“Big day in Detroit. You may have heard about this. The Obama Administration asked General Motors C.E.O. Rick Wagoner to step down, and he agreed, which is good news for Obama. You know, the last time he tried to get someone to quit, it took months. And even then, he had to promise her a job as Secretary of State.” –Jay Leno

“Today, President Obama announced he is using his own money to redecorate the White House. Meanwhile, he is using taxpayers’ money to redecorate the houses of A.I.G. executives.” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He’s concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that’s just in his administration.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama has asked the Senate to cut $50 billion from the economic stimulus plan. Yeah, Obama says the government will no longer need the $50 billion once everyone in his Cabinet pays their back taxes.” –Conan O’Brien

“And during his inaugural address yesterday, President Barack Obama said, ‘Millions of Americans have lost their homes and some of us who still have homes have their mother-in-laws moving in with them.’” –Jay Leno

“President-elect Barack Obama had his first day in Washington. Obama said he got a little choked up as he left his house in Chicago for Washington D.C. It was especially painful because as soon as he left, Governor Blagojevich sold his house.” –Jay Leno

“Shocking news out of Illinois today. Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested on corruption charges, including the allegation that he was selling Barack Obama’s vacant senate seat. Now, I personally am surprised Obama even needed a seat. I thought he just levitated.” –Stephen Colbert

“Barack Obama said yesterday that the economy was ‘going to get worse before it gets better.’ See, that’s when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election? ‘The audacity of hope!’ ‘Yes, we can!’ ‘A change we can believe in!’ Now it’s, ‘We’re all screwed.’” –Jay Leno

“Barack Obama plans to issue an executive order on his first full day in office, directing the closing of Guantanamo Bay. He said he needs the money for new prisons to hold Democratic mayors and governors.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama announced his new economic team. You know what he should do? Hire those people who were in charge of his fundraising campaign. We can pay this thing off in like a week.” –Jay Leno

“Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he’s got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me.” –David Letterman

“People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt.” –David Letterman

“Obama is getting his mojo back. Apparently, he’s going to get this financial package. That’s right, the financial package is going through. He got healthcare. He got that nuclear weapons treaty… He’s on a roll and he’s taunting his critics. His new slogan is, ‘Change You Can Suck On.’” —Bill Maher

“A year into Obama’s first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, “Well, technically that is change.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations.” –Jay Leno

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It could be worse, you be Tony Hayward, the deposed CEO of BP, and you are finally getting your life back as you had publicly wished for and then you discover that your life actually kind of sucks because you were such an ass in the first place.

It could be worse, you could be a new girl friend of Mel Gibson and you never told him that you are Jewish.

It could be worse, you could be ex-governor Blagojevich and your attorney at your trial suggested you don’t testify in court because your hairdo is so weird he thinks it could cloud the judgment of the jury.

It could be worse, you could be Levi Johnston and just get word that you were hired to star in a new music video and your future mother-in-law, Sarah Palin, gets a gleam in her eye when she asks when the shooting starts and you get a terrible feeling that she’s not talking about just the video.

It could be worse, you could be the Burger King mascot and find out that your girlfriend is no longer interested in your Whopper because she is now seeing Ronald McDonald.

It could be worse, you could be Tiger Woods struggling to get your old swing back…plus your golf game currently sucks as well.

It could be worse, you could be a guy wearing your Speedos at the beach and as you come out of the ocean, due to shrinkage from the cold water , the snickers you hear are louder than the roar of the ocean.

It could be worse, you could be Harry Reid and be so boring that you would lose a politician’s charisma contest with Al Gore.

After comparing your life to these people if you are not feeling better about yourself e-mail me with your life situation because you will be a candidate to be in the next episode of “it could be worse.”

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With news of Mel Gibson’s rants coming out at the same time as the movie “Despicable Me” many people thought it was actually Mel’s autobiographical movie.

BP was able to finally stop the oil leak in the Gulf this last week.  They hired Mel Gibson to yell at it and it immediately shut down.

The YMCA is now officially called just “The Y”.  So, apparently, not only are Americans too lazy to go there to exercise.  They are also too lazy to say four letters instead of just one.

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are now engaged to be married and the office pools are already surpassing the size of the Super Bowl pools on how long they will be together.

Last week Yankee owner, George Steinbrenner, died of a heart attack.  Somewhere a whole bunch of dead former Yankee players are waiting to get chewed out for something.

Dick Cheney had heart surgery last week and he’s expected to make a full recovery.  He should be back shooting and waterboarding people in no time at all.

Joe Biden had to pay over $200,000 to the Treasury Department in penalties for his 2008 bid for the presidency due to sloppy bookkeeping and record keeping.  His spokesperson said that sort of thing is very common but privately Biden was heard to say it was actually “a big f—ing deal.”

darnfunnyonline.com

But seriously, I think overall in the scheme of things winning an Emmy is not important. Let’s get our priorities straight. I think we all know what’s really important in life – winning an Oscar.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.

I was coming home from kindergarten – well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It’s good for a kid to know how to make gloves.

I’m on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I’m gonna rip it off.

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

Just go up to somebody on the street and say “You’re it!” and then run away.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log.

People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.

Yeah I’m thirty-six, but on the show I’m thirty-two. Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year old woman, so they decided to make me thirty-two. Much more appealing somehow.

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A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put ‘page 2.’

I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she’d kill me. She thinks I’m selling dope.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?

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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.

It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

darnfunnyonline.com

Q: What’s the difference between Elvis and a smart Liberal?

A: Elvis has been sighted.

Q: How do you get a one-armed Liberal out of a tree?                                                                                                                               A: Wave to him.

Q: What do you call a basement full of Liberals?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 Democrats.

Q: What is foreplay for a Democrat?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.

Q: What is the Democrat doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

A Democrat found a magic genie’s lamp and rubbed it. The genie said, “I will grant you one wish.” He said, “I wish I were smarter”. So the genie made him a Republican.

Q: What the difference between a Democrat and the rear end of a horse?
A: I don’t know either.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They prefer to walk in the dark.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a Democrat.

Q: What’s the difference between a Liberal and a sack of manure?
A: The sack.

Q: What’s the difference between an Iraq terrorist and a liberal?
A: The Iraq terrorist makes fewer demands.

Q: How can you tell a group of Liberals?
A: They are the ones burning the Constitution

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Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
Gracie Allen

The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow.
Gracie Allen

This used to be a government of checks and balances. Now it’s all checks and no balances.
Gracie Allen

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
Gracie Allen

When my mother had to get dinner for 8 she’d just make enough for 16 and only serve half.
Gracie Allen

I love being famous. It validates that I have something to say.
Richard Lewis

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
Richard Lewis

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
Richard Lewis

My grandmother was a Jewish juggler: she used to worry about six things at once.
Richard Lewis

When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
Richard Lewis

darnfunnyonline.com

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

Experience is what you have after you’ve forgotten her name.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor’s sixth husband. I know what I’m supposed to do, but I don’t know how to make it interesting.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

I’d rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I’d rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it’s terribly inconvenient.

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He’s shy a quarter of a million dollars. That’s why he’s retiring.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.

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Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Men are pigs. Too bad we own stuff.

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words “large” or “size” with “rear end.” Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.

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