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Here are some jokes by stand up comedian, Lynne Koplitz, who has appeared on Comedy Central:

I’ve been really cranky ’cause I’m on a diet. Here’s the thing: I’m OK with my weight like this, but I want to do television, which means I need to be a weight that’s not achievable.

My roommate actually asked me for four grapes once. She counted grapes. What kind of mental patient counts grapes? Do you know anyone who does that? That’s the weirdest thing. I was like, ‘Four grapes…’ To me grapes aren’t even a food. They’re like a palate cleanser. That’s what I eat to get the Big Mac taste out of my mouth.

Homeless guy asks for a dollar, and I said no because I was in a hurry or something, and as I was walking away, he was like, ‘You’ve got a fat ass, bitch!’ ‘Really? I’m taking my fat ass home. And I’m gonna eat when I get there.’

I dated a younger guy.  They expect you to be knowledgeable, don’t they, in the bedroom? I dated a guy — I’m not making this up — he literally said to me once, ‘Teach me something.’ I know a little Spanish: ‘El butt-o no entrado.’

You know what I like about dating younger guys? They follow rules really well. Like you can tell a younger guy, ‘Look, sex with me is like taking the SATs: just show up on time, do the best you can, and when I say stop, put your little pencil down.

Things change when you’re in your 30s. First of all, we hesitate when someone asks our age. ‘How old are you?’ You’re like, ‘How old am I? How’s the lighting? 28. Oh, you have cataracts? 25.’

Sometimes, I’ll do it doggy style because you can watch television. It’s a very underrated position because it frees you up to multitask. Let’s face it, the laundry isn’t going to fold itself, people.

You ever fall asleep performing oral sex? What’s so funny? I’ve done it. It’s not that bad. Waking up is horrible.

He was like, ‘Could you be enthusiastic, please?’ Not for nothing, but I’ve been with him for five years. His penis is in syndication at this point. You want enthusiasm? Make it do something I’ve never seen it do before, like the dishes. Oh, I would be so enthusiastic. I’d be like, ‘Go, penie! Go, penie! Go, penie!’

I think that genitalia is proof that the universe loves women more than men, and I’ll tell you why: ’cause if you look at our stuff — I mean, it’s all kind of gross — but at least with women, it’s all organized. It’s like God made a little package; it’s all tucked in with hospital corners and stuff. And with men, it’s like God started to make a bow, and the phone rang.

People start telling me I resemble Cindy Crawford. It’s not a compliment, because if I do look like her, it means I just kind of resemble her, which means I’m the Cindy Crawford you can get. I’m like the knockoff, Target version of Cindy, like that imposter’s cologne — like, ‘If you like Poison, you’ll love Arsenic.’

I grabbed a pair of pantyhose the other day — ladies, you can relate — something happened, and I had no crotch expansion all day. The women are giggling. Look at the men. It’s a sea of faces looking at me, like ‘Crotch: sounds good. Expansion: I’m interested. I don’t know what she’s talking about, but I’m alert.’

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Here are some jokes by stand up comedian, Paul Mercurio, who has performed frequently on Comedy Central:

The salesman is using sex to sell me a CD player, giving me pressure about my love life. ‘Mr. Mercurio, it’s a five CD player carousel model. You load all five of your CDs into this baby — you’re with your woman, you’re gonna make love — you press “Play,” you can go all night.’ And I’m like, ‘You know, Mr. Salesman, I’m not really a five CD man. You got something that plays 45s? Give me two minutes — I’ll give you the world.’

I was a lawyer, a comic, a furniture salesman, then a comic. Here’s a tip for you kids out there: try not to get high on career day.

They have security in these stores. There’s a man standing at the door. Do you understand what that means? Somebody made a life decision out there that they’re willing to risk going to jail to steal something from a bargain basement clothing store. ‘Hey pal, what are you in for?’ ‘These sequined culottes.’

I reached into this pocket and found a $10 bill. You know that feeling, that moment in time? You get so excited about $10 bucks. That’s when you know you’re poor.

I’m shopping at these bargain basement clothing stores. Can you do me a favor and sign a petition? I want to change the name of all these places to Crap That Was Ugly at Full Price and Is Still Ugly at Half Price.

I think they should have mirrors in the wild, because if some of these wild animals saw themselves, they wouldn’t be so cocky. Think about it — how you look affects how you feel. Why wouldn’t that be true for the wild animal kingdom? Like the panda bear — that’s a wild animal — in his head, he’s a bad-ass bear, but if he saw himself in a full-length mirror, he wouldn’t be so cocky. He’d be like, ‘I’m adorable.’

Have you ever been so tired, you look at a homeless guy asleep on the street and go, ‘Boy, I wish I could sleep like that. I don’t need a box spring. I need a box’?

The first thing that strikes you when you go home and you’ve been away for a while is you’ve become a different person from your family: not better, not worse, just different. I grew up in a very Italian family, and I felt out of place. I didn’t feel like I fit in anymore. I felt like a square peg in a mental institution.

North Korea has the bomb. Don’t worry about it, folks — they’re Korea. Can we be honest with each other? Have you ever owned anything made in Korea that’s worked?

Who cares if North Korea has the bomb? Everybody’s got the bomb now: India, Pakistan — I have the bomb. I got it last week at L.L. Bean, in sandstone. I got the bomb, and I got a free backpack with the bomb. And the backpack comes with a free water bottle, so I can hydrate myself as I’m being melted by the nuclear fire ball.

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Here are some jokes from comedian and actor, Damon Wayans:

I realize what I need to do is start being more aggressive ’cause I don’t want to be one of these celebrities that just becomes a recluse. That’s when you start hanging out with monkeys and stuff.

I got pulled over by a bicycle cop in L.A. — not a motorcycle cop, a bicycle cop. And I’m in my car, and he gets out — he’s sweating, he’s got these little shorts on. ‘You know how fast you were going?’ ‘Yeah, a lot faster than that bike.’

(On celebrity adoptions) It’s a status symbol, you know? They want to have something nobody else got. It’s like, ‘Yeah, this is the 2005 Cambodian. They only made 7 million of these.

People ask me do I ever, like, go back to the ‘hood? Do I ever go back? And it’s like — no, I don’t go back because they won’t be happy to see me. They’ll rob me. They’ll be like, ‘Yo, run that money. We know you got money, run your pockets. Yeah, tell your brother Marlon to come through, let me rob him, too!’

(On suicide bombers) I just don’t understand how they get the people to blow themselves up. That’s a tough sell. They say, what — 15 virgins, or something like that, when you get to heaven? That don’t work here in America. Give me one good ho here on earth.

(On fans fighting athletes) I don’t understand — what are fans doing fighting athletes? What don’t you understand about the word ‘athlete’? These are human machines. I say — fight the referee, fight the ball boy.

My brother’s trying to get me to fast. My brother said, ‘You gotta fast, like, every month so you can pure your system.’ I’m like, ‘You know what? When we was back in the projects, we fasted.’

People change in Hollywood. My brothers, now — they’re all vegetarians… They say, ‘Hey man, you shouldn’t eat hot sauce. It’s got sodium in it.’ I’m like, ‘When’d you start reading hot sauce?’

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Here are some jokes by stand up comedian Cory Kahaney.  She is a frequent performer on Comedy Central:

I married a lawyer, which I know sounds very impressive. Every girl dreams, when they grow up, they’re gonna marry a doctor, marry a lawyer. But me, I had to marry the only lawyer in America with a conscience. I didn’t marry the cutthroat, ruthless, gimme-all-your-money lawyer. No, I married the pay-me-what-you-can-whenever-you-can-I-just-want-to-see-justice-served lawyer. I got so ripped off, ladies and gentlemen. Do you know what it’s like? It’s like I finally banged a rock star, but he’s with a Christian band.

This is my second marriage, and I have a kid from my first marriage ’cause I like souvenirs.

I have a gay sister, which has been great for me ’cause my parents have now forgiven me everything. At this point, if I brought home a dwarf with a mohawk, six tattoos and a nose ring, as long as he has a penis, he can stay for dinner.

Why do we need 24 handicapped parking spaces at Home Depot? Could we just talk about this? If a guy can spackle his bathroom, lay pipe and put up gutters, don’t you think you can walk the extra 30 feet to the parking lot?

In some ways, all men are the same. For example, why do you all like to have sex first thing in the morning? Do we smell good first thing in the morning? ‘Cause you don’t.

I don’t really think anybody gets off properly in 69. Matter of fact, I think 69 is rude. It’s rude. It’s like saying to someone, ‘Listen, we’re gonna have sex, right? But we’re gonna go Dutch.’

I know where my daughter is every night. She’s with her friends. They come to my house, they go in her room, they close the door, and they light incense. I don’t know what’s going on in there — like, I think there’s a Zen Buddhist meeting in my apartment.

Halloween is pay day, folks. A lot of parents are strange; they say, ‘Ration the candy.’ I say, ‘Let them eat as much as they want — they throw up, the rest is mine.’ That’s how I handle Halloween.

I met a guy in a bar, which is generally not a good idea. That’s like going grocery shopping when you’re hungry and you bring home stuff that you don’t need.

I’m watching TV with my father late at night ’cause he doesn’t sleep. And you know that commercial for ‘Save the Children’? The one that comes on really late, where the lady goes, ‘For the price of a cup of coffee, 67 cents a day’? My father and I are both sitting there, thinking the exact same thing: ‘Where can you get coffee for 67 cents?!’

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Here are some jokes by comedian, Amy Schumer, who has been seen frequently on comedy Central and other TV shows:

I’m so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he’s always turning the lights on, you know what I’m saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he’s like, ‘Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.’ I was like, ‘Oh my god, you’re so cute. You think I don’t want you to see me?’

I’ll never forget how my best friend told us she was pregnant. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, ‘You guys, I’m keeping this one.’

I just went through a break up, actually. I’m not worried about meeting someone else or being lonely. I’m just worried about all the pictures. But my mom always told me, you know, ever since I was a little girl, ‘Never put your face in them.’

My mom’s always saying really smart things… like, you probably heard this one, ‘Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?’ Wish I’d listened to that one.

I hate false advertising, like ‘Skittles: taste the rainbow.’ No one’s ever been like, ‘Rainbow, right you guys?’ Or what’s Reese’s? ‘There’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s.’ Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear.

I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea — he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, ‘He’s probably in a band.’

There’s nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her — because the kid can tell.

Out of nowhere she tells me that Oliver Stone — you know, the director — she’s like, ‘He has this huge Asian fetish, and I find it totally offensive.’ And I’m like, ‘Why, Kwan? That sounds awesome.’ She’s like, ‘I’m offended because I’m Asian.’ And I was just like, ‘Well, I’m sorry, but I didn’t even notice that. I thought you were just really tired.’

The kids didn’t call me Amy Schumer; they called me Amy Jewmer. One summer, I’ll never forget this, all the kids took turns throwing handfuls of pennies at me. I know, I was like, ‘Excuse me — this is awesome!’

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Here are some jokes by standup comedian Mike Birbiglia:

I’ve been listening to this rapper, Busta Rhymes. Sometimes he’ll say a really good rhyme, and he’ll say his name afterwards. He’ll be like, ‘Cat in the hat, and that was that — Busta Rhymes.’ I really like that. I’d like to do that with jokes. Like, ‘I like drinking coffee, but if I ever reach a point in my life where the best part of waking up is Folgers in my cup, I’m not sure I wanna wake up — Mike Birbiglia.’

This girl offered me E at the club. She’s like, ‘You gotta do E. It helps you feel the music.’ I was like, ‘I don’t even like this music. I don’t really want to take the next step.’

Everyone tries to get you to dance at these clubs, especially women. They’re like, ‘You gotta dance. You gotta dance!’ And then I dance, and they’re like, ‘Not like that.’

I went to Dunkin’ Donuts last week, and the person waiting on me didn’t speak any English at all, like, no words. And it’s like I’m all for the melting pot theory, but if I lived in Portugal and I worked at Dunkino Donutos, I might pick up a few keywords, you know, like donutos, munchkinos, chocolatto, coverato. The customers would be like, ‘Blah, blah, blah, donutos.’ And I’d be like, ‘Right away, sir.’

My female friends complain about dating. My friend was like, ‘I went out with this guy, and he wanted to sleep with me after five dates.’ And I was like, ‘No, he wanted to sleep with you after one date. He thought he might have a chance after five. He probably wanted to sleep with you after zero dates, but he thought a trip to Applebee’s might grease the wheels a little.’

I was living with a girl for a while. We worried about different things. One day, I was like, ‘What do you fear the most?’ And she was like, ‘I fear you’ll meet someone else, and you’ll leave me, and I’ll be all alone.’ And she was like, ‘What do you fear the most?’ And I was like, ‘Bears.’

I try and go to the gym. But it seems kind of counterproductive because the idea is to impress women, but there are women at the gym and they can see me bench-pressing 65 pounds. And I don’t think they’re saying, ‘Check out the guy in the dress socks. I saw him do one chin-up and then fall on the ground.’

One of the reasons why panda bears are going extinct is because the male pandas like eating more than they like mating, which at first, I thought was strange. But then I thought, if I were a panda bear and I had to have sex with another panda bear, I wouldn’t be that excited either. I’d be like, ‘Oh great, she looks exactly like me.’

I love Valentine’s Day. When you’re a kid, everyone gets a valentine. It’s like, ‘To Tim: Nice pants! Love, Scott.’

I’m Italian… Sometimes people come up to me and they’ll be like, ‘In Italy, it’s pronounced ‘Bir-Bee-Lya.’ And I’m like, ‘In America, you’re annoying.’

I was an altar boy when I was a kid — and the answer is ‘no.’

I wanted to be a rapper — I really did — and it surprises people because I’m a white bread cracker. That’s my favorite white person slur — ‘white bread.’ The other day, someone was like, ‘What’s up, white bread?’ And I was like, ‘That’s not even an insult. That’s just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup.’

Rappers now will be like, ‘It’s 2005, motherf**ker.’ I’m like, you’re mad about the date? You’ve gotta pick your battles, man.

Technology’s moving so fast, man. It’s to the point where you can make stuff up, and people will believe you. You can be like, ‘You seen the new Sony Teleporter?’ People will be like, ‘No, but I heard about it.’ I end up saying that all the time — ‘No, but I heard about it.’ It means I haven’t heard about it, but I like you.

I’ve got an apartment, and it’s a little bigger than my body. And my friend came over to give me advice. He was like, ‘You gotta get nice little hand soap for your bathroom because women love that.’ I was like, ‘Do they also love it when your shower is one foot from your toaster? ‘Cause I got that goin’ on, too!’

I’m not good at drinking; I just become another person. Like last year, I went out drinking, and I met this girl and she gave me her number, but the next day I didn’t even want to call her. I didn’t feel like she met me, I felt like she met ‘Two-Drink Mike.’ It’s totally different. Two-Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Zero-Drink Mike enjoys biographies and has serious opinions about wildlife.

Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When it’s good, it’s good. When it’s bad, you get it on your shirt.

I stayed at a hotel last week in Washington, D.C. It was the Abraham Lincoln Suites, and they have these Abraham Lincoln quotes everywhere. And one of them was like, ‘Whatever you are, be a good one.’ I just don’t feel like he should get credit for generalities like that. Like, ‘How Are Ya?’ — Abraham Lincoln.

I walked on stage as I heard them say, ‘Please welcome Mike Bahooski!’, and I was so mad. In my head, I was like, ‘You didn’t even try! You just said “B” and then whatever you could think of, and you made me Polish. That’s a really specific choice.’

I went to the doctor the other day. They told me there was something in my bladder. Whenever they tell you that, it’s never anything good, like, ‘We found something in your bladder, and it’s season tickets to the Yankees!’

I didn’t realize how good I was with computers until I met my parents.

I found the antidote to this crazy virus online, and I was able to make it go away. But when I left the house, my parents still insisted on placing the computer in the corner of the house with the screen facing the wall, like the computer had done something wrong.

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Here are some jokes  by comedian Maria Bamford from her stand-up act:

I actually thought about getting breast implants because I’m a radical, militant feminist and a hypocrite, it turns out.

Nobody’s ever offered me money to have sex. Sure — a Bud Light and a basket of curly fries, but not cash.

I’m afraid that fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting around time.

Sometimes I worry I don’t want to get married as much as I’d like to be dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough.

I was reading in the paper that a lot of kids in the United States are suffering from depression. Younger and younger, our children are seeing the sippy-cup as half empty.

My friends from L.A. stop me and say, ‘Maria, you already do so much. You make people laugh; it’s the greatest gift in the world.’ I only do that, like, four minutes a day, if it’s going well. Maybe in the off-time, I could sponge bathe the dying or just hose things off a little bit.

My supervisor — let’s call him Greenbean — said that there were certain bigwigs who you should never put on hold, certain VIPs who you should never put on hold, and I could never remember who those people were. So, I put everyone on hold and I conferenced them, and I let them sort it out amongst themselves.

My sister’s a doctor; she’s super successful…. She’s a pathologist, though I like to introduce her as ‘This is my sister Sarah. She cuts up the dead into chunks.’

Thinking about having kids, got the names picked out. They’re gonna be Donut and The Golden Hen. I know what you’re saying, ‘How do you know they’re gonna be girls?’ But a mother knows.

My manager was saying that it might be time for me to get Botox, and I said, ‘Oh I don’t know, I’m kinda still using my face.’

I used to be afraid of relationships. Someone would ask me out and I’d say, ‘Just take my purse, don’t hurt me!’

My mom is very religious, and she said, ‘Whatever you think about all the time, that’s what you worship.’ If that’s the case, I’d like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People magazines.

I’m trying to believe in God, ’cause I know it gives you a good feeling, and I think it feels like — you know when you’re a third world shanty town at night, and you’re terrified, and you see the glowing logo of an international conglomerate in the distance? And you just feel like, ooh, it’s gonna be OK. Someone’s looking out for us.

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