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Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians for this week. It is mostly Jay Leno since most of the others were off this week.

“Tomorrow night, President Obama  will give his State of the Union address. The White House says the speech will focus on American jobs. So, I guess he’s going to talk a lot about India.” –Jay Leno

“Focus on jobs. This is going to be the shortest speech in history. ‘Hey, there aren’t any. Thank you. Good night.’” –Jay Leno

“President Obama has now been called for jury duty in Chicago. I think he should go. I mean, the economy is in bad shape. We could use five bucks a day. Every little bit helps.” –Jay Leno

“Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that California can save money by no longer incarcerating illegal immigrants and just sending them to Mexico instead. Well, actually, today, the immigrants had three words for Schwarzenegger — ‘I’ll be back.’” –Jay Leno

“More problems for Goldman Sachs. Did you know the tax rate it paid on its profits last year was 0.6 percent? And of course, the CEO of Goldman Sachs was furious when he heard this. He said: ‘What? When did we start paying taxes? This is ridiculous.’” –Jay Leno

“Wal-Mart announced it’s cutting over 11,000 jobs. Wal-Mart said it’s cheaper to fire people in bulk.” –Jay Leno

“That’s an amazing amount of people: 11,000 jobs. The problem is they made the announcement in English, so everybody kept showing up for work.” –Jay Leno

“Well, tonight in Washington, President Barack Obama gave his State of the Union Address before a joint session of Congress. Joint session sounds like more fun than it is.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“John McCain’s wife and her daughter, Meghan, have posed for pictures endorsing gay marriage here in California, although Senator McCain — well, he’s still very traditional. He believes marriage should be between an older man and a really hot-looking younger woman.” –Jay Leno

“Actually, I saw John McCain today. He and John Edwards were at the same store. They were both buying diapers, but for different reasons.” –Jay Leno

“As I’m sure you know, John Edwards has finally admitted he’s the father of Rielle Hunter’s baby. There’s a shock. Who saw that coming? Given how long it took him to admit it, the kid is now old enough not to vote for him.” –Jay Leno

“Actually, John Edwards said today he’s going to help raise the little girl. He said he’s looking forward to teaching his daughter everything he knows about hair care products.” –Jay Leno

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Here are the best jokes for this week from the late night comedians.

“On Fox News, Ann Coulter said she’s against body scans at the airport because terrorists will still be able to hide explosives in their anus. So finally Ann Coulter is speaking on a topic she knows something about.” –Jay Leno

“Today, Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He’s retiring.” –Jay Leno

“After 30 years, embattled Senator Chris Dodd announced he would not seek re-election. He said he may go to work for the banking industry. Have you seen his voting record? I think he already works for the banking industry.” –Jay Leno

“Today, President Obama honored more than 80 teachers for excellence in math and science. Then he begged them to leave China and come teach here in the United States.” –Conan O’Brien

“I was reading a book about Osama bin Laden, and it was written by his son, and according to the son, in the book about his father, the kid claims Osama bin Laden was a cruel parent. Gosh, you think you know somebody. But the book is written by bin Laden’s dumb son, Osama W. bin Laden.” –David Letterman

“The weather here in California is very nice. But it’s freezing all across the United States. In fact, in D.C., the weather is so bad — this is true — they actually hired convicted criminals to shovel snow at the U.S. Capitol. Isn’t that amazing? So it’s nice to see members of Congress doing something useful for a change.” –Jay Leno

“The government investigated yet another terrorist threat today. Luckily it was just McDonald’s announcing they’re bringing back the McRib sandwich.” –Jay Leno

“A new poll asked Americans who their ideal next-door neighbor would be. The No. 1 answer was the Obama family, mainly because the Obamas are the kind of neighbors who would lend you a cup of sugar or a trillion dollars.” –Conan O’Brien

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians:

“And then the Iranian dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gave a hate speech and I thought to myself, where’s that ‘you lie’ guy when you need him?” –David Letterman

“Did you hear what former President Bill Clinton said? In a new book that’s coming out, former President Bill Clinton said he had an affair with Monica Lewinsky because he, quote, ‘cracked under pressure.’ When asked what he’s doing this weekend, Clinton replied, ‘Cracking under pressure.’” –Conan O’Brien

“And Libyan leader Moammar Qaddafi-duck, this moron, was at the U.N. today. He talked forever. He talked on Israel and the swine flu and the JFK assassination. Where was Kanye West to grab the microphone away?” –Jay Leno

And Libyan leader Moammar Qaddafi-duck, this moron, was at the U.N. today. He talked forever. He talked on Israel and the swine flu and the JFK assassination. Where was Kanye West to grab the microphone away?” –Jay Leno

“But tomorrow, President Obama will be the first president to chair the U.N. Security Council. That’s pretty cool. Meanwhile, Joe Biden became the first vice president to spend six hours in a Brookstone massage chair.” –Jimmy Fallon

“But tomorrow, President Obama will be the first president to chair the U.N. Security Council. That’s pretty cool. Meanwhile, Joe Biden became the first vice president to spend six hours in a Brookstone massage chair.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A pharmaceutical company is developing a microchip to be implanted in patients’ shoulders that remind them to take their medication. That’s just what crazy people on drugs need, right, a voice talking to them out of their shoulder?” –Jimmy Fallon

“Actually, you might have noticed, the fall season, begun a little different this year. Even squirrels are kind of distancing themselves from Acorn. Have you noticed that?” –Jay Leno

“Well, you know what’s interesting? Because of all these scandals, the executive director of Acorn, a woman named Bertha Lewis, said Acorn will fire any employees ‘too stupid to understand they are not reaching professional standards.’ Why can’t we get this rule for Congress?” –Jay Leno

“Did you see President Obama on ‘Letterman’ last night? It was very funny. I especially liked the segment, ‘Stupid Biden Tricks.’” –Craig Ferguson

“Did you see President Obama on ‘Letterman’ last night? It was very funny. I especially liked the segment, ‘Stupid Biden Tricks.’” –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman’s Top 10 Reasons Obama Agreed to Appear on the ‘Late Show’

10. Heard the lady with the heart-shaped potato was gonna be here.
9. Thought it would be fun to watch someone else get heckled.
8. Something to do with that whole Cash For Clunkers deal.
7. Every president since Teddy Roosevelt has done it.
6. Someone offers you 600 bucks, you take it ladies and gentlemen.
5. We told him Megan Fox would be here.
4. Needed some time to hang out before check-in time at his hotel.
3. I have no idea.
2. Said yes, without thinking, like Bush did with Iraq.
1. Wanted to congratulate Dave on the big Emmy win.

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Here are some of the best of the jokes from the late night comedians this week.

“Well, here’s a story that won’t go away. Congressman Joe Wilson has refused Democrats’ demand to apologize to Congress on the House floor, to which Kanye West  said, ‘I’ll do it. That’s okay, I’ll do it.” –Jay Leno

“Wait, have you heard about this? Oh, I love this. They have new House rules saying members of Congress cannot call the President a liar. They cannot call him a hypocrite. They cannot say he is dishonest. Today, President Bush  said, ‘Hey, where were these rules when I was President?’” –Jay Leno

“Hey, if they start banning hypocrites and liars from the floor of Congress, there won’t be anybody in the building.” –Jay Leno

“Of course, you know President Obama  yesterday created quite a stir, because he apparently called Kanye West a jackass. Yeah, well, some people are now upset with President Obama for calling Kanye a jackass. They’re upset about it. Yeah, and Joe Biden is furious, because ‘Jackass’ is his Secret Service code name.’” –Conan O’Brien

“In Connecticut — this is weird — one of the Republican candidates running for Congress is the former CEO of the W.W.E. wrestling organization, which could be good. Congressmen will be less likely to scream out, ‘You lie!’ if they could get hit with a folding chair.” –Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, former President Jimmy Carter said that Congressman Joe Wilson’s outburst during President Obama’s speech last week was based on racism. When Joe Wilson heard that, he said, ‘I can’t get mad at Jimmy Carter. He’s white.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Joe Wilson is now the only United States congressman to be formally rebuked for speaking out while the President was giving an address. That could explain his Secret Service codename, ‘Kanye.’” –Jimmy Fallon

‘Yesterday, Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke said it is ‘very likely’ that the recession is over. I hope this isn’t like when President Bush told us the war in Iraq was over.’ –Jimmy Kimmel

“They always do this when there’s a holiday, whenever people want something. The latest rumor is there may be a pumpkin shortage this year. They say a chilly, damp summer in the Midwest and Northeast has hurt the pumpkin crop. They say large pumpkins are going to be hard to find. Isn’t that unbelievable? I mean, our pumpkins are getting smaller and thinner, and our trick-or-treaters are getting bigger and fatter.” –Jay Leno

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 In honor of President Obama’s speech to students I thought it was appropriate to run some Obama jokes from the late night comedians.

“Today marks 100 days of President Obama being in office, which is a big deal because 100 days is when his warranty runs out. We couldn’t return him now even if we wanted to.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley — all dependents.” –Jay Leno

“As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing.” –Jay Leno

“Big day in Detroit. You may have heard about this. The Obama Administration asked General Motors C.E.O. Rick Wagoner to step down, and he agreed, which is good news for Obama. You know, the last time he tried to get someone to quit, it took months. And even then, he had to promise her a job as Secretary of State.” –Jay Leno

“Today, President Obama announced he is using his own money to redecorate the White House. Meanwhile, he is using taxpayers’ money to redecorate the houses of A.I.G. executives.” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He’s concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that’s just in his administration.” –Jay Leno

“It’s a great day for our president, Barack Obama, who got to meet the Queen of England today. She very regally gave him a photograph of her, and he gave her an iPod! That’s quite an unusual gift from the President. Usually he gives out about $150 million.” –Craig Ferguson

“Many people are complaining, though, that Obama is becoming too scripted. Last night, he was having an intimate moment with Michelle, and she said, ‘Wait, are you reading the teleprompter?’” –Jimmy Fallon

We all know that Ted Kennedy was known as the “Lion of the Senate” but here we have what some of the late-night comedians have had to say over the years about his other “legacy”:

“Declassified papers report that John Kennedy was taking eight different medications a day. He was so wasted, his Secret Service code name was Ted Kennedy.” —Craig Kilborn

“Ted Kennedy called for Rumsfeld’s resignation. This is interesting. This marks the first time Kennedy has ever come out against anything with rum in it.” –Conan O’Brien

“During Judge Alito’s hearings, Senator Ted Kennedy accidentally referred to Sam Alito as Ali-oto. Kennedy said ‘Forgive me, I’m sober.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I’m wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?” —David Letterman

“It was a long, dull speech. Halfway through, Ted Kennedy sent drinks over to the Bush twins.” –David Letterman, on Bush’s State of the Union Address

“With rumors swirling of him possibly running for office, George Clooney said the only thing he plans to run for has two legs and a skirt. To which Ted Kennedy said, ‘You can do both.’” –Jay Leno

“What a nightmare I had last night. I dreamed I was at a Washington party and I had to choose between Dick Cheney taking me on a hunting trip or Ted Kennedy driving me home.” –Jay Leno

“Congressman Patrick Kennedy crashed his car into a barricade on Capitol Hill at 3 o’clock in the morning yesterday. The head of his office said there was no alcohol involved. That’s why it’s a big story, a Kennedy, a car accident and no alcohol? That’s never happened before.” –Jay Leno

“Sen. Ted Kennedy is writing a children’s book with his dog, from the dog’s point of view. Sen. Ted Kennedy has a dog named Splash. Is that the best name for Ted Kennedy’s dog? Isn’t that like that Jack Abramoff guy naming his dog Bribe?” –Jay Leno

“Ted Kennedy was stopped from going on an airline because his name somehow wound up on the no-fly list. Is this really safe for people? Ted Kennedy driving?” –Craig Kilborn

And one more thing, a quote that was probably never heard before outside of the Kennedy compound. “Geez, it’s not my fault she didn’t know how to swim.”