen down here.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered a role in a sequel to ‘The Terminator.’ In this one he travels back in time and kills the person who suggested he run for Governor.” –Conan O’Brien

“Today residents of L.A. are voting on a tax on anything sold in a medical marijuana dispensary. If the measure passes the city could be solvent within 45 minutes.” –Conan O’Brien

“Charlie Sheen says he’s going to go to Haiti: ‘I want to show them what a real disaster looks like.’” –Conan O’Brien

“A flight attendant was fired from Virgin Airlines for placing a baby in an overhead compartment. To be fair, the baby did not fit under the seat.” –Conan O’Brien

“Welcome back to the part of the program I’m legally obligated to devote to Charlie Sheen, our new National Pastime.” –Stephen Colbert

“Airlines are considering charging for reclining seats. Also, your scrotum now counts as a carry-on bag.” –Stephen Colbert

“Wisconsin Republicans are accusing the missing Democrats of secretly sneaking back into the state to visit their wives. A politician sneaking into his own house to have sex with his own wife.” –Jay Leno

“Mexican President Calderon told President Obama that the United States must do more to reduce the demand for drugs. Obama said, ‘We got Charlie Sheen off cocaine. What more do you want us to do?’” –Jay Leno

“Texas Gov. Rick Perry referred to the Mexican city of Juarez as the most dangerous city in America. In his defense, he probably just thought it was an American city because there were so many Mexicans there.” –Jay Leno

“The Mexican president was in town and said he wants more American tourists to visit his country. Which explains their new tourism slogan: ‘Mexico. Come to us or we’ll come to you.’” –Jimmy Fallon

Charlie Sheen called his former co-star Jon Cryer a turncoat, a traitor, and a troll. He then turned to a different page in his dictionary and called him a ukulele, an umbrella, and a unicorn. –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump denies that he’s pretending to run for president to gain publicity for his TV show. He says that anyone that says is this is clearly an “apprentice,” and they deserve to be fired on Thursday at 9:00. –Conan O’Brien

In China, an annual St. Patrick’s Day parade has been canceled. Now the only question is, who’s going to break the news to Ming O’Sullivan? –Conan O’Brien

George Clooney said he could never be President because he’d slept with too many women and done too many drugs. Those are the requirements for running for Congress. – Jay Leno

Here are the very best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman and Jimmy Fallon:

“A federal watchdog agency says that overlapping and duplicate programs waste billions of dollars each year. Congress is taking this study so seriously that they’re ordering a second study to look into it.” –Jay Leno

“The Middle East has their own Charlie Sheen right now: Moammar Gadhafi.” –Conan O’Brien

“They’re saying Gadhafi is ‘disconnected from reality.’ According to the State Department, Gadhafi thought this year’s Oscars were fantastic.” –Conan O’Brien

“New Hampshire is debating a bill to classify some airport screenings as sexual assault. California is debating a bill that would classify those same screenings as ‘doing what you need to do to get the part.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Moammar Gadhafi is starting to sound a little crazy. Al-Jazeera canceled his show, ‘Two and a Half Shiites.’” –David Letterman

“Gadhafi said his people ‘love him.’ I think that’s what he said. It was hard to hear over the rebel gunfire.” –David Letterman

“On a rambling call to a TV station, Gadhafi ranted about his enemies and blamed others for his problems. He said he feels fine and is ready to go back to work. He’s now the Charlie Sheen of Libya.” –Jay Leno

“The latest rumor is that Moammar Gadhafi is calling other countries to find a place to live in exile. So far, only Chile has offered to rent out an empty mine.” –Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin is going to India to make a speech. She’s hoping to visit some of those Indian casinos she’s heard so much about.” –Jay Leno

“People complained that the Oscars were too dull. They’ve already named the hosts for next year: Charlie Sheen and Moammar Gadhafi.” –Conan O’Brien
“Moammar Gadhafi is blaming Osama bin Laden for all of Libya’s troubles. It’s going to be awkward when these two guys meet in hell.” –Conan O’Brien

“People from all 50 states and 14 foreign countries have donated pizzas to the protesters in Wisconsin. Someone asked, “How can we fix things in Wisconsin?” and someone else said, “I know. More cheese.” –Conan O’Brien

CBS has shut down Charlie Sheen’s show, ‘Two and a Half Men.’ Now I’m back to being CBS’ No. 1 paid embarrassment.” –David Letterman

Charlie Sheen is on every show, except the one he should be on: “Celebrity Rehab.” –Jay Leno

Between Charlie Sheen, Christina Aguilera, and Lindsay Lohan, it’s been a rough time for stars. Who knew Britney Spears would be the role model? –Jay Leno

The man who shot Robert Kennedy, Sirhan Sirhan, said he should be released from jail because he can’t remember committing the crime. Then Lindsay Lohan said, “What necklace?” –Jay Leno

Officials in Shanghai, China, have begun enforcing a one-dog policy. Each person can only have one dog. But if you’re still hungry, you can have cake and whatever else. –Jay Leno

Moammar Gadhafi gave a rambling speech that lasted nearly three hours. So now we know where all of Charlie Sheen’s cocaine went. –Conan O’Brien

Oprah has been invited by Egypt’s new government to do a show from Cairo. So they’ve replaced one power-mad tyrant who’s been ruling for 30 years with another one. –Conan O’Brien

The Senate has sent President Obama a spending bill that gives the government enough money to keep going for two weeks. Our Congress has the financial planning skills of a college sophomore. –Conan O’Brien

Charlie Sheen told E! News that he plans to release his own fragrance. It combines the delightful aromas of sweat, cigarettes, and denial. –Jimmy Fallon