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This is the time when we take a humorous look at how things could always be much worse than we actually view them.  Here are some examples:

It could be worse:

1)      You could be one of the featured models in the new Al Qaeda women’s magazine but no one will ever know it because your body and face are fully covered.

2)      Or you could be a model for the new Al Qaeda woman’s magazine and the only part of your body you are unhappy with are your slightly puffy ankles and that is the only part that will ever be seen.

3)      You could be President Obama and know you are going to be unemployed in 2012 but you know there won’t be any money left for unemployment benefits by then.

4)      You could be the arm rest between two fat guys on an airplane.

5)      You could be the month of March and all the other months make fun of you because of your madness.

6)      You could have been the wife of God, as some Biblical scholar now is saying existed, but it was a conflict because you had your own god complex going on.

7)      You could be the unicyclist that is suing New York City and you’ll have to admit in court that your job used to be riding a unicycle as a circus performer.

8)      You could be Charlie Sheen and you still want the attention but you realize there is nothing crazier to say than what you already said in the last few weeks.

9)      You could be using a hair growth drug, which has been found to cause erectile dysfunction.  So now you have hair growing on your head and you can attract the ladies but you no longer care.

10)    You could be wanting to enter a “crazy contest” but then you hear about the stuff people like Charlie Sheen and Moammar Gadhafi are doing and saying and you realize you don’t have a chance at winning.

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Here are some funny observations that were made based on watching the news and what was happening around the world this week:

Reality star, Snooki, told Ellen DeGeneres in an interview that she is not trying to be a role model.  So, it looks like she can check that off as a done on her New Year’s resolutions.

I saw an article about pygmy goats being a solution as a pet if a person is allergic to dogs or cats.  Plus, since goats eat everything it will also be a perfect solution to leaving stuff lying around the house.

An adult man recently got a tatoo of Justin Beiber on his thigh.  If they are “friends” on Facebook I’m guessing there is also a whole lot of poking going on as well.

Justin Beiber has said in a recent interview that fame is giving him insomnia.  He’s worried because everything earlier than 16 years ago is blank.

The  Kardashian sisters are being sued for breach of conduct related to their prepaid credit cards, which proves the old saying that nothing is certain except death, taxes and girls with great bodies will make a lot of money and get sued.

MSN.com reported that in the recent past there have been numerous luggage disasters with the airlines like how 40 suitcases got covered in raw sewage.  So, apparently having a government organization like the TSA work so closely with the airlines is making the airlines smell just like the government.

Since Harry Reid wants to legalize Internet gambling why not make some extra money out of it for the government.  They can start a pool.  The grand prize winners will be whoever can predict the correct order of which will be the 1st 10 government economies to collapse.  It may be the best chance for the US to not be the first one.

“The View” is going to have its 3,000th episode.  They are hoping that by the 4,000th episode that Barbara Walters will have successfully mastered pronouncing the “V” in View.

Sara Palin’s reality show has been cancelled.  Liberals are mourning the loss.

There has been a lot of talk about bed bugs recently, even in 5 star hotels.  This has led many members of Congress to inquire if they only use the room for an hour are they still likely to be attacked by the bugs?

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Here are some funny one liners from some famous and some not as famous comedians but they are all a good laugh:

Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
Bob Ettinger

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
Ellen DeGeneres

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too.
Jake Johansen

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’
Paula Poundstone

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
Warren Hutcherson

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.
Sue Murphy

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.’
Jerry Seinfeld

I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing home $450,000 a week.
Joel Lindley

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
Tim Allen

I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn’t want to go, because I’ve put on like a hundred pounds.
Wendy Liebman

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
George Carlin

My favorite animal is steak.
Fran Lebowitz

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If you are traveling this Christmas season here are some funny state mottos to help you decide if you want to go to those states.

State Mottos

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It’s A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain’t Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy’s Don’t Own It-Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The “Fun” In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave
Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes…Well Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Sure
Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes… And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very
Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
Attorney….

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We’re Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl… It’s What’s For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si’ Hablo Ing’les

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?

Washington: Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family… Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men… and the sheep are scared

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It’s time for another episode of taking a look at how things could be much worse than they really are when you compare your situation to  that of some others.  Here we go:

It could be worse, you could be Roger Clemens, former baseball player indicted for lying to Congress about steroid use, and you thought since you were among the biggest group of liars on the planet that it was okay to lie, but then you found out you have to be a congressman for it to be okay to lie to Congress.

It could be worse, you could be a Nigerian businessman and you e-mail people telling them you need their bank account information to help get millions of dollars out of your country, and even in this economy you can’t find anybody stupid enough to fall for that scheme.

It could be worse, you could be Ben Bernake, Barack Obama, and Timothy Geither and you are actually so stupid, economically, that you fall for the scheme with the Nigerian businessman as a quick fix to handling the economy.

It could be worse you could be the Burger King mascot and find out that your girlfriend is no longer interested in your Whopper and she has started seeing  Ronald McDonald because she likes his Big Mac. (Sorry, I’ve done that joke before in “It Could Be Worse” but I tweaked it a little so I could justify using it again because I get such a big kick out of it.  Who knows, I may use it again next time too.)

It could be worse, you could be ready to retire and you make a list of all the things you want to do when you retire and you realize you can never afford to retire.  (Okay, that one may be a little too real to be considered humor, but it stays anyway as evidence of how badly the politicians have screwed up the economy.)

It could be worse, you could be Bill Clinton out to support the protest of GoTopLess.org proclaiming the woman’s constitutional right to go topless in public and you get such a bad infection in both eyes that you have to stay indoors and wear eye patches on both eyes.

It could be worse, you could be holding a charisma contest and the top candidates to win the thing are Al Gore and Harry Reid.

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Here are some funny observations that are based on the news from this week, enjoy:

Justin Beiber is going to be writing his memoirs; there are rumored scandals of breast feeding as a baby and illicit nap time behavior when he was in kindergarten.

Tiger Woods had the worst 72 hole score of career over the weekend, apparently he is having a serious problem with his putter.

Evidently, it was the holes he scored after golfing that kept his game sharp.

Disney raised prices again at their theme parks. So it is not only the happiest place on earth but they are also making the shareholders of their stock the happiest people on earth.

Kentucky basketball coach, Rick Pitino, testified in a court case that he had sex with a woman in a restaurant but it only lasted 15 seconds.  He also complained of having a dribbling problem afterward.

After testifying he apologized to his wife but he did tell her that he was thinking of her the whole time.  Then he got in trouble with her all over again for only thinking of her for 15 seconds.

The US Post Office reported a loss of $3.5 billion last quarter, which is actually good for a government organization.  If they can get a little guidance from Congress they could probably double or triple their losses.

Lady Gaga told Vanity Fair that she is an occasional cocaine user.  The drug companies were very excited about this because now they can say, “See, you don’t get those kind of side effects from our drugs.”

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Here are  some funny observations made about the news over the last week:

Chelsea Clinton’s wedding was held this weekend.  Bill, being the consummate father, was surprisingly involved in the planning of the wedding.  In fact, he held individual meetings with the maid of honor and each bride’s maid to let them know exactly what was expected of them.

For the fashion conscious at the wedding, Hillary was seen hiking up her dress when she walked up some stairs and, not surprisingly, she was wearing a pants suit under the dress.

Over the weekend Lindsay Lohan was released from jail and coincidentally the stock on several alcoholic beverage companies soared on Monday.

Representative Charles Rangle was trying to cut a deal on his ethics charges so that his case wouldn’t go to a House Ethics trial.  He was even willing to cut the members of the committee in on his next deal if they let him do a plea.  Plus, he was even willing to go as far as looking up the definition of ethics in the dictionary, although he didn’t really think it was in there.

BP CEO, Tony Hayward will be transferred to a project in Russia.  Although, others had a different idea on where he should be sent straight to.

Andy Griffith is going to be touting Obamacare on a TV ad.  If he were still back in Mayberry Aunt Bee would be saying, “Oh Andy!”  And Barney would be loading his gun with his one bullet in order to shoot him.

Al Gore has serious public relations problems after having been accused of groping several women.  A few years ago he won a Nobel Peace Prize for raising awareness about global warming and for his documentary “An Inconvenient Truth.”  Ironically, now the inconvenient truth in his life may get him the Nobel Piece Prize.

President Obama went on The View last week.  Many people thought he was going to promote his agenda but he just wanted to point out to everyone how white trash the Republicans are since Levi Johnston may have gotten his ex-girlfriend pregnant.

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Here are some more jokes about President Obama from the late night comedians spanning his year and a half in office.  He seems to be an endless source of comedy (and sorrow, depending on how you look at it.)

“Big day in Detroit. You may have heard about this. The Obama Administration asked General Motors C.E.O. Rick Wagoner to step down, and he agreed, which is good news for Obama. You know, the last time he tried to get someone to quit, it took months. And even then, he had to promise her a job as Secretary of State.” –Jay Leno

“Today, President Obama announced he is using his own money to redecorate the White House. Meanwhile, he is using taxpayers’ money to redecorate the houses of A.I.G. executives.” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He’s concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that’s just in his administration.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama has asked the Senate to cut $50 billion from the economic stimulus plan. Yeah, Obama says the government will no longer need the $50 billion once everyone in his Cabinet pays their back taxes.” –Conan O’Brien

“And during his inaugural address yesterday, President Barack Obama said, ‘Millions of Americans have lost their homes and some of us who still have homes have their mother-in-laws moving in with them.’” –Jay Leno

“President-elect Barack Obama had his first day in Washington. Obama said he got a little choked up as he left his house in Chicago for Washington D.C. It was especially painful because as soon as he left, Governor Blagojevich sold his house.” –Jay Leno

“Shocking news out of Illinois today. Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested on corruption charges, including the allegation that he was selling Barack Obama’s vacant senate seat. Now, I personally am surprised Obama even needed a seat. I thought he just levitated.” –Stephen Colbert

“Barack Obama said yesterday that the economy was ‘going to get worse before it gets better.’ See, that’s when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election? ‘The audacity of hope!’ ‘Yes, we can!’ ‘A change we can believe in!’ Now it’s, ‘We’re all screwed.’” –Jay Leno

“Barack Obama plans to issue an executive order on his first full day in office, directing the closing of Guantanamo Bay. He said he needs the money for new prisons to hold Democratic mayors and governors.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama announced his new economic team. You know what he should do? Hire those people who were in charge of his fundraising campaign. We can pay this thing off in like a week.” –Jay Leno

“Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he’s got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me.” –David Letterman

“People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt.” –David Letterman

“Obama is getting his mojo back. Apparently, he’s going to get this financial package. That’s right, the financial package is going through. He got healthcare. He got that nuclear weapons treaty… He’s on a roll and he’s taunting his critics. His new slogan is, ‘Change You Can Suck On.’” —Bill Maher

“A year into Obama’s first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, “Well, technically that is change.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations.” –Jay Leno

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Every now and again it’s fun to take an optimistic view of things and look to see how things can always be worse than you think they are.  Here are some examples:

It could be worse, you be Tony Hayward, the deposed CEO of BP, and you are finally getting your life back as you had publicly wished for and then you discover that your life actually kind of sucks because you were such an ass in the first place.

It could be worse, you could be a new girl friend of Mel Gibson and you never told him that you are Jewish.

It could be worse, you could be ex-governor Blagojevich and your attorney at your trial suggested you don’t testify in court because your hairdo is so weird he thinks it could cloud the judgment of the jury.

It could be worse, you could be Levi Johnston and just get word that you were hired to star in a new music video and your future mother-in-law, Sarah Palin, gets a gleam in her eye when she asks when the shooting starts and you get a terrible feeling that she’s not talking about just the video.

It could be worse, you could be the Burger King mascot and find out that your girlfriend is no longer interested in your Whopper because she is now seeing Ronald McDonald.

It could be worse, you could be Tiger Woods struggling to get your old swing back…plus your golf game currently sucks as well.

It could be worse, you could be a guy wearing your Speedos at the beach and as you come out of the ocean, due to shrinkage from the cold water , the snickers you hear are louder than the roar of the ocean.

It could be worse, you could be Harry Reid and be so boring that you would lose a politician’s charisma contest with Al Gore.

After comparing your life to these people if you are not feeling better about yourself e-mail me with your life situation because you will be a candidate to be in the next episode of “it could be worse.”

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Here are some funny observations from the news over the last week:

With news of Mel Gibson’s rants coming out at the same time as the movie “Despicable Me” many people thought it was actually Mel’s autobiographical movie.

BP was able to finally stop the oil leak in the Gulf this last week.  They hired Mel Gibson to yell at it and it immediately shut down.

The YMCA is now officially called just “The Y”.  So, apparently, not only are Americans too lazy to go there to exercise.  They are also too lazy to say four letters instead of just one.

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are now engaged to be married and the office pools are already surpassing the size of the Super Bowl pools on how long they will be together.

Last week Yankee owner, George Steinbrenner, died of a heart attack.  Somewhere a whole bunch of dead former Yankee players are waiting to get chewed out for something.

Dick Cheney had heart surgery last week and he’s expected to make a full recovery.  He should be back shooting and waterboarding people in no time at all.

Joe Biden had to pay over $200,000 to the Treasury Department in penalties for his 2008 bid for the presidency due to sloppy bookkeeping and record keeping.  His spokesperson said that sort of thing is very common but privately Biden was heard to say it was actually “a big f—ing deal.”

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