Jokes By Stand Up Comedian Jimmy Allen

Let’s Weigh Another Difference Between Men and Women

With summer just around the corner, people will want to start going to the beach. This was often a cause for concern for many people, mostly women, because they were worried how they were going to look in a bathing suit. It created a boom for fad diets and weight loss gimmicks. But as America’s...

Jokes by Stand-up Comedian, Jimmy Allen

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 25-01-2012

Tags: funny one-liners, hilarious jokes, Jimmy Alllen jokes, Jokes by stand up comedian jimmy Allen, really funny jokes

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Here are some jokes by a very good stand-up comedian, Jimmy Allen:

To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. Now, if a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.

Women have an easier time purchasing condoms than men because women are bold. Women aren’t bothered by it. Women will walk into that drug store, ‘Yeah, let me see, give me the lambskin lubricated one that’s ribbed with feathers, two feet long and…

Did you hear there’s a stealth condom? That’s what it’s called. It’s called the stealth condom. Now how many guys are going to go out and buy a stealth condom? How many guys want to get in and out without anyone knowing they were there?

Have you ever been to someone else’s home, used their bathroom, then found out there was no toilet paper? What do you do? You can’t yell, so weird things go through your mind. Do you ever sit there and think things like, ‘Well, this is an old pair of underwear I got on. I’d hate to use all their cotton balls. I bet you those Q-Tips would hurt. I wonder if they’ve read this magazine before? Here kitty, kitty…’

After three years of marriage, there are some questions I’d like to ask my wife. Little things like, ‘Honey, why is it that you get three closets and I get the back of a chair? Honey, I want to know, why do you watch TV commercials when you have a remote control?’

Now that I’m married, I’m being asked questions I have never been asked before in my entire life. The other day, my wife came up to me and said, ‘Do you think I’m fat?’ I said, ‘Excuse me sweetheart, but do you see “stupid jackass” written on my face?”

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