Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 07-03-2012
Here are some jokes by comedian Maria Bamford from her stand-up act:
I actually thought about getting breast implants because I’m a radical, militant feminist and a hypocrite, it turns out.
Nobody’s ever offered me money to have sex. Sure — a Bud Light and a basket of curly fries, but not cash.
I’m afraid that fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting around time.
Sometimes I worry I don’t want to get married as much as I’d like to be dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough.
I was reading in the paper that a lot of kids in the United States are suffering from depression. Younger and younger, our children are seeing the sippy-cup as half empty.
My friends from L.A. stop me and say, ‘Maria, you already do so much. You make people laugh; it’s the greatest gift in the world.’ I only do that, like, four minutes a day, if it’s going well. Maybe in the off-time, I could sponge bathe the dying or just hose things off a little bit.
My supervisor — let’s call him Greenbean — said that there were certain bigwigs who you should never put on hold, certain VIPs who you should never put on hold, and I could never remember who those people were. So, I put everyone on hold and I conferenced them, and I let them sort it out amongst themselves.
My sister’s a doctor; she’s super successful…. She’s a pathologist, though I like to introduce her as ‘This is my sister Sarah. She cuts up the dead into chunks.’
Thinking about having kids, got the names picked out. They’re gonna be Donut and The Golden Hen. I know what you’re saying, ‘How do you know they’re gonna be girls?’ But a mother knows.
My manager was saying that it might be time for me to get Botox, and I said, ‘Oh I don’t know, I’m kinda still using my face.’
I used to be afraid of relationships. Someone would ask me out and I’d say, ‘Just take my purse, don’t hurt me!’
My mom is very religious, and she said, ‘Whatever you think about all the time, that’s what you worship.’ If that’s the case, I’d like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People magazines.
I’m trying to believe in God, ’cause I know it gives you a good feeling, and I think it feels like — you know when you’re a third world shanty town at night, and you’re terrified, and you see the glowing logo of an international conglomerate in the distance? And you just feel like, ooh, it’s gonna be OK. Someone’s looking out for us.