Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 06-06-2012
Here are some jokes by stand up comedian, Lynne Koplitz, who has appeared on Comedy Central:
I’ve been really cranky ’cause I’m on a diet. Here’s the thing: I’m OK with my weight like this, but I want to do television, which means I need to be a weight that’s not achievable.
My roommate actually asked me for four grapes once. She counted grapes. What kind of mental patient counts grapes? Do you know anyone who does that? That’s the weirdest thing. I was like, ‘Four grapes…’ To me grapes aren’t even a food. They’re like a palate cleanser. That’s what I eat to get the Big Mac taste out of my mouth.
Homeless guy asks for a dollar, and I said no because I was in a hurry or something, and as I was walking away, he was like, ‘You’ve got a fat ass, bitch!’ ‘Really? I’m taking my fat ass home. And I’m gonna eat when I get there.’
I dated a younger guy. They expect you to be knowledgeable, don’t they, in the bedroom? I dated a guy — I’m not making this up — he literally said to me once, ‘Teach me something.’ I know a little Spanish: ‘El butt-o no entrado.’
You know what I like about dating younger guys? They follow rules really well. Like you can tell a younger guy, ‘Look, sex with me is like taking the SATs: just show up on time, do the best you can, and when I say stop, put your little pencil down.
Things change when you’re in your 30s. First of all, we hesitate when someone asks our age. ‘How old are you?’ You’re like, ‘How old am I? How’s the lighting? 28. Oh, you have cataracts? 25.’
Sometimes, I’ll do it doggy style because you can watch television. It’s a very underrated position because it frees you up to multitask. Let’s face it, the laundry isn’t going to fold itself, people.
You ever fall asleep performing oral sex? What’s so funny? I’ve done it. It’s not that bad. Waking up is horrible.
He was like, ‘Could you be enthusiastic, please?’ Not for nothing, but I’ve been with him for five years. His penis is in syndication at this point. You want enthusiasm? Make it do something I’ve never seen it do before, like the dishes. Oh, I would be so enthusiastic. I’d be like, ‘Go, penie! Go, penie! Go, penie!’
I think that genitalia is proof that the universe loves women more than men, and I’ll tell you why: ’cause if you look at our stuff — I mean, it’s all kind of gross — but at least with women, it’s all organized. It’s like God made a little package; it’s all tucked in with hospital corners and stuff. And with men, it’s like God started to make a bow, and the phone rang.
People start telling me I resemble Cindy Crawford. It’s not a compliment, because if I do look like her, it means I just kind of resemble her, which means I’m the Cindy Crawford you can get. I’m like the knockoff, Target version of Cindy, like that imposter’s cologne — like, ‘If you like Poison, you’ll love Arsenic.’
I grabbed a pair of pantyhose the other day — ladies, you can relate — something happened, and I had no crotch expansion all day. The women are giggling. Look at the men. It’s a sea of faces looking at me, like ‘Crotch: sounds good. Expansion: I’m interested. I don’t know what she’s talking about, but I’m alert.’