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While I actually wanted to write about relationships between men and women, because it is just so much fun to do, (and the women make it so easy…I added that line to see if I can generate some hate mail, again, just for fun) but I felt it was my duty as a citizen of the United States and as a humor writer, this being tax week in the U.S., to take this opportunity to lampoon the IRS.

Ironically, the temperature where I live is supposed to be about ten degrees higher on April 15th than it has been and the next day it will go back to normal.  I’m guessing that is Mother Nature’s way of letting us know that on April 15^th we are getting very close to hell in this country.

It’s hard not to hate the IRS, although there is so much competition for that hatred amongst the other government organizations, also denoted with three letters like the FDA, TSA, CIA, FBI, NSA, etc, etc.  Leave it to the government to make their name s too long to say so that they only use the acronym to describe them.  Well, at least on April 15^th each year we will reserve that hate for the IRS.

The government almost closed up this week because of a budget crisis, which leads me to wonder, if the government workers had not gone into work would they have stayed home and leaned on shovels?

That’s not really fair of me to ask that.  Federal government employees don’t lean on shovels, that is reserved for city and county government workers.  The federal government workers, especially from the IRS, collect the money from the citizens to buy shovels that costs thousands of dollars each so that they can then give to unemployed people so that they can dig a really deep whole for the whole country financially.  At least that’s how it works metaphorically.  In reality, the government wouldn’t give shovels to unemployed workers to do something, they’d rather just give them the money directly and have them go home and do nothing.  And then point out how much they are trying to help them so that they vote for the idiots in Congress and the current President in the next election.

On second thought, this is almost as much fun as writing about relationships between men and women.  But, honestly, I have to ask myself, does it count as humor if it is this close to the truth?

Recently I had to fill out a W-9 form for the IRS.  It is a very simple half page, self explanatory form.  Attached to it there were three and a half pages of instructions.  I wanted to call the IRS and ask them why they needed all these instructions for a simple form.  I chose not to because I was afraid I’d have to go through twelve menus to get to the person that MIGHT give me an answer but more than likely I’d get cut off anyway when I got there.  So, instead I just imagined what the conversation would be like:

Me:  I was wondering why there are so many instructions for this simple form?

IRS worker: I’m sorry that is confidential information.

Me: Why is it confidential?  I’d like to know why my tax dollars are being wasted.

IRS worker:  Sir, Your tax dollars are being wasted on calls like this.

Me:  Does that mean you’re not going to give me an answer? Or does that mean you have no funny ending to this little skit I’m writing?

IRS worker:  The answer is yes to both.  Goodbye.

Yup, I was right, too close to the truth to count as humor.

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Since I knew I was getting an income tax refund this year I filed my taxes early.  In the true form of the IRS they screwed up.  But this time they messed up in reverse and paid me more money than I was supposed to get.  So now they want that extra money back.  In the letter requesting the money they paraphrased our Vice President and said, “This is a big f——g deal if you don’t send our money back.”

Okay, they didn’t actually say that.  But they did say I have ten days to return it or they’ll charge interest.  What I haven’t told them yet is that I’m going to charge them a 25% holding fee for watching out for their money for them, another 25% early withdrawal from my account fee, another 25% nuisance fee, and , lastly, a 25% “big f—–g deal” fee ( aka, f–k- up fee.)  So, I will write them back with that note and say, “Call it even?”

I was “thrilled” to find out that the IRS is going to be entrusted (this is probably the first time entrusted and IRS was ever used in the same sentence) with enforcing the financial parts of the new healthcare bill that team Obama has thrust upon us.  It’s not enough that they’ve screwed up our finances for so many years now they are going to screw up our health as well.  And how many heart attacks will it cause when people see a letter in their mailbox from the IRS about healthcare?   But it’s okay, because it’ll be covered.

As a side note, I have to comment on Joe Biden and his infamous quote this past week.  That had to be the ultimate kiss up, brown nosing, ass kissingest thing I have ever seen.  Did he think Obama didn’t know it was significant that he had to whisper it in his ear after he introduced him.  Does he think Obama can fire him?  It’s not like it matters if Obama kicks him off the ticket in 2012, he’s not getting re-elected anyway.  But even if they are both out of work then they will still have healthcare…oops! That will be repealed too.  (Excuse that rant of mine.  That was just a side benefit I get from writing the article.)

Back to the IRS.  If my plan noted above doesn’t work out I already have my telephone conversation with them all mocked up:

IRS Agent:   Mr. Yeich, we got your note but you’re still going to have to pay us back.

Me:  Sorry, I already spent it on my healthcare insurance.

IRS Agent:   Yeah.  We still want our money.

Me:  How about if I just walk around the neighborhood and give one dollar to every family until the money runs out.  Our current administration wants to spread the wealth anyway, doesn’t it?  This just leave out the middle man.

IRS Agent:  Mr. Yeich, you don’t seem to get the severity of the situation.

(This is where I borrow a line from Anthony Hopkins, in “Silence of the Lambs”, paraphrased slightly to suit my needs here)

Me:  (Coldly) An IRS Agent tried to test me once.  I ate his liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti.

IRS Agent:  (Nervously)  Let’s just forget about this silly money.  Have a nice day.

Okay, I admit the conversation probably won’t go that way and I’ll just quietly pay the money back, but a guy can fantasize, can’t he?

As a disclaimer, I’d like to say that all of the above was for entertainment purposes (mostly mine) and that I have the utmost respect for the all of the IRS and, in fact, all government agents.  (All IRS and other government agents please ignore the loud laughter you hear in the background, that’s me laughing at the disclaimer…Geez, it’s not a big f—–g deal.)

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