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Here are some funny one-liner jokes that someone sent to me.  The jokes are anonymous, that is , no author as they have probably been used by many comedians and others, but they are funny.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

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Here are some jokes based on some recent news items.

Starbucks is sticking to it’s policy of letting people carry guns in their stores where it’s legal.  I’m not sure which is more scary about that, having an impatient customer at the end of a slow moving line with a gun or somebody with a gun after having a triple espresso.

But why should Starbucks worry about people carrying guns in their stores.  With the prices they charge who is robbing who anyway.

In New York an Air Traffic controller was suspended after letting his children do his job for a short time.  This made the pilots very jealous.  One of them said I want to bring my kid to work to so he can fly the plane while I sleep off my hangover.

When Nancy Pelosi became the Speaker of the House she had said she intended to clean up the ethics in Congress.  But so far there is no change as we constantly hear of members of the House being in ethics trouble.  We do know it wasn’t for lack of supplies that she has been unsuccessful at cleaning up, for example, we know she has a broom because she flew in on it.

I’m a little worried about the upcoming census being done by the Obama administration.  If they count people like they count jobs created, by the end of the census we’ll have more people than China.

Rumor has it that Obama is using the same technology to steer the administration that Toyota used on the steering of their cars.

…and finally, Toyota has learned if they do one more recall on their cars they will have earned a foreign aid stimulus package.

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Here are some jokes by comedian Mitch Hedberg.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.

I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

Y’know, you can’t please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

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Here are a mixture of jokes from a variety of comedians.

A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who’s boss.
Tina Fey

An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women’s Affairs. Man, who’d she have to show here ankles to to get that job?
Tina Fey

I’d like to play a horse, many people think I already have. Either end of the horse would be fine.
Dawn French

An original idea. That can’t be too hard. The library must be full of them.
Stephen Fry

I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Stephen Fry

It is a cliche that most cliches are true, but then like most cliches, that cliche is untrue.
Stephen Fry

I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks.
Totie Fields

Everybody wants to eat at the government’s table, but nobody wants to do the dishes.
Werner Finck

Workers insist that they are not disgruntled. They are very gruntled.
Kevin Nealon

I once had dinner with Madonna and I wasn’t nervous but within about a minute I found myself talking about underwear.
Randy Newman

If we’d had another carefree 70’s, I’d have been dead. It was a little too carefree, you know? I don’t know how carefree they were for me, I think I was worried then, I can’t remember what about.
Randy Newman

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I love dogs and have several through my life. But as with anything you really love they can also be a great source of humor:

I don’t know why they call a dog man’s best friend.  I have never had a friend over to my house and then he peed on my carpet.

When he was a puppy he would wet the carpet so much instead of bringing my slippers he’d bring me my goulashes.

He’s a good watch dog, unfortunately all he watches out for is female dogs in heat.

The mailman complained to me that my dog was always trying to bite him in the ass.  I said it could be worse.   Just be happy the dog’s not gay…

Sometimes my dog irritates me.  He likes to sleep right in the middle of the bed between me and my wife.  Not only is he ruining our sex life, but when I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night he likes to rub it in by humping my leg.

I never had much luck training dogs.  We were out for a walk and I said to him ”heel”.  He looked at me offended, and said “asshole.”

People complain about working like a dog. I don’t see the problem there.  My dog sleeps most of the day, gets to eat and not clean up after himself, and he gets his crotch licked any time he wants it.

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Here are some jokes from the “redneck comedian”, Jeff Foxworthy.

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn’t tell their therapist.

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother – you’re not sure what you’ve got but you’re pretty sure you’re not going to like it.

For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life’s list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I’d spent about half the day in the woods.

I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.

I’ve been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.

If you’ve ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.

If your neighbors think you’re a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.

If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.

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Laughter is said to be the best medicine.  That makes it food for thought as well.  Laughter is a very versatile thing so maybe I should start a new religion called the “comedy religion”.

We’ll do things a little different though in our church:

Whenever we have a church service we won’t pass a collection plate but there will be a 2 drink minimum.

Instead of singing hymns the choir will recite Henny Youngman one-liners.

Our ministers, instead of wearing a white collar, will wear the traditional Groucho nose and glasses.

We’ll have a weekly confessional where a person can come and confess all the bad jokes he told in the last week.

And lastly, our congregation won’t have to kneel to pray but we will expect them to occasionally roll in the aisle.

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Here are some quotes from Steve Allen, who was an extremely quick witted comedian and entertainer as well as the founder and original host of the Tonight Show:

Asthma doesn’t seem to bother me any more unless I’m around cigars or dogs. The thing that would bother me most would be a dog smoking a cigar.

Dark energy is perhaps the biggest mystery in physics.

Humor is a social lubricant that helps us get over some of the bad spots.

I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That’s how I lost my mind.

If the Old Testament were a reliable guide in the matter of capital punishment, half the people in the United States would have to be killed tomorrow.

If there is a God, the phrase that must disgust him is – holy war.

In a rational society we would want our presidents to be teachers. In our actual society we insist they be cheerleaders.

One of the nice things about problems is that a good many of them do not exist except in our imaginations.

Ours is a government of checks and balances. The Mafia and crooked businessmen make out checks, and the politicians and other compromised officials improve their bank balances.

The hair is real – it’s the head that’s a fake.

Totalitarianism is patriotism institutionalized.

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Here is some President’s day humor that was sent to me by some readers.  There is one for Lincoln and one for Washington:

A man was sitting at the bar during a costume party when someone went up to him and said, “Hey, I thought you were supposed to dress up in something that symbolized your love life?” The man said, “I am.” The other guy said, “You look like Abe Lincoln.” The man said, “That’s right. My last 4 scores were 7 years ago.”

George Washington and the Cherry Tree

There has been a recent discovery among archives shedding new information regarding George Washington’s famous line “I can not tell a lie – I chopped down the Cherry Tree” It seems that someone was hiding nearby during the following discussion and copied this on parchment.

“George, son, did you chop down the cherry tree?”

“No, Dad.”

“Son, because I trust you and have given you the privilege of running the plantation while I’m gone as a symbol of that trust, I’m going to believe you.”

Seven Months Later…

“George, your brother was talking to one of our slaves, and the slave told him he saw you chop down that cherry tree last winter. Did you?”

“No, Dad.”

“I think you are lying.”

“No, no, no! I swear I did NOT chop down the cherry tree.”

“Son, he saw you out here with your axe. Your punishment will be much worse for you if you lie. Now, tell me the truth!”

“Dad, I answered your question truthfully. Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions. While my answer was legally accurate, I did not volunteer information. Indeed, Dad, I did cause the cherry tree to be lying on the ground. To do this was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible. I know my answer to you gave a false impression. I misled you, my own father. I deeply regret that. I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors.

“What I did, Dad, was use a saw to cause the cherry tree to fall. Only after the tree was already down did I go get my axe to chop off individual branches. So, I chopped off branches, but sawed down the tree. Look at the saw cut on the stump and the axe cuts on the branches. Therefore, legally, I told the truth. I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of this fallen tree and to return our attention to a solid family relationship. After all, who’s going to remember a cherry tree as a symbol of my character and ability to lead?”

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