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Here are some funny jokes from the very popular comedian and talk show host, Ellen DeGeneres:

But seriously, I think overall in the scheme of things winning an Emmy is not important. Let’s get our priorities straight. I think we all know what’s really important in life – winning an Oscar.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.

I was coming home from kindergarten – well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It’s good for a kid to know how to make gloves.

I’m on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I’m gonna rip it off.

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

Just go up to somebody on the street and say “You’re it!” and then run away.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log.

People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.

Yeah I’m thirty-six, but on the show I’m thirty-two. Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year old woman, so they decided to make me thirty-two. Much more appealing somehow.

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Here are some jokes from the classic comedian, Henny Youngman:

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put ‘page 2.’

I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she’d kill me. She thinks I’m selling dope.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?

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Here are some jokes from from one of the iconic comedians, Phyllis Diller:

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.

It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

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Here are some jokes about liberal democrats that were sent to me by another.    Actually, most of these are interchangeable for either party.  The unfortunate fact is there is a too much humor material in both parties.

Q: What’s the difference between Elvis and a smart Liberal?

A: Elvis has been sighted.

Q: How do you get a one-armed Liberal out of a tree?                                                                                                                               A: Wave to him.

Q: What do you call a basement full of Liberals?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 Democrats.

Q: What is foreplay for a Democrat?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.

Q: What is the Democrat doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

A Democrat found a magic genie’s lamp and rubbed it. The genie said, “I will grant you one wish.” He said, “I wish I were smarter”. So the genie made him a Republican.

Q: What the difference between a Democrat and the rear end of a horse?
A: I don’t know either.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They prefer to walk in the dark.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a Democrat.

Q: What’s the difference between a Liberal and a sack of manure?
A: The sack.

Q: What’s the difference between an Iraq terrorist and a liberal?
A: The Iraq terrorist makes fewer demands.

Q: How can you tell a group of Liberals?
A: They are the ones burning the Constitution

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Today I have funny quotes from Gracie Allen, who was George Burns wife, and also from comedian Richard Lewis.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
Gracie Allen

The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow.
Gracie Allen

This used to be a government of checks and balances. Now it’s all checks and no balances.
Gracie Allen

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
Gracie Allen

When my mother had to get dinner for 8 she’d just make enough for 16 and only serve half.
Gracie Allen

I love being famous. It validates that I have something to say.
Richard Lewis

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
Richard Lewis

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
Richard Lewis

My grandmother was a Jewish juggler: she used to worry about six things at once.
Richard Lewis

When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
Richard Lewis

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Here are some jokes/quotes from Milton Berle, a classic comedian from an earlier era:

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

Experience is what you have after you’ve forgotten her name.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor’s sixth husband. I know what I’m supposed to do, but I don’t know how to make it interesting.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

I’d rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I’d rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it’s terribly inconvenient.

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He’s shy a quarter of a million dollars. That’s why he’s retiring.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.

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Here are some funny quotes from comedian, Tim Allen:

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Men are pigs. Too bad we own stuff.

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words “large” or “size” with “rear end.” Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.

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I posted jokes from Steven Wright before but these are different ones, he has so many to choose from:

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’

I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

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Current events spurred these funny observations:

Nancy Pelosi recently celebrated her 70^th birthday…how fast they grow up, it seems like just yesterday she was getting her first Botox injection.

Tiger Woods is getting back into the swing of things and returning to golf to play at the Masters tournament – is anybody else thinking he is coming back for the “Masters” as an inside joke, since he liked it rough and he was often being the “master”.

Obama was quoted saying, “Healthcare will define his presidency.” And if the definition of healthcare is socialism he is correct.

Fidel Castro gave a rousing endorsement to Obamacare being passed, just the endorsement Obama needed from a bleeding heart communist (see the line above this one.)

Joe Biden was heard on the microphone last week whispering to Obama, “This is a big f—–g deal.”  A White house spokesman excused Biden saying he has a condition called “Lack of judgment disorder”, but the good thing is, even though it was pre-existing he will be covered by healthcare and he’ll be heavily drugged.

John Edwards has turned to religion according to rumors.  He heard about the widening sex scandals in the Catholic Church and now he wants to become a priest.

..And finally, abstinence program funding is part of the healthcare program.  Ironically, this was written by congressmen who traditionally have as much ability to abstain as rabbits in heat.

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