Jokes by David Alan Grier
Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 12-09-2012
Tags: David Alan Grier, jokes by comedian and actor David Alan Grier, stand up comedians, Stand Up Comedy
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Here are some jokes by comedian and actor David Alan Grier:
When I was a kid, a terrorist act — that was like when someone would take a dump in the swimming pool at the YMCA during summer camp. That was a terrorist act. That was the most evil thing you could do.
I didn’t grow up in this kind of world… I grew up in Detroit, Michigan, in the 60s, the 70s. It was a kinder, gentler time. Sure, we had a race riot or two, but deep down inside, we loved each other.
All of my relatives got old in one day. I came back this past year, everybody looks the same: they’re all fat, bald, with a mustache. Men, women, kids — I don’t know who I’m talking to half the time.
Every year, I go home, and I always go back to my old neighborhood and walk around. Everybody’s standing on the street corners holdin’ their nuts. Everybody — in the middle of the day — ‘What’s up, man? Motor City all up in it, yo.’ And these are the women!
I still believe in love. Actually, my friends say I love too much, because I did. I put my ex-wife on a pedestal. I thought the sun rose and set in her stankin’ ass.
I stopped smoking reefer because I started thinking, if great men throughout history had smoked reefer, no tellin’ what would have happened. Like if somebody like Martin Luther King Jr. had smoked reefer, he would have been giving speeches like, ‘I had a dream, but the hell if I could remember what it was about. It was either about freedom or Fritos.’
My toughest year was my freshman year. You’re new. I couldn’t get one date, not one date, the entire freshman year. I could not get one date. I spent that whole year — well, they call it ’stalking’ now, but, you know, don’t put labels on my love — that’s what I say.
Breaking up is always hard to do, isn’t it? I broke up. I recently broke up from my little honey bunny. I was distraught. I thought I was going insane. I lost all this weight, got all skinny. My friends were like, ‘You look fabulous!’
Soon as a baby’s born, it’s all about the baby. And it’s scary because a lot of these parents, it’s like they can’t see their own children’s faults. They’re perfect. ‘Look at this baby! Look at him, he’s so cute. Look at him! Oh, and he’s smart, he’s smart — this baby’s a genius. He knows his time tables!’ ‘That baby is 14 years old!
